CHAPTER THIRTEEN

(BPOV)

The clock on the wall above the nurses station showed just after midnight and I yawned sleepily as I placed the stack of triage charts in my hand on the desk.

"You're still here?" Natalie exclaimed, her thick framed glasses partially covering her green eyes, as she shook her head to me in disapproval. "You look exhausted. You have to get some rest. Are you scheduled for tomorrow?"

"I think so but I'll be okay."

"No way. You get off your feet and catch some shut eye or I'm calling Dr. Niles. The snow just started to fall out there, if you head home now, you might avoid some of the slick travel. Have you heard anything more on Callie? Still stable?"

I sighed and looked toward the exit, seeing the large snowflakes that were falling and debating on whether or not I should just crash here at the hospital till the morning. By the time I got back home, it would be almost one and that would only leave me a short four hour window to sleep before I'd have to turn around and come back here for my 5 a.m. shift.

Natalie continued to eye me suspiciously while she waited for my response, but I was so tired that the very idea of driving home this late made me more than a little leery.

"Yes, her vitals are good and she's resting. Tina is in her room with her. Dr. Niles is set to check on her in a few hours."

"That's great news. We've all been thinking of her."

"She's tougher than nails that one." I replied, seeing Natalie nod to me in agreement.

"Sure is."

"I think I'll take a nap in the on call room." I stated.

"You know that old couch is hard as a rock. You'll never get a good rest there."

"Well, that's where I'm headed once I finish checking on my last patient. So, I guess that old hard as a rock couch will just have to do for the night." I replied, seeing her wave her finger at me in strong protest.

"You mean the patient up in recovery? Mr. Black is it?"

I met her curious gaze, catching the raise of her eyebrows as she let out a soft chuckle.

"I wish he was my patient."

"Natalie-…"

"What?" She playfully countered, with a slight shrug of her petite shoulders. "I'm only stating the obvious. Jon and Roman are convinced he's cut out for their line of work. You should hear them talking around here. They've deemed him a hero for what he did with that punk, and given the horrible situation and the loss of his wife, they think he handled himself pretty damn well. I predict they'll try to recruit him into the training program before he's discharged tomorrow."

"His papers have already come through? Did Dr. Niles clear him for release that soon?" I replied, marveling at how fast his turn around had been and knowing that none of it would've been possible without the supernatural healing the wolf in him still carried.

"Yeah, just got them on the desk a few minutes ago. Pretty miraculous I'd say. Is his daughter still up in the NICU?"

"No, they just transferred her to the Pediatrics floor an hour ago. He's still there with her. I think they were trying to get him a cot for the private room so he could sleep in there with her tonight. You know the supply and demand of those around here." I softly explained.

"More comfortable than the couch you'll soon be laying on." Natalie replied, her not so subtle hint causing me to shake my head and turn away from her.

"You're impossible." I sarcastically drawled, peering around at the stillness of the ER and knowing that it wouldn't last very long.

"...and you're keeping a secret."

I paused at her accusatory statement and looked over my shoulder, as she jogged around the desk and approached me, her eyes lit with an eagerness that made me huff out a tired breath in frustration.

"There's no secret-..."

"Okay, so you're going to deny knowing him? Come on Bella, everyone around here can see it." She laughed, pulling on a tendril of her thick red hair and whirling it around her index finger, while she continued to stare back at me in challenge.

"I-I didn't say that. I-we... it was-..."

"Spill it!" She hedged, taking hold of my shoulders with a gentle shake.

"There's nothing to spill and you need to spend more time knitting and reading and less time watching those daytime soaps of yours when you're not working. Might not be such a bad idea."

"Oh, please. Don't try to change the subject here. You'd have to be blind to not see the chemistry between you two. Man, it's enough to make me want to call Eric and have one last go at it- all that tension and-"

"Nat, stop. He just lost his wife. Who he loved very much and you would do well to remember just why it is that you broke things off with Eric last month. Don't go igniting an old flame just so you don't have to be alone. You deserve a lot more than that. Eric hurt you. He cheated and that's not love. Leave it where it is and find something better cause it's out there for you. Don't settle."

She offered me half a smile then and gave me an unexpected hug.

"Thank you. You don't even know how much I needed to hear that and I'm sorry if I took the joking a little too far for you about Mr. Black."

"It's okay, I know you didn't mean any harm." I sincerely replied as I released her from our embrace.

"All kidding aside though, what's the real story with the two of you? A love that went wrong in high school or-?"

"No, nothing like that. We didn't go to the same school."

"Are you really going to make me beg and pry it out of you?" Natalie pleadingly stated, her gaze narrowing at me while she impatiently tapped her foot. "There's way more than just a friendly acquaintance in the aura around you two."

"The aura!" I laughed, my giggle coming out louder than I thought as I placed a hand over my mouth. "Oh, Natalie. You kill me sometimes. I have to go now. I have patients waiting."

"Correction, you have a patient waiting for you." Natalie laughed in return, her hand tugging at mine before I could escape.

I merely sighed and offered her a parting wave before making my way up to the pediatrics floor.

Billy and Charlie had finally taken my advice and gotten a hotel for the night by harbor. They needed sleep more than I did right about now and I was relieved when I got Charlie's text saying the room was nice and that they were turning in. He assured me he'd call before coming back to Pen Bay in the morning again with Billy and I told him I'd be waiting for his call then. All of this had taken a hefty toll on Billy, his color was only getting worse this afternoon and I had to practically beg them both to go and get some rest, but eventually and with some further convincing from Jacob, they went.

I think Billy was terrified of leaving and then having something happen to either Jacob or Clarissa, but I had promised him that he would be my first call if something did arise, and my word to him seemed to be enough to calm some of his overwhelming anxiety for now.

I soon paused by room three thirty- one and stilled there when I heard Mr. and Mrs. Dawson saying their goodbyes to Jacob and Clarissa.

"We'll be back first thing in the morning. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to call us, Jacob." Martha kindly insisted, her tiredness from the past three days now evident in her voice as she spoke.

"Yes, son, anything at all. You know we're only a half hour away." Shawn added.

"Thank you both. I'll be in touch in the morning. My hope is that she'll sleep through the rest of the night." Jacob quietly replied, as I smiled and slowly turned to leave, but the sound of the door opening made me halt my steps.

"Nurse Swan, I'm so glad you're still here." Shawn sighed, motioning for me to wait there as he took Martha by the arm and helped her out in the hall. "We've been looking for you. You can be hard to find."

"It's been a busy evening. I'm sorry." I replied.

"It's alright, dear. We simply wanted to tell you in person just how very grateful we are for all you've done."

"Oh, Mr. Dawson, truly, it was nothing. I'm so glad that Clarissa is out of the NICU."

"It certainly is something, dear. I assure you it is." He replied, drawing in closer to me and reaching out his hand to lightly press it against my cheek, the endearment making it hard for me to keep my composure. "You're the rare kind of light in this dark world we need to see more often. I know the average shift isn't normally this long and tedious for you and I know you stayed to see us all through. From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you and if there's ever anything you need, you know we're not far."

I smiled up at him, his watery gaze holding mine with his heartfelt gratitude as he drew me in for a brief hug with Martha still at his side.

"You're so special. Don't ever change." Martha lovingly added, as she soon placed a kiss to my cheek and let Shawn lead the way to the elevator at the end of the hall. I watched them share a tight hug, the two of them heartbroken over their loss but still clinging to each other for comfort. I couldn't bring myself to look away from them until Jacobs strained voice carried out to me.

"Bells...-"

It was the name he'd always called me, but he spoke it so differently this time and with so much pain that it made my own heart threaten to shatter. My eyes met his and I saw it all there. Like the façade he'd done so damn well to keep going for everyone else was being forcefully stripped away from him now that they were all gone and it was just him and Clarissa remaining.

He stood there with Clarissa fast asleep in his arms, her head laying on his chest and her sweet face at complete peace as he held her to him.

I saw the grief he'd been keeping at bay all these hours steadily begin to consume him there in the doorway of the Peds room and I shuddered as I thought back to when I'd needed him to be that anchor in my own storm and how he'd never let me down. Not once.

"...can you-... can you take her...please? I need some air."

I timidly reached out for Clarissa then and he carefully placed her in my arms, the two of us trying not to jostle her. I let out a breath of relief when she didn't move as I gently laid her down on the bed there in the room, and tucked her pink blanket in around her.

When I lifted my head, Jacob's tear filled eyes looked away from me as he stepped out into the hall and began to pace there. I quickly raised the bedside rails, locking them into place for Clarissa's safety, and followed after him.

"Jake...-"

"I'll be okay." He sighed, rubbing his eyes and pulling out his phone from his back pocket. "There's just so much left to do, you know? I have to call the Funeral home back in Washington and book a time for her viewing. They'll need an estimate of who will be coming and they'll need numbers for the funeral so that everyone will have a seat. Then there's her personal items and possessions. What you're supposed to choose to lay with her in the casket and the right dress to bury her in."

"Jake...-" I whispered, but he didn't look up at me.

I swallowed hard when he stopped his pacing and leaned his back against the far wall, his face paling and his hands beginning to shake as he hoarsely continued.

"...and I don't even think she owns a black dress or any dress for that matter. I never saw her wear one. the only dress I ever got to see her in was her wedding dress. It's supposed to be a black dress, right? Lilly hated black."

I tried to speak, but it took me several more tries before I finally got the words to come out.

"What color did she like?" I softly asked, feeling the wetness from my silent tears touch my cheek as he looked up and saw the emotions I couldn't hide from him.

"Blue. Lillian loved the color blue. Any shade of it." He breathed in reply, his voice almost inaudible now. "She was artistic and adventurous. Our house is filled with her abstract paintings. She saw the beauty in everything. It was one of the reasons I fell in love with her."

"Blue is a beautiful color." I replied, my voice quavering as I tried to listen to him go on.

"Just like she was."

I heard his voice crack on the last word and saw his face fill with the kind of agony that would try to drown him before this was all over and it killed me. I didn't move or speak as he pressed his back harder against the wall, sliding down there until he touched the ground. His tears became more than he could simply blink away and they soon ran unchecked down his face. The muscles in his chin trembled as he looked up at me, silently searching for an answer there in my gaze that I didn't have. That I would never have.

Why...

Why did this have to happen...

Why is she gone and I'm still here...

I went to him, ignoring the few onlookers who turned their attention in our direction when I hunkered down on the floor and inched myself into his side. I sat there in silence as he stared straight ahead, his jaw tight with the emotion he still tried to fight, tried to control.

"It should've been me." He eventually whispered.

"Jacob, don't say that." I brokenly replied, as he turned his head my way, his eyes roaming over my face while he tried to make sense of what he couldn't. Of why the world could be so cold and unfair.

"I shouldn't have had us on the road that late. We were both so damn tired."

"You didn't do anything wrong. You hear me? This wasn't your fault. You know who's to blame and he's in jail right now."

He shook his head and slowly got to his feet, his hand reaching down and catching mine as I laced my fingers through his before I could think better of it. I quickly tried to pull my hand away, but stopped when he gripped it tighter and peered down at me.

"Thank you for being here and doing all you've done, Bells. Billy told me how you stayed with Clarissa before I came to. I could never repay you for that-"

"You don't ever have to."

"I don't want to do this-... I don't know how to do this." He tearfully admitted, his chest heaving as he looked toward Clarissa's room.

I released his hand and reached for him, my arms wrapping around his neck and hugging him tight for the first time since I'd left Washington years ago.

He let out a ragged breath and clutched me tight to him and I held him in silence as his pain consumed him there in waves. Minutes of sobbing that made me physically hurt for him and reminded me that even after all this time apart, one thing still remained true and that was that his happiness meant far more to me than my own ever could.

A/N: Thanks so much for reading and please leave a review to tell me your thoughts! New chapter tomorrow! Till Then! :-)