Nubia

Coming to the home of Shemric's family had occurred to Julienne when she had been pondering what to do. His stories of his mother made Julienne think that she might be a woman from whom one might receive some good advice. And she needed advice in droves.

Visiting the planet Nathema had been as horrible an experience as she ever wished to imagine. As a long-time Force user she was used to feeling those connections that made up her existence. She had learned to pull her Force-awareness tightly about her and not feel things around her, but those had only been temporary situations. When she had descended to the surface of the planet, it had felt like her Force-sensitivity had been wiped clean. There was Nothing. Monikas had no idea what sort of event might have happened to cause the scouring of the Force from an entire planet, but it might explain what the Emperor had become and the source of his power.

The complete wrongness of the place had reminded her too much of her own unfeeling soul before Shemric had pulled her back and she did not wish to sink back into that inevitable feeling that nothing she did would matter. Hopelessness had led her to that emotionless, empty soul that Shemric had found so repulsive. She had come to realize that path had been the easy way out, to stop feeling and just go through the motions, but if she did not feel the pain of the people she had killed or the lives she had shattered then their loss was meaningless. They had to have value and thus, she had to feel the pain of their loss.

She left Nathema more convinced than ever that the Emperor had to perish for the good of the Empire. The problem was, she still struggled with who she must be going forward. Julienne could feel but Monikas could do the things that needed to be done.

Which had led her to Nubia and the home of Shemric's family. It had not been hard to find them. It was only a little twist to get from Shem to the one's that connected to him. When she descended the aircar, she knew she was in the right place. Monikas sensed a very strong presence in the Force not far away and looked up at the house on the hill. It was rather far to actually meet someone's eyes at that distance, but there was definitely someone there and it felt like her eyes were on the black-robed figure that was standing in the road.

Monikas stood there staring up at the hill and wondered if this was a good idea. Shemric's mother was likely a very powerful and experienced Force-user and could decide she wanted to eliminate a source of pain to her son. No, that was not what she sensed from the woman above. There was curiosity, certainly, and … expectation, as if she had been awaiting a visitor. Monikas crossed the road, walked through the gap in the fence and began to ascend up the hill to the house. She purposely kept her hand off her lightsaber. When she approached to within a few meters of the porch, she looked up to see a woman who clearly resembled Shemric looking down at her with a slight smile on her face. Monikas was instantly jealous of the woman's self-assurance in the face of a Sith Lord walking up to her house.

"You look properly intimidating Julienne Qa," said the woman. "Or shall I call you Darth … "

"Monikas," she provided. She removed her hood and met the other woman's eyes.

"Ah, well, I would congratulate you, but I suspect that I would not approve of the things you had to do to achieve it," said Shem's mother.

The woman's eyes were kindly, but penetrating, and it was Darth Monikas who looked away first. There was accusation there, and many questions. She wondered again if this had been a good idea.

"I apologize for just walking up, ma'am, but calling ahead might have been dangerous," said Monikas. "It still may be, though I have gone to great lengths to conceal my journey here."

"I have taken precautions," said the other woman.

The only way the woman could have done so was if she had expected a visit. This might prove to be fruitful after all.

"Would you like to join me on the porch, Darth Monikas?" she asked. "I suspect we have much to discuss."

"Yes, please," said Monikas and wondered at her newfound courtesy. Then again, this was not a woman that would be intimidated.

When they were both seated, it was Shemric's mother who began the conversation.

"Please call me, Jorianne," she said. "I sense a great deal of turmoil in you, Darth Monikas. I would say it is unorthodox for a Sith to come to a former Jedi for advice, but the very nature of your relationship with Shemric practically defines unorthodox. So, you are either here to ask questions about Shemric or to ask for advice." She raised an eyebrow.

Despite having given this a great deal of thought, Monikas hesitated now that she was actually confronted with someone who might help. Help or advice would push her back into the fray and surely lead to more pain and suffering, if not a brutal death. Did she really want to have an answer that would lead her to that? Jorianne just sat looking at her patiently without speaking.

"Sometime around 18 months ago your son and I parted after having accomplished the task of destroying Darth Malgus," she began. Jorianne's eyes widened slightly. She had not heard this story, but she clearly knew the identity of the Sith Empire's most recently infamous Sith Lord. "For the success of my mission, I was granted ascension and became Darth Monikas. After leaving Shemric, I had to … suppress my feelings and memories of Shemric, both to protect him and to protect myself. New Sith Lords are constantly under threat from many sources until they establish themselves and their reputation. Apparently my reputation was thought to be somewhat overblown and so my 'testing' was constant and brutal. I also suspect that the Emperor gleaned more from our one encounter than I knew and so I became somewhat untrustworthy."

Monikas had waded through the emotion associated with that time when Shemric had forced her to reconnect to her feelings, but it was still very raw. She suddenly felt tears come to her eyes and cursed Shemric yet again for making her feel again. Jorianne's kindly face did not change, nor did she comment.

"I walled off my feelings from the outside world and became an island," said Monikas. "It was the only way to survive. The plot finally came to its head when I was sent on a spurious mission with the purpose of being captured in order to lure Shem there to be killed. He came, of course, and even more unlikely, he proved himself superior yet again and survived with a little help from me. However, it was not a pleasant reunion. I had lost all feeling for him. I simply could not reconnect to what we had been and frankly, did not want to do so. He would not let that stand and used our connection to make me relive our time together and the feelings associated with them. I did not die from it, but I was angry. I sent him off to Mandalore, ostensibly to find allies, but I sold him into the Pit." Monikas was sure this would bring some reaction, but Jorianne sat listening without comment. "I have been working since then to uncover what I can about how the Emperor might be destroyed, but I find the pressure has not changed and I am slowly making my way back to that island where none other is welcome. It is how I survive, but having somewhat reconnected to my feelings for Shemric, I am conflicted. I cannot shut him out and do what needs to be done, but if I do shut him out, this all seems so pointless. I cannot see a middle ground."

Jorianne looked at her and asked a simple question, "What do you want, Darth Monikas?"

The question was not groundbreaking, but it exploded into Monikas' consciousness like a thermal detonator. Her whole life, she had never been really asked what she wanted. Did she want to be with Shemric? Did she want to serve the Empire? Would destroying the Emperor best serve the Empire?

"NO, Monikas," said Jorianne interrupting her thoughts. "What do you WANT? I sense you consider many things but are incapable of choosing to want something for yourself. It is not so different than the way of the Jedi, to be the servants of all. Decide what you want and then you can survive anything."

"I want what you have," said Monikas. She was almost unaware of speaking the words and she wondered even then if she understood them. What did this woman have that she wanted? Dignity, certainly. Self-mastery, without a doubt. Except those things were not really what she wanted. She wanted the connection that this woman had to Shemric and clearly to many others. Monikas felt her essence in the Force and she was … bright. But that was not it either. It was hard to really pin down one sensation when you felt her because she was diverse. A woman. A wife. A mother. A warrior. A healer. A servant. Her essence had no beginning and ending because it flowed into all those around her to which she had made connections. And she did not seem weakened by it. On the contrary, she felt immensely strong. She had not lost herself in those attachments; the attachment had made her a giant.

Yes, that is what Julienne wanted. To be that kind of woman. A giant.

Using her old name, even in her own mind, left her gasping. Julienne was the woman who felt love and pain and heartache and could not be Darth Monikas. They were too different.

"You are wrong," said Jorianne. "Julienne and Monikas are both part of you. Separating them has made you vulnerable, not stronger. Be whole and find out what you were really meant to become." The woman was either an incredible guesser or gleaning much of Julienne's feelings and thoughts. When Shemric's mother reached across and took Julienne's hand, it was a shock to feel how strong their connection was through Shemric and now increased by physical contact. Julienne realized suddenly that she made up some of this woman's network of Force connections and that was why she had been able to find her so easily.

"You don't have to be alone, Julienne, but you have to make a choice to want this," said Jorianne.

Julienne felt along her connection to Shemric and through that to Shemric's mother. For the first time in twenty years she felt the sensation of love and compassion that her own mother had had for her before she died. It broke through the last wall of resistance, but also opened her to the pain of loss she had shut out since their separation. Julienne cried for her parents again and the pain of it nearly pushed her back to that unfeeling place until she felt that familiar comfort of a woman's arms around her and she laid her head on Jorianne's lap and sobbed.

It took some time for Julienne to wind down and when she finally sat up and wiped her nose, she snorted to herself. "I'll bet you never thought to have a Sith Lord come calling and then have a breakdown on your lap."

"Perhaps not, but I have birthed many babies and those women all want to tell me about their problems," said Jorianne. "Some even take my advice."

"Do you think I will be one of them?" asked Julienne.

"You already have," said Shem's mother. "I sensed a few memories of your parents. Let me guess; you have suppressed any grief for them since they were killed all those years ago for hiding you?"

Julienne nodded and wondered what other secrets she had shared while grieving. The woman was an accomplished psionic.

Jorianne laughed. "Not so good as you, I think, but your thoughts were very strong and we are connected very strongly through Shemric."

That made sense to Monikas.

"How did Shemric like your tattoo?" asked Jorianne.

Monikas traced the outline on her cheek unconsciously and looked in surprise at Jorianne. "He did not mention it. We did not talk much during out last meeting."

"Well, it looks properly scary if you are trying to intimidate someone, but you were quite pretty before you had it put there; it would be a shame to ruin such a lovely face," she said. "I can remove it if you ever change your mind."

"I am sure I will then," said Julienne. "But not yet. Darth Monikas needs to look the part until … " she trailed off. Until when?

"…until she doesn't," finished Jorianne.

That felt right to Julienne and Monikas. Maybe there was a chance she could be both of them. No, that was not what Jorianne had said. She had to be one person that encompassed both Julienne and Monikas. She had a feeling that was going to lead to a great deal of suffering.

"Suffering shapes us into what we are," said Jorianne. "Without conflict we stagnate. With opposition we grow stronger. So grow stronger and be who you want and who Shemric needs."

Julienne nodded and felt the change in her paradigm. She would suffer and that suffering would increase the triumph.

"And the joy," said Jorianne. "When you look back at your years, the joy will far outshine the suffering like the sun outshines the moon."

Julienne could already sense the strength of her connection to Jorianne and through her to Shemric's family.

"Is your husband going to be happy to have a Sith in his household?" she asked.

"No, but he will be more than happy to have Julienne Qa, a complete woman who is going to save the galaxy," said Jorianne. Her smile took away some of the seriousness of the statement.

"That is a lot of pressure to live up to," said Julienne.

"Well, it is a good thing you have the Norm family to help you out then, is it not?" said Jorianne.

Julienne laughed and in that laugh felt the dark pall that had been hovering over Darth Monikas disperse.