A/N – Hey Folks! So… Just a warning, this chapter gets very dark, very mature… goes into the background of the night Sara's father died…

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Sara tried to resist at first, trying to push Catherine back, she mumbled against her lips 'Please don't…' but her hands found themselves on Catherine's shoulders, neither pushing the older woman away, or pulling her closer 'I'm sorry' Catherine mumbled, kissing Sara again, before moving and resting her forehead against Sara's.

'Don't do this Cat…' Sara whispered, her fingers moving lightly over the back of her neck 'I've been through too much…'

'I know' Catherine said gently, her hand on Sara's face, she leant in and kissed her gently again 'Come on, let's go to bed, get some sleep. I don't want to leave you alone right now Sara…'

Sara moved her head slightly and sighed, dropping her hands 'I should be with Gil, Cat, and you need to be with Lou….I'm…I'm sorry…he saw us….'

'I know Sara…I was here when we woke up'

Sara shook her head more, and shuffled back on the bed away from Catherine 'Not Gil…Lou…'

Catherine's face fall, and she was momentarily at a loss for words. 'Oh….in the desert?'

Sara just nodded, rubbing at her eyes as she moved to pull the covers over her body, her back against the headboard.

'What did he say?' she asked at last 'He screamed at me, wondering what part of this case meant I had to find comfort with you…but he wasn't as…nice… as that… you know, I half believed he had actually phoned Grissom… Gil isn't normally one for such, surprise visits, not so soon…doesn't matter though does it…I've thrown my marriage away, and I've ruined what you had with Lou… I'm so sorry Cat, I'm really really sorry… ' Sara wiped at her eyes more, her body sliding further down the bed. 'Perhaps you should go… fix it, if you can…'

'I don't want to go Sara… if I wanted to go, I would have gone before we even fall asleep… I wouldn't have been waiting outside the group home… I told you the other day, I wanted to cross that line with you. Please don't throw me out' Catherine said, leaning over Sara who was now lying in the bed, silent tears falling from her eyes. Sara could only nod, once again unable to find her words.

'Come on, let's get you in something a bit more comfortable, and then get some sleep… Huw will be here later, and you need to rest Sara….'

Sara just nodded again, and sat up in the bed, removing her clothes, before lying back down.

Catherine slipped into the bed behind her, and wrapped her arms around Sara, rubbing her hand gently across Sara's chest, soothing the woman in her arms.

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Sometime later, still in each other's embrace, the two woman woke up to a knocking at the door. Sara opened her eyes slowly, but tightened her hold on Catherine. The older woman placed a kiss on the brunette's head 'You know, they're not going to leave until you answer it…'

'I know…but I'm really not up for seeing anyone right now…'

'What if it's about…' Catherine paused, not willing to mention Sophie or Sian by name right now.

'It won't be… they would have rang if it was… ' Sara mumbled, pulling Catherine even closer

'How do you know?' Catherine asked trying to twist in the embrace

'I just do…'

The knocking continued, and then stopped for a moment, before the phone started ringing.

Catherine stretched and reached over to grab Sara's cell phone 'Nick' she said, passing the phone to Sara.

'I don't want to talk to him'

Catherine frowned 'Why not?'

'It's…it's complicated…'

Catherine just sighed, and then answered Sara's phone for her, sitting up in bed 'Hey Nick'

'Catherine?'

'Yep, hello to you too'

'Sorry… I just, I phoned Sara…'

'I know, she… she can't come to the phone right now…' Catherine looked over to see Sara crying once more, but she didn't know why.

'Has something happened?' Nick asked, his voice thick with concern

Catherine let out a cross between a snort and a laugh at that 'Let's just say it's been a hell of a week…'

'What happened in the desert? Greg didn't explain it very well…'

Catherine just sighed 'You're not gonna leave the front door until you have answers are you?' Catherine said, her hand running through her hair

'No, I won't…Look… I just, I really want to speak to Sara…'

Catherine looked at Sara again 'She doesn't want to talk Nick… You'll have to make do with me, give me a minute…' with that she hung up the phone, and leant over and placed another kiss on Sara's head 'Sara…you have to talk to him eventually…'

She stood, pulled on a robe, and left the room, gathering her clothes as she went. It was about 5 minutes later when she answered the door.

'Hey Nick, come in…'

'Thanks… How is she?' Nick asked, hoping he might now have a different answer, even if only a few minutes had really passed.

'I don't know Nick… she's taking this a lot harder than I thought she would… I know none of it is easy to deal with…but, I don't know… there's something else going on… she drank, a lot… '

'Oh…'

'She hadn't drank in so long….' Catherine sat on the sofa, and Nick took a seat opposite her

'I had a beer with her just the other week….' Nick said a little confused

'Alcohol-free… she'd been sober for nearly 2 and ½ years… Something happened that set her off… she rang me… said she was on her way in, to give me all of the booze she had…on her way, she saw a Red Mustang… hired it out, drove out to the desert… started to drink… you heard about the body dump?' She asked

'Yeah… Greg told me about that, but didn't say much else really… he's working on tracking the vehicle based on the partial plate Sara saw… so, what set her off drinking then, if she'd done so long without…' Before Nick could say anything else, they heard a noise behind them

'You Nick…' Sara said, her arms wrapped tightly around her body, wearing a dressing gown 'It was you Nick….'

Catherine stood and made her way over to Sara, slowly reaching a hand out to her, not wanting to reach out to soon. It wasn't very clear how receptive Sara would be to her touch right now, especially with Nick sat in the room.

'I… I don't understand…' Nick said standing up 'Sara…'

Sara's head fall down, her eyes staring at the floor, but she did slowly reach out to take Catherine's hand. 'He read the file Cat….'

Catherine and Nick looked at one another, 'I know… you know that sweetie… he had too…'

'But he thinks he knows something about me… he looks at me differently… he's judging me and pitying me about something he doesn't understand…I can't stand the looks… I can't stand it Cat!' Sara screamed out, getting louder and louder and more hysterical now.

'Sara…' Nick said, guilt washing over him. It was true, he was looking at her a little differently now, but it hadn't been intentional. Catherine just pulled Sara too her once more, hoping to soothe her. She now carried a sedative laced needle with her, curtsey of Doc Robbins, and she hoped she wouldn't have to use it 'Shhh…. Sara… Shh…' she held her closely, although Sara tried to struggle against her.

'I'm sorry Sara…' Nick choked out, his legs feeling weak, he sat down again

'You don't even know what you're sorry for' Sara whispered, finally pushing herself away from Catherine.

'So why don't you tell me' Nick said, his voice gentle, making eye contact with Sara for the first time.

Catherine placed her hand on Sara's lower back, and gently guided her to the sofa 'Sara, Nicks right, you need to talk to us…. Why did you turn to drinking?'

'I told you… Nick looks at me differently, but he's wrong…' Sara pulled her knees up to her chest, and wrapped her arms around them.

'Then tell me Sara, what am I wrong about?' Nick asked, leaning forward in his chair. Catherine remained standing, looking between the two.

'My Dad…' Sara whispered.

Nick ran his hand through his hair, his anger rising. 'He was no Dad…'

'You never knew him!' Sara spat out 'You don't know what happened!'

Nick clenched his fists together, doing his best not to shout back, and still all Catherine could do was watch. After a moment, Nick found his voice 'Sara… I saw the medical files… I know what your childhood was like…'

'You have no idea Nick….' Sara said, wiping away yet another tear

'I know how you ended up in Foster Care…' he said, his voice as gentle as it could be.

'No you don't' Sara whispered, her voice so quiet it almost wasn't heard, as she moved so she was lying on the sofa. Catherine finally moved to sit on the sofa, pulling Sara's head into her lap, her fingers running through her hair. Sara twisted around, so she was facing Catherine's stomach.

No one said anything for some time, and it seemed as if Sara had fallen asleep, so Catherine and Nick jumped a little when Sara began to speak.

'My parents used to beat me… my Father used to beat my Mother… My Mother drank, my Father was Bipolar… It wasn't a happy child hood. I spent a lot of time in and out of hospital… It was both a secret, and not a secret… if people knew, no one did anything to stop it… no one really noticed a pattern… Where I lived, people were scared of my Father, which is why no one said anything… I loved my Father. I loved him more than my Mother, because when he had a good day, he had a really good day, were as my Mother was awful most of the time… still, I knew no better, and thought everyone lived the way I did… Eventually, I got used to the looks at the hospital, at school… I could just about take them… But the night my Father died… The looks changed….people stared at me, judged me, pitied me… but they were looking for all the wrong reasons… No one believed me… No one's ever believed me about what happened that night…. Those looks hurt me the most, because people were looking at me, feeling sorry for me, about something that never ever happened…Things got twisted…I think I lost my virginity that night, but I didn't really understand it, at the time…'

Nick couldn't take it anymore, he had to say something 'You did Sara…Your Father…'

'Lies…' Sara choked out

'Sara, I read the report, I know what happened…'

'No you don't Nick… It was worse than that…'

'Worse than being raped by your own Father?' Nick almost screamed

'He didn't rape me' Sara choked out, again her voice so quiet, it was almost missed.

Catherine's hand paused in their movements 'Sara?' she looked up to Nick, could see the tears in his eyes 'Sara…' she repeated. Sara's body began shaking, her sobs becoming more and more intense.

'It wasn't my Father… he was trying to protect me….' Sara managed to get out.

'Then who?' Catherine asked, a dread washing over her.

'My Mother…. My Mother raped me…' Sara pushed away from Catherine once again, and twisted around, but before she could get far she was sick.

'Oh Sara….' Nick and Catherine whispered.

Sara heaved a couple more times, but wasn't sick again. She inched away from the vomit on the floor, and leant back against the sofa, eyes closed, head once again resting on her knees. The silence that fall over the room was thick and heavy. No one wanted to break it.

'I'm sorry Sara…I'm sorry no one believed you…' Nick said at last

'It's Ok Nick…It's not your fault… I thought I'd dealt with it, like everything else… Guess I was wrong…You want to know how it happened?' she asked.

Catherine and Nick looked at one another, they didn't want to invade on Sara's privacy anymore, but they also realised that perhaps Sara needed to speak about this at long last.

'Only if you want to tell us' Catherine said gently, moving to sit on the floor next to Sara 'I care about you Sara, I don't want to see you hurting…'

'Thanks…' Sara mumbled into her knees, after another long silence, Sara began to speak once again.

'I'd started my period a few months before, I'd been using sanitary towels, but found them…uncomfortable, off putting… I saw that Mother used tampons… I asked her about them one day. She said she'd explain how they worked, you know… show me… I was a little confused about…well, how they worked and stuff… where they went… so she showed me… except instead of…of…' Sara bite back to urge to be sick again 'She stripped me, her hands running over my body, as she calmly explained the changes my body would be going through… she wouldn't stop touching my body… then she threw me on the bed, the tampons forgotten… she pushed….' Sara choked on her words, but forced herself to carry on 'She pushed my legs apart, placed her hand there… it felt funny… tingly almost, but it made my skin itch, and I was scared… then I felt this, burning, intense pain… I didn't understand what it was… she was talking to me, the whole time, explained how a man would place his penis where her fingers now were… an interactive story all about the birds and the bees… she was so… calm…I was scared, but I didn't really, fully, realise that anything was wrong. She told me the first time with a man would hurt, and she was preparing me for adulthood… after a while, I don't know… she got bored of talking, bored of educating me, but she did… enjoy it…I don't… I didn't really realise at the time… she stopped talking, bought her head down, kissed my chest, my stomach, she just kept kissing my skin… then her head was between my legs….' Sara lurched to the side and was sick again. 'She kept kissing me… there… between my legs…he arms pinning me to the bed… I didn't understand… I never really understood…I don't know how long we were there for… I heard Father return, he was in the kitchen… must have started to cook. Sometime later he came looking for us… he found us, in my bedroom, in my bed…I….I…by now, my Mum's hand was back between my legs… she was kissing me now… I mean, really kissing me…I kissed her back… I thought it was the right thing to do… my hands were now exploring too…' Sara began shaking even more 'My Dad was so so angry… he pulled my mother off of me, started screaming… he must have had the knife with him, they were fighting… the next few minutes are a blur, the next thing I knew was my Dad was lying on the floor bleeding, and my Mum stabbed him again and again… there was cast-off, everywhere, the walls, the floor… me… after he stopped moving, my Mum calmly stripped him, all the while talking to me, telling me she had been protecting me, that he was dead because he had raped me, that she had caught him… she was trying to coach me, to side with her…. I was so confused…. I…God, I hate to say it, but back then…before I knew it for what it was… I enjoyed it, after a while… once I was used to her touch… I didn't understand why she wanted me to lie about… I told the officer who came what really happened… she didn't believe me… told me I was wrong, that it was evident that it had been my Dad in my bed, that he had been killed because my Mum was trying to protect me… the reality is, he was killed because he was trying to protect me from my Mother… ' Sara curled up on the floor, her body shaking violently now, whilst Catherine and Nick had to swallow back the bile that was rising within them.

'I wish I could forget…I just want to sleep….'

'Oh Sara…I'm so so sorry… I'm so sorry…..' Catherine whispered, the tears flowing.

Nick walked over, and kneelt down 'Come on…let's get you to bed… can you stand?'

Sara just shook her head no, she didn't want to move.

'Can I carry you?' Nick said, slowly placing his hand on her shoulder, and was a little relieved when she nodded her head yes. He scooped her up in his arms, and carried her through to the bedroom, whilst Catherine followed behind, making a quick detour to grab a wet washcloth to wipe around Sara's mouth.

Nick placed her in the middle of the bed 'Do you want us to stay?' he asked, brushing the hair from Sara's face

'I just want to forget' she repeated

'I know… I know you do…' he placed a kiss on the top of her head, and then silently walked out of the room, and out of the house without another word.

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Sorry again for such a dark twist…Things will pick up again soon, such as Huw arriving, talking to Sian, progress on the case… thanks for reading. Review if you can, even if it's negative feedback. Emz.