Important Note, please read: This one mentions attempted sexual assault and attempted rape. If this is a trigger for you I recommend skipping the end of the chapter after Billana goes to see Fili and Kili, I'll sum up what happens in the end notes (nothing to do with our boys, they are everything wonderful and awkward about the whole thing)
"You would have us take a child into a dragon's den?" Throin almost roars and Billana flinches.
"Billana is not a child," Gandalf declares into the sudden silence and she shifts as all eyes turn on her. Fili and Kili, especially, look uncomfortable with the direction this conversation is taking.
"Nor is she yet of age," Elrond replies, "and she will not be, as hobbits reckon it, until the end of September, something I am well aware of as I helped her mother bring her into the world."
"If her own people do not care that she is not of age," Gandalf points out, "then what can it be to you? Belladonna declared me Billana's guardian in the event of her mother's death and I have given my blessing for her to be involved."
"Then your judgement is flawed," Elrond responds coolly.
Billana, unable to listen to their argument any longer, gets to her feet. For a minute she considers fleeing. She hates being the focus of attention, especially as the results of that have so often been negative, and she has suffered enough humiliation as a result of her own ignorance this evening. The three males are discussing her future, however, and she is certain that none of them possess all of the facts though Gandalf will be aware of more details than Elrond or Thorin. She summons her courage and makes her way over.
"Billana, my dear," Gandalf says when he sees her approach.
"Don't you 'my dear' me!" She cries, shaking and near tears but determined to stand up for herself even though she fears what may happen as a result of it now as much as she has in the past. The dwarves, at least, will hopefully respect her more for it. "You gave me to understand that Thorin was aware of my age."
"I most certainly was not," Thorin snarls. "I am neither my father, nor my grandfather, I will not permit children to die for my battles."
"You are assuming I will die," she snaps. "You're also assuming I would have survived much longer in the Shire in any case." She huffs. "I am not like other hobbits and the fact is they barely tolerate my existence. If I were to run into any sort of difficulty I would be truly alone, especially once my grandfather passes. As it happens, I have found more acceptance and care among your Company than I have among my own people." Thorin's face softens slightly. "I would have been forced to leave eventually anyway; this way is better."
"I speak only out of concern," he tells her, though there is a coldness to his tone that makes her want to shrink away and hide. "I am not happy about the deception, but the fault for that does not lie with you, I am aware of that." She bobs in acknowledgement.
"I, too, speak only due to my own concerns, Mistress Baggins," Elrond agrees. She stares at him, feeling years of anger and resentment bubble to the surface.
"You'll forgive me, my lord," she says, "for finding that a little hard to believe. Your sons have visited regularly and have told you many stories I am sure. I have not once hidden the reality of my circumstances from them. They have never extended an invitation to me, in your name or otherwise, to return to Rivendell with them and remain here. Such an invitation has already been made to me by the dwarves, though I don't yet know if it has Thorin's blessing." She regrets the words almost as soon as she says them, aware that they will have placed Thorin in an uncomfortable position.
"Kili?" He asks, his expression more gentle than she had expected. She nods, her cheeks heating slightly. "He has every reason to think well of you. As do I. Should we succeed you will be welcome among us."
He turns to look at Elrond and she sees the smug gleam in his eyes. She may have backed him into a corner, but it has given him the victory of being able to offer her that which one who claims to have known her since her birth, and who says he is concerned for her wellbeing, has neglected to. Any sort of victory over an elf, she knows, is of significance to Thorin. She looks at Elrond, fear filling her at the thought that she might have offended him. He is gazing at her, however, with something that might be sorrow in his ancient eyes.
"You are correct," he replies. "I made the assumption that if your circumstances were truly dire my sons would have simply removed you from your home for your own sake. They were doing you the courtesy of giving you a choice, and accounting for your hobbit sensitivities," that she would have been raised to never arrive without an invitation. "I should have extended the invitation and should Thorin decide that you should not continue with his Company you would be most welcome here."
"Your offer is charitable," Thorin sneers, "but Billana will continue as one of us, should she wish to, provided certain conditions are met." He waves a hand. "A matter of four months is not so dire as years."
"What sort of conditions?" She asks, almost fearful of what the answer will be.
"Only that Gandalf name a guardian in his stead should he decide to vanish again," Thorin's reply is mild, but the dig is obvious, "and that your contract be co-signed by both of them."
She almost expected there to be more to the matter than that and she wonders if this is another game designed to show up the elves. Her courage, however, is spent and she has nothing left to give to the discussion. Nor does she desire to be the centre of attention any longer. She gives them a stiff bow and excuses herself, something they accept graciously. She will never say it, but Billana is proud of the fact that she doesn't start running until she is out of sight of the dining hall.
Her room, fortunately, is easy enough to find, having a good sense of direction has always been a necessity among the rambling lanes and roads of the Shire. Once there she slips out of the fine dress as quickly as she can, hanging it over the back of a chair and setting the fine hair clips on the dresser. Then she crawls into her bed, surprised by how exhausted she feels, and falls quickly asleep.
Dreams plague her. Dreams of her past and the secrets about it she keeps from everyone except Gandalf. Dreams of the future when even her friends might one day look at her in disgust. The fear that they might turn from her wakes her. It is dark outside, the room lit only by a sliver of moonlight. She is alone and cold, and she desperately misses the noise and warmth of her friends. She debates, for a moment, the wisdom of changing form and going to them. Her room is too high for any animals to reach her here and keep her company as they usually would, and she isn't sure that Elrond would tolerate that on top of her performance at dinner. She lies there for a short time, aware that only Fili and Kili know of her ability to shape shift and equally as aware that of all of the dwarves she has the least to prove to them.
Besides, what Thorin doesn't know won't change his opinion of her and she needs her friends more than she needs Thorin's approval right now. She debates going to the twins, but she has no idea where they might be in this sprawling settlement and doesn't want to spend most of the night searching.
Since Fili and Kili know her as a cat, that is the form she takes. Once she finds the right path she is able to smell the dwarves clearly and she trots through the corridors as quickly as her paws will allow. Surprisingly, when she does find them, the dwarves are not piled in one or two of the rooms they have been given and it takes her a moment longer than she would like to find the right room. She briefly considers the possibility that Thorin will be in with Fili and Kili, then decides that she simply doesn't care and nudges the door, which has been left ajar, open. She pushes her way in quietly and flinches when she hears the door close behind her.
"I had a feeling you would show up," Fili says from the bed. Both of the princes are sat up looking at her, dressed for bed though there is no sign that they have slept even though the must be as exhausted as she is. He tosses a shirt to her. "We won't look," he assures her before nudging his brother.
Kili huffs and, somewhat dramatically, flops back to pull a pillow over his face. She can hear him grumbling into it as she changes back, something about having seen it all before and she clamps down on the blush that threatens. The time for being embarrassed about the past is done and he will always tease her about it if she keeps letting it get to her.
"I'm done," she says after a moment. The shirt she has been given is one of Fili's and it makes her feel like a child playing dress up as she rolls the sleeves so that she has use of her hands. Judging by their amused grins, her friends have had similar thoughts.
"Up you come, Pretty Kitten," Fili says as they both lean over to help her.
"How did you know I'd come?" She asks once she has clambered onto the bed.
"Even Thorin realised dinner must have been difficult for you," Kili shrugs. "Gandalf had no business keeping your age from us."
"Thorin wouldn't even have considered taking me if he knew," she shakes her head. "He as good as said it. The only reason he's agreed to keep me on is because he doesn't want to give Elrond the satisfaction of having me stay here." They exchange looks.
"Billana," Fili's expression is so concerned that she knows instantly what he is going to ask about and dread fills her. "What did you mean when you told Thorin that you didn't think you would survive the Shire?" She bows her head and sighs, this is not part of her past that she wants to disclose and yet, now that he has asked, she finds she needs to answer.
"It happened after my mother died," she whispers. "Before that no one wanted to anger her because even though she had made the poor decision to keep me she was the best healer In the Shire. We have a complicated set of social rules," she explains. "I suppose if a pair of dwarves fall out, they trade a few blows and go on with their lives?" Kili nods. "It isn't like that at home. We use words. Believe it or not the things that Camellia said to me the day we left weren't the worst she's ever said to me, or about me. Hobbits aren't, as a rule, physically violent, not when a well-turned insult can hurt for longer and do a lot more damage over weeks." She falls silent, her hands finding the hem of the shirt she's wearing. Fili touches her arm, the lightest brush but it causes her to flinch away from him almost violently. The confusion on his face makes her start talking again. "After my mother and Bungo died I woke one night to find Camellia had drugged me, let a male hobbit into my room and tied my hands to my bed."
"She did what?" Kili hisses, his voice tightly controlled. Beside him Fili has gone rigid, his face blank but his eyes are dark with fury.
"Nothing happened," she assures them, "a mouse had bitten me on the ankle to wake me and I turned into one and escaped. Then I turned into an owl and flew to my grandfather in the Great Smial to ask for help. He was furious and made sure that I received my inheritance but that was all that he could do. The damage had been done by Camellia's actions, and I don't know if she had planned for it to go further or not, what little reputation I had was in tatters and the rumours won't go away. Every now and then a hobbit, or a group of them, will come and offer me money for the same service. Most go away as soon as I refuse, some take a bit more persuading."
Fili puts his head in his hands.
"So, at dinner-" he says and doesn't need to say more.
"I was mortified," she replies. "I would have run right then if the elves hadn't been laying out dinner."
"And the Shire?" Kili asks.
"They would have driven me out in the end," she whispers, "my magic and lack of father would have been enough without the other rumours about what Camellia tried to turn me into. Or one day someone would have refused to take no for an answer and would have been too aware of my methods of escape for me to get away. The only times I was safe were when Elladan and Elrohir were around."
"Why not leave?" Kili demands.
"Where would I have gone?" She chokes back a sob. "Here? Where Elrond only thought to claim I would have been welcome after I shamed him into it? The Shire was the only home I had ever known. I didn't have any other options."
"Until you met us," Fili concludes, but she can see his understanding of why she was so hesitant to go with them and to take the charm he had offered her dawning in his eyes.
She nods and this time when he touches her, she sinks against him. His arms come around her, squeezing in support as she finally allows herself to release the tears she has been holding back. Kili shifts to her other side, taking one of her hands and holding it tightly enough to hurt although he seems at a loss for what to do otherwise. They whisper to her, words she knows and others she doesn't have a chance of understanding until she calms.
"Thorin was almost beside himself with glee when we got back from dinner," Kili tells her, obviously wanting to take her mind off the reason for her tears.
"I thought he would have been embarrassed or angry," she whispers, her face still buried in Fili's chest and her nose filled with the comfort of his scent, even if it is dulled because she is a hobbit.
"No, it was definitely glee," Kili grins. "You managed to give our host the kind of set down Thorin could only dream of, with good enough reason to not get us all thrown out." She yawns and his brightness, even though she could see it was forced, dims. There is a fondness in his dark eyes, however, that fills her with warmth. "Go to sleep," he whispers, "we'll look after you." There is a deeper promise there, she thinks, something she will need to ask about another time.
She should go, she thinks, but she's warm and safe here. She has nothing at all to fear from them, nor any of the others. Besides, she can hardly keep her eyes open as the last two days, and her discussion with the princes, catch up to her.
As she dozes off, she hears them talking softly.
"You were right, Kili," Fili whispers, "she's never going back there. I'll burn the whole Mahal damned place to the ground before that happens."
Sleep claims her before she hears Kili's reply.
AN: If you skipped it; Billana tells Fili and Kili that after her mother died Camellia drugged her and tried to sell her to another hobbit. She has no idea if it was meant to succeed or just destroy her reputation and ability to live in the Shire, only that she woke up before anything could happen, turned into a mouse and escaped. Over the years following others have approached her expecting her to accept money for services and sometimes they don't take no for an answer, forcing her to change form and flee. She feared that one day her methods of keeping herself safe wouldn't work anymore. Fili and Kili are incensed but offer her friendship, comfort and protection, if awkwardly.
Also, Thorin apparently still has issues with how young so many of their soldiers were when they tried to reclaim Khazad-dum.
I need chocolate and a hug. I'm going to leave Billana in her safe (because I've lost track of how many times her thought process involves how safe those two doofuses make her feel) FIli and Kili cuddle pile.