What did I do? What did I do? What did I do?! What the fuck had Craig just done? He had taken things too far, and caused Tweek to have a panic attack. A justified one. He had outed him. Kinda. Really he had outed himself, and Tweek's pleas had outed him, maybe. Or maybe everyone thought Craig was just a pervert like Kenny. But Kenny had stepped in, so everyone probably thought he was worse than Kenny. Fuuuuuuuuuuck. His reputation was very important to him, and it seemed like he had just flushed it down the toilet. But maybe it was okay. Because there was no way anyone could misinterpret what went down right? Everyone knew now that Tweek was his. People would get over it, and everything would go back to the way it was. Except that Red would keep her dirty mitts off Tweek. Yeah Red was in the wrong here. Not him. Tweek was his. Tweek didn't want to be with Red, she was just clingy.
Except… Red had been the one Tweek got hired, not him. And those things she had screamed at him- while trying to rip his damn eyes out-had been filled with genuine concern for Tweek and made him feel like shit. Was he the bad guy? Was Tweek really into Red? Was Red not the bitch here? Was he himself, the bitch?
His head hurt too much to come to a resolution. Craig was lying in a hospital bed. His bandages doing little to protect his head from the throbbing the beeps of the heart monitor were causing. He had a minor concussion, and they were going to keep him under observation for the rest of the day. Which wasn't something he wanted at all. He needed to find Tweek to explain things to him.
But, explain what? Why he had done that? He wasn't sure if he was justified in his actions anymore. Had his guinea pigs given him bad advice? No they never did that. He was in the right. He had to be. He hoped he was… Man if he could have real powers like Captain Hindsight, he'd be so happy.
The last bell rang, and Kyle rushed out of basketball practice. Cartman shared the locker room, and he didn't really want to see him shirtless right now. Actually, he kind of really did want to see him like that. And that's what scared him. I mean they were going to see each other soon anyway. But they didn't need to be naked. Kyle flushed, and hastily showered, changed in the shower room, and walked out, without looking at anyone or anything. He didn't realize until he was unlocking his car, in the parking lot, that his shirt was inside out.
He needed to calm down. He didn't want Cartman to know how nervous this ordeal was making him. Afterall, he was only going to his house to parlay for Tweek. Nothing more. Nothing more. Kyle pulled his shirt off. And tugged it back on.
Bebe whistled. She was parked two cars down. "Looking good babe."
"What about me?" Clyde asked. She poked his stomach. Maybe you should do some sports too."
"I'm not fat!" Clyde cried. Bebe skickered. Clyde still wasn't over that sledding incident. He got into Bebe's car all the same and Bebe joined him.
Kyle smiled at himself. He felt reassured for some reason. Kyle got in the car, and turned the ignition, before realizing that Cartman was probably still in the locker room, taking his sweet ass time. And that it would be mortifying to arrive at Cartman's house before Cartman himself. Like he couldn't wait to get there.
Kyle decided to stop by Tweek's, and check on him first.
Tweek heard a wrap at the door. He was huddled up in the far corner of the living room, under a pile of blankets. Armed with his fifth cup of coffee and cooking pot. Better to see the enemies coming, than be surprised in his room. He clung to his pot readying himself. His parents hadn't come home yet, but when they did, Tweek would have to hit them and give them amnesia, or threaten to hit them and run away somewhere. Maybe a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf?
"W-who's there?" He called out.
"It's Kyle, Tweek". Good it wasn't the gnomes. They seemed like the type to strike when one was at their weakest. Tweak reluctantly left his blanket fort, and crossed over to the front door. He opened it a slit, so that he could guarantee it was really Kyle, and not just someone good at impressions.
It looked like Kyle, but if it were a cyborg pretending to be Kyle, that remained to be seen.
"W-why are you here Kyle?" Tweek stammered.
"To check on you of course. Everyones worried. You just ran out like that." Everyone? Oh no. If everyone knew, then his parents knew. He really didn't want to hit his parents. And he didn't know if Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf's coffee was strong enough. There wasn't one in South Park. He'd have to take the bus. Oh, but what if a hobo stabbed him on the bus? Or what if he got lost? Tweek didn't have a license. He kept failing his driver's test. He had to go and find out how to get to a Coffee Bean without being stabbed.
"S-sorry Kyle, I-I have to go f-figure out how to get an uber with a driver who won't murder me."
"Where are you going?" Kyle asked.
"I-I can't tell you that."
"Tweek you don't have to run away. Let's talk about this. Let me in." He was trying to comfort him, Tweek knew. Just like Craig used to come and do. Craig. Gah! Tweek could feel his eyes start to well and sting with tears.
"I-it's too late Kyle!" Tweek cried. "It's like you said. Everyone knows, which means my parents know and and…" Visions of fourth grade when his parents wouldn't stop handing him money, and complimenting him on finally not being just a spaz, like outlier sexuality was the pinnacle of anything he was expected to accomplish. It was unbearable, all the freaky side looks and grins. And no-one listening to him when he denied it. Not that they ever listened anyway. But still, it had really hurt. To have something he wasn't even doing be the only thing his parents would ever be proud of him for. He couldn't take it. It was too much to deal with.
"I didn't mean everyone." Kyle said, "I'm sure no-one would tell anyone." There was an odd edge to his voice when he said 'no-one' but Tweek didn't believe in what he was saying anyway, so he ignored it.
"The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows!" Tweek snapped. "I have to get out of here before
I'm all anyone can talk about again." He hated being seen as the representative for the whole town's relationship prosperity. Why did he have to carry such a burden on his shoulders. At least before he had Craig to share the load. But now he couldn't even trust his best friend anymore. Maybe he was actually gay this time. But it wasn't anyone's damn business. Tweek was done with putting up with all of it.
Something in Tweek snapped, and he opened the door wider. Kyle most certainly wasn't a cyborg, or he was a very convincing one. "Go home Kyle." He said. Not stuttering, but shaking all the same.
"Don't do anything rash Tweek." Kyle pleaded. No Tweek wouldn't do anything rash. He was finally seeing things clearly. He didn't have to run away. He just had to state the truth. That he and Craig had been experimenting, but he was done with him now.
"I'll see you at school tomorrow." Tweek said, and then he politely shut the door.
Kyle drove to Cartman's house in utter surprise. He had never seen Tweek like that. Usually he was clamoring for help. He didn't know what Tweek was thinking. But he had told him he'd see him at school tomorrow, so he couldn't be planning anything too extreme. Still, Kyle could at least do his best to keep the situation under wraps for his friend's sake.
When he pulled up, Cartman was waiting for him on his front porch. The porch. Why was it always the porch? "What took you so long?" Cartman spat, indignant. "You even left before me."
So he had noticed. Kyle felt a strange surge of excitement. I'm here, Now what? "I had to check on Tweek." Well he didn't have to.
"Oh. How is he?" Cartman's sincerity threw Kyle for a loop.
"Why do you care?" Kyle asked, "Weren't you planning on betraying him to the whole town?"
"Come on Kyle, Geez, I have a heart. If they're depressed, the whole town will be and no one will be able to get laid."
"So don't make Tweek get depressed and erase the video!"
"I can't do that, like I told you, we need them to be the poster children for fagotry."
Kyle stiffened. "Why do you have to call it that?" Kyle was beginning to question why he was even here. This was Cartman we were talking about!
"That's-Fuck you Kyle, you know why."
"What about us, Eric?! Huh? What about what you did to me at the party? Wasn't that fagotry?"
"That's exactly why I need to release this video Kewl! Like I said, if it's them, for some reason, its love, and not fagginess."
Kyle paused. "Is that what this is about? You're afraid of what other people will think?" Kyle couldn't believe what he was hearing. I mean Cartman was vain, sure, but since when did he ever give a flying fadoodle about anyone else or their opinion. "Since when have you ever cared?"
"What are you talking about? I always care."
Then why did he act that way? "Then why do you act that way?"
"You mean like a total badass?" Oh my-he actually fuckin believed that acting like a douchebag made him a-what did he call himself? 'A super sweet beef cake'? Kyle had forgotten how delusional Cartman could get.
This was ridiculous. Insane even. Kyle should just pay off one of those hacking nerds to erase the video from the cloud. He was pretty sure his dad had a classic Spock action figure somewhere. His dad wouldn't mind it being gone. And if he did, Kyle would just remind him about Sweden, and how he almost caused WW3, and that would be the end of it. Kyle did not have to put up with this nonsense. He wouldn't.
"Do whatever you want, Cartman." Kyle said, turning back to his car. There was no point in arguing with him. He was forgetting why he had even bothered coming over. Attraction? To that racist piece of shit? Yeah right.
This Jew. This mother fucking Jew. Couldn't he understand how Cartman was putting himself out on the line here? This might be considered a hate crime. I mean he'd definitely get out of it, he always did. But still. Couldn't Kyle see that he was doing this for them? Or did Kyle not really care at all? But hadn't he…Wait. Was Kyle going to blab to everyone that Cartman had kissed him. That little-! Is that why he thought he could just walk away from him?
"You sneaky little Jew." Cartman sneered. "Noone is going to believe you." Except maybe they would. People always seemed to be tricked by Kyle and his charm.
Kyle flipped around sharply. "What the hell are you-", Cartman could see the flash of realization in Kyle's eyes. So he hadn't expected Cartman to catch on had he. "That's right, I know you KEwl! Go ahead and blab to everyone that we kissed. No-one would believe that we would ever do that." Except Kenny…Cartman was getting nervous. "You have no proof!"
Kyle lunged at Cartman. Cartman hurriedly opened the door from behind him, trying to get some distance. They toppled onto Cartman's carpeted entry-way. Cartman's groan was swallowed by Kyle's lips on his, and before he could react, there was a flash of a phone camera. Kyle rolled off of him, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
"There's your proof." Kyle said defiantly, stepping out the door. Cartman jumped to his feet. Half terrified, and half ecstatic that Kyle had been the one to kiss him this time. Eric grabbed him by the back of his shirt.
"You can't do that! Then they'll think you're a faggot too!" He exclaimed. Now that he thought about it, Kyle was the one on top of him, clearly holding the camera in the photo. Eric could easily say that Kyle forced himself on him. And yet, it did little to relieve him. Was it because some people would still try and say he was gay? No that was victim blaming, and no one was going to do that. They'd be skinned alive by the PC fraternity. Could it be that he was concerned…not just for his own reputation, …but Kyle's too? Man, sometimes he surprised himself with just how much of a good person he was.
"Let them." Kyle said not facing Cartman. "Though last I checked, I didn't own a Harley, and I didn't try to bother people just to get attention. But you know what, Cartman? What's really faggy-maybe even more faggy, is intentionally hurting someone to get what you want.
Eric released Kyle's shirt. Damn Kyle and his logic. But he had a point. Eric knelt to the floor, and then sat back on the porch step. "But we can't be together, then." He murmured to himself. Kyle was such a stickler for morality, he would probably never forgive Cartman if he outed Tweek, or at the very least would never date him.
Had he just done that? Had he really just done that?! Kyle had turned his back to Eric, breathing heavily. Now that he had given his speech for the episode, adrenaline was fading and in its wake was the realization that he had just kissed Eric Cartman...sober. He didn't know if the hot flush that was plastered to his face was because of his anger at Cartman, or this realization. But he feared it was the latter. And so he couldn't look at him. Wouldn't look at him. Wouldn't give him the satisfaction that he was this flustered by a little peck. Alcohol really had made this easier.
Where had his confidence from earlier that day gone? Hadn't he been prepared, even- dare he admit it- a little excited for this conversation? Dammit Cartman! He just knew how to push Kyle's buttons to get him all worked up. First he made him have feelings for him, then he made him hate him again, and now…? Both? Kyle didn't know. But he needed to get out of there. He needed to think. He could leave… he had his leverage now, didn't he? Cartman wouldn't dare try anything.
This was so unfair! Noone should have to have feelings for Eric Cartman. Look what happened to Heidi, she turned into a monster! Feelings. Was he admitting it to himself now? Kyle could feel his pulse quickening. Nope…nope nope nope. That just made it real. He needed to leave. Now. He couldn't believe that he had been willing to negotiate for Tweek. Whatever that meant. He still kind of wanted to know- STOP IT!
Kyle headed to his car, quickly. They needed distance. Yeah. A few days, maybe weeks away from each other and everything could go back to normal.
"I'll delete the video." Cartman muttered. Kyle turned around, not sure he heard correctly.
"What?" Was Cartman throwing in the towel this easily?
"Just-" Cartman was stepping towards him now. Kyle stopped. An odd feeling of anticipation freezing him in place. And when Cartman reached him, for the briefest of moments, he let himself meet his eyes.
They were on his phone. Kyle snapped back to reality, right as Cartman lunged for his iphone. "Let me see your phone for a second." He swerved, causing Cartman to tumble and slam him against the car. Kyle pushed the still unbalanced Cartman away from him. Cartman landed with a THUMP on the sidewalk below them. Cartman grabbed Kyle's ankle and pulled him down too. They rolled on top of eachother, Cartman trying to get the phone, Kyle trying to beat him off. "Ow!" Cartman cried, as Kyle landed a punch to his chest. "Jesus, Kyle, I'll delete the video after you give me your phone."
"Like hell you will!" Kyle said. Cartman rolled, and elbowed Kyle off of him. Kyle knew that Cartman would never delete that damned video if Kyle didn't have any leverage. Cartman crawled over Kyle and reached towards his pocket. Kyle kneed him in the stomach.
Cartman rolled back in a crouch, heaving. Kyle backed away to his feet. Cartman punched him in the jaw. Kyle grabbed Cartman by the hair as they fell once again, this time making it onto the grass. The fall knocked the wind out of them, and in that brief moment of respite, Kyle patted Cartman on the leg.
"Momentary truce?" Kyle breathed. They both had bludgeoning bruises and scratches over their arms, legs, necks and faces.
"…Alright." Cartman huffed, still easily winded, even with all the new muscle. He glanced over at Kyle's jaw. It was swelling, and small amount of blood was dripping from his mouth. "Fuck. Lets go inside." Cartman said, struggling to his feet. He needed to work on resistance training. He offered a hand to Kyle, who surprisingly took it.
It didn't even dawn on Cartman that they had held hands up the drive way, and into the house, until they had reached the bathroom.
Cartman cleaned and bandaged Kyle's wounds while he sat on the toilet lid. "Alright switch with me." Kyle said when he was done. Cartman reluctantly took Kyle's place on the porcelain throne. "Oh. Dude. Take off your shirt." Kyle said, slightly horrified. Cartman carefully pulled his shirt off. He looked down. Kyle had done a number on his chest. There was a large blackish purple splotch under his right navel.
Cartman gingerly placed a finger to prod it. "Fuck!" He seethed. Was it broken? He couldn't work out his pecks with a broken rib! Kyle kneeled down to get a better look.
"You might need to go to the hospital."
"You think." Cartman spat.
Kyle stood up, and put his hands on his hips. "You're the one who charged me, remember?"
"Just give me the phone Kyle. I can protect us." Cartman said. "I'll delete the video just… please." Even if Cartman did delete it, he couldn't trust Kyle to keep his word. He couldn't let Kyle have this kind of leverage. Cartman would never get what he wanted if he wasn't in control.
"Fine." Kyle said, and begrudgingly handed Cartman the phone. Cartman snatched it out of his hands.
Cartman stared at the photo on Kyle's screen for a long moment. Solemnly he deleted the photo. "There it's gone."
"Alright. Now that that's taken care of, lets go to the hospital." Kyle said, examining his purple and red jaw in the mirror.
They helped each-other hobble to Cartman's car. They were quiet on their way to the hospital. It wasn't until they were checked in that Cartman said, "You sure gave in fast. I thought I was going to have to sneak into your room at night or something."
Wouldn't be the first time." Kyle muttered. "I should call my mom. She's going to flip out when I get home." He said, taking out his phone.
"Oh yeah, I need to tell my mom what to pick up for dinner." Cartman said. Still the same fat-ass as ever. Kyle thought.
"Huh?!" Cartman frantically patted around his arms, chest, and pants.
"Careful, you're going to aggravate your rib."
"Where's my phone?!" Cartman exclaimed.
"Oh yeah." Kyle reached into his pocket and brought out Cartman's phone. "Here you go." Kyle grinned.
It was nearly 11PM when Kenny received the call. Harrison Yates had his burner phone's number, and they had an arrangement that Mysterion would only take serious calls. Because vigilantism was a danger to society yata yata. Also, Kenny was tired of putting his ass and often his life on the line for stupid reasons.
The chief of police sounded extremely disturbed on the phone. "Mysterion, we need you!" Well that was a bit redundant. Why else call? "What is it?" Kenny asked in his gruff Mysterion voice, a little deeper now that his voice had matured through puberty.
"The CVS, Walgreens, Jesus, even the Walmart have all been hit. There's none left. He's taken all of it! We're done for unless you can save us!"
"Stop being cryptic!" Mysterion spat. This wasn't a suspense comic, they didn't need to bury the lead like this.
"Professor Chaos, the bastard, has stolen all of the town's Viagra!" Chief Yates cried. "Think of the women and children!"
"The women and children?" Mysterion rolled his eyes. He had already donned his super suit. It was the same design as it had been when he was a kid, except sexier, as he now had abs, and had tailored the suit to really advocate that.
"Yes. The women will have to face the reality that their husbands can no longer get it up for them, and how will the men produce children if they can't get it up? Or how will they get to ignore the fact that they have children for a blissful five minutes? You have to get down here!"
Mysterion sighed. "Where are you?" Wait. "Did you say Professor Chaos?"
"Yes! That terrorist! Your sworn enemy! He's on top of the hospital now. He even took the prescription stuff"
Why would Butters-? He had to get down there. "I'm on my way!" This town went crazy when they got insecure, and nothing made the men of this town more insecure than their own sexuality.
Mysterion arrived to a scene of pure chaos. No pun intended. Captain Chaos was on the roof of Hell's Pass Hospital. The police were already shooting wildly. Fortunately Butters had reworked the tin foil of his costume to instead be an actual bullet proof metal casing. His helmet also had a hard plastic clear covering for his eyes, (to not repeat any more ninja star incidents).
Kenny had not added such protective measures to his costume. Bullet proof vests were too bulky for the lean physique aesthetic he was going for. He may be poor, but that didn't mean he wasn't fashion forward. He located Yates, and demanded that he call down his men. He was not. I repeat NOT. Going to die over Viagra.
"Are you sure we can trust him, Captain?" One officer asked. "My wife suggested we get a babysitter this Friday."
"He's are only hope. If you want your dick to get hard for Friday, you shut up and put your weapon down."
"I'm not saying I need it. I don't. I'm just worried that I'll empathize too much with my fellow citizens and-"
"Drop your weapon soldier! We don't have time for nuances and excuses!" The officers reluctantly put down their weapons.
Mysterion threw himself into the air, and leapt from ledge to ledge until he reached the roof of the hospital. Dying constantly had helped him quell his fear of falling. Not that he wanted to die today.
He grabbed the bottom of the safety bars and swung himself over the railing onto the roof. Professor Chaos was opening bottles and bottles of blue pills and pouring them onto the floor. He then stomped on the piles of pills he was forming, crushing them to dust.
"I was wondering why you weren't answering my texts" Mysterion said, hands in the air.
"Get out of here, Mysterion. This doesn't concern you." Professor Chaos said, eyes only on his task.
"What's going on up there?!" One of the officers called.
A helicopter loomed closer, and an officer cried into his walkie, "Oh fuck! He's smashing them! Stop! We need those! I mean I don't but!-" bullets started flying. Shit. Could Yates not controll his men for five freaking minutes?!
"Butters we need to get out of here!" Kenny had to yell over the gun fire and helicopters. Captain Chaos's mask was bulletproof but nothing else was, and he wasn't as agile as Mysterion, nor was he immortal.
"No!" Captain Chaos cried. "And don't call me that! "Butters is my slave name!"
What the fuck? "Calm down dude."
"Clean the house Butters. Don't fly the drone Butters. Lie to the police, Butters. Don't lie to the police, Butters. Be good for Paris Hilton, Butters." He shouted. Butters grabbed a handful of pills and thr them into the helicopter blades. The pill dust raining down on the police officers below only encouraged their trigger happy fingers.
"Please Professor Chaos," Kenny started again. A bullet shot through his question mark. Shit. He didn't want to have drop money at the craft supply store. "Can you guys stop?!" He demanded of the officers below, but it was too loud for them to hear him.
"Let them be." Butters said. "I'm finishing this. I no longer fear death. Maybe my corpse will finally convince that asshole that he needs to backoff." Okay, no. NO NO NO NO NO. Noone got to play that game with Kenny. Butters was hysterical, and clearly too upset to be in his right mind, but he knew he wasn't actually suicidal.
"Come on!" Mysterion grabbed Professor Chaos by the arms. "We need to get out of here."
"Let me go!" Professor Chaos screamed. He managed to flip Mysterion over himself, landing Mysterion on top of a bunch of pill bottles. Where was this strength coming from? Sure it had been a while since they had actually come to physical blows. But usually Butters had nothing on him. He tried tripping Chaos from his position on the ground, but Professor Chaos jumped over his leg, artfully avoiding him.
Professor Chaos pushed a pile of still full viagra bottles onto Mysterion. Kenny shook them off. Pissed now. He would have found such an even match-up hot, if their lives weren't literally hanging in the balance. Mysterion threw a punch at Professor Chaos's head, recoiling, when it hooked his plastic mask. Butters hit back with a foot to the groin. Damn Butters, always so good at aiming right at the dick. Fortunately, Kenny, for all his vain lack of armor, always wore a cup. He liked to make sure he was in excellent condition for post crime fighting love making. Who didn't want to screw a victorious superhero?
Professor Chaos shook off the sting of the cup from his toes, and Mysterion took this opportunity to grab his leg, and bring him down on his mess of pill bottles and pills. Before Professor Chaos could recover, Mysterion yanked off his helmet, and headbutted him hard so hard he fell unconscious, and Kenny could feel blood falling from his own head within his mask. He didn't have time to think about that. He quickly put Chaos's helmet back on his head, scooped him up, and leaped with him into the helicopter.
He forced the pilot to take them down to the street where the police were stationed, they finally seemed to have run out of amo. Or they realized that they couldn't shoot at a target in such close range to each-other. But Kenny doubted they had the intelligence for that.
He exited the helicopter, Professor Chaos in his arms. "Great work, Mysterion!" the chief exclaimed. "I knew I could count on you! Now we'll just book him and bring him to the station."
"I told you to have your men hold their fire." Mysterion spat, and disappeared with Professor Chaos into the night.
"Darn it, Mysterion!" Yates called after him. "You're vigilantism is a menace to the law and to society!"
Butters awoke in his bed. His head hurt real bad. Aw hamburgers. He'd really done it this time. He was still groggy, but he was pretty sure he had hurt Kenny. And committed a real crime for once.
He slowly sat up, and saw that Kenny was lying next to him. He was still in his Mysterion costume, but his mask was off. He was breathing heavy. A thick gash of blood stained his skull. Had Butters done that?
"Kenny?" Butters asked softly.
"Hey dude," Kenny said, pained. Kenny raised his head, and groaned in immense pain.
"You don't look so good."
Kenny fought to look Butters in the eye. " I think I gave myself a brain aneurysm knocking you out last night. And I think it just ruptured" he groaned again.
"W-what?! We gotta get you to a hospital Kenny!"
"Your little stunt kinda shut that down last night, babe. They were still looking for us, and had secured the entrance-..es and exits." He was breathing really hard now. His eyes were crossing, and he was shaking. "Do me a...favor…," Kenny gasped. "Try and remember, at least up till Friday night."
"What?" Butters asked. "We need to get you to a hospital, we need to-"vomit slipped out of Kenny's mouth as he convulsed. His eyes rolled to the back of his head, and he fell to the floor, dead.
Oh Jesus!
A/N: Wow KC you come back after two freaking years just to kill Kenny? You bastard!
I know, I know. I wrote Craig's part back in January, 2018, and hated it. Rewrote Craig's scene that Summer, and added Kyle and Cartman's scene but then doubted myself on having them fight. A year and a half later, I reread it, and decided it actually worked. So much has changed in my life since I started this series. I graduated and I've been busy working full-time for the past two years.
I'm worried that I won't be as good at speaking with the character's voices after all this time. I know that the majority of people reading this story now probably aren't the ones who first followed along with me, so I really appreciate the comments I've been receiving all this time. They remind me that I have an unfinished fan-fic out in the universe and need to update/finish it. I hate it when writers don't finish their stories. So I'm going to do my best to not be a hypocrite.
I want to apologize again for my grammar; I had to reread everything to properly write this update and yikes! I may revise all of it and upload it to Wattpad or something one day, who knows.
Thanks for reading. I'll update soon, because this is a Romantic Comedy not a Hurt/Comfort story so Kenny can't stay dead for too long!