Robin carefully picked the lock on Flannel Man's door and eased it open.
"We're in the kitchen," a female voice called out.
Robin dispensed with trying to sneak in and closed it behind him.
"Hi Burt," Xander greets him as he flips pancakes at the stove.
"Why do you always call me that?" Robin asked, having tried and failed to figure out the joke.
Ace burst out laughing, reading the joke in Xander's mind and wondering where he'd seen such a campy show making fun of Batman. "He's never going to get it."
"Not unless he jumps realities or becomes a telepath," Xander agreed, setting out a plate for Robin. "So, what brings you by?"
"Batman has picked up a new protégé and I need advice on how to deal with her," Robin admitted, digging into the food Flannel Man had provided. "Someone tried to turn her into a weapon, teaching her nothing but how to fight, not even sign language skills."
Ace's eyes widened and she felt the static that was Xander's mental shields, meaning he knew something but wasn't willing to share for some reason.
"And what do you need my help with?" Xander asked.
"I'm not sure how to help her or even how to relate," Robin admitted. "This is so far outside my frame of reference it might as well be written in Egyptian Hieroglyphs."
"And you think it's in mine?" Xander asked.
Robin swallowed and took a drink of milk before replying, "I think you specialize in out of the box thinking and could give me some tips."
Xander nodded and joined them at the table. "Batman will eventually realize that he'll have to have a telepath give her the language skills she needs and then will have to retrain her because her skills are based on reading people in a way she'll no longer be able to do."
Robin just stared at Xander in shock.
"You blue screened him," Ace pointed out.
"With just that?" Xander asked in surprise.
"Just?" Robin asked in disbelief. "I was looking for thoughts on how I could get along with her, not… what needs to happen to fix her and what will have to happen to help her with problems that will result from that."
"Oh, that's easy," Xander replied. "It's kinda like dealing with a telepath, fighting against thinking things just makes the thoughts louder. Relax and let your body speak for you. Be relaxed and welcoming. Don't tense up."
"That's partially helpful," Robin said as he tried to force his body to relax with some success only to tense up a moment later and have to start again, "I'm a very private person."
"She'll be able to tell you're trying and it'll make all the difference in the world," Xander assured him.
"She can already read all the sex thoughts," Ace assured the young superhero, "so don't worry about it."
Robin groaned and thumped his head against the table.
"That's what he was worried about?" Xander asked Ace, surprised.
"Most people aren't as uninhibited as you," Ace reminded him, "you don't worry and dwell on things as much."
"How can I not dwell on… having the thoughts I do, thanks to hormones, being read when I don't intend them to?" Robin explained, not quite sure if that was what he meant, as he found the whole subject confusing and embarrassing.
"People think about sex all the time, with everyone and thing in sight," Ace assured him. "It's a continual process like checking the temperature for most people. Do I need a jacket or is it warm enough right now? Do I feel horny and what can I hump that is present? It's a continual subconscious hum that I learned to tune out."
"But what if it's an embarrassing thought like…" Robin's thoughts plowed to a stop and he tried to come up with something less embarrassing than what he'd just pictured.
"Flannel Man tying me up and using his Rod of Justice to put me back on the straight and narrow?" Ace asked, trying not to laugh while Xander almost sprayed milk before he could get it under control.
"Um… yeah," Robin admitted, feeling a bit guilty for providing a thought that might make things awkward between them.
Xander wiped tears of laughter from his eyes. "That was a good one. Rod of justice. The girls will get a kick out of that one."
"Yes, you did make Xander consider sex with me, and his brain went down the whole pros and cons checklist, which he didn't dwell on, dismissing it and deciding the appropriate way to show me affection was a hug and kiss on the forehead," she explained with a broad smile.
"Probably harder with someone his own age," Robin offered, visibly relieved he hadn't screwed things up between the two.
Ace looked at Xander and got a quick nod as permission to reveal some of his normal thought processes. "Every person who enters Xander's presence is run through a checklist, one that includes killing and eating," Ace explained.
"Eating?" Robin asked in disbelief.
"I was possessed by an animal spirit for a while, it leaves a mark," Xander assured him, unconcerned.
"It's also not as uncommon a thought as he thinks," Ace told Robin. "One of your first thoughts on entering here was how to disable us and some sex thoughts comparing the both of us for suitability."
"Um," Robin tensed up.
"Very few humans don't think that way," Ace assured him. "Every single person you have ever met has had that response when they met you. The only reason a telepath would even mention this is for the entertainment value."
"Entertainment value?" Robin asked, confused.
"Making people uncomfortable is very entertaining," Ace admitted, "and can really help put people off their game."
"In other words the new bat won't care about what places your mind goes, but will about how you act," Xander assured him. "If you let yourself relax and open up around her, she'll respond to your conscious decisions and not all the subconscious stuff the human animal thinks all the time."
"I think I can handle that," Robin said thoughtfully as he forced himself to relax and considered their words. "I kinda feel better in general," he decided, "I'd always worried I was a bit too… inhuman before, always weighing the people around me."
"Trust me, you are not only normal, but pretty repressed," Ace assured him.
"Bring her cookies," Xander told Robin. "Cookies are very hard to misinterpret as anything but welcoming."
"I think I'll do that," Robin said, getting up and putting his dishes in the sink.
After Robin had left Ace grinned. "Are you really going to paint it gold and do a Rod of Justice joke on someone?"
"Not sure, but probably," Xander admitted, "I just need the right body paint."
"What were you hiding about the new bat?" she asked curiously.
"Possible ID and future," Xander admitted. "Not sure how things will go, but I don't want to jinx things for her."
"Sorry if I peak in your mind too much, but it's just so fascinating," Ace apologized. "It's… unique and welcoming."
"Its fine," Xander assured her, "Just watch out for the dangerous bits and keep the secrets, secret. Ready to go to Central City?"
"Ready," Ace said excitedly, snatching up her mask and putting it on.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
"Captain Cold," Xander greeted Captain Cold as he entered the bar.
"Flannel Man," the villain replied, leaning back against the wall with a leg on the seat in a cast and half his face covered in bruises. "Picked up a sidekick?" he asked, wanting to verify the latest rumors.
"They're true," Ace replied, responding to his thoughts and a bit surprised at the extent of Captain Cold's contacts in Gotham.
"What happened?" Xander asked, as the pair slid into the booth across from him.
"Bit of a tussle with a gang looking to expand into Central City, I had to dissuade them," he replied with a grin.
"Crack or full on break?" Xander asked as he pulling out the kryptonite blaster and checked the settings.
"Just short of a full-on break, I should be back on my feet in a number of weeks," Cold replied. "That looks like one of the government issue blasters for the meta-human response squad."
"It is, I've just changed the power source," Xander replied. "Where is the crack?"
"Halfway up my shin," Captain Cold replied, curious about what Flannel Man was going to do.
Xander took careful aim and a ray of bright blue energy slammed into Cold's leg, making him wince for a moment as it pushed it into the padding of the seat.
"Heh, pain's faded," Cold noted. "Healing ray?"
Xander put away his ray gun. "Bingo."
"First time I've run across one that worked," Cold noted as he unbuckled the straps on his cast and cautiously tested his leg. "Nice work. Now, what brings you by?"
"I need a cold ray for Jane," Xander explained.
"Jane?"
"Lumber Jane," Ace said with a grin.
Captain Cold laughed. "You have way too much fun with the cape set. Pretty sure there are laws against at least half the things you do."
"Probably," Xander readily agreed. "Now, about that cold gun?"
"Standard freeze ray?" Cold asked.
"I was thinking something low powered, so she wouldn't need to worry about running out of juice in the middle of battle or having to break people out of ice. Slow ray, rather than freeze," he explained.
"Price range?" Cold asked.
"I'm willing to pay for quality," Xander assured him. "Something she could smack people with and not worry about breaking it."
"How hard would it be to get me a healing ray?" Cold asked slyly.
"Strictly rogue use, kept on the down low?" Xander countered.
Cold grinned. "Of course."
Xander reached into his pocket and pulled out a small blue crystal the size of a nickel and slid it across the table. "Similar energy profile to kryptonite, this little baby will last years of moderate use and can be slotted into any energy blaster with little effort."
"Its worth a bit more than just a cold gun," Ace said, "but this isn't about money, is it?"
"They're good people and keep assholes out of town," Xander replied. "Keeping the Rogues on top of things helps everyone."
"Better the devil you know," Captain Cold agreed with a smile as he pocketed the crystal.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
Ace whipped out her Canadian themed 'Molasses ray' and zapped the two thugs in front of her, causing them to shiver and their movement to slow. By the time Xander had finished with his opponents, she'd laid them both out with her axe handle and had rolled them for cash and valuables. She froze up as she realized what she'd done and was worried about Xander's response, but he just laughed.
"Rolling them for cash is acceptable," he assured her. "As long as it's not evidence of a crime, you can keep their lunch money." He piled the thugs, who'd been harassing and mugging passersby, near the curb so the police could pick them up.
"This is a lot like my normal job," Ace said as they waited for the police, "at least the bits where we're protecting our territory from other crooks."
"Yep," Xander agreed.
"I hadn't realized how much both sides had in common," Ace said thoughtfully, "but in some ways they are just villains with better PR who prey on a different group for things other than money."
"A bit of a cynical view, but not too far off," Xander agreed.
"I think there are philosophical differences that go a bit deeper than that," a deep voice offered from the shadows of the alley, startling the two and making Ace jump.
"I'm a practical kinda guy," Xander replied, "I try not to get too deep into things."
"How do you do that?" Ace demanded. "I didn't even sense you approach!"
"Training," Batman replied as he stepped out of the shadows. "Would you happen to know why my new ward pinned another to the wall and made out with him with no warning?"
Xander looked at Batman and considered the matter. "I guess she liked the cookies."
"Cookies were involved," he agreed, "However that doesn't explain the… energetic response. I hadn't expected such behavior based on what I understood of her psychology."
"She doesn't do subtle," Ace offered as she picked through Xander's thoughts on the matter, "she makes a decision and goes for it, no second guessing or hesitation and Robin managed to get through to her so she understood what kind of guy he was."
"And pinning him down beforehand?" Batman asked, realizing Ace was speaking for Xander, the active use of her power making her feel more secure in his presence.
"Huh," Ace said as she examined Xander's thoughts. "Robin would feel like he was taking advantage of her because of his overdeveloped sense of duty, so demonstrating she wasn't helpless and could make her own decisions is her way of putting him at ease."
"That… fits the facts," Batman conceded as he considered the matter. "How sure are you that telepathic intervention is needed to help her adjust to society?"
"Static, he's blocking me," Ace said, with a slight pout.
Xander smiled at her before speaking to Batman. "You might be able to get away with using magic to substitute for telepathy, but the solution remains the same. She'll have to give up her 'gift' to join the world we all live in. There's no other way."
"You know a lot of things I can't figure out how you know," Ace said, "its like there's some sort of disconnect between the knowledge and the source."
"Reality is kinda complicated," Xander said.
After a few seconds of waiting Ace asked, "That's it? Reality is kinda complicated?"
"Do you really want several hours of confusing explanations that may make you doubt everything you think you know?" Xander asked.
"'Reality is kinda complicated' it is," Ace said cheerfully. "Where'd Batman go?" she asked as she turned to talk to him and realized he had vanished.
"Waited for us to get distracted so he could sneak off," Xander replied. "It's a bit childish, but if I spent years training my ass off to learn ninja skills, I'd use them every chance I could as well."
"I think he just likes to freak people out," Ace said, "but I can't read him, so who really knows."
A couple of police cars pulled up to the curb to collect their statements and felons.
"You'd think being a telepath would make it easier to understand people," Ace said once the police had left.
"That would require people understanding themselves," Xander told her. "Now, do you want deep philosophical discussion or pizza?"
"Pizza," Ace said firmly.
"You gain wisdom," Xander said with a smile.
"I can't tell if you're being serious or not," Ace complained.
"It's more like half and half," Xander told her, "reality shouldn't be taken too seriously, it's designed to be enjoyed."
"Are you being wise or full of shit right now?" Ace asked.
"The answer is usually both," he assured her. "Now, enough questions, let's go eat."
"Suits," she agreed, resolving to figure it out later.
Typing by: Abyssal Angel