Chapter 13 -Half Woman, Half Shadow

Oh I need you, yes I need you.
Give me a reason to believe.
Wash my pain away
Cause I'm Half a Woman, Half a Shadow

She was dreaming again, her brain assembling the nightmare which took on different locations but, always ended the same. Mac tried to force herself awake but, in this dream state, her leg propelled her forward…

There was fog again seeping through the doors of the abandoned building Mac was walking through. She held her trusty sidearm at the ready, a compact 9mm that she usually carried at the small of her back.

Her body was tense, tensing even more walking down an impossibly long hallway that seemed to have no end. She stopped short when gluttoral cries of anguish and pain echoed through the building. Instinctively, Mac knew it was Harm.

She set off on a dead sprint, racing down the hall trying to locate the room where he was being held. Only the floor began to shake, breaking apart at her feet. Mac launched herself into a room, crashing to the floor and losing her weapon in the process.

It skidded away stopping at the edge of an overly expensive loafer. When she looked up, Mac found the owner of the foot, Clayton Webb standing alongside her tormentor. "Why are you here, Sarah?"

Between the men, backed into a corner she spotted Harm with his head hanging down in an unnatural angle. He wore his mess dress uniform but the white jacket was filthy, a big patch of dried blood spread in the center. "Harm!" She cried out and extended a hand to reach for him.

"I like to give her two choices." Sadik bent down, retrieving the pistol. He emptied out the magazine leaving all but one bullet chambered.

Mac knew the choices - him or her - either way either she or Harm would die. "Why are you doing this?" She asked Webb who had practically yanked her to her feet. "If you cared for me…"

"Because you'll never want me as long as Rabb is alive." He took the pistol from Sadik and shoved it into her hand. "Choose."

Harm's breath hitched when the terrorist briefly turned on a device similar to the one used in Paraguay. He held back a scream until he could hold it back no more. "Harm...I'm sorry." As always, Mac raised her arm, trained the weapon at his head and pulled the trigger...

"Harm!" Mac shot up in bed and fought the wave of nausea, swallowing down the bile that had risen. She scrubbed her hands across her face, brushing off the sweat from her current nightmare. For a moment she sat in bed, forgetting that she was no longer in London but sharing a suite with Webb in Paris.

Webb. He had been in this nightmare as well, alongside Sadik Fahd. She figured it was a product of the previous night's conversation, the knowledge that he wanted Harm out of the way so he could have her. "Bastard."

The sound of running water alerted her as to Webb's whereabouts and she was grateful not to wake with him next to her - the thought was positively revolting. Heaving a sigh, Mac untangled herself from the damp sheets and made a beeline for the closet digging her cellphone out of the room safe. After snapping the battery into place, she stepped onto the balcony impatiently waiting for the phone to come to life. Mac needed to call him to hear his voice that could calm the unease she felt. And she was uneasy from the dream, Webb and something that she couldn't quite put her finger on.

It wasn't just the nightmare but a growing feeling that something had occurred that was beyond her control. The phone pinged notifying her that voice messages had been saved - the first and only one was from Harm:

"Hey. I know you won't be able to answer back but I….I just wanted to let you know.. I uh, damnit Mac, I miss you." His voice stopped for a moment and a ragged breath took its place. Harm was an excellent lawyer whose words could impassionately slay even the worst critics. With her, he was always careful, measured, like he was afraid to tell her the wrong things. "I smell you everywhere, my sheets, on my clothes...our bed. You're everywhere and I miss the hell out of you…..I'm not sure what the hell you did to me…." He chuckled, "But I never want to go back again….Come home."

Home. Mac felt a tear slide down her cheek. He didn't profess his love for her, she noticed he'd tamed that down somewhat likely as a method to not rock the boat. But, his tone was gentle, loving even, he didn't need to say the words to her anymore to know that he loved her. "I miss you, too." She snapped the phone shut and gripped it tightly against her chest.

Home. In the last few weeks she'd come to realize that home was wherever Harm was. He was everything to her despite the horrible things she'd done, he remained and always would, she knew. Mac stared at the phone in her hand and straightened her spine, sadly letting thoughts of him go for the moment.

She couldn't think about Harm, it often led to her brain wired, fantasizing things that were better left in the recesses of her mind. She was an officer in the CIA and as such, had a job to do without her personal life getting in the way. With a sigh, she stepped back into the room, stripped the phone of its battery and placed it back in the safe next to Webb's. For the first time in forever, she couldn't wait to be home.

"What the hell did you do?" Mac spun around to find Clay stepping out of the bathroom wearing his undershirt and briefs neither of which hid much of the marks left on his body from the hand of a madman. He stared at him for a moment, finding the long discolored skin on his thighs and the others on his shoulders that disappeared into t-shirt, reminders that he'd put his life and body on the line for her. "What the hell did you do, Mac?"

Mac, not Sarah - whatever he was speaking of was definitely business. He rarely spoke her boyish nickname unless something serious had occurred and by the look in his eyes, Clay seemed troubled. "What are you talking about?"

He stopped beside the side table and produced a heavy sealed bag smeared with blood. Inside was a pistol. "Parisian police found this in an alley not far from this hotel."

"So?"

"It's yours."

Mac had the audacity to laugh although a sickening feeling told her he was right. She stared at the weapon in Clay's outstretched hand, through the plastic bag she saw blood, hair and dirt. It couldn't be hers which she hadn't touched since they arrived some days ago. She shook her head. "What are you accusing me of, Clay?"

"Mac…I don't mind cleaning up after you, it's what I do but, you can't be so reckless."

She went to the opposite nightstand and yanked open the drawer. "My sidearm is in the Bible where it's been since..." Only when she raised the book, Mac found the weight to be off, she didn't have to open it to know the gun was missing. "I ah...It's not..it's not there."

Mac sat at the edge of the bed feeling the vestiges of her headache began to manifest. The words fluttered to life in the recesses of her mind and she pushed them aside which only provided kindling for the pain. 'There will never…'

She spotted the pile of clothes at the foot of the bed, hers, the ones she'd worn last night. Mac grabbed the silk beige blouse, raising it up to see the telltale signs of dried blood and something else. "What… oh God." The garment dropped out of her hand as Mac rushed to the bathroom kneeling in front of the toilet to vomit.

The pounding of her head had increased exponentially and then the visions began, like snap shots of what had occurred - a man following, the strike on his head with the butt of her pistol, gun shot, the bottle of Jack. She was grateful that Clay pressed a cool washcloth to the back of her neck and helped her stand. He waited patiently as she rinsed her mouth with mouth wash and splashed some water on her face. "What happened last night? I get back from the bar, find you passed out in bed. Bloody clothes everywhere and a bottle of whiskey spilled on the ground."

"I didn't drink?" She turned to face him, sighing when he shook his head.

"No. At least, I don't think so." Clay brushed the hair off of Mac's face, tucking some of the strands behind her ear. He was being deceptively gentle. "Sarah, who was he?"

"He was sent by Sadik, tasked to follow us… I saw him last night on the ferry, thought he was just some creep getting off on you and me." She should have followed her instincts then but, was too busy thinking of other things, specifically, another man. "I shot him, for no reason at all… I didn't even think about the intel we could collect."

"I need to tell you something that you're not gonna like." Clay took a breath and shakily let it out, he was willing to tell her the truth now, his lie that had come to fruition. He took her hand in his, squeezing gently. "A few months after Paraguay, we caught Sadik. He was killed trying to flee. At least, that's what I was told. Pictures matched, all the records we had on file, it all matched. He was dead."

Mac felt the ire begin to raise in her, an anger that was so uncontrollable. "What? No...you said…"

"He was dead...and now there's chatter on the wire that he may still be alive." He sighed, "I led you on to keep you close when I saw things getting too serious with you and Rabb in Canada."

Roughly, she pulled her hand out of his grasp. "I was going leave the Brotherhood then, leave and never turn back." Mac recalled her and Harm's wounds being tended to, the loving way he held her gaze that made every click into place. She was determined to leave the agency then and let Harm heal her until Webb interfered with lies of Sadik. "You told me he was alive."

"I lied to you then… turns out my lie came true." He expected her to slap him although Webb didn't think Mac would punch him. "God dammit, Mac." She'd broken his nose and he cowered away once she wound her fist up again. "Stop! I'm sorry, okay!"

Mac struck him again, this time slamming her fist into his gut. "You stupid son of a bitch, Sadik will come after me he wants me for some reason."

"You don't know that." Webb said in a nasaly voice as he held his bleeding nose.

"I do. And you've had me playing your lackey, chasing after false information!"

"I kept you safe, Sarah."

"Safe?" She laughed at the use of the word, Mac was anything but safe. "So safe I had to crawl into a bottle of alcohol to survive?!"

"That was your doing not mine. If you weren't so ridiculously infatuated with Harm you would have been fine. If you went back to Langley and followed up with your treatment, I wouldn't have an Interpol issue on my hands with that guy you killed! The control is off the rails, you can't perform anymore."

"Treatment? Or brainwashing? Let's call it what it is... programming." Mac spat out shaking her head at the thought of what they'd done to her - what she allowed. "I'm not going back to that."

Webb sighed as if her words hurt him. "You may not have a choice. It will fix you, make you better."

It would fortify their control, shut her emotions out, make her hate him, hurt him. She loved Harm and wouldn't put him through more pain. "No. I'm not going back to that ...I'm not leaving him again."

"You may not have a choice." He went to the bathroom and returned with a damp rag now stained in blood. "Get dressed, we have to get out of here before the cops wonder why your pistol isn't in lockup."

Wearily, Mac stepped into Harm's apartment - their apartment, as he reminded her. They were a couple now, had been since he'd helped her recover. Truth be told, they had always been a couple, even with JAG assignments and investigations, they usually came as a set - the Colonel and the Commander. She smiled fondly as she thought about the past, the closeness they shared, the camaraderie.

She dropped her small suitcase by the door and took a deep breath. There was a faint scent of Harm's cologne and aftershave, a smell so uniquely him that lingered in the air. Mac followed the aroma finding the source stretched out on the sofa fast asleep. on There was an open folder draped on his chest and some of the pages had fallen out and drifted to the ground.

Mac smiled. She liked watching him sleep, the rise and fall of his chest, the soft breath and quiet sounds he made. Harm didn't snore, a fact she was grateful for, but he sometimes talked in his sleep especially when stressed. She removed the folder from his chest, stuffed the pages inside and tossed it to the coffee table where other files were spread across.

Although she didn't want to wake him, Mac needed to be close to him physically and feel the warmth of his arms holding her tightly. Carefully, she crawled onto him, laying her body down over his own. She sighed contentedly as her head rested against his chest. It wasn't too long before she felt his arms wrap around her, pulling her even closer into his body.

"Please tell me I'm not dreaming this." He opened one of his eyes and then the other grinning as her mouth met his in a soft kiss. "Hey beautiful."

"Hey yourself, sailor." They kissed again, slowly and much sensually than they had in forever. It held a promise of something more until she tore her lips from his. "Please tell me you have plenty of time on the books." Her tone was almost desperate.

"I should, yeah.. Why?"

Mac's head came back to his chest and she heard the steady rhythm of his heart, the sound had the most soothing effect on her. "Let's get out of here. You and me...I need to get out of here... with you."

"What happened?" He was almost afraid to ask, Mac was mostly closed off about work and the times he tried to delve into her assignments had caused an argument or two.

"I don't know."

Harm sighed, he knew the answer and it was a word he was sick of. "Lemme guess, classified."

"It is but...I...I killed a man. A lot of it is hazy, I don't even remember leaving the hotel but, I remember that." She shook involuntarily at the thoughts of Sadik having them followed. There was no way to surely know if and when he would strike. "I barely remember when you and me...when we, you know, slept together, back in Canada...It's bits and pieces like a dream. I feel my mind is erasing things."

His fingers ran up and down her spine, slow and soothing and he felt her body relax against him in somewhat of a surrender. Harm had learned to stop pushing her and let her ease into serious conversation, it never got them anywhere to press her buttons. "When did it start?"

She bit her lower lip almost ashamed to admit that it was him that had done that to her. 'You broke me.' Some memories of their time together on the houseboat were much more prevalent than others. 'We were a little desperate for each other.' Mac closed her eyes tightly. "Toronto."

"So, it's my fault." It wasn't a question, she had stated before that being with him did things to her - good things, in his opinion if it meant breaking the agency's hold on her. "What do you need me to do?"

"Webb wants me to go to Langley, see the doc that handles my case. My intuition is telling me to stay far away."

"It rarely fails you."

He was right, it had gotten both of them out of some hairy situations. "Something inside wants me to go but, I'm...scared to." She sighed heavily and raised up to look into his eyes. "I don't want to hurt you again...Whatever they do to me...it makes me... God, I hate saying this... hate you."

Absentmindedly, her fingers skimmed over the spot where he'd been shot a year prior. Though no longer painful, it made him flinch. "Hate's a strong word."

Although she'd explained this to him before he saw the pain in her eyes, the confusing emotions. "I wanted to hate you too for a time." Like when she broke his heart in Paraguay or the night she left after they made love. It hurt like hell and he would have preferred hating her over living with the pain of not having Mac. The fates felt it prudent to have them meet again when he had finally managed to get on with his life.

"I don't trust Webb. He used me to find you and that phone book." Her body tightened again, he could feel it happen beneath his palms, the tension and it was a tell she felt the same. "Did he do something to you?" The concept of that bastard touching her or worse made his own body tense with murderous intent. Deputy Director or not, there wasn't a rock he could hide under where Harm would find and kill him, consequences be damned. "I'll fucking kill him."

Although Mac wasn't a fan of neanderthal theatrics, she liked this side of him - her protector. Harm had always been this way with those he cared for. With her, it was much more fierce, she understood it for what it was now - love. "He kissed me, we were pretending to be husband and wife. And then he he wanted me…That I needed him not you."

She couldn't keep the amused tone out of her voice which made his tension ease. "Oh yeah?" The very notion of Webb being better for Mac than him made Harm laugh. He may not be the best man in the World but, he was surely better than Clayton Webb.

"Harm." Her voice had turned serious again. "I think he wants to hurt you...No, I'm certain he does."

His amused grin spread on his lips and Harm could barely contain a chuckle. "I'd destroy him if he tried."

"I'm being serious… Hand to hand, no doubt. But, he has methods, people that would do his bidding." In reference to Harm she was sure Clay would do the deed himself. "Please be careful...I'm not always around to watch your six."

"I will, Mac."

"Promise me...I don't want to lose you."

"I promise." Harm turned them over so that her back was against the cushions. His lips descended on hers, kissing Mac slowly and his tongue sought permission which was granted. Her hands slid under his shirt, skimming over the hard ripples of muscles that defined Harm's abdomen.

God, how she wanted him, all of him and when Harm's own hand barely moved along the swell of her breast, she was almost unglued. Mac had made him wait and this wonderful man had been so patient, never taking more than she would give. But, they hadn't kissed like this with such passion since the last time, the night she left him.

It made an ache pass over her heart. What had she done to him? It forced her to break away and it was all Harm could do but, stare at her in confusion. "I'm sorry."

He wasn't, not one bit. It was farther than they'd gotten in so long and held a promise that soon he could love her again, completely. "No rush." He pressed one chaste kiss on her lips and smiled. "Sooo, where do you want to run off to?"

Mac expected him to be upset, instead she found a kind of awed expression in his eyes. It served to reaffirm how wonderful he was. "Surprise me."