I hope everyone's enjoying this story! I'm having so much fun posting this. I think it will be up and completed by the end of February! Then, I can't wait to update my other fics. I've missed this fandom so much! Fanfic is just my guilty pleasure/addiction/major way to procrastinate. I can't stay away lol. Even when I wasn't posting, I was reading sooooooooo much fic. Anyway, please enjoy the chapter and review! Hopefully all my errors are fixed.
12
Don't Think Twice, It's All Right
His weary eyes watched me as I crossed the room. After his confession, I knew I couldn't be alone tonight. However, in this moment, I could barely breathe. Was this a good idea? Holding my favorite picture of my mother—the last picture of my mother—I closed the distance between Edward and me. In this photograph, she was smiling with such a peaceful look on her face, it brought tears to my eyes. On my mother's face was a look of acceptance. She had understood that while she didn't have forever, she had that day—that moment.
Edward sat on the couch in my living room, giving me a curious look. His expression was guarded while he appraised me. He'd had a short while to calm down after his confession, but his energy was just as raw.
"I wanted to show you something," I murmured as I took a seat next to him on the couch. With a shaky breath, I handed him the photograph, cringing as it passed through my numb fingers. His eyes widened as he took in the image. "This is the last picture we ever took of her."
Looking down at Charlie as he played with his favorite stuffed animal on my living room floor, I allowed my mind to wander. My thoughts drifted back to that day in the hospital with her. I remembered every bit of the day vividly.
I had woken up late that morning after my alarm clock had fallen onto my face. My sister had been peering down at me when I opened my eyes, laughing at my expression. I remembered that, even in my disorientated, exhausted haze, I had found the sound of her laughter beautiful. I remembered the fly, which had flown into my room the night before buzzing around, annoying Alice to no end as we had gotten ready. I remembered the way the crisp day had turned gray and the way the sky had started to weep as our family had reached the hospital. That day, my mom had woken up in time for an early lunch, and the sun had been nice enough to peek through the clouds for her. One of our nurses had pulled back the curtains for her to see the small courtyard outside her window. Mom had smiled as the vitamin D soaked into her pores, and the sun had danced over her features.
"Isn't the day beautiful, Bella?" she asked as she gazed outside her hospital room window.
I straightened up in my seat, leaning over the bed to get a better look at her. "It's perfect. Why don't we go outside for a bit, Mom?"
"I don't know … Maybe if I'm feeling better after lunch, okay?"
She never wanted to tell me no.
"Okay …" I trailed off as I ran out of ideas on how best to entertain her.
I didn't like seeing her sad. She's so bored here. It's time for her to come home. We can't function without her.
"Will you be home for my birthday?" I asked timidly.
Her eyes widened for a moment before they became slightly misty. She smiled at me and gestured for me to sit next to her.
"Come here, sweet girl."
"Mom?"
"I want to talk to you."
I rose from my chair and moved to sit beside her. She wrapped her arm around my shoulder and pulled me close.
"I want you to promise me something, Isabella."
Her voice was serious. She was always serious whenever she used my full name.
"Anything."
"Take care of Alice and Daddy for me, okay?"
"Why? You'll be out of here, soon."
Her face relaxed, and for a moment, she looked almost peaceful.
"Well, while I'm in here, will you watch out for them? Make sure they're okay?"
"Of course, Mom. Anything."
"Good." She was silent for a moment and closed her eyes to enjoy the sun's hot beams. "Why don't we sit near the window. I want to feel the sun."
"What about going to the courtyard?"
"Later. Now, I just want to sit there."
I nodded, understanding. She never did well outside her room. I frowned.
"No sad faces," she cooed as she tilted my chin up to look me in the eye. "You promised me, Isabella. Only smiles."
"Only smiles."
She had sat near the window until the sun began to set. Sometimes, when I bathed under the sun's hot rays, I thought of her. I thought of the way she had looked as the sun cast beautiful shadows across her features.
"Hey," Edward said, his voice soothing as it pulled me from my contemplations. "Please don't feel like you've got to tell me anything, Bella."
"No," I replied, shaking my head as I tried to gather my strength. "I—I want to." My eyes filled with tears, and despite my might, I couldn't stop them. "You've got to know that you're not alone with this sort of pain, Edward. I've been dealing with it myself for so many years."
Before I could continue, he leaned forward and brushed his lips against mine ever so gently. Their sweetness teased me, causing me to momentarily forget about everything else. My body melted against his as I basked in the feel of him. Time suspended until he finally pulled away to breathe. He looked at me for a moment, giving me time to gather my scattered thoughts, before he dropped his gaze to the photograph in his lap. I watched him carefully as he looked at the image of my mother. As he scrutinized it, I wondered if he was noting our similar features. A smile tugged on his lips, and I felt my heart open up to him even more.
"She's gorgeous, Bella."
I love you, Edward Cullen. I'm in love with you.
The thought passed through my mind like a comet across the night sky, and my heart stopped for a moment as I realized the fleeting thought was true. In this moment, I loved Edward Cullen. How could I not love him? Isn't this love? Doesn't he love me? His expression as he gazed at the photo of my mother … the way he treats me … the way he puts me, and everyone, before himself … the way he hates to see me cry … the way he wants to take away my pain … Is that not love? Had the idea of love really become so foreign to me I hadn't recognized it sooner?
If my mom were here now, she would chastise me for not following my heart. My eyes dropped to her picture as Edward's words sunk in further. I quickly wiped away a tear before it fell from my thick, bottom lashes.
"Thanks. This was the last picture she let us take of her. She's wearing the wig I picked out for her. I chose my hair color so she and I could match," I told him as the memories moved through my mind like scenes from a movie.
Edward draped his arm over my shoulder, absorbing my grief. Taking a deep breath, I cleared my mind for a moment and gathered the strength required to continue.
"She passed away when I was twelve," I muttered, barely able to recognize my own voice. "She had been suffering for a long time, and while my dad was sad, he said it was good because her passing meant she was no longer in pain. However, as a pre-teen, I didn't see it that way. I was angry for such a long time … constantly looking for someone to blame. I blamed her doctors, her nurses, our family … until I realized there wasn't a single person left to point the finger at. Things like that just happened. Life doesn't care if it's being unfair, Edward."
Everyone died—even stars burned out. It was natural but never easy. Even now, after so many years had passed, I still struggled. I missed her with every beat of my heart—with every breath I took. A day never passed where I didn't think of her. What girl doesn't miss her mom?
While the question flew through my mind, I felt young and vulnerable. Suddenly, I seemed childlike. Even as an adult—even after she was gone—I longed for her comfort, her warmth, and her unconditional love.
"How did you deal with her death?" Edward quietly questioned, effectively pulling me away from my musings before the image of her overwhelmed me. "How'd you get better again?"
A small, wistful smile tugged at my lips. Getting better … does that happen for anyone? Did we ever truly recover from a loss? Did we ever get better, or did we merely learn to accept an absence in our lives?
"You never really 'get better' again. Not fully. I'll always bear a scar—the weight of her death. I just learned to carry it. You go on because you have to. My mother wouldn't have wanted me to wallow in my sorrow and self-pity. She would've wanted me to live—to be happy and accomplish my dreams. It took me a while to realize that. And, once I did, I moved forward with my life and did everything I could to make her proud."
As I finished, I wondered what my mom would have thought of me today. If she saw me now, would she be proud of me? Would she love the woman I turned into as she had loved me as a child? As I considered it, my eyes dropped to Charlie. Already, I loved him as if he were my own flesh and blood. I loved him like my mother surely loved me. Loves me. She's somewhere out there—she's inside of my heart—and she loves me.
Tension trickled out of my pores as my muscles relaxed. Somewhere, she loves me. Charlie smiled at me from his spot on the floor, no longer caring about the stuffed animal pressed between his chubby, little hands. Just as I had vowed to make my mother proud, Edward had made a vow, too. Seeing Charlie's bright, healthy smile, I knew that somewhere, Edward's brother was proud of him. Seth was probably more than proud of him. The thought made my eyes mist.
"It's just like what you're doing," I murmured as I continued to observe Charlie's gummy grin. "Charlie is Seth's, isn't he?"
Charlie belonged to the brother who died. The only brother Edward probably had.
"Yes."
His answer was clipped. Despite his collected façade, his wounds were fresh.
"You're doing the right thing," I assured him. "Your brother, Seth, would be so proud of you."
He is so proud of you, Edward. Don't you see that?
The fact that this beautiful, broken man couldn't see his own worth destroyed me. It was as if he didn't understand the importance of what he did each and every day. He was giving a little boy the father he needed—the father he deserved. I didn't have to understand the lurid details of his past to know it was far from clean. He may not have been perfect, but he was perfectly imperfect, now. He's perfect for me. He's perfect for Charlie, too. My gaze drifted to the little boy again, who was looking at his uncle with such reverence it left me breathless. A fractured sob caused my eyes to shoot to the man beside me, who was falling apart with his face buried between his calloused hands.
Instinctively, my arms wrapped around him and pulled his muscled frame against my soft curves. He was stiff in my arms but leaned into my embrace. His body shook against mine as tears fell from his dark, wounded eyes. He was so broken; as his emotions ran freely, he seemed so defeated by the world. His head came down to rest on my breasts, allowing their softness to soothe him. I ran a hand through his hair as I felt his tears dampen the fabric of my cotton shirt.
I held him closer, grateful he felt comfortable enough to fall apart like this in front of me. Only when I heard Charlie's cries did I pull away. After I gave Edward one chaste kiss on the head, I went to retrieve his nephew. Pulling Charlie into my arms, I tried to soothe his pain, too. Seeing his uncle fall apart agitated him. I saw how he itched to comfort him. Edward had pulled himself together slightly by the time I returned to the couch with Charlie. Immediately, Charlie screeched and flailed his arms around as he reached for his uncle.
"I'm sure all the emotion in the room is overwhelming him," I explained as I handed him the crying baby.
Edward frowned, looking guilty as he took his nephew from my arms. I knew he felt like he had to be strong for him, but he was only human. He couldn't build walls around himself to shut everyone out; he couldn't carry the weight of those deaths alone.
Once, I had tried to be alone, too. I had tried to bottle up every emotion I had. I had never wanted anyone around me to realize how broken I was. I had never wanted anyone to tell me they understood. I hadn't cared if they understood because, at the time, I had felt like no one would fathom the pain in my heart. I had acted as if I had been the first person to ever lose someone. Now, I felt silly. I had been angry for so long because I had been too afraid to be honest. I knew Edward wanted to be a pillar of strength for his nephew; I knew he believed, above all else, that was what Charlie needed. But all Charlie needed was him—broken or otherwise.
The love Edward had for his nephew was palpable. It was painted on his expression as he held him close, silently willing away his pain. His love seemed boundless. I had to admit, my love for him was boundless, too. He may not have had his father—or his mother—but he had us. Could that be enough?
"I'm sorry I broke down like that," Edward said after a long while. His cheeks flushed. "I don't know what the hell came over me."
"It's okay. You haven't had any time to grieve, have you? You've been thrusted into the role of a parent before you really had time to say goodbye to your brother."
His shoulders slumped as a look of relief colored his features. With a tight smile, he quietly said, "Thanks for telling me about your mom. I know that must've been hard for you."
"It's not hard anymore." I shrugged—it was the truth. After many years, I had learned to accept things—I learned how to live again. "It's personal to me, but you're part of my life, Edward. I want you to know about my past."
"When you find the one, you'll know, Isabella. I promise you. You'll want them to know every part of you. You'll want to know every part of them."
"Is that how you felt about Daddy?"
"Of course." She smiled, peering at the picture of them posed on her bedside table. "Well, not at first. At first, I wasn't so sure. But—" She stopped, smiling.
"But?"
"'Time waits for no one.' Someone told me that once, and it has always stuck with me. Time waits for no one, but when you find that person, time will feel like it's standing still."
"I want to tell you everything, Bella …" He trailed off before he shook his head. With a clenched jaw, he continued. "I've just got to wait until I'm ready. I just don't want you to think …"
"Don't want me to think, what?"
What could he possibly say that would turn me away? We were both damaged goods. We were both broken in so many ways—fractured into so many pieces. He wasn't the only one filled with fear; I was afraid, too. I was worried if he knew my full truth, he would turn away; I worried that if he understood the complexity of my issues, he wouldn't want me. A small voice in my head screamed I was being foolish, but my paranoia was deeply rooted, causing my vision to blur. After my past, I wasn't sure if I could trust myself.
"I don't want you to think I'm fucking weak," he finally said.
"I could never think that."
"But you don't know everything about me," he insisted in a bitter voice. "Once you do, you might not look at me the same way."
"No matter what you tell me, I know nothing would ever change the way I feel about you."
His eyes widened slightly before his back stiffened. What's going on in that beautiful head of his? I cared for him so much it hurt. I wanted to express that—I wanted a relationship—but I wasn't sure where to begin, or if I should begin at all. Could I handle a relationship? Could I ever be "normal"?
Interrupting me from my thoughts, Edward added, "Nothing you could ever say would change my feelings for you, too."
He paused for a moment, and after a conflicted look appeared on his face for a fleeting moment, his shoulders slumped, and he dropped his gaze; his gaze fell to his nephew, who was sagging against the strong muscles of his uncle's arms. Charlie smiled at me, staring up with sleepy but happy eyes before he emitted a huge yawn, stretching his chubby arms over his head. After he was finished, he giggled and shifted in Edward's embrace, trying to get comfortable.
"I think I'm going to head back to my place and call it a night," Edward said, his tone rich with regret.
I didn't want to be alone tonight. I couldn't bear the thought of my empty apartment. I knew the quiet, while usually pleasing, would drive me mad tonight. My body needed comfort, and my mind needed to be occupied by something other than television or a good book. I needed a connection with someone. I needed Edward. Perhaps that made me weak, but I didn't care. The thought of being alone tonight, with nothing more than my thoughts, was unbearable. I yearned to feel his body against mine, comforting me as I needed him. I wanted to feel his strong arms embracing me. I wanted to feel his hot breath against my skin. I wanted to rest my head on his broad chest to hear the sound of his heartbeat, assuring me that he's alive and well. He may not love me, but I felt loved around him.
"Can I stay with you?" I questioned, hoping my voice didn't sound too desperate. "I just don't want to be alone tonight."
His gaze darkened as he looked at me before a sad smile tugged on his lips. "Of course," he murmured. "As long as you don't mind a crying baby throughout the night."
I smiled at this, feeling a weight being taken off of my shoulders. "I don't mind, Edward."
With that, I went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. As much as I wanted to look pretty for him, I knew it was not practical to go to bed with makeup on my face. So, I washed it off, feeling like a new person afterward, and brushed my teeth. I finished up my nightly routine, running a brush through my hopeless hair before changing into a pair of pajamas, which Alice had gifted me a few years ago. I had only worn them once—I always felt silly dressing up for a night by myself—so, it was nice to wear them tonight for Edward. As soon as I walked back into the living room, his eyes widened slightly, and judging by the look on his face, I could tell he appreciated my attire. It was nothing sexy—far from it, in fact—but I supposed I looked cute. He stared at me for a moment longer before he broke into a huge grin. Charlie giggled, apparently agreeing with my pink pajama set, as well.
After locking up my apartment, I followed Edward across the hall to his. While he unlocked his door and grinned at me, I breathed a sigh of relief, eager for the night ahead. This sort of adventurous behavior was certainly outside of my comfort zone. I was high from the shock as I realized what I was doing. Part of me believed I should be anxious; however, Edward's presence alone had a way of putting me at ease.
Edward opened the apartment door, and I noticed Charlie had already begun to nod off in his uncle's arms. Edward noticed, too, and smiled, relieved by the sight of his drowsy nephew. He ushered me inside, turning on the lights. Despite the scarcity of furniture and decorations, as well as the lack of warmth from the interior, this place felt like home to me. It felt comforting—just like its tenant.
"I was going to read Charlie a quick story before he goes to bed."
"Do you mind if I listen?" I asked, peering over his shoulder and into the nursery.
"Of course not." His cheeks flushed.
Who knew someone so intensely masculine could blush so much!
"His favorite story is Where the Wild Things Are," Edward said as he led me down the hall to Charlie's room. "Usually, by the time that one's finished, he's sound asleep."
To listen to Edward read was incredible. The deep tone of his voice soothed my mind as he told a tale I had been familiar with from childhood. While I had read this story many times, I was certain I had never sounded the way Edward had as he read to his nephew. The care he put into every word had been captivating. His voice rose and fell when appropriate, which had caused Charlie to become enthralled with the reading despite his exhaustion. Watching Edward's dark eyes scan the pages, and the way the muscles in his jaw tensed with every word, combined with the sound of his rough voice reciting the words had captivated me, too. As the story came to its close, Charlie had drifted to sleep.
"See, right on cue," Edward said as he carefully closed the book and placed it on the floor next to his chair.
With a loving smile on his face, Edward gazed down at his nephew, his eyes scanning as if they were trying to memorize Charlie's little face—attempting to take in every feature. When he was satisfied, he rose with Charlie in his embrace and carried him to the crib. Edward kissed his nephew on the forehead, holding him close for a moment before he gently lowered him onto his back.
Quietly, we moved to leave the room, turning off the lights and cracking the door before we made our way down the hall to the living room. My entire body sagged as I walked—my mind finally in a state of ease. A smile tugged on my lips as I realized this was better than I had felt in a long while. Today, I had gotten so much off of my chest, and while I hadn't told Edward everything about my past, I felt lighter now. Now, I felt closer to him than I ever believed possible. Never in a million years would I have imagined I could feel so close to another person.
I had so much to thank Edward for, but tonight, I was done with the heavy. We had disclosed so much about ourselves today, so I thought it was time we just relaxed. I just wanted to be,with him at my side.
Pulling out my phone, I asked, "Do you want me to order a pizza or something? I'm starving."
"That's cool. I was too upset earlier to realize how hungry I was."
Pulling up an app on my phone—because why talk to a living, breathing person on the phone when I could avoid social interaction?—I began to order some food for us.
"Great story, by the way," I commented as I scrolled through the topping options on the app. "I never knew someone could sound so sexy while reading Maurice Sendak."
He snorted at my comment, and I glanced up just in time to watch him roll his eyes and shake his head.
"Thanks," he replied with a roguish grin. "Maybe I could read one of your books to you? I'm sure I'd sound sexy while reading about 'throbbing cocks' and 'heaving bosoms.' "
My eyes bulged at the accusation, and I nearly cringed as I felt blood rush to my cheeks. I was sure because of my ivory skin my blush was extremely prominent. How does he know about what I read? Was he looking through all of my books? I only have a few bodice breakers! Were those the books he looked at? I could have died from mortification. I knew I shouldn't be embarrassed about what I read, but the thought of Edward knowing what I was interested in sexually made my skin flush all over.
"What books do you mean?" I managed to stutter out. "I don't have books like that."
"Whatever you say, my little liar." Edward winked at me. "I checked out the books on your bookshelves the first night you had me over."
"Well, I only read those every now and then," I lied while I wondered if my voice sounded too disingenuous.
"For 'recreational purposes'?" Edward asked, causing me to nearly choke as he cocked his brow at me.
If only he knew about the "material" I used for recreational purposes. Every time I touched myself, it's his face in my mind, the thought of his hands on my body.
"They happen to be great stories, thank you very much."
When he gave me an incredulous look, I couldn't help but snort.
"I've got no doubt about that."
"I guess you can read them to me," I finally said, teasing as I obliged him. "You know, to practice your oral skills."
He nearly choked on air at my comment; his dark eyes widened as he appraised me.
"I ordered a pizza," I changed the subject, knowing I wasn't bold enough to continue on our current path of conversation. "It'll be here in about twenty minutes. Want to watch a movie or something while we wait?"
Movies were safe, right? Now that we were alone in close quarters with the promise of the night ahead, I didn't know how to feel. The sensations Edward conjured up from within astounded me. After all the time I had spent around him, I was still amazed by the way the man affected me. For so long, I had worried I would never be able to feel this way again. I feared no man could stir up an emotion within me, causing such a delicious havoc in my life. When I looked at Edward standing before me in his inked, sinful glory, I felt everything imaginable. I wanted him to comfort me—love me—fuck me. I wanted him to pound into me until everything else turned into a colorful blur. Just thinking these thoughts caused me to feel as if I were blossoming into a new woman.
I had been meek for so long—weak for so long—and now, I felt strong and so incredibly beautiful. Edward could make me feel invincible with a single look. When he gazed at me with eyes filled with reverence, I felt like I could do anything—conquer anything—because he believed in me.
His eyes faltered, and he looked away, running a shaky hand through his hair. I wondered what he was thinking. I wondered if he felt the sweet tension building between us, too. With a crooked grin, he nodded his head toward the couch before he crossed the room to pick out a movie. I took a seat and, unable to help myself, allowed my eyes to wander along the lines of his muscular back, which was deliciously strained against the fabric of his cotton shirt, before my eyes fell to the curve of his ass, which was perfect as he bent over a few feet in front of me.
I wonder what he would do if I reached out and ran my hand along his glutes before running my fingertips along the hard lines of his thighs. Maybe I was being perverse, but how could my mind think of anything else while Edward was bent over a few feet away.
After a few moments, he found the movie he was looking for and opened the DVD player. I watched his muscles undulate with every movement. I was so transfixed by the sight of him, I barely noticed his film selection until the eerie title music began.
He joined me on the couch, allowing me to curl up against his hard body as we watched the Colorado mountains move across the screen, taking us deeper and deeper into the movie on a journey to the Overlook. I shuddered, cozying up to the man next to me.
"The song in the opening credits always freaked me out," I explained as Stanly Kubrick's name flashed across the screen.
"Are you okay to watch this movie? I thought you said you liked this one."
I had seen The Shining more times than I could count. Despite living alone, I loved being scared; I loved having to constantly look over my shoulder after a movie, too terrified to be rational. Usually, I curled up with a pillow on my lap and wouldn't utter a sound. But, with a handsome man I was more than attracted to pressed against me, I had a feeling this movie would affect me more than usual.
"I do like it," I quipped. "I just find it eerie, Edward."
I pressed closer to him, causing him to tighten his hold on me.
While the movie drew us in, we sat in a comfortable silence, soaking in the emotions filling the air. In the silence, I contemplated how nice this was—how content I felt. Our pizza arrived, and we ate while our eyes remained locked on the television, enjoying each other's company.
My mind began to drift, moving from one thought to the next with Edward as a constant. With my gaze locked on the screen, I saw his angular face in my head, tracing its sharp lines in my mind's eye. I thought of his smile, his smoldering gaze, and his dark eyes crinkling as he broke into laughter. My mind drifted. Soon, I imagined his body—what it must look like underneath the T-shirt and jeans he always wore. I imagined his inked, muscular frame covered in sweat. I imagined his muscles as his body thrusted into mine, becoming one. My breath caught in my throat as my already overactive imagine ran wild. Just the thought of him alone made my underwear wet; I couldn't begin to imagine how I would feel if my musings became a reality.
Despite my emotional exhaustion, my body was flushed with desire. Time and time again, I tried to focus on the movie, but the fact that I had seen it many times coupled with the gorgeous man at my side made it hard to concentrate on anything more than the stirrings in my body. Every time I was around this man, my body opened up as if it had been awoken from a long slumber. In many ways, it had. My senses had been asleep for far too long; now, they were overwhelming.
Pressing my legs together, I tried desperately to ease the tension, but it was all to no avail. Focus on the movie, Isabella. Don't push things further than your psyche is willing to go. Although we wouldn't do anything tonight, we would eventually venture to uncharted territories. I wanted to feel how much he cared for me. In return, I wanted him to feel how much I cared for him. I wanted him to touch the spot between my legs, which ached for him. I wanted him to make me forget about everyone before.
With a deep sigh, I focused my attention on the movie, becoming enthralled with the plot as I pushed all other thoughts away. I kept my legs pressed together as the sensation never went away. I wondered if Edward noticed. Would a man even notice something like that? I was sure I felt like a ball of tension beside him. Leaning farther against his side, I prayed one day I would have the courage to ask him to release the built-up tension coiling inside of my body.
As the movie came to its close, I breathed a sigh of relief, happy to have gotten through it without embarrassing myself. There was something about the close quarters, surrounded by darkness, which made everything so much more intimate. It was like there was only us and nothing else. In the darkness, the outside world didn't matter. In this moment, there was only him.
Wanting to break the tension in the room, which I was sure was created from my own doing, I commented on the movie, saying, "I love the movie, even though it's nothing like the book."
Wow, way to string together a coherent sentence, Isabella!
Edward smiled at me before rising from the couch to grab another film.
"You a big Stephen King fan?" he asked with a glance over his shoulder.
"Yes," I replied, straightening my back. "I love all of his classics. I haven't gotten the opportunity to read any of his new stuff, though, since I've been swamped with work."
Edward turned his head and gently smiled as he replaced one DVD with another. "I can't remember the last time I read something other than a kid's book."
My eyes widened at his comment. Although, I completely understood; I couldn't imagine a life without reading. In a way, books had saved my life. When I was surrounded by constant darkness, opening a book was like a hug from a forgotten friend.
"Well, you should get back into it," I replied, hoping he would find time for some self-care eventually. "You can get lost in another world."
Standing up, Edward gave me a brilliant smile before he walked toward me, joining me on the couch. There was a tenderness in his eyes I didn't miss. I looked away as the opening credits jarred me. My eyes shot to the television to find Basket Case beginning. Edward slid his right arm around my shoulders, pulling me comfortably against him. In this moment, we truly felt like a couple. We were so comfortable around each other—so open—it was as if we had known each other for many years. I didn't know if I believed in fate, but when I was with him, it felt like everything happening was predestined.
He had held me throughout the movie, and considering my state of arousal, I was hyperaware of each and every move he made. I noted the way his thumb had rubbed circles on the flesh of my arm; I noticed the heat of his skin as it had pressed against mine. I had even recognized the changes in his breathing. I hadn't been able to focus on the movie as it reached its close. Thankfully, I had seen it a few times before—I would have been mortified if we had watched something I had been unfamiliar with and he asked me my thoughts. I would have had to be vague because I wouldn't have wanted to say, "Sorry, I was too distracted with your body to pay attention to the film." God, I would have died of mortification.
As the credits rolled, Edward turned his attention to me and asked, "You really want to stay the night?"
Does he not want me to? Am I being far too eager? Blood rushed to my cheeks as I tried to shove my innate shyness away, answering, "Is that all right? I wouldn't want to impose."
"Of course, it's all right," he answered quickly, standing up from the couch before proffering his hand to me.
I placed my hand in his and rose from my seat, too, following him to his bedroom down the hall. As we moved, my heart thumped wildly in my chest; so loudly I feared he may hear it. I was sure he could feel my rapid pulse as my palm was pressed so tightly against his. I couldn't help it—I had been wondering what his bedroom looked like for some time now. Just the thought of being alone with him in this room was enough to cause frantic palpitations.
Isabella, stop being ridiculous! You're not a virgin, so what do you have to be so bashful about? It's just a man's bedroom! You two aren't going to have sex, so chill the heck out!
From the moment I stepped foot in his room, I smiled. It was so minimalistic—so Edward. There was a desk in the corner of the room, an older television sitting atop an equally aged dresser, and a king-sized bed with off-white sheets. While it wasn't anything extraordinary, I fell in love with it instantaneously.
"Well, this is it," Edward said with a wave of his hand. With an abashed smile, he continued. "You can go ahead and get into bed if you want. I've just got to change into my pajamas and brush my teeth." He looked at his bed, grimaced, and said, "The sheets are clean. And feel free to turn on the TV. I know it's old, but it still works."
I spared the television set a glance and smiled, remembering having something similar when I was growing up.
"I haven't seen a CRT TV since I was a kid."
I climbed into bed, quickly making myself at home there. Snuggling beneath the sheets, I gave him a relaxed grin.
"It's really cool, though," I added.
He stared at me for a few heartbeats before he gave me a tight, uncomfortable smile. I opened my mouth to say something, wanting to put his mind at ease, but remained silent. I wondered if he was just as nervous with the prospect of us sleeping together in the same bed as I was. The question danced in my mind as I watched him turn on his heel and stalk off to the bathroom. The bathroom door shut, and the lock clicked into place. He must not want my company. God, like I would follow him into the bathroom anyway. I bet he's naked in there. Jesus, my thoughts are too embarrassing. Thank God, I'm not much of a talker. I would embarrass myself on the daily.
Cringing at my internal monologue, I lay in bed, considering how he would react once he joined me. As I lay there, peering up at the ceiling while my eyes traced its simplistic patterns, I realized tonight would be the first night I had ever slept with a man. In my one and only relationship, we had never spent the night together. He had always been "too busy" for that, despite my copious protests.
Even when I had been passed out—unable to care for myself—he had left me there. When I had been with him, I had been blinded by love. All I had wanted was to feel his warmth every night. Back then, I had wanted to feel loved by someone. At the time, I'd had no idea sex and power plays were all our relationship had been to him.
Edward is so unlike him. Already, he's his polar opposite in every way.
I crammed those thoughts away—this wasn't the time or place for them. This bed signified a new beginning. Already, I knew I was a changed woman. A few months ago, I would have been crippled with anxiety under these circumstances. A few months ago, I wouldn't have been in these circumstances at all. However, now I was fine. I knew Edward well enough to believe I had nothing to fear. I had a feeling he would never pressure me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with—he didn't appear to be the type.
As I waited for his return, I grabbed the remote, wanting the television to distract me from reality. The silence had always bothered me because, in silence, my mind wandered to places I intended to keep closed off. Mindlessly, I flipped through the channels on the TV. There wasn't much—at least, not for someone who had become accustomed to On Demand subscriptions and seemingly endless channels—but, I managed to find Cartoon Network. I smiled, feeling young as I lay snuggled warmly beneath the layers of sheets.
I felt him enter the room; every hair on my body seemed to stand as the electricity surrounding him filled my air. My eyes shot to him as my breath caught in my throat. He looked so perfect. He looked at me with bright, mischievous eyes, and time suspended. Are we really doing this? Am I really sharing a bed with a man? He smiled at me, and whatever anxiety was left in my body evaporated.
Suddenly, feeling bold, I patted the space beside me on the mattress and questioned, "You coming to bed? I thought you were tired?"
He gazed at me for a few moments longer before he crossed the room to join me. While a piece of myself experienced spine-tingling nerves, another, more prominent part felt as though this was the most natural thing in the world—as if we had done this a thousand times. When he slid onto the mattress, burrowing beneath the covers, there wasn't a hint of awkwardness. The tenderness in his eyes thawed my heart.
As soon as he was comfortably in bed, he reached out and gently pulled me against his side. My body stilled for a moment as a shiver ran down my spine. My back arched off the bed slightly, and suddenly, I wanted to do all of the things I had dreamt of doing with him. I wanted to become lost in his body while he became lost in mine. In the darkness of the room, we lay comfortably for a long while, neither of us uttering a word. The only sound in the darkness was the soft whisper of our breaths. Emotion sat heavy on my heart, and while I wanted to open my mouth to utter the words, I kept quiet, not fully understanding my feelings for him.
Charlie's cries paused my musings. Edward stiffened beside me, seemingly disappointed with the interruption from our quiet night together. I was disappointed, too; however, I understood what came first—I wouldn't have had it any other way. I loved Charlie so much. Just as much as I loved his uncle.
"Do you mind if I bring his crib in here?" Edward asked as he jumped out of bed, away from my warm embrace. "I do it most nights, so I don't have to keep going back and forth between his room and mine."
I gave him a sleepy smile and nodded before he smiled in return and left the room to retrieve his nephew. As soon as he was gone, I moved to the bathroom to freshen up, feeling paranoid now that I was in such close proximity to this man who had consumed my every thought. Venturing across the room, I heard him talking to his cute, little guy in his room at the end of the hallway.
His deep voice spoke in pleasant tones, causing Charlie to coo. I smiled, touched by the interaction. I hurried to the bathroom, knowing Edward would be back any moment, and quickly relieved myself before I washed my hands. As I lathered up with his store brand bar of soap, I eyed his toothbrush as I ran my tongue along my teeth. He wouldn't mind, would he? I shrugged and grabbed the toothbrush before I applied a dime-sized amount of toothpaste and began to brush. We're close enough for this sort of thing, aren't we? I mean, we have kissed before. Just the thought of his lips pressed against mine caused me to smile around the toothbrush between my opened lips as I leisurely brushed before rinsing.
Returning to the bedroom, I found Charlie posed on the center of the bed, peering up at me with a wide, sleepy smile. The ends of his mouth twitched before his smile broadened, and he tried to move his little body across the bed to reach me. I looked to Edward, who was situating Charlie's crib by his bedside. Our eyes meet, and he grinned similarly to Charlie.
"I used your toothbrush. I hope you don't mind."
Crossing the room, I picked up Charlie and held him safely in my arms, bending down to brush a kiss against his soft head of hair.
Charlie giggled at the sensation and pulled away to peer up at me. He gazed at me for a moment, his eyes searching mine, before he brought his little hand up to brush against my face.
"He likes you a lot," Edward mused, causing my eyes to shoot up to meet his.
He was watching us with a thoughtfulness brightening his features. His eyes were peaceful—happy—as he watched his nephew smiling in my arms. For a moment, it felt like every wrong in the world had corrected itself. This was a feeling of profound relief; for so long, I had felt pathetically aimless—walking through life without a sense of direction or purpose. The periods of darkness in my life had subsequently caused me to throw myself into a career—never once had I considered anything more for myself. After my fucked-up past, what importance was a future?
"Well, that's good," I respond as my eyes dropped down to view the happy boy in my arms, "because I love him, too."
Charlie cooed at this, causing my heart to blossom. The air surrounding us was heavy with emotions as if they were emitting through our pores. The darkness that surround my life—surrounded all of our lives—was nowhere to be found. We were each other's salvation. Holding Charlie close, I made a promise to never let him go. I never want to lose this.
Fear nagged at the edges of my contentment. Have I found happiness too quickly? Things in my life rarely had been beautiful. When they had, that beauty faded into so many different things—none of those things had been happy. Any moment of happiness seemed to be followed by a moment of grief. So, now, I was terrified. What if I managed to lose this somehow? What if these two incredible people weren't meant to be mine forever?
I brushed away the darkness as I watched Charlie drift to sleep in my embrace. His little body was relaxed in my arms, and in his sleep, he grinned. I wondered if his smile was because of me. I looked to Edward, who was still watching us, before I walked Charlie to his crib, placing him gently on his back.
"He's such a good baby," I commented tenderly.
"He's not always like that," Edward replied with a gruff laugh, his deep voice causing my body to relax even further. "I think it's just you."
I smiled, wondering if he was merely saying that as I joined him on the bed. Laying next to him on the mattress, I found my body was like water—completely fluid and relaxed. With Edward at my side, my body melted against the mattress; my limbs felt weightless as I drank in the sight of him. His muscular form was sprawled out on the bed, his strong legs tangled with the thin white sheets. I want to lick every inch of him.
His dark eyes swept over the curves of my body, giving special attention to my breasts and hips before ascending to my face.
"Hey," he began somewhat awkwardly, "how about this weekend I take you out? Just you and me? I could ask my parents if they'd watch Charlie."
His face was hopeful, and his eyes were pensive as he awaited my response.
Does he really believe I'd say no to that? How could I say no to him ever? Why would I ever want to? His insecurities baffled me at times. Snuggling closer to his side, I used my body to reassure him.
"I'd like that."
I smiled as his frame relaxed significantly.
Wrapping his thick arms around me, he held me comfortably against his chest. I inhaled the smell of his cologne: earthy aromas mixed with a smell that was unique to Edward. Relaxing deeper, I nodded off as I moved with the rise and fall of his broad chest. Who knew the feeling of someone's breath could be so beautiful? As we lay in the darkness, I made another promise to myself: I wouldn't let this family slip through my fingers.
I deserved happiness. I deserved to be loved. I had not been used up; I wasn't the piece of garbage I had once believed myself to be. I was a good person—Edward was a good person—and we both deserved something more. Until this point, life had never been easy for me. With Edward, dealing with my demons seemed manageable.
With Edward, all my nightmares faded away, leaving me with nothing but dreams.