Magic sparkled in Papyrus' sockets as he took his first sip of steaming hot cocoa. It seemed that the festive drink was enough to return some of his lost vitality to him.
"STUPENDOUSLY DELICIOUS AS ALWAYS!" He exclaimed, seemingly unaware of the small whipped cream mustache that had been left on his face. "THANK YOU TORIEL!"
Toriel chuckled from her place beside him on the couch, taking a sip of her own mug of warm milk before replying.
"You are most welcome, my friend." She said, before quirking a brow at him playfully. "But I mustache you about your fashionable new facial hair."
"NYEH? WHAT DO YOU-" He began to ask, before reaching up to touch his face and realizing what was there.
He grumbled at both the pun, and the offending dairy product as he wiped it away. Somehow though… he seemed a little bit more genuinely upset by the bit of teasing than usual. The annoyance seemed deeper, and lingered longer in his expression. Just enough to be noticed. Any humor she felt quickly faded upon seeing that.
She considered questioning him, but he was looking at her expectantly in regards to the conversation at hand. So she let it be for the moment, partially because she had a feeling the answer may come naturally before long. The atmosphere was suddenly heavy again, not at all something she was used to experiencing with the usually exuberant skeleton.
"Now then, I do not know how long we will have but… please, do tell me how you are feeling about all this." She implored.
Papyrus fidgeted with his mug a bit, clearly trying to sort out how to best articulate his thoughts. She could practically see them all spiraling over his head, each vying to be the first expressed aloud.
"I… I'M FRUSTRATED I SUPPOSE." He eventually managed, a touch uncertainly. "I UNDERSTAND THAT SANS IS UPSET, MOST UNDERSTANDABLY SO!, AND IS ONLY TRYING TO PROTECT ME. BUT…"
He frowned, a mixture of sadness and annoyance evident in his expression.
"I DON'T FEEL LIKE HE TRUSTS ME, ITS LIKE HE DOESN'T THINK I CAN MAKE IMPORTANT DECISIONS FOR MYSELF, OR HANDLE DIFFICULT SITUATIONS." He clarified, before narrowing his sockets and looking down towards the floor. "JUST LIKE UNDYNE DOESN'T…"
Toriel blinked, somewhat surprised by that last part.
"What makes you say that?" She asked, keeping her voice collected and hopefully comforting.
The skeleton heaved a sigh, clacking his top and bottom teeth against each other a bit in thought. He was hesitant to share his reasonings, but eventually it seemed the chance to finally discuss this with someone was too tempting to ignore.
"I KNOW WHY UNDYNE NEVER LET ME INTO THE ROYAL GUARD." He declared, wincing a bit after as though he expected the fish monster to come leaping in through the window. "I OVERHEARD HER SAY HER REASONS TO FRISK… WHEN I WAS TRYING TO HELP THE TWO OF THEM BECOME FRIENDS."
He puffed up a bit as he slipped into full on storytelling mode, regaining a bit of his usual bravado if only for the sake of relaying the tale.
"I EXPERTLY MADE A DISCRETE EXIT SO THAT THE TWO WOULD HAVE THE CHANCE TO START BONDING!" He explained with a grin. "BUT I HID JUST OUTSIDE AFTERWARDS SO I COULD MAKE SURE IT WAS ALL GOING WELL."
His temporary smile fell then, replaced again by that pained and even embittered expression that was felt so foreign on his face.
"SHE SAID I WAS... TOO INNOCENT AND NICE TO BE ABLE TO BE IN THE GUARD. DESPITE MY ALL GREAT SKILLS AT FIGHTING. ALL THOSE COOKING LESSONS AND OTHER "TRAININGS" IT WAS ALL JUST… A TRICK, TO TRY AND MAKE ME WANT TO DO SOMETHING ELSE INSTEAD. RATHER THAN JUST TELLING ME THE TRUTH OF HOW SHE FELT."
He drew in on himself a little, making him all of a sudden appear quite small.
"EVER SINCE I HEARD THAT... I'VE NOTICED MORE AND MORE THAT OTHERS TREAT ME LIKE THAT TOO. I FEEL LIKE SANS... MIGHT DO IT MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE. HE'S ESPECIALLY DOING IT RIGHT NOW."
For a few moments, he looked somewhat defeated, deflating a bit where he sat. But then in a flash, he sat straight up again, sockets flashing with fiercer indignation.
"BUT IT'S NOT RIGHT! I'M NOT A CHILD OR SOMEONE WHO CANNOT THINK AND FEND FOR HIMSELF! JUST BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO SEE HOPE WHERE OTHERS DON'T DOESN'T MEAN I AM BLIND TO REALITY." He declared, curling his gloved hands tighter around his mug.
His breathing grew a bit unsteady in the wake of his words, as though saying all that had winded him. But there was no regret in his sockets to be seen. No, it was Toriel who felt regret, and plenty of guilt too. Papyrus hadn't mentioned her by name in all that as he had others, but she knew that she was not innocent of the behavior he was talking about.
"I see…" She replied sadly, taking another small sip of milk before lowering the mug to her lap. "I am truly sorry if I ever made you feel as though I were treating you unfairly in that regard as well, my friend. I do not doubt that I have, and you are right in that you deserve better than that. Regardless of what my own intentions were. "
Papyrus blinked, clearly a touch taken aback to actually be having this conversation, and receiving an apology in turn. He'd likely imagined such things privately for some time, but it was quite a different experience to have it occur in reality. Some of the remorseful weight in Toriel's chest lifted when Papyrus' expression softened and he offered her a small smile.
"THANK YOU TORIEL." He replied warmly, in a softer tone than usual. "THAT MEANS A LOT."
Her apology seemed to further bolster his confidence to continue, but it didn't stop the sadness from returning to his face. He shifted uncomfortably where he sat, tapping the handle of his mug.
"I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY ALL THAT TO SANS WITHOUT HIM GETTING EVEN MORE UPSET. I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM THIS ANGRY IN A LONG TIME…"
There was a pause, as he appeared to be remembering something, but he shook himself out of whatever it was rather quickly.
"BUT I WANT TO BE ABLE TO TALK MORE ABOUT THIS WITH HIM! I DON'T THINK IT'S RIGHT OF US TO JUST LEAVE DAD TO DIE ALONE IN THAT THING..." He exclaimed, looking at Toriel with a plea for understanding. "I KNOW HE'S A VERY BAD PERSON TORIEL, I DO. AND I KNOW THERE'S BASICALLY NO CHANCE OF HIM CHANGING FROM THAT AT THIS POINT..."
The skeleton set his jaw, confliction evident in his expression. Toriel's soul ached for him. There was no doubt that this situation was straining Papyrus' own moral compass. Even for someone like him, there was no clear right or wrong answer as to what to do.
"BUT SHOULDN'T WE TRY TO AT LEAST MAKE HIM SEE THAT HE'S BEEN IN THE WRONG?" He continued, trying and failing to have a hopeful tone to his voice. "LET HIM SEE HOW US ALL LIVING HAPPILY UP HERE IN SPITE OF ALL THE HATRED HE HAS TOWARDS HUMANS PROVES HIM WRONG? THERE'S A LOT MORE THAT WE CAN DO IN HIS FINAL DAYS THAN JUST… LETTING HIM WASTE AWAY TO DUST IN THERE. I DON'T SEE HOW IT'S GOOD TO TREAT HIM WITH THE SAME EVIL THAT HE DID TOWARDS US. THAT WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING! AND HE'LL DIE… STILL FEELING VINDICATED AND FULL OF HATE."
He sighed heavily, deflating even more and setting his mug down on the coffee table between them.
"AT THE VERY LEAST… I WANT TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO HIM BEFORE HE'S GONE FOREVER. AND JUST… ASK A FEW THINGS. THINGS I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW. ABOUT MYSELF AND MY BROTHER. I REMEMBER THE THINGS HE DID TO US NOW BUT... IT SOMETIMES STILLS JUST FEELS LIKE A BAD DREAM. ITS HARD TO REALLY GRASP IT AS REAL. I THINK... I THINK IF TALKED TO HIM, I'D BE ABLE TO ACCEPT IT BETTER."
He spoke while looking down, but once again looked up at her imploringly, seeking both understanding and advice. Toriel felt her own unease tighten up in her chest, and it took her a long moment to reply. She sighed, finished her last sip of milk, and set the mug down beside his before she replied.
"I understand Papyrus, I truly do." She said, crossing her paws in her lap. "It is just… the situation is not that simple. Gaster has caused such incredible harm to so many… just among those who survived his depraved experiments, and for some they are still coming to terms with that harm after having those memories locked away. Some of them are bound to feel hurt or betrayed if we choose to show the one who harmed them and so many others any level of kindness."
A slight twinge of pain on her leg revealed that her claws had slid out by instinct, and she curled her paws into fists rather than attempt to retract them again. The image of her dear skeleton had drifted back to the forefront of her mind. Of him wracked with nightmares that long night after he'd first told her of his father's terrible crimes. Of him staring right through her, eyelight ablaze and bone attacks at the ready, consumed by a fear and anguish she would never truly grasp the depth of.
"As for your brother… I do not think I need to remind you that the worst of Gaster's abuse and neglect was directed towards him back then. And he had to carry the pain of that alone for… a very very long time."
The air felt heavy in the wake of those words. They seemed to bring the harsh reality of the situation crashing down on Papyrus once again, and sorrow quickly overrode every other emotion on his face.
"I KNOW…" He lamented, staring downwards as he thought of Sans. "IT MAKE SENSE THAT HE'S REALLY NOT COPING WITH THIS WELL AT ALL. I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW HE MUST BE FEELING. HE WAS SO ANGRY BEFORE… I HOPE HE DOESN'T RUN OFF OR GIVE ME THE SILENT TREATMENT FOR WHAT I SAID."
Even as her soul ached at the reminder of all Sans had been through, Toriel offered a small, reassuring smile.
"Had this happened early last year, I would be much more worried. But I know he has grown a lot since then, more than I ever expected! He is far better equipped to handle something like this now. I am sure he will get through it just fine given time. Though like most things with him, it will likely not be resolved right away."
She gave him an imploring look of her own, though hers was paired with a more hopeful expression.
"Be patient with him, my friend. Let him cool down and I am sure he will return more open to listening. But on your end, I must suggest you also try and see things from his point of view."
Her brief smile faltered some then, and her red eyes grew hazy as her own memories and experiences rose to the forefront of her thoughts. She worried her lip with her fangs for a moment, unsure whether to share further. But the feeling she had that it would encourage further understanding on Papyrus' part made her push on.
"One's own pain can damage their ability to think reasonably, and it can make even doing the right thing utterly agonizing." She said, a hint of regret weighing down her tone. "I… more than understand that, as I suppose is obvious. I know just what a difficult thing it is to push through those feelings and think with logic and understanding when your soul feels like it is being torn apart within you just by the mere mention of… whoever has caused that pain."
She only barely caught herself from saying his name. Even now, she didn't want to call attention to it, lest her unruly emotional state decide to try and stoke the old fires of her past grudges within her. She made an effort to move back to the subject at hand before there was any chance to linger on her own struggles.
"Sans is feeling a similar pain now. So just… keep that in mind when you talk to him again. Just as you would not expect someone with a wounded leg to walk as they normally do, someone with wounded soul will not process their emotions as expected either."
She'd slipped into a bit of her teacher voice there and Papyrus clearly noticed. He chuckled a bit into his glove.
"NYEH HEH, YOU ALWAYS PHRASE THINGS IN SUCH A UNIQUE WAY TORIEL." He noted, a feeling of warmth that had been absent before entering his voice. "I AM FOREVER GLAD SANS HAS YOU IN HIS LIFE."
With that, he suddenly stood up from his chair to strike on of his usual poses. The motion sent the poor dog tumbling to the floor, but the pup recovered quickly and made quick work of going in to chew on Papyrus' boot. The skeleton didn't seem to notice, fully focused on the speech he was making.
"I PROMISE YOU THAT I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL FIND SOME WAY FOR ME AND MY BROTHER TO DISCUSS THIS TOPIC IN A WAY THAT IS NOT TOO MUCH FOR EITHER OF US. WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH WORSE AFTER ALL! WE WON'T LET SOMETHING LIKE THIS DRIVE ANY WEDGES BETWEEN US!" He vowed, brimming with the return of some of his old confidence.
Toriel smiled up at him, feeling a bit of relief. Part of her had worried their earlier argument would spiral into something worse. But Papyrus' evident drive to fix things gave her hope that her worries were unfounded.
"I have full confidence in you." She assured him with an approving nod.
He seemed happy to hear that at first, but as before, that initial positive reaction faded into something more somber.
"BUT NOT… ABOUT TALKING TO MY DAD, RIGHT?"
She internally winced a bit at that, feeling his knowing gaze on her as she briefly looked down and away by instinct. She had known the subject was coming, she had just partially hoped that it would be Sans would had this talk with his brother before her. There was always the risk of contradicting whatever Sans said to him later. But she couldn't not reply, not when he was looking at her like that… on top of the guilt his admission had already stirred in her.
"Me and your brother are just worried Papyrus." She said after letting out a soft sigh and looking up at him. "Gaster has shown he knows how to manipulate people, even in his pitiful state. He uses his words to hurt now that he can no longer cause physical harm. He may even do his best to trick you into letting him escape. Every word out of his mouth is poison and lies, Sans and I both just don't want him to be able to hurt you. Or to trick you into doing something for his own gain."
Papyrus huffed a bit, crossing his arms and standing up tall.
"AND I AM EASY TO TRICK?" He shot back, before clearing regretting his snappiness and going on in a softer tone. "I GUESS I CANNOT FULLY ARGUE WITH THAT. AFTER ALL, FLOWEY FOOLED ME MANY TIMES BACK IN THE UNDERGROUND INTO THINKING HE WAS MY FRIEND. UNDYNE WAS ABLE TO KEEP HER TRUE FEELINGS ABOUT ME JOINING THE GUARD EASILY CONCEALED… AND SANS WAS ABLE TO LIE TO ME ABOUT… WELL… EVERYTHING. FOR YEARS."
His words carried the weight of baggage that was getting harder for the skeleton to ignore, and Toriel's soul panged for him. It was awful to see Papyrus, usually so bright and full of life, wearing an expression far more like his brother's on one of his bad days.
Feeling her nurturing instincts flare to life inside her, she got up from the couch and walked over to him. She would have liked to gather him up in a hug, but that didn't seem like it would be the most welcome thing at the moment, especially given all Papyrus had been talking about. She settled with laying a paw on his shoulder, scarlet eyes full of sympathy.
"I am sorry, I suppose I am doing it again, am I not?" She said, slowly shaking her head in exasperation at herself. "I apologize, I hope you do not think I mean to belittle you."
Papyrus smiled at that, though it still failed to match his usual ones. He reached up and gave her paw a thankful squeeze.
"IT IS OKAY." He assured her, tone lightening. "YOU RECOGNIZE IT NOW AT LEAST. I UNDERSTAND IT MORE COMING FROM YOU. YOU WORRY A LOT ABOUT EVERYONE DEEP DOWN, NYEH HEH. WHY, IF YOU LET ME WALTZ IN THERE WITHOUT A WORD, I'D BE CONVINCED YOU WERE AN IMPOSTER!"
The small attempt at humor did manage to coax a small laugh out of both of them, though Papyrus once again sobered up quickly. He turned and looked at the hallway for a long moment, then faced Toriel again with a resolute expression.
"I APPRECIATE AND UNDERSTAND YOURS AND SANS' CONCERNS." He said, kindly shrugging off her paw. "I'LL SEE WHAT TALKING TO MY BROTHER ACCOMPLISHES AND THEN… WELL…"
Whatever he intended to say then, it was interrupted then not by a sound, but a flash of light. Both she and Papyrus looked over to the entryway into the kitchen, squinting and blinking against the brief assault on their eyes. But even through all that, they could both see Sans had appeared in the spot the light had been.
The skeleton looked weary and stiff, but notably, not drunk. Though Toriel would reserve confirming that observation for later. For now, she was just happy to see he'd returned in a decent state of mind from the looks of things. Part of her had been expecting, despite his promises, that she'd end up having to go and pick him up from Grillby's. Or that he'd show up a wreck after succumbing to temptation and utterly overindulging at the bar.
But lo and behold, it looked as though he had indeed held true to his word. For one who still really didn't like making promises, he seemed to be getting a lot better at keeping them. Though that clearly hadn't helped him shake all the intense emotions the day's events had brought on. Even now, his expression was grim, his eyelights were dull, and he didn't totally loosen up upon looking over at them either.
"AH! BROTHER! YOU'VE… RETURNED…" Papyus said, beginning the exclamation with what was to be an enthusiastic hug, but remembering himself and the events prior before he could reach the smaller skeleton.
Thankfully, Sans did step over to talk with his brother rather than making a hasty excuse to avoid the situation. Though he did look understandably uneasy about speaking to Papyrus, he clearly recognized that it had to be done. He couldn't leave things as they had been after their argument.
"hey bro." He replied back, rubbing the back of his skull before letting out a heavy sigh. "yah, sorry for the holdup… wasn't for the reason you might think, i just ended up talking with grillbz for a while. the guys a real good listener, always has been. he helped me chill out a bit, ironically. heh."
He slipped his hands into his hoodie pockets and looked down at his feet for a moment.
"i owe him a lot for putting up with me all these years." He said, closing his sockets briefly.
When he reopened them, he lifted his gaze back up to Papyrus. Sweat dotted his skull as he struggled to find the right words to say, but in the end he seemed to go with the most simple ones he could.
"Look pap… i'm… i'm real sorry for blowing up at ya earlier." He apologized, weariness and guilt weighing down the words. "i shouldn't be taking any of this out on you."
That was all the incentive Papyrus needed to return to his original plan. He leaned down and scooped his brother up in a tight hug. Though a certain somberness remained in his expression, even as he did his best to sound like his cheery self.
"IT IS ALRIGHT SANS! I FORGIVE YOU." He assured him, giving him another squeeze before holding him out in front of him to speak to him more easily. "AND I AM SORRY TOO, FOR NOT CONSIDERING HOW UPSET ALL THIS WAS MAKING YOU, AND FOR MAKING THINGS WORSE IN THAT REGARD…"
He hesitated a moment, brows creasing and jaw working as he internally wrestled his conflicted feelings. Soon enough, his expression softened into something imploring yet still resolute.
"DO YOU THINK WE CAN AT LEAST… TALK ABOUT IT THOUGH? JUST YOU AND ME? WHEN YOU FEEL UP TO IT OF COURSE… "
The words were met with silence by Sans at first, who looked a bit surprised to hear the question. He quirked a brow ridge at his brother, but eventually just shrugged his shoulders in response. It wasn't dismissive, but it likely wasn't exactly what Papyrus wanted to see from him either.
"yeah, alright bro." He conceded with a nod, as his sockets slid to only be half-open. "we can do that… just not right now, okay?"
Papyrus offered a brighter smile in response, but still not as strong as his usual one. He was clearly pleased at Sans' agreement, but Toriel suspected he had been hoping for more from his brother.
"THAT'S FINE!" He assured Sans rather quickly as he carefully set his brother down back on his feet. "I PROMISE NOT TO DO ANYTHING UNTIL THEN."
Sans gave a small nod of acknowledgement to that before his gaze was inevitably drawn back to entrance to the hallway.
"thanks…" He replied to Papyrus a beat late and without looking at him.
There was sincerity in his voice, but it was clear that Sans' focus was still elsewhere, in much darker places than his brother. Toriel took that as a good opportunity to step over as well, able to gain his attention by gently resting her paw on his shoulder. He stiffened for a flash but then quickly relaxed as he recognized her touch. Toriel felt his thin phalanges curl around as much of her paw as they could, offering a small, affectionate squeeze. It was a familiar gesture that offered a little comfort to them both.
She met his gaze, seeing the more raw pain and exhaustion that was there now that his anger's strength had waned for the moment. It would be back surely, but for now it had all but burned him out. They communicated without words then, as she read the silent plea she could see in his eyelights. She and him would talk later, but for now he just needed to rest, something he could only really do once his business with Gaster was done for the time being.
She offered a small nod in return, and that was enough for him. After squeezing her paw one more time, he let it go and took a step towards the hallway.
"welp, guess i better deliver the temporary verdict to ol g'." He sighed, rolling his shoulders. "for now… he's staying where he is."
Papyrus fidgeted a bit with his gloves, clearly not entirely happy with that answer, but not about to openly oppose it either.
"ALRIGHT…" He conceded in a softer tone. "JUST BE CAREFUL, BROTHER."
Sans replied with only a quiet sound of acknowledgment before he headed out of the room. Toriel felt a slight chill run through her as she watched him disappear into the gloom of the unnaturally dark hallway.
...
With Sans busy dealing with Gaster, Toriel returned to a task she knew she couldn't neglect. As wretched as the monster trapped in their guest room was, it would do none of them any good if he simply starved to death before any sort of closure could happen. So it fell to her to find something to give the ghoulish monster to eat. Usually cooking was one of her most treasured activities, but today she would rather be doing anything else.
She stared into her cabinets with a frustrated expression, scanning for potential options. She didn't want to give him anything that would make him think he was going to receive any sort of five star treatment, but she also didn't want to give him something so insubstantial that it wouldn't keep him alive in his fragile state. There was no easy answer. It didn't help that the little one was stirring up her magic either. Nausea was the enemy of any culinary endeavor.
She sighed and rubbed a bit at her middle, trying to appease the little soul enough to get it to settle. With them still being so small though, there was only so much she could do to actually affect them directly.
The sound of familiar soft footfalls behind her pulled her from her thoughts and she turned around to see Sans stepping into the kitchen. He had his head down, so she couldn't really see his face, but his posture wasn't too stiff. Perhaps that was a good sign? As good of one as there could be in a situation like this anyway.
"Oh, that was rather fast." She said, stepping over to meet him halfway. "How did… it go?"
He wheezed out a humorless chuckle through his teeth before lifting his gaze up to meet hers. Stars above he looked so tired… It had been a while since the dark circles under his sockets had been that dark.
"s' like i said. i told em he's staying put in that thing until further notice, or until the reaper comes to claim him." He replied with an attempt at a casual shrug of his shoulders. "and that if he tries anything, well… he's gonna have a bad time."
Once the lights returned to his sockets, he scratched absently at where his undershirt met his neck vertebrae, clearly doing his best to sound and appear as normal as possible.
"that's about it. he didn't seem to have anything to say back, other than to laugh in my face. and frankly, i don't want to look at his ugly mug any more than i hav'ta. at least for now."
It was the first small slip of anger she'd seen since he'd returned, but it revealed just how fragile his current composure actually was beneath that well mastered mask. Seeing that almost made her second guess what she was about to do, but she knew that keeping what she'd done in his absence under wraps wouldn't do anything but hurt them both in the long run.
"Part of that may have been because I talked to him while you were gone." She admitted bluntly. "I had a lot of things I needed to say to him, and he was certainly chatty. But it left him in a rather weary state."
Sans did looked surprised by that, and his eyelights wavered slightly with some emotion that she couldn't quite catch before the moment passed. But any tension that might have been there evaporated just as quickly as it had come.
"hmm… guess that makes sense." He conceded with another shrug, slipping his hands into his pockets.
There was a pause, and his expression hardened slightly with another sudden seriousness.
"did he… say anything that hurt you?"
Though she was somewhat confused by his tone, the question was not an unexpected one. She shook her head, giving him a reassuring look.
"No dear. He certainly tried to get under my skin plenty of times, and attempted to reopen old wounds, but I was prepared for that. It was not a pleasant experience by any means, and I did lose my patience more than once. But I am glad that I got to say the things I did without being driven to doing something I would have regretted."
He hummed softly in acknowledgement, looking down at nothing in particular. His expression was rather unreadable, and for a moment, Toriel worried he might have found some reason to be hurt by her decision to speak to his father again. But rather than probe deeper on that, he instead leaned to the side a bit to look at the open pantry behind her.
"whatcha' doing?" He asked, changing the subject rather quickly.
In usual circumstances she would be cross at him for that, but in this case she was more than happy to move on to talking about something else. Even if the subject wouldn't be as much lighter as Sans was likely hoping.
"Well... I figured we will need to give him something to eat eventually." She said, turning back to the pantry. "But... I am not exactly sure what I should make for him."
Sans stepped up to her side with a dry chuckle, one that seemed to have a dark edge to it.
"how about a bowl full of the pup's "dog residue."" He suggested, his grin growing tight at the edges. "and throw it in that containment unit so he has to eat it off the floor. he and his cronies did that plenty of times to me."
Toriel couldn't help but wince a bit at his tone. She looked down at him with heavy eyes, soul strained with conflicted feelings.
"Do you... really think I should do that?" She asked earnestly.
He clearly wasn't expecting such a reply and met her gaze in surprise. There was a long moment where he said nothing, where only the wavering glow of his eyelights and the sweat dotting his skull revealed his inner conflict. But then he deflated with a sigh, his sockets only barely remaining open.
"no… " He answered quietly, leaning into her side a bit. "you aren't that kinda person…"
"And neither are you, love." She replied promptly, slipping an arm around him and holding him close for a few moments.
He had nothing to say to that it seemed. Only another strained, quiet chuckle met her ears. He remained in her half-embrace for some time before speaking again.
"i think i oughta go lie down for a bit…" He murmured, all signs of his earlier anger having dissolved into a miserable exhaustion. "then... maybe i'll try to have that talk with pap."
Toriel nodded, running a paw comfortingly down his arm. A small spark of warmth welled in her soul, proud of him for taking initiative on that even in his current state.
"That sounds like a good idea. I am sure you two can find a compromise in what you wish to do." She agreed, leaning down to press a little kiss to the top of his skull. "I will come wake you if anything happens."
A light dusting of a blush colored his cheekbones as he made a soft sound of acknowledgment. But rather than pull away right away, he turned his skull and nuzzled into her side with another sigh.
"wish you'd come with me." He murmured, almost inaudible by how her dress muffled his words.
She smiled a little despite herself and gave him another consoling stroke.
"I know. But with everything going on… one of us should be out here monitoring the situation. At least for the time being. Until we know for sure what our plan is going forward."
The reply that came was a grumble of vexation but also acceptance.
"you're right, as usual." He conceded, offering her a weary smile as he stepped back to face her. "thanks for being so willing to deal with this… i know i haven't exactly been helpful. it's just… this whole thing is so…"
She cut him off by gently laying her paw against his cheekbone and sweeping her thumb across it. He leaned into her touch a bit without hesitation, looking as though he were struggling to keep his sockets open.
"You do not have to explain, love. You were willing to do the same for me when I was faced with something of a similar situation, were you not? And stars knows I had far less of an excuse to be acting the way I was then."
He gave her a brief look for that, a silent reminder not to disparage herself, and that it wasn't truly fair to compare the situations. But she could tell he understood the point of her words as well. She gave him an apologetic smile and another quick little kiss on the forehead.
"I am happy to do whatever I can to help make this easier for you." She assured him. "We are all going to get through this. Now go on and rest."
There was a long moment where she thought he might argue with her, as he stared up at her with a great mix of emotions shining in his eyelights. But he eventually closed his sockets and nodded.
"alright." He agreed softly, before taking a small step back and shooting her a wink. "thanks t. seriously. don't know what i'd do without ya."
Then, in another blink of her eyes, he was gone. With only a faint magical charge in the air signaling the shortcut he'd taken.
...
The doorknob to the guest room felt cold to the touch and far heavier than it should in Toriel's paw. It was if the unnatural darkness on the other side of it had drained it of all its warmth once it had run out of light to consumed. It all sent a chill down her spine despite herself. But she wasn't about to let her nerves get the better of her now. She knew what to expect, and she wouldn't let this drag on into another one of his games.
She was here to give him his food and leave, nothing more, nothing less.
She steeled herself, honing on that singular goal as to hopefully keep any distractions he attempted to present from penetrating her focus. She took a deep breath to settle her inner fire, let it out slowly, then pulled opened the door.
Her attempt at controlled composure was almost shattered instantly once her eyes rested upon the room's prisoner. He was inches from the glass, staring straight at her with empty sockets wide and oozing. The intensity of the gaze was downright oppressive, and the twisted nature of his grin was downright unhinged. It all briefly stopped her in her tracks. He clearly had known she was coming and knew exactly how to unnerve her, the devil. But she couldn't let him get to her. She just had to focus.
"AH… SO YOU DID TRULY INTEND TO PROVIDE ME WITH SUSTENANCE AFTER ALL." The ghoulish monster rasped, even the machine translating his words sounding somewhat slurred.
Toriel ignored the crawling sense of unease in her gut and stepped forward, not breaking eye contact with Gaster. She held out the bowl of food she'd prepared for him, allowing him to see what it was.
"It is just a simple porridge with some soft fruit pieces." She explained, tone flat and devoid of emotion. "I figured you were not exactly in the best state to be eating anything too complicated."
She turned then to the control panel on the front of the containment unit, reaching down to press the sequence of buttons Alphys had told her to use. It opened up a small circular opening in the face of the console and extended out a tray on which to place the meal.
"NOR AM I DESERVING OF ANYTHING BETTER?" Gaster mockingly added to her sentence with a wheezy chuckle. "YOU DON'T HAVE TO JUSTIFY YOUR COOKING TO ME, TORIEL. I AM CONVINCED YOU COULD MAKE EVEN THE WORST OF CUISINE PALATABLE."
She said nothing as she set the paper bowl of porridge, a bottle of water, and a plastic spoon on the tray and pressed the same button again. The tray retracted and the opening shut tight as the inner mechanisms moved the tray of food through the console to be accessible through Gaster's side of the glass. Only then did he direct his gaze away from her to watch his meal slide towards him.
It opened on his side with a whirring sound and extended the tray out towards him. She watched as his expression shifted into a kind of gleeful amusement as he probed at the food. He didn't use his disfigured hands, which remained hidden in his amorphous form, but instead the long black tendrils that he'd demonstrated before. He wrapped up the spoon in the dark magic and shakily scooped out some of the porridge. All without moving the rest of his body at all. It would almost be fascinating to watch, if she weren't so utterly disgusted by the monster before her.
He popped the spoon into his mouth with hardly any hesitation, a sudden eagerness sending a quiver through his body. It seemed though that his disfigured jaw no longer allowed him to fully close his mouth, so some of the food inevitably spilled out down his skull. But if Gaster cared about or even noticed that fact, he did not show it.
"NOT POISONED? HOW SURPRISING." He chuckled before narrowing his sockets at her. "BUT THEN AGAIN, I GUESS THAT WAS YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE HUMAN CHILD'S CALLING CARD, NOT YOUR OWN."
He was doing it again, baiting her to anger. She had to resist it, even though those words did make wish for one dark moment she had simply poured every hazardous chemical she had at her disposal into that bowl. It took a lot of willpower to keep her expression stony and say nothing.
Gaster let out a little hum of amusement at her lack of reaction and turned his attention back to his meal, scooping another spoonful of porridge into his twisted mess of a mouth. Despite the act of eating clearly not being easy for him, his sockets crinkled in what seemed to be some emotion close to happiness. One that seemed most alien and unnerving on a monster like him.
"AH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA… HOW LOVELY IT IS… TO EAT REAL FOOD AGAIN…" He rasped out, between rather disgusting attempts at chewing up the food. "I FEEL IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO TRULY DESCRIBE THE JOY OF IT…"
It was difficult to tell why he was bothering to say this. More manipulation most likely, but it was probably also true on some level. If Gaster's cold and cruel soul was even truly capable of appreciating small things like that. She met his words with little more than a slight roll of her eyes, eager to leave the room as soon as she was sure he wasn't going to start choking or something out of nowhere.
Upon getting down most of the contents of another bite, Gaster paused in his eating to address her again, dark sockets wide and somewhat gleeful.
"THANK YOU DEARLY, TORIEL." He said with an ironic politeness, as a chunk of uneaten porridge fell off the bottom of his skull and disappeared into the black mass of his body. "SINCE IT SEEMS I AM DESTINED TO REMAIN HERE AS I AM FOR THE TIME BEING, I SUPPOSE I CAN LOOK FORWARD TO MORE OF YOUR MEALS GOING FORWARD."
Toriel fought back a sneer. As if she would bother making him anything more complex than what he currently had. Not just out of spite, but out of necessity. His current form could clearly hardly even handle taking in soft foods without a struggle. But he was in fact getting it down. That was her cue to leave.
But as she began to turn to head to the door, he was quick to speak up again.
"HAVE YOU THOUGHT ANY FURTHER ON MY OFFER?" He rasped, and she heard the soft sound of him dropping the spoon back into the mostly empty bowl.
No, she was not doing this again. She kept her gaze firmly fixed on the door and continued walking, even as she could feel his dark sockets boring into her back as she did so.
"Goodbye , Wingdings." She said coldly, just before hurriedly exiting the room and shutting the door behind her.
It was so fast she nearly felt dizzy, and she leaned her back against the door for a moment to catch her breath. She moved on from there nearly just as quickly though, not at all liking how strangely icy cold the wooden door felt against her back. She hurried to the living room, making sure to slow down just before entering the living room as to not appear too worked up over the whole affair. It was over and done with. She'd done what she needed to and wouldn't have to worry about him again for a while. No need for either of the brothers to get too concerned.
She felt she had managed to decently compose herself as she re-entered the living room. Sure enough, Papyrus was there once again waiting for her. The poor thing looked like he had just about been pacing an anxious rut in the floor, and all but jumped when he saw her. He put on a smile quickly though when he saw the lack of a bowl in her paws.
"AH, SO HE ATE?" He asked hopefully, wringing his gloves a bit before continuing. "DID THE FOOD SEEM TO UM… IMPROVE HIS CONDITION AT ALL? I COULD HEAR THAT HE WAS COUGHING AN AWFUL LOT EARLIER…"
Toriel bit back the urge to say something harsh and dismissive about Gaster and nodded.
"Yes…" She replied, through a weary sigh.
"Unfortunately…" That part remained only in her mind, but it certainly wanted to leave her lips.
"Though I do not know how long that will last."
Papyrus made a soft sound of acknowledgement, nodding as he continued to fidget with his gloved hands and look towards the floor. When he lifted his head again, it was to look towards the other hallway entrance across the room, the one that lead to the room Sans and Toriel shared.
"DO YOU THINK SANS IS OKAY?" He asked, straightening up a bit more. "AFTER TALKING TO DAD I MEAN… HE WALKED OFF AGAIN WITHOUT A WORD."
She stepped over to his side and managed a warm, if still tired smile. It probably didn't come off as reassuring as she would have hoped, but she would have to work with what she could manage.
"I believe he will be alright, he did not seem quite as shaken up as the first time when he met me in the kitchen earlier." She pointed out, giving his back a pat. "He went to go rest in our room for a while."
"I SEE… I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE." He replied softly, clearly disappointed Sans had made himself scarce again. It made both things that Papyrus wanted to happen less likely to occur any time soon. "I SUPPOSE I BETTER BUSY MYSELF UNTIL HE WAKES UP…"
He shook himself out of those thoughts quickly and attempted to regain his usual Papyrus enthusiasm.
"OH! I KNOW! I WILL PREPARE MY POINTS THAT I WISH TO DISCUSS IN OUR HEART TO HEART CONVERSATION SO THAT THERE IS NO CHANCE I FORGET THEM OR MISS THE CHANCE TO DELIVER THEM WITH PRACTICED POISE!"
With that, he hurried off to his own room so quickly she nearly missed it when she blinked. She stared after him for a moment, unsure how to feel and secretly wishing he'd come back. She didn't really want to alone right now. It presented too many opportunities to think, and the thoughts that would be waiting to spring on her would not be pleasant in any sense.
She walked over to the window across the room, moving the curtain aside to gaze out at the winter landscape beyond. With the willow's bare, almost skeletal shape looming over the undisturbed sea of white, it painted a picture of muted tranquility. So unlike all the turmoil collectively affecting all within the house.
Seeing the willow inevitably brought back memories of all the times she'd sat under its branches with loved ones… including her children. Their reactions to the news of their impending siblinghood had certainly been mixed then, but things had been slowly changing for the better in that regard, at least until Gaster had decided to abruptly intrude upon their lives.
Change. Now that word stuck out to her, suddenly pushing out all other thoughts. There was a lot of change happening with everyone. For better or worse. But the change that was most on her mind then was that of her son, and what he was going through. There was no denying now that he was showing signs of regaining a soul, or something along those lines, and changing outwardly as well as inwardly in the process. The evidence of him returning to a boss monster like form were clear.
The question simply remained that… how far would such a change go? By the time the little one was born… would he be a whole new monster? Would they grow up never knowing Flowey as he once was, only ever knowing… whatever he became? Be that a monster who resembled her lost Asriel... or someone entirely new.
She rested a paw on her stomach and sought out the little one's magic. They replied with an almost practiced timeliness, assuring her of their presence.
Then her mind drifted towards a shadowy place she had sworn she'd never traverse. But once the thought arose, it couldn't be ignored again so easily. Gaster had… offered her some chance of helping her children through their unique and unfortunate situations. It was a lie obviously. A cruel and twisted manipulation. It had to be. But… on the one in a million chance it wasn't…
For just a few moments, she allowed herself to picture what life would be like with all of her children as their whole, true selves. A little boss monster, two separate young humans, and their future baby sibling. It was a beautiful thought, however selfish it was to dream of. But it couldn't last. Reality was quick to rush back in and steal it away like a bitter winter's wind blowing the last frail leaf off of a tree. Any warm images were replaced with Gaster's vile visage, haunting, pathetic, and full of simmering hatred.
She turned from the window in a hurry then, letting the curtains slide shut. It cast the room in dark shadows as Toriel sank down onto the couch and held her head in her paws, trying not to think of anything at all.
...
She never ended up joining Sans in their bedroom, even as the hours ticked by. She knew she wouldn't be able to sleep even if she did go in there. Despite her efforts to withhold it, her mind was racing too much, picking at things past, present, and potential future. And part of her worried that the moment everyone in the house was occupied or asleep, Gaster would reveal some trump card up his sleeve and make a move. After seeing what even his weakened magic could do to that dog…
She suppressed a shudder, imaging thick black tendrils of unnatural magic trying to reach inside her and take hold of her soul. Even if the fear was all in her mind, she wasn't about to take that risk. She stared at that hallway entrance far too long, expecting the shadows within to suddenly start slithering out across the floor…
How long she sat there, she couldn't be sure. At one point where she'd started to make some headway in willing herself to return to the bedroom, she picked up on the sound of the skeleton brothers conversing in the other room. Even with her large ears, she couldn't make out what was being said, but she could only hope Sans was holding to his word and really talking with his brother. If that was the case, it would most likely be a while before she would see either of them, and she wouldn't risk interrupting something that important.
Desperate for any sort of distraction from thoughts of their dark and unwanted houseguest, she ran through a list a chores she could possibly do in her head. That was a big part of how she survived the decades of monotony in the Ruins, burying herself in mindless, endless chores.
In the end though, she just grabbed an old book off the side table and tried to lose herself in the deluge of factoids about the various bug species of the animal kingdom. Usually that could hold her interest and help her kill time. But between worrying about Gaster and fretting over what was happening between the brothers, she found she barely absorbed anything from the pages.
Still, eventually, somewhere between skimming over facts about the camouflaging abilities of Choeradodis stalii and trying to discern if the uniquely colorful Cuban land snail would be as tasty as other snails she was used to eating, a sound alerted her to the fact she was no longer alone. Somehow she'd missed the flash of light, but Sans was suddenly there beside her, sitting on the couch as though he'd been there all that time.
By now, his sudden disappearing and appearing acts no longer phased her. She barely so much as blinked in surprise to see him, and gently shut her book on a cartoony inchworm shaped bookmark before setting it on the coffee table. As relieved as she was to have his company again, there was no ignoring the heavier aura he brought into the room with him.
Just from what she could see of his face, she could tell her suspicions about what he and his brother had been discussing were in fact correct. It was something that needed to happen, Papyrus had made that clear. And it would be better for both of them in the long run… but that didn't mean either of them were going to get through it unscathed. The reappearance of their father had dredged up emotions and baggage between them that could no longer be ignored.
So she did her best to be gentle in contrast to what had clearly been a very difficult conversation. Even with the progress Sans had been making, she had little doubt that he was nearing his tolerance threshold. If she pressed too hard regarding what had happened, he would likely shut down as he used to, or at least make himself scarce for a while.
Still, he had come back to her in the wake of it all rather than retreat somewhere to brood over it alone. That meant, on some level… he must want to talk about it.
"...How did it go, dear one?" She asked softly, subtly offering her paw to him beside her.
At first, she thought perhaps he hadn't heard her, as he didn't so much as look in her direction. Concerned, she searched what she could see of his face in the low light. But her gaze was pulled down when she felt his small hand slide into her paw. With that, it was like he had suddenly woken up and turned to meet her gaze. His eyelights were dim in sockets drooping with weariness, but he still managed a strained grin.
"about as well as it could… i guess." He rasped weakly, as though even his magically conjured voice was worn out.
He threaded his phalanges with her much larger fingers as he continued speaking, looking back down towards his lap.
"we came to an agreement in the end. we're gonna keep gaster in that thing, but i guess we won't... treat him like he treated us. we'll, y'know, give the old bastard a bed, some meds, and keep him fed or whatever until his rotten expired body finally gives out on him. no stopping that after all. and we'll let everyone get the closure they need by talking to him before that happens."
He set his jaw and let a tight breath whistle out from between his teeth.
"including pap…"
She gulped a bit at that, unable to keep from feeling the same dread from before. The idea of Papyrus interacting with such a malicious, conniving creature made her feel sick. And surely it could only be even worse for Sans. But allowing it was likely the only way to ensure such a meeting happened safely, and keep any rifts between the brothers from growing deeper.
"I see… that is quite a compromise on your part." She replied, running her thumb over the bones that made up the back of his hands. "That must be difficult to contend with. But I am glad you were willing to respect your brother's feelings in this situation. I am sure we can figure out a way to ensure it will be safe for him."
He said nothing, just gave a half-hearted shrug with soft sound of acknowledgment. His eyelights were still staring blankly at things unseen, shifting in and out of focus. It didn't seem that Papyrus' now inevitable meeting with Gaster was the only thing on his mind. She looked him over again, spotting obvious signs of just how difficult his talk with Papyrus had really been and feeling she should no longer ignore them.
"Though, I somehow doubt that is the reason you have been crying, is it not?"
He stiffened a bit at that, and his eyelights flicked over to look at her again. There was a moment where she thought he might deny it, or make up some excuse. But the evidence was plain as day even in the low light. Unfortunately for him, tear tracks don't fade from bone anywhere as fast as they do from skin or fur.
In the end though he just shut his sockets with an empty chuckle.
"heh, we uh… ended up talking about a lot more than just… ol' g."
She nodded a little in understanding, soul panging for him. It was one thing for her to have heard all of Papyrus' long withheld frustrations, but for Sans... it had to have been truly devastating. The gesture must have been enough that he recognized she already knew what he was talking about. That only appeared to make him feel worse. He covered his face with his free hand and let out a shaky sigh.
"i've really done wrong by him, haven't i?" He asked, just barely loud enough to hear.
The pain in his voice seemed to strike at her soul, making it momentarily hard to speak around the sudden lump in her throat.
"We have all perhaps treated him in a way he did not deserve, but it was never out of malice, my love. Especially on your part." She reasoned, giving his hand a light squeeze. "I am sure he assured you that he understood that, did he not?"
From the way his expression slightly shifted then, she could tell she was right in that regard. It did little to diminish the guilt Sans was feeling though. What's more, he was clearly holding back from saying something. He nodded to her, but his gaze was still fixed on something unseen and far away.
"he wants to go to college." He abruptly forced out, voice strained with clashing emotions. "like, a big college, overseas. next year. apparently his engineering professor recommended him for the opportunity. i had no idea."
She blinked. Now that she didn't know… The news summoned up a rush of conflicted emotions both joyous and sorrowful. It was an incredible opportunity and show of Papyrus' success! But… to imagine him being so far away for so long... She'd only known Papyrus for a short time in the grand scheme of her immortal life, but she could already hardly imagine a life without him.
She couldn't let herself dwell on it all for the moment though. Sans had more he needed to say, and she needed to do what she could to support him. Another raspy chuckle escaped him, and he dragged his hand down his face to let it fall into his lap.
"he said he was hesitating accepting because he was worried about how i'd react." He went on, shame making his voice crack a bit at the edges.
Subconsciously, she moved a little closer, allowing him to lean into her more.
"What did you tell him?" She asked gently.
"heh, i'm not about to be the reason he doesn't do something that great for himself. especially with how excited he is about the idea." He said, voice briefly trembling a little. "how could i, after hearing about how i've been making him feel awful all this time?"
A sad and sympathetic little hum left her, and the image of Papyrus' conflicted expression from earlier rose up in her mind.
"You did not expect that you were upsetting him with your actions and the way you were talking to him, did you?" She asked, guilt seeping into her own expression. "I was… caught off guard by that realization as well."
"i mean, i figured i wasn't always doing right by him, hell, i knew i wasn't." He shot back quickly, barely even managing to force a chuckle at that point. "i just… couldn't stop thinking about him being my lil bro, and treating him like i always have… but he's growing up, no, he has been grown up past how i was perceiving it for a long time. i was just too blind and stuck in my ways to see it. i never realized how much it got to him. and i hate that i made him feel like that."
The words were tinged in a creeping level of self-hatred, and she could see that he was struggling not to speak much more cruelly about himself. He pulled his hand away from her to sink his skull into both of them, wheezing out another fake laugh.
"you know what the worst part is though? deep down… he was right to worry." He said into his hands, sweat beginning to dot his skull. "i don't know… if i'm ready for him to leave. hell, i don't know if i'd ever be. i've never… i've never had to be without him. at least not like this, and for so long…"
He trailed off and the soft sound of his bones rattling as he trembled began to make itself known. She looked him over for a moment with her soul aching in her chest. It had been some time since she'd seen him this shaken up. And who could blame him… for all this to come out now, right after their twisted father's reappearance in their lives. It was almost poetically cruel.
Her own mind wanted to fall into a spiral of thoughts and difficult emotions regarding Papyrus' leaving as well, and the little one within her certainly wasn't helping matters. But she knew she needed to push them aside for the moment. Right now, she couldn't afford not to keep her focus on her dear skeleton. Carefully, she shifted a little closer and eased an arm around him. He accepted and leaned into her touch right away, so she gently scooped him up into her arms.
The turbulent emotions of his soul radiated out to her own, and she was unable to keep from squeezing him tight for a few moments. Her own emotions swelled and threatened to overwhelm her, but she manage to keep her voice warm and level.
"We still have a year to prepare for that, dear one. He will be here to meet the baby when they come, and experience another whole years worth of holidays and special events. It is not as though he will be leaving overnight. And I am sure that, excited as he is, it is something he is greatly nervous about as well."
She rested her cheek against his skull and ran her paw down his back, noting and knowing every soft bump of his spine.
"I know it must be a shock… but we will be as ready as we can be for it when the time comes."
Her assurance was only met with silence from him again, and she could feel the small tremors running through his slight frame. This wasn't something that she was going to be able to make easier for him in so few words. She gave him a little nudge against his cheekbone with her muzzle, attempting to coax out whatever more he clearly wanted to say. An uneasy sigh escaped him, but he got the message.
"yeah but… what if he decides he likes it better over there and doesn't come back? hell, wh-what if it turns out that he's suddenly so much happier because... he doesn't have to put up with me anymore?"
The words tumbled out in a shaky manner, and she could tell he somewhat regretted them. Their implications struck her soul harshly, but didn't allow them to shake her from what she knew to be true. She slowly shook her head, holding him close for a moment.
"We can never know what the future holds my dear, or how it will affect the connections we have with others. But I hold full confidence that your brother will always love you Sans, and that though it will certainly be hard at first, maybe you both will find that some time apart will strengthen your bond in ways that could not happen here." She reasoned, pushing positivity into her voice. "Did he not say something similar to you earlier, in his own unique way?"
Again, she could tell from his small change in expression that she was right in that regard. It was a relief, for no matter how much she reassured him of these things regarding his brother based on her own point of view, Sans needed to hear it from Papyrus himself as well.
"he did…" Sans confirmed quietly, before giving his shoulders a shrug. "or well, not in so many words. i tried not to let on how… how much the idea stresses me out. but i don't think i fooled em, heh. my poker face aint what it used to be."
Another weak peal of chuckles escaped him then, and his grin grew more unsteady. He turned his head a bit and pressed his face into the crook of her neck. The next few uneven breaths that escaped him tickled the fur there.
"there's just so much happening…" He rasped out, sounding almost bewilderedly amused by it all. "would b-be nice if things would slow down a little, heh."
The quip was enough to coax a brief, weary smile out of her too. It felt like they were both caught up in some great whirlwind, clinging tight to one another in order to prevent the gale from overtaking them. But even in the face of all that, a bit of humor allowed them to keep grounded, if only just.
"I know." She sighed, shutting her eyes for a few moments. "Right now though, we are all here, everyone is safe, and everything is going to be alright. Just... take a moment to breathe."
He did so, following her lead as he did. But not without another small chuckle escaping him in the process, one that sounded just a little bit less fake.
"heh, isn't that the t-technique you've been doing for yourself lately?" He asked, voice still trembling a bit.
"Yes, a lot is changing for me too, after all… plenty enough to stir up my anxieties..." She replied, going back to rubbing small circles into his back to comfort him as well as herself.
"Sharing custody of the children is a lot harder than I thought it would be… and as strange as it sounds… I am almost afraid of them growing up…"
A fresh wave of pain washed over her soul as the words left her, and Sans took notice. He shifted back a bit in her arms, trying to meet her gaze. But she didn't return it, briefly caught up in feelings of shame.
"I have never been able to see any child of mine grow into their teens. I fear I will not know how to properly handle that, or be able to provide the different sorts of guidance they will need. And what of this child of ours that is coming? What sort of new challenges will they present that I could be unprepared for? What if I am not as fit to raise a newborn as I had been back when I was Queen?"
As hard as it was to speak all those fears of hers aloud, it also allowed them to leave the tight confines of her chest and let her breathe a bit easier. Those things had been lingering in her mind for far too long without being addressed. This was only the first step of that, and would likely not progress further given the more pressing situations now surrounding them all. But… it felt good deep down, it right. And as was often the case, seeing her dear skeleton show bravery in sharing his own innermost turmoil helped her do the same.
For the moment, the pain dwindled to a simple dull ache within her. And even that was further numbed when she felt him reach up and run his phalanges soothingly over one of her long ears. She met his gaze and smiled at him, far stronger than before.
"But I know we can both face these things as they come." She said, leaning into his touch a little. "You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for, my love. And I promise, I will be here beside you through whatever comes next. You will not have to face any of this alone."
His eyelights softened at that, and grew more steady. His gratitude for her words was clear, but his expression also shifted in a way that seemed to imply they had also made him recall something.
"hm, now i-i've definitely heard you say that before…" He pointed out with a more genuine smile of his own.
She stifled a small giggle, intending to apologize for her apparent lack of originality when it came to words of encouragement. But as his other hand rose up to rest on the other side of her face, it stole away all her focus from anything else. His thumbs swept through the fur on her cheeks, and though his hands still shook a little, he seemed fixated enough on returning her vows for his own fear to release some of its hold on him.
"we both know i'm still no good at phrasing it as well as you do, but… all the same goes for you tori. of course, y'know?" He assured her, clearing his metaphorical throat to hide a more noticeable shake in his voice before continuing. "i'll be here for you through all of it… things are really crazy at the moment, but i'm gonna keep my skull on straight as much as i can and take care of you too. i know you need it, especially right now."
He hesitated, brow ridges knotting together before his expression hardened with resolve.
"i... i won't let all this send me spiraling again." He vowed, keeping his gaze firmly locked with hers.
The declaration made her soul pang a bit within her. Part of her just wanted to assure him that she'd be fine and he should focus on himself and his brother whilst Gaster continued to be an unwanted intrusion in their lives. But deep down, she knew as well as he did that Sans was right. No matter how either of them was individually shaken, they'd need to both rely on one another to get through all this as best they could.
Her soul grew warm within her as tender emotions for him swelled. A silent communication and mutual appreciation passed through their gaze and she pulled him into a more proper hug. The air around them both felt a bit lighter as she did, if only for the moment.
They were both quiet for a brief time, but then he spoke up again, voice slightly muffled by their tight embrace.
"and i uh… swear i won't end up bawling all over ya like i did that night, heh." He said, tightening his grip on her by degrees.
She smiled sympathetically and lightly brushed her cheek against the side of his skull.
"You know I would not mind, even if you did." She assured him quietly. "I have found that sometimes... a few tears can be what prevents such emotional wounds from opening further."
He didn't offer a direct reply to that other than to relax a little more in her arms. But she did notice the emotions she could feel from his soul intensify, as if he no longer was attempting to restrain them as much. If he decided to follow her bit of advice or not, she couldn't say, but she still considered that to be a small sign of progress. She made an effort to break down whatever walls currently surrounded her own emotions as well, letting the unseen meeting of their magic be mutual and calm.
The two of them just held one another for a while, letting all the overhanging stress and fear be pushed aside just for that short time. They couldn't afford to ignore it entirely, but they both truly needed that break. It was if the two of them had pulled themself out of a churning sea onto a little desert island, finding a moment of peace in the eye of the storm.
She was surprised when it wasn't her who eventually pulled them back into reality, but Sans. He drew in a steadying breath before backing up a bit, willing her to look down at him again. His eyelights had gone out, but the heavy feeling of stress he'd initially brought with him into the room had eased considerably.
"we gotta tell the others tomorrow." He said, quiet and resolute. "about gaster… about all of it. and i'll let pap make his big announcement too, of course. when he's ready."
She smiled warmly at the show of bravery on his part and pressed a little kiss against the top of his skull. Hopefully he too saw the significance in how far he'd come in that regard.
"Yes, I believe that is the right thing to do." She agreed, eyes shining a little with pride as she did so.
Once the inevitable bright blue glow to his cheekbones had faded and they'd both shared another meaningful look, Sans' expression began to sober up one more. Concern once again became evident on his face.
"you gonna be okay letting the kids… see him ?" He asked, sweat drops dotting his skull. "you know there's no way in hell we are going to be able to keep frisk from talking to the old bastard. there's no stopping that kiddo's determination once they're set on something."
Toriel swallowed hard and worried her lip with her fangs. She wanted to emphatically deny Gaster any access to her children under any circumstances. She didn't want that wicked beast to even look at her children. But Sans was right… Her child had proven time and time again that they will do whatever they feel is right, no matter how others try and dissuade them. And they almost certainly would want to see the mysterious dark stranger trapped in their spare bedroom.
"I am well aware, as much as I wish it were not so." She said, taking a slow, steadying breath before continuing. "I suppose one of us will just have to be in the room to monitor the situation. I shudder to think of how that vile monster may try to manipulate them. Especially if he tries presenting them with the same "offer" he did me."
Sans blinked at the word, the concern in his eyelights suddenly deepening.
"what... offer?"
The sudden shift in his emotions surprised her, and that deep uneasiness she'd felt earlier when around Gaster began to swirl around her soul again. Like a predatory bird who had just caught sight of some small prey animal far below. She fought back against the sensation, convinced she was overreacting, but she shared the truth with him regardless.
"Right as I was leaving, Wingdings tried to offer me some apparent "knowledge" he has that he believes could possibly… safely separate Chara and Frisk, and could provide Chara with a body of their own again. He tried to say it was him "repaying an old friend one last time" or some other worthless platitude." She shook her head dismissively, expression and tone both full of disgust. "Utter nonsense I am sure, nothing more than another pathetic attempt to get to me through my children. As if someone who despises humans as deeply as he does would ever earnestly offer to help one."
She looked at him then, expecting and perhaps hoping to see him looking reassured that Gaster's "offer" was nothing to be worried about. But the concern had not left his face. He'd simply dropped his gaze down to his slippered feet, eyelights wavering the way they did when he was thinking deeply about something.
"yeah…" Was all he eventually got out in response, all the while still looking to be consumed by whatever thoughts were running through his skull.
Silence once again fell over them, and Toriel internally wrestled with what to say in response. She expected that if she wasn't the one to speak up again, he would keep quiet. And she now had a lot of questions regarding Sans' reaction to Gaster's unusual "offer". But surprisingly, he was again the one to break the silence. He snapped back to his usual demeanor rather quickly, suddenly seeming eager to move away from the subject.
"i'll call al in the morning, let her know she can spill the beans, and then we'll go from there." He vowed quietly, leaning into her again and easing his sockets shut.
She hesitated a moment before replying and reciprocating the bit of affection, her head still buzzing with questions. But inevitably her own uneasiness with the subject and her own weariness led her to let it go.
"Sounds good to me." She said warmly, squeezing him lightly in return before starting to prepare herself to stand with him in her arms. "Come now love, we both need to rest."
He allowed her to lift him without protest, seeming more than content with being carried by her. Once she'd risen to her feet though, a different sort of pang to her soul than the ones she'd been experiencing through her talk with him sparked a realization in her.
"Goodness me, I was so caught up in everything that was happening that I forgot to make dinner…" She fretted, only then feeling how hungry she was.
It was a foolish oversight, especially considering she was currently eating for two. Skipping meals at a time like this was out of the question. And the idea of Gaster being the only one in the house to have a decent meal tonight? Simply unthinkable. But if she were being fully honest, she wasn't sure she really had the energy to cook anything substantial at the moment.
"s'okay tori." Sans replied, giving her arm a few pats. "howzabout we make tonight a pizza night, then we can snooze it all off."
She internally winced a bit at that. Pizza was… not exactly ideally healthy, and she'd been trying to keep to a healthier diet while going through her pregnancy. But she supposed it wouldn't hurt to have a slice or two every once in a while, especially in situations like this. She couldn't deny how delicious the dish often was either. Before coming to the surface again, she'd never tried anything like it.
"Very well then." She agreed, giving him a little nuzzle. "But only if we get one that at least somewhat healthy, and one with some Pap-a-roni for your brother."
The pun struck true, and without missing a beat the skeleton was chuckling away as though they'd been doing nothing but sharing terrible jokes all day. It one of those strong laughs that made his bones rattle a little, and hearing it then was especially delightful.
"sure thing." He agreed with a wink, before giving her a playful poke. "careful though tori, at a time like this, he'll probably find pizza puns way too cheesy. "
What a pun. So utterly awful that she couldn't help but snort and barely hold back a boisterous display of her own laughter. The weight on her soul briefly lifted, allowing it to feel warm and fuzzy once more. If only for a little while.
It would never stop amazing her how quickly a few puns could have them smiling and giggling with all the exuberance of immature children even in the wake of such heavy emotions. It echoed their way of connecting during those days when a door divided them, and to still have that now was something her soul would always hold dear. She truly hoped that that aspect of their relationship would never change.
But even with her jovial mood momentarily restored, something still nagged at her mind as she watched Sans tap through the pizza delivery's website on his phone on their way to Papyrus' room. She couldn't seem to get the strange look she'd seen in his eyelights in that one moment out of her mind. When she'd mentioned what Gaster had said regarding her children... What was it about his father's clearly facetious "offer" that seemed to unnerve him so much?
She supposed for now, she'd try not to worry about it.