All the nights spent off our faces
Trying to find these perfect places

Gildarts was what Zeref liked to think of as a persistent drifter. They could go months without talking to each other and then, when he was needed, Gildarts was there again.

Gildarts must have thought he was needed quite a bit because Zeref couldn't look at his phone without seeing something from him. He was always asking how Natsu was doing, where he was, if he was getting high or not. Which forced Zeref to pay better attention to his brother. He determined Natsu was still tormented but he wasn't stoned. What more could you ask from a person?

Gildarts had a whole list of things and not all of them were achievable or even practical.

I think we should start pushing him toward college, Gildarts texted Zeref one day in late September. I sent him some pamphlets.

Zeref looked at his words and considered their meaning. If Natsu was in college, he wouldn't be there, rooting Zeref in reality, and giving him something to work on so he didn't come off the rails again.

And if he was in college, he could be better.

Talk to him about it, Gildarts suggested. He listens to you. As if Zeref knew right away that Gildarts was in the right and wouldn't consider ignoring him.

We can't afford college right now.

Gildarts had an answer primed. I've saved up a little money to get him started.

We can't take money from you, Zeref replied.

Think of it as a loan.

Natsu came out of the bathroom then, a towel around his waist. He'd put on some weight. That was good, he was looking sick for a while there.

Natsu stopped by the door to his room, looking into the living room at Zeref. "What's up?"

"Have you looked at the pamphlets Gildarts sent you?" It felt like someone grabbed his mouth and was making it move without his permission.

Natsu narrowed his eyes. "He's been talking to you?"

"Well?" Zeref asked.

Natsu rolled his eyes. "Has he told you what he's been sending me? Police Foundations and EMS courses."

Gildarts was a fool if he thought Natsu was ever going to be a cop. But the EMS course had merit. "You like helping people."

Natsu's expression turned guarded. "I can't help myself, Zeref, why the fuck would I help anyone else?"

That wasn't really Natsu speaking. "Just think about it."

"I liked it better when you guys didn't talk," Natsu called over his shoulder.

I did, too, Zeref thought. He lit a cigarette and stared at Gildarts' last text. He listens to you. Too well sometimes.

Is this how everything started falling apart? Zeref wondered. Was it you making all the bad decisions and Natsu chasing after you, thinking it was alright because you said it was?

A hot rod of hate wedged its way between his lungs and no matter what, he couldn't dislodge it.

October came in with relative peace. Ultear didn't really talk to him and Angel didn't seem to have much use for him either, not after Ultear tore her open for pressuring him with cocaine.

Zeref lost himself in watching people fill his apartment and party and even almost became okay with them sucking white powder off his coffee table while he sat on the sidelines. He made himself watch every time and when temptation became too much, he'd take his knife and jam the closed blade into his thigh for some healthy pain. He didn't need girls like Angel tempting him, and he didn't need to be saved by girls like Ultear.

He was looking at the bruise in the golden morning light when Natsu came into the small space they'd dubbed as the dining room. He flopped heavily in the chair opposite Zeref and picked at the coffee Zeref made for himself, touching the side of the cup to determine how hot it was and then taking a giant sip.

"There's more water in the kettle," Zeref offered.

Natsu just cradled the cup and looked at Zeref.

"What?" Zeref asked warily.

"Remember when we used to do Halloween?" Natsu surprised him by asking.

That was a long time ago, hiding behind barrels in the front yard of their parents' house and scaring neighbourhood kids. "What about it?"

Natsu lifted his shoulder and took another sip. The action was a little too casual. "We had fun, didn't we?"

"Sure," Zeref agreed.

"What if we do it again?"

"You want to have Halloween here?" Zeref raised his eyebrows.

"Why not? Mom and Dad don't care about it, so I haven't had one since you lived with them."

Neither had he. It didn't seem all that great when he didn't have Natsu there with him.

"We don't have costumes."

Natsu grinned his first grin in weeks and stood. He disappeared back into his bedroom. A moment later, he returned with a thing that looked like a burlap sack. He held it up. It was a scarecrow costume and it was ghoulish enough that for an instant, Zeref had chills.

"What do you think?"

"It's good," Zeref managed. It looked a lot like Wally had when Jellal pulled him out of the grave and stuck his head in a mini-fridge for Zeref to find.

You're crazy. It's fine, Zeref reminded himself. Wally is dead and this is a mask made to look like a campy villain from a campy TV show.

He held out his hand for it to prove to himself that it wouldn't feel like human skin, cold and slick. Natsu set it in his hand and the rough fabric was reassuring. Zeref put it over his head, feeling like he was wearing his fears. His heart, which had been beating much too fast, steadied and his breaths came deep.

Natsu's smile turned toothy. "Great. And afterward, you can come to the party."

Zeref pulled the sack off his head. "Which?"

Another too-casual shrug. Natsu was hiding something but Zeref couldn't figure out what, nor his motivation. "Just one at the old farm."

Zeref was familiar with the place he was talking about. It was a hotspot for parties with its abandoned barn and abandoned farmhouse. Someone, likely the neighbour's child, had run an extensive line of extension cords from the neighbouring house down the road and set up speakers and floodlights in the barn and battery-powered lanterns in the farmhouse. It used to be the classic oil-style lanterns but last year, a very drunk guy backed into one, knocked it over and almost set the whole house on fire.

Natsu watched Zeref with bated breath. Zeref couldn't suss out a malicious ulterior motive; he agreed.

Halloween day, Natsu brought home an armful of candy and two pumpkins, one large and misshapen, the other covered in green warts like a witch in old movies. Zeref carved the warty one into the best approximation of a nightmare and Natsu used his knife to make his pumpkin grin. It was so wide, it was menacing. They laughed and it was like nothing was wrong. Zeref wanted to hold onto it forever; in those hours, he didn't look at the place Wally had expired, and he didn't think about drugs.

They dressed around five. It was shocking and all wrong seeing Natsu in Gildarts' old police uniform. Almost like looking into a what could have been if their lives weren't so fucked up. He looked good, though.

"Here." Zeref dug out a pair of aviators from the kitchen drawer. They had a scratch on the rim of one lens and the arm needed to be bent back into shape. Natsu manipulated it until it worked and put them on.

"What do you think?"

"That you're in the wrong fucking house." Zeref put on his scarecrow mask to soften the words. He saw Natsu grinning at him through the eyeholes.

"Perfect. Let's go scare some kids."

Zeref kept a tally of the children he made cry. One little girl almost ran into traffic, she was so frightened. Her mother grabbed her arm and held her back from the curb, half smiling, half scowling. Fear was the point of Halloween, wasn't it?

Once the danger had passed, Natsu cackled about it. Zeref mimicked him, feeling like he used to when the façade he wore wasn't so stretched thin and torn in places, back when he could pretend to be just like everyone else and it felt like everyone believed him.

Sorry.

Do you even know what that word means?

Perhaps it wasn't that he was failing miserably, only that Ultear was special in ways that other girls weren't and could peek behind his mask.

"Here comes another. Get into position," Natsu whispered excitedly.

Zeref checked down the street to where a podgy boy in a Power Ranger outfit too large for him waddled closer. He leaned back against the building limply, doing his best ragdoll approximation. He was pretty good at it, considering. He already knew what lifeless bodies looked like.

Zeref pulled his head from that dark place and focused on the task at hand. The boy was eyeing him suspiciously as he approached Natsu. His costume was too long for him and his mask was rolled up on his rosy face. He was by himself, a loner or a loser. When it was distilled, was there a distinction?

"Trick or treat," the boy said in a warbling voice.

Natsu grabbed a fistful of candy and dropped it in his outstretched pumpkin container. "Trick," he said with a mischievous grin.

The boy screwed up his face, perplexed. "What?

On cue, Zeref lifted himself from the wall and ran at the boy. The boy squealed like a piglet and tripped over himself to get away without once looking back over his shoulder. Natsu curled at his waist, he was laughing so hard. Zeref made himself do the same and by the time his laughter was draining away, he was back to feeling like his old self.

He removed his mask and put a cigarette between his lips. "I think that one wet himself."

Natsu started cackling all over again.

High-pitched laughter drifted around the buildings. "We've got more coming," Zeref said. He dragged on his cigarette once more, then dropped it to the ground and stepped on it. He blew the smoke out hastily and pulled his mask back down on his face. It was sweaty in there.

Beside him, Natsu made his face expressionless and pulled down his aviators just as a posse of girls came around the bend. They were too old for trick-or-treating, nineteen or twenty, but each carried very full bags of candy. They were dressed up as Ghost Busters, proton packs and everything. They must have either spent a lot of time making their costumes or a lot of money buying them.

One of the girls saw them and started coming their way. Her friend grabbed her shoulder and held her back. "We should keep going," she said in a familiar voice.

Zeref squinted through his slitted eyeholes and identified Heartfilia blonde hair. He stole a look at his brother. Natsu had taken off his sunglasses to see her better. He looked like someone had grabbed his balls and wrung them until they were blue. Lucy was returning his gaze. There was a challenge in her eyes. Both were so fucking stupid, playing with fire, and for what? What did love really mean? Threats of romance mixed up with blood and pain.

"Fuck sakes," Zeref muttered under his breath. One of them was going to end up dead.

Lucy continued by without stopping. Natsu stared after her, lost. Zeref took his shoulder, unsure if he was going to go after her. Natsu let out his air and faced Zeref again.

"You want to head to that party now?" Zeref asked.

"Yeah."

Stars crusted the cold October sky like flakes of broken glass on a satin tablecloth. Zeref tried not to stare at them too much as he drove up the farmer's driveway and onto the bumpy lawn, but they were distractingly bright.

He stopped the truck and put on the E break. Natsu still looked kind of ill. Zeref reached around him into the glovebox and pulled out a pipe and a baggy of weed. He packed a bowl, lit it, and breathed out a long line of smoke. Natsu looked relieved, engulfed in it.

"She might be here, too," Zeref warned, so he wasn't caught off-guard.

"I know," Natsu said.

Broaching difficult subjects had never been his forte but he tried anyway. "You still haven't talked to her?"

"No."

The way he said it left little room for a full discussion. "That's your choice, I guess," Zeref eventually said.

Natsu took a huge haul off the pipe like that might silence his churning thoughts. Zeref knew from experience that it helped quiet them for a bit, but it never stopped them completely.

"Come on, let's go scare some adults."

Natsu rubbed his palms on Gildarts' uniform, his nervous gesture. "I think I might just take the truck back."

"Don't be like that."

"I'm tired."

"Fuck that. Come on, we were having fun." Zeref shoved his shoulder to corral him toward the door, channeling a playfulness he didn't feel. Natsu pushed him back.

"Fuck off."

If he did then the night would be ruined and the small slice of normalcy he'd had would slip through his hands and who was to say he'd ever get it back?

Zeref grabbed Natsu by the shoulders and pulled him roughly out the driver's door. Natsu cursed and writhed as they tumbled over the uneven ground. A second later, he had his balance and faced Zeref squarely. His hands were balled into fists like he was expecting a fight. And that would be a relief, in a way but Zeref knew he didn't have it in him to let his brother beat him until all his frustration was gone. It was too dangerous.

Zeref ducked beneath Natsu and lifted him up in a fireman's carry. They used to do this when they were kids. Natsu was a lot heavier now and the weed was making Zeref hazy and slow, to the point where running over the uneven ground felt like slogging through oatmeal. But there was something lodged in his chest and when he opened his mouth, genuine laughter rushed out. Soon, Natsu started laughing, too, in an unhinged sort of way, where everything was broken and everything was fucked up but this, at least, was familiar, and they could pretend that Natsu wasn't thinking Zeref was going to fight him again, and this was easy.

Zeref ran toward the driveway that was lined with many pumpkins, carved and lit from the inside with tealights that sputtered in the breeze. Some of their faces were horribly twisted and others were wrenched into goofy smiles far, far too large.

He ran through them, knocking some over and managing to jump over others. A person appeared out of nowhere and he couldn't get around them. He hit them head-on and they all collapsed. He felt Natsu's knee dig into his chin and Zeref's elbow crunch something soft. Natsu laughed like a maniac, though he was gushing blood from his nose. The person Zeref ploughed into swore at them and stormed off.

Zeref struggled to stand and then helped Natsu up, too. His hands were coated in blood. For an instant, Zeref was standing in his entryway again and there was blood smeared all over the walls. He swallowed the bile in his throat.

"You alright?"

Natsu swiped beneath his nose. "I'm fine."

"You're bleeding." He almost couldn't stand to look at it.

"Just bumped my nose," Natsu brushed him off.

"There's water in the Dakota, and shop towels," Zeref said.

"I'll be back in a minute." Natsu started off that way. Zeref was relieved to see him go but it wasn't quite enough. He needed more space. He needed to get his thoughts in the right order and figure out how to stop himself from spiraling way out of control.

He picked a direction and started wading through the people. Ultear appeared out of the crowd, on the arm of the brunette Natsu brought home. Cana, Zeref remembered. She glanced his way, once, and waggled her fingers, inviting him after her. They hadn't spoken since the incident with Lucy. She hadn't even been over, which was unusual for Ultear. Zeref didn't care enough to dig into her reasons. He ignored her and continued toward the house.

The burlap of his costume was itchy in a distant way and he kept rolling his ankle in the divots. People were screaming, laughing, gagging, sighing, living, living, living. Lights flickered inside the house and music throbbed out of someone's speaker.

A person appeared out of the gloom. "I didn't really think this was your scene."

The light was the wrong way to illuminate him, yet Zeref knew exactly who it was; the voice was all too familiar.

"Do you ever just show up on someone's doorstep in the daylight like a normal fucking person, Jellal?" Zeref asked.

He turned just enough that Zeref could see his canines as he smiled. He almost looked monstrous, but that could have been the drugs. "This is more fun."

"Like leaving heads by my building."

"I'm not as dramatic as my uncle, that was his idea."

"That you carried out for him." Like a lapdog.

"For my cousin, actually," Jellal said. "I'm worried she's going to get hurt."

"Someone is," Zeref muttered.

"Doesn't really feel like there's another way for this to end, does it?" Jellal said. "Lucy's been doing a lot of things she shouldn't be doing. Going a lot of places she shouldn't be, looking for a way out of the mess she made."

"That's not Natsu's problem. He's been keeping his distance."

Jellal lit a cigarette. He didn't look right in the middle of the riotous party. His suit was too nice to be a costume, his shiny shoes covered in partially frozen mud. "My uncle doesn't believe that."

"I don't give a fuck what he believes."

"You should."

Zeref started walking by him but Jellal spoke again and made him freeze.

"I'll tell you this once, as a courtesy toward my cousin. Go home tonight, you and Natsu pack your bags and leave Magnolia. Forget who you were here, invent someone new and get a fresh start somewhere way off the map. I'll tell Uncle Jude and Lucy an unfortunate accident befell you and they won't look for you anymore."

Zeref stalled; his thoughts churned through Jellal's words. Leave Magnolia. Get a fresh start somewhere else.

"Here. No questions asked." Jellal held out a stack of cash thicker than any Zeref had seen before. "To get you started."

That would hold them over for a few years if he was smart about it.

"Take it," Jellal ordered.

Feeling dazed, Zeref accepted the money. "Natsu isn't going to want to leave."

"You're going to convince him otherwise." Jellal showed Zeref his back and crossed the field toward the road where a black SUV waited, headlights off. Zeref watched him until he was in the car and the taillights were two blurry smears on the road. He slid his fingers over the paper, thinking of all the possibilities ahead of them. They really could start new. Forget Mom and Dad, and Lucy and Angel and Ultear and all the games and just live. Natsu could go to college somewhere and meet a new girl whose father wasn't so psychotic; whose family wasn't neck-deep in criminality way beyond what Zeref was ever capable of.

And you?

He could start seeing a therapist again. It wouldn't be Doctor Raquel, who was familiar and safe, but someone new. He could tell them almost all his secrets. Maybe he could talk about Wally, in a detached way. I've thought about doing this. Which wouldn't be a lie. He had thought about it, quite a lot.

You could get better.

Better was a distant dream that had faded from his memory; Zeref didn't know how to visualize it anymore.

"Zeref."

Zeref turned. Ultear stood almost exactly where Jellal had. She looked like she'd fallen out of a Rob Zombie movie, dramatic makeup and little clothing.

"Can we talk?" She looked young then.

"I don't think so."

"Please." She took his arm to keep him from going by.

Zeref shook her off. "You said what you had to the last time we met, and you were right. I do use people."

She cast her eyes to the ground. "I know."

"Then go away."

She captured the inside of her cheek between her teeth and squeezed so hard, he was afraid she'd start bleeding. When she looked at him again, she looked desperate. "What if I don't care?"

Zeref thought he was the only desperate person he had room for in his life. "Remember my gun?"

Her expression turned wary. "What about it?"

"Remember it against your temple? Remember pulling the trigger?"

"I didn't," she said.

"Exactly."

She seemed confused. Then angry. "So, because I didn't play your stupid fucking game, I'm not good enough for you? You're crazy."

He smiled.

"You know what, I was right. Fuck you." She pushed him back and stormed away.

It felt like a bandage had been pulled off a very large wound. Zeref fixed his eyes on the horizon and basked in it.

Lights strobed off the trees that traced the road. They were a few kilometers out, but there was no mistaking the red and blue strobe of police, and there was a lot of them.

"Fuck," Zeref swore. He shoved Jellal's money in the inner pocket of his coat and pulled out his phone. The home screen was bare of notifications for once. Zeref pulled up Natsu's information and called as he ran toward the Dakota.

All around, people were seeing the same thing he had and starting to panic. A girl tripped out into his path and fell on her front. Zeref jumped over her form as her friends yelled and rushed to pick her up.

Natsu's phone went to voicemail.

"Come on," Zeref muttered and tried again. The police were close enough now he could see their headlights and they were speeding closer still, taking up ground faster than they should as they rushed toward a party in the dead of night.

Natsu's phone rang and rang and rang.

"Fuck. Natsu!" Zeref yelled into the rushing crowd. Some people looked at him as they jostled to their parked cars, but no one answered.

Zeref tried his phone again and got the same results.

Fuck.

Cruisers flooded the driveway and more choked the road, cutting off exits. There were still too many people for the cops to catch them all. Zeref watched one guy punch an officer as soon as he stood from his vehicle. He went down and the guy ran.

The Dakota looked like salvation. Zeref was thankful Natsu didn't bother locking the doors when he threw himself into the driver's seat and cranked on the engine. His brother still wasn't anywhere in sight, though, and Zeref wouldn't leave him. He was the reason Natsu was there, after all.

A cop car bounced over the front lawn to cut off the exit from the back of the barn. Zeref recognized Gildarts' cruiser. He swore again and hunted the flooding people. Where was Natsu?

How long can you wait? He didn't want to be caught with all this cash in his pocket. He'd have some explaining to do and no matter what answer he gave the police; they weren't going to like it. Guys like him didn't just suddenly come into floods of money.

Did Jellal do this on purpose? Zeref wondered.

It was a lot of effort only to fuck him, with no guarantee that he'd be fucked. It wasn't really his style. He was more of an exact strike kind of guy.

"Answer your damned phone." Zeref hit redial and waited. It rang and rang and then there was dead air, and Natsu's laboured breaths.

"Where are you?" Zeref demanded without being sure if the phone was to his ear.

"I'm coming," Natsu managed.

It was relieving to hear his voice but Zeref still felt like his throat was in a vice. "The cops are here, hurry up."

They were getting closer. One veered off the driveway and onto the grown-in farmer's path, aiming toward the Dakota. He'd be there soon.

Zeref hunted through the chaos for his brother and saw him tearing through the field with abandon. He dodged an officer on foot, leapt over a body supine on the field, and then he was almost there. He didn't shorten his steps when he was near or bother with the door. He grabbed the side of the truck and swung himself into the back.

Zeref hit the gas and sped away from the cruiser on their tail, kicking up mud and stones onto its windshield. He glanced in the rearview and could only see the tops of Natsu's toes. He was lying down in the back (like Wally).

The errant thought was cold water splashing him sober.

A shallow ditch appeared in the headlights. He should have slowed or angled the wheels differently, but Zeref hit it head-on. The truck protested, the springs and shocks grinding. He felt the thud travel all the way through him. And then they were out, onto the road. He checked in the mirror again. Natsu was holding onto the racks for dear life, but he was still in the bed, not dead, and that was all that mattered.

The cruiser that had been chasing them was still way back there, stuck in the field by a gaggle of people that raced in front of it. Zeref sent up a silent thank you, though he doubted God had anything to do with it.

He obeyed the speed limit once they were on the main road. The truck wobbled slightly; he must have fucked the alignment coming out of the ditch.

Two more cruisers sped by; neither of them thought twice about the truck limping down the road. Natsu had the good sense to lie back down so he couldn't be seen.

He only started to relax once they were back under the city streetlights. Another moment and Zeref pulled into the parking lot behind their building. He took a minute to catch his breath, soaking in the silence and the semi-darkness of the cab.

The air was bitter cold when he got out. It would snow soon.

Natsu still hadn't gotten out of the back. A more acute kind of fear settled over Zeref and he was a mess trying to process it. He tore down the tailgate and looked inside. Natsu lay flat in the back, arms out, bare fingers clasped around the anchor points in the bed. He visibly shivered; that was the only way Zeref knew he was alive.

"Are you okay?" Zeref barely recognized his own voice. He didn't like how uncertain it was or how hard his heart was beating. It felt like a lack of control.

Natsu took too long to answer. Zeref grabbed his foot. "Natsu?"

Natsu's fingers relaxed a fraction. His shaking worsened. "I'm fine," he croaked.

The feeling that'd been threatening to overcome him washed out like the tide. What was left was emptiness. If this was the kind of thing regular people with regular emotions had to deal with day in, day out, he didn't fucking want it.

Natsu sat up and Zeref put his arm around his neck. Natsu was ice cold, still shivering.

"That was close," he said through chattering teeth.

"You might have hypothermia." Zeref tried to remember the signs and symptoms and treatment. How long did it take for that kind of thing to set it and was it cold enough?

"Just shaken up," Natsu said. "I thought they were going to get us." He laughed a little like it was stupid. There were worse things than getting arrested at a party. Like breaking your ankle running through a farm field, getting thrown out the back of a moving truck.

The warmth of the apartment flooded through Zeref. He set Natsu down on the couch and turned on the lamp beside the TV. Its base was missing a huge chunk of porcelain. It got broken in their last fight but Zeref didn't have the heart to throw it out; it came out of Grandpa's house when he died, and it was important to Natsu.

He dropped the quilt over Natsu and boiled the kettle for hot chocolate. He made one for Natsu and nothing for himself. His stomach felt like lead.

"Drink it," he said when he returned and Natsu curled his nose.

Reluctantly, Natsu took the cup. Zeref sat down beside him, monitoring. Natsu stopped shivering shortly after and looked healthy enough. Zeref admitted he probably didn't have hypothermia.

He turned on the TV to fill the silence, thinking to watch the news cover the police cleaning up the party. Instead, he looked at a very familiar quarry, where the police were pulling Wally from his grave.

They watched for a full thirty seconds, then Natsu jolted beside him, trying to put his hot chocolate down on the table. He missed and the cup fell and broke, spilling hot chocolate everywhere. He stumbled to the kitchen because he couldn't make it to the bathroom and spat up what he'd drunk in the sink. Zeref listened to him gag, numb.

I've got like, one more chapter, maybe two? I'm going to try to push through and finish it.

JMalguss, thank you for reading and reviewing :)