Chapter Thirteen
Jacob felt torn the week after parting with Leah in their clearing. He focused on patrol so that he didn't have to deal with his thoughts and pointedly stayed away from the Cullen's to try to rationalize everything. He needed a clear head, but not seeing Leah and Renesmee hadn't given him much clarity on how to navigate this.
Unfortunately, when he got home from patrol, he was faced with the she-wolf herself, with Rachel, in their living room.
"Hey," he said easily, going in and sitting back in the armchair, looking at the TV where the girl's attention was fixed.
"Hey Jake," Rachel greeted happily as Paul followed Jacob in. They had both just finished patrol and Paul curled up on the loveseat with Rachel, wrapping an arm around her. Jacob watched his sister lean into him happily, kissing his cheek and then looked toward Leah – who had her gaze fixed on him, too.
She was on the couch, alone, and Jacob felt torn. He wanted to go to her side more than anything but risked more questions from Paul if he saw them cuddled up together. They both agreed to keep whatever this was between them quiet for now, to avoid any more pack drama and questions until they had an answer for what they were, exactly, but he wasn't sure when he would get that – when Renesmee would fully mature.
He had been sure, back in their clearing, that continuing things until then wasn't harmful, but afterwards, when he had some time alone to think and compare himself to Sam, he hated himself for being so selfish knowing the hurt he could cause her if the imprint didn't follow the unromantic course upon maturing. It was why aside from a few text messages and phone calls; he hadn't visited her – to try and protect her. She had been busy trying to phase out of the pack, too, so the lack of time they spent together wasn't completely unfounded. She hadn't phased since, either, so he was able to avoid her in wolf-form.
Leah, on the other hand, just felt like she wanted to be near him even more since the clearing. Maybe things were messy, but well, it was their mess and being close to him made her feel happy and right now, she wanted to hold onto that feeling for as long as she could. She felt the awkwardness, though, watching Paul curl up to Rachel and when her eyes met Jacob's, she held his gaze for a moment before averting her eyes, not wanting him to feel obligated to play a boyfriend-role when he asked her for some time to figure things out.
Jacob felt the need to go to her side, though – and to let her protect herself, as he knew she could. It wasn't fair of him to make decisions for her. If she was okay with this, knowing the risk, then he should step up. Leah looked back to the TV, and suddenly, Jacob surprised himself as he got up, and went over to the she-wolf, Rachel and Paul's eyes on him. He sat by Leah, following suit with Paul, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. Leah looked a little confused, but snuggled into him, her head resting against his chest and thankfully, Paul kept his remarks to himself, and turned back to the TV, just as Rachel gave Leah a knowing smile before diverting her gaze, too.
They were watching Dirty Dancing and although it wouldn't be Jacob's first choice, he had trouble focusing on the TV with Leah in his arms, anyways. He let his fingers stroke her arm idly, and she moved closer to him, stifling a yawn. She was exhausted and Jacob was so warm and comfortable that her eyes almost fluttered closed.
"You're obsessed with these dancing movies now," Leah casually mentioned to Rachel, trying to stay awake.
She shrugged, "Have you thought about coming back to dance class?"
Jacob figured she hadn't been going considering her blow up with Jeremy but never got a chance to ask. Leah sighed, "I think I'll peacefully withdraw myself."
"Jeremy's asked about you."
"Oh yeah?"
"He's sorry for… well, how everything happened. He wanted me to tell you that you should come back to class at least."
"Maybe he should tell me that himself," Leah muttered.
"Should I tell him you have a new boyfriend?" Rachel grinned, gesturing to Jacob.
Leah hesitated, and Jacob answered. "We're just… trying things out."
"Well, I'm happy for you guys," Rachel said softly as the movie continued in the background. "I mean, I still think it's stupid, but if you're both happy then…"
Leah laughed, and then looked up to Jacob, who grinned. "I am happy."
"Me, too." He leaned down to kiss her, evoking a gagging noise from Paul – and a slapping noise from Rachel as she hit his arm.
They all returned their attention to the movie, and Leah yawned. Jacob shifted so that she could lie out on the couch, and he grabbed the blanket behind him. She laid down on the outside of the couch and he struggled to fit on the inside, wrapping an arm around her so that he was spooning her and he draped the blanket over them – not lost on the fact that her ass was against his crotch. Romantic gesture or pragmatic positioning? Hard to say, but he won both because Leah seemed pleased and idly wiggled her lower half against his to 'get comfortable.'
"Careful, Clearwater," he whispered tauntingly, his lips at her earlobe.
Leah grinned and was on good behaviour until Jacob's hand, under the blanket, moved to play with the waistband of her pants. It was dangerous – Paul and Rachel were only a few feet away, but well, they were lip locked and not paying any attention to them. Although she still hadn't felt the insatiable desire to be with him since, after the clearing, she still wanted to be naked with him as much as possible - a much more normal, manageable desire. Leah bit her lower lip, trying to pay attention to the movie, but every move Jacob made distracted her – even his cologne mixed with sweat. His hand quickly slipped under the band of her pants and down lower until he heard the front door shut and Billy's voice in the entryway of the living room.
"Hey kids," he said, shrugging off his coat.
Allison was with him and gave them a warm smile. Rachel and Paul stopped kissing immediately and almost sprang apart – engaged or not, Billy was daunting, and Jacob instantly removed his hand from where it shouldn't be, draping his arm once more over the blanket.
"Hey dad," Jacob said easily, getting a curious look from his father at his rather intimate position with Leah, but Billy brushed it off.
"I see that my living room is taken up," he mused.
The movie credits were rolling, now, though, and Rachel smiled. "We can leave the room to you guys," she said, getting up and taking Paul's hand – into her room.
"Door open," Billy called as they went down the hall.
Jacob pulled the blanket off him and Leah and they both got up, too. His dad, thankfully, didn't ask any questions, and they slipped down the hall into his room as Billy call the same warning to them.
Leah blushed as Jacob waited to hear Billy wheel into the living room, and then he shut the door quietly. He turned to Leah, and chuckled, his hand nervously rubbing his neck. "Too much?"
"It was just enough," Leah said, stepping forward to wrap her arms around his neck. "I mean… except for the part where your hand stopped."
Oh, he was in for it with her. If he hadn't realized just how dangerous dating Leah would be before, he did now because with exclusivity between them – for now, at least, and the feelings they both had, accompanied with the sexual tension, they were going to need to follow Rosalie and Emmett's suit and get their own place to break their newfound 'dating' status in the right way. Having her as his, somewhat officially – for now anyways, made him want her even more if that was possible. "God, Leah, everyone's home…"
"You think Rachel and Paul don't…"
"I don't even want to think of that," he groaned. "And you're not very good at being quiet if I do remember correctly?"
"And you're not good at keeping your hands to yourself if I remember correctly," she taunted.
"You're going to be the end of me, woman," he smirked, leaning down to kiss her feverishly – before he led her to the bed.
The next morning, Jacob awoke to Leah practically on top of him thanks to his single bed, but fully clothed and sound asleep. He smirked at how innocent she looked because he knew their activities the night before was anything but. Luckily, his dad had been with Allison and appreciated Jacob's privacy because his door didn't have a lock, but they weren't interrupted. If they had of been, Leah on her knees would have definitely gotten him a fierce talking to. Of course, he had been a gentleman and returned her kindness, but that was yet another thing he preferred his dad was ignorant to.
Unfortunately, his happiness this morning was short-lived. Emily and Sam were telling everyone about the baby today – finally. He promised he would be there, but he was regretting his promise more as the clock ticked closer to him having to get out of bed and away from Leah. Paul and Rachel may know about their new dating status – if you could call it that, but no one else did and he wasn't looking forward to Sam's opinion on it.
He had told Sam and Emily the day after they had woken up in the clearing that Leah knew about the pregnancy and she had asked him to please tell them that she was happy for them but needed some space. He had seen the hurt in Emily's eyes when he told her, but he assured her that Leah was, in fact, fine, and would reconcile when she felt the time was right. Unfortunately, he couldn't justify when that would be for Emily – but he promised she was trying. They had obliged her ask for space thus far, but today would be the first day she had to see them since finding out. Despite her strong demeanour and their new relationship, he could assume today was still going to be awkward for her.
He let Leah sleep, not waking her as he jumped in the shower and got dressed. He ran into his dad and Paul in the kitchen. "Morning, Jake."
"Morning," he said, grabbing some toast.
"So… would you like to explain why Leah's asleep in your bed?" Billy asked.
"Dad, not right now-"
"I'm just asking," he said firmly.
"Just asking so you can tell me what a stupid idea it is because of the imprint?" He asked, busying himself with making toast to avoid his dad's gaze.
"No, just 'wanna be kept in the loop, is all," Billy said, causing Jacob to turn to face him after he pushed the toast down in the toaster. "It is my house."
"We're… together, for now."
Billy nodded, knowing what he meant. "And you're both okay with that?"
"Yup," Jacob returned easily.
Paul shrugged, "I think it's long overdue."
The words surprised Jacob, and he nodded. He could imagine Paul had a few teasing remarks playing on his lips, too, but with Billy present, he wouldn't utter them.
Billy nodded, "If you've chosen Leah, and can continue doing so, then I support you."
"Really?"
"I imagine you're going to see each other regardless of my opinion on it," Billy mentioned. "And, even the night you left here to follow her after dinner went awry, I could see how much you cared for her. I can imagine those feelings have grown exponentially since then. If you're both happy, then I won't interfere. Imprint or not. I'll let fate take its course and let you both make your own mistakes."
Jacob was shocked, but as his toast popped, he thanked his dad before spreading some peanut butter on it and shoving it in his mouth, turning to Paul. "You going over to Sam and Emily's now?"
"In a few," Paul said, chugging back some orange juice.
"I'll wake Leah and we can all go together. Where's Rachel?"
"Already there. Emily called and asked her to go over early."
"Alright, wait for us."
Jacob went back into his room, a little surprised that Leah was still asleep, and sat beside her on the small bed. "Rise and shine," he teased, jostling her shoulder gently.
She groaned and rubbed her eyes before she woke up, tangled in his sheets, surrounded by the smell of his cologne and smirked, "Is it morning already?"
Jacob laughed and got up, "Yup and I hope you like the clothes that you wore yesterday because we have to go to Emily and Sam's now and you overslept."
"Ugh," she sighed, getting up, though still feeling tired. What was up with this exhaustion lately? "Can I at least borrow something of Rachel's?"
"I'll see what I can find."
Jacob left and went into his sister's room, opening one of her drawers to find something fresh. He rummaged through a couple before he found a pair of jeans and then opened the last drawer to grab a shirt for her.
When he peered in, however, he almost dropped the clothes in his hands.
A small, pink, first-response pregnancy test box laid there. Jacob, without thinking, reached out and picked it up, dropping it as soon as he heard Paul behind him.
"Man, what the-" He stopped when he saw the pink box, and he took a deep breath before he turned and shut the door behind him so they were alone in the room. "It's negative," he said firmly, going over and taking the box from Jacob and pulling out the stick. It clearly said 'No –' on the digital screen, and Paul put it back in the box, throwing it back in the drawer before sitting on the bed. He looked up at Jacob, who was still stood in shock and sighed. "She was late last month, so she took it to make sure she wasn't… She's not, so it's not a big deal. Don't tell Billy. I'll get rid of it later – I thought she already had."
Jacob didn't know what to say, but he cleared his throat. "I was just looking for something for Leah to wear, I'm sorry, I-"
"It's fine," Paul said, jaw clenched shut.
Jacob felt so out of his depth right now, and he hesitated. It was his sister they were talking about, after all, but Paul was also his friend and he could imagine the shock and fear that the small stick evoked before finding out she wasn't pregnant for them both. "Are you guys okay?"
"We're fine," he returned. "I mean, I got the fright of my life when she told me, but it's all good."
"I'm surprised you kept it quiet," he referred to patrol.
Paul shrugged, "You're not the only one used to filtering your thoughts anymore, Jake."
"I should go… I won't say anything, I promise. But there's… uh, condoms in my room in my nightstand if you, uh-"
"I got it covered," Paul cut him off before quirking a brow. "Wait… you're not using them? I thought you and Leah…"
Jacob shrugged, "She can't get pregnant, so what's the use?"
Paul nodded understandingly. "Right, I forgot. Anyways…"
"I'll meet you out front."
Jacob left and went back into his bedroom. "Here, these should fit."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, why?"
"You look like you've seen a ghost," she said, changing quickly.
"I'm fine," he took her hand once she was dressed. "Paul's waiting let's go."
They met Paul out front and started towards Sam and Emily's in quiet. Leah felt like something was up but decided to stay out of it for now.
When they got there, Rachel, Kim, Emily, Seth, Quil, and Embry were all close by, and over near the front balcony, Sam was flipping burgers on the grill with Jared, the younger wolves throwing the football around in the yard. She may have just gotten up, but it was getting close to lunchtime.
"Hey, Jake!" Quil called as he approached.
"Hey man, everyone here now?"
"I think so," Seth said easily.
"I finished covering my patrols," Leah said quietly to Jacob as Paul ran over to Jared and Sam and Quil started teasing Seth about Abigail. "I guess that means you should pick a new Beta."
He nodded, "Who do you recommend?"
Leah shrugged, "It isn't up to me."
"I did say I wasn't picking a third-in-command, and that in my absence, you would pick a new Beta, so I think this constitutes you picking your replacement."
"Choose Seth."
"I think that's a little bias, don't you?" He asked teasingly, mainly wanting her to explain further.
"Seth is a good judge of character. He can determine right from wrong and believes the best in everyone. He would listen to you, but also speak his mind against what he thinks is right. I mean, he definitely won't be as vocal or argumentative as me," she smirked. "Because until he realized we were sleeping together, he idolized you-"
"I'm not sure he idolizes me anymore," Jacob smirked. "I mean, banging his sister didn't get me many brownie points." She rolled her eyes. "Okay, I'll rename Seth. Or you can. I can call a pack meeting. I should let them know what's going on anyway and give anyone else who wants the out the option now that everything is pretty well back to normal."
"Alright, let me know when and I'll make sure the house is ready. It's a little bit of a mess now."
As Leah heard Sam call for everyone to gather around, she sighed, and Jacob tightened his grip on her hand. "You okay?"
"Fine," she said uneasily. "I'm going to see if I can talk to both of them after this."
"About?" This couldn't be good.
"It's time to put the bad blood aside – for good. I texted her congratulations, so she wouldn't think I was upset, but I haven't talked to her face to face." Despite Emily's numerous texting attempts and check-ins the past week, especially when they informed everyone of the gathering today to tell them all.
Jacob nodded, apprehensive about it, but proud of her for doing the exact opposite of what Emily expected her to do. "Well, if you need me, I'll be here."
Their eyes met and he wanted to kiss her immediately, but everyone was there and very aware of their 'arrangement' having ended. They kind of had a new arrangement, now, though. Fuck it! Jacob leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips – a kiss she easily returned, and that sparked everyone's attention. But, thankfully, today was about Sam and Emily, so despite their confusion over the two lip-locked wolves, they turned back to Sam and Emily. He would be in for it later, but for now, they felt like every other normal couple – despite his imprint looming over them.
Leah didn't care about the guy's thoughts anymore. She deserved to be happy, even if it was only for a little while and the way Jacob's hand felt in hers made her feel stronger – something she needed going into the conversation with Sam and Emily.
Everyone finally came together, and Emily and Sam came forward in the middle of the yard, Emily's belly now very noticeable to her, Sam beside her, beaming. Leah only felt a small pang in her chest knowing her story with him was over and that it wasn't her growing beside him.
"Ready?" Sam asked Emily, both beaming with love and happiness.
"So, Emily and I just wanted to get everyone together today to let you all know that," he looked down to Emily and let her finish.
"We're having a baby!"
Leah watched, feeling as though she was watching strangers. Finally, their happiness didn't make her angry or hurt. She was just happy for them. Maybe a little jealous, but nonetheless, happy. Everyone broke out into congratulations and happiness and Leah filtered into the background easily.
"A baby," Seth said easily beside her after congratulating Sam and Emily. "Woah. I mean, I know they're married but a baby is… next level."
"Yup," Quil said, popping the 'p'. "Hopefully it's a girl, can you imagine another one of Sam?" His words were teasing, but Leah smirked.
"And what the Hell is up with you two?" Embry asked, turning toward Leah and Jacob.
"What do you mean?" Jacob asked casually, a knowing glint in his eye.
Seth frowned, "Don't hurt her. I'm serious, Jacob. If you-"
"Hey, you came!" Emily called, coming up behind her, breaking the boys out of their conversation.
"Of course. Congratulations," Leah said, turning to face her.
Emily's eyes were full of happy tears, and Leah felt her smile reflect Emily's joy as Sam walked up behind her, too.
Leah nodded, "Actually, can I, uh, steal you both for a minute? I wanted to talk to you in private."
Emily nodded, wanting nothing more than to have Leah around more, but a little worried considering they hadn't gotten to tell her the way they wanted to. "Of course, let's go inside."
The three of them went inside awkward tension surrounding them. Sam knew better than to think Leah would ruin this day for them, but still prepared himself for a difficult conversation.
They all went into the living room and Sam sat in his armchair while Emily and Leah sat on the couch, side by side. "I'm sorry for not telling you myself," Emily sighed.
"Don't worry about it, I know it wasn't an easy choice for you," she said honestly. "But I am really happy for you both, I swear."
"Thank you," Sam said, letting out a breath that he hadn't realized he had been holding. "We didn't want to hurt you-"
"I'm not hurt," she said firmly. "I'm okay. For… well, once in a long time, I feel like I'm in a good place."
"Do this have anything to do with your PDA with Jacob earlier?" Emily teased.
Leah took a deep breath in, "I mean… he's helped a lot, yeah." He hesitated before uttering her next words. "I, uh, told him how I feel about him." Emily was aware, Hell, everyone honestly was, but it was her first time admitting it in front of Sam.
"What did he say?"
She shrugged, "He didn't say it back, because of the imprint, but he didn't have to. I know how he feels. We're just… going to wait and see what happens."
"Well, I think your hearts healed a lot with him."
"Be careful," Sam said finally.
"I will be," she promised. "But this isn't about me and Jacob," Leah said carefully, looking between them both. "I wanted to apologize-"
"Leah, no-" Emily started, but Leah cut her off.
"No, seriously… I need to."
They both looked expectantly at Leah. If Sam was unnerved being in a room with his pregnant wife and his ex-girlfriend who he had been madly in love with at one point, he didn't show it. Emily looked to Sam as Leah finally met both of their eyes. Emily squeezed her hand again. Whether it was for encouragement or she was just nervous, Leah couldn't tell.
She took a deep breath before starting. This conversation was long overdue - painful and awkward, but necessary. "Sam… When we broke up, I blamed you for making me feel not good enough for you; for us. I thought you leaving was my fault since I had been so nagging last going off when things got rocky. Then when you met Emily… I blamed you for taking my best friend away and for being just like your dad. I blamed you for so many things that weren't your fault, and being without you and blaming you turned me into someone who I didn't even recognize and then I blamed you for that, too."
"Now that I know the whole story and the truth and have had ample time to process what it means, I'm grateful that you ended things when you did; to give me a chance at finding happiness when you knew it wasn't me who you'd spend your life with, so thank you for being strong enough to let me go because I know now that it wasn't easy for you. I'm sorry for being so terrible to you since we broke up. I've come to terms with the fact that it wasn't about you or me, but it just wasn't our story - it's just taken me longer than I'd like to admit."
Sam felt his heart racing in his chest, and he frowned, feeling his eyes burning with unshed tears and seeing her eyes brim with dampness, too. He got up and took the footrest over before her and sat in front of her, taking her hands in his. She didn't recoil, and he was glad.
"Leah," Sam said unsteadily, his voice choked up. "I never wanted you to feel those things. I love you enough that I never want you to ever feel those things ever again." It's why Jacob terrified him as a suitor for her, but he couldn't voice his concerns when she seemed so happy with him and he had seemed to do her well thus far. He would be there if she needed him when things went South, but he wouldn't stand in the way of her happiness with him until then. He couldn't. "But you don't have to apologize. The way you acted… I don't blame you. I blame myself." And he would forever. "I could have handled things a lot differently; better. I'm sorry that I couldn't be who you needed me to be."
Leah felt a tear fall down her cheek and she heard Emily sniff beside her. "I know, and I know I said I forgave you before, and that we both knew it was a load of bullshit, but I do mean it now. I forgive you, Sam, and I want us to be friends and… not be walking around on eggshells around each other; especially with a baby involved." It still hurt, but not nearly as much as before. She missed the man he used to be; the man she loved, but he wasn't him anymore. He had grown up and moved on, and it was time for her to finally allow herself to do the same. "We're different people now and I hope you forgive me, too."
Sam let her hand go and reached out, pulling her close into an embrace. He felt his tears falling down his face, and he smoothed her hair, keeping his eyes shut tightly. "Leah, there is nothing to forgive." He pulled back, peering in her eyes, but his gaze didn't hurt her heart anymore. "I want nothing but love for you, no matter what, okay? I'll always be in your corner. If that's Jacob, then I'm happy for you."
His words surprised her, but she nodded, feeling a weight lifted off her shoulders. "Thank you."
She took a deep breath before turning to Emily, whose face was soaked with tears. "Emily," she said reaching over to take her hand again. "I have so much to apologize to you for. Things that I can't even begin to fix. I feel extremely regretful that we couldn't get past everything before I missed the most important milestones in your life. I know you didn't ask for this – and I would never want you to give it back, even if you could." She flashed back to when Emily told her before her honeymoon that she would have given it back if she could have. "I see how happy he makes you, and I want that for both of you. I'm sorry for comparing myself to you so much that I couldn't stand to look at you – for blaming you for taking Sam away from me and wishing you never came to La Push. I'm sorry for being so insecure with myself that I blamed you for making me feel insignificant and unworthy of Sam. I love you, and I always will, and I… I just hope you'll forgive me and my pride."
"Leah," Emily said, trying to clear her throat and wipe her tears away. Emily felt her belly flutter and she smiled, reaching over to place Leah's hand on her belly so she could feel it. It only brought more tears. "We forgive you – all of us. Always. We deserved your scorn for what we did, and I understand that what we did was terrible to you, regardless if it was something we chose or not. I never thought you'd forgive me, and I'm very grateful for your kind heart. I want you to be happy, and I hope so much that we can be friends again."
Leah nodded, "I mean, it's going to take some work, but I'm here to work on it and I want to be close again. It will never be like it was, but that doesn't mean that it can't be better."
"I'm so happy to hear that," Emily said, hugging her friend tightly.
The girls pulled back and she heard Sam get up and move back to his seat, just as someone sat on the opposite side of her on the couch. She recognized his cologne immediately, even before she looked. He reached out to snake his arm around her waist and pull her into him. "Well said, Clearwater." She hadn't known he was there and felt a little embarrassed, but he kissed her hair and she felt stronger beside him.
"So," Emily said hesitantly. "You finally decided to admit your feelings for each other?"
Leah blushed, and Jacob chuckled but shifted uncomfortably. "Something like that." He looked between Sam and Emily before looking back to Leah, nuzzling his face into her hair, unable to resist the intense desire to touch and be near her.
"Do you love her?" Sam asked, point-blank.
Jacob hadn't said the words, pointedly, to spare her any more pain than what was already coming – spare them both, but he felt the pressure of the situation – to live up to someone worthy of Leah in Sam's eyes. "She's amazing, Sam. I won't hurt her intentionally."
"I can take care of myself," Leah said firmly.
"Don't I know it," Jacob smirked before turning his attention back to Sam and Emily. "I'm done worrying about the imprint," he said strongly. "Until it becomes a reality."
Leah looked up at him and kissed him softly.
Emily giggled, "Alright, we're going to leave you two lovebirds alone."
Leah blushed and pulled back. "Wait – seriously, I can't wait to meet the baby. Congratulations."
Emily and Sam smiled and nodded their thanks before leaving and joining the others.
Jacob kissed her passionately as soon as they had the room to themselves, and Leah felt her body respond appropriately. When they realized they were becoming a little too hot and heavy for Emily and Sam's living couch, Leah pulled back.
"Let's go to my place – Seth's here so…"
"How about we find another tree?"
Leah smirked and bit her lower lip. "I like the sound of that."
Their passionate woodland intimacy session didn't take long to initiate and about an hour later, they ended up in her bedroom, wrapped up in the sheets together, thankful that Seth was still at Sam and Emily's. Luckily, her back was spared this time, but her nail marks were all over his.
Laying there with her, he finally decided a good way to test the imprint with Leah. Depending on how it went, maybe he could tell her how he felt without Nessie being fully matured. She was so close already that it made him wonder if much would change between now and then. His wolf had been weirdly quiet ever since the clearing, so maybe it was finally letting him be happy?
"Your hair is getting longer," he noted as he smoothed it.
She nodded, reaching up to touch it. It was down to her chest now, just brushing the top of her cleavage. "Yeah, it's nice to not have to cut it anymore." Her hair always grew fast, which meant a lot of trims when she was phasing to keep the length manageable.
She remembered when she cut it originally.
She had been in her bathroom, not long after she first phased. She had promised Sam she would never cut her hair – he loved it. Standing there, with scissors in her hand, she was intent to break the last promise she had left to be able to be broken.
Her hair was wet, cascading down her back, down to her tailbone. She hadn't considered the implications of her decision. She knew she had to cut it anyways because of the pack, so as she brought the scissors up, just under her jawline, she didn't hesitate in pushing the blades together. She had been angry and upset and ready for a change.
She remembered Seth whining on the other side of the door for her to hurry up in the bathroom. He had to get ready for school and she had been soaking in the tub a while, getting the courage to make this necessary change, but he wasn't important right now. He knocked on the door with his fist, causing it to vibrate against the door frame thanks to his newfound wolf strength, and then finally, he stalked off to go find their mom to make Leah come out.
As she saw the lock of hair that she had cut fall to the floor, she only felt disbelief. The empty feeling that she had felt since the break-up and her dad's funeral had finally shattered as she brought the scissors back up and cut more hair from her head. Her hair had always been long – beautiful, and knowing how much Sam loved it fueled her desire to cut it all away now that he had cut her off. Staring at it on the floor, though, made her chest hurt.
As much as she couldn't wait to see Sam's face when he saw her again, she felt incomplete without her long locks. With another clip, more hair fell and, suddenly, warm, salty tears fell from her eyes, a sob catching in the back of her throat. She dropped the scissors, staring at the botched job she had done on her hair as her mom knocked on the door, telling her she had enough time in the bathroom – and seemingly exhausted from still having to be the mediator between the kids even into adulthood.
Leah reached out automatically and unlocked the door. Sue stepped in, with tired eyes, and when she saw her, they went wide; shocked. "Leah…" She immediately pulled Leah into her arms, and her daughter's body shook with sobs. Seth was staring, disbelieving, on the other side of the door, before he went back to his room.
After what felt like forever and she had no more tears left, Sue reached down and picked up the scissors. "Come here," she said motherly, fixing the terrible job that Leah had done, and making it even.
Jacob's voice shattered the memory.
"Do you want to come over to the Cullen's with me?" He asked as she laid against his chest, seemingly deep in thought.
"That is probably the dumbest question you've ever asked me," she teased, shaking off the nostalgia.
"I may need some back-up," he smirked.
"Jake, I don't need to go with you to see Renesmee."
He knew it was a cruel question to ask her when he knew how she felt, but he wanted to test it out – have both women in the same room and see what his imprint forced on him and if what he felt for Leah could withstand the imprint's pull to this point. It was the only thing he could determine to test his fate. "Come, for me – I'll even buy you dinner on the way home, plus, I thought that we could talk to Carlisle and see if he's figured anything out."
She wasn't sure why he wanted her to go, but she did kind of want to spend some more time with him. She knew from his thoughts and what he had told her that his imprint was complicated, but she hadn't even seen them together for… well, a while. Since New Year's Eve. Maybe it would be revealing to go and see what happened. Plus, it would be nice to see if Carlisle found anything, despite the pull lacking since the clearing. "Fine, but I'm starving, so get your wallet ready."
Jacob smirked, and rolled his eyes as they both got up and dressed and went to grab his bike. He handed her the extra helmet and got on the front. "Hold on tight, Clearwater."
Leah enjoyed having her arms wrapped tightly around Jacob's waist as they spun off toward the Cullen's. Jacob felt the absence of Leah as they arrived and got off as he kicked his bike's stand down. They put their helmets on the handlebars before they walked inside to the Cullen's.
He didn't see anyone at first and he walked upstairs to Carlisle's study, knocking on the door. Carlisle called for him to enter, and Jacob went inside with Leah – who seemed unnerved as usual around vampires.
"Jacob," Carlisle greeted before seeing Leah following. "Leah, nice to see you." She nodded curtly and Jacob shut the door behind them before hovering in the doorway. "Have you seen Renesmee?"
"Not yet, we wanted to talk to you, first," Jacob said.
Carlisle looked nervous suddenly, but the expression was fleeting. "I have done some research," he said, guessing at what he meant. "Do you both want to sit down?"
Jacob hesitated but gestured for Leah to follow him and Carlisle got up from his desk and sat in the armchair opposite a couch, where Jacob and Leah sat.
"Did you find out anything about this pull?"
"I don't feel it anymore," Leah admitted.
"What?" Jacob turned to her, clearly confused.
She shrugged, looking between Jacob and Carlisle. "Since the clearing… I haven't felt it."
"We've slept together since, though," he said, trying to forget Carlisle was there to hear this.
"I didn't say I didn't want to sleep with you anymore, just… the part of it that felt out of control or well, forced, is gone. Don't you feel it?"
Jacob hesitated, "I haven't noticed. For me, the sexual chemistry is still there." Then again, he hadn't necessarily been completely on board with her theory, anyways. He felt the chemistry all along, but nothing had changed for him since the clearing; unless you counted wanting her even more after hearing her express her affection toward him.
"I'm not saying it isn't there for me," she argued, taking his hand. "I still… want you, but before, it was suffocating. The morning after the clearing was the only time that I felt even remotely… placated with the sexual energy between us. Before that, I think we could have stayed in bed all day and it wouldn't have made a difference. Since then, obviously, there's sexual chemistry, but it's not… palpable every second of every day. It feels more normal." She was blushing, knowing Carlisle was listening but avoided his gaze.
Jacob hesitated, taking in her words and the specific time that she said it ended – the clearing. "I haven't felt the imprint as strong since then, either."
"What?"
He sighed, "Every time that I slept with you until then… I always felt guilty because of the imprint. But since then, all I've felt is… well, happy."
"So, the clearing," Carlisle said, trying to piece it together. "Last week. You both experienced… changes?" They both looked to Carlisle and Leah nodded, vaguely aware that Jacob was holding her hand. "Is there anything that you can think of that would have… initiated this change from that night?"
Leah paused, and Jacob looked down at her, taking a deep breath. "Lee…"
"He doesn't need to know that."
"What if it… affected something? What if this 'bigger force' you kept referring to is involved somehow, and this changed things?"
Carlisle let them debate, and Leah sighed. "Fine."
Jacob looked to Carlisle as Leah averted his gaze. "Leah and I slept together for the first time in a while. We expressed our feelings for each other."
Unfortunately, something like that didn't exactly correlate with his research, but, well, it was something. "Okay," he said levelly. "So, just to go off-topic for a moment, I can kind of understand why the… intense chemistry died off if my predictions correct. Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with why your imprint seemed to change – or anything to do with why it all happened at once." Carlisle rested his foot on his knee and sat back. "So, can we remove all… human emotions for a moment?"
"Easy for a vamp," Leah muttered.
Jacob ignored her and nodded, appreciating Carlisle's help and wishing she would do the same.
"When was the first time you slept together?"
"January 14th," Leah answered.
"Sam and Emily's wedding was the 13th," Jacob pointed out.
Leah looked over at him and rolled her eyes, "We slept together after midnight – the 14th."
"Oh, right."
Carlisle nodded. "So… Wolf mating season is between January and April. Traditionally, the Alpha male and the Alpha female mate together to create a stronger wolf. The… courtship is usually short but intense, and they mate for life to strengthen the pack. If we can get a little primal, here, the facts are… well, not too far off base of the truth. Your wolf nature was pushing you together. It's not the only culprit, I don't believe, but I think that's where the explosive chemistry came from; your wolves thought that the best chance at reproduction was together – to create a stronger wolf. And now that it's March, it's possible that the mating season has ended, which makes sense for the… change in intensity. It hasn't completely taken away the sexual impulse because you've already made a strong connection, on a more human level, which also makes sense for your feelings for one another, and that courtship probably kicked off the mating season, but it does explain the change of intensity."
Carlisle may as well have been speaking Dutch because Leah was finding it very difficult to follow and was immediately disgusted. She cringed at the thought and avoided looking at both Carlisle and Jacob, feeling a pit growing in her stomach.
Through her unease, however, she found a logical flaw in his explanation. "I can't get pregnant as a wolf, though, or maybe ever, so how did our… instincts not get that message?"
Carlisle nodded, "Well, my explanation is simply revolving around typical animal tendency. You're a shapeshifter and spend time in both wolf and human form, so it's possible that the animalistic nature to mate was still there, regardless if as a human, you could participate in the reproduction. Of course, it's only speculation on my part, but it makes sense as to the chemistry – whether it could have worked physically or not."
"My wolf imprinted," Jacob said. "So, if my wolf drove me to try and… reproduce with Leah, then why the hell did I imprint on Renesmee?" Even saying the word reproduce made him uncomfortable, but he had so many questions and Leah looked to have more of her own.
"Well, that brings me to my next point – you have no idea why wolves imprint. You assume it's either for reproduction or to make a stronger wolf, correct?" Jacob nodded, and Carlisle continued. "Maybe it's a combination of both. Maybe it's just to make a wolf stronger, I can't say for sure."
They were getting a lot of speculation here, Leah thought idly, not exactly anything concrete, but she still felt intrigued – even if it wasn't proven maybe Carlisle's information could still be of use somehow.
"Maybe," Carlisle said. "Renesmee makes you a stronger wolf because she was the catalyst for you claiming your birthright as Alpha; to protect her. Maybe imprinting is trivial, and it just happens by chance. Who knows, but reproduction may not necessarily be the only or the main cause for imprinting. With you and Nessie… well, it kind of almost pushes the theory of making a stronger wolf than it does reproduction. If it does happen in efforts to make a stronger wolf, she had already served her purpose in your life by the time you and Leah were stuck in the mating season together, so your wolf probably realized the potential there for furthering your gene pools and to create a strong bloodline. Your imprint may feel differently than the others because they weren't affected by the mating season. Only the rightful Alpha and the Alpha female would mate together. So, with the new development of female wolves into your ranks, it could possibly challenge an imprint."
"I don't ever want to hear those words again," Leah groaned. Mating season? Kill her now. Her ears perked up at the last part, though. It could possibly challenge an imprint. Then again, this was all a guessing game and despite Carlisle's intelligence, there was no way of testing and proving any of this.
"As I said, think primally," Carlisle chuckled. "You're both a good match together and would most likely make a very fierce wolf if you could and that would protect the pack's legacy moving forward. It's biology, and its also likely that your wolves knew that before you did, or well, understood what it was doing. But, the feelings you have now, they're completely natural; human, which is why you're still attracted to each other and care for each other. Jasper can attest to those if you'd like."
"I do not want to have a litter of pups," Leah groaned, feeling the absurdity in all of this. Why didn't she just think to Google 'wolf sex' during her own research? Actually… yeah, never mind.
"At least we know where the… chemistry came from?" Jacob supplied, trying not to laugh at the disgusted look on her face.
"You wanting to mount me!?"
Despite the seriousness of the conversation, Jacob and Carlisle couldn't help but chuckle.
"You want to know the worst part of this?" Leah grumbled. "This actually isn't the most insane thing I've ever heard. It is, however, probably the most disturbing."
Jacob chuckled and kissed the side of her head. "Well, if Carlisle's right, you heard him – wolves' mate for life." And maybe, he thought, he could choose Leah – challenge the imprint, but he didn't want to say the words aloud in case they were untrue.
"If you ever use the word mating to describe…" her words cut off, knowing they had an audience. "Choose your words wisely, Black."
"So… this happened because she's the first female wolf, which is why we had no prior… well, indication of anything like this?"
Carlisle nodded, "Precisely."
"Don't even say it," Leah said through gritted teeth, immediately looking at Jacob.
"Well we have to tell everyone," he said offensively. "Don't you think it would have been nice to know this tidbit of information before now? If there are any more future female wolves…"
"We don't even know if this is concrete, it's just speculation!"
Jacob shrugged, "Researched speculation that has merit."
"Only in the animal kingdom, not entirely proven on how it translates to shapeshifters," she pointed out.
"Still, they need to know. We need to pass down as much knowledge about what we are – or could be, as possible, so the bloodlines, traditions, and legends stay alive in future generations."
"Kill me now," she groaned. "The guys will have a fucking field day with this. Just think of the mental pictures." She sighed and let her face fall into her hands. "This is terrible."
"So if you're right and we're passed the mating season," Jacob said awkwardly, ignoring Leah's clear embarrassment. "I… uh, I don't feel any different. She says the intensity has changed for her, but it hasn't lessened for me."
Carlisle didn't need Edward to read Jacob's mind – he just nodded. "You being apprehensive of her claim, to begin with, makes sense. A female wolf approaches the mating season differently, so it makes sense why Leah felt it a different than you did – plus your heightened testosterone would agree with a high sex drive anyways, as a human. Without bloodwork from Leah, I can't attest to her levels. Leah's wolf, however, would have been in heat, so to speak, which initialized the mating season. Female wolves dictate the urge to reproduce. Male wolves are more willing to mate at any time of the year but are only actually able to when the female allows." He knew more about wolf mating than he cared to at this point.
"This literally cannot get any worse," she looked up to meet Jacob's eyes. "If the guys picture your wolf mounting me, or say one word about me being in heat, I swear, I will-"
"Leah…" Jacob shook his head, unable to stop the grin from spreading across his lips. Was it embarrassing? Kind of, but, like Carlisle said, it was human – or, animal nature. Sex felt good as a human, it was fun, and the wolves were edging them on to… well, continue their legacy. At least it was something he could understand and put reason to and explained his imprint being different, but the look of embarrassment on Leah's face was priceless. That, and well, she was the one 'in heat', not him, so it was a little more hilarious from his perspective.
"This isn't funny, wipe the grin off your face, or I'll do it for you."
Jacob chuckled and reached over, cupping her cheek. "It's natural."
"The most natural thing," Carlisle agreed, causing her to think back to her mother's similar words during their conversation about it.
Sex is as natural as you can get. Even animals have it figured out.
Well if her life wasn't a constant foreshadowing of something worse impending, she would have been surprised at this new development, but nope, just same old fucked up insanity as usual.
"Well, thank you for looking into it," Jacob said finally. "We will… bring this new information to light with the elders and the pack to see how to process it and pass it down moving forward."
"The elders!?" Leah exclaimed again. "No way, not happening. I'm not being a part of that conversation."
"You already told your mom about this," he said pointedly.
"Do you really want to sit in front of Sam and explain how your wolf wants to mount me?"
"You're caught up in this whole mounting thing, huh?"
"How else do you think wolves mate!?"
Jacob rubbed the back of his neck and sighed, "I will assure them all of our… activities happened in human flesh, okay?"
"No, no way-"
"You're not the only one affected by this Leah. It's… awkward for both of us, plus it's important for the future if other female phase, how many times do I have to tell you that? I don't want to explain our sex life to anyone, but it's kind of necessary considering."
She shut up, crossing her arms over her chest in both embarrassment and annoyance.
"Thank you, Carlisle," Jacob said finally, knowing that he won their argument for now.
Jacob got up, and Leah followed suit. Carlisle stayed seated, though. "Renesmee is in the cottage – you really should see her before you go, Jacob."
"Is she okay?" He asked immediately, feeling his wolf perk up for the first time in a week at Renesmee's well-being being questioned.
"She's fine, just… wanted to speak with you."
He nodded, realizing Carlisle wasn't telling him something, but left with Leah and went out the front door of the Cullen's, walking out back to the cottage.
"That was the most humiliating thing ever."
Jacob chuckled, "I happen to like the mating season."
"Jake," she groaned as they continued walking to the cottage, realizing she didn't want to see Renesmee after all – or allow Edward to possibly read her now troubled mind. "I can go, seriously… I don't need to be here for this. I think I've had enough of the Cullen's for today."
"It's fine, it shouldn't take long," he promised. "Then we can go get some food."
"Like a date?"
Jacob stopped walking; their fingers still intertwined. "Like a date," he said softly, squeezing her hand.
"A date kind of seems trivial now that I know that your wolf was trying to impregnate me," she couldn't help but to finally laugh at the idea, her cheeks still heated. "Kind of surpassed first base and went right for the home run, huh?"
Laughter was the dominant thing today because he laughed again, unable to help it. "I can still try after dinner?" He mused. "I mean, for old time's sake."
"Maybe a condom is a good idea, after all," Leah mused. "Frozen eggs or not, I still feel kind of violated."
"Oh, Leah."
"A date with Jacob Black," she said finally, changing the subject. "Never in my life did I think that would make me happy."
He smirked, "And never in my life did I think that when I was sitting on those cliffs stewing about Bella and you were making me think of all the creative ways to throw you off the cliff, that we could even have a non-antagonistic conversation, but here we are."
"Yup. Here we are. Trying to knock me up and all." She had to find the humour in it, or else she would never get over the disturbing nature of it. Natural or not, it was weird.
"You've changed," he said gently as they started walking again, the small cottage coming into view.
"So have you."
They walked in silence the rest of the way and Jacob dropped Leah's hand and knocked politely before Bella answered.
"Jake," she said happily, her face falling when she saw Leah.
Renesmee was behind her in an instant, in the door, and as soon as Jacob laid eyes on her, he felt it. His entire planet shifted. Renesmee stood there at approximately 5'8", her long brown hair with a red tinge when the sun hit it, her porcelain skin sparkling, and Jacob felt his heart clench.
He almost felt like falling to his knees in front of the beautiful woman and maybe he would have if not for the fact that the woman who he had begged to come along and who he had been falling for was right next to him. He knew whatever look that was currently on his face would betray his true feelings to Leah and possibly hurt her unintentionally, but he was desperately trying to keep it together. Unfortunately, she had been through this before with Sam – eerily similar and knew what had happened immediately.
"Hello Jacob, Leah," she nodded politely.
"Ness.. you're…"
"Full-grown," she provided for him. "Yup. Woke up this morning three inches taller and… well, like this."
"Carlisle…" Jacob started, feeling like a complete idiot.
"Said her mental and physical capacity is complete," Bella answered his unspoken question.
"Do you both want to come in?" Nessie asked softly, her voice changed slightly along with her matured appearance. "I'd like to talk with Jacob."
Suddenly, weirdly enough, Jacob wished for Sam at that moment – to help him understand. He had to try to mitigate this situation, knowing whatever this conversation held wasn't something that Leah would want to hear, but he felt terrible after practically begging her to come, and having been in bed with her hours ago. He hadn't expected Renesmee to have grown into a woman overnight – he had only seen her days prior. However, as he turned to face his Beta, he felt another wave of power flood over him – the love he had for her, and it wasn't dulled by the force of his imprint like Sam's had been. Oh, this was complicated. "Can you go back to the reservation and wait for me there? I'll find you after." He handed her the keys to the motorcycle, but she declined them.
She turned on her heel, masking whatever she was thinking well, but Jacob reached out and grabbed her wrist. He took a step toward her as she turned to face him, he pulled her against his chest. He couldn't have her thinking he didn't care and honestly? He didn't want her to see his face. Leah, slightly confused, left after that and went into the brush. She thought about phasing but decided she needed some time in her headspace. Jacob was gone – just like that, and for whatever stupid reasoning, she felt a couple of rogue tears slip down her cheeks as she left. She was never enough – never would be enough. Her happiness was always short-lived. She should have known better and had no one to blame but herself for her happy delusions: to be hopeful for any positive outcome. Hope. What a stupid word.
Renesmee felt a little awkward seeing him hug Leah, but her dad had told her that Jacob and Leah had something special – something like what they had. When she left, Renesmee stepped outside and took his hand, leading him out the front door and over to the side of the house, just inside the brush at the edge of their property line. There was a big rock there that she sat on as the sun streamed through the trees and hit her skin in various places. Jacob was fascinated more so than ever before, and he knew he had to tread cautiously.
He stayed stood about two feet away and Renesmee smiled, patting the rock beside her. "I won't bite," she said, feeling amused herself at the pun.
"Can never be too sure," he teased forcibly, trying to make the situation more comfortable. He took a deep breath in and went over beside her, sitting next to her on the rock, keeping space between them.
"I had a pretty intensive talk with my parents this morning," she admitted. "So, I think I'm pretty well up to speed on what I should be."
Jacob nodded, "What did you guys discuss exactly?"
"Well, how this all came into fruition," she said maturely.
Jacob nodded, sitting beside her, but not touching her. "So, what can I clarify for you?"
Nessie shrugged, "Nothing. I just… wanted to see you. Now that things are… well, changed."
Changed was putting it mildly.
Nessie reached over and gently took Jacob's hand, awkwardly stringing her small fingers through his bigger ones. Jacob felt the power that the small touch brought, and he gulped as a lump formed in his throat. Nessie was here, fully matured, and clearly wanted to be with him and now the ball was in his court. He remembered Carlisle's words from earlier and decided the older vamp's conclusions on his situation with Leah, had a lot of merits:
With the new development of female wolves into your ranks, it could possibly challenge an imprint.
Only minutes prior, he wanted to jump on that statement and do just that – choose Leah, but now, with Renesmee in front of him, he felt his inner wolf come alive again and it pushed him toward Nessie more fiercely than ever before, his inner man protesting every step of the way.
"Ness..." Jacob said softly. "You know that we're imprinted, but… What do you want?"
She had so many unanswered questions, even from her chat earlier with her parents – things she didn't feel appropriate to ask them, or even Jacob, considering her new status to love and relationships. But they didn't have much time – not with her parents telling her it was time for them to go. They had to move before anyone caught sight of her – somewhere new where they could blend in. It was a long time coming. They were getting together with the rest of the family as soon as she finished talking to Jacob and then, once things were set in motion, she knew she had to tell Jacob – and give him the option to either stay in La Push or come with them.
"What do you want, Jacob?" She asked finally.
"I care about you," he said finally. "But I need to know how you feel." His wolf had to know.
She shrugged, "You already know. You're my Jacob, right?"
He struggled to find the right words, "I'm always going to be your imprint."
"And now… that means we're romantic, right?"
"Do you want to be romantic?" Renesmee blushed and Jacob took a deep breath, squeezing her hand. "I want you to be able to talk to me; I need you to."
She looked up to meet his eyes underneath her lashes and licked her lips to moisten them before she sighed, "I think you're very attractive." Her words were innocent in comparison to his she-wolf, but they held power – the force of the imprint. He felt the wolf jump for joy at her admission, but his man wouldn't allow him to celebrate just yet.
"So you do want to start something romantic? You have a choice here, Ness. I won't… force anything on you."
"I want to if you want to. Do you?"
Jacob couldn't answer. His confliction, much like when Leah told him how she felt, kept his mouth shut. He was doing shit at managing these two relationships, that much was obvious. "I'd like to see what that's like," he finally admitted, betraying the part of him that loved Leah, but knowing he would never be able to make a sound choice without testing the imprints waters. If he wanted to choose Leah, he had to be sure that he could.
"I'd like that," she whispered.
She was so pure; so innocent. So undamaged. Almost like Bella when she first returned to Forks.
He felt like he was about to corrupt her just looking at her, and she surprised him when she closed her eyes and moved to brush her lips against his. Against his better judgement, he felt himself melt into her lips and when he kissed her back, he felt the crackle of spark the imprint held drawing them closer. He reached up, letting his fingers tangle in her long hair, lips moving slowly but passionately against hers and she repositioned herself so that she was completely facing him on the rock, their torso's pressing together, her legs draped over his. He pulled back, breaking the kiss, eyes still closed as his forehead pressed against hers.
Renesmee spoke, breaking the silence, and he opened his eyes to look into hers. "That was… intense," she admitted. "Better than I imagined."
"You imagined this?"
She nodded, taking a deep breath. "Yeah, you've… had my attention for a while, now, but when I woke up this morning, I felt… whole. Like I was finally ready to be yours."
To be his. His chest hurt – he wanted to want her completely and utterly, but the she-wolf was plaguing his mind at that moment, and it told him a lot about his relationship with her. If he could be so conflicted after sitting there, kissing Renesmee, there had to be a reason, right? He also, admittedly, hadn't pictured this. His imprint was so innocent before now that he had trouble believing it could reach romantic heights. He had also been too busy exploring a romantic connection with Leah to let his thoughts wander to Renesmee. He wasn't sure what to say, yet again, and she broke the silence.
"I should go," Renesmee said sweetly. "We were getting ready to go to the main house when you came – to see everyone and talk. The others are just getting back from feeding."
Jacob nodded, "Alright. When will I see you again?"
"Can you come by Sunday?" She knew there would be a lot for her family to discuss between now and then and wanted to wait to see him again until she knew what was going on and would be able to tell him and answer any questions that he had.
It was Tuesday, March 20th, and Jacob nodded. "Of course."
"Around 8?"
He nodded and she got up off the rock. He followed suit and hugged her gently. When she pulled back and looked up to him, he hesitated before pressing his lips to hers for a moment, feeling as though he should. "I'll see you at 8 on Sunday," he promised before she turned happily on her heel and went back to the cottage.
He sat back down on the rock and cursed when he heard the cabin door shut. What the fuck was he supposed to do now? He thought today would give him clarity, but he was more confused than ever before.
He wasn't sure how long he was there before he heard a familiar voice behind him. He turned seeing Sam. They hadn't seen eye to eye in so long and it felt weird to be grateful for his presence.
"Hey. Leah came to get me," he admitted. "She asked me to make sure you were okay, but she wouldn't tell me anything."
So she had caught the torn look on his face. He knew she had, but he had hoped that he had imagined the betrayal in her eyes. "Is she okay?"
Sam's brow furrowed. "Leah? She seemed okay, she's with Emily and Rachel at our place. Do you need me to... explain anything?" After Leah had held up in her bedroom all evening after Seth imprinted, Sam and he had a very long conversation about imprinting – as he did with every wolf who imprinted. He hadn't done that with Jacob since they hadn't even been in the same pack when it happened, but now that it matured, he probably had questions.
"Phase," he said suddenly, not wanting to rehash the day's events. He got up and took his shirt off and Sam followed as they turned their backs to one another.
Both men phased after tying their clothes to their legs and started the run home. Jacob gave him the quick recap, including their conversation with Carlisle – much to Sam's displeasure, to highlight the vamp's point about him possibly being able to challenge the imprint. In the face of Nessie, it seemed difficult, but now that she wasn't standing in front of him, his wolf shut up and his man suddenly, desperately wanted to go to the she-wolf immediately.
So… you have a choice between them?
I don't know… I was so sure before this that I could fight the imprint and be with her, but the romance is there with Ness, too. Out of all the outcomes, I didn't think that… well, I would have feelings for them both. I considered when Nessie matured, the romantic factor not coming into play and being able to pick Leah, and I also considered Nessie overshadowing the feelings I had for Leah as Emily did for you, but for both to be so strong… I'm confused.You and me both.I'm a jerk.
You knew the imprint was, most likely, going to change – you got lucky that it seems you're able to make the decision between them instead of it making it for you.
I don't feel lucky. Either way I'm hurting someone. If I pick Leah, Renesmee is hurt, if I pick Renesmee… Either way, all three of us end up hurt.
Why do you say that?
If I'm with Renesmee, what does that mean long-term? Me phasing forever… being immortal? Realistically, even if we could have kids, we would be opening ourselves up to another Volturi interference and god knows our… genetic make-up could be confusing at best. With her, as much as I care about her and love her, it wouldn't be easy.
And with Leah, it would be?
No, not a chance. Do you forget who you're talking about?
Sam chuckled and Jacob's thoughts continued. But I don't think that she'll forgive me for not being able to close my heart entirely to the imprint. She saw my face back there when I first saw Renesmee… When she told me how she felt the other night… she said she would always be second best. I think you can appreciate how much that hurt to hear. Even if I can pick her, I'm not sure she deserves to feel that way forever and I don't know how to make her not feel that with the imprint being a constant battle. Do you think that she's second-best?
What? Of course not.
Then make her see that if you decide to pursue Leah. How are the two different? They can't both be as equally strong, right?
Renesmee is… well, it's the imprint. It feels forced because of the imprint. You know how that is. With Leah… it's so different.
Different?
I feel like… I'm home with her. I can be myself and I don't have to walk on eggshells or worry about anything. It's natural.
Who do you want to pursue? Jacob felt his wolf jump and he fought back the urge to say Renesmee's name. Instead, he brought one name to the forefront of his mind: Leah.
Sam was shocked. Being in Jacob's mind allowed him to see his struggle at finding Leah's name in the face of his imprint – but he had done it. Sam wished so many times when he first imprinted that he could do that – choose Leah, if only for their history and the easiness it would bring, especially when Emily forced him away, but he couldn't. He could only see Emily. Jacob not only saw Leah, but his freedom of choice silenced the imprint because as soon as her name was there, his wolf shut up again and Jacob realized it, too.
Maybe Carlisle's right. As… well, disturbing as your conversation was with him for all of us, maybe your bond with Leah can outrank the imprint – if you let it.
How do I do that though? When Renesmee isn't in front of me… well, it's a lot easier to do what I want instead of what the imprint wants, but I'm afraid if I'm faced with her asking me to choose her, my wolf won't let me tell her no.
I think you already have.
What?
Earlier. You stalled. If Emily asked me what I wanted, I wouldn't have even been able to hesitate. You did.
But what if I can't do that again?
You can if you want to. Your wolf is pulled in two different directions, your Alpha female, or your Imprint, but the wolf aside, you want Leah, correct?
I
think we could be happy together if things were easier.
Well, your wolf is confused – clearly, and if you want Leah, make the part of your wolf who wants her stand out.
How?
By telling Renesmee.
He hadn't left Leah out of the equation earlier to be deceitful; he just was so caught off guard. If he told her about Leah, maybe they would have had an entirely different conversation. Maybe he should have. Maybe he should go back and tell her. If he faced her now, though, could he tell her what was really in his heart? Would the imprint allow it? Would Leah want him knowing how difficult the decision was, and how hard he would have to continue to fight for her in the face of his imprint? Would it be that way forever?
What do I tell Leah? I have to go see her, I can't just… drop off the grid after today.
Be honest with her. If she can accept the imprints pull is there, but you're choosing her, then maybe she'll surprise you.
She shouldn't have to.
Love is messy sometimes.
Tell me about it.
Sam didn't know what else to say as they met the brush outside Jacob's house. The day had grown dark, now, the sun setting over the trees and they both phased back and dressed. He wanted Leah to be happy, and although Jacob's uncertainty terrified him if he was willing to do what he, himself, couldn't, and fight for Leah, there had to be some merit there, right?
Sam sighed, "You've got yourself into a tough situation, Jake. My choice… it was… well, easy. I don't say that to diminish what an amazing woman Leah was and still is, or because I didn't love her, but my imprint didn't allow me to feel as strongly for anyone else as I did for Emily. But, well, Quil's imprint is different, too."
"What do you mean?"
"He told me earlier this week that he plans to stop phasing."
Jacob's brow furrowed, "I thought he was going to continue until Claire was older?"
"That's going to be years, Jacob, unlike with Renesmee. He said he has chosen to be her big brother; her protector, but to take the non-romantic road. He can't wait forever."
"He always intended to phase until she was old enough," Jacob argued.
"He's tired of waiting, Jake. He wants a normal life, can you blame him?"
Jacob shook his head, thinking back to how touchy Quil had been lately about his imprint – it made sense, now. "Well, I guess it's nice to have someone who's imprint is just as fucked up as mine."
"Imprint's don't have to be romantic. Is your mind made up? 100%?"
"I'm in love with her; Leah. I love Nessie, because of the imprint, but I'm in love with Leah. Our souls just… they match. But she probably hates me," Jacob grumbled. "I practically fell to my knees the minute I saw Renesmee."
"That's the imprint," Sam reminded him again. "It's Leah's choice on how to approach this and you can't decide that for her. But can you go to Leah right now and tell her all of this if Renesmee does want to act on it and, if when faced with that, your imprint changes?"
"When I was with her, I couldn't stop thinking about Leah… I can't see why Renesmee would want to keep things going if I tell her that. Renesmee deserves better." He sighed, "Leah deserves better," Jacob choked out. "She deserves-"
"You don't have to tell me what she deserves," Sam said firmly. "That woman… she deserves the world. Do you think I don't see how amazing she is? I see it every time I see her… I just know I've loved Emily more since the second I laid eyes on her. Leah deserves someone willing to fight for her, and if you are, then make her see it. If not, you need to let her go."
"She's not okay, is she?"
Sam may have exaggerated just how okay she was earlier. "She will be fine."
"How bad?" Jacob persisted.
Sam sighed, "She's far from inconsolable; she's just upset."
"I need to talk to her-"
"No, you need to go home and figure your emotions out. You can't walk up to her after she saw what she did and profess your feelings without being 100% sure. Talk to Renesmee first and see if you can openly reject the imprint when faced with her, and how she reacts, then talk to Leah."
"She'll hate me if I don't try to explain-"
"She'll hate you even more if you say something that you don't mean."
Sam was right; he needed time. "Tomorrow," he vowed. "I'll see Renesmee, then talk to Leah."
"If you need anything, you know where we are," Sam said easily before turning.
Jacob stood there for what felt like forever. He knew Sam must be home by now, and he was about to take his advice and go himself, but he had to talk to Leah, even if it was a disaster. Taking it on good faith that she would still be at Sam and Emily's, Jacob ran over there.
When he got to the small house, he took a deep breath in and walked up, knocking on the door.
Rachel answered, and frowned when she saw Jacob. "It's not a good time," she said, stepping out onto the porch and closing the door behind her.
"I have to talk to her."
"I think she knows what you're going to say, really, just-"
"No, I don't think she does," he argued. "Can you send her out, Rach, please?"
His sister looked conflicted but finally nodded. "Just for the record, I think this is a stupid idea. As usual." She disappeared back inside, and Jacob turned, facing the road as he grabbed the railing with both hands. A minute later, he heard the door open, and close again and he turned to see the she-wolf. Why did all their pivotal conversations happen on a balcony?
Jacob sighed, knowing how bad he looked right now but desperately needing her to try to understand his position. "Are you okay?"
"Fine," she said firmly, jaw clenched, arms crossed. "Look, I'm sorry. I should have never told you how I felt. We can be friends, but right now I'd like you to leave and give me some space for a little while." He could see the bloodshot colouring of her eyes and he hated himself for being the cause of it. Her strong stance didn't hide her emotions – she couldn't hide from him, but she had her words carefully picked and rehearsed.
"I don't want to be friends, Leah, that's the problem," he cried, throwing his hands up in the air. "I want you; I love you, I -" The words just slipped out, and she looked at him like he just told her he hated her. He had been so careful not to return those three little words until the time was right, but he just blew it.
"How admirable," Leah said through gritted teeth. "That you'd show up here confessing your undying love for me when you just sent me away and you smell like her. You've been gone for a while, did you tell her how much you love her, too?" Leah flashed back to their altercation months ago outside of Billy's and knew just like then, they had an audience. The house behind them was quiet, no doubt waiting for her and Jacob to go up in flames. Even picturing Jacob's lips on Renesmee's made her feel nauseous.
Ah, fuck. Cue him being a piece of shit. Maybe Sam was right, but he couldn't go home without her knowing that he hadn't written her off. Maybe he should have showered first, though. "Leah…"
"I'd rather not hear about your picture-perfect imprint – I saw it on your face already, so please leave. Don't pretend like you don't have feelings for her, too."
"My feelings for you are what matter," Jacob said, wishing she would just let him talk for a minute. With Leah in front of him, there was no confliction in who he wanted; her. His wolf was silenced again, and his inner man wanted to beg her to believe him; to trust him. Leah sat down on the small porch swing outside to put some more distance between them.
"After you rolled around with her?" Leah asked curiously. He smelt like her too prominently to have just talked to her - she still had her wolf-sense of smell. She knew that he cared for Renesmee, and despite the notion that he still cared about her being shocking to her, she wasn't about to play any games with him in the face of an imprint. She had been hoping the imprint would be unromantic once it matured and they could be together, but that wasn't the case.
Jacob reached up to rub the back of his neck and he averted his gaze. "It was just a kiss."
Leah's composure faltered knowing that Renesmee's lips had been the last one's on his – the ones she had made love to only hours prior, and Jacob immediately shut up seeing the transformation on her face even though she wouldn't make eye contact with him. He noticed her hands in her lap, clenched tightly together and her locked jaw. She was desperately trying to keep her cool, but he knew her too well.
"Hit me, yell at me, something-"
"It doesn't matter," Leah said suddenly, finally meeting his eyes. He could see the hurt in them, but she was trying to keep it out of her voice.
"Of course it matters, Leah, I care about you, I mean that-"
"Just like Sam does, huh? Overcast by an imprint. Irrelevant. I told you, Jake, I don't want to do this. It's my fault for letting myself get this far in knowing the outcome. I'm so… angry, but it's directed at myself, not you, so I really would rather you walk away right now before I take it out on you because I know it's not your fault. This time, it's mine for deluding myself into thinking that we were different."
It's not your fault.
The words surprised Jacob. It wasn't Sam's either, when he left her, but she blamed him and Emily so much for so long – and now he was getting off with it? She knew what to expect with him, he thought idly. This wasn't a surprise. But, boy, he was about to surprise her.
"I want to be with you. I know I shouldn't tell you that, and I know I'm complicated, and that this situation isn't easy, but I came here to give you the decision tonight. My imprint is different. I care about her, the imprint doesn't allow me not to, but it does not affect how much I care about you. The balls in your court, Clearwater."
She got up and went to face him, placing her hand on the railing beside him. A part of her wanted to jump for joy – he was picking her, but her jealousy reared its head and she kept seeing him kissing Renesmee rolling around in her mental images. Although he was telling her exactly what she wanted to hear, the words were tainted. She willed Sam to pick her so many times, but now faced with what she had wanted, coming from another man who she was in love with, she could see the truth: she didn't want to be an option. She wanted to be everything; the way Jeremy had treated her. The only woman. "Do you love her?"
Jacob looked in her chocolate pools and gulped. Transparency would be the only way to make this work if it was going to. "In a different way than I love you; like a protector. I'll never not worry about her safety and if she's happy – that's the imprint, but I love you, too."
"Do you kiss everyone you feel like you should protect?"
He faltered and took a deep breath, "It just happened, I'm sorry."
Leah looked away. Her heart wanted to throw herself into his arms and kiss him – but her head and her pride won the inner battle. She met his eyes again and forced her next words, "I'm not second-best, Jake. Maybe in your pack, I agreed to that, but I won't agree with this. You promised you'd never treat me like that, so the answer is no. Please go home." She turned on her heel before going back inside.
She brushed everyone off with statements of her being okay until Jacob did leave and she walked home.
"Leah?" Her mom came out of the kitchen as she got home. She felt numb; tired and drained.
"Yeah?"
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, fine, what're you doing here?"
Sue studied her before sighing, "Charlie and I were hoping to have a family dinner with you guys in the next couple of weeks. I wanted to come by and ask-"
"Sounds good," she said easily. "I'm really tired, though, so night, mom."
"Goodnight, Leah."
/ I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season! :)
Reviews/opinions/ideas, as always, are welcome and appreciated!
~ Becca