Disclaimer: I don't own the supernatural characters.
Warnings: Harsh language, violence, thoughts of self-incrimination, mentions of self-harm, implied torture and sexual abuse, implied rape.
Author's Note: I have no knowledge of spells, curses, witchcraft, the occult or voodoo. I am completely using my own imagination and sorry if I offend anyone who practices in any of these things.
If you have a moment, let me know what you think.
Sorry about the long delay, real life problems got in the way, but just like with my other stories I won't give up on this until it's finished. Thanks to everyone for their patience and continued support.
UNCORGIVABLE SOLUTION
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Dean froze at Sam's words, his heart dropping into the pit of his stomach at the desolate look upon his younger brother's face, fear suddenly clouding his mind because this, right here, was what the older Winchester had nightmares about. And he had done for the past six months now.
The dejected tone, the despondent despair etched upon Sam's expression … Dean had seen it all before. He had witnessed it first-hand. The twisted torture of grief, guilt and disheartened agony that Dean could see within those lowered hazel eyes, caused a feeling of cold numb dread and horror to race throughout Dean.
The way Sam's shoulders hung in defeat, his body hunching up in misery, demoralized, humiliated, paralysed by a fatigue and weariness that was bringing the youngest Winchester down to his knees, the weight that he carried becoming almost too much for him to bear that the only way out would be for Sam to do the unthinkable.
All of this, the way his brother looked, the way he sounded, the way his body was trembling under all of that weight, was eerily similar to how Sam had been six months ago while he had been trapped in Gabriel's fucked up world; where "Bobby" had given Sam a gun and tried to convince Sam that the only way he could truly protect his older brother was if he ended his own life; where Sam had caressed that gun lovingly, looking at it as if it was the answer to all of his problems and the only way he could truly set his older brother free. But the look in Sam's eyes …
Dean shivered violently as he recalled the calm, steely resolve that had come over his baby brother's features as Sam seriously considered using the damn gun on himself and blowing his brains out.
Dean had never been so scared before in his life and he had only barely managed to pull his brother back from the dangerous, dark ledge. It had taken all that Dean had in him to convince his brother not to use that gun; and only the heart felt words of Dean promising to follow his brother into death, had finally put a dent in his younger brother's armoured shell which had given Dean enough of an edge to finally talk some sense into that damn stubborn fool head of his.
Dean had vowed to never let Sam get that low again. He never wanted to see that look enter his baby brother's eyes ever again.
But now, six months later, and it felt as if Dean was looking into a mirror image of how his brother had looked as he considered using that gun on himself and something within Dean snapped.
Before he was even consciously aware of what he was doing, Dean had jumped to his feet, his fear and concern coming out as anger as he placed his hands upon his younger brother's shoulders and shook him.
"Don't." Dean grounded out through clenched teeth, but even Dean could hear the desperate pleading in his own voice as he tried to physically shake some sense into his brother.
"Don't say that. Not ever." He demanded, voice shaking slightly despite how low and deadly his tone had become, even his brother's wide blown eyes filling with surprise and hurt as Dean's fingers dug into Sam's shoulders a little too hard, didn't deter Dean as he continued to shake his brother.
"I don't ever want to hear those words coming out of your mouth again, do you understand me?" Dean declared and the urgency within his tone didn't go unnoticed by the youngest Winchester.
"Do you understand me?!" Dean repeated when Sam just stood there, gaping at his older brother in shocked surprise.
"Y-yeah, okay Dean, I understand." Sam spluttered in confusion before the look in his older brother's green eyes suddenly made sense to him and Sam could have kicked himself for the thoughtless words that he had spoken in a moment of weakness and self-doubt.
It was the same look Sam had seen for the first month after Sam had escaped the alternate hell world that Gabriel had created specifically for him. Every time Dean had looked at Sam, he had gotten that look, almost as if he expected Sam to disappear on him at any moment.
Dean had been unusually hyper-vigilante during the first four weeks, always checking in on Sam, wanting to know where Sam was almost every minute of the day, smothering Sam with his over protectiveness to the point where Sam was ready to lose his shit and just explode at his brother until one night, Sam had been woken up by the sound of his older brother's screams.
When Sam had gone to investigate and had realized that his older brother had been in the throes of a rare nightmare, Sam had started to relax until he had heard his brother's muttered, frightened words and his older brother's suffocating tendencies had suddenly become clearer to Sam.
Dean's biggest fear was failing Sam. But not just failing him. It was watching his little brother die and not being able to do anything to prevent it.
Sam had come close to killing himself six months ago while Dean had watched on helplessly, unable to stop or prevent Sam from doing the one final act that would separate the two brothers forever.
Sam hadn't realized how much that particular event had affected his older brother, how much damage and guilt it had caused within the older Winchester.
After that, Sam had good-naturedly tolerated his brother's overly manic, obsessive protectiveness until slowly Dean had come to the realization that Sam wasn't going anywhere or wasn't going to do anything stupid and had eased up a bit, that look of fear and concern leaving his older brother's eyes now that he knew Sam was safe.
Now, with those thoughtless words Sam had spoken, it had brought everything back and Dean had responded in typical Dean fashion … converting all of his fear and worry into anger.
Sam's expression softened in understanding when Dean released his death grip upon Sam's shoulders and took half a step back, blushing in embarrassment now at his sudden, impulsive anger.
"I'm sorry Dean, I didn't mean to say that. I'm just … frustrated, I guess." Sam let out a low sigh when Dean still refused to make eye contact with him. "I meant what I said back there Dean," Sam placed a hand upon Dean's arm, needing to convey to Dean the sincerity of his words.
"I'm not suicidal. You don't have to worry," Sam offered Dean a weak, lop-sided grin when his brother finally met his eyes. "I'm not going to get all drunk and weepy, wanting to do a spell to undo all of the failures in my life and trapping myself in an alternate dimension of Hell. I promise." Sam added at Dean's blatant look of disbelief.
"Okay, good." Dean nodded, calming down once he realized that Sam wasn't heading down the dark, twisted path of self-destruction which had ultimately led Sam into thinking the only option he had left was to kill himself.
"Let me ask you something Sammy," Dean said a couple of minutes later when he still noticed the bitterly disappointed look that remained upon his little brother's features.
Sam glanced at Dean apprehensively, because that was a loaded question. "What's that Dean?" Sam asked cautiously.
"If you knew what you know now; knowing that the Alpha hadn't actually sacrificed the … lead vampire like he said … would you have still gone ahead and struck that deal with the Alpha?"
"Yes." Sam answered immediately, without any hesitation what so ever. "It was the only way to get you out of Purgatory. So, yes, I would have still made that deal with the Alpha, even knowing what I know now."
"Okay." Dean nodded, not surprised by his little brother's response. "Then, let this go Sam."
Sam looked at Dean, puzzled by his brother's words.
"Take it from someone who's made a lot of deals with monsters in the past. No matter how air tight you think your deal is, monsters will always find a way to screw you over." Dean pattered Sam's shoulder consolingly.
"Trust me, let it go dude. You'll only drive yourself nuts dwelling on the loopholes monsters find in order to undermine or find hidden terms of the deal that you weren't aware of."
Sam contemplated his older brother's words of wisdom and decided that his brother was right. There was no point in dwelling over the Alpha's manipulation of the deal they had struck.
"I get that monsters screw us over." Sam admitted in a low voice. "And I expected it. I waited every damn day for the other shoe to drop; for the Alpha to renege on the deal once he had gotten what he wanted, but … it never came Dean. The Alpha kept his word on all of the stipulations to our deal and … I know he's a monster, but because he hadn't back stabbed me or tried to go back on his word I …"
"I get it Sammy, I do." Dean assured his slightly rambling brother. "And believe me, I know what you're going through. I mean, look how much everything went to shit when I tricked you into saying "yes" to Gadreel. I believed he was one of the good guys, but … yeah, that didn't exactly go the way I had planned.
And then, what about the time Crowley tricked me into taking on the Mark of Cain in order to defeat Abaddon? I trusted a demon Sam. And not just any demon but the King of Hell.
So, yeah, I think I know a little of what you're going through little brother. And even though all of that bad happened and I kept on getting screwed over again and again, it still wouldn't have prevented me from making those deals in the first place.
So, you've just got to suck it up and live with the consequences of your actions. Also, knowing that no matter what might happen, we still managed to save people, helps the infamous Winchester guilt complex. Plus, on a very good day, we even manage to save the world.
Let it go Sam. Believe me, you got off lightly considering who you made the deal with." Dean chuckled softly, trying not to make too much of a big deal out of it; trying to relay to Sam that he wasn't the only one who had made mistakes, Dean had made his fair share of mistakes to.
Sam opened his mouth, ready to argue that Dean's transgressions were nothing compared to his own, before Sam shut his mouth without uttering a word and nodded, reluctantly conceding to his older brother's twisted sense of logic, otherwise they would go around in circles about this all night and Sam still had a lot to tell his brother before he completed his confession, honouring the deal he'd made with Gabriel.
Dean breathed a sigh of relief at his younger brother's reluctant acceptance to Dean's logic and gently tried to guide his brother back to the topic at hand. "So, just to make sure I'm understanding this correctly, the Alpha told you he knew the way out of Purgatory and was willing to send a messenger into Purgatory in order to give me this information which would grant me my freedom?"
Dean deliberately left out the fact of the spell the Alpha had provided so that his messenger could return from Purgatory also. Dean also wanted to ask if this messenger of the Alpha had in fact been Benny, because that was the only vampire Dean had carried across Purgatory's gates, but by the wary suspicious look in his brother's eyes, Dean was afraid that if he pushed Sam too far, that Sam would clam up on him.
Dean would have a chance to get the answers to his questions later … although, Sam had basically confirmed for Dean that this lead vampire had in fact been Benny. And Dean would get down to the bottom of that later but for right now, he was more concerned with getting his younger brother to finish this confession so that the magically induced whip marks from the alternate world that his alternate father had caused, would disappear from his brother's back and stop causing the kid excruciating pain – like had happened earlier when the whip marks had ripped open – or the extreme uncomfortableness that they were causing Sam now, his body language portraying to Dean that the pain from those whip marks were starting to take a toll on his younger brother.
It definitely wasn't because Dean was reluctant to find out if Benny, the vampire he had trusted with his own life in Purgatory had been the one to curse his baby brother for life.
Nope. It was concern and worry for his little brother's well-being that kept Dean from asking the question he knew he should.
"What did the Alpha want in exchange for killing one of his own and passing on this information to me?" Dean asked instead of the question he really wanted to ask.
Sam glanced at his brother, shrugging uneasily now because he knew his brother; and he knew that Dean would not like his answer but there was no way Sam could stop this now.
"Blood." He answered simply and honestly.
"Excuse me? Did you say …?" Dean shook his head, more confused than before because why the hell would the Alpha need Sam to get blood for him? Surely the Alpha could get that for himself … right?
"Blood. Yes, that's what I said." Sam nodded, more than amused at his older brother's loss for words, waiting another moment before he continued. "The Alpha wanted clean, fresh, nonpoisonous blood."
Dean frowned, perplexed by his little brother's explanation. "Nonpoisonous blood? Why the hell would human blood be poisoned in the first place?"
"Vamptonite." Sam answered with a smirk, knowing that he needed only to say that one word to remind his older brother about the leviathan's plans to fatten up humans, using them as cattle and a food source by altering their DNA to become poisonous to other creatures that fed off of humans, destroying their other competition for the food source that humans provided … creatures such as vampires and werewolves, for example.
Dean's confusion vanished in an instant at that word as he recalled Dick Roman's evil and insidious plans to take over the world, demoting humans from the top of the food chain and becoming food for the leviathan's insatiable hunger.
"Oh yeah, I remember that. But didn't we stop that from spreading? I thought you and Kevin destroyed the distribution centre so that the leviathan … goo couldn't infect any more humans."
"We did." Sam sighed. "We destroyed the centre. But I later learned – from the Alpha – that the leviathan had back up distribution centres all over the country.
They weren't as big as the main distribution centre that we destroyed, but enough of the leviathan corn syrup got out into the country to infect people, which caused a hell of a lot of vampires to die."
Sam paused, letting that information settle before he sunk back onto the bed, barely holding in his groan of pain, the whip marks pulling upon his back at his continual up-right stance.
Carefully, Sam propped himself up on his pillows and tentatively leaned back to test if sitting like this would be painful or uncomfortable, but relaxed fully when the tension and the dull ache began to ease into a more manageable level as Sam laid his long legs out in front of him.
Sam wasn't surprised when a few seconds later Dean copied his brother's seating arrangement, their shoulders touching, a furrow of his brow indicating that Dean was processing and working through Sam's words.
"But … Dick Roman died. Wouldn't that have stopped the other distributions?"
"It did." Sam agreed. "After Dick Roman … exploded, the leviathan operation shut down almost immediately. There were a few leviathans who tried to fill the role of becoming the leader of the leviathan like Dick Roman, but by then, it was too late. The rest of the leviathan just didn't care anymore." Sam explained with a shrug.
"But according to the Alpha, the leviathan had developed a new and improved recipe which caused the leviathan … goo to stay in a person's body much longer, and they didn't need to eat half as much of that corn syrup for it to be poisonous to the vampire population.
Apparently, the leviathan lesser distribution centres had already started shipping out their product months before we even became aware of the leviathan's ultimate goal for taking over the world.
The main distribution centre was nothing but an elaborate diversion in order to take out you, me and anyone else who had discovered their plain in one foul swoop.
We were lured there Dean. We were supposed to "discover" their evil plans. They knew we would try to stop them; try to sabotage their operation and they had already devised a back-up plan for such an encounter.
The whole purpose of the main distribution centre was to lure us in, think that we had stopped their plan before they killed us, or experimented upon us. Either way, we'd be out of their hair once and for all."
"Huh." Was all Dean could say about that, more than a little impressed with the leviathan's foresight. He hadn't expected them to put together such an intricate plan, able to outmanoeuvre the Winchester siblings and their allies at each new discovery that they had made.
Dean had thought that the leviathan had been nothing but wild animals that reacted to their basic need of survival, to feed and gorge themselves on everything and anything they could get their hands on.
And sure, in Purgatory, once Dick Roman had died, the leviathan had reverted back to nothing but primal creatures who gave into their animalistic nature. And, by the sounds of it, the leviathan still left on Earth after their leader's demise had all slunk off into the darkness, not caring about anything or anyone, becoming as dangerous as a house cat.
But Dean had underestimated them … well, he had underestimated the power and control that Dick Roman held over his fellow leviathan, organizing the rest of them into a logical, clear headed, thinking society with goals and dreams, being able to make their dreams become a reality as they came together as one and proceeded to take over the world, fooling everyone into believing their bullshit story about wanting to help humanity by curing all human diseases.
Yeah, sure, they wanted to cure human diseases all right, but it wasn't to benefit humanity in any way. No, it was so their food source wouldn't die on them quickly or have any impurities that could be a danger to the leviathan.
It wasn't as if fooling every day, normal people was all that difficult or hard, but being able to fool experienced hunters who had seen and lived through all kinds of crazy shit; who were instantly suspicious, skeptical and critical about anyone who wanted to help out with no strings attached or hidden agendas what so ever … yeah, that took some real skill on Dick Roman's part. And Dean couldn't help but grudgingly admire the complete plan that Dick Roman had orchestrated … even the trap for them had been brilliant.
But …
"I admit that this supposed plan of luring us in and getting rid of us in one foul swoop sounds credible enough to be true. But, even if it is true … they didn't win Sammy, we did." Dean grinned over at his gloomy younger brother.
"They went to all of that trouble to lead us to the main distribution centre in order to kill us or capture us … but they didn't do either. Instead, you and Kevin took out the centre while I ganked their infallible and almost indestructible leader, Dick Roman."
Dean placed a hand upon his little brother's shoulder. "It doesn't matter what they planned or what they wanted to do to us because … we won. We killed their leader and stopped their plans for mass submission and obedience over the human race. That's what we should be concentrating on here Sammy. We won."
Dean's simplistic answer and the gleeful way that he proclaimed their victory over beings that had plotted against them, was infectious and Sam couldn't help but laugh along with his ecstatic sibling.
"I guess you have a point." Sam conceded wryly.
"Damn straight I do, Sammy." Dean agreed, grinning from ear to ear. "Because, no matter how superior they thought they were, lowly human mortals beat them and stopped their diabolical plans in their tracks."
DW SW DW SW DW SW DW SW DW SW DW
"Okay, so the vampire's food source was poisoned." Dean gently prodded his younger brother.
"That's right." Sam nodded. "A lot of vampires had died. The Alpha had advised his children to wait it out, that the leviathan poison would eventually be filtered out of people's blood and they could once again consume people without being poisoned and without dying.
But it had been two months already since Dick Roman's death and they'd had to go without human blood for months before that and they couldn't wait for too much longer.
So, thinking that the poison should be out of the blood by now, they started to feed once more … only to have them die or become so crazy that they had to be put down.
The Alpha was scared Dean," Sam admitted in a low voice. "His children were threatening mutiny if the Alpha didn't find a way to fix this. The Alpha tried to caution them and teach them patience, to counsel them that they wouldn't starve or die if they had to live off of animal blood until the toxins in humans cleared.
But the vampires were sick of doing that. And even though they could survive by drinking animal blood, a lot of them weren't as strong or healthy as they would have been if they were drinking human blood.
The vampire's started to divide into factions. They were scared and wanted the Alpha to get off his ass and do something about it."
"A vampire civil war," Dean announced in a mildly interested way. "That would be … interesting. Hey, do you think all of the vampires would waste themselves if they actually fought each other in a war?" Dean queried in an excited child-like way, because who wouldn't want to see vampires fighting each other?
Sam shook his head, smiling fondly at his older brother's child-like enthusiasm. "It sure would make our lives easier as hunters if they annihilated each other." Sam agreed, pretending to seriously consider his older brother's notions. "But, can you imagine all of the casualties that would occur in an all-out vampire civil war?
Not to mention that every day people would finally know that vampires existed, which would result in stupid manhunts to get rid of all of the vampires." Sam barely held back the smirk from his face at his older brother's exasperated, annoyed expression.
"Trust you to take all of the fun out of it." Dean muttered; his fantasy totally ruined now.
Sam couldn't help but laugh at his older brother's mock crest fallen expression. "Anyway, because the vampires were practically starving, they had become weaker, which meant taking on a normal human who hadn't been manipulated with leviathan goo was a lot more difficult and dangerous than it had been previously, which is why they would go after the more vulnerable, slower victims, but …"
"Let me guess, those people were vamptonite's and killed those vampires dead." Dean nodded in a knowing way as if all of this made perfect sense.
"That about sums it up."
"So what? Did the Alpha expect you to collect people who had no vamptonite in them in order to feed his starving children?" Dean laughed at the absurdity of that situation. Yeah, as if Sam would do something like that.
"That's exactly what the Alpha expected me to do." Sam answered too calmly and matter of fact for Dean's liking.
"Wha – tell me you're not serious!" Dean spluttered indignantly now. "How the hell did the Alpha expect you to out there and pick up a random human who is not infected with that leviathan goo? Sam, tell me you didn't do that. Tell me that you didn't offer up innocent lives to a group of blood thirsty vampires."
Sam's expression remained stoically serious, neither confirming nor denying Dean's claims, his normally expressive hazel eyes closed off, becoming unreadable to Dean as Sam continued to look at Dean in silence.
Dean shook his head, ready to dismiss these ludicrous ideas because his little brother would never stoop so low as to do that for vampires. His little brother may have a big, soft heart and he may have been desperate, but surely Sam wouldn't do something so …
Dean frowned, something flickering within his brother's eyes warned Dean that Sam wasn't fooling around here. "Sammy, please tell me you didn't do that." Dean whispered aghast at the thought that his baby brother might have been responsible for slaughtering dozens of innocent human lives all so he could honour a stupid ass deal that he'd made with the Alpha vampire for Dean's release from Purgatory.
"Sammy?" Dean half-pleaded, becoming extremely anxious the longer Sam remained silent.
Sam pursed his lips, needing another couple of minutes before he replied. "No." he whispered a tinge of condemned horror entering his tone. "I didn't hunt down innocent people so the vampires could feed and become strong again."
The relief Dean felt coursing through him at his brother's words didn't entirely relax or relieve him completely because the haunted, horrified quality he could hear in Sam's tone. Not to mention the shiftiness and edginess within Sam's eyes had his stomach clenching in nervous anxiety.
"But," Dean prompted half-heartedly, hesitantly.
"But that didn't mean I didn't consider doing it." Sam answered so softly that Dean almost missed Sam's words altogether, shame and guilt colouring Sam's checks. "I was going to do it. To get you out of Purgatory I would have done anything. But …"
Sam lowered his eyes briefly, chewing upon his bottom lip before he met his older brother's concerned, anxious green eyes once again. "I'm sorry Dean, I couldn't do it. I was fine with sacrificing my own life, but I wasn't willing to kill innocent people to do it."
"It's okay Sammy," Dean breathed a sigh of relief, so glad that his brother hadn't crossed that invisible line and given into the darkness that resided in all hunters. "Not sure if I could have done that either kiddo … even if it was your life on the line." Dean squeezed Sam's forearm reassuringly.
Sam glanced at Dean thoughtfully for a few seconds before he shook his head, smiling fondly, because his big brother would never have welched out on a deal which could have saved Sam's life. He would have sacrificed all of the innocent lives that he had to if it meant he could get Sam back. And then he would have beaten himself up with the guilt of his actions for the rest of his life.
"Bet the Alpha didn't take your rejection to his deal well." Dean coughed, quickly changing the subject when Sam looked at him with those big hero worshiping eyes.
"Yeah, not so well." Sam scoffed, remembering the furious look within the Alpha's eyes when Sam had politely refused his offer. "Especially since he'd already fulfilled his end of the deal by sending his messenger to Purgatory as a sign of good faith and commitment. He was a tad … livid."
Sam chuckled humourlessly. "I honestly thought I wouldn't live to see another day. The Alpha had been so convinced that I was so desperate that I would do whatever he suggested. I think he was embarrassed more than anything else because he had underestimated my character completely.
You can't really blame him. This was probably the first time the Alpha had felt true fear in all of his existence. His race was on the verge of extinction; his children were rising up to revolt against him because they were hungry and scared."
Sam paused thoughtfully. "You know, I think those seven vampires that he sent to retrieve me were the only vampires that still believed and trusted in him, remaining loyal to him even when their brothers and sisters were prepared to overthrow the Alpha. And now, because of me, the Alpha only had five loyal children, ready to do his bidding. I know he's a monster and all, but … I kind of felt sorry for the guy."
"Of course, you did." Dean snorted, rolling his eyes sarcastically. That was so … Sam. To feel compassion for a monster? Yeah, only his big-hearted baby brother could do that. Which is what had made it easier to manipulate and prey on the youngest Winchester. All you had to do was to tell Sam a sad, heart wrenching story and he would do everything in his power to help you.
Kid was lucky that he had Dean around. Dean could spot a manipulative and BS story a mile away. Plus, with his borderline, almost pathological cynical, suspicious nature, it wasn't very often someone managed to pull the wool over his eyes, and he would warn his bleeding-heart younger brother of the dangers involved in trusting the wrong person.
Obviously, Dean's lessons had fallen on deaf ears because as soon as Dean was out of the picture – Hell, Purgatory – Sam immediately became a victim to the monsters' manipulative skills … Ruby being a prime example of that.
Dread began to fill Dean as he recalled some of Sam's earlier words that hadn't made sense at the time – like vampires being addicted to his blood – understanding now hitting him, even as he prayed his suspicions were wrong.
"Sammy," Dean began, trying to keep his tone neutral and calm even though his heart was beating wildly in his chest in horror at what he knew his brother had done in order to fulfil the bargain he had made with the Alpha.
"Yes Dean?" Sam answered warily, something in his brother's tone or expression alerting Sam to the fact that Dean was desperately trying to keep his raging emotions in check.
"What did you do?"
Sam frowned, puzzled by his brother's question.
"You offered yourself up, didn't you? You offered to be … food for those damn vampires, didn't you Sam?"
Sam's confusion vanished in an instant, not able to stand the anguished, accusing look within Dean's green eyes as he lowered his eyes to his hands which were still situated upon his upper thighs and were beginning to shake slightly.
Now. Now Sam was starting to get into murky water. Now was the beginning of Sam's shame and humiliation which would ultimately lead to Sam becoming nothing more than a blood hoar, who would willingly do the bidding of those vampires in order to get his daily drug fix so that he could pretend that he was anywhere else, rather than where he was.
Sam swallowed convulsively, his palms beginning to sweat, panic and fear beginning to surge within him because now … now would be the ultimate test for Dean. Now Sam would know whether Dean still wanted to stick beside him or if he'd finally had enough of Sam's dramas and screw-ups and decided to leave Sam's ass behind forever.
"Sam?"
Sam jumped at the gentle hand that rested upon his shoulder, tears gathering in his eyes, trying to control his breathing and not descend into the panic induced terror that wanted to consume him.
"Look at me,"
Memories came at Sam hard and fast, internally recoiling at the comforting, reassuring hand that lay upon the back of his neck, desperately trying to push through the memoires that suddenly assaulted him.
Not now, Sam silently pleaded. Don't you dare fall apart now! He reprimanded himself sternly.
He had to remain strong. He had to finish this. He couldn't fall apart now. Dean … Sam swallowed hard; Sam couldn't show any sign of weakness in front of his fearless older brother because that would cause Dean's protective instincts to flare to life, wanting to go on a murderous rampage. But Dean would never be able to follow through with that rampage because all of the vampires involved in his captivity – excluding the Alpha, and there was no way Sam would let Dean go after him! – were all dead.
"Hey, c'mon kiddo, look at me."
Sam closed his eyes at Dean's softly spoken demand-plea, determined to lock his damn emotions up as he quickly pushed those images to the back of his mind, angrily willing himself to stop shaking like some damn frightened little kid; composing himself as best as he could before he reopened his eyes and finally risked looking into his beloved older brother's green eyes, his hands clenched into fists in order to remain in control of his increasingly churning emotions, Dean's sympathetic, worried eyes searching Sam's expression almost frantically before his lips stretched into his patented big brother calm-Sammy-the-fuck-down smile.
"There we go," Dean applauded his younger brother, concerned at the wild, terrified look he could see within his brother's hazel eyes, automatically offering Sam a reassuring smile, squeezing Sam's neck in a soothing manner, his other hand covering Sam's clenched fists in an effort to calm his little brother down.
"I'm with you Sammy, you know that, right? No matter what you tell me," Dean continued in a low soothing, sincere tone. "It won't change anything. You get that, right?"
A shaky, abrupt, almost hysterical chuckle erupted from Sam, his bottom lip wobbling before Sam pulled his bottom lip under his top teeth and chewed upon his lip in nervous anxiety, a brief flicker of hope flaring within those big hazel eyes, hoping beyond hope that what he heard next wouldn't change Dean's opinion of him.
"Well, on the plus side, if you stick with me after you hear this … then nothing will scare you off." Sam announced in a dry, cynical manner.
Sam took a deep breath and let it out slowly, facing his older brother's worried, concerned gaze. "Dean, if you … if this is too much and you can't … if you can't stand the sight of me after this, I'll understand if you want me to leave." Sam held Dean's gaze for several long seconds, hoping Dean could see the genuine honestly and forgiveness within his eyes. "Don't feel bad if that's how you feel Dean because all of this is a lot to take in as it is with an obedience curse and all.
But now … now you'll truly learn about things I never wanted you to know. This is why I didn't say anything to you. This is why I let you think I didn't look for you and settled down for a normal life. This is why I lied to you for all of these years because I … I never wanted you to know how far I'd fallen … yet again … how far off the deep end I became; how much they … after a few months they … they broke me." Sam choked up on that word because Winchester men didn't break, no matter what situation they found themselves in.
Sam hurriedly averted his gaze in order to get himself back under control, not wanting to see the condemnation or pity upon Dean's expression; trying to prepare himself emotionally to reveal to his big brother, his idol, his hero about the second biggest failure in his life.
TBC