Posted 2019-12-13: As always, many thanks to chayasara for beta-ing. I again fiddled with this (very long) chapter after she edited it, so all errors are my own. ~ Erin
Leaving the house on time with a newborn was a feat Bella had yet to accomplish. She had the diaper bag and baby carrier by the door and the stroller ready to park on the porch. She'd just put her shoes on when the sound and ooze of a wet explosion in her arms made her grimace. Holding Sarah as far away from her nose as possible, she slugged herself and the baby upstairs, changed the offending diaper and outfit, and then washed her hands. By this point, Sarah was beginning to fuss again, and Bella realised she was probably hungry. Sighing, she gave up on arriving to the baby group on time and sat down on the couch to nurse Sarah. Again.
After giving her daughter a few more minutes for any new diaper-filling explosions, Bella wrapped Sarah in a warm blanket and then tucked her into the stroller. Just as she had rolled it out the door, the house phone rang. Bella toyed with not answering it, but when she considered that it might be Charlie, changed her mind, setting the brake and running back to pick up the handset.
"Stay inside!" Alice said, her voice high and hard.
Then the line went dead.
Bella dropped the phone and ran for the front door.
At the far end of the street, captured mid stride by the slow-motion Bella's mind seemed to be operating in, was a vibrant whirl of red hair.
Victoria.
The shocked breath that rattled through Bella seemed to last forever, her hand trying to yank the braked stroller back inside the house.
Before her brain could fully make sense of what was happening, another body was crouched defensively at the top of the porch stairs. She knew every angle of it and froze, mesmerized by the movement of the bronze hair that the cold breeze ruffled.
There was a second body then—Alice's, she realized, also crouched against attack.
Victoria disappeared as if by magic—there one moment, gone the next. The rattling laurel bush was the only physical confirmation of her presence.
Bella fumbled with the straps of the stroller, hands shaking, trying to get Sarah untangled. When she did, she pressed Sarah to her chest, arms wrapped protectively around her.
She could feel her own breaths coming faster and faster, the air not quite enough for her body to accept.
Alice stood and turned around slightly, watching her intently. She spoke in a calm and slow voice. "Bella, you're holding her too tightly."
The words registered but dully. Bella was looking at the ghost on her porch.
She wasn't sure if he was real.
"We need to go," Alice said, her voice rising in what sounded like alarm. "Now."
"Hold on to Sarah, Bella," the apparition said.
She stared at it, as if dumb.
"Bella," Alice said, "we have to go. Can you hold Sarah while we run?"
No response.
"Edward, take Bella. I'll take Sarah," and Alice went to take the baby.
Bella said nothing, but stiffened, arms tighter around her baby.
"Now!" Alice called, pivoting to face away from Bella.
And they were flying. Bella closed her eyes, arms curled protectively around the fragile flesh of her child, colder arms around them both.
When the movement ended, she found herself being set down carefully onto the upholstery of a couch.
The voices around her were too quick to catch, so she focused on breathing, loosening her arms slightly around Sarah. She was still asleep, her trusting face puckering, lips moving in a silent suck.
Seeing her baby safe, Bella set her down carefully on the couch, knowing her own control was almost spent.
The shaking was growing, the air still tight in her lungs. When the curtain of blackness descended, it was a relief to feel her body slump into its welcome nothingness.
When she came to, she was lying down, feet elevated, a heavy blanket over her.
"Sarah!" she gasped, trying to sit up.
"She's right here," Alice said, one hand pressed to Bella's shoulder, her gaze drawing Bella's eyes to the small bundle in Alice's sturdy arm. "She's fine. Just lie down for a bit, okay?"
Bella made herself lie back, eyes scanning the space. She was in the Cullens' living room. That much she could piece together. Alice was there, and ten short feet away, the vision that had haunted her for months stood, hands curling, face a mask of anxious worry.
Esme's figure came into view, a cup held between her hands.
Bella closed her eyes again. It was too much. She couldn't handle seeing them all.
Too much.
At least her breathing was reassuringly normal. She made it her only thought.
It helped. But then she opened her eyes, and they were all still there.
This time, Alice didn't push her back when she sat up, but she did look at Esme and Edward, who moved silently from the room.
"Here," Alice said, handing her the cup. The scent of honeyed tea reached her, and she took a sip. The hollowness receded slightly as she drank more
"Alice, why did you come back?"
Alice looked worried. They'd talked about this. "To keep you safe, Bella," she said softly. It was almost with reproach.
Bella nodded. "And you'll all leave once that's done?"
"If that's what you want, yes," Alice said quietly, almost inaudibly.
"I see," Bella whispered.
Edward had joined the others outside, his mind raging. It had all been in vain—their leaving, the torturous time apart, her misery. All for nothing.
He wanted to destroy something. Burn it. Make it ash. Explode each particle into nothingness. But he couldn't.
Instead, he watched as they did, feeling the needling of Jasper's influence prickling at his anger and despair, like having pins and needles in his heart.
"Don't!" He snarled at his brother..
"Then control yourself!" Jasper glowered at him.
Edward would have liked nothing better than to take his frustrations out on Jasper at the moment, but a small and solitary wail made them all look towards its source.
Bella had taken Sarah, pressing her to her chest, rubbing her back. She stood carefully, walking, cradling the little head in her hand.
Esme had reappeared, her face concerned. The expression mirrored Alice's.
"It's just gas," Bella said, and continued walking, trying to soothe Sarah.
Alice and Esme exchanged nervous glances. They were worried Bella would faint while she was holding Sarah.
"May I?" Esme asked tentatively.
Feeling her own shakiness reassert itself, Bella sat again and held Sarah out.
Esme smiled as she took the baby, turning her over so that Sarah's chest rested lengthways on Esme's forearm. She rubbed her back and was soon rewarded with a large belch. Sliding her back over, she nestled her into her arm, wrapping a blanket around her with a well-practised motion.
"Thank you," Bella said.
"Oh no, thank you," Esme said, smiling. "It's been a while. It feels wonderful to hold a baby again." She let her fingers fuss with the edge of the material, tucking it away from Sarah's face.
Bella cleared her throat. "Is it safe for us to go home?"
Alice frowned. "I'm not sure yet," she said. "Not alone, no. If we're close by, then yes. What they're doing is . . . not certain."
"'They'?" Bella asked, as if testing this word out. More than one.
"Victoria and one other at least," Alice confirmed.
Bella nodded, taking this in.
"It'd be better if you stayed here." The voice was Edward's.
Bella's shoulders stiffened.
"I'd like to go home," she said, this time through almost clenched teeth.
"No," Edward said, "it's not safe."
"YOU GAVE UP THE RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU LEFT!" she bellowed.
Then she looked at him, directly.
He was real all right.
She was glad she was angry. She wouldn't trust herself to lay eyes on him otherwise.
"It's safer here for both of you," he said.
Part of her wanted to scream at him and vent her rage and anger at being put in this position by him. The other part of her knew he was right. And all in all, she was still so shaken by what had happened that expending more energy on continuing the negative feelings would be wasteful.
After all, Sarah needed. It was safer to remain here. And while she might have once been cavalier with her own life, she wouldn't be with Sarah's.
Her face felt hot, and she was sure it was a florid red.
"I need some air," she said, moving by him and carefully avoiding contact.
She stood on the deck, hands on the railing, trying to breathe out the frustration at being captive to their protection.
Sarah's wail made her close her eyes and stow her own feelings.
Esme quietly handed Sarah back to Bella. "There's a guest room if you'd like some privacy," she said softly, tipping her head in the direction of it.
Bella followed Esme up the short flight of stairs to what had been Esme's study the last time she was here. The south facing window illuminated a spacious bed, a rocking chair, and a dresser. Tucked into the corner was a small bassinet.
She felt like an animal being installed in a zoo.
"Thank you," she said hollowly, and then closed the door.
Sarah was utterly unsettled and fussed for the better part of an hour. Worried by the unusual behaviour, Bella fretted. She didn't want to seek the help nearby and jumped when a knock came at the door.
"It's just me," Alice called, "and I come bearing lunch."
Right, Bella thought. She hadn't eaten or had much to drink. No wonder Sarah was fussing. The slight tremble in Bella's hands was from more than shock. While the adrenaline had faded a little from her system, she still felt agitated.
"Come on in," she called, trying again to get Sarah to nurse.
Alice entered, pushing the door open with her hip. She closed it quietly, carrying a tray.
"Here," she said, setting it on the bed. Whatever she'd prepared, it smelled alluring.
"Do want me to hold her while you eat?" Alice asked.
Bella frowned. Sarah was still mewling, her cries wavering in the space.
"You can't feed her until you yourself eat," Alice reminded her.
It was true, but it rankled to be told as much, even by Alice. Everyone seemed to have unwanted advice for new mothers. Even childless Vampires.
Reluctantly, Bella handed over Sarah, who quieted in Alice's arms. She ate, and Alice cooed to Sarah, melodiously describing her latest purchases.
Bella had to remind herself not to laugh through her food.
"Couture nursery rhymes. Awesome."
"Style starts early, Bella. Clearly your mother didn't recite them," Alice said, cocking a judgmental eyebrow, but smiling also.
"Horrors," Bella muttered, finishing her lunch. "That was amazing. Who do I have to thank?"
Alice didn't answer right away. "Is it okay if I say his name, or do I need to refer to him as he-who-must-not-be-named?" She said it lightheartedly, but Bella could tell she wasn't sure how the question would be received.
"You don't need to dance around it," Bella said, but her stomach twisted.
"Mmm," Alice said, "all right." She was eyeing Bella. "Have something to drink. You're dehydrated."
"Okay, that is annoying."
"Yes, but I'm right, and Sarah needs you well."
"Uh huh," Bella said, taking a drink.
Sarah's wails were growing louder.
Bella sighed, wrapping both her arms around her chest. She was sore.
"We have formula," Alice said.
"No," Bella said, taking Sarah back. "Absolutely not."
"I'm not saying she needs it. I'm just saying we have it."
"It's the same thing."
"Hardly," Alice said.
In the kitchen, Esme looked at Edward with narrowed eyes. Don't, she thought. She's doing fine.
Edward could tell she meant it. She'd seen a century of the medical profession interfering with what women knew was best.
"No formula," Bella said, and put Sarah back to her breast, wincing as she did. She closed her eyes, and leaned back, trying to relax and calm herself. Her stomach was in knots of anxiety, anger, and much as she hated to admit it, fear.
The sudden solution that presented itself made her sigh in relief.
"Pass me the phone, please," she said.
Alice looked at her, drop-jawed and stunned.
"No!" Edward growled.
Alice was still trying to process Bella's choice and its implications when she heard Edward and Esme hissing at the door.
What surprised all of them was Rose.
"Don't be an idiot!" she spat at him, low enough that Bella wouldn't hear. "It's her choice!"
"Not if it puts her in more danger, it isn't!"
"Alice," Bella said, "would you pass me the phone, please?"
Alice did, but slowly, almost as if she wished she could prevent the phone call by degrees with this tiny delay.
Bella punched in the number and sighed with relief when the line picked up. "Hey, Leah . . . Yeah, we're fine . . . Yes, I'm with them . . . actually. I was hoping I could come stay with you tonight, if that's okay."
Edward had barged into the room, startling Bella and Sarah. The baby pulled away painfully, and Bella inhaled sharply, fumbling with the phone.
Alice caught it, and after giving Edward a warning look, returned it to Bella.
"Please stay," he said. "It's not safe there." He was desperate to keep her from the wolves, imagining her or Sarah mauled at some slight provocation. He'd seen Emily's face in the minds of others. He knew where Bella and Sarah were safest.
Bella tried to ignore him, physically turning away, yanking down her shirt to cover herself while Sarah still nursed. "I think you'll need to come get me," she mumbled into the receiver. "Can you get the car seat from my place?"
"No," Alice said, drawing Edward's angry eyes, "we'll drop you off." She returned the stare, daring him to challenge her.
"We'd be happy to," Rose added from the doorway.
Esme stayed out of sight in the hall, her thoughts pained.
Stop trying to force her choices, Edward. You're only making things worse.
It took all his self control to lower his voice. "I'll drive you myself. What do you need for the night?" he asked.
"Hold on, Leah," Bella said, putting the phone to her shoulder, resettling Sarah. She didn't look at him. She couldn't. "Clothes, diapers, wipes, car seat, toothbrush."
Alice tapped the dresser. "I think we've got you covered, Bella. Better if you didn't go home . . . just yet," she said, frowning in concentration.
Edward held out his hand for the phone. "May I discuss with Leah where we'll meet her?" he asked.
Bella still couldn't look at him.
"Sure," she mumbled, holding out the handset. Their fingers brushed as he took it, and she felt the unnerving needles travel up her arm in a shivering, shocking wave.
She focused on Sarah, rocking them both back and forth with her eyes closed. She tried to relax as she attempted to nurse, but to no avail. The baby pulled away again, crying and frustrated.
Edward had walked away to finish the phone call, trying to give her some space. The conversation over, he returned, handing Alice her phone. "We'll take you when you're ready," he said quietly to Bella.
She nodded, looking away, hand over her face, trying not to cry. She wanted to tell herself it was the exhaustion and the fright of the morning but knew she was only fooling herself.
GO! Rose yelled silently at Edward. You're upsetting her!
When he turned to leave, she scowled at his back.
"Bella?" Alice said tentatively. "Do you want me to put some things in a bag for you?"
Bella could only nod, the tears moving freely now. Sarah was crying loudly, too, and the rocking was doing little to soothe either of them.
"How can we help you?" Esme said softly, coming to sit by them.
"She's hungry," Bella said, "and I can't feed her right now." She wasn't sure how to explain.
"Stress can do that," Esme said, a gentle smile on her face. "I remember. You just need to—"
"Relax," Bella said. "I know." She wiped her nose. "I can't do that here." There were fresh tears, ones of humiliation and shame. "Can you get the formula, please? I can't take her in the car like this."
"Sure," Esme said, watching her, concerned. "That's not a failure, Bella—to feed your baby."
"I know," Bella said, but it was clear she didn't feel it.
Esme returned quickly with a full bottle, and Sarah drank it willingly.
Bella let Esme take Sarah while she washed her face. "Thank you," she said, taking the baby back into her arms. "I'm ready."
Alice followed her to the garage, putting the bag in the trunk. She'd tucked lanolin cream on the top layer, hoping Bella knew to use it.
"You're not—?" Bella said, when Alice didn't move to get in the car.
"No," she said, "we'll follow and be nearby, but we don't want Leah to feel . . . threatened near you."
That left Bella, Edward, and Sarah in the car.
"Thank you, Alice," Bella said, "for everything," and gave her a hug.
"Here," Esme said, returning with a coat and a small bundle. "These should fit."
Bella appreciated the coat. The garage was cool, and she'd left hers at home in the unexpected escape from Victoria.. "Thank you," she said, the emotions bubbling dangerously under the surface. Esme squeezed her hand wordlessly.
There was a thick sweater just a little too big for Sarah but enough to keep her warm and a matching knitted blanket. The colours were startling beautiful, whorls of blue and green with shots of gold thread running through them. It reminded Bella of looking at the ocean on a sunny day. She noted that there was no tag on either. They were handmade.
"Glad she'll get some use out of them," Esme said, fingering a curl of wool near Sarah's hand.
When Bella looked up from wrapping Sarah, Alice and Esme were gone.
"They've gone ahead," Edward said, seeing her look, pulling out the car seat from the back of the Volvo.
Bella nodded. It was too dangerous to use words near him.
"Do you need a hand?" he asked, watching her fumble with the unfamiliar straps.
She frowned but moved back to let him secure them. Better to have Sarah safe than to risk securing them incorrectly.
Edward moved deliberately, making sure she could see how it was done next time and then locked the seat in place. He stood back, gesturing to the front and then the back, eyebrows raised inquiringly.
Bella sat behind him, carefully avoiding his gaze in the rearview mirror. Her face seemed to flush at whim, one minute hot with shame and the next cold with fear.
Victoria had been so close. So close.
She knew the reaction was her shock delayed. She was several minutes into talking herself through it when Edward spoke.
"She loves you. She was happy just to be with you when you fed her the formula."
Bella closed her eyes and focused on breathing in and out. She wanted to open the window and cool her face. And so she wouldn't be so overwhelmed by his scent, let alone by his voice. But she knew it would make Sarah cold, so she shut out as many of her senses as she could. If it wouldn't have felt so juvenile, she would have stuck her fingers in her ears and said "LA-LA-LA-LA!" over his voice.
Edward didn't say anything else though, and she let herself drift back into processing what had happened. Or what was still happening. Edward was here in front of her. She was inches from him. The reality of the morning and his present proximity very nearly eclipsed the possibilities for logical thought.
Her preoccupation made the drive mercifully short. When they stopped, it was at what Bella presumed was their designated meeting point. A short ways down the road, Leah stood in front of her own car, arms folded, a surly frown visible to Bella even at a distance.
"It's safe," Edward said, opening the door for Bella.
She unbuckled herself and went to pick up the carseat.
"Wait," Edward said. "I'll get it. It's heavy."
He had her bag already, and when she stood, he pulled the carseat and base from the car, waiting to follow her.
Leah remained statuesque. Her thoughts were anything but calm. Most of her rage was directed at Edward, who was approaching nervously. He wasn't convinced she was in control. He closed his eyes briefly and said, "The car seat's too heavy for Bella to carry. Can you take it, please?" He held it out, arm fully extended, resting it on his fingertips.
Leah took it as if it weighed nothing and walked away as quickly as she could.
Before she could see what he was doing, Edward slipped a phone into the top of the bag and then handed it to her. "If you need anything, please call," he said.
Words were not a currency she would exchange with him. She wanted no part of the economy he was offering and only nodded, taking the satchel from the vibrant touch of his hand, walking away to join Leah.
Sitting in the passenger seat, driving west, she pressed her arms tightly to her chest, trying to staunch the flow of milk and the feeling that Edward's touch had unlocked.
DISCLAIMER: S. Meyer owns Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.