"Your eyes are white."
"What?" Startled, Vanya raises her eyes from the mug of coffee Grace had pushed into her hands- she doesn't know how long ago. In her defense, there's a lot happening right now.
Her brother's eyes are a deep, dark brown. They bore into her own and seem so very sharp.
Vanya does not look away. Five's lips quirk at the edges.
"Your eyes are white. That's new."
He steals her coffee. She lets him. "Are they?"
When she looks around at him, Klaus nods rapidly. He looks a little like a bobble-head. "Yep."
"Well," Vanya shrugs. "I'm trying something new."
"If we could get back to the point."
No matter how often her memories threaten to overwhelm her, no matter how many breathing exercises Allison has taught her or how many times she's been to see a fucking therapist in her not all that long life, her father's voice never fails to send a chill right to Vanya's heart.
Vanya had only ever had one panic attack in the time since her family began piecing itself back together. As she shudders, the weight of her father's unseen gaze on her shoulders, she can distinctly remember how her breath shortened, how her fingers became claws, how her heartbeat seemed both too loud and too far away.
She'd fallen to her knees beside her violin stand, gasping. Her sight had been getting spotty and the fear clouded her mind so much that she didn't even know she'd been making her music sheets float until they fell around her like snow.
Allison's hands had been so soft when they closed over hers. Vanya had clutched at her sister like a lifeline. Allison had let her. She'd tried to get her breath, failed, tried again. She'd tried and tried and thought she was going to pass out and then tried again. Finally, oxygen got passed the blockade in her throat by sheer force of will. When Vanya had come back to herself, her sister was rocking them both gently; she'd been stroking Vanya's hair away from her face with sure fingers but the tremble in her voice told Vanya she wasn't even close to as calm as she appeared. Vanya could relate.
"I'm okay now," Vanya had said. She pushed away from Allison and almost instantly missed her warmth. Allison had refused to let go of her hand. Vanya felt equal parts annoyed and touched."I'm okay, really. I just- it's a lot, sometimes. Every- everything is so- loud, these days. You know. Without my pills."
She remembers the exact placement of the wrinkle in Allison's brow. "Do you think you went off them too fast? I've heard it can mess with you, if you've been on them for so long."
Vanya had shrugged. "Probably wasn't the best idea. But I just have to be someone Dad didn't make me be, you know?"
The last of her papers had dropped around them at that point, and she'd smiled furtively. "Guess that worked out better than I thought, huh?"
Allison had taken a deep, deep breath and looked her in the eyes. She hadn't mentioned anything about them being white.
"Number Seven."
Vanya jumps, coming back to herself. The rain continues to pound down, wind howling against the house. She wonders where Diego and Allison and Luther are. It's so strange to be alone in such a large house.
"If you could pay attention, we have much to discuss."
Well. Not all alone.
"I don't know what you could mean by that, Father," Klaus chirps. He's bedraggled and tense, the line of his shoulders rigid under the waterlogged feathers of his jacket. Still, he gestures around the kitchen table, pretending at his usually natural bravado. "I can't see anything wrong with this picture."
"So the idiotic sarcasm is still a thing," Five mutters into Vanya's coffee. "That's a relief."
"You learn to find it charming." Vanya murmurs in return and something about it makes Five shoot her a smirk. She smiles back and feels some of the ice that had cloaked her at their father's entrance start to thaw. The white haze leaves her vision after a long moment and she blinks, a little disoriented.
Sir Reginald's cane strikes the ground with such a resounding thump Vanya jumps again, fear like an electric jolt to her veins. It stings somewhere deep to know he can still affect her like this.
I'm not who I used to be, damn it. Chin up.
"Enough. "
And like toy soldiers, they fall in line. Vanya feels her jaw snap shut so fast she nearly bites her own tongue off. Klaus's expression tells her he's not in a much better spot. Five just looks angry, but from what Vanya can remember, that's pretty normal; he's a lot like Diego in that regard.
"What exactly did you think you were doing out there, Number Seven?"
"Out-" She starts. For the first time, Vanya is able to raise her eyes to his and Reginald's face is so familiar, so haunting, she nearly vomits. "Sorry- out where?"
"Playing hero is a good way to get civilians killed. I would think you'd understand that by now."
And the pounding of her heart is getting louder again and her hands are turning to claws where she's squeezing them together in her lap and she's thirteen again, Five sitting beside her with his head down, trying not to look at her as their father reminds her how worthless she is.
I am not who I was.
She fights to impulse to apologize again when he levers a glare over his spectacles at her. In the background, their mother hums quietly at the sink. She doesn't know where Pogo is. When Vanya speaks, her voice sounds young even to her own ears. "I'm not trying to be a hero-"
Reginald Hargreeves's eyes widen slightly and Vanya suddenly recalls she's never once spoken back to him. They all had at least once, even Luther. All but her.
All but the ordinary one.
Her protests- her defense- crumbles to dust in her mouth when his lips thin to a tight line and she can see his knuckles whitened on the head of his cane. Grace pauses in her humming, stock-still with her back to them, head tilted just a little. The air is tense, thick enough to cut with a butter knife. Instinctively, Vanya lowers her eyes, shying away from her inevitable punishment. Their father had never hurt them- at least not in the traditional sense- but there was always a first for everything.
"Uh, hello," Klaus suddenly interjects. He flails his hands in Five's direction and adds, "not to derail the conversation or whatever, but Five is literally back from the dead, do we not wanna focus on that right now?"
"I do feel a little left out," Five says. His tone is blithe but there's an undercurrent there of something so dark she raises her gaze to his face. Her brother- he's so young - is staring at their father with an expression Vanya isn't sure she'll ever understand. It's sharp and cold and almost alien.
What happened to you?
It's only when Five looks at her and his face softens that Vanya realizes she said that out loud. She doesn't dare glance at her father for support in her inquiry; no doubt he's pissed at her for changing the subject in the middle of her tongue-lashing.
"I time traveled," Five ignores Klaus's scoff of "well, duh ," and sips his commandeered drink. Vanya swallows and the acrid taste of the coffee burns the back of her hasn't drunk the stuff in a while- it's not good for anxiety, or so Luther claims- and she's gotten unused to the bitterness. Maybe she's better off staying away from it.
"And where did you go?" Reginald seems to have moved on for the time being and Vanya tentatively releases her shoulders from up around her ears.
The others will be here soon. They'll be here soon.
She's not sure how that will make the situation better, exactly, but it can't get much worse. If nothing else Diego might just drag her bodily from the house. She certainly wouldn't fight him.
Klaus and Diego's warnings ring in her head. Allison had asked what containment meant. Her thoughts swirl in a confusing dance but Vanya clenches her eyes shut and focuses on her brother's answer.
"I went to the end of the world."
The silence rings.
"But you said someone stopped it." Vanya's not brave enough to open her eyes yet but she can tell Klaus is wringing his hands. She can still see his imprint on her eyelids, the way he perches in his chair like some overly large bird, leaning away from their father at the head of the table. He'd sat across from Vanya, most likely in an attempt to make Five take the chair next to hers in some misguided attempt at protection or comfort. Not that that had done him any good, since Five had simply slipped into the chair across from their father at the foot of the table- too confrontational not to look him dead in the eye- and Vanya was left alone and isolated across from Klaus. "In the yard, you asked who stopped the apocalypse-"
"How would you know the apocalypse really was stopped?"
Open your eyes. You can't hide forever.
Five meets Reginald's glare head-on and Vanya has never felt more respect for someone in her life.
"I found a book."
"A book?" Vanya finally asks, unable to keep her silence.
Five nods. "Your book, actually."
"You wrote a book?"
"I wrote a book?"
"You will write a book, " Five corrects, looking decidedly more put-upon than he really has the right to be. "Or, I guess, you would have written a book. I don't think you will anymore. Surprise."
"Okay, I'm confused. Is anyone else confused? Mom?"
"Whatever you like, dear."
"I'm confused," Vanya volunteers. She can't help but wonder why their father hasn't spoken up by now but she's too much of a coward to turn her head to check his expression.
"At the end of the world, you know what I found?" Five looks around at them all.
"Nothing."
Five nods at Reginald. "Nothing. There was no one left but me and I couldn't get back. Guess you were right about that one, old man."
Vanya winces but Reginald does not rise to the bait. "Evidently."
"But I did find this book- your book, Vanya. It was an autobiography."
"Why would I write an autobiography? I'm-"
Just ordinary.
Vanya shakes her head and tries not to look too closely at the fact that the voice in her head sounds like Leonard.
"You told the world about the Umbrella Academy," Five says, and when Vanya whips her eyes up, horrified, he's looking at their father. His smirk is wider than she remembers. "Pretty scathing stuff, actually. It was good."
Klaus jerks in his seat. He won't meet Vanya's eyes.
This is all- it's too much. She's panicking and overtired and she got assaulted not more than an hour ago and her brother is back from the dead. Vanya leans halfway across the kitchen table, reaches for Klaus. "Klaus, I didn't- I wouldn't-"
The lines around his eyes crinkle uncertainly- and then release. His hands are cold and Vanya sags with some type of relief.
"You won't."
When she sits up, Vanya feels a little better. She still avoids looking at her father but her panic is suppressed, at least for now. Her bones are aching, her head pounds. She's so tired.
Come to think of it, Five and Klaus don't look much better.
"I won't?"
"The book disappeared."
"You cannot base your assumption that the world does not end on something as silly as a misplaced book, Number Five."
When Five speaks, it's easy to hear his gritted teeth. "I took the book with me when I- I went looking for a way to stop the apocalypse. I wrote my equations in it, theories on how to get back here- but last week, I opened it and the pages were blank."
There's a beat. Klaus shrugs, letting go of Vanya's hand to drag his own over his eyes. "I don't get it."
"They were disappearing," Five explains impatiently. He looks like he's running out of steam though, bending lower and lower over his mug. He's slurring. Klaus isn't much better and Vanya wonders how long it's been since any of them slept. "The pages were dissipating right in front of my eyes, like they never existed in the first place. Then the whole thing just up and vanished. I was lucky enough to have memorized the sequences I needed to get back here."
"So because something you took from the apocalypse vanished," Vanya says slowly. She has to interrupt herself with a yawn. "You think that the world won't end?"
"What about the rest of every- everything," Klaus slurs. When he waves his hand, it's limply. "Like, everything else in the world? Was it all, like, normal again?"
"I couldn't tell you," Five says. Vanya can see he's blinking hard now, trying not to drop face first into his coffee. "I wasn't… there. But if the book disappeared, the...reality it was in disappeared too..so, no end of the world. And I...have no idea how it…"
His head makes a tiny thunk when it hits the table. Klaus tries to stand, reaching over to shake their brother awake, but he ends up flipping his own mug off the table by accident. Coffee splatter across the tiles and Grace tuts goodnaturedly.
"Careful dear," she admonishes with characteristic gentleness. She turns and steps neatly over the mess, pressing Klaus back into his chair insistently. "You need to sit down before you hurt yourself. The dosage may be a smidge too high for you."
Vanya doesn't know when her legs turned to jelly, but when she tries to stand they immediately betray her. She falls back into her seat as the panic tries to rise in her chest. But her eyes are so heavy .
A cold, familiar hand clamps down on her shoulder. As her vision blurs, Vanya's last sight in her father's stern, disappointed face.
"The drug was only ever meant for you, Number Seven." His voice is muffled in her ears, only just louder than Klaus's squawking protests somewhere very far away. "You shouldn't have put others at risk for your own selfish desire to play the hero. When will you learn?"
Vanya's eyes slip closed and she can almost pretend it's Allison's calming hands on her instead.