Disclaimer: Twilight was written and created by Stephanie Meyer.

December 27th, 1918

When one is confronted by a vampire, the appropriate action would be to scream. When one awakens as a vampire, the appropriate action would also be to scream.

Except my throat is constantly on fire these days with thirst, and Carlisle has hidden us deep into the woods where no one would be around to hear me. All I did was scream those first torturous days when I had realized what I had become. The memory of the transformation still haunts me – I can still feel those phantom strikes against my nerves and my bones being broken and mended over and over and over again. There are days I wish to rip Carlisle apart for what he's done to me. I can barely remember my former life – who was I? Who were my parents? I'll look into the mirror Carlisle has in his room on the days he goes out to run errands as quickly as he can, and all I see is a beautiful, empty shell of a young man. I don't remember being handsome as a human, but then again I can barely remember what color my eyes were. Now I only see horrible blood red. Was I this muscular even as a human? I look like one of those boxers that people would gamble on in the underground rings. Carlisle won't show me what I looked like in my final moments before he turned me – maybe that's for the best. I'll touch my hair and see flashes of a woman – she looked like me and had the same hair. My mother, I think.

Carlisle told me that he only turned me as a request from my mother. He told me that she had sensed something unnatural about him when we both lay dying in the flu ward of the hospital. The image of this woman I can't recognize, auburn hair splayed out over a thin pillow, her thin lips parched and vomit stains on the sheet, and her painfully sallow green eyes. Somehow, her plea for help had convinced him. I couldn't look him in the eyes after that - how could I when the only thing I wanted to do was hurt him for doing turning me into a monster?

Carlisle bought me this journal as an outlet for Christmas. I didn't get him anything, not that I could. I expressed as much, and he only gave me a pitiful smile, and I only saw a sad reflection of myself from his perspective. He remembers when he first turned, waking up in a cellar underground scratching at his throat. He hasn't told me the full story, but I can piece together enough from what his memories tell me. Visions of a priest striking Carlisle's face, a slender man with dark red lips in a dark alley whispering, beckoning Carlisle to leave his group. His first days crawling on the ground and trying to kill himself.

Right now, I only have Carlisle's thoughts to listen in on. His mind runs miles ahead of mine – I can't handle his mind alongside my own, even though my only thoughts are about the unrelenting thirst for blood. I can't imagine having to handle others as well once Carlisle starts to introduce me back into society.

Some days, I'll sit in the room Carlisle gave to me and just watch my skin sparkle with that horrible, brilliant sheen. The birds smack into the window with the sight and promise of it. What a grand joke God played on us, to make us so beautiful on the outside yet so hideous within. Maybe I had died, and this was the hell I was condemned to, for what sin I don't know. What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? What did I do?

BELLA

I spent the night reading that first entry in Edward's journal over and over again. It was all over the place and seemed uncharacteristic of him until I remembered that he had only been three months into his new lifestyle. I could hear his smooth voice in my head as I read on, and more than once I had to stop and stare at the ceiling.

I felt bad for spurning the others as if they didn't know what I was going through. Reading about Edward's mother and her dying wish to Carlisle might have made me shiver if I was still human. It felt a little strange as well, to think back on how mine and Edward's transformation came at the cost of a parent's life. I hugged the journal to my chest as the guilt had flooded through. I wanted to continue on with the journal, but I wanted to be respectful of what Edward had given me. A glimpse into his thoughts when he had access to everyone else's felt too special for me to breeze through, and I resolved myself to only read the journal when I truly needed his insight.

Of course, I could have just asked him for his insight but the truth was that having Edward's thoughts and feelings displayed on yellowed, fragile pages was much easier than playing a guessing game in person.

A knock on the door brought my attention back down the earth. "Come in," I said, sitting up and getting ready to throw off the comforter when I realized I'd been lying on the floor all those hours.

It was Edward. He chuckled when he saw me on the floor.

"Good morning," He murmured. "Is the bed uncomfortable? Esme could replace it if you like,"

"No, it's fine," I say hurriedly. "I just sat down here and didn't get back up."

"Mm. Sometimes that's needed." He murmured. His light gold eyes glanced towards his open journal next to me, and then back to me. His eyes betrayed no emotions, and I tried to keep my face straight. "Esme and I are going to go into the town for a little while so we can keep up an appearance. Alice will be here with you. Do you need anything?"

"No I don't, thank you though. Are you leaving now?"

"Yeah, we're only going to the general store. The cashier there is a gossip, and if we go early enough she'll let everyone know that we came in today."

"Oh, okay." I murmured, getting up. I followed Edward out, and we walked silently down the stairs and into the main house. "Have you always been in the attic?" I asked him.

He chuckled. "Yes. I always have the room on the top floor in all of our houses."

"Doesn't it get lonely? It's so quiet up here."

"That was the point," He smirked at me. "Everyone's thoughts are at the periphery up here. It's not much, but it does help."

I didn't know what to say to that, so we walked down in silence. I could hear Alice giggling in her room, the sound of Jasper's deep chuckle coming in faint through the phone. Esme was humming as she chucked her wallet into her purse. Her eyes glanced towards us as we descended the stairs and she smiled warmly.

"Edward, are you ready to go?" He hummed a yes. He glanced towards me, eyes widening slightly when he saw I was observing him. He gave an awkward smile and went to grab his keys and leaving out the mudroom, not turning back. I stood there, hearing his footsteps and getting into the car, revving the engine.

Esme's gentle hand pressed onto my shoulder. "Are you alright?"

I nodded. "I think so."

"Will you try to keep Alice out of trouble for me?"

"I'll try my best," I responded, watching as Esme put on her coat. She waved goodbye and joined Edward in the car. The sound of the Volvo peeling out of the garage and onto the driveway was instant – and then only silence. The house creaked as the wind blew hard against the structure. I kicked at the expensive rug at my feet, unsure of what to do next.

The only thing to do was bother Alice, and as far as I could hear she put the phone down. My feet on autopilot, I walked slowly back up the winding stairs and down the hallway to her room. Pop music played softly through the speakers in the room, and I pushed open the door to let myself in. Alice was reorganizing her closet, dancing to the tune and throwing shirts left and right. Wading through the chaos on the floor, I came up next to her, picking up a revealing dress that she had set on top of a massive pile collecting on her bed. Alice waggled her eyebrows at me as she continued bopping around, taking the dress from me and dramatically turning to her mirror.

"Is this my color?"

"It's not the color you should be worried about."

Alice rolled her eyes. "My fault for asking the prude of the house. Oh wait, there's two of you now."

Despite the sarcasm, I laughed genuinely. Alice brightened and went back about her business. "So what brings you to my abode? See anything you'd like for yourself?"

"I could never fit into any of your clothes."

"Hm, true. We could always tailor it." Alice threw out some old shirts my way, and I caught them easily. My new reflexes weren't surprising to me anymore, but it was strange not dropping things right away. The shirts Alice threw to me seemed to be in mint condition, nary a tear or a hanging strand.

"Do you not want these?"

"Nah, they sent me the wrong size when I ordered it a couple of years ago, and Rosalie wouldn't be caught dead in them, hah!"

I set them aside, not entirely interested but not wanting them to go to waste either. "Do you need any help?"

Alice sighed, looking at the disarray she had caused. "No, it's my mess. Besides, I still need to sort through what I'm keeping and getting rid of. Oh! I know! Are you up to let me try that hairstyle I've been bugging you about?"

I shrugged. "Sure."

Alice beamed. "Great! Let's go downstairs, I can't look at this pigsty anymore." She bounced out of her room with no regards if I was following or not. Silently I trailed her, taking in her appetite for anything that brings her joy. I knew very little about her background, only that she was born the same year as Edward, and that she woke up in a deserted asylum. Did she start to remember her life back then after the haze of a newborn's bloodlust had lifted?

Alice went to the living room, and flopped onto the couch, giggling as she saw me smile. "Just sit in front of me. I brought some rubber bands!" Alice showed me the bag of tiny rubber bands for small braids, and some large ones as well. I blanched as she shakes the bag out, spilling it out onto the couch.

"What are you planning on doing to me?"

"Oh shh, it won't take too long. I'm very fast," She winked. I sat down in front of her, and Alice ran her cold fingers through my scalp. I sigh deeply at the feel of it, almost moaning. "Your hair is so soft," She whispers. "I'd do anything for hair like this."

"What happened to your hair, Alice?" I ask, but for once Alice doesn't say anything. We continued to sit in silence as she ran her hands through the length of my hair. "Did I offend you?" I ask quietly.

"No," She murmurs. "They cut it all off in the asylum. I don't remember it, but that was the practice back then. Whatever I have now is what was growing when I had been changed."

"It suits you."

"You think?" She brightens. "It was very in fashion a few years later,"

"I bet you were a star everywhere you went."

"Oh, I was," Alice said, very serious. A beat passed, and suddenly we were both cracking up, her fingers still in my hair as I shook from laughter. We calmed enough to where she actually started taking sections from the side of my face, giggles still popping up as she started to braid. I brought my knees up to hug as she braided my hair, listening to the house breathe. The vents whirred, and the crackle of a TV still on for hours. Outside the birds warbled, and foxes played in the forest, their small screeches just audible to our ears from inside.

"Do you remember anything from your human life?" I ask.

Alice paused. "Not much. I think I told you I most likely had premonitions as a human. I think…I think I had gone through a lot of trauma in the asylum. I don't even know why I was transformed." She started braiding my hair tighter, and I winced. "Sorry," She murmured. "Carlisle has tried to help me access those memories, but I think they're gone for good."

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

"Don't be. It's most likely a good thing I can't remember. Maybe one day I'll go back and look for records, but for now, I'm content."

I didn't want to ask her anything about my memory in case she was still sensitive, but she seemed to have caught my intentions anyway. "Did you remember something?" She asked, finishing off a braid.

"I think so,"

"That's great Bella! What was it?"

"It was my mom, at home in Pheonix."

"Oh Bella," Alice hugs me from behind, and I hold onto her arm.

"Edward was playing some song on the piano downstairs, and it felt like I was at home again with Renee, and she was humming to that same song that Edward was playing." I could feel my voice start to choke with invisible tears, and Alice hugged me tighter. "And she was so beautiful, Alice. She was dancing and cleaning and humming and alive." I took a long, deep breath. "And then it was gone. The memory just…ended."

Alice kissed the back of my head. "It's a start, Bella. That's all you needed, a start. I'm so happy for you." She laughed against my hair, and I looked up at her. She kissed my forehead, and I felt the warmth I desperately craved yesterday after that memory left me. She moved my head upright again and began another braid.

"In no time, you'll have your memories back."

EDWARD

"Thank you Arlene, it was nice to meet you," Esme said, waving off the older woman who helped us with our minimal groceries and supplies. I immediately jumped into the driver's seat, trying to close myself off from the woman's crude thoughts. Nice to meet you indeed, her thoughts trailed into my mind. I shuddered as I started the engine, drumming my fingers against the wheel impatiently as Esme took her time getting in. As soon as she was buckled in and the older woman far enough away from the car to avoid getting hit, I peeled out of the parking lot, tires squealing on the road.

"Edward!"

"Sorry," I murmured, not sorry in the slightest. Esme made a noise at my behavior but thankfully said nothing more.

"Take your time on the road," She said. I turned my head, surprised. I acquiesce, slowing down on the road to the speed limit. "I wanted to speak to you while we have some privacy."

"Is everything alright?"

Esme laughed. "Yes, everything's fine. I just wanted to speak freely with you about Bella." She was blocking her mind from me, and the wheels in my head were starting to turn on what she may ask me or had heard from Alice.

"Oh," I said cautiously. "What about Bella?"

"How do you think she's adjusting so far?"

"Well…she has her ups and downs. Nothing new for a newborn."

"No outbursts recently?"

"Not in the past few days." Bella had mostly come down from her initial grief, but she was still prone to tantrums every so often. She was a considerate newborn though and took her tantrums outside to scream and rage in the snow so she wouldn't break any of Esme's furniture. Her last outburst had been a few days ago, arriving with no warning and resulting in the premature death of a tree at the edge of the woods.

Esme nodded, bringing up the mental image of holding Bella afterward. "She's doing well."

"A little too well?"

"I don't want to jinx it," Esme said thoughtfully. "Yes, she has her tantrums, but who didn't? But where is her thirst, Edward?"

I wish I had a definitive answer. We were exhausting theories about Bella's control over her bloodlust. Emmett thought it may be her power starting to manifest when we last spoke on the phone. Jasper and Rosalie were of the mind that she just had a different level of 'being full' than we did.

"Emmett thinks it's a power."

"No doubt it'll become a power as she matures, but I wouldn't think of it as equal to Alice or yours, not even Jasper's."

I started to relax, letting my back rest against the seat and settled in for the drive. She doesn't know what I told Alice. "It might not be as powerful as our powers, but it's still something. What do you think it is?"

Esme sighed, settling against the seat as the sun hit her face, her alabaster skin shining like diamonds. I loosened the visor and turned it towards her so I could see clearly on the road. While my reflexes were incredible, I was still prone to distraction.

"I just think she's like Carlisle. The control they have over themselves…it's a wonder."

"Do you think it's that simple?" I asked.

"Occam's razor," She murmured.

"What does Carlisle think?"

"He agrees. He thinks his thirst was worse than hers in the first couple of months, but you know his level of control has always been leagues ahead of us. We just can't comprehend it. Carlisle has never had a human in his lifetime. Bella may very well rival him."

Silence overtook us as we digested the conversation. An ugly voice whispered ugly jealous things about Bella's self-control, but I quickly beat it back. Whatever I had done in my past was my own doing, I wouldn't blame it on Bella.

"She was watching us yesterday." Esme murmured. In Esme's mind, I saw Bella peeking through the hinges of the door to the study, her deep blood eyes watching me as I played the piano. The sound of her breath hitching when she saw me sing with Esme was intoxicating, and I stole Esme's memory for my own. We started to enter a shaded area away from the Sun's rays, and I put the visor away, only to be greeted by a knowing look from Esme.

She knows.

"There's no law against enjoying music," I start.

"None at all. In fact, I encourage it." She said, pointed. I said nothing, trying not to incriminate myself further. A cold hand pressed against my shoulder then, and I sighed. We were close to the house, but I pulled over to the side of the road, putting the car in park. We were silent except for the gentle hum of the radio.

"Is there something between you and Bella?" Esme asked. I glanced at her, and her eyes looked so kind and bright as she waited for my answer.

"I don't know," I answered finally. "Sometimes it feels like it." I closed my eyes, and rested my head on the wheel, wishing I could be swallowed up by the earth and all her dirt.

"Oh Edward," Esme murmured. She unclicked her seat belt, and I felt her arms snake around my waist as best she could in our positions. She rested her head on my shoulder, holding away.

"Oh god," It was starting to genuinely hit me. Esme shushed me, stroking the back of my head. Her fingers stroked through my hair, pulling out whatever tangles she might have come across.

"Does she feel the same way?"

A bitter laugh escaped me. "I doubt that."

"You don't know that."

"All I know is that she just lost her entire family, her whole life and everything she's ever known. It's inappropriate of me to even think about it."

Silence filled the car again. Esme's hand left my hair and sat straight. I peeked an eye out at her, and her surprisingly stoic face. Esme always wore her heart out on her sleeve. I took in a false breath and sat up as well.

"Did you know that's what Carlisle said to me when we were falling in love?"

"No," I said, surprised. "I didn't."

She chuckled. "You two were made from the same cloth." She reached for my hand and held it tight. "The point is, I lost my family, my life and everything I've ever known. I held my son in my hands when I died, and wanted nothing more than to die as well. Carlisle saved me, and nurtured me and guided me through this new life, expecting nothing in return. So did Rosalie and Emmett, and Alice and Jasper. Even you, Edward. You and Bella have had a connection since the first day you met. You don't notice it, but whenever Bella enters a room she looks for you.

I exhaled harshly, not entirely believing Esme. Esme's cold hands rubbed my arms. "It doesn't have to be at vampire speed," She soothed. "Love is best taken slow."

Esme closed the trunk of the Volvo for me as I carried out the groceries, the garage door still closing. Alice was giggling about something from the living room and Bella's soft voice murmuring. Esme looked at me closely, raising an eyebrow as she opened the door for me. I sucked on my lower lip, trying to remain nonchalant.

"Those groceries stink!" Alice yelled as we walked in. Bella sat on the floor in front of her, trying to suppress her laugh. I could hear the giggle rumbling in her throat. Alice was finishing some complicated braids in Bella's hair, with three small braids on each side of her temple, tied back and exposing her widow's peak. The rest of her hair flowed around her. The hairstyle exposed the hinge of her jaw, jutting out when she smiled. Hiding, I threw the groceries into the fridge, pretending to set them right.

"Do you guys want to watch a movie? I can get the projector." Alice asked.

"That sounds fun," Esme murmured.

"Yeah," Bella agreed.

"Edward?" Alice asked. It wasn't a request. I stood tall and closed the fridge, nodding. Alice got up and ran for the projector, returning in five seconds with at least ten movies in her hand. She handed them to Bella, who turned each one over and read the summary diligently.

Sit in the middle of the couch near the fireplace. Alice thought.

I shook my head. Did she have to interject at every moment?

"Let's do this one," Bella murmured, handing it off to Esme. "I've never seen it before." She stood up and stretched, her midriff showing slightly. I looked toward the ground as I walked into the living room. Alice maneuvered Bella at the far end of the couch next to the fireplace as Esme set up the projector. I went over to the window, reaching for the rod that would pull down the curtain used for our projection backdrop.

"Here, let me get the fire crackling." Alice murmured. Sit next to Bella, Edward.

"Edward, can you make the curtain drop just a little lower?" Esme asked. I obliged her, ignoring Alice's commands. I shook my head as I felt her eyes dig into my back. The fire roared, and Alice poked at the flames, stoking the waves of heat. "That's enough," Esme called.

I turned, my job done to see Alice glancing at me. She gestured towards Bella, whose feet were wrapped into her side. I didn't want to hear more from Alice, and because I actually did want to be near her, I approached Bella.

"May I sit next to you?" I murmured. Bella's gaze found mine, and she smiled, nodding.

My god, Edward. What's with the formality? Alice thought.

Oh my god, it's actually happening. Esme screamed in her head. I gave both of them an exasperated look. It felt like I was suddenly thirteen, and they were both dropping me off at the movie theater for a date. I tried to ignore them and motioned for them to stop staring, lest Bella catches them being obvious. I suppose that was one good thing. While the world I knew crashed around me and my burgeoning feelings, Bella was oblivious to it all.

As the movie started, I tried to relax and keep up with the plotline but my mind was buzzing with energy. Alice was pointedly looking at the movie, singing my least favorite song in her head. Esme was fidgeting, barely looking. Her eyes kept glancing back and forth between Bella and me as if we'd run off and elope right that second. I tried to sort through what Esme was thinking, finding her going through the memory as we both walked in. Bella had looked up from her spot on the floor when we walked in, trying to find us. Or me, if Esme was correct.

I sighed. We were an hour into the movie, and paying attention now seemed like a long-gone effort. Bella adjusted herself then, her hand suddenly next to mine. Surprise shot through me.

She was warm.

Bella had been absorbing the heat from the fireplace. I quickly glanced at the fire, blazing within the contained space. She was breathing slowly, her eyes intent on the screen.

Did she feel what I felt? Or is it all in my head? Was I overthinking this? I felt so confused that I was starting to feel sick. It felt like we were back in Forks again, sitting in biology next to each other as I felt the warmth emitting off of her. I had gotten used to the cold all these years, and here she sat, a warm den in a deep, snow-covered forest that I had been lost in for years. My heart started to ache, and I closed my eyes, exhaling. One thought ran through me, over and over and over again.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

AN: This chapter doesn't feel like much to me in all honesty, but I thank you for reading anyways. Please consider leaving a review, they are greatly appreciated :)