A/N: To anyone who doesn't follow my writing blog: I split this chapter into two because of the sheer length of the original version and because the story works better this way. So, the confession that everyone is desperately waiting for is postponed until the next chapter, while this chapter concentrates on another thing these two need to have a conversation about. Just, you know, bursting that bubble from the start so that you don't spend the entire chapter waiting for it. The good news is that this story will now have 17 chapters instead of the original 16 as a result! Now, carry on and have a good read :)

Husk was ushered to sit on the couch again after they were done eating. Alastor had – very deliberately, no doubt – not served anything alcoholic during or after the meal, which made him feel slightly off balance. But not as much as the next fucking bit.

Alastor sat down next to him, and Husk noted the very odd space between them. Typically there were two options for the distance between them: either Alastor was clingy and they were practically cuddling even if they weren't literally doing it, or there was enough space for Husk's wing on Alastor's side to rest however he wanted it to without it entering Alastor's personal bubble. But right now that space was off, with Alastor not touching him but sitting closer to him than usual when that was the case. If Husk unfolded his wing, it would inevitably touch Alastor's arm or side or both.

He didn't know what to think about that, so he settled on feeling on the edge and keeping his wings tightly folded.

"I believe there was an explanation you owed me", Alastor said after a moment of awkward silence.

No games this time, that much was for sure. He must be sick and tired of Husk's bullshit, which he honestly couldn't blame him for. Husk was sick and tired of his own bullshit.

Now, where the fuck should he even begin? He was not ready to have this conversation, but it was unavoidable for multiple reasons. Hell, it probably should have been had decades ago. Definitely should have been, actually.

He sighed, slouched forward, and gripped the edge of the couch between his knees with his claws; eyes on the floor and ears turned back. Fucking hell, even though he had already made his decision, he was still stalling as much as he could.

Time to stall a little bit more. Just in case things went pear-shaped. He wanted at least one thing resolved before potentially losing Alastor. He would get to the real fucking shit eventually, but first things first.

"This is going to be really fucking stupid", he muttered, not even sure if it was directed at Alastor or just to himself. Alastor hummed in response regardless, possibly in agreement. Damn it. "Okay, so… I could start from the beginning, but I'm gonna start with the more recent shit because it's more directly relevant to this situation."

He felt Alastor shift, probably to a more comfortable position. He certainly had the right idea, as this was gonna take a good fucking while. Too bad there was no way in hell that Husk would be able to be any definition of comfortable himself. What he wouldn't give for a bottle of fucking Jägermeister right then.

"I've been fucking miserable for months", he said, and stared at the floor in order to not look at Alastor. "I hate being at the hotel. I hate having a day job. I hate the fucking routine that's always the same, no matter my useless attempts to spice it up. I hate watching the same faces every day; watching everyone form closer connections with each other while I purposefully stay away from that shit because I don't want any more annoying fuckers in my life. But I still resent watching it because it makes me feel lonely and like I don't belong. I hate feeling lonely in the middle of a crowded fucking room. I hate having you around but not actually getting to spend any time with you. I hate watching you interact with the others while I'm right there, feeling fucking neglected and like I don't matter. I hate how I see you constantly but don't feel like I'm being seen in return. I've been so fucking lonely and depressed that it was only a matter of time before I spiraled."

The longer he talked, the deeper his claws dug into Alastor's couch, piercing the fabric easily and ripping it open wider. His shoulders hunched and his wings unfolded and rose to put a barrier between him and Alastor, or possibly just him and the world in general. He screwed his eyes shut in an attempt to calm down the turbulent emotions he couldn't even begin to name.

"And then you didn't check on me when I didn't return to the Hotel after my break", he said hollowly, feeling like his heart was being torn apart all over again just because he said aloud the words that had been tormenting him ever since the moment he realized Alastor wasn't coming for him. That feeling when all of his fears that had been building up in the hotel had seemingly been confirmed. That moment of depression enhanced certainty that even Alastor had stopped caring. "I didn't actually set that up as a fucking trap or a test on purpose, but it still happened and was the last fucking straw."

He really wished he was drunk. Thoroughly fucking wasted. He didn't want to actually deal with his emotions and problems. But at the same time he desperately wanted Alastor's presence and he wanted to fix everything between them and not have to feel like shit anymore. He wanted things to be better again, even if just for a moment. He was such a fucking mess.

He felt the couch shift, and then Alastor's hand gripped the wing between the two of them gently, and insistently moved it back and out of the way. Husk's eyes were still tightly closed so he didn't know what kind of an expression was directed at him, but he could see the red light of Alastor's eyes even through his eyelids.

"I took a day off", Alastor said, and fucking hell if that wasn't the icing on this disaster cake. So Alastor hadn't even been at the hotel? Hadn't been around to see it when Husk didn't return? "I've been working long days ever since we entered the hotel, and I finally felt that I would be gumming the works if I didn't take a proper break. I didn't want to take my day off at the same time as you, because I would have been too tempted to visit you and disrupt your people-free time, so I booked the next day. Had I been at the Hotel, I would have come for you as soon as it became obvious that you weren't returning."

That made Husk feel simultaneously better and worse. On one hand, he got his confirmation that Alastor was at least paying attention to his presence. Hell, may have even actively wanted it, but hadn't done anything about it – though Husk would be a huge hypocrite if he blamed the guy for that. On the other hand, now Husk's fucking drama felt even more pathetic than before. He had simply fucking assumed that Alastor hadn't noticed or cared that he was gone, when he should have known better after their decades of friendship. After the occasions where Alastor had glued himself to his side when they had been separated for too long. After everything they had been through together.

"I thought my presence cured your loneliness?" Alastor asked when Husk didn't say anything for too long. "It always has before. That's partially why I involved you with the hotel in the first place, as I knew I'd likely be too busy to do much else but run it. We see each other every morning now except on your days off. Seeing me daily or even multiple times a week used to be too much for you and left you joed. I thought that may have been one of the reasons you started taking breaks."

Husk opened his eyes in order to glare at Alastor's clueless fucking face. The jackass really thought that was enough? Thought that looking at him from afar was somehow the same thing as spending hours in his actual company?

"Obviously not this time", he growled, channeling his hurt into anger. "And why would it cure it? You may be around, but you're not actually present. Not to me anyway. When was the last time we talked for longer than five minutes? When we had fun together? Hell, even when we were miserable together?"

Alastor frowned in thought, his smile at its minimum. The longer Husk waited, the tighter said smile turned as Alastor struggled to find an acceptable answer but obviously couldn't.

"Why didn't you say something earlier?" Alastor asked once he realized any direct answer from him would only prove Husk's point. Motherfucker. "You could have sought me out yourself. You could have told me everything wasn't jake."

Good point. In theory. And one Husk had thought of himself and actually fucking tried without any results. Any good results anyway; his depression had certainly been fueled by the attempts.

"When? During your random fucking office hours? Should I have set up an appointment? Or should I magically stop being hung over in the morning when you drop by for all of two minutes in order to get an edgewise word in? Or maybe chase the other customers away when you appear at the bar for a drink?" he asked bitterly, and folded his wings tightly by his sides, forcing Alastor to let go. Alastor looked at the hand that was now hovering uselessly in the air, and then fisted it and moved it to his lap. Husk felt slightly guilty, and knew he was being a little unfair, so he sighed and continued his speech with a mutter of: "And you know I suck at asking for shit when it actually fucking matters. I tried. I tried multiple times, but there was always an interruption and you were gone again. Each attempt made you feel more distant to me, so I fucking stopped. I don't deal with my problems, I drink them away, and you know that."

There was a heavy silence between them while Alastor digested the words, and Husk tried his best to see Alastor's side of things. Now that he thought back to what had been said, he could read from between the lines that Alastor had missed him, too. His first thought when it came to having a day off had been to spend it with Husk. He had been aware of the distance between them, but had thought he had been doing Husk a favour by maintaining it. He honestly couldn't fault Alastor for the thought, given how things had worked for them in the past; it had always been Husk's need for space that had moderated Alastor's want to spend time with him, but over the decades they had found a compromise that worked. That is, until it no longer could in a new setting, and both of them had ended up flailing helplessly about it on their own ends.

They were both such fucking messes.

Husk huffed in mild amusement, and relaxed a little. The lonely, neglected feeling finally released its icy hold on his heart and made way for relief. No matter what came next, at least he had the knowledge that Alastor hadn't forgotten about him or cast him aside in favour of something more entertaining. That he hadn't been a particularly long bullshit project that had finally ran its course.

Alastor noticed the change in Husk's mood immediately, like always. His smile went back to its wide state, and he pulled Husk into his usual side-hug. Husk's heart skipped a beat at the gesture and… Oh, right… "Well now that you've brought your plight to my attention, we can fix it! So, my pal, what exactly is it that you want from me? I can certainly bump some unimportant fools from my schedule to make room for you."

Husk looked at the hand on his shoulder with a bittersweet smile. Oh, he was tempted as Hell to take the easy way here. He could simply list the things they had had before, and not disrupt the status quo that had worked for decades. Alastor would probably be willing to let him sweep the rest of his shit back under the carpet in order to instantly repair their relationship – Alastor had become quite adept at compromises where it mattered somewhere down the line.

But it would be yet another band-aid solution to an infected wound. That, and Husk wasn't sure if it would be enough for him anymore now that he had let his feelings take a proper hold and could barely look at Alastor without wanting to kiss him. Of course, if Alastor rejected him, then it would have to be enough, but if there was even the smallest chance…

He had promised Alastor a full explanation anyway, and had already made the decision to do this.

It was time to get a fucking grip and do this shit one more time. He had had the courage to do it multiple times back when he had been alive, so he could certainly man the hell up and do it now, too.

One more time.