September 1867
It's been five months now that i quitted the Shinsengumi, along with Toudou. He finally stopped the grieving of his lost friendships and came back at being his natural self, joyful, conscious and a bit dumb sometimes. I was spending more time with him. Still stuck in my personal grievance, i was drawn to positive people like a butterfly to a candle. Everytime, i was feeling better for a moment and everytime, i was feeling miserable afterwards but of course I wasn't showing it. My emotionless mask was as powerful as ever and Ito and Miki started to put their trust in me, giving me more missions. They never asked me to spy on the Shinsengumi yet but we had echoes of the Mimawarigumi, an other shogunate affiliate militia, was starting to make some moves and so, i was dispatched as a spy. When i thought about it, it was pretty risible. I was spying on a shogunate affiliated militia on behalf of imperialists that i was spying on on behalf of another shogunate affiliated militia. Even for myself, i knew that keeping this up will end up drawing blurred lines in my unfaltering loyalty. Of course, before spying on the Mimawarigumi, i spoke to Yamazaki about it but he told me that the Shinsengumi didn't care and that I should give informations to Ito to gain his trust. That wasn't really surprising. The Shinsengumi and the Mimawarigumi, although on the same side, had never been found of each other.
I was in Gion, at a tea house not very far from the Himawari where Toudou and Chizuru used to work as undercover maiko. Ito and Miki prefered Gion over Shimabara, saying that geiko were better educated anyway and they were often scorning prostitutes. To say this, i doubted they met an oiran once. We were three, waiting for Toudou who was gods know where. My sake cup was already filled and a geiko was singing to Ito and Miki.
Toudou arrived finally with the biggest smile on his face. I wondered what could make him that happy. He sat with us and a geiko immediately filed a cup of sake for him.
« Why so joyful, Heisuke-kun ? » asked Ito, his foxy smile I hated so much on.
« Oh... Nothing... I'm just happy to be here... » he said but only an idiot would believe it.
He was hiding something and he wasn't hiding it well. The way his eyes were always getting back to me made me think that it probably had something to do with the Shinsengumi and he was dying to tell me. But it'll have to wait. We couldn't really discuss the topic with Ito and Miki at our table.
We resume drinking together but at some point, i saw Ito whisper something to Miki and they both stood up.
« Saito-kun, Heisuke-kun, have a nice evening. We are going back to the headquarters. »
« I shall get going too, then... » i said, getting up, but Ito's hand stopped me.
« No, Saito-han, please enjoy yourself with your friend. » he said, smiling.
I frowned. Was he suspicious of Toudou for a reason ? Was he asking me to get informations from him ? I nodded and stayed with Toudou, watching them go away. The young captain didn't even realize what happened and his wide smile invade his face once more.
« Saito ! Now we're alone, I gotta tell you ! » he said with excitement.
I stayed stoic, drinking my cup, waiting for his story that I had no doubt would be life-changing...
« I saw Chizuru-chan ! »
I nearly spitted my sake all over the table. How was that even possible ?! Chizuru was supposed to be in Osaka with Matsumoto-sensei to learn medecine. She wasn't in Kyoto. Had she returned ?
« Where ? » i asked him, taking another cup of sake.
How many cups had I drank already ? I couldn't say. I was drinking it mechanically, letting the warmth of the sweet alcohol confort me a few seconds then fade away and taking another cup.
« In a tea shop. I never thought she'd be there when i entered but she was. And she was sooooo cute ! She was wearing a yukata, a woman one. It couldn't compare to her maiko outfit of course but it was so natural... Her obi was green and the yukata yellow with... »
« Fireworks. »
I finished his sentence and his eyes widden. I knew this yukata. It was the one I bought her years ago before taking her to the Gion festival. That's where i kissed her for the first time and asked her if she was willing to try to have a relationship with me. I could still picture her in this yellow yukata, smiling, looking at the chars with sparkling eyes, eating her takoyaki, throwing rings at the ring toss... I could remember her panting after our first kiss, her hair a bit messy because of my hands and how I arranged her hairstyle before bringing her back to the compound, asking her to keep our relationship secret. I would kill to see her again in that yukata.
« You saw her too ?! » he asked me.
Toudou's question made me snap back to reality and I realized how much of an idiot i had been for finishing that sentence.
« I believe i saw a woman with that pattern earlier tonight but it wasn't Yukimura. » i lied to get me out of the situation.
« Okay... Well do you want some news from her ? » he continued, excited « or maybe you don't care since we're with Ito now... »
His face grew glumier and i took another cup of sake. His enthusiasm was understandable. Toudou had been in love with Chizuru since the beginning. As for myself, i couldn't resent him for thinking that i do not care. I never showed my true feelings towards Chizuru to others.
« Tell me. » i simply said in my toneless voice.
« She just returned after two months studying medecine with Matsumoto-sensei. She saw the shogun, Yoshinobu Tokugawa, and his elite troops and the french and everything ! » he couldn't contain his excitement « not that i care about the shogun or the french but she was so excited about it that i guess it got onto me a bit. » he laughed.
« Is she well ? » i asked, hopeful.
« She seems to. But Saito, that yukata ! Did I tell you how cute she was ?! » he blushed « only thing was the swords. I don't see why she's wearing them with a woman yukata. »
« The swords ? » i frowned.
« Yeah... Her kodachi, obviously, and another one, a bit shorter but also thicker. I think it's a wakizashi but I don't see why she's wearing both... I mean... Two kodachi, why not... Or a wakizashi and a katana... But a kodachi and a wakizashi... It just doesn't make sense... » he said, thinking.
She's wearing it... She's out there, somewhere, wearing the yukata i offered her and the wakizashi i left in her care... Is it some kind of message adressed to me or pure coïncidence ?
« Why was she in women clothes ? » i asked, perplexed.
« At Osaka, she didn't have to hide, she told me. »
Understandable with the reason that brought her to Osaka in the first place.
« Is she staying ? » i asked again and Toudou laughed.
« I thought you didn't care but in the end, you ask more questions than ever. ! »
I silenced him with a icy glare and he stopped smiling to answer the question i asked him.
« Yeah, she's going back to the Shinsengumi. » a shadow passed in his gaze « She was going to buy some men clothing and go back this evening. »
« Toudou. » i asked, incapable of ignoring the shadow in his eyes « are you really an imperialist ? »
His eyes widden in surprise and he paused, wondering what the correct answer should be.
« Do not lie. Any answer is acceptable but lies. » i added, knowing that Toudou would tell the truth to me anyway. He always had been a little bit scared of me. He wouldn't dare lie in front of me.
« Well.. I am... » he answered with embarrassment. « You know, two years ago, I returned to Edo and... You should have seen it, Saito... Westerns everywhere, acting like they own the place... And the Bakufu, they're not doing shit about it. »
I kept listening to him. I knew that Edo had changed but i haven't witnessed it with my own eyes. If I did, would I have become an imperialist too ?
« Anyway, it's not like i have ever been loyal to the shogun. I joined the Shinsengumi to stay with all of you but I didn't really care about the Bakufu. That just seems too foreign to my actual life. And when Ito joined, he started explaining things and it just made sense to me. »
I nodded, reassuring him that he made the good choice to open up to me. So Toudou was a real imperialist after all... I really was alone in this mission.
« What about you, Saito ? » he asked « when did you realize you were an imperialist ? »
« Being here serves my ambitions. It has nothing to do with political affiliation. » i answered in my toneless voice.
« Okay... then... »
« I shall get going. It's getting late. » i said, getting up.
« All right, lets get back. »
I have no intention in going back to the Guardians headquarters, Toudou.
We walked quietly from Gion to the Gessin In temple, our headquarters, and I was ready to turn around as soon as Toudou would be out of sight when I heard Ito call me.
« Saito-kun, may I see you for a moment, please ? »
I turned around and joined my commander to get my orders, trying to ignore the thirst for murder that was taking me everytime I was in his presence. I sweared I'll kill him one day and nothing would be as sweet as this.