Back with an update - enjoy :)

And thank you for all your kind words on my last update!

Chapter 14

Cautious whispers, silent sobs, monotonous ringing of telephones. All of it pretty much summed up their time spent waiting. Just waiting. Nathan sighed as he glanced across at Taylor sleeping on Owen's shoulder and Lydia the other side of him. She wasn't asleep but she wasn't really awake either.

Another creeping wave of nausea washed over him and he pulled his heavy body up from the plastic chair. He felt like he could hurl. He hated this place and he knew it's not like it was anyone's favourite place to be but he could barely cope with the anxiety it made him feel. He knew he had too though, he would for Haley. Only for her.

Nathan walked out pressing the button for accident and emergency where Haley was standing outside leaning back against the wall just staring into thin air. It hurt something deep inside of him, 'Hales…' He said softly as he came up to her. She barely registered him.

'How about we go back inside everyone is resting now they won't bother..'

'I don't want to.' She mumbled unemotionally as she stared off into the distance.

'It's cold out here Haley….please for m..'

'I said I don't want to.' She repeated, her determination showing signs of weakness as her voice cracked.

'Haley….' Nathan began sadly and she turned away from him them but he latched onto her.

'No, no…' She mumbled out in unintelligible cries.

'Hales….' Nathan began sadly still holding onto her and within seconds she gave in as she crumbled in his arms sobbing into his sweatshirt.

'I can't lose him…I can't.' She cried out against him, her breaths escaping raggedly between her heavy sobs.

'You're not going to.' Nathan said holding on to her so tight.

He wasn't sure how long they stood there clinging to each other but it was a long time, Haley was crying herself to the point of exhaustion, as more tears came the weaker she became to their attack. 'It's going to be ok.' Nathan whispered against her as his hands continued to run soothingly down her back and through her hair.

'You don't know that.' Haley said brokenly feeling Nathan pull back from her slightly. She could barely make him out through clouded vision, feeling his strong hands on her shoulders steadying her. She just wanted to fall, collapse into him and make it stop.

Nathan tried so hard to hide the anguish on his face but he was fighting a losing battle, seeing her like this was absolute torture for him. Despite steadying her he felt Haley falling into him again and he held onto her as guided them back inside, Haley no longer protesting in the slightest.

'Any changes?' Nathan said softly as he sat down across from Lydia his eyes carefully watching Haley as she slid into the plastic chair beside him.

Lydia shook her head signalling no. 'He's still in surgery.' She said weakly. Nathan took hold of Haley's hand then encasing it in his much larger one as he ran his thumb in soothing circles against her palm.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed, the time they had come here until now all seemed insignificant, the day in itself blurred into the night, it was as though they were held captive to the unknown, waiting for the outcome and everything else just didn't matter. It was a little over a while ago that Nathan felt Haley's head fall on his shoulder but he knew she couldn't sleep, her constant fidgeting against him told him that. Lydia looked shook as she sat across from them resting her head on her palm, she seemed to be drifting in and out of reality, every so often a nurse would come and she'd bolt awake in hope or dread….he wasn't really sure.

And Nathan just watched it all feeling his heart ache for the girl on his shoulder. He couldn't help but feel angry, how was it that Haley had to endure this after everything she'd endured by his side when he lost a parent? It was just unfathomable. And yet she was the strongest person he knew but he worried she wasn't strong enough for this. As such upsetting thoughts swarmed his mind Nathan held her hand that little bit tighter hoping in some way he could give her some of his strength, he leant down as he did so leaving a gentle kiss on her head feeling her on instinct huddle in closer to him.

'Excuse me…Mrs James.' A friendly looking male doctor with dark hair approached them as Lydia arose from her seat, 'I'm doctor Copeland, your husbands surgeon…' Nathan felt Haley pull away from him , the loss immediate and she jumped up beside her mum as the doctor led them through the door to the emergency ward.

Over half an hour later Lydia came through the emergency room doors but even seeing her and the look of relief on her face did little to settle his unease without Haley around.

'What's happening mum is he going to be ok?' A now awoken Taylor asked her as Lydia came towards them.

'He had a blocked artery; they've operated but he is unstable he has to be kept in the coronary care unit for a few days.'

'What does that mean…will he wake up?' Taylor panicked.

'We hope so honey.' Lydia said soothingly.

'I want to see him.' Taylor said as she walked towards the doors her mum came out from.

'Nathan..' Lydia called. 'Come with us, she's looking for you.' She smiled knowingly at him.

XXXXX

2 days had passed since Haley's dad went into hospital. 2 long, distressing days. Nathan was supposed to be back in work yesterday but had waited on although he knew he wouldn't be able to take any more days after tomorrow. He just couldn't.

It was looking like Haley and her family were going to be staying put in New Jersey for a little while. He felt rather aggrieved about having to leave her especially like this.

She'd cried a lot the last 24 hours but she'd come to him, she leaned on him that was until this morning when Nathan had actually agreed with Lydia that Haley needed to go home for tonight and just spend some time away from the hospital.

And that's what they were doing now, a painfully silent drive back to their log cabin. He knew she was muffled by the fact he had sided with Lydia on this one but that wasn't the real reason Haley was angry, he knew she was just beginning to feel the effects of that anger he felt when this all happened; the anger that was born out of the injustice of this entire situation.

Nathan slowly drove up the gravel driveway cutting the engine as he glanced over at Haley, she was staring straight ahead but she biting her lip and he knew she was anxious about being back here since….everything.

Sighing softly to himself Nathan hopped out going towards the front to open the door, he could feel Haley's footsteps lagging behind him. 'How about you take a nice hot shower and I'll put the fire on.' Nathan said softly then.

Haley didn't say anything as she stepped inside the house. Sighing Nathan realised he might not actually get anything out of her tonight but at least she was here and she would be warm and rested. Just before Haley reached their room she paused and turned around. 'You know what Nathan…..I expected you to understand, you didn't want to leave either you remember that?' She said sadly.

He felt his heart pound at her words. His automatic reaction when anyone brought that night up was to deflect, shut down with anger or better yet abscond from the situation. But he knew he had to bury that reaction now for Haley's sake. He couldn't be weak. 'Haley…' Nathan hesitated. 'That was different….mum she died there.'

'And you remember what that did to you? Not being there…' She choked out, her eyes pooling with tears again.

'Haley…' Nathan had to stop her; he couldn't hear this.

'You know what it feels like…you know Nathan.' Haley said as the tears escaped her eyes then.

'Haley he's not going to die.'

'You don't know that.' She cried out; her face full of anguish.

Nathan took a step towards her but she stood back creating more distance between them.

'No…' She shook her head brokenly. 'If he doesn't wake up and I'm not there….' She crumbled almost before pushing into the bedroom closing the door shut behind her.

Haley tossed and turned her bed profusely; she'd been in the room since they'd gotten back earlier having locked the door and not come out once. Nathan had called her for food some time ago, it could have been two hours she really didn't know, she hadn't looked at the clock nor did she even know what day it was at this stage. She'd being feeling so numb the past few days ever since her entire world as she knew it had come crashing down around her in the worst way imaginable and now that numbness just gave way to a crushing combination of anger and sorrow. She was also feeling absolutely horrible for how she had been with Nathan, he had been everything to her these past 48 hours and she'd just thrown it all back in his face in the worst way imaginable.

The warmth swirled in her belly at just the mere thought of him and she felt slightly vulnerable by how much she craved him to be close to her, as though this situation with her father had only exposed her need for him. But she was too exhausted and worn out to even question it or to even care at this stage. She just needed him.

He was the only person that could make this go away and she realised he possibly could only ever be that person.

Haley pulled herself off of the bed padding towards the door opening it quietly as she tip-toed down the hall. The living room was shrouded in darkness and she felt her heart sink in her chest as a silver of glow from the fire he'd put on barely burned. The guilt pinched her for not even coming out here when Nathan had put the fire on.

She turned then glancing down the hall as she walked quietly towards the closed door opposite their room. Opening it up she grimaced as it creaked slightly, a showing sign of their quant surroundings. She could make out his form lying on his side in the double bed as she tip-toed over to him not wanting to wake him but aching to be near him all the same. Haley slipped beneath the covers cuddling up to Nathans back feeling the pain subside to a dull ache as his warmth surrounded her.

Nathan shifted coming out of his sleep, feeling Haley cuddled up against him he turned rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

'I didn't want to wake you I just…' Haley whispered softly unsure how to voice how much she needed him.

'It's ok…I'm glad you did.' Nathan mumbled his voice thick with sleep as he propped his head up under his arm while draping the other across Haley.

She smiled hesitantly at his actions coupled with how adorable he looked in that moment as her hands played with the hem of his grep t-shirt before she ran them up the planes of his chest almost moaning at how his skin seemed to burn under her touch. She heard his sharp intake of breath and brought her eyes up to find his looking into hers unsure of himself for that reaction. The fact her touch could do that to him alone had a swirling knot of anticipation in her tummy just waiting to be completely unravelled. Biting her lip softly Haley continued to rake her nails across the planes of his muscular chest as she leaned in kissing his neck so delicately.

Her wet lips barely brushed against his skin and yet his whole body shuddered as his chest scorched everywhere she touched. Her actions had his body just begging for more, completely surrendering to her. And despite feeling he was losing himself completely to her he called her name unsure if this really was the right thing to be doing right now.

Haley heard him calling her name rather apprehensively but she couldn't stop and from the low guttural groans emitting from him coupled with his hard cock pressing so achingly against her thigh she knew he wanted this as much as she did. 'I need you Nathan.' She whispered softly in his ear as she sucked on it before biting down emitting the sexiest grunt from him.

'Haley…I' Nathan tried but he was losing the battle between his rational mind and the place that Haley always brought him too so far removed from reality and everything in their lives. The place where it was only them, where the past and who they had been maintained no hold on them and where it all just seemed to make sense. With her like this.

'It's ok…' Haley said as she pulled away from him then, it was sweet how much he was trying to rationalise this situation, she knew he was worried about her but couldn't he feel it too? How right this was? It was the only thing amidst the chaos that was making sense right now.

Nathan watched as Haley pulled back looking at him so earnestly, the light shining in her once vacant brown eyes and he gave in like he did that very first night, he gave in completely to her as his lips met hers in a fervent kiss; mouths opened for each other, tongues colliding, tasting, sucking and relishing in each other's warmth and solace.

Pulling back Haley felt her heart thud even harder in her chest at the intense look on his face, she didn't know what came over her as she took hold of his hand and placed it to her beating heart. 'Feel this..' Haley said, her voice thick with emotion. His eyes lightened in awe and she watched as he visibly swallowed hard at her actions and it only had her heart pounding even harder knowing he could feel it.

'Hales…' Nathan choked out.

She waited watching him, confusion seemed to mark his features then as though he had spoken before he had even figured out what to say.

'Just kiss me…' Haley pleaded softly not even caring how desperate or even how unconventional that sounded given who Nathan was to her. None of that mattered now.

Nathan didn't waste another second as he leaned into her, his lips claiming hers ever so softly as the kiss quickly built in intensity, he groaned as Haley kissed him back so hotly as her legs intertwined with his, Nathan ran his hands up her thighs and under his t-shirt she was so sexily wearing and he moaned again into her mouth as he felt absolutely nothing underneath the shirt. He could feel Haley smirking against his lips at his realisation and he pulled back.

She felt the throbbing between her legs ache even more at his heated look now.

'Turn around.' Nathan ordered huskily.

She looked at him rather confused then, both of them panting heavily from their making out.

'Trust me..' Nathan said softly then as he caught the look of befuddlement on Haley's face.

He didn't need to say anything more as he watched her turn over so her back was facing him, he knew she didn't want to turn away from him. He felt his cock grow even more painfully hard, not thinking that was possible just from the thought of taking her from behind in this way. He'd actually never had sex in this position before, it had just never being something he wanted to do until Haley. He shuffled closer to her then slowly lifting the t-shirt up exposing her creamy back to him. He felt Haley shiver as he began to place a series of intimate kisses right down her spine until he reached the small of her back leaving a gentle kiss over the little butterfly tattoo smiling at the memory that image represented. Haley smiled as she felt his lips linger on her tattoo, they'd got them together when they turned 16 and for some reason now that gesture felt more intimate than anything she'd ever experienced as it gave way to a flush of overwhelming feelings inside of her.

She barely had time to ponder that thought to heavily when she felt Nathan press himself up against her separating her legs with one of his own as he slowly began to push his hard member inside of her from behind.

'Oh god….Nathan…' Haley gasped aloud as she felt his cock penetrate her walls so slowly, how was it every time they joined together it seemed to fill her even more, god she could literally feel every part of him inside of her from this angle and he was hitting that sweet spot almost immediately as he thrusted into her causing her to gasp and cling onto the mattress at the side of the bed.

Nathan's moans merged with Haley's as he pushed himself inside her inviting, wet heat. 'Feels good doesn't it?' He whispered huskily in her ear as he pushed himself inside of her again keeping the slow, tortuous pace relishing as she pushed her body back onto his cock almost involuntarily every time.

'It feels so good.' Haley moaned hotly as she pushed back on his cock again. Nathan groaned in response to her words. 'God Haley you always feel good.' He let out between hot breaths that fanned out so deliciously across her slickened shoulder as he kept his steady, deep thrusts. His words coupled with his warm breath on her neck and his deep girthful thrusts had her reaching her climax all too quickly, her breathing had become incredibly staggered now, her gasps echoed throughout the room, her body rocking against his beyond her own control. 'Oh god….oh god…..Nathan…' She cried out as her whole body combusted from the tingling rapture that had building inside of her since they kissed.

Hearing her name fall from her lips like that so erotically had him thrusting inside of her once more before he surrendered himself completely to the feelings building within him, allowing them to completely consume him in the most pleasurable way possible, his breathing just as ragged as Haley's as he rested his sweaty forehead against her slick back. He couldn't understand it how every time they came together like this it was just feeling more amazing, it was just sex he tried to keep telling himself but somewhere along the way it felt like it was no longer about sex at all.

Nathan pulled out of her slowly entangling their legs and he smiled softly as Haley swiftly turned around and cuddled into his chest. He rested his chin on top of her small head his arms encircling her, holding her as he rubbed her back softly.

'Nate….' Haley whispered quietly from where she was resting against him.

Nathan frowned. All of a sudden that name just sounded so wrong coming from her like that, it just felt so far removed from where they were and who they were.

'I didn't mean what I said, I know you're just trying to help. ' Haley continued quietly. She felt him squeeze her then and smiled softly knowing he understood completely, of course he did. He always did. 'I really don't want you to go.' She said softly.

'Hales those words are going to kill me.' Nathan choked out. Haley never did that, she never asked for help, she also tried to carry everything on her shoulders. The fact that she had even said that to him was huge. 'Maybe if I….'

'No I know you have to go; I just wish you didn't.'

'Me too.' Nathan mumbled back to her as he left a kiss on her head.

XXXXX

'Just tilt it a little lower will you?' Nathan gritted out as he held onto one side of the shelving unit. 'Lower Lucas not higher for god sake.'

Lucas went ridiculously lower with the shelving then pissed off with his brother's attitude which only earned an even harsher glare from Nathan 'Just let it down Nathan.'

'I'm trying to put the fucking thing up not let it down.'

'Let it down Nathan.' Lucas ordered then.

He may be only older than him by 4 months but Nathan knew that big brother voice that left very little room for retaliation, he rolled his eyes as he turned away from him knowing if Lucas seen that he'd just give out to him even more.

'Ok what the hell is your problem?' Lucas badgered him as they left the unit back down on the floor in Haley's bedroom.

'Nothing I should have just called a handyman seen as you've clearly no idea about this kind of work.'

Lucas just rolled his eyes. 'You're deflecting my question!'

Nathan scoffed. 'No I'm not.'

'Yes you are just like you do with Haley, you do it all the time.'

At the mere mention of Haley's name Nathan seemed to flare up. 'It's none of your business what I do with Haley.'

Lucas raised his eyebrows in interest, he'd obviously just hit the nail on the head without realising. So this was about Haley.

'It is when you're acting like such a jackass what's going on…did you two fight or something?'

'No we didn't fight Lucas; her father just had a blooming heart attack.' Nathan spat at him.

'Well then what is it…. ' Lucas pried. 'You're acting all weirded out anytime I bring her up, you're extremely jumpy and on edge….you're like….' It dawned on him then as he paused. It couldn't possibly be….he was pretty sure that even if he said it Nathan would pummel him to the ground at such a ridiculous notion but the way he was behaving…

'It's nothing just drop it Lucas I've enough to deal with right now.' Nathan said breaking Lucas from his pondering.

'I' not going to drop it, you've been acting like an ass all week…is this because your both lying to her family?'

Nathan sighed; Lucas was almost as relentless as Haley but he usually would concede in his battle much faster so Nathan knew he just had to get out of here until Lucas did so. Lucas watched his brother clench his jaw properly pissed off now as he left him standing there in Haley's room. He waited a few minutes sighing at the mess all over the floor before he followed Nathan into the kitchen where he was sipping on a beer at the counter. Wordlessly he pushed one over to Lucas.

'Haley is staying in Tree Hill until Christmas now.' Nathan said relatively calmly trying to keep his emotions in check.

Lucas nodded. 'Ok well that's understanding.'

'I know that…it's just.' He faltered then as he met his brother's awaiting eyes. He placed the beer bottle back down on the countertop wondering if he could even say it, if he did there was no going back, it would be like this thing that was happening between them would be somehow brought out from their imaginary realm into the real world, as though it becoming public knowledge even if that was only Lucas could give it more power somehow. But the silence in this apartment since he'd being here was slowly tormenting him, he was overthinking every little thing about them and this situation.

'You miss her…' Lucas supplied easily catching the torn look on Nathan's face then.

'We've been sleeping together..' Nathan blurted out as he leant his hands on the kitchen countertop bracing himself for the reaction, it didn't matter thought because next thing he felt an almighty slap across his face echoing harshly in their empty apartment. 'Oww…god damn Luke.' Nathan faced him, his eyes infuriated.

'You're an ass.' Lucas said overtly shaking his head at him.

'I know…I know ok.' Nathan got out, his anger quickly fading to remorse.

'You miss sleeping with her….don't tell me what this is about?' Lucas spat then, he couldn't quite believe this. This was the last thing he had expected. Sure he had an inkling there was feelings involved from the way his brother was behaving but sex…..Haley had lost her virginity to Nathan?

'No Luke this isn't…'

'I can't believe you Nate.' Lucas was going off on one now. 'I mean after the way you came down on me for doing the exact same thing with Brooke and now you're…..with Haley….she lost it to you didn't she?'

Nathan could only nod.

'Dammit Nathan…' Lucas said then. 'And what now you're pissed off cause you're not getting any…'

'It's not about the sex..' Nathan bellowed out tired of Luke's holier than thou attitude right now.

'Then what's it …..' Lucas paused then as it all stated to make sense. 'Holy shit.' He recovered after a few silent seconds.

Nathan looked at him like he'd just gained another head, and supposedly he was the one acting strange?

'You have…..oh my god.' Lucas said then as he eyed his brother carefully for his reaction. 'You have feelings for Haley….you like her.'

'Luke…' Nathan warned him. That statement was all kinds of dangerous, he didn't want to flesh that out or allow it into reality at all.

'Oh my god it all makes sense now.' Lucas said completely careless to Nathan's warning.

'What are you talking about?' Nathan couldn't help but ask.

'You…' Lucas said throwing his hands up at him. 'You're edgy, uptight, your place is a tip which is so unlike you and you're…..you're a mess Nathan.'

'Well thanks for such an enlightening chat Lucas.' Nathan spat then with an eye roll, how was his brother looking like the cat that just got the cream? Hadn't he being pissed off by all this a hot second ago. 'I'm not a mess.' The words sounded hollow even to his own ears, his whole life felt like it was in chaos these past few weeks and every week that passed he felt like he was slipping deeper.

'Are you in love with her?' Lucas said then.

He felt his body tremble a little at his words but he tried not to show it. 'Luke, Haley is my best friend.' Nathan warned him again.

'I know.' Lucas said unrelenting. 'And I asked are you in love with her?'

'Do you even hear what you're saying right now?' Nathan shot back rather defensively.

Lucas sighed, his brother was completely deflecting again but he caught that look in his eyes; amidst his anger was a flicker of fear there and that told him that there was at least a possibility he could well be in love with her and was very scared by that fact. Noticing how tense Nathan had become Lucas gave in, knowing it wouldn't be fair too push him on this when Nathan obviously hadn't figured it out himself. 'How did it start?' He said quietly then hoping his brother would open up to him at least a little.

Nathan let out a breath of relief realising Lucas wasn't prodding him an further on that ridiculous topic of conversation. 'When we were in Italy…' He said back hesitantly.

'Fuck its being going on that long…' Lucas let out.

Nathan nodded silently.

'But like has it just kept happening , have ye talked about it? I mean Nate she's got to be feeling confused…'

'We agreed to do it Luke, like a friends with benefits kind of thing..'

'Like me and Brooke?' He said with a raised eyebrow.

'The whole reason I was on your ass doing it with Brooke was because you loved her and you two should have been dating in college.'

'And now you're…'

'I'm not in love with Haley…' Nathan said almost too easily. He stared harshly at Lucas just daring him to retaliate with him on that.

When he didn't Nathan continued. 'People do this all the time Luke..'

Lucas scoffed at his words. 'But look at you…whether you admit it or not this is obviously affecting you Nathan and it has to be affecting Haley too.'

'I'm just I…' Nathan struggled with his words then, he struggled to voice his confusion as though it would give power to Lucas thoughts about them. 'We just need to end it now.'

'Are you sure that's the right thing to do?' Lucas pondered hesitantly.

'This is all my fault, I initiated this and I'll be damned if it messes us up, I'm going to fix it.' Nathan said resolutely before he pushed himself off the counter and out of the kitchen. Lucas feared for the two of them, he feared it was already too late to fix whatever had become so broken.

XXXXX

Haley continued to fluff up the blankets ignoring her father's usual disgruntlements. He was home in Tree Hill now, they'd all being here almost a week now. After 5 days in the coronary care unit in New Jersey her father was admitted to the general ward and then brought to Tree Hill hospital closer to home for a final week. The last 2 and a half weeks had been so emotionally draining but she'd been given hope. Her father had been given another chance and she knew that was the real reason she hadn't fled somewhere far away from this place like her instincts had told her too.

'Shouldn't you be at home with Nathan fussing over him like this?' Her dad grumbled albeit teasingly.

Her heart fluttered at the mere mention of his name as it always did recently. God she missed him more than was normal, it physically ached not having him around. 'Nathan wants me here daddy looking after you.' She scolded him lightly.

'I'm sure he'd also like you at home with him.'

'I am home daddy.' Haley replied easily.

'Hello Mr. James…' Peyton said with a smile as she bounced into their living room.

'Do me a favour and take my little girl out for the day I need a break from her fussing.'

Peyton just giggled; Jimmy said the same thing every day.

'Dad you just had a heart attack if I want to fuss over you you're going to let me fuss.' Haley reasoned and her dad looked at Peyton like the girl was crazy.

'My heart attack was 3 weeks ago honey.'

'And your recovery is going to take 3 times as long.' Haley fussed.

'You know what how about we go out for lunch?' Peyton said.

'That sounds wonderful, Karen does the best sausage sandwiches.'

'You're not meant to have any greasy foods, that's like the worst thing you can e….' Haley paused as her dad and Peyton snickered. 'Great how can you find this funny?'

'Oh honey if I don't laugh I'll cry.' Her dad goaded. 'Go and have a break will you before you give me another heart attack.'

Haley rolled her eyes before standing back up as Peyton linked her arms with hers. 'I promise to have her back by midnight My. James.' She teased.

'So a boozy lunch is what you were thinking?' Haley said with raised eyebrows as they slid onto the stools at one of the high tables around Tric.

Peyton smirked knowingly. 'Come on, you need a drink after these last few weeks and I most definitely need a drink.'

Haley caught the disappointment in her eyes despite her rather tough exterior. Two people in her lives were nursing broken hearts for completely different reasons, each very painful to watch. 'So it's really over?' She said softly.

Peyton nodded. 'For good Haley, I guess I got caught up in the romance of it all, new girl, new city emerging executive producer bats you an eye…' She shrugged.

'It was so much more than that.' Haley reasoned.

'I know.' Peyton said quietly. 'I think the hardest part is how right it feels to let him go.'

Haley reached for her hand then giving it a gentle squeeze. 'You're going to be ok, in fact you're going to be better.'

Peyton smiled at her. 'Ever think it's like meant to be that both of us are back here at the same time?'

'Absolutely.' Haley smiled.

'And it's just a bonus for me no Nathan around I get you all to myself.' Peyton joked before her teasing smirk dissipated and a silence fell between them. 'So did you tell him yet?'

'Peyton…' Haley warned slightly, she'd only being back 3 days and she'd immediately probed Haley about her benefitting situation with her best friend.

'Haley I'm not trying to say I told you so…I actually think it's kind of great if you did have feelings…'

'I don't….' Haley said cutting her off. 'Not in that way.' God it was pathetic that she couldn't even said the word 'feeling's or 'like' without her whole body anticipating something, of which she wasn't sure.

'but things have changed…' Peyton urged softly.

'I guess..' Haley relented knowing she couldn't lie about that. 'The sex has…' She shrugged.

Peyton nodded knowingly.

'I mean that's normal right that it would feel more intense…' She searched for the right word to explain their last few times together…'or intimate you know when you're going through some difficult stuff…'

'Yea Hales but when the whole point of this thing was no feelings involved…' Peyton reasoned softly.

'I know.' Haley said painfully. 'How stupid am I?'

'You're not stupid.' Peyton scolded her. 'What about Nathan?'

'Nathan promised me nothing would change and we could just knock this off the moment we wanted to and to be honest I think he still could…'

'But you couldn't…..' Peyton supplied knowingly just as the bartender left two rather menacing looking cocktails down at their table.

She felt the cocktail being pushed in front of her and she tried too hard to pull herself from the depths of her mind into the place around her, the place she grew up in, where her teenage years were spent with a charming boy, a head of wild raven hair, a boy who was childlike, impulsive and yet so doting.

She had watched him become a man, strikingly handsome, that same raggedly hair that looked unforgivingly sexy as he got older, he had matured so steadily, he could still be impulsive yet completely head-strong and god did she love him.

She was so desperately in love with him.

Had she not being gripping onto the table it would have floored her. Haley gulped her throat incredibly raw, Peyton's informal conversation with Chase filtered out in the distance around her and she was so attuned to her heart beating heavy in her chest. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She was supposed to realise she was in love on a fresh day in March, kissing under the spring sunlight with her lover or maybe lying in bed watching him sleep. But not like this. Not sitting on a high stool in Tric drinking cocktails before 3pm realising at the tender age of 24 life just never was how she envisaged it to be, all them dreams; Stanford, falling in love on a spring day hell even teaching none of it was how her 19-year-old self-imagined, when she had the whole world had her tips.

Now she felt like she was sinking, she was in love with her best friend and she wondered if he could ever feel the same or was she the one holding the flame that would torch their friendship for good.