Lucifer surveyed the conference room with the cold precision of a hawk. He sat on an ornate throne carved out of volcanic rock from Orodruin at the head of a massive mahogany table. His wife Lilith was usually seated in a similar throne to his right but she was out attending to some important business in the Eighth Circle. She never was one much for these meetings anyway. Filling up the seats of both sides of the table was an assortment of the most powerful demons in Hell. Twenty-three overlords, all of them minus the porn mogul Valentino.
A torrent of conversations filled the room as the overlords exhausted their talkative natures before the commencement of the summit, where Lucifer decided who spoke and who didn't. A small smile etched into his lips as he listened to the words being exchanged. Without exception, every single one was laced with the veiled threats and hidden machinations that were inevitable when this many power-hungry megalomaniacs found themselves in the same room. He should know, he's been doing it longer than anyone after all.
The only overlord not neck-deep in said conversations was the infamous Alastor, who took in the interactions around him with a mildly amused yet intelligent and observant gaze, not unlike that of Lucifer. Out of the multitude of overlords present here, the Radio Demon was one of the few that he had any respect for, ridiculous nickname aside. It was this respect that had kept him from recalling his wayward daughter Charlie back to the palace when the Vagabond had commenced its assault on the overlords. Even though his respect definitely did not translate into trust, Lucifer figured the overlord was powerful enough to defend the "Happy Hotel" alone. Besides, he had promised to leave Charlie to her own devices on her foolish errand, which had been much to Lilith's displeasure. She had always been too soft on their daughter. If she was to be so headstrong in her hotel idea, she would fall on her own accord. He knew better than anyone that falling was a greater teacher than any parent.
Lucifer's gaze drifted to the large cast-iron clock that sat above the room's entrance that would signify the commencement of the summit. Below its gothic face, a bold inscription read "Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate". He always liked that statement, it was one of his favorite parts of that book. Which is saying a lot because he was a huge fan of Dante. So much so, in fact, that he had named the different districts of the capital city after his Nine Circles. Lucifer had also wanted to proudly display the inscription on the front gates of his palace, but his wife had managed to convince him it was too big of a cliche. Oh well, at least he could enjoy it now as a distraction from these petty fools that called themselves overlords.
His eyes slowly trailed down from the inscription down to the contingent of armed guards standing still as corpses at the entrance. They weren't there for any of the overlords' protection. That job was for the hundreds of guards that patrolled the thirteen levels from this underground bunker to the upper towers. No, these guards were here to escort in Vox and Stolas' "presentations." In Vox's case, extra preparation had been required in the form of extending the height and width of the doors. Lucifer would be quite annoyed if the prototype had any last-minute additions to it, something its ever dissatisfied creator was fond of, that could cause undue structural damage. He had grown quite fond of the new decorative molding that had come with the expansion.
The screams of the unfortunate sinners trapped within the clock jolted Lucifer out of his idle thoughts and signified the beginning of the summit. All the overlords hushed instantaneously in accordance with the screams and turned expectantly towards their king. He clapped his hands together loudly, causing a few of them to jump, and let his characteristic shit-eating grin spread over his face.
"Ladies and gentlemen., overlords of all ages. It is an honor to have all here today for the important matters we have to discuss. Well all barring one. It seems dear Valentino couldn't make it. No word yet from him as to why, unfortunately, but it's safe to assume the recent business with his main studio is responsible. Regardless, let the summit commence. I will start it off by illuminating some disconcerting truths about our violent interloper. Then Vox and Stolas will present their findings and solutions regarding said interloper. I trust everyone here is smart enough to understand these terms?"
Several of the more sycophantic overlords nodded, clearly missing the condescension of the final sentence. He was glad to see Alastor, Vox, and Vito Corleone mirrored his own sly grin at this.
"Excellent. Now onto Hell's new arrival. He's been going by many names recently: The Beast, Usurper, the Wendigo, and many more likely even stupider names."
Makkapitew, Lord of the Wendigos, hissed in anger. "I despise the idea of naming that fucking animal 'Wendigo.' It is no child of mine!"
"Certainly not. It's far more powerful," Lucifer snarked back at the interrupter, relishing the offended look the crossed his face. He had nothing more to add it seemed. "No, its true name, or at least what fits it best, is Vagabond. The eternal wanderer. But it is not a wanderer without a purpose. Which brings me to the most troubling revelation about it. I've been studying this Vagabond and his origins extensively for the past few days and, thanks to a generous gift from a wandsman, my theory has been confirmed."
With a wave of his hand, a screen descended from the ceiling directly above his throne. It flickered on and displayed a surveillance video of the Vagabond slaughtering several guards at Valentino's base side by side with depictions of him from ancient tomes he'd been gifted from Ickis the Wayward. In it, the Vagabond stood among a legion of horrors and abominations even Hell would find reprehensible. Above this army were seven symbols that formed a giant circle that surrounded a blood-red crown with a pair of antlers branching out of its sides.
"The Vagabond is the son of the Scarlet King."
Every single face in the room flashed with fear at the name. Even the guards looked afraid. They all have heard it in hushed whispers from far off dimensions ravaged by this Defiler of Worlds. Sometimes they even heard his voice in their dreams. Satan knows he has heard it more than once in his own. And even though Lucifer knew he had no room to be making moral judgments, the stories of what Scarlet King had done to his own daughters/brides unnerved even him. The eldritch abomination was the absolute antithesis of good and now his son was knocking on Lucifer's front door.
"I know what you're all thinking. No, he is not one of the seven Leviathans. From what little information there is on his origins, he seems to be a bastard child of some long-forgotten forest goddess. A small reassurance, all things considered."
The images on the screen changed to more depictions of Vagabond from the tome. In each one, the beast led armies of monstrosities and demons across burning worlds, crushing and tearing apart men, women, and children as they went. The final image that Lucifer let linger on the screen was that of the Vagabond standing atop a mountain of corpses, the sigil of his father blazing above his head, surrounded by monsters and humans alike who were in varying poses of supplication. Some were even offering their daughters up to him. Behind this grotesque scene, an enormous black portal had opened and revealed a blood-red smile deep within.
He overheard several audible gulps from around the room. Most of the overlords still seemed to be in shock from the revelation. Even the ever cheery Alastor had nearly lost his signature smile, while his close associate of a similar personality, Rosie, had lost her's altogether.
"If it's not clear from these lovely illustrations, it appears our dear guest Vagabond serves as a sort of vanguard for his father. But instead of securing a stronghold here or there, he conquers entire worlds for the Scarlet King and his main army to extract resources and manpower. It should be quite clear that's what he intends to do with our little home here." He paused and sat back in his chair, an indicator that the others were allowed to give their input now.
Corleone was the first of the overlords to recover from the initial shock, leaning forward and clasping his hands together in his typical mafioso manner. He spoke in a very matter-of-fact tone that was almost completely devoid of emotion.
"It is highly concerning that the Scarlet King's influence has reached this far. I'm sure we have all heard about his conquests in far off dimensions, but this distance has lulled us into an imaginary sense of safety and now he's caught us off guard. It is imperative that we get our bearings quickly and cut the head off this viper before it can make its fatal strike. For this, however, we'll need more information on how this Vagabond conquers worlds alone. If such information is available, otherwise we will be forced to work with what we have."
There were murmurs of agreement from all around the room at that. Lucifer noted that near the end of his speech, Corleone let slip a bit of emotion in the form of palpable disgust at the Scarlet King. The Devil couldn't blame him.
"I wholeheartedly agree that swift action is needed here. Unfortunately even my most powerful mages have been unable to detect his location, which is odd for a foreign being with so much power." He didn't let slip his true thoughts on the matter. Lucifer knew it had to be a powerful being hiding Vagabond's own signature. Which meant more than likely said powerful person was in the room right now. He had his suspicions on who and, in time, he had no doubt they would reveal themself. "But as for how he goes about conquering worlds, it seems to vary greatly from what spotty information there is about it. What I do know is that here he is using the average demon's contempt towards the overlords against us in the form of the hundreds of rebellions going on right now. I'm certain that he will soon take up the position of leader to these rebels. He must die before this occurs, and I believe that's a perfect segue for Vox and Stolas, who have told me they have some solutions to alleviate this issue."
He raised in hand in Vox's direction and the cybernetic overlord wasted no time in rising from his chair and putting on a presentational air, making sure to give Lucifer a courteous nod before doing so of course.
"Thank you, Lucifer. As disturbing as this new information is, I fear I have more bad news. But do not despair, it is accompanied by good news of course!" The screen on his face changed to CCTV footage very similar to Vagabond's carnage, however, the subject of this video was a very different destroyer. Lucifer had been briefed already on the Doom Slayer's arrival but he's been sure to keep it under wraps until he could release it in a controlled fashion to prevent more panic.
"This fellow might be a bit more familiar to you all. An old Hell's tale comes to life it seems. You are looking at the Doom Slayer in the flesh. As if one genocidal millennium old near godlike being wasn't enough, amiright?"
His joke only managed to garner one laugh from Velvet, who was likely too young to know the significance of who the Slayer was. Everyone else was once again gripped a fear almost as great as when Vagabond's Maury paternity test results were revealed.
"Oh yes, I remember that fellow quite well. He attacked my emporium not two nights ago. Quite a rude chap, I fear. Not one much at all for conversation," Rosie added with an uncharacteristic grumpiness.
"That he is. And he's not working alone either. As I can attest to." The screen changed to display the Slayer carrying two small imps who were desperately holding onto large metal boxes in their arms. "As you can see his choice of teammates is quite lacking. Stolas will have more on them later."
"They still managed to steal from you, Vox. You should try not and be so harsh on yourself," Alastor responded with mockery dripping in his voice. Several snickers were had at that, Lucifer's among them.
Vox didn't find it very amusing. The CCTV footage quickly disappeared from his screen and was replaced with his digital face glowering menacingly at the Radio Demon.
"So it seems, Alastor. But unlike you, I have some actual solutions to offer here. So do withhold your radio chicanery while serious topics are being discussed," Vox snarled at his mortal enemy's smiling face. Lucifer loved these meetings for this very reason, the political intrigue of these buffoons was a never-ending source of comedy.
Vox's expression switched instantly from contempt to lit with showmanship once again. "Now it's important that the arrival of these two not be seen as unrelated events. The Doom Slayer is a hunter of all things demonic and evil after all. So it should stand to reason that he is here to kill the Vagabond."
"Well, the solution seems obvious here. Let them fight. Then we'll all strike the winner when he's at his weakest. Otherwise, we have got a 'whoever wins, we lose' situation on our hands," Corleone quickly added. No doubt eager to get a point in before Vox continued on with his pitch.
"Son of the Scarlet King versus The Slayer of Doom. Now that's a gladiator match I'd love to commentate on," Alastor beamed.
"Couldn't have put it better myself, Corleone. All that's left now is to introduce this 'final strike' as you put it." Vox gestured towards the door, and the guards standing there hurriedly opened it. A loud stomping sounded from the hallway outside as a massive form lumbered into the room, thankfully able to fit through the entrance. There were several gasps from the overlords around the table, some even began to stand up and reach for weapons.
"Sit down!" Lucifer thundered at those foolish enough to attempt to draw weapons during a summit at his palace. The offending overlords recoiled at his voice and obediently sat back down, their gaze not leaving the new guest.
"Introducing the Vox-patented Cyberdemon! A perfect combination of my state-of-the-art cybernetics, demon physiology, and a bit of aetherium for flavor!" Vox sounded damn near orgasmic as he bragged about the prototype. Although, Lucifer had to admit it was quite impressive. The Cyberdemon was incredibly tall, having to stoop to keep its two massive horns from tearing into the twenty-foot high ceiling. Its musclebound frame was as wide as a barn door, further accentuated by the blue armor covering most of its grayish-pink skin. The prototype scanned the room with a surprising amount of intelligence in the four beady black eyes that sat above its gaping maw of a mouth. A massive blade scraped the floor from a wrist gauntlet on its right arm and the left was one massive rocket launcher glowing with a crackling blue light.
"Well, he certainly takes after his father in the looks department. You must be so proud," Alastor said as he nonchalantly took in the monstrous being. The joke knocked everyone out of their awe and the room quickly erupted into laughter. Vox looked furiously at Alastor which his creation copied the anger look. Lucifer worried it would act on it before Vox raised his hand in its direction. The Cyberdemon quickly settled down.
Through gritted electronic teeth, Vox continued. "Humor is a good coping mechanism for the weak. So I'll allow some indulgence of it if it makes you all feel better. Just know it will be my creation that saves all your interests when it takes down the survivor of the coming conflict. It has felled many powerful adversaries during its testing phase. Once it has proved itself in the field, I have no doubt it will pave the way for a new age of security in Hell. All the more pertinent with this new information about the Scarlet King. We need an army now more than ever and by mass producing these weapons, with the approval and allocation of resources from Lucifer of course, all of our interests will be secured indefinitely from foreign incursions such as this."
"An interesting proposition, I look forward to seeing your creation at work. However, it certainly has a lot to prove if what you're saying is to happen," Lucifer concluded. It was obvious Vox was trying to use the crisis to give himself insane amounts of control over Hell. Lucifer immediately put him at the top of his list of suspects.
His presentation concluded, Vox motioned for the Cyberdemon to leave the room and sat back down as it lurched back out into the hallway.
"Alright Stolas, let's see what you got for as regarding the Slayer's posse."
The owl lord rose in a much slower and less enthusiastic manner than Vox. He seemed exceedingly tired, but he retained his usual weirdly seductive tone as he addressed them.
"I'm afraid what I'm presenting is nowhere near as flashy as what dear Vox had to offer. Still, I believe these characters will hold your interests. For many reasons..." he let out a long sigh before continuing. "Let me preface this by saying as strange and pathetic as they appear, they are in league with a man who stole Lucifer's weed from right under his nose. Ricky LaFleur is his name and I believe he's now working with this Slayer character in the hunting of Vagabond."
"Let me just say my piece on the weed thing before you continue. The buds grew back overnight anyway so I'm not too bent out of shape over it. I'm still going to execute this Ricky character when I get my hands on him of course but just know I'm not lacking in the green department."
"I never had any doubts there, good sir. Anyways as the security footage and Vox's facial recognition software has corroborated, the Slayer is working with a group of imp assassins called the Immediate Murder Professionals or well... I.M.P."
"How exactly did a bunch of fucking imps find themselves working alongside the goddamn Doom Slayer and this Ricky guy anyway?" Overlord Ventress asked.
"That I'm not entirely sure. However, I believe these associates of Ricky from Earth, generously provided by our occult forces there, might help shed some light on the group and the possibility of them causing any more trouble for us."
Stolas motioned for the guards to open the doors in a similar manner to Vox, they obliged, and in walked four very strange humans. The leader was a muscular man in a black shirt and jeans with a glass of rum and coke in hand. Following closely behind him was a man in ridiculous glasses that made his fearful expression even more hilarious, a balding older man that reeked of alcohol, and finally, a shirtless man with a grotesquely distended gut that smelt as much of cheeseburgers as the man before him did of booze.
"Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to Julian, Bubbles, Jim Lahey, and Randy!"
"Who are these guys, Mr. Lahey?" the cheeseburger man whispered to the drunkard.
"Randy, you remember how I told you about the shit puppets. This is who's pulling the strings, boy," Lahey slurred.
"Oh fuck off with the shit talk, Jim! Now is not the time!" said the man he assumed was Julian ordered. Given that the only one that could possibly be named Bubbles was the fool with the goofy glasses.
Lucifer glanced around to gauge the other overlords' reactions. All of them looked on at the carnival-like display with mouths agape or lips upturned in sneers of disgust. Alastor was barely containing hysterical laughter, and Stolas was gazing hungrily at Julian.
"So Stolas let me get this straight, Vox brought me a revolutionary prototype of war and you bring me four drunken trailer park boys...? Excellent! Let's see what Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, and Confucius here have to say!" Lucifer said as a war waged in his mind between being outraged and intrigued by the display before him. He would let it go on for now though.
"Well I guess you're not totally wrong there, Mr... uh, Devil sir. I've read some Plato and Socrates, and I'm down with them," Bubbles said nervously.
"Ohohoho is that so? Do tell," Lucifer chuckled.
"Well I do know that Plato figured it was okay to lie if it was for the greater good of the people. Cocksucker called it the 'Noble Lie.' Figured that would resonate with you being the Father of Lies."
"Damn it's been a while since I've been called 'Father of Lies.' Perhaps I judged your intelligence too harshly. Now if you please, enlighten me on your friend Ricky LaFleur who stole some of my weed."
"Ricky stole the Devil's weed? DECENT!" Bubbles exchanged a high five with Julian as he made some strange grunting noises. Only to catch the Devil's less than amused expression and hide behind his friend.
This Julian character stepped forward to address his question instead. "Well, what I can tell you about Ricky..."
"HE IS A FUCKING SHIT APPLE! FALLEN OUT OF THE SHIT TREE AND LANDED RIGHT WHERE HE BELONGS! IN H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS!" Lahey interrupted as he stumbled forward towards Lucifer and waved his hands wildly like some insane preacher.
"Mr. Lahey calm down. That's the Devil your talking to!"
"BOBANDY I KNOW WHO THIS IS! THE DEVIL MEET THE LIQUOR, THE LIQUOR MEET THE DEVIL!" he offered his hand to shake. Lucifer refused. "I'M WARNING YOU, HE'S SELLING YOUR WEED RIGHT NOW AND MAKING A HUGE PROFIT! IT'S ALL PART OF THE SHIT PLAN, YOU SEE."
"Jim, enough with the shit talk! We're surrounded by demons in Hell for fuck sakes!"
"No please, continue, it's quite prophetic," Alastor chuckled.
"Thank you, Mr. Deer Man! Would like a little drinky p-." Lahey fell over, passed out on the floor, and proceeded to piss himself.
"Take this idiot away! And the gut one too. Julian and Bubbles will remain for now," Lucifer snarled. The guards hauled the two men off without a word. Leaving the room's inhabitants in a mix of amusement and disgust.
"Alright Julian and Bubbles, continue. Do give me some useful information, now. As funny as this initially was, I'm steadily losing my patience with the bullshit," he warned.
"Yeah sorry about those guys, they're totally fucked," Julian said, his voice straining to take on an authoritative tone. "So what I've heard about Ricky is that he's working with this Slayer guy who is hunting down this other creepy bastard named Vagabond."
"Correct."
"Well, if Ricky stole your weed and is working for a guy like that. It's got to be for some type of reward and now that fucking idiot is in way over his head."
"There is a huge bounty on Vagabond. I figured that's what would be their group's main motivation. What else are you thinking?"
This is when Bubbles spoke up, putting on a much less effective version of Julian's tone as he did. "Now uh Mr. Lucifer, I know this will sound fucky but it's the God's-h... honest truth. Ricky is gonna use your super-strong Devil Weed as a weapon for that creepy samsquanch lookin cocksucker. He probably got it in his goofy brain of his that getting the monster high off his nutsack will help them kill it easier. He also wants to get high as fuck himself too."
"That's ridic... well actually, now that I think about it, it's not a terrible idea. With the amount he stole, and if it's concentrated to the right degree, Ricky could actually make a pretty potent chemical weapon. For his sake though, he best not smoke it. Even in its regular form, a human will be put in a coma for decades at least."
"If there's any human out there that can take, it's Ricky," Bubbles said without hesitation. Julian nodded in affirmation.
"Hmm, can't wait to see that put into action. You two are dismissed. I trust Stolas will keep you close at hand for any further questioning."
"Oh trust me, I intend to," Stolas purred. Lucifer hoped the creepy owl bastard would take it easy on them. He had to admit the two had grown on him a little,
But now he was just eager to end the already too long for his taste meeting and test out the weed for himself. It had been a while since he'd indulged in his own lettuce after all. As he turned to prepare the closing statements for the summit, Lucifer caught himself smiling maniacally.
Things in Hell had gotten quite strange, and he was loving every minute of it.
Julian's POV
"This is a nice place you got here, Stolas," Julian observed as he took in the fancy decor of the owl demon's bedroom. He had asked Julian and Bubbles to help him move a passed out Lahey and Randy (he had gotten ahold of Lahey's flasks while waiting in the hallway during the meeting). Stolas hadn't helped them though, just watched from his luxury couch as the two men struggled to drag the sweaty bastards inside. Julian would've called him out, but this was a seven-foot tall creepy ass demon he was dealing with.
"Thank you. Place them atop those tarps in the closet, please. Don't want those piss stains seeping into any of my decor."
"Not trying to be rude or anything, but couldn't we have left these two sweaty dickweeds somewhere else?" Bubbles said as he grimaced down at the two drunken idiots.
"Oh, heaven's no. My wife is unaware I have any men staying with me tonight. Much less shirtless or...handsome muscular men. She'd no doubt have quite a few choice words with me if she knew." He rose from his couch and walked over to the two and leaned down to whisper in Julian's ear. "So let's keep this our little secret."
Julian shivered. This fucking creepy demon was coming on to him. Oh, fuck no. No way in Hell was he getting banged by a giant bird.
"You think those two are handsome?" Bubbles asked in confusion.
"He isn't talking about them, Bubs," Julian sighed.
"Indeed," Stolas purred as he ran a talon up Julian's arm. Bubbles paled in realization.
"Now I believe it's due time we get truly acquainted, Julian. What did Lahey call you again? Sexian? I like that, as crude as it is. Bubbles, you can wait in the bathroom if you wish."
A plan quickly began forming in Julian's head. He was never any good with spur of the moment decision making. That was more Ricky's thing. But he had no choice now. It was either that or a fight that he and Bubbles would surely lose. He went for it.
"Stolas, before we get started, I got some of Ricky's amazing weed in my pocket. Why don't we get fucked and that way we'll all enjoy this better," Julian proposed, trying his best to cover up the nervousness in his voice.
Stolas tapped his beak in contemplation for a bit before his face split in a wide smile. "Excellent idea. I'm liking you much better than Blitzo already."
"Who?"
It didn't take long to get Stolas high out of his mind. Especially since Julian and Bubbles had been pretending to take hits for a while now. The bird demon was now lying on his bed, giggling hysterically at the puppet show Bubbles was distracting him with. It was then Julian went for the heavy-looking book he saw on the shelf and crept up behind Stolas.
As Stolas was mid-laughing fit, he swung the book full force at the demon's head, colliding with it in a thunderous crack. He dropped like a sack of potatoes onto the bed.
"Take that you greasy bastard!" Bubbles shouted.
Julian gave him a second whack for good measure before darting out of the room with his friend in tow. They made it halfway down the hallway when they nearly crashed right into a large female-looking owl demon which they assumed to be Stolas' wife.
She leaped backward, her face a mask of fear. It quickly morphed into rage, however, and Julian gulped and his mind completely blanked.
"WHO IN THE FUCK ARE YOU!" she shrieked, dragging her talons against the wall menacingly as she approached them.
Bubbles thankfully took up what was usually Ricky's position of the quick bullshit weaving. "Ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you this but your husband has got two male prostitutes in there right now that he got high and drunk with before getting frisky. My friend here and I were called to pick them up earlier and when we got here they were in the closet passed out and pissin' themselves. We were just coming to break the news to you."
"That cheating bastard! He promised no more after that fucking imp! Thank you for telling me gentleman, my guards will escort you outside." she pointed to a contingent of guards heading their way after being alerted by the screams.
After the guards led them outside of the palace grounds, Julian gave Bubbles a high-five. "That was awesome, man. Ricky would be proud of that shit you came up with."
"Aw thanks, Julian. And that was fucking awesome the way you clocked that arsehole over the head with that big fucking book. If I was in my Green Bastard costume I would've cranked him one good." Bubbles excitedly gave his friend a hug which Julian hesitantly accepted. "Now we just got to find Ricky and get the fuck out of this place!"
"Couldn't agree more, Bubs."
Of in the distance, a zeppelin cruised over the Pentagram sky. Bubbles took notice as well and pointed it out to Julian with the glee of a small child.
"Julian, check it out! A fucking zeppelin just like that Hindenburg cocksucker! I've always wanted to cruise around in those things!"