A/N: Winding down, guys! I figured I would use this chapter to let you know what Ben was doing while Rey and him were separated. Hope you enjoy the other side of the coin! R&R!

BROKEN

Chapter 13: Bothered (Ben)

Part 1

That goodbye had been the hardest. He hadn't wanted to leave her. He knew she needed time, though, which was what compelled him to finally kiss her goodbye and return to his own apartment. He drove in silence, thoughts silent in his mind as he preferred the blankness over the negativity. He wondered if she would be all right without him. Idiot, of course she would be. She was ok without you before, so why not now?

Because everything had changed.

He sighed as he pulled into his apartment parking spot, snatching the keys from his ignition and pausing to look at the passenger seat. He could see her there. He could see her as if she were really there. Looking out the window and curling next to the door as she had done before. It occurred to him then that she had only ridden in his car with him one time. He'd have to drive her more, he decided. Even if it was just going to the store or something. That seat belonged to her, should she want it. He couldn't imagine another woman sitting in his front seat. He imagined her looking over at him, a wide toothy grin on her face as she whispered his name with all the love she'd always said it with.

He sighed and got out of his car before he would be tempted to go back to her. She needed the two days. She needed that time to work through her fears of him. His thoughts drifted to the nightmare she'd told him of. The way her body had twisted in his hold. The way she'd yelled at him when he was trying to calm her. He climbed the stairs to his apartment, hair bouncing with each step he took. It was still early day. Not even dinner time. He'd just been driving around when he left her at Luke's. Sure, he was only ten minutes away, but he needed to clear his mind, not entirely ready to go back to his empty apartment that held nothing for him except silence and solitude. The same silence and solitude he welcomed before, but now, he found that he hated it.

He unlocked his door and walked in, the silence and darkness of it hitting him full force. He paused in the doorway, eyes scanning his emptiness that he previously found comfort in. This was his space. His haven. His sanctuary. He could be himself here. He closed the door thoughtfully. He wondered what it would be like for Rey to be here with him. Certainly more bright, that's for sure. He had all monochromatic things. Black leather sofa. Grey laminate. White and black kitchen setup, black counters and white cabinets. Black oven. Black fridge. Black microwave. Black, black, and more black. All dreary and no sunshine. Like a cloudy day, Ben's apartment shouted single and brooding.

He tossed his keys onto the table at next to the door and kicked off his boots. It looked the same as it always did. Dimly lit, no signs of life, but immaculate. Ben was rather picky about how clean he left things. Which was odd, when he thought about it, because he was the typical broody angsty person that left things messy, not wanting to find it in themselves to clean it. He scoffed at that.

He walked over to the kitchen and decided to go ahead and get started on dinner as he thought more about everything. She had been so scared of him. He idly stirred the meat in the pan, deciding on some basic tacos, not really having the energy for much else. She'd screamed at him that he was a liar. That she wasn't safe with him. He could calm her down so easily before, but now... She completely distrusted him. He had to wonder what went through her head. He became angry at his own thoughts. She thought him another one of those worthless pieces of trash she'd dealt with before. She'd thought him no different than those stupid horndogs that couldn't keep a leash on themselves.

He tried his best to calm his anger before he tore up his apartment. Sure, he had bought it and did renovations himself, but that didn't mean he wanted to keep fixing things. He sighed as he finished dinner and plated it for himself. He stood at the bar, leaning on his elbow, staring down at his food as if it had offended him. He wasn't really hungry, he realized, but he knew he needed to eat. He couldn't just waste away. He dug in.

X~x~x~x~x~X

10:00pm. So late, yet so annoying. He'd tried to take a shower to cool his head. He'd tried drinking a beer. He'd tried watching TV. He'd tried exercising. Nothing worked. He couldn't get her out of his head. It was like a bad break up where the ghost of the lost one haunted him at every turn. It was ridiculous. She invaded his every thought, his every action. He wanted her so badly. He wanted her here with him so badly. He didn't even mind not having sex, just that he wanted to be around her. Why had he suggested two days? Why had he suggested to leave at all? This was incredibly stupid! You're an idiot, Solo! What kind of idiot leaves a girl you're crazy about to think about how crazy you are about her? Why had he even thought that was a good idea? He huffed angrily at himself. He needed to calm down. He needed to do something to get his mind off of everything or he'd be tempted to go over her house.

He grabbed his phone and earphones, slipping on a black sleeveless muscle shirt with some black exercise pants and headed out for a run. Yes, a run would clear his head and if he played his music loud enough, he would be able to drown out any sort of competent thought in his head. Good thinking!

He rushed out the door, down his steps, slipping his headphones in his ears, scrolling to his playlist, hitting play and before he knew it, he was off for a nighttime run. He ran hard and fast, breath coming out in short puffs with each step he took, hair bouncing in the wind. The music blared in his ears as he turned a corner. He saw her face in his head. Her agonized face from the nightmare. He hissed as he started to run faster, a scowl on his face as sweat dripped down his masculine features. Had he messed everything up from the get-go when he grabbed her wrist? Had he damaged her beyond any hope by making one stupid move?

It wasn't just one stupid move, he reminded himself. He'd grabbed her in the woods, too. Really grabbed her. He knew he did damage. He knew he hurt her. He didn't stop. He only stopped when she kissed him, bringing him out of his little trance of anger and misery. He slowed then, feeling his lips tingle as if it had just happened. He slowed to a stop and stood in the darkness, bent over himself, hands on his knees as he struggled to get his breath. He realized he was at Luke's house. He frowned to himself. Even when he was trying to clear his head, he had ended up here like some sort of stupid stalker. He growled at himself before turning on his heel and running back to his house. He realized he had just run 3 miles to get to her house. He shook his head as he ran faster, as fast as his body would allow as he tried to get her out of his head.

He thought of every memory from the beginning, attempting to quell the anger that was rising in his mind. He focused on everything right he did. But it all ended with negativity. One statement that plagued him. One thought that made his resolve about her crumble.

If you did everything right, then she would not be fearful of you.

His mind was right. She was scared. He'd seen the way she acted in her dream. He'd seen the way she reacted to him trying to soothe her. He'd heard her explain it to him in detail. Maybe not so vividly as if he saw it himself, but he could infer things from what she did tell him. All he knew was that he had saved her, and then he...

He growled to himself as he pushed himself further, harder, faster. He would never do such a thing to her. He loved her with everything he had. It wasn't love if he did that to her. But it was a very real fear for her. His being in her dream had done that to her. Her reality was that she was scared of him doing that to her, just like all the other scum that had done it before him. She'd told him about Plutt and his men. She'd told him about... what was his name? Jesse? Jessen? Kess? He didn't know, nor did he care. He wasn't special enough to remember. And frankly, if he remembered his name, he would probably try to find the little-

Stop, Solo. Enough. Don't go there. His anger reached his face, his eyes shining hard in the moonlight as he made it back to his apartment complex. He stood at the bottom of his steps, huffing and puffing as the music blared in his ears. He wasn't done yet. He turned away from the steps and continued his run. He wasn't tired enough to go to sleep yet and he'd rather be doing something active than sitting in his cold, dark apartment, left entirely alone with his thoughts.

"LIAR!" His steps faltered as he almost tripped over his own feet. His eyes were wide as her voice resonated in his mind. He looked up at the moon, covered with clouds, but still penetrating enough to shine a bright white light. He huffed and tried to get his breath as he looked around where he was. He ran his hands through his now wet hair and sighed in frustration. "Don't leave, Ben." He closed his eyes and let her voice take over his mind.

"I love you, Ben."

"Ben... please talk to me."

"Ben... I'm so sorry."

"Please stay."

"Ben, don't leave me."

"Promise me... Promise me you won't disappear."

"Never," he whispered into the night sky. He opened his eyes, feeling his heart ache with how much he had hurt her. How she was probably struggling to come to grips with her own fears and doubts. The fear he felt in his own consciousness of what he would be walking back into in a couple of days. The anxiety of what she would ask him or have decided for herself. Would she want to continue their relationship? Would she want to call it quits, thinking it better for her sanity to just abandon whatever this was before it got too far? His chest tightened at that thought. He would have to let her go. He would have to let her move on, never bothering her again. That thought made him miserable. All of his energy left him as he leaned against a light pole, hands struggling to hold his body up as he fought with that possibility. What if she told him to leave her alone?

X~x~x~x~x~X

He walked tiredly back into his apartment, his music still blaring in his ears as he trudged up his stairs and let himself back into his apartment. He shut the door and leaned against it, eyes puffy and red from a brief crying fit that he had to deal with on his walk back. His music was off now and the earphones hung around his neck. What if she told him to leave her alone? That was a very real possibility. He'd fallen so hard and so fast for his little sunshine that he couldn't bear it if something happened to her. If he were told to... disappear from her life.

He shook his head and looked at the clock. It was already 12:59am. He allowed himself a breathy scornful laugh. It had taken him that long to get his thoughts over with. This woman had messed him up, he thought as he trudged to his bedroom, flopping onto his body onto the cold bed, eyes shutting as he sighed sleepily. He would shower later... He drifted off to sleep, the last thing on his mind being his beloved Rey smiling warmly at him.

X~x~x~x~x~X

His phone started to ring loudly, dragging Ben from his exhaustion. He reached blindly on his bed for his phone, following the sound as he tried to not open his eyes. After a long frustrating moment, he opened his eyes, found it, and answered it, seeing that it was Luke. "What?" he bit out angrily.

"Rey had another nightmare." Ben's clarity came back to him as he sat up quickly in bed. Knowing he had his full attention, his uncle continued. "I tried knocking on her door, but she didn't answer, but I heard her moving around in there. I just thought you should know... Maybe she'll answer for you. Night, kid." Luke hung up and Ben looked down at his phone. 1:43am. He thought about calling her. If she had a nightmare again, would she be in the mood to talk? Would she even answer? If it was about him, she probably wouldn't want to speak with him, would she?

He sighed softly and dialed her number, hesitating just a moment to press the call button. When he did, he lifted it to his ear, hearing the drone of the ring. He waited. And waited. And then her voicemail kicked in. It was so nice to hear her voice. His lips curled into a small smile then. He hung up, not bothering to leave her a voicemail. She didn't check them anyway. He stared at his phone for a moment. He looked at the time again, pressing his tired lips into a thin line. 1:59am. He sighed as he stood and walked to the shower, leaving his phone on his bed. If she were going to call him back, she probably would have already. He stripped out of his workout clothes and hopped in the shower, the hot water falling on his tense muscles. He was so exhausted. His hair fell in his face as he stood under the hot stream of water, sighing as he felt his tense muscles starting to relax.

As he washed, he tried to calm his nerves. Maybe he could be tired enough to go back to sleep? Doubt it. He resigned himself for a long night. He'd gotten barely an hour of sleep. His whole body was screaming at him to go back to sleep, but his mind was racing with thoughts of Rey. He knew her nightmares weren't to be taken lightly. He knew they affected her in a bad sort of way. He knew that if she were left alone... Who knew what she would do or think. He shook that thought out of his head, trying to remain positive. He turned off the shower, having finished with his shower. He walked out and grabbed a black towel, scrubbing his hair and drying off the rest of him. He wrapped the towel around his waist and walked into his bedroom, all but sprinting to his phone on his bed to check it for anymore messages or calls.

Nothing.

He frowned and looked at the time again. 2:14am. He typed out a message to her. Luke said you screamed. Please call me when you're ready. He sent it and threw it back on his bed, walking over to his closet to grab some clothes. He settled for a pair of boxers and a pair of sweatpants, remaining shirtless for comfort. He sat at the edge of his bed and flopped onto his back then. His eyes closed of their own will. Sleep was so close to taking over him. He could taste it. He wanted so desperately to fall into a deep sleep...

But Rey needs you.

His eyes flew open, hand going back to grab his phone desperately. He looked at it for a moment, debating whether he should leave her alone or call her. He settled on waiting for a moment. He wondered what she was doing. How she was doing. Was she ok? He opened her contact again and hovered over the call button, a small battle waging in his mind to call or not. He wanted to hear her voice. To hear if she was all right or tormented. He hoped the former. He pressed the call button and put it back to his ear. He waited. After what seemed like forever, he got her voicemail again. He sighed softly and hung up, dropping the phone on his chest as his hand went to his hair. He stared up at his ceiling. He hoped she was all right. Luke had to have known that calling him and telling him she had a nightmare would have this effect on him. It was only natural that he cared so much for her that he worried himself sick.

He thought about her some more and picked his phone back up again. 2:28am. I know you're not sleeping. He sent it after a moment, sleep making his typing sloppy and slow. He wondered if he were annoying her. Was he being too clingy? A thought of her clinging to him filled his mind. He rolled over onto his side, eyes closed as his memory of her body against his took over his senses. He could almost smell her, feel her curling against him. His arm went out to wrap around her, but met nothing. His eyes opened, a small sadness in them. He was going crazy. He rolled over onto his back. He started to think the worst.

What if she went down her rabbit hole again? What if she were avoiding him because she had an even worse nightmare? What if he'd done worse to her in her nightmare? His breath hitched at that. What if... What if she couldn't trust him? Was she more scared of him? Was she crying right now? Was she warring against her negative emotions as she tried to fight against the lack of trust and the love she had for him? Which side was winning?

You're deluding yourself if you think she'd ever fully love a monster like you.

He closed his eyes, thinking about that thought. Would he ever feel loved? Did Rey just say that to him? Did she mean it? Was he just a comfort for her for now and she'd toss him away later when she'd recovered? He frowned to himself at that. She wasn't fickle like that. And even if she was, he still cared about her. He needed to know if she was all right. He grabbed his phone again and started typing again. Please let me know you're ok, Rey... He sent it with a sigh. He pressed his palm to his forehead, feeling dizzy from sleep deprivation. He closed his eyes, but his mind was racing. Again.

With a frustrated sigh, he tore himself out of bed and walked into his kitchen, ripping his fridge open and grabbing another beer. He flicked the top off of it and took a long sip (more like gulp!) before sighing in frustration. He walked over to his couch and cut the TV on, beer in hand. His dark eyes shone in the darkness, a white light from the TV making them even darker, if at all possible. He flipped through the channels and settled on classical music. He laid his head back on the couch, closing his eyes. The piano played something akin to a waltz and his mind started to relax.

Until he saw Rey holding out her hand to him. Maybe it was a weird kind of awake dream? His eyes stayed closed as his mind fabricated himself in there, taking her hand and dancing with her. Her dress was a ballgown and he wore a tux. They spun and turned around his mind, a small smile coming to his face. As the song came to a close, he whispered he loved her.

"LIAR!" His eyes shot open, body jerking forward from his reclined position, beer almost landing on the floor. He breathed harshly, hand going to his forehead in a silent plea for relief. He looked at the time on the TV. 2:55am. He stood from his couch and walked back to his room. He grabbed his phone off the bed, looking at it with a frown. Still nothing. He typed out another message with one hand, swigging his beer with the other. I love you, Rey. I'm here when you need me, sweetheart. He sent it as he sat back down on the couch, letting the classical music fill his ears again. He finished his beer, setting it on the table as he propped his feet up on the coffee table in front of him. He leaned his head back with a sigh, hoping sleep would take him soon. And it did.

X~x~x~x~x~X

He awoke the next morning to his morning alarm. 8:30am and Ben was ready to wake up again. Not really. He sat up and sighed as he scrubbed his hands over his face. He felt the stubble and frowned. Time to shave again... He stood and held his head as it throbbed under his hand. He silently cursed as he wandered into the bathroom, taking care of his business, washing his hands and reaching in the medicine cabinet for some Tylenol. He ran the sink, dipped his head under it and got some water before swallowing the Tylenol for his aching head. He wasn't sure if he'd been dehydrated or if it was the beer that did it to him, but he was feeling miserable. He walked into the kitchen and started up some coffee, eyes still refusing to stay open as he nodded off, leaning against the counter. He caught himself and sighed, shaking his head and rubbing his face again. He looked at a phone call again and frowned when he saw Luke's name. He answered with a gruff, "How is she?"

Luke sighed on the other end. "She's not eating... I knocked on her door again, but I didn't get an answer. She locked her door and won't come out. I sent her a text to let her know breakfast was ready. Even made her favorite, but I got nothing."

Ben frowned as Luke went on about Rey's stubbornness. Then it hit him. "What's her favorite, out of curiosity?"

Luke snickered at Ben. So worried and yet he still wanted to learn more. "Bacon and pancakes."

"Noted... Ok. I'll call her..." he said as he poured himself some coffee and hung up on his uncle. Not disrespectfully or anything, but Luke knew. He dialed Rey's number silently. It was 9:00am. She should be awake by now, he thought. Unless she had the same night he had. Voicemail again. He sighed and shook his head at that woman. He sipped his coffee thoughtfully. His thoughts roamed to what he would be walking into tomorrow.

Tomorrow? He was supposed to give her a couple of days. How long had it been? He looked at his phone. He left yesterday... He shouldn't be back tomorrow. Today would technically be the first day. He groaned as his hands went to his face. He was a freaking wreck without her. What kind of life was this? He was working himself up so hard for this woman, and yet, there was still the possibility that she would tell him to just drop off her radar. His hands slid down his face, tugging the bottoms of his eyes with him in an outward show of aggravation and desperation. He sighed as his hands dropped, reclaiming his coffee in silence. Fine. He just had to... get his mind off of her. That's right. He would go get some food in his house. Yeah, that was a good idea. And maybe a gift for her... and stop by Luke's... and-

Stop! He groaned and shook his head. He was hopeless. He lifted his cell again, texting out a another message to her. Eat something, love. He sent it and a moment later, he thought about explaining how he knew she wasn't eating, so he wouldn't sound like some weirdo hanging out on her balcony. He typed out another with a roll of his eyes. Luke said you aren't eating. Please don't hole yourself up there alone. He sent that as well. Then he thought... what if she wasn't hungry? He knew that when he had nightmares, he wasn't exactly starving afterwards. Quite the opposite in fact. Any food, or thought of food, repulsed him. He scrunched his face up and went back to texting. Surely he must seem like a loon. At least drink some tea or something. He sent that and sighed, putting his phone down. Ok. He needed to do some stuff. He nodded and set out to getting dressed in some proper clothes. He threw a black long sleeved shirt on and black jeans. He pulled his socks on, dialing Luke's number as he had a piece of toast sticking out of his mouth. He heard the man pick up, wrenches dropping in the garage and a curse coming from him. "Hey... make Rey some tea, would you? She's probably thirsty, but not feeling up to making it. And see if you can get her to eat something. I'll drop by some things for her. Thanks," he said as he hung up, grabbed a care package and walked to the door silently. He toed his boots on, pulling them up and securing them as he left his house with a determined grin on his face.

Within a moment, he was down to his car, starting it up and backing out of his parking spot. He drove to the nearest store in silence, mapping out a plan in his head. She needed a pick-me-up. Ben Solo style. If she wouldn't pick up her phone or return his texts, he would show her that he was still there. Who knew what thoughts she's concocted with one night of being alone. She probably thought he would fall off the face of the planet or something. And she'd left her messages on unread, so... He sighed. Thank you, iPhones for telling on people. His phone dinged and he smirked. He read it at a stop light and nodded to himself. Luke said that she had tea in the fridge. Good on you, hermit. He typed back a thumbs up emoji. He looked at the clock in his car. 9:30am. Making good time. He pulled into the store and rushed inside, a hop in his step despite his sleep deprivation. He was a man on a mission.

When he emerged from the store, he had a bamboo bowl full of fruit and a single red rose. He arranged it in his car and took the time to write out a note, placing it in an envelope with his elegant script. He then turned on his car and drove to Luke's. He pulled up into the drive and saw Luke in the garage, fiddling with a transmission, cursing to himself. Ben grinned and emerged from the car. He left the bowl of fruit with Luke, as well as the shirt and envelope. "She's bound to come down sometime," he told Luke. "When she does, give this to her," he said, more of asked. Luke nodded gruffly and rolled his eyes, muttering something about stupid kids under his breath. Ben only grinned more. "Tell her to eat this or I'll force feed it to her," he said as he nodded at the fruit and turned on his heel to leave. He left a dumbfounded Luke behind, backing out of the drive and speeding off. When he stopped back at a stop light again, he texted Rey again. He'd gotten confirmation that Luke had made the tea already, so he decided to try again. Luke did all the work for you. Go get some tea, love. I know you're good at scavenging. He sent that and typed out one more, but didn't send it yet. Any progress?

When he made it to the next stop sign, he pressed send and kept driving. He went to the mall next. He felt awkward going there, but his destination was there and he had to face his fears just like all the others. He pulled into a parking spot and cut the car, silently questioning if he should go in or not. He hated malls. He hated a lot of people. He felt awkward going into such a social place when he was far from sociable. He frowned for a moment, debating exactly how badly he wanted to do this. He glanced over at the passenger seat and his mind fabricated Rey sitting there, smiling warmly at him. She leaned in closer with a delicate whisper, saying, "I love you, Ben." That was all he needed. He leaped out of his car and made his way in, confidence renewed.