Disclaimer, I do not own RWBY or any of the franchises referenced in this work
Chapter 13: Card games on a plane
Inspiration: YGOTAS
Note: For the purposes of this chapter, think Ruler Jeanne D Arc from Fate
"Welcome back, this one's another light hearted one. General Ironwood, Specialist Winter, this viewing doesn't have much for either of you, so you're free to step out if you wish. I can have copies of the various strategies employed by the UNSC prepared for your viewing if you wish." Blank said and Ironwood and Winter both stood up.
"That would be appreciated, Any chance we can see the blueprints of the Shiva and Novas as well?" Ironwood asked.
"Of course, but same rules apply as with Jaune Arc, you can test them out on the range but no bringing physical copies of the weapons back. Feel free to make copies of whatever notes you find in there." Blank agreed.
"Thank you in advance then. Weiss, I trust you can behave yourself in my absence, don't allow that dusty old crow to corrupt you." Winter glared when Qrow gave her the finger in response. She smirked when that smug look transitioned to grumbling as the swear jar shook in front of him.
"Of course sister, do take care of yourself." Weiss wave goodbye to her sister as the two of them vanished in a flash of light.
There was another flash and Jaune was back with them. "Oh hey guys, I'm baaaacck!"
He didn't get to finish before Nora tackled him in a hug. "JAUNE-JAUNE YOU'RE BACK!"
"Ow. Good to see you too Nora." Jaune laughed and patted her on the head, his happiness turned to confusion when Nora refused to let go.
"Err… Nora? You can let me go now."
"Nope." Nora denied his request and just hugged tighter. Jaune's confusion deepened and a pit of dread formed in his stomach when he noticed Yang and Pyrrha approaching, both hiding something behind their backs.
"Uh… guys? W-what are you doing? I-is that a dress Yang?" He laughed nervously as the grins on their faces widened and he noticed Ren giving him a sad look.
Yang laughed as she proudly displayed the garment the magic of the theatre had brought into existence. "Oh don't worry about it lover boy, we just want to give you a little makeover that's all."
"No! Nonononono! Nora! Get off!" He started panicking now, struggling to pry Nora off him to no avail. Her grip was iron and the proud grin on her face told him he wasn't escaping unless she wanted him to.
"Relax Jaune, it'll be over shortly." Pyrrha sank any remaining hopes he might have had as the three girls worked to drag him off to his destiny.
Blake watched the poor knight get dragged off kicking and screaming before turning to Ren with a raised eyebrow. "Not going to help your leader?"
"I would but… better him than me." Ren shrugged and admitted the truth.
"Nora might still decide to put you in a dress you know."
"Maybe. Or she might be satisfied with Jaune's noble sacrifice."
"Shouldn't we do something to help Arc?" Goodwitch glanced at Ozpin.
"I don't think so, let them enjoy themselves. The world could use more happiness in it." The headmaster said, letting out a satisfied sigh as he sipped from his mug.
"And the Arc?"
"Acceptable losses. I for one have no intention of getting between the three of them and their prize."
"Tai, sit down." Qrow said firmly when Taiyang started growling and made to stand.
"Fine! But I still don't like the kid." Taiyang folded his arms and sat down with a huff.
"Just let it go dear." Summer sighed and rubbed her husband on the back to soothe him.
"So what are we watching this time Blank?" Ruby asked.
"Another universe without Grimm or aura. There is magic though. It's a troubled world, thousands of years in the past, the world was nearly destroyed by a god of darkness when he gave humanity enough rope to hang themselves with. After a great deal of sacrifice and loss, humanity managed to seal the darkness away, entombed most of the ancient magics and knowledge of it was eventually lost to time, nothing more than a myth in the modern age." Blank said, getting Ozpin to perk up instantly.
"They sealed away the god of darkness? Please don't tell me someone tried to unseal him in the modern day."
"It was just a fragment of the whole. And no, knowledge of the god was buried even more thoroughly than the magic. When the tomb full of deadly traps and warnings was uncovered, they found the inscriptions… and made them into a children's card game."
"A children's card game? You're joking." Weiss scepticism was palpable.
"Inspiration can come from the strangest of places. It became extremely popular and naturally bad guys started using it for their own nefarious purposes."
"That's ridiculous." Weiss stated in a flat tone.
"Indeed it is. But it is serious business in the actual universe, where it's a game with your soul as a side bet and the stakes are for the entire world. Today though, we're not watching that universe, we're watching a variant of it."
"A variant?" Summer asked while absentmindedly playing with Ruby's hair.
"Indeed, you could call it a parody world of sorts. The people in that world know how ridiculous some of the things that go on in their world is. They are also somewhat aware of the multiverse in that they know other multiverse watchers have split up the adventures of their base world into seasons and make references to that."
"That… must be strange, being aware that someone else is watching you all the time. How are you supposed be a criminal in such a world?" Roman shivered lightly.
"By either A, not caring, or B, putting on a show… duh." Qrow deadpanned.
"Huh… fair point."
"Well, I don't think the four of them will be done soon so I'll just get the viewing started. For some context here, Jaune is a Schnee here by adoption. Jacques Schnee was always a Schnee and never married so you don't exist in this world Weiss, neither does your sister. Well, there was a version of you that existed in the distant past where everything went to hell though." Blank said as the lights dimmed.
"Okay… wait, what about Whitley?" Weiss perked up when there was no mention of her brother.
"He exists but… fate wasn't kind to him. A car accident happened, and it paved the way for Jaune and his brother's adoption. As for your father, uh, Jaune kinda drove him to his death by out Schneeing him. You'll uh… you'll see what I mean." Blank fell silent as the screen came to life.
Jaune sat in his seat frowning while Oscar stared out the window of the plane. "Hrrghh… you know, I really don't see the point in owning my own airline company if I can't make the planes look like dragons. Design flaws my ass."
"Hey bro! come check this out!" Oscar called out and Jaune perked up.
"Is it dragons? Are there dragons outside?"
"No. It's just really pretty out there." Oscar said as he turned back to watch the aurora borealis outside.
"Then why did you waste my time?"
"Woah… that's…" Ruby trailed off in shock at Jaune's mannerisms.
"You know, minus the dragon bit, he kinda reminds me of you Weiss."
"What's that supposed to mean!?" Weiss growled out.
"Oh, and I should mention that he is completely obsessed with dragons. Fate, destiny and past haunting the present or some such." Blank added as an afterthought.
"This is your pilot speaking, reminding you that absolutely nothing suspicious is going on. Also if you look out the window, you'll see one of the many plot holes of season four… oh wait that's the grand canyon." A squeaky high pitched version of Hazel's voice came from the loudspeakers.
"Hrnrk…" Ozpin suppressed the laughter threatening to overflow, Goodwitch did the same although it was clear from her red face that she was losing the struggle. The rest of the audience didn't even try, erupting into raucous laughter as they fought for breath.
"Hey bro, I think the pilot might be evil." Oscar turned back to Jaune only to find him not paying attention.
"If I close my eyes and pretend real hard, it's like I'm flying on a dragon. Wheeee…" Jaune said in a tone completely devoid of emotions.
"Hey bro, are you sure it's safe for us to fly straight into that weird weather phenomenon?" Oscar asked as the plane continued climbing into the aurora.
"Don't worry Oscar, Schnee Corp is partnered with United, they're pros. I'm sure everything will be…" He trailed off when the lights started flickering and the pilot started doing his worst impression of a ghost.
"Completely boned." He finished.
"Behold! The power of the Orichalcos…" Hazel's voice came from the speakers and Jaune just sighed, clearly the crazy had followed him on board.
"I guess we better go confront whatever villain of the week that is." Jaune sighed and stood up, wanting to get it all over with so he could get back to pretending he was flying on a dragon.
"He isn't even phased. Does this happen often?" Taiyang asked, impressed with the sheer nonchalance Jaune was displaying.
"Often enough he knows what to expect. It's true in the main universe as well, to the point where he's just annoyed whenever these things crop up. The man only wants two things, beating his rival in a duel and making more money." Blank said.
"So this Orichalcos is the source of the magic in that world then?" Ozpin piped up.
"It is the source of one form of magic. No apparent ties to the god of darkness but its there. Just magic green rocks that fell from the sky one day."
"…I see." Ozpin quietly sipped from his mug.
"Must be one of the plot holes mentioned." Weiss nodded sagely.
"In effect, the more you try to make sense of it, the more your brain will start to hurt."
"Oh no, the crew has mysteriously vanished! Weird…" Oscar pointed out the obvious as the two of them ran through the completely empty plane.
"Whoever did this doesn't play by the rules. Usually my enemies just kidnap you, this guy? He kidnapped everyone except you." Jaune looked around for the culprit, usually whenever these things happened, the bad guy was always so quick to announce themselves and report for their beating.
"We are through the looking glass." Oscar whispered.
"Oscar, remind me to dock the flight crews' pay for the hours they missed while being magically abducted." Kidnapped or not, he wasn't paying anyone for work they hadn't done. Schnee Corp was a business not a charity.
"And if there was any doubt he was a Schnee it's gone now. No offense Weiss." Blake sighed and buried her face in her hands.
"Some taken." Weiss spat out curtly, she was distracted from her annoyance by the return of Yang's little makeover group plus a girl she'd never seen before.
"No… Arc? Is that you? Wha-what did they do to you?" She whispered the last bit in awe.
"Haha. Laugh it up Weiss." Jaune deadpanned as he shuffled to his seat, flanked by a proud Yang and Pyrrha. His usual jeans, hoodie and armour combo was completely gone. Replaced by a purple dress and silver armour. Hair extensions had been added that reached all the way to his waist, all carefully braided up and held in place by a silver tiara. Black stockings and high heels completed the set.
"Well? What do you guys think? Did we do good or did we do good?" Nora gave the shocked audience a thumbs up and a bright smile, one that was mirrored by Yang.
"No. Way. How does Arc look better as a girl than we do!?" Weiss practically screeched, her mind thoroughly fried from what she was witnessing.
"Oh sure, rub it in some more why don't you? Damnit, I thought I got away from this when I left home!" Jaune's face was flushed red from embarrassment, he just wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole.
"So what are watching anyways?" Yang asked once they had locked Jaune down, no escaping for him.
"We're watching a version of the kid who's so much more Schnee than Jacques himself that he drove the man to an early grave. Oh and I see you still remember your makeup skills, good job." Qrow praised Yang and received a grin in exchange.
"They weren't just abducted Schnee, they were never here in the first place." Hazel said once Jaune and Oscar entered a briefing room, spinning around on his swivel chair.
"They were illusions created by me with the power of the Orichalcos!"
"So the Orichalcos can take people's souls, make monsters turn real and create illusions of hundreds of people?" Oscar stated in disbelief.
"Welcome to season four, the show where the magical powers are made up and the plot doesn't matter." Jaune sighed.
"I still haven't forgiven you for being related to someone who was vaguely associated with the death of my sister, Schnee! Let's duel!" Hazel said in his squeaky voice as he rose to his feet.
"And that's still a more believable reason to hate the Schnees than some members of the white fang have." Blake shook her head in frustration.
"Is it that bad in there?" Summer asked, when she was still around, the white fang weren't the terrorist group they were known as today.
"Some have valid grievances I'll admit." Blake said, thinking of Ilia.
"But with the benefit of hindsight, more than a few are just monsters looking for a good excuse to be monsters."
"In the interest of safety, there's absolutely no smoking in this duel. All dueldisks must be set to airplane mode and in the likely event that I completely own your ass in card games, emergency lighting will illuminate the exit so you can get the hell out of my life." Jaune hit a button and the table and chairs sank into the ground, leaving an empty space for them to duel in.
"I like this kid. I like him a lot." Roman grinned appreciatively.
"You have a button just to get rid of the furniture?" Hazel asked with a smirk.
"Of course I do, what kind of a fool plays card games on a table. What is this, the dark ages?" Jaune missed the sarcasm and answered seriously.
"You tell me Schnee, because once I win this duel and the seal of Orichalcos takes your soul, an age of darkness is all you'll ever know!" Hazel declared and displayed the card, a magic circle formed around him and expanded to encircle both duellists.
"What are those things on their arms? They're all glowy and stuff." Nora pointed at the duel disks and waited for an answer.
"Those are their dueldisks, they have hologram tech installed that allows them to summon holographic versions of their cards into reality. Unlike older field models, these ones are completely portable and cheaper to mass produce." Blank answered.
"So they can start playing card games anywhere huh. Must be real handy eh?" Yang joked and the audience just groaned in unision.
"Wah!" Oscar yelled out when he was tossed back into the stairs by the magic barrier. The plane rumbled in turbulence as the seal of Orichalcos took effect.
"We seem to be experiencing some rough air, for those of you in the Schnee Corp rewards program, we'd like to once again thank you for your patience, for those of you not in the program, flight attendants will be by shortly to poke you with sharp objects and make passive aggressive remarks about your appearance." A pre-recorded message played over the loudspeakers as a portion of the plane just vanished and the seal raised them both into the air.
"Behold Schnee, our duel will take place in the very heavens themselves." Hazel said with a smirk and Jaune just rolled his eyes.
"I imagine it'd be pretty cool… if I was actually duelling someone I cared about."
"Sick burns all around. All we need to do is get you punning and it'd be perfect. Isn't that right Jeanne?" Yang grinned and poked Jaune in the side, getting the cross-dressing knight to groan.
"No… no more… my dignity can't take much more of this."
"Erm Jaune? I'm not sure how to put this but… you don't really have any dignity left, not after you became vomit boy right before initiation." Ruby shrugged.
"Why thank you crater face. Your words are truly uplifting." Jaune gave Ruby a baleful glare.
"It's a good thing the auto pilot is engaged, or this could be seriously dangerous." Jaune said. The crew may be missing but the auto pilot was still working fine, as long as no one turned it off, he could crush the hopes and dreams of the moron standing before him.
Elsewhere on the plane, Oscar had made it to the cockpit. "Don't worry Jaune, I'll save us. Okay… let's see, how do I fly a plane? Well these buttons look important."
Oscar started pressing buttons at random and the loudspeakers came to life again. "Automatic pilot off, switching to manual."
Instantly, the plane started taking a nosedive. "Warning, plane descending too rapidly, collision with the ground imminent."
"Oh god, what did I do." Oscar said nervously as he looked around at the unfamiliar instruments.
"And that right there is why we don't say things to jinx ourselves, because the universe will definitely rise to the occasion and mess us up." Qrow said while staring at Ruby.
"Eheheheh… crystal."
"Now watch, as I magically force you to experience a flashback to someone else's memories, which is yet another thing the Orichalcos is apparently able to do." Jaune just stared blankly at Hazel while purple smoke engulfed him.
"Uh huh, got it." His vision went black for a moment before it slowly came back into focus, when it did so, the plane was gone.
"huh… wha? Where am I?" Jaune rubbed his head as he found himself in an underground shelter of sorts. Crates were stacked all over the place, containing medical supplies and food stuffs.
"That smell, that disgusting, repulsive smell. I'd recognise it anywhere." Jaune looked up as a hatch in the ceiling opened, several young kids ran in holding various cans before the last one shut the hatch behind him.
"Come on guys, lets get these supplies downstairs, we scavenged the heck out of this stuff." The lead child called out.
"Poor people." Jaune spat out derisively.
"Wow. Just wow." Weiss blinked in disbelief.
"My father may be completely obsessed with money but not even he's that bad… at least I've never seen him actually say something like that."
"As I said, he out Schneed your father." Blank said.
"Excuse me mister, but how'd you get into our secret hideout?" One of the kids that bore a passing resemblance to Oscar asked.
"Oh I'm not really here. This is just some illusion created by some Orichalcos punk in the hopes that it'll make me feel some sort of responsibility for how bad his life was. Let me guess, you're supposed to remind me of Oscar?" Jaune stared at the overly cheerful child whose home was clearly a warzone of some kind.
"Oscar? No mister, my name's Eren." The child denied, still smiling all the way.
"I'm gonna call you Noscar, and our relationship is going to be nothing like the one between me and my brother."
"Okay mister!"
"Shut up Noscar."
"My brother and I!" Weiss corrected by force of habit, blushing lightly when everyone else turned to look at her.
"Do I insult my brother a lot in that universe?" Jaune asked, more than a little weirded out by his onscreen self's almost casual disdain.
"Quite often actually. You do care for him of course, you just have a pathological inability to spit it out." Blank answered.
"Oh."
"I can't believe what I'm seeing here. This is worse than I could have possibly imagined." Jaune muttered under his breath as he and Noscar strolled through the destroyed city.
"Hazel's sent me to a place far more terrifying than the shadow realm. He's transported me into the plot of a young adult novel."
"Just when I thought he was going to grow a heart. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with the plot of a young adult novel!" Blake hissed out.
"Noscar answer me, how does a group of children survive in a war-torn environment like this." Jaune asked when Noscar sat down on some rubble to rest.
"We mostly get by by using our street smarts and ingenuity." Noscar replied.
"Yeah. Oscar's pretty good at handling dangerous situations too."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The scene changed to show Oscar struggling with the controls as the plane continued its out of control descent.
When it swapped back to Jaune's illusory world, they were on their way back to the hideout from their scavenging run. The sight of it burning in a raging inferno greeted them.
"NO! The hideout! It's been destroyed! I have to go save my friends!" Noscar tried to rush off only to be caught by Jaune's hand.
"Noscar no, you have to survive so you can be in the second book, Hunger Games 2 The Divergent Maze Runner!"
Noscar stopped struggling when the sound of tank threads rumbling reached them. "Oh no, the tanks are here! They've been shelling our city with artillery fire for months! And now that they've found us there's no escape."
"Oh dear." Roman pulled his hat down over his eyes so he didn't have to watch the two of them be blown away by the tanks.
"W-well it's just an illusion right? It's going to be fine?" Pyrrha offered.
"Hazel you fool! Didn't anyone ever warn you!?" Jaune roared as the tanks bearing the Schnee logo opened fire.
"Never bring a tank to a trading card fight!" Slamming his own cards down on his dueldisk, several mechanical monsters came into existence, taking the shots for him.
"So now you finally know the pain I felt when I lost my sister all those years ago Schnee. The guilt in your soul is as plain as the look on your face." Hazel said, appearing inside the illusion for the first time since it began.
"Look I get it Hazel, war is bad, death is bad, my adoptive father is bad. Now will you please stop beating me over the head with all this symbolism and end this pretentious charade already." Jaune snarled in frustration.
"What does the SDC or Schnee Corp in this universe have to do with all that though. What kind of a company is it? Since I guess dust doesn't exist there." Qrow asked.
"Schnee Corp used to be the leading arms manufacturing company, selling weapons to the highest bidder without care for the consequences. After Jaune took over though, they're now in the entertainment business." Blank supplied.
"The only way you're getting out of this is to face the sins of your family and accept that deep down, you and the rest of humanity deserve to be wiped out!" Hazel shouted.
"Or. I can just summon my XYZ Dragon Cannon and shoot my way out of here!" Jaune fired back and summoned a robot dragon tank. The normal tanks never stood a chance as it wiped them all out in a single blast of pure power.
"Yep, I guess that works just as good." Jaune stated when the flash died down and they were back on the plane.
"You were supposed to have an epiphany about the evils of humanity!" Hazel roared when Jaune just tore his plan to shreds without a care in the world.
"Instead I just had an epiphany about the awesomeness of my cards. Which are awesome." Jaune said flatly and pointed to his monster.
"Look at that! It's a robot dragon tank! That alone proves that humanity is worth saving. Because we made a robot dragon tank!"
"Yup, he's right." Jaune nodded in agreement
"Yup! One hundred percent correct!" Ruby added.
"Indeed, he has a robot dragon tank. Your argument is invalid." Nora finished.
"You've learned nothing from my heavy handed hallucination, so I guess I'll just have to beat you in a card game and take your soul! I play sky union!" Hazel declared and pointed one finger at the sky. Space warped and a black portal formed, before white light came shooting out of it.
"This allows me to sacrifice three of my monsters to summon my ultimate beast! Come forth! Air Fortress Ziggurat!"
Jaune could only stare at the behemoth overhead in shock. The sun itself had been blotted out by a flying fortress that dwarfed the jumbo jet in its entirety. Countless guns and cannons were bolted onto every available surface of the monstrosity. A single robot face crowned the front of it.
"My Ziggurat is the ultimate weapon Schnee! And it's aimed squarely at you." The smugness was just dripping from Hazel at this point.
"Are you kidding!? There's GUNs all over the DAMn thing! What isn't it aiming at!?" Jaune said as he took a step back. (Actual YGOTAS reference)
"So many guns…" Ruby was drooling in glee again at the sight of Ziggurat.
"RUBY! That's a bad guy! You can't root for the bad guys!" Yang shook her sister but Ruby was lost in dreamland, fantasizing about creating something like the Ziggurat in real life.
"You're just mad because my monster's design is cooler than anything you could come up with." Hazel smirked triumphantly and Jaune just spat to the side.
"No, I'm mad because I never wanted to know what one of Hideo Kojima's wet dreams look like. And now I do… so thanks for that." Jaune shrugged.
"This monster represents my sister Gretchen's untimely death at the hands of Schnee Corp's military division."
"Look, I understand how poetic this must seem, forcing me to suffer the way your sister did, yadda yadda yadda. But listen to me, I am not responsible for your sister's death, Schnee Corp doesn't even have a military division anymore." Jaune argued.
"You expect me to believe you didn't keep any of your weapons division tech lying around?" Hazel asked sceptically.
"I swear, on my life that we didn't keep a single flying war machine of death." Jaune growled out. It was the honest truth after all, after he disbanded the military division and shifted resources to the children's card game division, he didn't keep a single one of the machines.
"Well that's good isn't he, he's changing the image of the company?" yang shrugged.
"Yes… but something about the wording bothers me." Jaune narrowed his eyes at his counterpart.
On cue, the sound of rotors reached them above the howling winds. Several helicopters shot by the falling airplane and under the massive Ziggurat. "This is Schnee Corp war machine one on rescue approach with Death Squadron, how may we assist you Mr Schnee?"
Jaune sighed as Oscar popped up behind him. "hey Jaune, I called the war machines of death to come save us!"
"You lied to me!" Hazel roared.
"Good job Oscar. Real big help." Jaune's tone was flat as the flying war machines of death circled them. So what if the company didn't have a military division anymore, who throws away perfectly fine flying war machines of death?
"Yay! Go team Schnee!" Oscar cheered, missing his brother's ire completely.
"Well it technically wasn't a lie. He didn't keep a single war machine." Roman chuckled as he fingered a fresh cigar.
"No, he just kept all of them." Taiyang face palmed, even if he did appreciate the word play, it really backfired on him this time.
"AAAAHHHHHHHHRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" Hazel roared and a wave of magic surged through the plane, blowing out the windows and causing the cabins to depressurise. Jaune's paperwork was sucked out the window and into the void while Oscar was sent tumbling back.
"No! My paperwork! And also Oscar I guess. But mostly the paperwork!"
Ziggurat fired on Jaune and when the smoke cleared, Jaune's life points were down to a measly one hundred. "How does it feel to stare into the face of death Schnee?"
"Probably be way more intimidating if its face wasn't so damned adorable." Jaune joked as he stared at the comically out of place robot head on the Air Fortress.
"That's the face of my sister's favourite action figure, Dyna Dude!" Hazel corrected.
"Oh, you're right. Now I'm really intimidated." Jaune sneered.
"And speaking of your Dyna Dude, I activate soul exchange, this allows me to sacrifice two of your stupid robots to summon Blue Eyes White Dragon!" Jaune pointed at two of the robot soldiers on Hazel's side of the field and watch them fade away as his own trump card appeared.
A majestic white dragon appeared in the skies, challenging Ziggurat for dominion over the heavens. "And what do you hope to achieve with this Schnee? The two monsters are equal in strength thanks to the power of the Orichalcos. So if you attack and lose your dragon, it'll be a simple matter of taking your life points and your soul. All thanks to the power of-"
"The Orichalcos yeah, yeah." Jaune interrupted Hazel's tirade.
"You seem to have forgotten that the power of the Orichalcos is absolutely nothing compared to the power of whatever the hell trading card bullshit I pull out of thin air. And this time, it's my trap card Tyrant Wing." Jaune activated his trap card and the Blue Eye's wings glowed golden.
"Who needs military weapons of mass destruction when you can just use a good old fashioned dragon!" Jaune attacked with Blue Eyes, the dragon charged up and fired a beam of laser from its mouth, the beam punching straight through Ziggurat and sending it up in flames.
"NO! My Air Fortress!"
"Well, hard to argue with results. Go dragon! Break their legs!" Nora cheered for the engine of destruction on Jaune's side of the field.
"This isn't right Schnee, this whole duel was supposed to be a metaphor for the futility of war, and how everybody loses when they choose to destroy!" Hazel sputtered out as his plans fell to pieces.
"Well, you got the futility and losing parts down." Jaune snarked. Why every bad guy thought they'd be able to beat him was beyond his comprehension, all of them always acted like it was such a surprise when he inevitably handed their asses to them on a silver platter.
"Well, if I can't beat you in a duel, then I'm just going to not end my turn and let you die in a plane crash." Hazel said, as long as the duel didn't end, Jaune would be trapped inside the seal and they'd all die when the plane hit the ground.
"Oh come on! That's cheating!" Ruby pointed at the screen angrily.
"It is a valid strategy. A disgusting one maybe, but no less valid." Qrow frowned and sipped from his flask.
"Woah, nonono! Hang on, don't go. You gotta keep playing." Jaune hastily changed his tune to convince Hazel to end his turn.
"Why?"
"Because, you're doing so well. Look, you got three monsters and I've only got one. You're a shoo in." Jaune said in his best used car salesman tone.
"I don't know. Seems kinda like you're goading me." Hazel was unsure of Jaune's sudden shift in tone.
"Trust me, out of all the bad guy duellists I've ever faced, you are definitely the most likely to wipe the floor with me."
"Alright then, I end my turn." Hazel did as Jaune wanted and the Schnee just smirked.
"Can't believe that worked. So much bullshit there I'm surprised he can still see the field." Roman clapped in appreciation.
"FANG OF CRITIAS!" Jaune roared as he played his next trump card the instant the turns switched.
"Merge with my Blue Eyes to form Blue Eyes Tyrant Dragon! I should probably mention Hazel, you weren't even close to beating me." Jaune laughed as his ultimate weapon was ready and he could finally end this farce.
"WHAT!? But you said-"
"That you were the most likely to win? That's right. All my other opponents had a 0% chance of beating me. You had 0.1. But it was a big .1%, huge really. You should be proud of that." Jaune mocked his defeated opponent.
"Oh perfection indeed, if I ever have a son, I want him to be just like that!" Roman wiped a tear away from his eyes.
On the good guys side of the theatre, Yang was busy jolting down everything Jaune said in her notebook. More material for trash talk was always welcome.
"Now! Blue Eyes Tyrant Dragon! Destroy all three of his monsters!" The dragon fired on Hazel and the shockwave caused the plane to rumble.
"We seem to be experiencing elevated levels of turbulence. In an emergency situation, parachutes are available for five hundred dollars a head. In case of a water landing, Schnee Corp rewards program members may use those passengers not in the rewards program as floatation devices." Came the pre-recorded message as Hazel's life points dropped to zero and the seal of Orichalcos began closing in on him.
"Hazel, are you alright?" Oscar said as he went to check on the loser.
"Gretchen? Is that you?" Hazel was hallucinating now from the damage inflicted on him by the duel and the fact that his soul was being ripped out.
"It is you, we've been reunited at last." Hazel pressed a badly damaged action figure into a confused Oscar's hands.
"And it's all thanks to the power of the Oricha-" He didn't get to finish as the seal finished it work and his body fell to the ground face first.
"Yeah he's dead. Dibs on his crappy broken stuff!" Oscar shrugged and said nonchalantly and stared at the memento in his hands.
"That's a little unnerving. After everything that happened to that Hazel, wouldn't a little sympathy be in order?" Jaune asked.
"Normally yes. But this happens often enough that both of you stopped caring a long time ago. Also, joining an organisation whose singular goal is to steal the souls of everyone on the planet and seal them away kinda makes it hard to feel bad for you." Blank said.
"Ah."
"We're going to be the crappy broken stuff if we don't safely land this plane." Jaune rushed to the cockpit and started fighting with the controls, trying to pull the plane out of its uncontrolled descent. He cursed when the damage caused by the duel was more severe than expected and the controls weren't responding.
"Not even Microsoft Flight Simulator prepared me for this! This is just like that one recurring dream I have. Except in the dream I'm always saved at the last minute by magical dragons and it's the best day of my…" Jaune trailed off as his card deck started glowing and a white light shot out of it into the sky.
"God yes, it's actually happening!"
The scene cut away to Goodwitch and Ruby on the ground, although instead of Goodwitch's voice, it was Salem's for some reason. "Ruby, are you seeing what I'm seeing?"
"YYYYYYYEEEEEESSSSSSSS! YYYYYYEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS! YYYYYYYEEEESSSSSSSS!" Jaune's cheering could be heard as three dragons helped slow the plane and bring it down safely.
Ruby blinked once before replying. "That depends, do you see three legendary dragons helping a plane land while Jaune Schnee has what sounds like the biggest orgasm of his life?"
"YYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"
"Ruby!" Taiyang glared at his daughter for her counterpart's choice of words.
"It's not me dad! Other me!" Ruby frantically denied.
"You gotta admit, it is a pretty accurate description of what it looks like." Blake played devil's advocate and Weiss just sighed.
"Of course that's where your mind takes you first."
"Oh yeah? And what was your first impression Weiss?" Blake challenged, sending the white haired girl into a mess of stutters while blushing.
"That's! Um… er… nevermind!"
"Okay good, so I wasn't imagining that." Salem in Goodwitch's body said as the Jaune let out one last scream of ecstasy before the plane touched down with a crash.
"What's with… you know…" Ozpin trailed off, thoroughly weirded out by his ex-wife's voice coming out of his adjutant.
"Oh right, she's a good guy… girl? Here. She's part of ancient humanity and the one who sealed away the god of darkness. Her soul stuck around inside that pyramid hanging around her neck, and she ends up sharing a body with Glynda here after Glynda rebuilt the shattered pyramid."
"Ah." Ozpin said slowly, somehow Salem's situation was a strange parallel of his own and he wasn't sure what to make of it.
"It's all good though, she's been helping Goodwitch a lot and aside from moments of supreme arrogance and genre blindness, she's nice. At this point in the universe though, Goodwitch's soul was stolen by the Orichalcos and she's on a quest to steal it back." Blank said.
"Well, that's… not something you hear every day." Goodwitch spoke up.
As the two of them met up with Sun and Neptune, they approached the plane and watched with bated breath as the doors were kicked open. Jaune emerged from the plane carrying the soulless body of Hazel in his arms.
"I AM NOW A MEMBER OF THE MILE HIGH CLUB!" Silence dominated the area as the four just stared at Jaune.
In the audience though, things were different. Taiyang and summer were both blushing hard, Yang was snickering and Qrow had collapsed to the floor choking for breath as he laughed his ass off. Roman and Neo were doing pretty much the same.
"Oh my. Very unfortunate choice of words there." Blake said, wiping away a trace of red from her nose.
"What? What's wrong with the mile high club?" Ruby asked, not getting it.
"Yeah? What's so funny guys? I don't get it either." Jaune was equally clueless, Pyrrha just clapped him on the back and fell apart laughing.
"Well you see Jaune, it's like this…" Ren leaned in close and whispered the true meaning into Jaune's ears. The leader of JNPR paled considerably as he figured out what everyone was laughing at now.
"I guess Ruby was right, you never had any dignity to begin with. How improper." Weiss looked away, although the shaking of her shoulders and faint giggling clued everyone in to her true opinion.
"Why are you all looking me like that?" Jaune asked when he noticed the four staring at him with shocked looks.
"Schnee, what do you think the mile high club is?" Salem asked carefully.
"Isn't it where you beat someone in a duel while you're on a plane?" Jaune stated in a matter of fact tone.
"Actually-" Salem cut herself off when she looked into Jaune's completely serious visage.
"No, yes, you're right. That's exactly what it is." She finished, not wanting to shatter Jaune's delusions.
"MILE HIGH CLUB!" Jaune cheered one last time as the screen faded to black.
The audience erupted into laughter again as Jaune buried his face in his dress from pure unadulterated embarrassment. "Someone kill me now please!"
"I still don't get it!" Ruby growled and her dad just patted her on the head.
"Don't worry, someone will explain it to you when you're older."
"But I wanna know now!" Ruby whined.
"One thing, Jeanne, you've already cleared up your motion sickness on airships haven't you?" Yang shot Jaune a questioning glance.
"Jaune! My name is Jaune! Not Jeanne!" The dress wearing blonde knight groaned.
"Keep telling yourself that Jeanne, but really you've gotten over it haven't you?" Yang snickered.
"Yesssss… so I have. Why? Don't worry I won't be vomit boy anymore." Jaune answered after a second of grumbling.
"Well then… maybe you might just become an actual member of the club in the future eh?" Yang whispered in a soft voice, just loud enough for him and Pyrrha to hear.
"Bwuh!?" Jaune's mind crashed.
"Oh, and cereal girl can join in too of course. Whaddya say lover boy?"
"BWUH!?"
"Not a bad idea actually." Pyrrha said after considering it for a moment.
Jaune's mind couldn't take it anymore and shut down completely. Slumping into the couch, he was out like a light, getting both girls on either side of him to laugh.
"Oh you're just too easy to tease, Jaune." Yang chuckled.
"I wasn't kidding though." Pyrrha said while poking at Jaune's cheek, smiling gently when Jaune started mumbling incoherently.
"What a coincidence, neither was I. You sure you up to it P-money?" Yang shot back with a challenge.
"Questions is, are you?" Sparks flew between the two girls as neither intended to give ground.
"Mile high club eh? Renny! We can't let half of JNPR become members like that." Nora declared and pulled Ren into a hug.
"Huh!? Uh sure, if you dislike the idea so much we can try convincing them not to."
"What? No, of course not. I'm saying we should become members first." Ren stared at Nora, blinked once, twice, and then he took a page out of Jaune's book and promptly fainted. Nora just giggled and hugged him closer.
"You're not getting away from me that easily Renny."
"Well that's it for the viewing, feel free to go refresh yourselves once you're done laughing." Blank said as his audience was still too stuck in their mirth to properly respond.
"Until next time then."
Author's notes: Nothing to see here, still on vacation. Hope you enjoyed the chapter.
Cast list:
Jaune Arc as Seto Kaiba
Oscar as Mokuba
Hazel as Alister
Gretchen as Mikey
Salem as Atem
Glynda Goodwitch as Yugi
Ruby as Tea
Sun as Joey
Neptune as Tristain