September 23rd , Year 499
I had to fight Molly today. I would like to say that fighting her was just another round of sparring and that I didn't feel anything while doing it, but that would be a lie. In a way I did kind of let my anger over what she did to Christina drive me. I wasn't as brutal as she was, not even close, but I wasn't exactly nice. Though I suspect that's exactly what Eric and Four want out of us; they want us to be merciless and fierce, lacking in basic compassion for our fellow initiates and just fellow human beings in general. But that's not me, I can't just let go of my compassion. Angry at her as I was, I have no desire to hurt Molly in any serious way. It sucks to lose a fight, it's a blow to your pride and also just a lot of pain you'll have to deal with for days to come. I've won and lost a few fights, I know what it feels like to be on both ends. I've been fortunate that I haven't quite been beaten like Tris and Christina have, but I don't think that I could ever bring myself to hurt someone like that. I don't like Molly by any stretch of the imagination, but I won't make her suffer; she doesn't deserve that.
Even though it's been almost a month since I began my time here in Dauntless, I still haven't become more comfortable with the idea of fighting and knocking out my fellow initiates. I can appreciate learning to fight both as a useful skill and an integral part of Dauntless culture, but it just doesn't sit right with me. I know that Christina's right and it's really idealistic, but your faction is supposed to be your family. You devote everything you have and everything you are to this community of people because you share the same convictions that they do and in turn they take you in without judgements. Who you were ceases to matter, all that matters now is who you are now and who you can be. Honestly that's kind of what drew me here in some ways. No one here knows the person that I was and that means that I can be whoever I want. I don't have to be the perfect daughter or the perfect person. I don't have to do anything that I don't want to and in theory I could abandon all those dreams that I used to have and the pressure that I feel to live up to my family's name and just chase down adventure wherever that leads me. It's all up to me now and sometimes that terrifies me and sometimes it's the best thing that ever happened to me. If I wanted to, I could just not care about anything that I used to and let it all go. I could take faction before blood to heart and just disappear from my family. I would never do that, of course, I love them more than I can possibly say; more than factions, more than money or power, more than my own life. There is nothing in this world that I wouldn't do for them and that they wouldn't do for me. We're all stuck with each other, Minerva used to say, now and forever. Maybe that makes me a faction traitor; maybe that makes me the exact kind of dangerous that Maria warned me I was, but I honestly don't really care all that much. I'm always going to love my family, nothing could ever possibly take that from me. If that makes me some freak; than consider me the freakiest.
I don't really mean that. I think that there will always be a part of me that wants to fit here in Dauntless like all the others do, to just be another piece of the puzzle that falls into place. But there will always be parts of me that wonder what might have been too; with Casey and Mark in Amity, filled with nothing but carefree joy and far from any sort of violence or pain; back in Erudite with my parents, the twins, and all the people that we're they're tied to. I would have gone through initiation with Eliza and Kira and we would have helped each other survive; no matter how bad it got it would always be the three of us.
Maybe I'd be happy in either of those places and maybe I wouldn't; but I'm here, in Dauntless, and I can't change that. Maybe I don't even really want to, because if I hadn't come here than I never would have met Tris, or Al, or Will, or Christina, or Myra, or Edward. I would have never gotten to have them as my close friends and realize just how fast friendships can blossom when it feels like it's just you and them with your backs all up against the wall and your only choice is to help each other out. I would never have gotten to experience as it really is; loud, wild, and chaotic but ultimately so very beautiful. I might never have developed this beginning of a steel backbone or this person who thinks about all these opportunities that the me before transferring would never have even considered. We're all different people since jumping into that net, and I think that we become a little more different every day; less our parents' children and our birth factions' dependents, and more the people that we're meant to be.
I still don't believe in fate. 'Meant to be' is such a bullshit concept, nothing's ever really set in stone and I think that my presence here is proof of that. But I think that all of us have an idea of the person that we want to be, the Dauntless that we want to be, and as initiates we inch closer to that goal as we become more immersed in Dauntless living. As for who that person actually is, who I want to be; I just don't know. I kind of have a vague idea what I want to do with my life but I've yet to cement what sort of person I want to be aside from just someone who helps other people, someone who makes other people happy.
I–
I don't get to finish my sentence because Four sticks his head in and turns out the lights. When he's gone I slowly uncurl from the position I was in and tuck my journal beneath my mattress. I would still rather not have anyone else finding it, especially since it's something that I brought from Erudite, so I have to be sort of careful about when I take it out and put it away. It doesn't have any sort of identifying marks, it's just a navy hardcover book, but it's not like any of the other initiates are especially into reading or that I even know where I would find a book like this in Dauntless.
I'm sitting up with my back against the wall staring off into space, not quite ready to lay down and fall asleep but with nothing to do, when the door bursts open again and people with flashlights stream in.
"Everybody up!" Eric roars.
I get to my feet slowly, sighing quietly. So much for my peaceful night I guess. Most of the Dauntless are older and I don't recognize them, but I do spot Four among them.
Christina and I share a look across the darkened room, I can barely see her eyes but I know she's looking at me. She's wearing only an oversized shirt that barely falls to her mid-thighs. She crosses her arms over her chest and glares at Eric when his eyes move from Tris to her.
"You have five minutes to get dressed and meet us by the track," Eric says, the light from the flashlights makes his black eyes look reflective and monstrous. "We're going on another field trip."
And just like that, they're all gone. All that fanfare for a fifteen second conversation.
We all begin rushing around, not one of us wishing to be even a second late out of fear of crossing Eric. Even Peter, who supposedly fears nothing, was startled by the loud entrance.
I weave in between the adult Dauntless still crowding the Pit despite the fact that it's nearly midnight. Though I'm sure that that will be me in less than a year, at least there seems to be more to do for those who are not initiates. As I walk beside Will, Christina and Tris somewhere behind us, I try to pull my hair back. It won't look very good, but I have had many days since beginning my Dauntless training in which I have had to forego fashion in favor of function. This is one of those times.
The other Dauntless members don't seem at all surprised by the crowd of teenagers pushing their way through their ranks half ready and most still kind of half asleep. In fact, a few of them hoot as we pass them, or shout actual words that I can't make out over the dull roar of the rest of the Pit.
We make it up to the tracks right behind the slowest Dauntless initiates, the older Dauntless are also hanging around in their own little clusters. Some look like they're in their early twenties while others can't be a day younger than sixty, but nonetheless they all have that air of Dauntless spirit around them. That loud and boisterous but joyful attitude that was one of the reasons I used to watch the Dauntless students.
' Age doesn't matter in Dauntless ,' I remember Four saying on the night that I met Eric. He meant that in the context of who can take jobs or not, but I also think that for the Dauntless no one's ever too old to be wild and adventurous. It's kind of cool I guess; for the most part the face of Dauntless seems to just be a lot of loud young people, but there's older Dauntless and that will be me someday. Always young at heart, and apparently in really good shape if they can still jump on the trains.
"What fresh hell do you think they've arranged for us this time?" Will says.
I shrug. "Knowing Eric it could just be a game where he drops us all in a field and hunts us down one by one."
Al giggles. "A literal field trip."
I blame how funny I find that on the fact that I'm basically asleep standing up.
A circle of light appears in the distance, though most of the initiates stop their conversations the older Dauntless don't even seem to notice it. Only when the train draws much closer do they begin jogging along it, chatting casually all the while.
We all crowd into one of the last train cars, including the older Dauntless there have to be at least fifty of us and everyone is crammed against each other but I manage to stick close to the cluster that is my friend group.
"Alright," Four says, and when he speaks most of the noise quiets. "We'll be dividing into two teams to play capture the flag. Each team will have an even mix of members, Dauntless-born initiates, and transfers. One team will get off first and find a place to hide their flag. Then the second team will get off and do the same." The car sways but he doesn't. "This is a Dauntless tradition, so I suggest you take it seriously."
"What do we get if we win?" someone from the crowd shouts.
Four raises his eyebrows. "That sounds like a question someone not from Dauntless would ask. You get to win of course."
Eric reaches into one of the many duffel bags that the Dauntless members helped carry onto the train and pulls out a black gun with a long, thin barrel.
"Because we all want you alive," Eric glances away for a second, "…to an extent, you'll be playing with paintballs and paintball guns. I hope you've all been paying attention during target practice. Dauntless takes this ritual very seriously."
Another Dauntless interjects, an older woman with a tattoo above and beneath her eye. "The paintballs sting like a bitch but it should be nothing for you…" she giggles, "soon to be Dauntless warriors." The man next to her snorts, elbowing her in the ribs.
"Four and I will be your team captains." Eric looks at Four. "Let's divide up the transfers first, shall we?"
All I can do is hope that I get to be on the same team as my friends. I won't get picked first, I know that much, but I would really rather not be on Eric's team. Four's team isn't exactly appealing to either but for the most part I think that Four's just annoying, I wouldn't put it past Eric not to shoot any one of his team members if he found them too irritating and I would rather not walk on eggshells this whole game.
"You go first," Four says.
Eric shrugs. "Edward."
Four leans back against the wall of the train and scans the crowd of transfers with little interest. I'm sure he isn't especially eager to have to be dealing with any one of us; we're his 'problem students,' as I recall him saying.
"I want the Stiff," he says and a snicker runs through the car, from the normal jerks in our class, to the Dauntless-born initiates, to the members.
"Got something to prove?" Eric says.
"Something like that," Four says, keeping with his habit of almost never giving anyone a straight answer regarding anything. "Your turn."
"Peter."
"Christina."
"Molly."
"Will."
"Drew."
Four looks the remaining initiates including me and then sighs, it's drawn out and frankly just a little bit overdramatic even by his standards. "Ice Queen."
It would really be nice if he would actually use my name at some point. I know that he knows it, I've seen him write it out on the board when he's matching up fights. He's just intentionally being an asshole.
"Al." Al gets a sort of miserable look on his face as he goes to stand among Eric, Peter, and friends. He's too nice for them and I doubt that they're going to be especially kind to him given that he's friends with Tris.
"Myra." She looks sadly at Edward and he blows her a kiss. She giggles and returns the gesture.
They divide up the rest of the transfers, then the Dauntless-born, then the members. I look around at my other team members and notice that we all have a few commonalities, or rather we're all the exact opposite of the people that Eric picked. Eric picked the ones that are strong and large, from Edward with his lean muscle to the Dauntless members that look like they could snap me in half. My team on the other hand, is made up mostly of people who all look a little different; but from what I know of my fellow transfers all the ones that Four picked are all pretty light on their feet and quick thinkers. I'd imagine that that extends to the others that he picked, Four wants us to work smarter rather than harder. That's actually rather clever of him; maybe there's a few lights on up in that brain of his after all.
"You can get off second," Eric says to Four when everyone's been sorted onto a team.
"Don't do me any favors." Four very nearly smiles. "You know that I don't need them to win."
"No, I know that you'll lose no matter when you get off." The reply obviously irks Eric. "Take your scrawny team and get off first."
The train dips and we're parallel with the ground, that's when my team jumps off. I manage to do it a little gracefully, unlike the only other chance I had to try when I jumped onto the roof. We land in a field not all that far from the marsh or the forest, but a ways from any faction's territory. The night is cloudy but the bright full moon illuminates the space just enough for us all to walk without turning on our flashlights.
Four's voice draws my attention away from scanning our environment and back to the people around me. "Okay. Initiates, you're all taking the lead on this one; this is for you so it's up to you all to come up with a hiding place and how we go after the other team. We may not be Erudite, but mental preparedness is the most important part of your training, arguably the most important part."
"When your team won, where did you put the flag?" One of the Dauntless-born asks.
"Telling you wouldn't really be in the spirit of the exercise, Marlene," Four says. "This is supposed to be a test of your skills, not mine."
"Come on, Four." He brushes her hand off of his arm, unmoved by her pleading.
"Navy Pier," another Dauntless-born answers for him. "My brother was on the winning team too. They kept the flag at the carousel."
"So let's go there then," Will suggests.
No one objects, so that's the direction that we head off in. In true Dauntless fashion, we're not exactly quiet about it; members and initiates alike talk casually, the idea that it might give us away not seeming to bother them. Even Four up ahead is talking to one of the members; possibly a friend, I didn't think he had those.
"We're close to the Erudite sector, right?" Christina bumps Will's shoulder with her own. I remember him saying that he memorized a map of the city for fun, so out of everyone he would know.
"Uh, yeah. It's south of here." There's a hint of longing in his voice that I can understand. No matter how much bravado we all put on, we're all a little homesick.
When we get up onto the bridge we're able to see it across the marsh. I know this place, a lot of the engineering research and development facilities have their backs to the marsh. I took a tour of a few of them for school once; they're just giant warehouses basically with walls that don't even go an eighth of the way up to the ceiling which makes it feel more like a maze than a building. Some of the taller projects could be seen over the walls, explaining why they need all the space. Because of the surprising lack of windows in those buildings, it's just a line of black shadows and then the hazy glow cast by the rest of the buildings, rising higher and higher but Erudite Tower being the brightest and tallest among them.
I'm closer to my family there than I have been in a while. I try to imagine what they might be doing right now; working probably. It's not even midnight; with me no longer at home my father no longer has a reason to leave work early and so he's probably working too, holed up in either his office in Erudite Tower or the Hub.
I take a breath, letting my mind linger on my family for another second and then pushing all those thoughts away. Now is really not the time for that, now I have to focus. I turn away from the view and begin to walk more quickly. As I do, I catch Will's eye and we share a look of mutual understanding. We were both Erudite once, he's missing it just as much as I am but as transfers we have to prove that we are nothing but happy to be here, so it goes mostly unsaid.
Once we cross the bridge, the field changes abruptly into an expanse of broken glass and crumbling buildings as far as the eye can see. Nothing this far out of the way is very well tended to, there's no reason to waste the resources on it; it's not like anyone's using it.
Marlene takes out her flashlight and turns it on, brightening the path for all of us as well as exposing just how much crushed glass it really on the ground.
"Scared of the dark, Mar?" the Dauntless-born who suggested the navy pier teases.
"If you want to step on broken glass, Uriah, be my guest." But she turns it off anyways.
I once remember my brother making some offhand snide comment about Dauntless seeming to have a hardline aversion to efficiency; that they can never just do anything the easy way because they act like they perpetually have something to prove. I think I'm starting to see where he's coming from on that. There's nothing especially brave about walking around in the dark with broken glass all over the ground, but the Dauntless just do it because…because it's fun for them I guess.
A break in the buildings reveals a strip of land that just out over the marsh and rising up from it is a massive red and white wheel with little gondolas hanging from the spokes. Or at least it was red and white, most of the paint has chipped off to give way to rust and grime.
"People used to ride that thing," Will says. "For fun . Can you imagine?"
Tris shrugs. "Those people must have been Dauntless.
"Yeah but like a lame version of Dauntless," Christina asks. "A Dauntless Ferris wheel wouldn't have cars. You would just hang on tight with your hands, and good luck to you."
"Bet we could hide the flag up there," I mutter. "Like in the spokes or one of the cars or something."
"Yeah, and you're going to be the one to climb that thing and put it up there?" Will says incredulously.
"Oh absolutely not. No, do I look like I have a fucking death wish?"
"You act like it with the way that you talk sometimes," Christina interjects.
I chuckle. "I keep telling you guys that they're not actually going to kill us." But after I speak the words I look at Christina again, her arms crossed and a doubtful look on her face, and suddenly I'm not so sure.
We keep walking and soon the broken buildings turn into simply crumbling ones. Their doors are shut tightly and from the shadows that I can make out inside, or lack thereof, they're empty. It looks as abandoned as the last part that we walked through, but whoever used to live here clearly left at their own leisure; leaving their homes to slowly erode as time wears on.
"Dare you to jump into the marsh," Christina says to Will.
"Oh yeah," he drawls. "I'll get right on that." He smirks and shakes his head. "If you want to see what's down there so bad, you do it."
We reach the carousel finally, which is just as old and weathered as the rest of this place. The plastic horses that are still connected to their poles have chipping paint if not outright pieces missing from them.
Four gathers everyone up around him and pulls the flag out of his pocket; it's fluorescent orange and looks like it's been dipped in glitter.
"In ten minutes, the other team will jump and pick their location," Four says. "They'll be a fair distance away from us in any direction, but you should all use that time to be formulating your strategy."
"Us members will do whatever you tell us to, but try not to lead us straight into a trap," says a woman with purple hair that has pink streaks running through it.
Will takes the flag from Four. "Some people should stay here and guard, and some people should go out and scout the other team's location."
"Yeah? You think?" Marlene raises her eyebrows as she snatches the flag away from him. "Who put you in charge, transfer?"
"No one, but someone has to take the lead on this."
"Maybe we should develop a more defensive strategy," Christina suggests. "Wait for them to come for us and then take them out, follow the people back to their hiding spot."
"That's the sissies way to do it," Uriah says. "I say we go all in; hide the flag so well that they can't find it and then storm their base."
"Okay yeah, we'll get right on that," Will says. "Because obviously they won't be just as well hidden as we are."
"Well, most of the people on that team aren't exactly what I would call the sharpest knives in the drawer." I nudge Will with my elbow.
Everyone has a different idea for how we should go about winning the game, which I guess is better than no one having any ideas, but it still makes it sort of hard to plan. I actually don't have much of anything; there's got to be something that satisfies the core ideas of everyone's plans but I don't know what that might be.
Bored of the argument after only a few minutes, I walk away from the crowd and sit down on the old faux-wood of the carousel floor, as far away from Four as I can get while still being on the same side of the carousel. I'm still listening, but at this point I have nothing to add and see no point in standing around and listening to everyone argue.
They're west of us, somewhere within a two mile radius, but that's all that we really know. All that we can rule out is that they're not hiding anywhere close to the way that we came but that isn't really saying a lot. We really can't do much of anything without finding their flag first, not if we want to be smart about it. But then again, I think be now I should have figured out that the Dauntless don't really give a shit about going doing things the smart way.
If I had to make a guess about Eric's team, I would say that as soon as they hid their flag they'd be out looking for us. Maybe one or two people would stay behind to guard, but for them the best defense is a good offense.
Christina's right, we should wait for them to come and find us and then follow them back; but Will is also right, we should try and split it so that there's still enough people left behind to defend the flag because they're weakness is that they aren't going to think to defend themselves. But a lot of the Dauntless-born want a full frontal attack; much like Eric's team probably, they don't give a shit about defense they just want to go and fight.
But that doesn't matter if we don't know where their goddamn flag is.
I look around to find Tris, who also walked away from the argument, and see if she has any ideas. But she's gone, and so is Four, and I really hope that they're not doing something reckless and stupid but honestly I'm probably wrong. Tris isn't exactly the sort of person to stand around and wait for other people to approve of her idea before she executes it; I both admire that and absolutely cannot stand that, this is supposed to be an exercise in teamwork after all.
After another couple of minutes of no progress both within my own team and my own head, Christina drops down next to me.
"I don't suppose you have any bright ideas," she says.
"Nothing coherent. Nothing actually doable. You didn't see where Tris went, did you?"
"Sure didn't. Do you think she's alright?"
"It's Tris and she can apparently bounce back from pretty much anything so, yeah probably but I wouldn't be surprised if she were off finding a way to injure herself further."
"Maybe we'll get lucky and she's off winning us the game."
"They only way we're going to win this game is if we can get together a coherent plan. Which, excuse my pessimism, I don't think is going to happen."
"I doubt the other team is any better off." She snickers. "Like you said, they're not the sharpest knives in the drawer."
"Yeah, but Eric doesn't give a shit about this being a learning experience. He has a plan and his team is going to execute it whether they want to do it or not."
She bumps me with her shoulder. "You seem to just have it all figured out.
I snort. "I wish. I've considered a couple different strategies that might satisfy everyone; but they don't work unless we know where the flag is, but we need a strategy to actually find the flag, and thus we are back to square one."
She sighs. "That's…that sucks."
"Yeah. Dauntless, not the best strategists. Like Four said, they aren't – we aren't – exactly concerned with any kind of thinking ahead or mental preparedness."
Will joins us a little bit later, looking annoyed and tired. "I'm done." He says as he sits down. "I'm done, I no longer give a shit. They can fuckin' do whatever they want. We're going to lose and Peter and Eric are going to be rubbing our noses in it for the next goddamn century."
"Your unyielding optimism really brightens my day; you know that?" Christina teases.
Will glares at her but he starts laughing after a second and then that laughter tapers off into a sigh. "We are so fucked."
"Oh yeah definitely," I agree. "Like if we could just get them to shut up long enough we might actually be able to come to a compromise, but, like, of course not."
"Oh my god!" A Dauntless-born exclaims and at first I think that it's just because of the argument, but then I notice everyone looking in one direction.
The three of us stand up to see what everyone's looking at, and the ferris wheel is moving. The three of us look at each other in bewilderment and then understanding; in unison we say, "Tris."
Of course, not even five minutes later she strolls up with Four. The entire team moves to meet them before they even reach the carousel.
"Did you guys turn the wheel?!" an older member exclaims. "You might as well have just shouted, 'Here we are, please come get us,'." She shakes her head.
"The wheel doesn't matter," Four says. "We know where they are."
"We?" Christina says, looking between Tris and Four.
"Yes. While the rest of you were sitting around twiddling your thumbs, Tris climbed the ferris wheel to look for the other team."
"The – the flags, they glow," she explains.
"So what do we do now?" asks another one of the Dauntless-born through a yawn.
"I have an idea," I say quickly before anyone else can speak.
I expect everyone to ignore me and turn to Tris or even Four to direct them, or to just break down into arguing again, but they don't. For once, no one speaks and I have their undivided attention. I really hope that this sounds as good out loud as it does in my head.
"We move in waves," I say, "each arranged to begin attacking at a set interval. We go in quiet until we can't anymore. The first waves try to pin down the majority of Eric's team in a firefight while one person or a team of people, it doesn't matter, in the last wave goes for the flag."
There's a beat of silence where everyone just looks at me; and then Marlene asks, "What interval?"
I look back at Tris. "How far are we from the flag?"
"I would say a ten minute run maybe."
"Five minutes," I say. "That should be enough time to both get there and engage Eric, distracting them enough from realizing what we're doing and intercepting us."
"Fifteen minutes is a long time," another Dauntless-born says.
"Something you can't handle?" I raise my eyebrow and that shuts them up.
There's another moment of silence and then Four, very slowly, says, "That's actually not a terrible idea."
' Yeah, I know ,' I snap back in my head, but keep quiet.
"Let's do it," Marlene says.
The others agree; some enthusiastically and others more hesitantly, but it becomes the plan that we decide on nonetheless. We agree to split into five waves, and I volunteer to go with the first because it's my plan and I ought to be sticking my neck out if I really think it will actually work. The rest of the first wave is mostly made up of the Dauntless members because they're the most experienced among us; but Marlene and Myra are also with me, at least if this totally goes to shit before the others even arrive I'll have good company.
We disperse into smaller groups once we're among the trees because it's harder to spot two or three people sneaking around than it is to spot twenty. We'll each approach the other team from different angles and converge on them, backing them into a corner. We expect them to fight back and try to use their numbers to overpower us, but if we can just hold our ground for a few minutes then the second wave will arrive.
I have Marlene and Myra with me, and we decide that we're going to try and get as far inside their guard as we can before we announce our presence. They're expecting something from the outside, but the others will take care of that. We take the extra long way around for caution, but to my surprise and suspicion I didn't see a single member of Eric's team wandering around. The scouts must have passed this area already, or Eric is more clever than I thought.
I guess that there's nothing that can be done about it now; but I really, really hope that we win this game. I really need this idea to work so that I'm not just the mediocre Erudite transfer with no distinguishing qualities whatsoever.
Where we slip in, there's no guards and very few on our way to the tower where Tris said they're keeping the flag. We won't actually try to grab it, we just want to clear the way for the fifth wave as much as possible. That's where Tris and Christina both are, and Will is with the second. Even though we're not in any real danger I still worry about them.
Marlene checks her watch and holds up her hand, indicating that we have a full five minutes before the second wave arrives. That's when the shouting and firing starts; I hear it coming from the front, where the Dauntless members must have engaged the guards. Good, that should make it easier for us and the fifth wave to sneak around.
We sneak around to the base of the tower, where there's a maze of large shipping containers and cement walls for us to hide behind. Marlene is the first of the three of us to take a shot, she hits the guard by the door in the backs of his knees and he howls in pain and surprise, drawing more people over that the three of us open fire. I'm not a great shot with this gun either, but I can see how the practice has done some good because I hit more often than I miss; it's just not always where I intended, or who I intended. A ball whizzes by my head so close it nearly stains some of my hair right as another one catches me in the chest. The woman on the train was right, it does sting like a bitch.
Marlene's watch beeps and almost right as it does I hear a lot of shouting come from the front. So much for keeping quiet. She ducks back behind the shipping container for a quick second to set her watch again. Marlene, Myra, and I keep moving, keep trying to draw the guards closer to the big fight and farther from the tower. It also helps that the big fight is sort of coming to us, our team is starting to push them back behind their lines but unfortunately we're already here too.
It hardly feels like any time has passed before all we're waiting on is the fifth wave. My outfit is a mess of splatters and I'm sure all have constellations of welts tomorrow morning but all I care about right now is winning. So far it seems like my plan is going off without a hitch. But this is the easy part, cause as much chaos as possible to cover the last team. We still have to actually get the flag.
At some point I hear Marlene's watch beep for the fifth time but it barely registers with me. We've moved on from trying to draw the guards away from the tower because now they're within range of the others and their only choice is to fight back, because they're Dauntless and Dauntless don't run away from a fight. They've forgotten about their posts at the tower entirely, not the sharpest knives in the drawer.
The other team wasn't exactly expecting to be shot in the back, so most of them had left themselves wide open on that front. It was easy pickings for the three of us, and they're all broad enough that even I couldn't miss.
I don't even notice the fifth wave arrives; I keep all of my attention on the other team, which has finally noticed the three of us. It only feels like a few minutes have passed from arriving here when Christina bursts out onto the balcony of the tower holding the lime green flag with Tris right behind her. Everything stops and our team cheers. Marlene high-fives Myra and I and then Myra hugs the both of us.
The other team groans, letting their guns clatter to the ground. Some of them high-five the other team while others seem a little more bitter about the loss. But they can hardly be heard over the cheers coming from my teammates, whoops and just actual screams mixing into one oddly pleasant cacophony. To my knowledge, they never found our flag. We'd tossed it on top of the carousel before leaving, it was still visible and so technically not in violation of the rules but it was kind of a dick move because it meant that no one could get to it without making themselves an easy target.
I wait for Christina and Tris to come down, Will joining me as well. He has a puncture in his jacket from where he was hit with a dart but otherwise he looks just fine. We exchange giddy, but tired grins and say nothing. Tris and Christina come down not even a minute later; Christina is still holding the flag. Tris and I high-five, both of us knowing that we won the game for our team but not wanting to brag.
"Mimi!" Christina exclaims, wrapping me in a tight hug that I immediately return. She whispers in my ear through her laughter, "You do have it all figured out."
I laugh, squeezing her tighter. I hadn't realized how freezing it is out here until she hugged me and I was suddenly warm. My stomach churns and my chest feels like it's about to burst but in a good way.
She stares at me for another few seconds longer, examining my face carefully which makes me uncharacteristically nervous. Then she pulls away from me to pull Will into an equally giddy hug and the moment is gone, but the buzz in my chest still remains.
We walk back to the train tracks slowly, meeting up with Al along the way. He's covered head to toe in paint and seeming none too happy about it.
"Why couldn't I have been on your guys' team," he sighs. "That hurt so much."
"Because the universe hates you," Will deadpans. "You did miss Christina, Tris, and Mimi being absolutely incredible." He pulls Christina and I close to him, missing Tris because he can't quite reach her. "They quite literally won us the game."
I blush and lean my head back on his shoulder to stare up at the night sky. "I mean yeah, but Christina and I couldn't have done what we did without Tris finding the flag." I can see so many more stars out here than I ever could in the city, where there's so much light coming from the buildings that you can only see the brightest stars. This is also the first time I've looked up at the sky in about three weeks, another reason to dislike being underground that I would have never anticipated caring about.
"Yeah but there's no guarantee that we ever would have been able to get to it without your plan," Tris says. "And Christina did most of the work getting up there anyways."
Christina grins. "You should have seen us, Al. We were incredible!" She still holds Eric's luminescent flag in her hand and behind Will's back she swings one side over toward me. Slightly clumsily, I grab it and we manage to get it over all of our shoulders just barely and we probably look ridiculous.
"Hey," Marlene pulls me aside and lowers her voice. "Some of the other Dauntless-born and I are taking a little bit of an alternate route back, like a rite of passage thing. Want to come?"
I glance back at Will, Christina, and Al, noticing that Tris has dematerialized again. With me gone Will has taken over holding the other end of the flag and the two of them keep it wrapped around them tightly as they walk.
Marlene follows my gaze back towards them. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"
It's not like I'm leaving one of them all alone, they'll have each other for company. Besides, I want to fit in with the Dauntless and this could be my chance to start doing that.
I shake my head. "Not at all. Sure thing, Marlene, that sounds lovely."
"Call me Mar," she says and then waves me after her as she walks away. "This way."
Myra and Tris have also tagged along with the Dauntless-born and we follow them through the darkened streets all the way back toward City Center which, despite being one of the busiest places in the city, is mostly dark at this hour. The walk alone must have taken forty-five minutes and it was well after midnight when we arrived at the boardwalk. The older Dauntless members lead us around most of City Center to get to the abandoned Hancock Building, which is abandoned because it's in such disrepair that it's more trouble to fix than it is to leave it. Though I've always wondered why it hasn't been demolished like so many others, but I suspect that I'm about to find out.
Another Dauntless is waiting for us outside the front doors and he grins when he sees us approach.
"Fresh off of capture the flag, little brother," the man gives Uriah a one armed hug. "Did you do me proud?"
"You bet," Uriah says. "Even brought along a few transfers from the winning team. For the three of you who don't know, this is my brother Zeke. Don't let the smile fool you, he's not that charming."
We laugh and Zeke shakes his head at Uriah.
"What are we doing here?" Tris asks.
"You don't get to know," says one of the older Dauntless. "That ruins the surprise." She extends her hand to Tris. "I'm Shauna, by the way."
"I'm-"
"I know who you are," Shauna interrupts her. "You're the Stiff. Four told me about you?"
"Oh really," Tris says and I can't see her blush but the awkward tone of her voice suggests that she's blushing. "What did he say?"
She smirks. "He said you were the Stiff. Why do you ask?"
"If my instructor is talking about me, I want to know what he's saying. He's coming, isn't he?"
I groan internally. If Four is coming, then this night just got a lot less pleasant.
"No. He never comes to this," she says. "It's probably lost its appeal after all this time."
Tris seems to deflate a little bit at Shauna's response, exact opposite my reaction.
"Do you know him well?" she asks.
"Everyone knows Four," she says. "We were initiates together. I was bad at fighting, so he taught me every night after everyone was asleep." She scratches the back of her neck, her expression suddenly serious. "It was really nice of him."
'Nice' and 'Four' aren't really two things that I'd really associate together, but I guess it's kind of fitting for him. Seems like he was really cut out to be a teacher.
Our little cluster walks up the steps of the building and then inside. One of the door frames doesn't have any glass in it so it's just the frame, but the glass has long since been swept up. The entry way is eerily dark and I expect for Zeke to lead us to the stairwell, but we stop at the elevators instead.
"Do the elevators work?" Tris whispers to Uriah.
"Sure they do." Zeke rolls his eyes. "You think I'm stupid enough not to come here early and turn on the generator?"
Uriah laughs. "Yeah, Zeke, I kind of do."
Zeke glares at him and then, not letting this snide comment slide, pulls him into a headlock and rubs his knuckles against his shaved head. Uriah smacks him in the side and he lets go, the both of them laughing.
The elevator doors open and the initiates pile into one and the members into the other. There aren't very many of us, but they're all Dauntless-born, who outnumber the transfers something like two to one.
"What floor?" asks a girl with a shaved head.
"One hundred," Tris says.
She whips around. "How would you know that?"
"Lynn, come on," Uriah says. "Be nice."
"We're in a hundred story building and we're Dauntless," Tris retorts. "Why don't you know that?"
She doesn't respond, she just jams her thumb on the button and the elevator zooms upward.
"Oh yeah," Marlene says before any semblance of silence can really settle over us. "Uriah wasn't the only ones who brought friends. Everyone, this is Myra and Mimi; Myra and Mimi, meet everyone."
"It's very nice to meet you, everyone." Myra giggles.
"How did three transfers wind up with us anyways?" asks a Dauntless-born who's name I don't know.
"You were on the other team weren't you?" Marlene asks and the boy nods miserably. "Well, Tris and Mimi are the two people responsible for your loss. Tris found the flag and Mimi made the plan to get it. Myra was with Mimi and I and she's just really cool."
Myra twirls a lock of finger around her hair, blushing a little. Tris and I exchange smiles again.
"It was pretty smart of them," Uriah says. "Like, Erudite smart."
Tris and I share another look, both of us knowing what the other is thinking, but neither of us say anything.
"Just because you did one cool thing doesn't make you any less transfers," Lynn says. "You're not Dauntless yet."
Marlene leans her head on Lynn's shoulder. "Come on, they're not so bad."
Lynn rolls her eyes, but smiles at Marlene.
"I wonder how we'll get to the roof from…" his voice trails off as the doors open.
The hundredth floor is no better lit than the lobby but light leaks in via a massive hole in the ceiling, making an aluminum ladder look like it's glowing in the dark.
"You know, I'm more curious how they managed to knock that hole in the ceiling," Myra mutters to me and I nod.
We follow Lynn and Marlene up the ladder to the roof, which thankfully has a rail around the perimeter to keep us from falling off. No one speaks, not even as the Dauntless members arrive, we all just take a second to be totally captivated by the view of the city from all the way up here; swathes of bright light next to pitch black as some sectors of the city are much less busy than others. From up here I can see all the basic shapes on maps I've seen that I can recognize as places that I know. I think of Will, memorizing a map of the city in his spare time, it doesn't seem so trivial now. In fact I can actually understand the impulse to want to have a bird's eye view of everything always in your mind. He would love it up here I'm sure.
In my peripheral vision I see people moving to gather around one part of the balcony and when I manage to tear my gaze away from that breathtaking view I finally notice that secured to one of the poles rising up from the roof is a thick steel cable that runs off the building, straight out into the darkness. I may not have memorized a map of the city, but if I had to guess I would say that it touches down somewhere near the Dauntless compound.
On the ground next to the railing is a pile of black belts, harnesses, Zeke secures one to the zipline and in his best corny announcer voice says, "Step right up, step right up! Who among you will be the first to brave the death and gravity defying Zipline of Terror?!" Before he can get through another sentence, he breaks down into laughter.
Shauna, also laughing, is the first one to 'step right up'. She climbs onto the railing and my breath catches for a second when she does as I'm reminded of Christina having to climb over the railing on the bridge over the Chasm.
' This is different ,' I remind myself. ' This is fun. Dangerous, but what Dauntless fun isn't? '
She gets into the sling and Zeke secures the straps tightly around her but my second hand anxiety doesn't fade; I can almost see the tough fabric fraying and snapping, plunging her to her death a hundred stories below. The image of the girl who didn't make it to the roof back on the first day of initiation isn't something I think I'm going to be forgetting any time soon. That girl was sixteen years old, just like me, what's going to stop me from falling?
I'm drawn back to reality as Zeke counts down from five and then shoves her off into the darkness, I can hear her cheering as she hurtles to the ground for a few seconds and then it fades away.
Some of the others whoop and throw their fists in the air, Myra among them. We all form the closest that we can get to an orderly line, ten people between me and the zipline. It's nothing against Zeke, I'm fairly confident that he knows what he's doing, it's just that I know accidents happen and I don't want to be one of them; I don't want any one of us to just die in some tragic accident like Rita's friend.
No one else seems afraid, the members have all probably done this a hundred times before; but the initiates, who heard and maybe saw the same thing I did, they all look nothing but excited. Maybe they're just good at hiding their fear, maybe the things that have happened over the past two and a half weeks don't bother them like they bother me.
"So this is Dauntless culture," Myra says.
"Yep, this is about what I expected," I say. "The ziplining, I mean, and maybe capture the flag but everything else kind of came out of left field."
"Yeah, same actually. Scared?"
I give her a tight smile. "Petrified. You?"
She squeezes my arm, somehow managing to avoid all of my bruises. "Figuratively shitting my pants."
The knot of tension inside me slackens marginally as we exchange smiles. We're in the same boat, afraid but unwilling to back down now.
"You know," she says, "my father used to say to me that real bravery isn't never being afraid, but rather acknowledging your fears and acting in spite of them."
"Your father sounds like a smart man." The saying sounds rather familiar to me as well, I don't know where I would have heard it from though.
"He was." Something flickers in her expression for a moment; Myra is as homesick as the rest of us but too proud to show it, just like the rest of us.
Something that I hadn't noticed about her before now, standing right next to, is that her hair isn't naturally red; the lack of time she's had to pay attention have left the light brown roots to grow out long enough to become noticeable.
I look back at the zipline again to see Tris getting in; that means there's only three people left until I have to go. She slips into the harness on her stomach like most of the others. She looks back at the line of people left as Zeke and her eyes meet mine for a quick second.
"Ready, Stiff?" Zeke says. "I have to say, I'm impressed that you aren't screaming and crying right now."
"I told you," Uriah says. "She's Dauntless through and through, now get on with it."
"Careful, little brother," Zeke chides with teasing tone. "or I might not tighten your straps enough come your turn and then, splat!"
"Yeah." Uriah rolls his eyes. "And then mom would boil you alive."
Zeke shrugs. "Only if she found out." He counts Tris down and then lets her go. I don't hear her scream in terror or cheer like the others before her did, she was just there and then Zeke let go and she wasn't.
"Who would've thought that the Stiff would be the bravest out of all of us," Myra mutters.
I look off in the direction that the zipline leads. "She's really not what anyone would expect." I look back at Myra. "It's cool, right?"
"Heh." She nods, looking away toward the zipline. "It's…something to behold."
Myra and Tris are the two that struggle the most in initiation, as the two smallest and leanest initiates in our transfer class they have kind of a hard time gaining the upper hand in fights. We haven't seen our rankings yet, but I know what Eric thinks about them just from the way that he jeers when they fight. From the way that she acts I assumed that Myra thought herself to be above his petty insults, but I think that she wants to impress just as much as the rest of us do. We all know that Tris is truly Dauntless, it's something that everyone can see and after that game of capture the flag I think that she's pretty much proved that she belongs here. She climbed the fucking ferris wheel, if that doesn't prove it I don't think anything will.
Myra hasn't really done anything that anyone's taken notice of; she isn't the best fighter, she isn't the cruelest initiate, she isn't the bravest out of all of us, she wasn't the first to knock someone out, Eric hasn't tried to kill her, she doesn't talk back to Four. She, much like Will, Drew, and Molly, and the other initiates – the normal fucking people in this sea of chaos – pretty much seems to stick to the sidelines. I wonder if she's jealous, because Tris really sticks out and maybe she just wants to be that.
Maybe I'm reading into it too much.
Marlene is gone before I realize and then Myra steps up. As Zeke straps her into the harness she looks back at me and says, "See you on the other side." Then Zeke lets her go and she disappears into the night, cheering all the while.
I have to wait for a small eternity before Zeke beckons me forward. I climb onto the barrier with shaking limbs and let Zeke guide me face down into the sling. I can see how far the drop is and I think of Rita's friend again. I'm not someone who's afraid of heights, but I'm also not usually someone that flirts with death for the hell of it. Although I guess that that's better left in the past; flirting with death for the hell of it might as well be right in the Dauntless manifesto for all that it seems to be a requirement to join up with them.
"Ready?" Zeke asks.
"As I'll ever be," I say, trying to let my nerves show through my voice.
"That's the spirit." He smacks me on the shoulder and it makes the sling bounce slightly. I swallow a scream and smile at him instead. "Don't forget to pull the break at the bottom." He tugs lightly on a handle attached to a cord behind me. I nod and he pulls me back slightly. "Three, two, o-" he lets me go and the rest of the word is lost as I hurtle away from the Hancock Building.
I swallow another scream and grip the harness around my chest for dear life.
' I am not going to fall ,' I remind myself. ' I have every confidence in Zeke and his knowledge; I am going to be just fine. I'm Dauntless, this is what we do. '
I'm lower than I was up on the roof, but it still kind of feels like I can see everything up here among the skyscrapers. I breathe heavily, the harsh wind drying out my mouth almost immediately, and then instead of screaming I try a cheer. This isn't actually so bad; I mean, it's scary as fuck but in a way that makes me feel like my whole body is vibrating and I want to laugh. It's a weird feeling and not really something that I've ever experienced before, but it thrills me.
Perhaps flirting with death isn't so bad; death doesn't seem to be all that into me.
Up ahead of me, there's a brick wall with a giant X formed by floodlights. Feeling both disappointed and relived that the ride is over, I reach up and pull the brake. Standing on the ground, which is a survivable distance away now though it would still really hurt to hit the concrete and I'd probably break a bone, are the Dauntless; some of them I saw up on the roof and others must have been waiting here to catch the first person. They form a net of sorts with all their arms, ready to catch me. I reach behind me and first undo the straps around my legs, feeling them drop down makes a bolt of terror run straight through me. I hesitate before undoing the two straps around my chest, looking down at the people again. With the bright lights on them I can very clearly make out Marlene, Myra and Tris, then Uriah and Lynn. I take a deep breath; these are my people and I trust them. Dauntless is my family, not by blood but by choice and neither of those bonds outweighs the other. The love that I feel for both are a little different but I love them nonetheless; insane as Dauntless is, it's still amazing to me. Despite everything, that spark hasn't dulled since initiation started; I just see things a little differently now, but I also think that I am allowed to be idealistic and realistic at the same time. Ideals and idealism are what hold these factions together.
I unbuckle both straps at the same time and fall into their arms, landing on my stomach because I don't have enough time to turn over. I feel muscle and bone dig into my flesh and it knocks the wind out of me, but I don't mind in the slightest. They lower me to the ground in almost perfect unison and disentangle themselves from each other to let me stand up.
I get to my feet and find a spot in the tangle next to Tris right as another body comes into view. I grab Myra's hand across from me and a stranger's wrist as the human net reforms to catch that person.
Tris leans over and in my ear says, "Pretty cool, right?"
"Amazing," I say breathlessly.
We catch four more people before Zeke himself comes down and then we all begin to walk back to the Dauntless compound, laughing and talking loudly as if it isn't the very early hours of the morning.
Exhaustion begins to settle over me and only becomes more and more apparent the closer we get to the dormitories. Tris, Myra, and I don't bid each other goodnight; we all just collapse on our respective beds. My last thought before falling asleep is that I might be just fine here, the first time I've thought that since the start of initiation.
We're all going to be just fine.