I sobbed into my pillow as I thought of my family and I missed them so much it hurt. I thought of Daryl and I longed to be back at our home in Alexandria cooking dinner together. I wished I could see his face again. I thought of Rick and Michonne and how safe they always made me feel. I thought of Carl and Maggie….Glenn and Abraham. And I was ashamed of myself for helping this man who had hurt them, who had hurt us so much. If they could see me now, would they be ashamed of me too?

I touched my fingers to my traitorous lips, furious with myself for being so stupid. How could I have believed there was something more to him? How could I have allowed myself to start to have feelings for this monster?

Negan's face flashed through my mind, the way his face fell when I told him off. Seeing tears fall down his face made me feel pangs of guilt and sadness. There was a part of me who wanted to run right into the arms of the man who ruined my life. And I was so ashamed.

There was a knock at the door and rage ignited in my body as I imagined Negan standing on the other side of it. "Go away!"

"Belle? It's me, Sherry," her soft voice came from the other side of the door. "Are you alright? I saw you run inside. Please let me in."

I really didn't need another episode of the Negan is Really Just Misunderstood Hour. "Sherry, I'm not really up for company tonight. I'm sorry."

"Please, Belle," she pleaded. "Let me come in for just a moment. Please."

I sighed before getting up and opening the door but returning to my bed, hugging my pillow to my body. "I'm guessing he sent you."

"No, he didn't." She sat down beside me on the bed and put an arm around me. "I swear. I just saw you run in upset and I wanted to check on you."

"I have been kidding myself, Sherry." I openly wept right into her shoulder, craving the comfort of a friend. "That man is a monster! He killed Glenn and Abraham. He took me prisoner! And here I am spending time with him and having feelings for him! I'm so ashamed of myself. I don't know what I'm doing!"

"Belle, there's something you should know," she said gently.

"Let me guess!" I snapped. "He's not what I think."

"Belle, I get it. You have every right to be hurt, angry. You have every right to not ever forgive him and no-one could ever blame you." She looked at me so sincerely. "But you need to know that he wasn't always this guy. Soon after the turn, Dwight, Simon and I were part of a larger group with Negan and his wife Lucille. Negan was the leader and a good one at that. He was fair and he protected us. But a couple of the guys didn't want to play fair. They saw the amount of supplies we had and they saw an opportunity to take them. Negan was gone on a run and Dwight and I were left with Sherry to keep an eye on the camp. But Dwight and I wanted to step away for a moment….we left Lucille there alone. And these two men, they killed her. They bashed her head in with a baseball bat until there was nothing left and the stole everything we had."

I blinked back tears, only this time they weren't for my pain but for his.

"Lucille was his whole world. When that happened, something inside him snapped. He hardened. He pulled away completely. He blamed us and he had every right to. By the time we found the Sanctuary he had become this person we didn't recognize. He was so angry and he was scared. He would go to these communities and threaten them. He felt if he intimidated them first he could prevent something like that from happening ever again. So, he would go to these groups and he would always take at least one or two and bring them back as prisoners and integrate them into the community here. But anytime he went back to the communities he would act as if he had killed them to incite fear. He wanted everyone to fear him so they would never cross him. He never actually killed anyone until…well….."

I didn't know what to say. I had so many feelings and I couldn't process them. But I did still have one question. "You're one of his wives….why?"

"He was angry with Dwight and me and I think he wanted us to hurt the way he hurt. He threatened to exile Dwight if I didn't agree. I think he wanted to make us to feel the way he felt when he lost Lucille." Her own eyes started to tear up. "I know how the whole wives thing sounds but it's not what you think. It's more for appearances. He wants to be seen as this masculine, emotionless, dangerous force. He's never laid a hand on any of us. Never. He requires us to do some cleaning and helping him keep the Sanctuary running smoothly. But mostly, he wants companionship. He's so lonely and I know he misses Lucille. And he talks to us. Usually its about absolutely nothing or about things going on here. But every once in a while, when he's had a couple of drinks, he talks about much he misses Lucille. Eventually he stopped asking us to come around as much because I think he realized nothing would ever take away the hurt he felt. That there wasn't anyone who would ever fill that void. But then you came along."

I looked at her questioningly. "What?"

"Belle, none of us have seen him like this since…..since Lucille." She grabbed my hand. "I know this is hard for you to hear and I don't expect you to do anything about it, but you need to know he cares about you. What you've seen these last several days…..that's the man Negan used to be. You brought him back to life. It's like he was under some evil spell and you came along and showed him this kindness and grace and you broke it."

I still felt angry at him, but my rage was waning. In its place was sympathy. I thought about the Savior outpost we had taken out and what a threat that had to have been. He'd felt he had to do what he did to protect his people. He didn't know there were still good people out there. He didn't know. How many times had they had to make snap judgments about people to protect themselves?

"I'll leave you to rest now." Sherry squeezed my hand before getting up from the bed and moving towards the door. "But I just….I felt you needed to know."

"You really care about him." I wiped at the wetness that had made its way down my face.

"We all do." She smiled sadly. "We won't make excuses for the bad, but we'll always love him for the good. He's our family."

I nodded in reply because I knew that feeling all too well. With a small wave, she let herself out of my room, closing the door behind her. I took a deep breath and gripped the edge of the mattress with my fingers as I realized what I had to do. And before I could even make peace with it, my feet were already carrying me to the West Hall.

You're a sad, lonely, pathetic excuse of a man. Her words echoed through my fucking mind, ripping me apart all over again. You're a monster, Negan. A beast. Leave me alone. She was right. I am a monster. I placed the copy of Romeo and Juliet down on the coffee table and sat down on the couch, dropping my head into my hands. Who was I fucking fooling? I would always be a monster. I would always be a worthless piece of shit. I was out of my goddamn mind to think anyone could ever love me again. Least of all her.

It fucking tore me apart to know how much I'd hurt her. To see her face filled with pain and to know I was the fucking cause. Her tears were because of me. And knowing there was nothing I could ever fucking do to make up for it killed me. I hadn't cried once since Lucille died. Until now. I wiped at the dampness under my eyes with the pads of my fingers. It had been impossible not to fucking care about Belle. She came in here and was so selfless and kind….Getting to know her as we read each day had been fucking magic. She was beautiful but it was her laugh and the way she looked at the world that made me fall in love with her. Love. Fuck. Who the fuck was I kidding, indeed.

There was a knock on the door. "Not now, Simon!" There was silence for a second before the knocking continued. I stormed to the door, flinging it open and there she was. Even with her tear stained face, she was the most beautiful goddamn sight I'd ever seen. "Belle…."

"I talked to Sherry," she said simply.

"You did." It was a statement, not a question. Sherry had every fucking reason to hate me too. "So, you know your assessment of me was correct then."

Tears streamed down her face and I wanted more than fucking anything in the goddamn world to hold her. "No. It wasn't."

Shock registered on my face and I turned away, not wanting her to fucking see through me. She didn't need to think anything but the truth and the truth was, I was a monster. "You were right the first time, Beauty. I'm a fucking beast."

"No," her soft voice came from behind me. "You're not."

"Yes I fucking am!" I whirled on her, my goddamn face betraying me as tears escaped my eyes. "Get out!" But she didn't move. "Get the fuck out, Belle! Now! Get out!"

"Don't," she whispered, cautiously stepping closer to me. "Don't push me away. Please." She reached out and placed her gentle hand on my chest and I was lost.

I pulled her into my arms and kissed the top of her head, my fingers tangling in her chestnut hair. "I'm so sorry, Belle. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry." She cried into my chest, her arms encircled around my waist. It felt so fuckin' good to hold her. And that same feeling she had ignited in me before still lingered: hope. I thought back to what Doc told me. Even if she never chooses to be with you. Even if you have to let her go. Be the man she deserves anyway. In this moment, I knew I would do anything to be that man. Even if that meant I had to let her go.

She pulled away from me just enough to look into my eyes. "Can we talk?"

The Alexandrians milled about the church, piling supplies and weapons up against the walls before they moved to take their seats in the pews. The citizens chattered amongst themselves nervously. They awaited their orders yet they knew that the majority of them would be heading out tonight to attack the Saviors. Finally, Rick, Michonne, Carl and Daryl filed in followed by Maggie and Sasha. They made their way to the front of the church, standing facing the crowd before them. The entire group's eyes widened with shock to see that Maggie and Sasha had returned.

Just when it seemed like Rick was about to call the meeting to order, dozens more people all unrecognizable filtered into the church taking the last few remaining seats. The remainder of them stood near the back or propped themselves to the side so they were quietly facing the front.

Rick stepped forward as the room fell into a deafening silence. "Thank you all for meeting us here so quickly. I know this seems like a sudden choice, but the truth is, we've been waiting for the perfect moment to strike the Saviors and we think we've found it. As you can see, Maggie and Sasha returned home to fight with us and they've brought a few friends from Hilltop to stand with us."

"But that's not why we are heading out immediately," Maggie spoke up. "The reason we are leaving right away is because we know that many of the Saviors are out on a run. We spotted them a couple miles back on our way to Alexandria. But they didn't spot us."

"This gives us an advantage," Michonne added, addressing the concerned members of the town. "That means there will be less of them and it's more likely their best people are out on the run. We'll have a greater chance of getting Belle back this way."

"What if we run into the Saviors out on the run?" A voice came from the back of the room.

"It's unlikely we will," Sasha answered. "It appeared we were going in different directions. But even if we were to run into them, we outnumber them by dozens. They won't stand a chance."

"Our priority is getting Belle back and killing Negan," Daryl's usually low growl had raised in volume so the entire congregation could hear him. "We don't want to have to kill everyone, but we will take out anyone who tries to stop us."

"And we give the rest of them the chance to decide if they want to seek asylum with us," Rick said giving them all a look as if he dared anyone to speak against him. "We know there's likely a lot of people there that are prisoners that weren't given a choice. They'll get one now."

As Rick filled everyone in on their plan of attack, Daryl's gaze flitted about the room. He studied their faces, scanning the room quietly, noticing the absence of only one Alexandrian. Spencer Monroe. He eyes landed on those of Spencer's sidekick Eugene only to find that he immediately cowered down in the pew three rows back. "Where is Spencer?"

Rick stopped mid-sentence and looked from where Daryl to where his gaze stayed locked on Eugene. "What?"

"Spencer's the only one in the entire city who ain't here," Daryl stated, staring down Eugene.

"Eugene?" Rick took a few steps closer to the group. "Where is Spencer?"

"Well, I, don't know why you would assume I would know anything," Eugene stuttered.

"Because there's never a second that he's far out of your sight," Michonne replied evenly, and she, Carl, Maggie and Sasha moved so they were flanking the isles so that there would be no escape for Eugene even if he tried.

"You know something," Daryl said matter of factly. "And you're gonna tell us right now or we'll beat it out of you." He moved to climb over the pew but Eugene cried out, throwing his hands up in protection.

"He went to find Belle!" Eugene peeked through his fingers to see if Daryl was still coming for him, but was relieved to find Daryl as well as everyone else staring back at him, confused. "He left an hour ago. He said he already knew you all would never do the job right. No offense. Please don't shoot the messenger. So he went to do it himself."

"Shit," Daryl cursed, throwing his hands up before adjusting his crossbow on his back. "He's going to get Belle killed!" With that, he took off, pushing through the doors of the church leaving the rest of them staring after him.

"How long ago did he leave?" Rick demanded, his eyes boring into Eugene's.

Half an hour ago," Eugene said quietly. "Ish. A half hour- ish."

"An ish?" Michonne questioned, her temper flaring. "Was it an ish or was it a damn half hour ago?"

"It was thirty minutes," Eugene squeaked.

Rick raked his hands over his face and back through his hair. "We don't have much time. I need everyone to listen to me so you know who to report to."

"But Daryl-" Maggie began, but Rick cut her off.

"Will be fine," Rick said firmly. "He's smart. Let him go. We'll catch up. But we've got to move fast."

I sat on the sofa beside Negan, facing him and holding his hand as he recounted the events that happened with his wife Lucille. He wiped at the tears that fell from his eyes. "I shouldn't have fucking left her. I knew those guys were fucking up to no good. I knew they were fucking trouble, but I never thought….." He ran his other hand down his face wiping at the dampness under his eyes.

"Negan…I…" I squeezed his hand, a minuscule gesture compared with the enormity of the sadness I felt for him.

"She was pregnant, Belle," Negan sobbed. "She was fucking pregnant." His entire chest heaved with emotion and for a moment, I froze. The final piece missing in the puzzle of Negan was finally irrevocably in place. I moved my hand to touch his face and for a moment he leaned into my palm before engulfing me in his arms, weeping into my hair.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered as I held him back just as fiercely as he held onto me. The air felt heavy with the weight of his confessions. I knew his grief well because I knew there would not come a day that I didn't miss Glenn and Abraham. Their losses would be felt by all of us for the rest of our lives. But I knew that there was no punishment I could place upon Negan that would be worse than the torture his mind was putting him through.

"I should have fucking knew better than to ever trust Phillip Blake and goddamn Merle Dixon," he cried out in frustration. "I fucking knew it!"

My blood turned to ice water, prickling painfully through my veins. Merle Dixon? No…..It couldn't be. We had lost track of Merle after Rick chained him to a roof for starting trouble back in Atlanta. When Rick, Daryl and a few of the others came back for him they found nothing but his hand that he had sawed off in order to free himself. It couldn't be…. "What….." I pulled away so that I could see his grief-stricken face.

"It was Merle who did it! He fucking killed her!" Negan squeezed his eyes shut for a moment as if he could shut the memory out of his mind if he closed his eyes tight enough. "Even with one fucking hand…"

My heart was beating out of my chest. Merle Dixon, Daryl's brother, was responsible for the death of Lucille. This entire chain reaction had been set off by Merle. He had been one of us. "Negan, I'm so sorry," I blurted, my emotions ripping through me. "Oh God I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fau-"

"Merle was Daryl's brother," I sobbed. "He was in our group when this all started. Merle Dixon was one of us. Then he set out on his own. Negan, I'm so sorry."

Shock registered on Negan's face as my words sank in. His face contorted in rage for a moment before settling into a resigned sorrow. He gripped my shoulders, his eyes pleading. "I need you to know something, Belle. I made a mistake. I shouldn't have fucking done what I did to your people. I know that now. But you have to understand that the last time I let my fucking guard down, Lucille and our baby died. I never should have fucking trusted Merle. And I didn't know those fucking assholes went rogue and threatened your people. I never would have fucking stood for that. I saw dead fucking saviors and I saw the past fucking repeating itself. I couldn't let harm come to these people. To fucking Simon. To Sherry, Dwight, Arat, Mrs P and little Chip. I fucking did what I thought was best and it was the wrong fucking call and I'll never fucking forgive myself for it. You've gotta believe me, Belle. I'd give my fucking life to take it all back for you. I'd change it if I could."

I felt the tears slipping down my cheeks as I looked into his heartbroken hazel eyes. "You can't," I cried softly. "You can't change it. You can't take it back." His face fell as he choked out a sob. I caressed his face gently, guiding his eyes back to mine. "But you can change it going forward. We can't let people like Merle Dixon win. The way you go forward from this is making sure that what happened to Glenn, to Abraham….to Lucille never happens again. You've got to be the one to to change the future here."

"I will," he promised as he gazed into my eyes. "Starting with you."

"What do you mean?"

"I never meant for you to be a fucking prisoner here." His voice was full of emotion as he cupped my face in his hands. "I don't fucking want that. I don't want you to be afraid of me ever again and I don't want to cause another goddamn day of unhappiness in your life. You're free to go."

I blinked slowly as my eyes flashed down to his shoulder where beneath his t shirt and leather jacket, his body was still healing. "But you need me here to help you. Your wounds…they're still healing."

"Beauty," he said, taking my hand and placing it on his chest over his heart. "You've healed my biggest fucking wound right here. I'd be lying if I said I wanted to live one more goddamn day without you in my life, but you've got a life to get back to. You've got a fucking family."

"Negan…." I felt my lip quiver at the thought of leaving him. If you had told me when I first arrived at the Sanctuary that I would grow to care so much for this man, I would have thought you were crazy. Because how could someone who once held my nightmares now hold my hope for a future?

"I don't want you to fucking worry about me, beauty." He took my hands in his and kissed them.

"Of course I'm going to worry about you." My voice was a hoarse whisper. "I'll come back for you. I'll tell everyone what happened. We'll find a way for the communities to work together. And I'll come back for you."

"We both know your family won't support that, beauty." He pressed his forehead to mine. "If anything they'll come for me to try and kill me and I couldn't fucking blame them. I deserve it."

"I won't let them," I vowed, circling my arms around his neck. "They may never forgive for the losses we experienced but we can find a way to move forward. They won't hurt you."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because they wouldn't hurt me," I said, knowing that if I could just talk to Daryl, I could make him understand. Then we would talk to Rick and Michonne together. Nothing would ever bring Glenn and Abraham back for us anymore than it would bring back Lucille him. But we could have a future together somehow. Somehow we could coexist. We had to.

Negan's lip curved just slightly into a small smile. "That would hurt you?"

I nodded, as my hands tangled in his dark hair. With one swift movement, he lifted me up, pulling me onto his lap. My legs wrapped around him as my hands found their way to the salt and pepper scruff of his face. I settled into his arms, feeling his warmth all around me.

"I know you have to go back, but I want to have one more night with you." He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "Have dinner with me, beauty. But this time we're not eating in my room. I want to take you on a proper date."

"A date?" I couldn't help but to giggle. "Where will we go?"

"Well, I happen to be close personal friends with the best fucking chef at the Sanctuary," he said as he laced his fingers through mine. "Leave it to me, beauty. I'm going to give you the fucking date you deserve. What do you say?"

I pressed my lips together thoughtfully for a moment, pretending to consider his offer. Though I knew from the way my heart melted as his eyes crinkled up at me when he smiled what my answer would be. "Okay."