Hey everyone! For some reason when I uploaded chapter 13, the site didn't register it and update the update date or move it up on the main page. If you follow me or the story you got a notification for that chapter, but if not you wouldn't have. So if you didn't see Chapter 13, make sure you read it before this one. Enjoy!

Chapter 14

John continued to eye Anna cautiously the entire trek to the big house. She was moving slowly and John wasn't sure how to convince her to go back home. While Dr. Clarkson had said she could go back to work after two weeks, he had mentioned that it must be light work. It also didn't account for the lack of sleep Anna had over the last weeks and lack of food; she had barely eaten in two weeks. Her frame was frail and John was worried she would fall right over.

"Anna," his voice was careful. "Don't overdo it today. Dr. Clarkson said at two weeks you could only go back if you felt able and to only do light work. Perhaps, only stay for a couple of hours. Take time to regain your bearings."

Anna paused and an array of emotions covered her features. Her lips twitched slightly, before she offered John a forced smile. "I…I feel fine." John's lips fell into a straight worried line. Upon seeing his face, Anna threaded her fingers through his and held his hand tightly into her own. "I want us to move forward; I want us to be happy again."

John sighed. "I want us to be happy, too, my darling. But you have been through so much. You were lying in bed staring at the wall for nearly two weeks. I am not sure you are ready…."

"I am," Anna cut off. Her words sharp. Realizing her tone, her cheeks softened and she pushed out another smile. "I had my time to dwell on it all. Don't worry about me, Mr. Bates. I am made of sterner stuff."

He could feel his jaw tighten and concern fill his frame. He knew his wife. While she was strong, even the strongest of people would break under all of the pressures life had placed on her. All she was doing now was putting more pressure on herself to move past it all and not allow herself to grieve and process it all correctly. She still hadn't cried.

"Promise me you'll take it easy," John said lightly, trying to hide all of his concern. Anna nodded and then stepped forward. She perched herself onto her toes and pressed a quick kiss to John's. It was a forced kiss; John could feel her tense lips against his. But when she pulled away, he offered her a small smile and squeezed her hand that was still within his.

The two continued on their journey. As they reached the house, John felt Anna slow her pace. Glancing to her, he saw the anticipation of returning on her face. Her eyes were quickly jerking back and forth over the building and her lower lip had begun to tremble slightly. Once she realized John was looking at her, however, she forced out a tight smile.

"It feels good to be back," she lied.

John felt a bitter taste in his mouth from her lies. He thought they had moved past lying to one another. It broke his heart that Anna couldn't be honest with herself or with him about how she was feeling. There was no way to help her until she was.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna's heart was racing so harshly that she was sure she would pass out. John opened the door for her to enter the building and she nearly fainted. Closing her eyes briefly, Anna breathed in deeply and pushed herself past her fears. There was no other choice. The only place she could go was forward. John deserved that.

Stepping into Downton, she could hear the bustle of everyone. It was familiar and, in many ways, a reminder of home. If she could focus on that one feeling, she could make it through the day.

"Anna?" Mrs. Hughes' shocked voice came from the end of the hallway. Anna tensed her shoulders and prepared for Mrs. Hughes to scold her. She walked down the hallway and her eyes went between John and Anna, unapprovingly. "What is all this?"

"I'm….I'm ready to come back to work," Anna strongly stated. Despite the strength of her words, Anna's legs were wobbly. She was already growing weaker and the day hadn't even begun.

Mrs. Hughes glanced at John and the two exchanged quick glances. Anna's lips tightened. They had no right to decide what she could and couldn't handle. She opened her mouth to speak, but Mrs. Hughes spoke first.

"Lady Mary has been dressing herself in the mornings and going down for breakfast with the others. So she won't be ringing for you this morning, Anna. I am sure we can find you something downstairs to do that won't take too much out of you." Anna gratefully sighed. Even if they weren't agreeing with her, they weren't making her go home.

"Alright."

They went to the servant's hall for breakfast. Upon seeing Anna, the entire room fell quiet. She quickly glanced down at the floor and began to pick anxiously at her fingers. She could feel everyone's eyes on her.

"It's so good to see you back, Anna," Baxter's kind voice broke through the silence. Anna slowly lifted her head and gave her a grateful nod.

"Th….thank you," she slowly replied. Everyone was still staring at her. What they were expecting from her, she didn't know. "I…..I need some work to keep me busy this morning. Do you have anything?" She asked Baxter. John was leading her to the table and had pulled a seat out for her to sit.

"Between Lady Mary and Lady Grantham there are quite a few shoes that need to be polished. I haven't gotten to…"

"I don't know if that's a good idea…." John began, knowing that would lead Anna into the boot room. The last room she needed to be in today. Mrs. Hughes seemed to be on the same wave length as John, because she had begun to protest as well.

"I'm sure we can find something else….."

But Anna interrupted them both. "I am happy to do that, Baxter. Thank you. It'll keep me off my feet this morning."

She could feel John shifting uneasily next to her, but she ignored it. She also tried to ignore the stares from all of those sitting around the table. Everyone seemed too afraid to say something to her about the loss, but they wouldn't stop staring.

Mr. Carson cleared his throat and thankfully it seemed to be enough to have everyone chatting back to one another. Anna's body eased slightly and she shuffled the food around on her plate.

"Would you like me to make you some eggs, Anna, dear?" Mrs. Patmore questioned, seeing that Anna wasn't eating.

"Um, no, I….I should probably get to those shoes." She quickly stood and tried to ignore the light cramping in her lower abdomen. Trying to keep up her courage, she rushed out of the servant's hall.

Reaching the boot room, she froze. Despite all of the times she had come back into this room since that fateful night, it still made her body react strongly with fear. She wanted to press her hands firmly against her ears to block out her screams. They still echoed off the walls.

A tighter cramp made her bite down on her lower lip and she pushed herself forward. Grabbing what she needed, she went to the table. A flash of Green's face over hers had her closing her eyes sharply.

You feel so good. His words bounced around in her head. This is what a real man feels like.

The crash of a plate against the floor and Mrs. Patmore's voice scolding one of the young servants made Anna's eyes pop open. She was okay. She was safe. He wasn't here. She repeated that mantra over and over in her head.

Taking a shoe, she tried to place all of her focus on the shoe. It was only lightly scuffed and Anna knew it wouldn't take long to polish. At the looks of the shoes, this particular task wasn't going to fill her time as much as she had hoped. She just wanted something, anything, to take her mind off it all.

She wiped harshly against the scuff.

"Mummy." Anna glanced up. A flash of auburn hair ran in front of the door. Her belly ached. She felt the rags on her breasts filling with milk. The brush dropped from her hand and her eyes fell to the spot on the floor where Green had forced her down and took everything from her.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Mr. Bates, do you have a minute?" Mrs. Hughes asked in her doorway. John nodded and followed Mrs. Hughes into her sitting room. He closed the door behind him and sighed.

"I know you want to speak about Anna; I do too," John quickly stated. "She is not ready for work."

"Why is she here today?"

John shook his head, "She says she wants to move past it all and pretend as though none of it happened." A loud sigh left his lips, as he ran his hand over his jaw. "She's lying to herself and everyone. She is not okay."

"No," Mrs. Hughes solemnly agreed.

"We need to keep a watchful eye on her, Mrs. Hughes. I fear she'll break down at the least opportune time. That's the absolute last thing she needs. She hasn't allowed herself to cry, yet."

Worry etched over Mrs. Hughes' features and she nodded. "No, she does not need that. You couldn't convince her to stay home?"

"No, I couldn't. I tried. I am so very worried about her," John confessed.

"That poor girl has been put through the ringer. I will help you watch over her."

"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes."

He stepped out of the room and swallowed hard. His chest felt heavy and it had been feeling heavy ever since the night Anna lost the baby. Once they had come to the decision to keep the baby, there had been some hope in the darkness. A light to ward off some of the pain, but now that light was gone. The overwhelming despair was on top of them, ready to crush them both.

With the tip of his finger, John wiped the edge of his eye. He couldn't cry, not now. He had to be strong for Anna, be strong for them both. He feared if he wasn't that he would lose her to the darkness.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Mary's brows were deeply creased and her lips pierced into an uneasy line. She made her way down to the downstairs and made a beeline for the boot room. What Baxter said to her had to be wrong, there was no way Anna was back to work already.

Slowly opening the boot room door, Mary found Anna sitting eerily quiet. Her lips were moving, but no sound was leaving them. There was a paleness in her cheeks, which made it look as though she had seen a ghost. Mary's shoe was in her grasp and her hand was clutched so tightly against it that her knuckles had grown white. A sigh left Mary's lips as she saw dampness around Anna's breasts.

She remembered how long it had taken her breasts to dry up after George had been born. She had been too despondent to nurse her new baby and yet her milk kept trying to remind her that she had a baby to feed, to care for.

"Anna, let's change the flannel in your dress," Mary calmly stated. At her voice, Anna jerked out of her trance and glanced up at Mary.

"I….I'm sorry, m'lady. I'm not sure….." Anna replied as brightly as she could manage.

"It's fine," Mary quickly said. "Now, let's change this flannel, shall we?" Anna glanced down at her chest and her face blanched. "Should I get Mrs. Hughes to help? I'm afraid I don't know where the extra cloths are." Anna's head shook sharply.

"I will handle it, m'lady. Do you need something? I…I was told you wouldn't need me this morning or else I would have…."

"I didn't; I came down to check on you," Mary replied. Mary watched as Anna stood from the stool and clutched on the edge of the table for support. Her eyes narrowed at her Lady's Maid and she shook her head. "You should rest, Anna."

Anna's lips curled into a tight, forced smile. "I'm fine, m'lady, truly."

"No, you are not fine, Anna," Mary said bluntly. "I will see about Mrs. Hughes setting you up a place to rest." Mary could see that Anna was struggling with how to respond. "I am sure there is something we can find you to do to fill the time, but something you can do in bed."

"Thank you, m'lady."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

On the walk back home, Anna was lost in her thoughts. While she had been grateful for Lady Mary's intervention, in many ways it had just reminded Anna of what she still couldn't do. She couldn't move forward as quickly as she wanted. She wished she could close off all the painful memories. She had thought going into work would make it easier, make the memories sit back while she filled her day with things to do. But the moment she walked into the boot room, they began to overwhelm her.

John opened the cottage door for her and she told herself that she could do this. She could defeat this pain, this sadness. Taking a few steps forward, she paused in front of John. Her hand encircled his and she offered him the smallest of smiles. He deserved so much more than she was giving him.

"In a few more weeks, I'll be able to give you everything you deserve, John. You've been waiting too long for me," she said, as her fingers twiddled around his. John's free hand came up to rest upon her cheek and he shook his head.

"I have everything I want and more, Anna. I will not allow you to push yourself in any way for my benefit." Her lower lip quivered, but only slightly and she swallowed hard.

"I…I won't be," she lied. The lying was becoming easier. At her lie, John sighed.

"We should go and visit Katie," John told Anna. He felt as she tensed beneath his touch. He waited for her to snap at him or scream. She did neither.

"No," was all she said, stepping back from John's hand. "I….I should probably go change."

John's jaw clinched as he watched his wife walk away. In many ways, he wished she had gotten angry. Her lack of anger worried him as much as her lack of tears. Sighing, he closed the door.

To be continued...

I think I'll get one or two more updates before I leave. I don't think any of my stories will be completed before I am back in January. Sorry about that, but I do hope you enjoy what you have read so far! Thank you!