Hi guys back with an update thanks for all the love on this story, I hope you've all had a lovely Christmas if you celebrate it. :)
Chapter 15
Lucas pulled the car up outside Haley's family home. 'Nate…' He expelled in a soft breath just waiting for his brother to snap at him. It had been a week since he'd told him what had being going on with Haley and Nathan's form only seemed to be getting worse, he was like a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.
'Luke now's not really the time…' Nathan began, they'd travelled down from New York together and he hadn't said a word to him and now he was choosing to talk about this situation when they were parked outside Haley's house.
'No I know I was just going to say give it a few days with Haley, I know you want to end it but ending it won't make things go back to the way they were.'
'I've had weeks to think about it Lucas nothing has changed.'
Lucas just shook his head; his brother was so damn stubborn or else too scared to really admit what was going on. Something had changed, he could see it so clearly now. The two of them almost jumped out of their seats when they felt a thumping against the window on the driver's side. It was Haley.
Nathan couldn't help but smile at her scrunching her nose up at the pair of them sitting there. Not a second later Nathan had opened the door on his side as Haley ran around and practically jumped into his arms her legs wrapping around him, his whole body hummed contentedly as he held her tightly. 'God I've missed you so much.' He said breathing in the delicious magnolia scent of her shampoo.
Haley felt the tears prickling her eyes but she held them in as she felt his much larger frame envelop her smaller one, it felt so right here like this, she had yearned for this moment. As scared as she was of her feelings she couldn't deny the longing inside of her either. She breathed in his musky scent, so inherently Nathan and she felt so content in that moment.
Meanwhile Lucas watched the pair curiously, holding onto each other much longer than habitual for them, even the way Nathan's hand stroked through her hair as her legs gripped his waist. He wondered how he hadn't spotted the subtle changes before or was it so gradual that even they themselves were so oblivious to it. Lucas got out of the jeep then clearing his throat finally breaking the pair apart. Haley slid out of Nathan's embrace a little awkwardly as she looked back at Lucas, suddenly very aware that they weren't alone and she was forgetting their place in all of this. Best friends.
'Hey Luke.' She mustered up as casually as she could as she gave him a friendly hug.
'How's your dad?'
'He's good he's up and walking more now.'
'That's great Hales.'
'You coming in?' She motioned towards the house.
'I'm actually not staying but tell Jimmy I'll call over; I take it your coming to see The Honorary Title tonight?'
'Wouldn't miss it.' Haley smiled.
'I'll see you guys later.'
'Bye Luke.' Nathan said as he walked around casually taking Haley's hand as he walked up the front porch with her. They walked into the house together stepping into their small living room.
'Hi Mr. James.' Nathan said at Haley's dad who was sitting on the couch making a disgusted face at the carrots and hummus that had obviously being left for him.
'Nice to see you around here son although I was expecting you sooner to take her back with you.'
Haley just shook her head at him.
Nathan chuckled. 'I think I'd have to move my company here before Haley would come back. How are you doing?'
'Fine now that you're here I might have something decent to eat.'
'Dad you need more food like this, you can't just go back to how you were eating.' Haley said shaking her head at him not surprised, they'd been having this same squabble every day.
'Still a bacon sandwich would be nice…will have one Nate one of the days over the holidays.'
'Sure…' He began only pausing when he caught Haley's glare.
'There will be no bacon sandwiches in this house.'
'But Hales….' Nathan began to reason.
'No.' She chirped, no room for argument.
'I'm sure one would be fine…'
'See darling…' Jimmy said siding with Nathan
'Here have a carrot…' Haley said shoving one of the carrots into Nathan's mouth effectively shutting him up. 'Show dad how nice they are.' She said sending Nathan her best do as I say look.
Nathan pulled it out grimacing at her. 'Ugh…'
'See tastes just like bacon doesn't it…' Jimmy grumbled.
Nathan couldn't help but chuckle as he sat down beside Haley's father. 'So what game are we watching?'
She smiled despite herself watching the familiar scene in front of her not realising how much she needed it.
'Please don't tell me you've been like this since I left.' Nathan said as he walked out onto Haley's front porch. He'd stayed for over an hour watching the match with Jimmy and keeping him company while Haley left them to it. He had missed her though, missed being close to her and found himself questioning how needy he had gotten since they were apart.
'How else do you expect me to be Nathan? He's on a programme now he needs to follow it..'
'One bacon sandwich…'
'Do you hear yourself?' She scoffed. 'This is exactly why he wanted you here.'
Nathan smiled. 'I'm just thinking I'm sure he is finding it really tough right now and maybe a little bit of what he enjoys might be nice for him.'
Haley sighed softly. 'I know just….'
'You're worried.' He supplied for her as she nodded.
'I hate to break it you Haley but your dad has to begin to look after himself too it's not your job, you're not going to be here every minute to see if he's shoving those dry ass carrots into his mouth.'
'My carrots aren't dry.'
'I didn't appreciate it by the way you shoving that in my mouth.'
'Shut you up didn't it.' She teased him.
Nathan just crossed his eyes at her playfully as he walked over her watching Haley catch onto the glint in his eye. She went to duck underneath him but he boxed her in against the wall and began tickling her ribs. 'What did you say Hales?' He teased her playfully.
She was giggling uncontrollably now, her breathing staggering. 'Naathan…pl….ease…stop..'
'Say it…' He paused a little before he began his attack again laughing alongside her as she squirmed so hard against him, it never worked she was just too small..
'Sorry….' She squealed out breathing heavy as she finally stopped, she was completely flustered her hair disarray around her face.
'I don't think one measly carrot warranted a full-on attack.' She said trying to catch her breath.
Nathan just chuckled as he fixed her hair noticing how long it had gotten since he'd seen her last.
She was suddenly very aware of his husky laugh and the feel of his hands caressing her hair, glancing up into his blue eyes she caught the pensive look on his face, his hot breath mingling in with hers, god she wanted to kiss him so badly.
He was losing himself in her again, drowning in her beautiful brown eyes, his hand that had been caressing her hair slowly moved toward her jawline rubbing his thumb softly across it he heard her breath hitch in her throat at such an action and he smiled softly at her before he leant in capturing her lips so gently at first, both adjusting to the feel of each other again, both relinquishing to the yearning within them, he groaned as Haley pushed for more sliding her tongue against his lips into his mouth wrapping it against his so seductively and teasingly.
Haley felt him pushing himself against her so fully she could feel all of him and god she didn't think she could want him anymore than she did in that moment, the ache in her stomach was almost painful at this stage. Pulling back from the kiss breathless Haley whimpered as he pressed his body against hers, she was backed so hard against the wall she could feel it prickling into her back.
'I want you so bad…' Nathan mumbled as he rested his forehead against hers, their breathing staggered. He was trying to quell the yearning inside of him but it was just so overpowering. Pushing away from her completely Nathan rested his hands on his tips attempting to calm himself, he caught the confusion on her face. 'I just…..If we go any further I won't be able to stop.' He said his breathing ragged.
Haley nodded in understanding as she straightened herself out. She wanted to talk to him about them, now seemed like the perfect time and yet as she stared at him all her courage left her. She found herself afraid, afraid he'd wonder why she was even questioning their situation in the first place when he just said he wanted her, clearly for sex. So he still wanted this but she didn't know if she could go on anymore, if there was any possibility for her to fall out of love with him and save their friendship she needed to end this and distance herself from him entirely.
But that thought in itself was excruciating. And that's why she wanted to put this conversation off for as long as she could. It was stupid she knew; she was only delaying the pain maybe even making it worse.
'Hales…' Nathan prompted then catching her staring at him but not really looking at him either.
'Hmm…what?' Haley said his voice breaking her out of her thoughts.
'I better go I told Lucas I'd catch up with him and the guys at the river court but I'll see you tonight?'
'Sure.' She said feeling rather shy all of a sudden as he came towards her. He left a soft kiss on her cheek smiling so sweetly at her before he pulled away.
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'So did you do it?' Lucas said casually as he slid into the chair at the bar beside Nathan. He had expected to see Nathan at the river court earlier but he'd never showed so Lucas figured maybe he had actually had the chat with Haley.
Nathan rolled his eyes trying not to snap at his brother. He knew Lucas was only trying to help but telling him had obviously being a big mistake. It was only adding to his frustration over all of this, he'd had three weeks away from Haley and he still couldn't get a handle on his emotions. Actually it's like they'd only skyrocketed since he'd actually seen her this morning and he was battling with what he knew he needed to and what he didn't want to do. He knew he had to end this messy benefitting situation between them and yet he didn't want to. He didn't want it to end he realised that and he was pissed with himself because of that. He should be able to end it. It shouldn't be this hard, it wasn't supposed to be.
'Are you taking some time…'
'Jesus Christ Luke.' Nathan interrupted him then. 'You're worse than Brooke you know that, stay out of it!'
'I'm only trying to help and don't diss my girlfriend.'
'Oh that's what you're finally calling her these days.' Nathan spat at him.
Lucas crossed his eyes. 'You're one to talk!'
'What's that supposed to mean?' Nathan said as he stood up from his chair and shoved him.
'Hit a nerve Nate…' Lucas couldn't help it; he knew he shouldn't push him like this but god he was asking for it. He was getting so fed up of his surly attitude.
Nathan shoved him roughly back into the high table behind him.
'Hey…' Haley came up to the boys looking on completely surprised. 'What the hell is going on with you two?'
'It's nothing…' Lucas said holding his hands up. 'We're just fooling around.'
'Didn't seem like nothing.' Haley scolded them, she actually felt like she was in sophomore year again when the two brothers used to be at this all the time.
'It's nothing.' Nathan repeated cutting her off and Haley looked at him rather surprised by his venomous tone.
'Luke can you give us a sec?'
'Sure, you should talk to her Nate.' He said sweetly.
Nathan stepped forward again only Haley rested her palm against his chest halting him. 'What happened? You've being jumpy since you left me earlier….' She reasoned softly.
'Lucas is just being a dick that's all…' Nathan gritted out.
'Well is it anything I can talk to him about?' She said trying to reason with him feeling rather confused, Nathan just seemed to be so volatile tonight; she'd sensed it off him immediately and it only seemed to be getting worse. She couldn't think of a single thing that had set him off unless something had happened back in New York.
Nathan wanted to laugh. Yea you. His mind taunted him. He glanced down at the concern pooling in her brown eyes and he felt horrible. He hated being like this; completely victimised by his emotions. Nathan sighed, he knew Lucas was right and he was all over the place, he couldn't help it; the conflicting emotions arising in him; both battling with ending this thing with Haley and not actually being able to were really beginning to bother him.
He was always so level-headed, he made a decision, clear-cut that was it. It had always been that way. Until now. Now his brain just felt like complete and utter mush and as he looked at her it only seemed to become even more opaque. He wanted to be near her but once again found himself conflicted; staying away from her would be better for his cause which was to convince himself that everything was normal but the longing to be with her was quickly overriding every little rational thought and justification inside his mind.
He was usually able to keep a lid on it but right now he just felt like he couldn't control a damn thing. 'No….I'm sorry….'
'You don't need to apologise I want to know what's bothering you.'
'It's just Lucas being annoying as usual…' He said lamely and watched her expression sink a little; a clear sign she knew he wasn't entirely truthful. 'Come on let's go watch the band.'
Haley joined Peyton and Brooke dancing sighing softly to herself as the moment Nathan brought her over there he'd gone from her again, what was going on with him? She'd hadn't seen him for weeks and he was just completely distancing himself from her.
'You might wanna keep your mouth shut Haley is catching on.' Nathan warned Lucas as he came up to him, he was leaning against the bar watching the band. Lucas shook his head at Nathan. 'Nathan everyone is going to start catching on if you don't pull yourself together look at you…'
Nathan sighed; he knew there was an element of truth in Lucas' words. 'I don't know what to say to her….' He began to admit.
'How's Haley doing?' Jake said as he approached the two at the bar catching the surprised look on both of their faces. Jake had been away in San Francisco with the company so Nathan hadn't seen him for two weeks, he didn't even know he was around Tree Hill for the holidays.
'Better now.' Nathan replied not really knowing what else to say. The ball was in Jake's court, he was the one who sort of dropped off from socialising with everyone.
'I'm actually surprised you stayed away that long.' Jake commented rather rudely.
'What that's supposed to mean?' Nathan said a little edgy.
Lucas cursed inwardly, considering how prickly Nathan was now was so not the time for Jake's smart comments which he himself was surprised by, what was with this night?
'Nothing…just where Haley's concerned you're usually joined at the hip that's all ..' Jake mused rather drunkenly.
'What the hell is your problem?' Nathan wondered. 'You've being a dick for weeks Jake so if you have problem out with it.'
'Nathan you need to calm down.' Lucas elbowed him.
Jake just smirked as he glanced back at the girls. 'Haley sure does look fine in that little dress.' He goaded Nathan.
'You dumped her Jagelski remember?' Nathan said not sure what the fuck he was getting at now.
'Yea I'd say that was around about the time that you fucked her.' Jake spat at him watching Nathan's whole face just freeze over.
Lucas almost spat out his drink and Nathan felt his blood run cold.
'Wh….what?' He stumbled pathetically.
Jake just chuckled. 'And you two thought you were being discreet….tell me when did it start Nathan before or after I came to you for advice?' Jake said looking at him disdainfully.
'Jake…' Nathan started not even knowing what to say now. 'We didn't….'
'Don't lie to me I saw you!' Jake said as he shoved into him spilling some of his liquor down Nathan's shirt in the process.
'Woah ok….' Lucas said stepping between them knowing this was about to get nasty. 'Now is not the time Jake.'
'You knew didn't you?' He cut to Lucas then. 'I can see it all over your face.'
'I only found out.' Lucas said.
'So it's true you have been fucking her?'
'Jake it's not what you think…' Nathan began.
Jake just scoffed. 'You know…you I expect it from.' He said cuttingly. 'But Haley she's got to be feeling pretty used now giving it up to you…'
'Screw you.' Nathan bit then feeling all his remorse swirl into anger.
'No clearly that's your job always had a thing for virgins didn't you Nate…' Jake began before he was pummelled to the ground as Nathan punched him in the jaw feeling all the vexation simmering inside of him explode.
The girls turned hearing the eruption break out behind them.
'Oh god…' Peyton let out as she noticed it and Haley looked on is disbelief as Nathan practically pummelled into Jake on the floor.
'Hey….' Haley shouted as she came over towards them, she'd never seen him beat on a guy like that before.
'Stop…come on.' Lucas tried pulling Nathan off receiving a few elbows in the side before he eventually pulled him back gripping onto him harshly. 'Cut it out both of you.' He fumed as Jake went to lay into him again only for Haley stepping in between.
'What the hell is going on?' She cried out in disbelief.
'Oh we were just getting a few things out in the open…' Jake said swiping the blood from his lip.
Haley swallowed hard as she caught the look of contempt of his face; the flecks of disappointment in his eyes inescapable.
'Jake…' Haley began hesitantly. She swallowed hard not even knowing what to say fully aware of Nathan standing behind her with Lucas holding him back and Peyton beside them.
But he spoke before she even had the chance. 'Seen as we're sharing all our secrets it's about time I told you some of mine…huh Nate?' Jake said so calmly. Haley crossed her eyes at him feeling very confused. What the hell was going on?
'I think we should go outside and just cool off.' Peyton reasoned as she tried to grab onto Jake.
'There's just one more thing I have to say.' Jake said.
'Jake….' Nathan's voice warned him now as he stepped in front of Haley. She caught a look pass between them..,'Well would one of you like to tell me what the hell is going on?' She said harshly then fed up on this game of tennis that seemed to be ensuing between them.
For the first time all night Nathan backed down from him, let his defences drop as he practically silently plead with him not to go there. Jake was staring him down; he knew exactly the power he held in that moment. Nathan felt it, everything shifting on its axis like it did that very day Lydia had found him in the graveyard, he had been presented with a choice and he took the one he selfishly needed at the time, burying it ever since so deep within the gravel and he had promised himself he would never think about it again. Yet lately it seemed to be unleashing itself, like a root growing out of the ground destined to destroy and unravel.
Haley, like Lucas now glanced between the two of them with growing impatience.
'I'm not the only one who was lied to.' Jake gritted out as he looked at Haley.
'Jake stop it.' Nathan warned.
'You want to know what really happened about Stanford Haley why don't you ask your best friend here?' He snapped.
And automatically as always, she immediately became defensive of Nathan. She could see the hurt on his face, the way Jake was tormenting him. 'You need to stop.' Haley said to Jake then. 'We hurt you, I hurt you I get it and I'm sorry but this isn't the way to go about it.'
'You don't believe me…. ask your mom Haley..'
'Ok you've said enough.' Peyton gritted out then angrily this time seeing how much this was hurting Haley as she pulled Jake away.
Her mom, what had her mom to do with this? 'Nathan…' Her voice shuddered with a dreadful anticipation that clung on to his despair. When he glanced her way she gasped, his face was full on anguish and it only served to panic her.
'Hales…' His voice was shaky and raspy.
'What was he talking about?' She clipped out then as her dread turned to impatient anger.
'We can't do this here…'
'You tell me right now Nathan…'
There was a gaping silence in the air between them, it seemed to linger forever, their friendship at one end of that line and its destruction at the other.
'You did get into Stanford Haley but…..' He spoke quietly, hesitantly his tone void of any emotion and yet his face was flittered with fear.
'But what….' Her tone was ice cold, like he'd never heard it before, ever and he caught her gaze again he found her once speckled hazel brown eyes were black like the night. He felt that look inside every part of him. 'Your mum….she…she wanted them to detract the offer and I helped her.'
Her once impatient anger turned to hurtful indignation as she shoved him incredibly harshly. 'How could you?' she cried out completely uncaring to the few people that were amongst where the scene was taking place. 'Oh my god…' She brought her shaking hand to her lips as everything around her turned to dust, the once level ground she stood on, the past as she knew it was laced with lies and betrayal and her present was only an extension of that.
And so she fled.
Nathan went to bolt after her before feeling two pairs of hands pulling him back and grabbing onto him again. 'Lucas what the hell?' He shouted through pure adrenaline.
'Give her some time you need to calm down.' Lucas gritted out annoyed when Nathan continuously bucked against him.
'Let me go this is Haley man.'
Lucas grimaced in pain as Nathan kneed him in the side before bolting it out of there.
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He was gasping, his legs tightening in pain as he came to a halt in front of her porch, adrenaline had carried him all the way there and he caught the look of shock on her face at his form but that wasn't what almost sent him crumbling to the floor, no, he could see the makeup smeared on her eyes as she wiped them harshly not wanting him to know how truly broken she was but he had broken her, he could see it.
'Hales..' He rasped out between breaths feeling like he could choke at any given moment.
'No I can't….' She sobbed as she turned away from him. 'I can't even look at you.' She spat at him hatefully as she went to put the key in the door. But her hands were shaking too much and her efforts proved futile. 'Dammit.' She shouted as she whacked her hand harshly against the door.
Nathan grimaced as he cautiously walked closer to her giving her a moment as she placed in the lock again trying to calm her shivering form and turned the key successfully.
'Please just me let explain..' He pleaded with her as he raced in behind her then pushing the door when she pulled it back on him. 'Haley please…'
'Let you explain?' She bellowed as she turned on him just as she was about to mount the stairs. Even with her make up smeared, teardrops dotting her dress she was a beautiful mess. It made his heart ache. 'You lied to me for 4 years and now you want ME to let YOU explain.' She cried as she turned on him again going up the stairs to her old bedroom. He was hot on her heels again as he followed her into her room, the fact that she was running away from him into her old bedroom and him chasing after her only added an air of aching nostalgia to their current situation.
'Haley I made a mistake ok..'
'A mistake…' She scoffed as she hazardously dropped her clutch bag onto her bed. 'A mistake Nathan is forgetting we had dinner reservations….as mistake is me choosing to believe that pinky promise we made years ago actually meant something.' She spewed bitterly. 'You lied to me and what's worse is you've done it for years…' She said standing a few steps away from him as she crossed her arms protectively across herself.
'At the time it felt like the right thing to do.' He admitted despondently.
Haley leaned back against her dresser; her previous rage replaced now with the crestfallen realisation of what lay ahead for them. 'And what about after that huh? What about all those nights I came to you wondering how I'd so narrowly missed out my dreams…you knew Nathan, you dreamt it with me ever since we were kids.' She caught his eyes then with those words and he glanced away from her, it was too much. Her disappointment was too much to bare. 'God and this whole time.' She broke down then as the words falling from her mouth were too much for her to even comprehend.
Nathan stepped into her room fully then. 'Haley I was vulnerable ok, I just lost my mom, I was in a very dark place….Lydia she told me she felt it in her heart Stanford wasn't right for you, she was afraid you would go and leave us all behind and wouldn't be happy there.'
'Do you even hear yourself right now?' Haley choked out. 'what happened to me and you against them? God Nathan she always tried to control my life; she still does…she never wanted me to go there….'
'Maybe….maybe that was why you wanted to go because she didn't want you to…' Nathan panicked trying to grasp at anything to make this situation better.
'No….No…' Haley cried out. 'You don't get to do that not now, don't throw this back on me to justify your lie.'
'I'm not Haley…I'm so sorry.' Nathan said pathetically then and he felt the heavy emotion of despair take hold of him. A sense of abandoned hope crawled inside of him and it was even more dreadful than he ever could have imagined it been.
'I can't believe you've lied this whole time…' She said feeling so sick at the thought as the tears slowly trailed down her cheeks. 'What else have you lied about?'
'Nothing….Haley please you've got to believe me.' He pleaded desperately with her then seeking to kill the dreadful despair that was simmering inside of him. He had to find a way out of this. 'I was selfish ok, I was afraid of losing you, I just lost my mom Hales and I know that doesn't make this right but when Lydia came to me and said that I just held onto It I couldn't imagine my life the next year without you in it.'
'But that wasn't your decision to make..'
'I know...' Nathan said remorsefully.
'God Nathan I always knew you were selfish….but never with me.' She got out through tears. 'That's one of the things I love about you….growing up you were never selfish with me.' She choked out regretfully.
He felt his eyes fill with tears and he tried to blink them away, but he was struggling to hold back the emotion any longer, it was too heavy, it was screaming to be heard, it was consuming him like it was her. The tears threatened to escape him then as the mistakes of the past felt like two hands clinging onto his throat ready to suffocate him full.
Because what she loved about him wasn't true, he had been ruthlessly selfish with her and the way he treated her these past few months only stood as a testament to that very fact.
'I know you lost your mom but you should have told me how you were feeling, you held me back with you and now because of it I'm the miserable one.' She glanced at him then and felt a piece of her heart break at the desolate boy standing before her, there weren't many times in their lives she had seen Nathan like this, maybe only once…and it took everything in her not to throw herself in his arms. And that hurt even more, despite what he'd done, despite the lies, it killed her to see him on the verge of tears. There she was simmering on the edge of despair and anger again but her fury was the only thing that would stop her from seeking to comfort him. Her fury was the only thing that would distance her and she needed to distance herself from him completely.
She loved him; she was so desperately in love with him but now it just felt completely tainted.
How could it be that her heart was completely broken before she'd even said those words out loud?
'Don't say that.' Nathan pleaded as he wiped at his eyes and looked down towards the ground, she knew he hated anyone to see him get upset, even her. It just wasn't him.
'What? That's why you got so mad at me that night in Italy right?' She bellowed then. 'It all makes sense now….you got so angry with me about that New York comment, you wanted me to be happy to ease your own guilt.'
'I always want you to be happy Haley.' Nathan looked up at her then, tear tracks finally escaping him and she couldn't bear to look at him.
'God it all makes sense now…' Haley let out a sigh as she ran her hand through her mass of blonde hair and peeled herself from the dresser. 'You were spiralling so bad….'
He knew what she was talking about, the days after Karen's death were a haze to him now, he couldn't even remember, all he knew was that he had been in the depths of darkness and it was as if Lydia had offered him a way out.
'I was so worried about you and then you just went back to normal….how could I not have seen it?' Nathan didn't even know if Haley was talking to him anymore or if she was battling with her own thoughts. She shook her head despondently as all the pieces of a puzzle she hadn't even realised was broken were finally being put together.
'It's because I had you..' Nathan croaked out then through teary eyes. 'I've always had you.'
Their eyes met with that realisation. 'Yea…' Haley agreed disheartened. He didn't waste another second as he pulled her into his chest then holding her tightly, breathing in her sweet scent. 'I'm so sorry, I can't ever lose you.' He whispered brokenly and she felt his arms grip her even tighter as those words fell from his mouth.
'But what about trust?'
Those words had the cold seeping into his bones again as she pushed away slightly grieved from how weak she had been just falling into his arms like that. 'Did you not trust in our friendship enough to know that we were stronger than it all? Because I did.' Haley said. 'I knew that even if we were miles apart you would still always have me…'
'Of course I did but I couldn't physically be without you Haley don't you understand that?'
'And that makes this right?'
He was fighting a losing battle, he knew it. 'No of course not, it doesn't make this right….but I was 18 ok and at the time it felt like the right thing to do.'
'I'm such an idiot.' Haley mumbled.
'Please don't say that.' Nathan reached out for her again but she took a step away from him as she stared out her bedroom window into the black of the night.
' I'm a dreamer right, you said you loved that about me and you took it from me.'
The tears were escaping from his eye ducts again and he couldn't even cower away from her. Not this time, not when he felt her slipping away from him, every part of her. 'Haley please, we can figure this out I know we can…'
'Yea..' Haley said sarcastically. 'Me and you against them and look how that turned out, who knew you had actually made a deal with the devil all along.'
'Haley please I love you.' Nathan softly pleaded with her his voice full of emotion, so raw, unlike she'd ever heard before.
'You need to leave.' She choked out turning to face him then.
'I can't do that..' Nathan said as he took a step closer to her and she stepped back again.
'Nathan please..' She said again.
'No Haley you don't understand….' He choked out. 'I've been holding this in for a really long time…I'm….I'm….in love with you….' He emphasised stirringly.
Silence fell between them, everything seemed to hold still as his words hung in the air.
But not the heartfelt kind of silence, that should have followed such an admission. The silence was lamentable. Haley's tear stained eyes met his, so raw, so full of love it was tragic.
Why was he looking at her like this? 'Wh…what….take it back.' Haley panicked. What cruel twisted fate was this, he couldn't possibly be..? he just couldn't, her mind raced with all those times she looked for a sign that things were changing for him as much as they were for her and she'd never found it, he just couldn't possibly be in love with her…
'I can't …' Nathan said so vulnerably
'You can't say that to me not now after everything…' Haley took another step back afraid to be so close to him. Afraid of everything he was stirring up inside of her in that moment, she tried so desperately to cling to the lie that existed between them, anything to stop him from breaking through his betrayal.
'Haley I know you've felt it change between us…that last night in New Jersey….' Nathan began only she cut him short as she bellowed out.
'Stop.' Haley cried refusing to let him break her like this. He was the one that lied and so she retaliated knowing exactly where to hit him the hardest. 'You promised me nothing would change….you promised Nathan.' She said shakily then. 'Your just full of lies.'
Her words were met with a very painful silence.
. 'Haley please….' He tried to grab onto her but she brushed past him so fast, the slightest touch had his whole body but quivering and aching to hold her close. She opened her bedroom door holding it open. 'You need to go please…' Her breathing was hard, he could tell she was fighting back more tears.
'Haley I don't want to go.' He said brokenly.
Haley turned around her eyes glistening with regret. 'I can't do this anymore. ' She held his eyes emphasising the meaning her words before she left herself.
XXXXX
Haley stirred out of her sleep groggily peeling her body off the bed, her eyes felt dried up, raw and painfully sore from crying herself to sleep. She wasn't sure what time it was her body had evidently gave up and succumbed to the emotional exhaustion of last night. She grimaced as she looked at herself in the mirror. She felt the pain slicing through her just thinking of him. Thinking of it all. Stanford. The lies. Their friendship. His confession.
He was in love with her. She let the warmth from that seep inside of her before quickly pushing it out.
Nathan he couldn't be in love with her….he was just confused, part of her wondered would he even have said it had she not found out about Stanford? And it really pained her to think that because despite the lies, despite how hurt she was she was so in love with him she just couldn't put her heart on the line like that not now and not like this.
Haley sighed as she heard rummaging in the kitchen downstairs, she glanced at her phone to the side of the bed before reluctantly picking it up noticing a realm of missed calls from Peyton, some worried messages, a text from Lucas and nothing from Nathan. She wasn't sure if she disappointed or relived by that. She wasn't sure of anything anymore.
'Oh honey what happened?' Lydia said concerned as her youngest daughter came into the kitchen in a plain grey t-shirt with jeans, her blonde locks tossed into a messy bun and there was no mistaking her puffy bloodshot eyes. 'Did you and Nathan have a fight?' She cajoled softly wondering what had her this way, the image strikingly similar to how she was as a kid after they would argue.
Haley scoffed at that laughing rather cuttingly which shocked her mother. 'Me and Nathan are over mom its done.' She said so evenly it was actually beginning to freak Lydia out.
'What happened honey?'
Haley bit her tongue, her soothing voice only serving to irritate her further given recent confessions and there was that anger again inside of her arising from their betrayal. And she couldn't keep it in anymore, she was so taken aback by the fact Nathan had lied last night and then by his admission she hadn't even had time to comprehend how the Stanford thing had even come to fruition.
'Well you see last night I found out that the person I trust most in the world has actually being lying to me for years….' Haley said as she grabbed the carton of orange juice from the fridge filling her glass, her back turned to her mother.
It didn't seem to click with that Lydia. 'Haley I'm sure it wasn't as serious as…'
'I know about Stanford mom.' Haley said before she turned to face her watching her mother's face drop with the realisation in the same sickening way Nathan's had. 'Yea pretty serious don't you think?' She sniped out angrily.
'Oh Haley….'
'No..' Haley said. 'You don't get to do this, not now, I don't want to hear your excuses I just want to know why.' She said, her eyes welling up again and she couldn't understand how there were any more tears left to leave her body.
'Honey please don't blame him….'
'You're both at fault…'
'I was doing it for you…' Lydia said softly then trying to diffuse the tension in the room.
Haley sighed. 'For years you told me not to pursue that school because I had a slim chance of getting in and then I actually get in and you kept that from me, you led me to believe that I was wrong all along to believe I actually had a chance.' Haley said sickly.
'Honey its only because you were 17 and you were young, naïve and maybe didn't know what was actually best for you, I always thought you'd be better off going to college with your friends….it was never about you not being worthy enough, you've always being worthy….'
Haley scoffed. 'But it made me feel like I wasn't worthy…..you know how crushing that was being rejected when I worked so hard, god mum you don't know what that did to me but how could you? It was never about me was it, it was always about you….it's always being about you.' Haley cried out hating herself for crying again right now. She turned away from her mum then wiping her eyes.
'I only want what is best for you honey….'
'At what cost mom?...' Haley said so tired of it all. 'Everything I've done has always being to keep you happy, to keep you off my back…god …'
'What are you talking about?'
'Nathan….mom I'm talking about Nathan we're not even a real couple, it all one huge fat lie' Haley said, the words just unleashing from her mouth now like she had no control over them anymore. She heard her mom gasp and she couldn't stop it. 'I did it all for you…to keep you happy because every time I'm home you remind me of what I don't have, the career, the boyfriend and I see that look in your eyes like you're disappointed…..and I couldn't take it anymore I just wanted you to be happy and not worry or maybe I didn't want you to look at me that way anymore and now because of you I'm in lo…' Haley stopped herself then choking back the words with her sobs realising what she was just about to admit and she stopped herself watching as her mom's eyes filled with tears. She looked both shocked and incredibly upset at her daughter's revelation. There were no words to say, she was completely lost for words.
Realising she had already said to much Haley began to leave the kitchen only halting momentarily as her mother called out to her, she could hear the cracks in her voice as though she was on the verge of tears herself. 'Honey, I am sorry for a lot of things but please don't push Nathan away, this isn't his fault, please don't take this out on him.'
Nathan blew out a breath feeling his heart thud in his chest as he knocked on the door even the knock itself felt heavy and filled with dread. He didn't even know what he was going to say, all he knew was he had to see her, to make sure she was ok. He'd barely slept a wink, tossed and turned on the couch at home all night, he'd even dragged himself to the beach in the early hours of the morning just sitting there. He couldn't even remember that now, it's like his body was moving but he wasn't really there at all. He felt void, numb ad deeply detached from everything around him.
Lydia opened the door for him and he noticed her visibly gasp at his appearance, he hadn't even looked at himself but if he looked half as broken as he felt he wasn't purely surprised by her reaction. No words are passed between them and he hated in that moment how they seem to be so connected by the heaviness of their hearts, of that mistake they made.
'I think you should wait out here.' Lydia says softly, there was no hardness in her words just caution and Nathan had never felt so unwelcome in somewhere so familiar to him ever since the tender age of 7.
Lydia sighed sadly taken in his appearance standing there in jeans, a white t-shirt with a grey jacket throwing over it messily, his hair all matt, his eyes as puffy as her daughter's. Haley came down the stairs then catching onto the look on her mother's face immediately.
'Please just talk to him honey, whatever about me just make it right with him.' She said softly worried for her daughter.
Haley stepped outside then her heart clenching tightly in her chest at the sight of him. She just wanted to wrap herself up in him but she couldn't.
'Hey…' Nathan croaks out, his voice raw like her own suffocating with the emotion of the night before. His shyness only had her craving to reach out for him even more and despite how unkempt he appeared; he was still so devastatingly handsome. 'Nathan….' Haley warned softly ringing her hands together in front of her.
Nathan caught onto her tone immediately, she didn't want him here, it was too soon. He could hear it in her voice and he could see it in her actions now, she couldn't even look at him. But he continued despite her reluctance. 'Haley we need to…'
'There's nothing more to say I told you I can't.' She halted him immediately as her eyes met his, her defiance burning bright.
'You can't what…' Nathan couldn't help but snap and he heard her gasp at his audacity to be snappy with her given the way they had left things. 'You can't talk to me…you can't look at me…'
'I can't be around you.' Haley snapped back as she walked to the end of the porch creating distance between them.
'Haley…' He attempted then softening his tone a little as the watched her cross her arms over herself.
'It's just too hard…' She said the sorrow so evident in her tone.
Nathan stepped towards her but she put her hands up signalling him off and he hated that. 'I meant what I said…..every word.' He added on softly his heart aching even further as one solitary tear escaped down her cheek.
'I just…..this is a lot to process Nathan…I've just found out everything I ever thought I knew was a complete lie…' Haley said still looking away from him, she couldn't look at him she didn't trust herself to keep the distance when her body craved him so bad.
'Not everything.' Nathan said trying to gauge her reaction but she was cowering away from him completely. 'You believe me don't you?' He questioned softly.
'I believe your sorry….' She said sadly as she glanced into his eyes then. 'But I think you're confused Nathan…'
Those words only served to irritate him. 'I'm not confused..dammit Haley' He bit out. 'I'm not confused Haley…. you know things have changed between us, I'm not the only one ..'
She glanced away from him then unable to look at his piercing gaze and he knew he had her 'Stop it…'
'Stop what…'
'This all of it….I can't do this right now Nathan I can't, hell for all I know you only said that because of what happened last night…'
'You know that's not true….' He retaliated shocked she could even think that, didn't she know him at all? it was such a big feat for him to even say that he was in love with her.
'Do I? because a lot of things I thought were true aren't…' Haley stood her ground then rather daringly.
'You can't hide behind the Stanford thing Haley….that's not going to make how you feel go away.'
'How I feel?' She scoffed. 'How would you know how I feel?'
He stepped closer to her then and for the life of her she knew she should have stepped away but she felt caught in some spell. 'I can feel it when I touch you..' He said softly as his hand brushed down her arm and sure enough the hairs rose everywhere, goose bumps prickling her body.
She almost melted into him. Almost. Until the chilling coldness seeped inside of her again, the coldness marred with lies and tainted with the act of what they had done; sleeping around. That's what it was. Sex It wasn't love, candlelit dinners, strolls alongside Brooklyn bridge or waiting, heart fluttering for text replies. It was sex. An agreement. Nothing less and nothing more.
'I guess that's what happens when you start sleeping with someone…' Haley briskly brushed him off both irritated and aroused by his close proximity, a dangerous combination.
'It's not being about sex for a long time Haley we both know that.' He said so rawly her heart actually fluttered.
'Nathan please…' She said then feeling herself a breaking point. 'I just need space…please just …'
He backed away from her then realising she was fighting off tears again, he knew he couldn't push her any further. But he had to explain himself, he couldn't have her holding onto the Stanford lie.
'I just think we need some time apart.' It killed her to say it but it was the truth if she was ever going to gain some clarity on this whole mess she needed time away from him
'Can you just let me explain about what happened…'
'Mom told me and truthfully I don't want to talk about it anymore Nathan.…'
Why did It feel like an end for them? 'Haley I still think we need to talk about it, about us…..'
'There's nothing more left to say….'
He swallowed harshly realising just maybe she actually didn't love him in the same way and he had made a massive error in telling her last night, maybe she never could love him in that way. Maybe she never would.
Haley heard him finally move away from her, his steps laden and heavy as he walked down their front porch before he called out for her. 'Hales…' She looked up despite her willingness not to her heart still fluttering in her chest at the image of him.
'I know I promised you nothing would change; it was naive and stupid of me…' He admitted sadly and she swallowed hard at his honesty, the emotional charge behind his words. 'I don't know when I fell in love with you, maybe I always have…I know I broke my promise but I never stood a chance did I?…Because it's you Haley and I guess it's always been you.' He admitted so emotionally and he turned away from her. And she let him go.