"Voldemort is alive and on the back of Quirrell's head!"

Snape's face turned deathly white, and he nearly dropped me.

Moody turned both eyes on me. "Here now," he growled. "I thought you were coming to complain about something important."

This was not important? I wondered astonished as Moody turned his electric blue eye pointedly to Snape and back. Was he trying to tell me something? He repeated the movement.

"..."

"Would you prefer to speak to me alone, without your father present?" Moody asked, curling his lip at Snape and confusing me even more.

What? Why would I want to do that?

"Albus did not come to inform you of my abuse or any parental inadequacies," Snape spat above my head, tightening his grip around me. "I suggest you—"

The fuck he thought?! Seeing red, I launched myself at Moody, fists out. "There's nothing wrong with my Daddy!"

I would have pot him one right on the nose if Severus had slower reflexes. Instead, my fists flew harmlessly through the air as he swung me away. Flailing, I swore at Moody with everything I had in my arsenal until Severus put his hand over my mouth.

"Albus, enough."

"Mpfhhmm!"

"It is an honest mistake to make," Severus said, keeping his hand in place. "While I appreciate your willingness to defend my honour, I do have an unsavory past. I would rather hear more about Quirrell. How do you know about him and the Dark Lord?"

"You can't even say his name," Moody snorted at Snape before turning to growl at me. "This is not something to joke about, laddie."

I kicked out at him, forcing Severus to take a step back. He still had his hand firmly over my mouth, and my 'Fuck you, Asshole!' to Moody was muffled. Dared I bite?

"Moody. I assure you if Albus said he saw such a thing, then we can believe him."

"And why would he not tell you this, Snape? Why go to all this trouble instead?"

I could answer that if you let me! I stuck my tongue out and licked his fingers. What little of his face I could see from below twisted in disgust. Why? I saw him cut up fat slugs as large as my foot, what's spit to that.

"It's something I would love to know myself. I'll let you speak, Albus. Say anything else and we go home, nod if you understand," Snape said.

I nodded.

He released my mouth. "Why did you not come to me with this?"

"I didn't want you to get hurt!"

"This again, Albus?"

Judging by how the corners of his mouth pulled down and his arms tensed even more around me, I was wrong thinking this would make him happy. Fuck. Nothing I was going to say tonight was going to make him happy. I wiggled around in his arms to give him an apologetic hug. Squeezing his neck as tight as I could to bring the feeling of remorse over, I started to explain about Quirrell.

"Not here!" Moody growled, and we followed him to a deserted office.

I told them everything.

From how I found the cloak in a deserted tunnel and capered around the school, playing hide and seek from my Dad, to when I saw Quirrel in an empty classroom talking to a thing on his head, calling it Voldemort.

"Voldemort?" Moody asked.

Shit, he wouldn't have, right? "He said 'My Lord' but Percy said that's what Death Eaters called You Know Who, and Dumbledore said You Know Who was Voldemort!" Fucking hell I was an amazing liar.

"Headmaster Dumbledore," Severus corrected.

"What?"

"You heard me, Albus." Freeing a hand Snape pinched the bridge of his nose, leaving me to dangle on his other arm. I clutched at his robe. "Show some respect to your elders," he continued in a temper, "we've talked about this."

We hadn't. I nearly said that too, but a furious look from Severus had me swallowing the words, and I finally got that it was an act for Moody's benefit. Maybe.

"Headmaster Dumbledore. Sorry, Daddy."

I finished the recounting of my fictional adventure.

Moody stood watching us, his blue orb swiveling every now and then from me to Snape who had kept hold of me like I was his anchor. It was impossible to see on his scarred face what he thought, did he believe me? When I came to the part about Horcruxes Mad-Eye stopped me and left the office.

"Can you put me down?" I asked Snape when we were alone. "You're squishing me."

"No." But he did relax his grip. "You'll stay right here where I won't lose you."

"Fine."

"Fine? Nothing about this is fine, Albus. How long have you known about this—no, don't tell me, the walls have ears!" He started pacing, carrying me up and down the small office and hissing above my head. "I ought to wring your neck. Honestly, being sent to Azkaban would be more peaceful, and I speak from experience."

Oh, that was unfair. I blinked back the automatic tears. "Please, put me down."

"No. I don't trust you not to disappear."

Okay. Fine. At least that meant he won't rush off to deal with Quirrell himself. Which begged the question: "Where did Moody go?"

Snape sighed. "To call the Headmaster, that would be my bet."

"But—"

"Not here," he whispered furiously into my hair, echoing Mad-Eye.

God. This was such a mess; it seemed I hadn't thought it through at all. He hitched me higher against his chest, and I clutched at his neck. I wanted to go home. "I'm sorry."

By the time Moody came back, Snape had stopped pacing and sat us in the hard-backed visitor's chair. With Moody came a square-jawed, middle-aged woman, with close cropped grey hair, who looked curiously at me through her monocle.

Madam Bones. She introduced herself to me in a booming voice that had me cringing back into Severus and herded us out and down the hall to her office. This one was three times the size, with several comfortable chairs and even a couch. Lavishly decorated with the same opulent flair present in the Ministry's entrance, it was dominated by a large hearth. She bade us sit, which Snape did with me on his lap, and offered us tea from a set that magically appeared on her desk. Severus declined for both of us. Then she asked me to repeat the whole story, listening with attention.

Similar to Moody, her first question was why I had not relayed any of this to Snape. I answered the same, my voice sounding childlike and scared to my own ears. Sadly, I wasn't faking it. Being scrutinized by the witch had me quaking in my boots, and I tried as unobtrusively as possible to meld myself into Snape.

She turned her attention to Severus. Had he noticed anything strange about Quirrell? Was the turban explained in any way? What did he know of Quirrell's trip the year before? Had Quirrell been known to him as a Death Eater? What was his impression on my 'story', could they trust it? After all, I've only been with him for a week. Where was my mother?

Severus a.k.a. Super Bat Spy was unperturbed throughout this interrogation. I learned that my mother was a Muggle whose identity was none of their business. I yawned, wondering if it was bedtime already. The sleep schedule he had set me on Poppy's insistence never deviated by a second and had my body well trained by now.

"Where is Albus Dumbledore?" Amelia Bones asked him, her eyes on me. The question woke me up better than her booming voice ever could.

"You will have to ask Minerva. She will be the one that keeps track of his whereabouts, I have enough work to be bothered." Snape jiggled his knees, shaking me into a better position. "Especially now with his very active namesake here."

She went off to God knows where, leaving Moody behind as guard. Neither of the men spoke, glaring daggers at each other. Moody took up position next to the golden hearth, watching Snape with something of a dare in his beady eye. I was suddenly very glad I hadn't accepted candy from him if this was how he treated Severus. After a long uncomfortable silence, Snape abruptly stood to drop me on the couch.

"Don't leave me!" I cried.

"I'm not going anywhere—"

"I'd say you're not," Moody scoffed from his spot next to the Floo, looking ready to tackle Severus if he dared try to pass him.

"—I need to walk and you are heavy," Snape said, ignoring the interruption.

Heavy! I needed to keep him happy with me, so I kept my tongue in check and refrained from kicking his ankles. I don't know why he insisted telling others I bite, kicking was my thing.

With Madam Bones came two Unspeakables. An elderly couple of Indian descent, who looked like they could be someone's favourite grandparents, smiled kindly at me.

I had to repeat my whole story.

I did not care one whit how kind they looked. Unspeakables were supposed to be the smartest witches and wizards around, and I was a bloody fake. I had read all about Unspeakables doing unspeakable things, knowing everything about everyone. What if they figured out that I was an Insert? They'd dissect me! I answered their questions while hiding behind Snape, clutching at his robe and chewing my thumbnail. When they had sucked me dry of all my knowledge about Quirrell, his companion and Horcruxes, they asked me the mother of all questions.

"Are you Albus Dumbledore?"

As I dealt with my stuttering heart, trying to remember how to pronounce the word 'no', the Floo flared high and green.

"Good evening, Amelia, Mr. and Mrs. Patel," Dumbledore said from within the fire before turning to twinkle at us. "I see you've found our wayward youngster, Severus. What is this about?"

"Perhaps you'd like to step through, Professor," Amelia said. "This is not something we can discuss through an unsecured Floo."

Dumbledore did so, dusting specks of ash from his dark robe, and I got a good view of how I must have looked that first day. All flowing silver hair and twinkling eyes behind gold-rimmed spectacles, he looked like the answer to all your magical needs. And old as dust. The idea of having to age like that again made my stomach twist into knots. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I had anything against being old, I just wanted to reach there in my own time, and not be jumped ahead by 70 plus years.

His mere presence seemed to satisfy the Unspeakables, for neither of the two asked him if he was himself. (I lost quite a bit of respect for them all, right there.) They asked me to repeat everything. Again. For Minerva/Dumbledore who was going to kill me dead. This was too much.

"I don't want to!" I wailed, unable to stop myself from bursting into tears. "I want to go home!"

"Severus?" Dumbledore twinkled. "Perhaps you would like to enlighten me."

He did just that while I clutched at his leg, hindering his ability to pace. For some strange reason, he let me be. He was probably feeling done with me. No, if he was done with me, he would have pried me off. There must still be hope. This thought made me sniffle more, and I stuck my face into his robe, the familiar smell of herbs and magic strangely comforting.

Things escalated from there. A simple plan was made to catch Quirrell while the students were at dinner.

The consensus was that Snape might be trusted—Dumbledore insisted where Moody was vociferous against, the Unspeakables declined to offer an opinion, and Amelia Bones just sighed. In the end, they were not going to take any chances, and he would stay here where he could be watched.

Minerva was Floo-called to help coordinate, Dumbledore's upper body disappearing through the flames. It looked very comedic, us looking at his butt, and I would definitely have laughed any other time. As it was, my stomach was twisting in on itself. How would we get Minerva to come when Minerva was already here? It was all going to come out in the wash and we were going to be sent straight to Azkaban! Voldemort will take over the world and—and—Dumbledore stood back, and Minerva stepped out of the Floo.

My jaw dropped. "What the fu—" Severus scooped me up and gave me a warning pinch.

Miss Nymphadora Tonks was brought in to watch us. All green hair and happy smiles, she clearly didn't mind not being told what was going on. They must have trusted Snape more than I thought, putting a trainee on the watch. If my memory served me correctly, she had just finished school the year before.

"Oh aren't you a cutie, I could eat you right up!" she squealed on seeing me.

Gah! What was it with witches! Remembering the witch in Diagon Alley with her pinching, I hissed, "If you touch me, I'll bite!"

"Behave!" Snape ordered in a needlessly sharp tone, and made me apologise.

Way to overreact. It's not as if I had bitten anyone yet, and I wouldn't even have thought of it if he hadn't put it out there. I sent him my best glare and stomped off to go sulk on the couch.

Moody, Bones, Headmaster Dumbledore, and Minerva set off to the school. They were simply going to call Quirrell to the Headmaster's Office and nab him there. See? Easy peasy, and that's why it was better to go to the authorities with this kind of thing.

As the Unspeakables left to figure out how to separate Quirrell from his evil companion, Tonks brought us dinner, sticking her head through the Floo to order it from somewhere. It appeared minutes later on the large desk, replacing the tea set, the fragrant steam immediately setting my mouth to water.

Her idea of a suitable meal was crispy fried, beer battered Fish and Chips, which Severus curled his top lip at and ignored. He went back to pacing the room, robes swirling magnificently at each turn. I did not need any encouragement to eat my plate clean and neither did Tonks, who happily inhaled his portion also, slathered in vinegar and ketchup.

The Magical Swat team took an awfully long time, and once my stomach was full, I started to be concerned about the two Minervas's safety. Snape was still ignoring me, and I sat curled up on the couch, hugging my knees, all the better to worry.

If it came down to them having to fight Quirrell, who would win?

It seemed like hours had passed before the hearth flared again. Madam Bones stepped through alone, looking harried.

"He suspected something and disappeared," she informed Snape who had stopped mid stride, Tonks looking curiously on. "We've sent the students to their dormitories. The damned castle will be searched top to bottom!" she thundered, and asked Tonks if Severus had made any communication to the outside. This raised her to the top of my shit list.

They thought he was still in the castle, though, and she had come back for reinforcements. Amelia left and not a minute later marched back with five burly wizards, all looking extremely capable and ready for action. They made haste to the Floo.

A thought occurred to me while she was out, and I was not happy about it.

There was no reason to search the castle physically when I had the means to do it faster. The map burned a hole in my pajama shirt's pocket. It was mine! If I gave it up, I would never see it again! Oh God. Snape was going to kill me.

Suffering from indecision, I let them all pass through the Floo, and Madam Bones was seconds away from throwing the sparkly powder and stepping through herself before I spoke up. "I know how to find him!"

She swung about. "Excuse me?"

I cringed away from her stern glare, decidedly avoiding looking at Severus, and whimpered: "I know how to find him?"

The parchment was still activated from when I had swiped it from the twins. The three of them had gathered around me where I kneeled on a chair next to the desk, with the map spread out. Tonks breathed an awed 'Wow.'

"Your son is full of surprises, Snape," Amelia said when I demonstrated how to zoom in and out, fingers trembling.

"Isn't he just. Where exactly did you say you got this, Albus?" he asked me, sounding strangely exhausted.

I hadn't. I still couldn't bear to look at him. "I found it on a desk?"

"Like you 'found' the cloak?"

Better to be quiet. I pinched my lips closed.

She Floo'd away with the map and Severus went back to pacing while Tonks dug out a wizarding chess set to amuse me with. For a while I was distracted by the fun of killing my pawns and watching as my little queen tried to pull her hair out at every disastrous move—magic was amazing!—but I soon tired of it.

I wanted my bed and I wanted Snape not to be angry at me. I left her to go tug at his black robes, wordlessly raising my arms for a pick up in the age-old toddler signal. Sadly I think he only did it because Tonks was present. To make sure he didn't drop me on the couch, I clutched myself to him like a monkey and wound my arms tight around his neck.

"Don't be mad," I whispered in his ear.

"What else are you hiding from me?"

"It's only to keep you safe! Don't be mad!"

"Why do you think I am so upset, Albus?"

"I'm not sure."

Snape tugged me back to look at my face, and this time I did not hide from him. He blew out a harsh breath. "I believe you. When we get home we will have a long talk about who should be keeping who safe in this family."

Family?

"What else are you hiding from me?" he repeated, this time with less ire. "Do you have a flying carpet stashed somewhere?"

"I don't like flying."

They could not find Quirrell.

When I started yawning, Tonks brought forth a pillow and soft wool blanket, and I needed no encouragement to take a nap on the couch. Well, I honestly tried. Wizards kept going in and out of the office in a seemingly never-ending stream, the flare of the Floo keeping me from falling into a deeper sleep.

One time I woke startled from a furious babble of voices, someone asking Dumbledore to explain why there was a Cerberus in a school full of children. I only managed to sleep again when I remembered I wouldn't have to do the explaining.

Then it was Moody shouting at Snape that he must know what his master was up to.

"Former Master!" Snaped shouted back.

"Where is he hiding?"

Severus stepped out through the Floo with Moody in tow to help search, and Tonks had to restrain me from following. Rushing after me, she grabbed me millimeters from the still orange flames, swinging me up into her arms and away.

"You'll burn!"

"Lemme go!"

"I can't, Albus! It's no place for a little kid!"

"They'll die!" I flailed like a windmill and shouted at her. Later I would be surprised she hadn't dropped me on my head. Especially after I bit her. "Lemme go!"

"No one will die, I promise you," Tonks soothed, holding me tight. "Shh. They'll be back before you know it."

"No they won't!"

"Yes they will. Hush."

I think she walked me back to sleep, but I prefer to blank that part out, thank you. There might have been singing.

Somewhere in the middle of the night Snape did come back, a spider web tangled in his greasy hair, shaking me awake.

"Albus. Is there anywhere in the school that you can think he might be?" Severus asked, Moody a fiercely frowning guard at his back.

Exhaustion had finally won and it was too late to think straight. I slapped his bothering hands away. "Did you try the chambers?"

"Which chambers?"

"The secret one, Daddy, let me sleep."

They revived me with a potion that tasted of nail clippings and salt. It had me jittering on the couch, my whole body vibrating with unspent energy. My brain worked overtime. If Quirrell wasn't on the map, he was either long gone or on a spot that didn't show. And I only knew of one such a place: Salazar Slytherin's secret chambers.

I made up a story on how I had followed Quirrell to Myrtle's bathroom where he had disappeared down a hole. Under Snape's dark glare, I elaborated on how I spent an afternoon talking to Myrtle, learning all about the founder's secret hidey hole.

I should have been a nervous, crying wreck from the amount of lies I had to make up on the spot, but the potion searing through my little body afforded me with electric courage.

When I remembered to warn them of the Basilisk, Snape turned nearly apoplectic with rage, sputtering dire consequences as soon as we reached home. Tonks stood wide-eyed with her hands over her mouth. Moody in turn listened quietly, his blue orb twirling in dizzying spirals, a thoughtful look on his scarred face.

"We will be having a long talk when we get home," Snape threatened again as if I hadn't memorised it by heart already.

"Okay, Daddy!" I jumped up on the couch. What the fuck was in that potion? I had never felt so energized. I jumped up and down, my glasses hopping on my itty bitty nose, the couch making a great trampoline.

"Get Harry to open the tap," I told them between jumps, "he can speak parsley!"

They left me to Tonks's tender loving care while they went off to fetch some roosters. Snape knew just where to find them, he had said with a dour face.

I spent the next hour jumping on couches and speeding up and down the deserted hallway until I ran out of steam. Then wished the floor would swallow me whole. Did I really say parsley? Surely I must have misremembered… Oh God, I'll never be able to look anyone of them in the eye again! (Later Snape would say that that was the moment Moody stopped wondering if I was Albus Dumbledore, and I would pretend it was done quite on purpose, thank you very much.)

A very frazzled Tonks gave me warm milk and put me back to bed on the couch. She transfigured a soft Teddy Bear for me to hug, it's fur as green as her hair, and sang me to sleep. What? It's not as if I could stop her.

When I woke again it was all over and Severus was carrying me home.

"Are you mad?"

"Grey hair, Albus."

I threw my arms around his neck and on impulse gave his cheek a wet smooch, just happy that he was alive. "Everyone gets grey hair, you can't be sure it's from me."

We stepped through the swirling Floo, and out into my office where we found Dumbledore behind the desk, sagging over a cup of tea. "If I never drink Polyjuice again it will be too soon," he said. "Tea, Severus?"

"Breakfast will start in half an hour."

"Ah yes. Let the day begin."

"You cannot stop now, you'll need to talk to the students."

"Yes. And to countless parents and the School Board, the rest of the Wizengamot and probably Rita Skeeter."

"Cancel your classes, we can tell them you went to inform Quirrell's family," Severus suggested. "Or let the seventh years take over."

"I'll cancel some, for the most I think the Time Turner will be enough." Dumbledore sighed. "Poppy took Harry to the Infirmary. Last I saw myself, I was talking to Argus. We will have to brick that bathroom up before the Weasley twins start offering guided tours. If you see me, kindly tell me four more turns ought to do it and to take the afternoon off."

Throughout their discussion, I kept as quiet as a mouse and pretended to have fallen asleep. The last thing I wanted was Minerva's attention to turn to me.

Severus carried me out of the office, down the spiraling stairs and past the ugly gargoyle before he spoke. "You're a chicken, Albus."

"She'll get to me soon enough."

"That she will."

I sighed and settled more comfortably in his grip while he strode purposeful down the hall.

"I bit Tonks."

"That will be another apology letter then."

I slept through the morning. After breakfast, Severus had dropped me off in the Infirmary for a tired Poppy to babysit, while around us classes continued as usual.

"Please can I go dooown, Poppy," I moaned after she gave me lunch. "It's boring here."

"Thank you, Albus. There's nothing wrong with being bored. In fact, we've had enough excitement to last us the year. You'll stay right where you are until Severus come to fetch you."

Fine. I would wait for her to turn her back and slip away.

"Don't you dare! Do I need to stick you to the bed?"

"How'd you know!"

"It does not take a mind reader, dear."

"You didn't see Harry sneak off."

"I let him. His little friends can help him much better than lying in bed would."

"Being down will help me better—" I started complaining snippily when her magic swirled around me, and I felt myself stick to the sheets. "Aargh!"

"Would you like a book to read, dear?" the witch asked me sweetly.

"Please."

They came for me at four. The bell announcing end of classes still echoing faintly through the ward. Severus, Minerva and Poppy.

"Let's have a little talk, Albus," Minerva said.

"I'm very sorry!"

Severus took the lead. "Just how long have you known that we had a Basilisk under the school, right under the students—a Basilisk, Albus!—had it never crossed your tiny little mind that we would be interested in this fact? Explain yourself!"

I was ready for this. I had nearly twelve hours to think up a story. "What would you have done with the information? Have every adventurous student run off on a wild goose-chase?" Yes, I know. The irony. "Let them dig a thousand holes?" An adult voice might have given me a bit more authority to get them to swallow my story but I had stubborness in spades to make up for sounding like a mosquito. "For all I knew, it was dead, since we haven't heard it in fifty years! It is not as if any of us could open it, Severus. Keeping it to myself was the right decision, and I stand by it."

That was the last word I got in edgewise. Minerva took her turn. I played the 'I knew best' card whenever pushed for an explanation. Oh they didn't like that at all, but what could they do?

Once they had stopped their collective and individual scolding sessions and I had dried my tears, they told me all of it over a nice cup of tea.

The Aurors hadn't wanted to blast a hole in a building full of kids (sensible) and had brought Harry Potter to open the tap just like I had said to do.

"Parsley," Severus coughed into his teacup, setting the women off into peals of laughter.

"I was sleepy!"

Still thinking themselves sensible, they had kept Harry in the bathroom with Myrtle and the two Unspeakables, wanting him ready and available if he needed to go down to deal with more doors.

"You should just have Obliviated him and sent him back to bed," I told Minerva, picking cookie crumbs off my lap.

"We don't do that to students, Albus," Minerva said with pursed lips.

What Harry had to deal with instead was Quirrell who had successfully evaded four Professors—Poppy having insisted on joining—and seven Aurors. Quirrell had his own invisibility cloak (according to Poppy, there had been a sale), and he ran. The bathroom was where he met his downfall. By then Myrtle had been crying and splashing up a storm. He had not accounted for Myrtle's wet tiles, and skidded, sliding slap-bang into Harry Potter.

Who naturally tried to help him up, no-one having had the forethought to tell the poor kid that they were after his Defence of the Dark Arts Professor.

Cue barbeq—uhm yes, the hapless Quirinus Quirrell burned just like in the books, and they would never find out if he had been a willing participant in all of it or any.

That was luckily not the end of the story. The Unspeakables were there to catch the escaping soul fragment and did their job with aplomb.

Meanwhile, back in the chambers the roosters killed the Basilisk, leaving everybody free to start devising up ways to kill me.

That was so unfair?! I deserved a medal!

The End.

Or not.