Author's note: As Bucky gains more concept of self, the realization of what he's done will be a bitter pill to swallow and his mind will snap him back into conditioned compliance when he feels overwhelmed. Breaking through his programing with recovered memories and the feelings that go with them is going to trigger him and we will see regression. Recover is not a straight line, set backs to be expected but heart breaking none the less.
Steve was quietly sketching as he sat in the reclining chair next to Bucky's hospital bed in the main room of the medical suite. His eyes were still puffy red from the tears he shed earlier that morning after watching the videos sent to SHEILD by Rumlow. The Captain had felt like he was drowning in guilt, anger and despair all underlined with a nervous anxiousness that Stark might decide not to offer any more help and he would have to take Bucky and leave, stuck with a broken metal arm and no resources. Steve had torn through a few new punching bags and then taken a very long shower before going to check on Bucky who was still sedated. Bruce had reassured the Captain that the detox was working and he was in stable condition while Sam insisted on dragging him out of the tower to get some fresh air and a late lunch.
It was almost 6 pm when Dr. Banner had taken Bucky off the sedatives and detox IV, keeping him on pain killers only to combat the soreness cased by the metal arm, his shoulder still inflamed, skin hot and red. Steve looked up from his sketch book when Bucky's flesh hand rose toward him off the bed along with a horse mumble. "Steve?"
"Hey pal,…" The Captain smiled at Bucky, taking his hand and leaning forward as he set aside the book and stroked hair from his friend's face, Blue-gray eyes blinking open heavily, half lidded. Bucky stared up at his Steve with a small pout as he studied the man who was smiling beneath worried eyes.
"How are you feeling Buck?" Steve asked gently rubbing Bucky's knuckles with his thumb. Bucky opened his mouth to respond before shutting it as he considered the question.
"I feel,… Heavy,…below functional status,… and …. I feel… concerned?" He asked with an expression of uncertainty.
"Concerned?... What are you concerned about Bucky?" Steve asked as he found his own expression mirroring the recovering man.
"Your face,… You have been crying Steve,…. You are upset… I do not like when you are upset,… I want you to be happy." Bucky explained, and Steve felt his lips curl back into a smile as he recognized Bucky was making a deliberate effort to use the phrases and words that expressed preference as Sam and the Psychiatric team had been couching him to do. The words like, and want were new to his vocabulary but he had been using them as often as he could when the programing was not keeping him silent and submissive.
"Yea,… I was crying earlier but I am ok now,…I'm concerned about you Bucky…. I will be happy as soon as you feel better and the metal arm isn't hurting you anymore." Steve offered as he continued to stroke Bucky's face. The Former Asset nodded his comprehension and closed his eyes briefly as he leaned into Steve's touch and let out a sigh before opening them again with an unspoken question, gaze seeking permission to speak.
"What is it Buck?...What do you want to say?" Steve patiently couched.
"I knew Stark?... During the War?... He made your shield?" Each phrase was spoken as a question, a puzzled expression on his face. Steve felt his gut twist and his eyes blinked as he sighed heavily. He considered calling Sam to come help, unsure what to say and how to say it. He rubbed his face and then looked back down at Bucky who was regarding him warily, watching his Steve's reaction with caution.
"You knew his father,…. Howard Stark. He was part of the Strategic Scientific Reserve during the war and he helped the Howling Commandos by building us combat gear and weapons for our missions. He made my shield and made my uniform better armored and he made you a combat jacket that was navy blue, your favorite color,… and customized a special rifle for you." Steve explained with a smile beneath strained eyes. Bucky narrowed his own gaze in thought as he nodded before he looked away with a pensive frown.
"He was young,… but,… I remember him with white hair,… I,..." Bucky paused and his eyes grew big as he jerked his head toward Steve with an alarmed expression. Steve swallowed as he recognized the dawning look of distress on his friend's face, griped by the realization of what he had done. Bucky's mouth fell open and he let out a deflated breath before he closed his eyes and dropped his head heavy onto the pillow.
"Hey Bucky,… It's okay,… I think I know what you remembered, and Hydra is the one to blame,... For everything Bucky... You had no choice." Steve tried to reassure but didn't want to give away more then what his friend might have remembered about his fatal mission that ended the lives of Tony's parents. Bucky's eyes remained squeezed shut and he let out a strangled sigh as he spoke with a soft whisper.
"I killed him Steve,… I killed Howard Stark,….. and,... and his wife…" His eyes opened as he turned to look at his Steve with remorse and shame but also dread. "I killed the parents of The Avenger's Technician!" His breath was slightly escalated and he bit his lip, looking nervous, his flesh hand becoming a fist as he gripped the bed sheets.
"It wasn't your fault Bucky,… Hydra made you do that,… they forced you to kill and hurt people." Steve tried to reassure him but felt his own voice grow tight. Bucky blinked and looked away, staring up at the celling with his eyes moving back and forth as he tried to consider what this realization would mean. His heartbeat was increasing but his breaths remained even only faster.
"Bucky,… It's going to be okay,… alright?... Everything is going to be fine…." Steve tried to console his anxious friend who started shaking his head back and forth before turning his anguished gaze back to the Captain.
"How?... How can anything be ok?... I killed them,… Howard was my friend,… Howard Stark… I remember him Steve,…and He,… oh God,… He recognized me!... He said Sergeant Barnes!...He said my name and I couldn't,… I didn't stop,… I killed them both!...I…." Steve was once again gripped by the intensity of having his friend back, of having the real Bucky Barnes, Brooklyn accent and all pierce through the Soldier's programing and it felt like a dagger in his heart as he watched him break free only to break apart in the process. Steve stared back at Bucky with an open mouth that had no words. He reached forward toward his friend with a broken voice.
"Bucky…" His effort was knocked away as Bucky used his flesh hand to shove Steve back as he let out a frustrated and shattered cry.
"NO!... No Steve,… it's not fine,… Its not going to be okay,… Everything is destroyed,…. Everything we fought for,… The War,… all of it,… it didn't matter,… nothing we did mattered,… Hydra controls everything,… Hydra will always win,….." Bucky's tone started off an angry growl but was becoming a panicked sob, eyes frantic as he shook, flesh hand coming up to pull at his hair as he looked around the room wildly.
"Bucky,… Hey,… no, no… Calm down." Steve tried to reach for him again and stop his hand from tugging on his hair but Bucky shoved him away again, gripped in a panic attack that triggered more flash backs as he curled in on himself and rocked, words stuttered between gasps as he violently pulled on his hair, eyes squeezing shut.
"Hydra is everywhere,… Hydra sees everything,... Cut off one head… two more take its place,…. There is no escape from Hydra,…" His words were gasped as he squeezed his eyes tight.
Bruce entered the medical suite with two more doctors as Steve hovered over Bucky's curled form, the heart rate monitor beeping rapidly. Steve looked up with a desperate expression, eyes begging for help and mouth still open but without words.
"Hydra will prevail,… Hydra will provide control,… Order through Pain,… Compliance will be rewarded,… Compliance is the only way,… I must Comply,… I will comply!" Bucky was shaking hard as he choked out the broken words that were the foundational bricks of Hydra's programing. Bruce was already injecting the anti-psychotic sedative into the IV that was still attached to Bucky's flesh arm, giving Steve a steady, reassuring nod as the Captain hesitantly placed his hand on his friends shoulder.
"Bucky,…. Buck..?" Steve's voice sounded strained to his own ears as he watched the man he loved suffer through a psychotic break, brought on by a panic attack because Bucky Barnes could not handle the reality of what he had done as the Winter Soldier. Steve shook his head as he rubbed circles into his friends back as he felt the tense, shaking muscles slowly ease under his palm.
"Compliance will be rewarded,… Hydra will provide control,... Hydra will ensure order…" Bucky's words were becoming slurred, and the grip on his hair loosened until his hand fell back in his lap and he slumped sideways against Steve with a low wine of distress, no resistance left as the sedative took hold. The Captain wrapped his arms around his confused and mentally unstable friend.
"I will Comply,… I am ready to Comply… Order through pain." The last of his words ended with a broken sob as Steve's gaze looked up in a fretful expression with Bruce as they listened to Bucky's mumbled mantra, wheezed out as his breathing slowed until he was finally unconscious. With a heavy heart Steve lowered Bucky's limp form back down into the bed, tucking him in and stroking his hair back as he swallowed down his own grief. Steve fell heavily into the chair as he rubbed his face, jaw locked as he tried to focus on his own breathing and not let himself become discouraged despite the nauseating feeling that for every one step forward, Hydra's tentacles where dragging Bucky two steps back, and his friend was suffocating from their choking grip.
….
Steve woke up with a sudden gasp, blinking into the dark room as he quickly laid eyes on Bucky's slumbering form, appearing almost peaceful. Steve was shaking slightly as he rubbed his eyes, still reeling from a half remembered dream of watching Bucky, laughing as he danced with different girls around a crowded dance hall. The music was fast and Steve had felt his chest squeeze like an asthma attack as he saw fleeting glimpses of darkness flittering through the unknown patrons of the dance hall who's faces began to look familiar, friends and foe from his life before and now in the 21st century. He was looking for Bucky, he knew he had to warn him, had to find him before,… before The Winter Soldier appeared, blue eyes blazing with intensity over his muzzled face. Everything slowed down as The Soldier drew a knife, grabbing Bucky's hair as he slit his throat slowly. Steve was frozen in place, unable to move as both sets of gray-blue eyes were looking at him with the same lost and painfilled gaze that so often lived within his tormented friend's expression now.
Steve let out a quivered breath and rubbed his eyes as he tried to calm his racing heart as fragments of the dream dissipated. He took three long breaths before realizing they were not alone in the room.
The Captain jerked his head toward the doorway where a figure stood in shadow, leaning against the frame with a drink in hand. Steve swallowed as he watched Tony lift his drink in a mock cheers before taking a few steps into the room, the blue light from the medical equipment casting an eerie glow that gave him a harsh, aged look, his features drawn and pensive.
"Nightmares,… there like panic attacks on acid,…" Tony huffed as he continued into the room, eyes moving from Steve over to Bucky as his jaw clenched.
Steve watched in tense silence as Tony turned away and moved slowly toward a rolling chair that he awkwardly dragged with one hand back toward the opposite side of Bucky's bed, sitting across from Steve with the unconscious man between them. Stark let out a heavy sigh before he through back the rest of his drink and then clumsily set it on the bedside table before turning his attention back toward Bucky, eyes dark and troubled, mouth twisted in a frown. Steve stared at Tony with an uncertain expression and then back down at his friend, unsure what to do or say. Steve felt a crushing weight as he realized he had been fighting against a crippling helpless paralysis since first laying eyes on Bucky back in DC when his mask had fallen off and the horrible truth was revealed. Steve had relied on his own mask as Captain America to help him soldier through and keep fighting, but now, after the dust had settled and the reality was here, laid out Infront of him, he felt just as useless to help his friend recover now as he did that dreadful day when he failed to reach Bucky and watched helpless as the man he loved fell screaming into the cold, racing wind.
"I use to dream about the car crash,… and for a while after,… I would get drunk and drive down that road,… go as fast as I could,… Just to see if,… To try and understand how,… Why,…" Tony shook his head as he wiped his own face, eyes settling again on Bucky as he shook his head. Steve remained silent as he waited to hear what Stark was going to say, what decision he had come to after being gone less then 24 hours.
"It doesn't matter,…." He chuckled darkly as he shook his head and sat back in the chair. "I was a shit show,… and Obadiah just kept on bailing me out of one stupid mistake after another,… Sending me off to fancy rehabs in the Caribbean or the Alpes and paying the papers to report that I was working on collaborative projects with ally countries… I mean I was,… sort of,… It's like whenever I was sober I was so depressed and racked with guilt I couldn't create,…" Stark looked up at Steve who met his gaze with a patient, steady look. "You have no idea what that's like,… Being a God damn genius who couldn't come up with,… couldn't even think enough to,…" He fluttered his hand in the air as if the words were lost but visible and obvious. He shook his head again and his eyes narrowed. "Obadiah would get a Doctor to prescribe me a fist full of pills until I couldn't shut my mind off, until all I could do was stay locked up in a lab for days at a time building, engineering,… Making weapons that could kill everything and everyone…. And then I would escape!... Run off and get hammered and do anything and everything in a manic binge until I finally crashed again and I would wake up in some new rehab for a few weeks before he would bring me back home and get me back to work again…." Stark sneered as he shook his head.
"It was Happy and Rodey who caught on to the Doctor,… and how the prescriptions were fueling my mania, not helping me deal with the depression. Obadiah acted like he had no idea,… said he ruined the guys career and he could never practice Psychiatry again,... found out later that he paid the guy off and the slime ball has three different houses and a yacht, not too concerned with having his professional license revoked."
Stark sighed again as he shrugged before looking at Steve with a sad smirk.
"I don't even know why I am telling you all this Spangles,… maybe because I don't know what kind of asshole I would be if I didn't have friends out their trying to save me from myself… Happy is the one who hired Pepper,… or,… I mean he's not like,… her boss or anything,… but he told me about her when Obedy was doing interviews and I trusted him,... I knew if he thought she would be good for me then that's all that I needed to know. I lived life like that for most of my adulthood,… Just letting other people tell me were I was and what I was supposed to be doing and then never worrying about being responsible for my mistakes because other people would handle it….." Stark huffed another laugh before he looked back down at Bucky, face getting more serious.
"I have somethings in common with Barnes,… more then I'd like to think about,… and I know what it's like to get eaten up with guilt,... To feel responsible for death and knowing that ignorance or lack of choice doesn't take away the grief or the self-hatred... I know,…." Tony looked up at Steve and sat forward. "I know that my father respected Sergeat Barnes,… That if he were alive today,… And knew what Zola had done,…. What my father had allowed Zola to do under his supervision..." Tony rubbed his temples and shrugged again before he looked at Bucky. There was a long stretch of silence and then Steve spoke, the words soft and earnest.
"I'm sorry Tony." Steve's heartfelt expression was met with Stark's dark, troubled eyes and he nodded simply.
"Yea,… me too Cap." Tony stood up and walked unsteadily toward the door, pausing as he heard Steve's hesitant words.
"We can be gone in the Morning,… if,… If you need us to leave…." Steve's voice sounded small to his own ears and Stark did not turn to face him as he leaned heavily against the door frame.
"No offense Rodgers,... but you have nowhere else to go,… And we have a team of Doctors who specialize in advance robotic prosthetics meeting here for a consultation lunch with Bruce's team and yours truly... Your welcomed to join but I am pretty sure the conversation will be over your head." Tony turned back and gave Steve a small smile beneath narrow eyes.
"I'm still working on the prototype for the new arm,…that is,… if you trust me?" The tone was casual, but the question was genuine and Steve nodded with a serious look.
"Thank You Tony,… for everything." The Captain spoke with sincerity and Stark hummed with a nod and a halfhearted salute before he turned and walked away, leaving Steve alone with his thoughts to watch over Bucky.
End Note: Short little in between chapter. I hope you like the back story of how Tony spent his early twenties not dealing with the loss of his parents.