Disclaimer: I am not a Doctor or medical healthcare professional. Although I have tried to research medical terms, they may not be one hundred percent accurate.

Chapter 15: Return to Proculus

It had been two day's since his angry outburst at Teyla and Ronan, and they hadn't been into see him since. He still didn't have any feeling in his hands and Carson had performed some initial tests, which were inconclusive at this stage. He was actually beginning to feel a little better and his pain meds had been reduced, which meant his pain levels were up a bit and he slept less. That was a problem, because he was beginning to become bored especially with no-one around to talk too.

He was lying in bed mulling over his thoughts when *Dr Robinson walked into the room with a bowl of oatmeal and a glass of juice.

"Good morning Colonel Sheppard, I've brought you some breakfast and then after you've eaten I think it's time we had a little chat."

He glared at her for two reasons; firstly there was no way that he was ever going to talk to her and secondly how the hell was he supposed to eat. He'd had a feeding tube in since he had been back on Atlantis and Carson had only just taken it out, now he was expected to eat. "Very funny Doctor, just how am I supposed to eat that?"

"Well I can help you eat, or one of the nurses can help you. Carson believes that you should gain enough control in your hands to eat by yourself eventually."

"Oh gee, that makes me feel so much better." He answered his voice dripping with sarcasm.

He sat and watched in horror, as she held up a spoon full of oatmeal to his mouth. Looking at her he did his best to keep control. "I don't think so, if someone has to feed me, call one of the nurses and then leave, because I don't think I want to talk to you today, or any other day for that matter."

That got the desired result; she turned and left leaving the mushy gluggy oatmeal on the tray table.

Sighing he used his forearms to push it away, I can get by without eating for a bit longer he thought closing his eyes and willing sleep to come, but he wasn't that lucky, as Carson came in a few minutes later with a nurse in tow.

"Sally will help you eat your oatmeal and then afterwards I would like to have a word with you." He said trying to sound firm.

"Great, why is it that everyone wants to talk," he mumbled.

He watched as Carson left the room and Sally sat down next to him, she picked up the spoon and began to feed him. It was one of the most embarrassing experiences of his life. What if it's like this forever? What if I can't feed myself ever again? Then he remembered a time when he and Nancy were dating. He was sick with the flu and couldn't get out of bed for over a week. Nancy had lovingly fed him the chicken broth she had made. The memory faded and he came back to reality and he felt embarrassed all over again.

It didn't take Sally long to finish feeding him. Once she had finished he closed his eyes and tried to stop the tears which were brimming there from flowing. This was his worst nightmare coming true, being paralysed in his hands meant that he would never be able to fly again. How would he cope if he could never use his hands again? His thoughts were interrupted by Carson entering the room.

"You are going to have to talk about this eventually Colonel." Carson suggested in a gentle voice.

"Why Carson, what difference will it make, I'll probably never be able to use my hands again."

"I have been analysing the results of the initial tests I performed and I guess it's time to tell you exactly what to expect, the Ulnar nerve in your hands has been severed, which means unless we can find a way to repair it surgically you will never regain movement in your pinky and ring fingers. The other nerves in your hand and wrist are only damaged and they can heal with some rest and physical therapy later on. I am one hundred percent sure now that you will gain some movement in your hands."

"It still makes no difference Carson, I won't be able to fly again, which means I will have no place in the air force and therefore no place on Atlantis, so I'd really appreciate it if you left me alone to deal with it in my own way. I won't be talking to you or Dr Robinson about it." He kept his tears in check while Carson was there, but once Carson had left he let the tears flow.

He knew he had to get a grip soon, or Carson would make him talk to the shrink, before he released him from the infirmary, or worse still he would make him take anti-depressants. That would make his chances of staying on Atlantis even worse and he had to stay on Atlantis, this was his home and his family was here. He also knew that sometime in the near future he would have to apologise to Ronan and Teyla. Ronan was more like his brother his brother than his real brother Dave was and he really did love Teyla. He wanted the opportunity to explore a relationship with Teyla if she was still willing to have him.

Mulling these thoughts over in his head he fell into a deep sleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Teyla sat foot on Proculus for the second time in two days. This time Lorne was the only one who had accompanied her and the only reason he came was that she needed someone to fly the jumper.

The day was sunny and warm and she could feel a slight breeze on her face, as she stepped out of the jumper. She had come to speak to Chaya about healing John. She knew that this was John's only chance of gaining full mobility to his hands.

Entering the monastery she saw that it was as deserted as the day before, so she looked around the place, before calling for Chaya, "Chaya it is Teyla Emmagan and I wish to speak to you again."

"What is it you wish to talk to me about this time Teyla?" She asked appearing out of nowhere.

"I wish to speak to you about John."

"I have already told you where we stand on healing him Teyla."

"Have you considered that he is a descendant of the ancients who went to earth, therefore he has ancient blood flowing through his veins, which makes him one of your own? It is also the ancients doing, that has left him in this predicament in the first place. The ascended Wraith wanted revenge on an ancient and John was the closest thing that they could find."

"Not all of the ascended were happy that some of our kind went back to earth and mingled with the local population. They were not happy to have our genes diluted."

Teyla took a deep breath and told her exactly what she thought. "You know Chaya, I used to worship and revere the ancestors, but the more I learn of them the more I realise that they are a race of arrogant and condescending people, which are not as smart as they would like to think and although they have done some really wonderful things in this galaxy they have made some huge mistakes as well."

"I will speak with the others again in two days and I will tell them what you have said, but until then I suggest you go back to Atlantis and wait. Do not come here again." She said with cold indifference in her voice, something that she never expected considering Chaya had always seemed a warm friendly person.

Teyla watched as she turned her back and walked away. She sighed as she walked back to the jumper. I do not think we will get any help from her.

As she walked slowly back to the jumper, she mulled over what she was going to tell John. She knew that she needed to speak to him again, but she wasn't sure what kind of mood he would be in. The last time she had been to see him he had told her to leave and go and spend some time with her son. Maybe she would take Torren to see him this time. He wouldn't be able to shout at her if Torren was there, as he couldn't resist Torren.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

John was lying and staring at the ceiling yet again, that seemed to be all he did these days. He couldn't move his hands and he couldn't walk, so there wasn't really much he could do. He'd tried listening to music on the IPod that Zelenka had loaned him, but he only seemed to want to listen to depressing music, so that wasn't really much of a help.

There had been some good news throughout the day; he was beginning to get some feeling back in his thumb and index finger on the right hand, which didn't really make him feel much better, but it was a start.

He was just about the close his eyes when he heard someone enter the room. He knew straight away that it was Ronan, so he turned his head to him.

"Hey Chewie, whacha doing?" He asked with nonchalance.

"I've come to see how you are feeling. Are you feeling better or are you still acting like a baby."

John just glared at him. He was sick of the situation he was in and he certainly didn't like being called a baby all of the time, so he thought that it was time to let Ronan know how he really felt, "Ronan buddy, I'm good, but can you stop calling me baby. It's becoming a bit annoying."

Well that wasn't exactly how he felt, but he knew if he continued to have temper tantrums, he would have to speak to Robinson, before he was ever allowed to leave the infirmary.

"I'm glad you're feeling better Sheppard."

John knew that Ronan didn't buy it, but they were both terrible at expressing their emotions, so John would pretend to be okay and Ronan would pretend to believe him.

"Ronan I'm sorry about what I said to you the other day, I know what happened to me wasn't really your fault." John told him looking down at his feet.

"That's fine, we're good." Ronan told him looking down at the floor.

An awkward silence followed as neither of them looked at one another. They were saved from the silence a few minutes later when Teyla entered with Torren in her arms.

"Da!" Torren exclaimed holding his arms out for John to take him.

"John it is good to see you and Torren is happy to see you as well."

"I think I'll leave you two alone, catch you later Sheppard." Ronan told him, before leaving the room.

John watched as Ronan left the room. Once Ronan was gone he looked up at Teyla, he knew he had to say something to her now or he would probably never say what needed to be said. Clearing his throat he spoke in a whisper, "umm… Teyla umm… I wanted to say," he took a deep breath before continuing. "Umm… what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you the other day and umm… I…umm…love you too?"

There he'd said it and the world hadn't ended and Teyla was still sitting beside his bed, so at least he hadn't scared her away; not yet anyway.

"Da." Torren squealed before either of them had a chance to say anything.

"John would you mind if Torren lay next to you for a nap, he has really missed you over the last few days."

John nodded and Teyla laid Torren next to him. Within a minute the boy had placed his hand in his mouth and fallen asleep. Torrens head was resting on his chest, so he managed to put his arm around him to make sure he didn't fall of the bed.

"How are you hand's John?" He saw a look of concern in her eyes as she asked.

"Well I'm starting to get some feeling in my thumb and index finger, which is definitely a good sign. Doc says that the Median nerve and Radial nerve are just damaged and should heal well with rest and Physical therapy, but the ulnar nerve was severed, so unless he can come up with a way to repair the nerve surgically I will never regain use of my pinky or ring fingers. I may never feel hot or cold in those parts of my hands either."

John could only describe the look on Teyla's face as sympathy when she asked him the next question. "How do you feel about that John?"

"I honestly don't know, Carson says that eventually I should learn to do most things I used to be able to do with my hands again, but I don't think it will be good enough for the air force. I honestly don't know what that means for me long term."

"Have you spoken to General O'Neill or General Landry, as yet?"

"No Carson is waiting to see if anything can be done to fix the severed nerves, before Woolsey informs the air force."

Torren chose that moment to wake and he wanted to join in on the conversation, "Da, tum home?"

John's eyes grew wide, "why does he keep calling me Da?"

"You have spent more time with him since he was born than Kanaan ever did, so when we were watching a DVD with a Mom, Dad and son, he asked me are you his dad. I said yes, because I feel that you fulfilled that role admirably."

Before either of them had a chance to say anything more Jennifer came in carrying a bowl of soup, "Okay Colonel, who do you want to feed you?"

He felt totally embarrassed by the question, he certainly didn't want Teyla to feed him, but Jennifer feeding him didn't make him very happy either.

"I think I will take Torren and go. I will see you tomorrow John." She told him leaning down and kissing him on the cheek.

John smiled as she left the room and then turned to look at Jennifer and the bowl of broth she had for him. "Okay Doc feed me." He told her with a smirk on his face.

Things were looking up for him, he knew that Carson would not stop looking until he found a way to repair the nerves in his hands, his legs were beginning to heal and Teyla had admitted that she loved him. Torren was calling him Da and thing were okay with Ronan again, so for now he felt a little better.

TBC…

*Dr Robinson is the phycologist in the stargate legacy series of novels.