Chapter 13- "This Sh*t is knee deep…"
AN: Hey everyone I'm back with another chapter. Tip: every character in this story is from Naruto. If I gave them a name just google and you can see what they look it. I'm not that good with describing looks. Warning: sensitive subject of abortion ahead. if not for you skip and wait for the next chapter.
Hinata was meeting with Hidan about the up coming commercial. Handing him an envelope. "Here's your ticket, I ordered you a car to pick you up at six-fifteen in the morning. I'll be down Monday with the director." Hinata waved at the cigarette smoldering in her ashtray, then stubbed it out. 'Damn. This smoke smells nasty. They must be stale.'
The client was ecstatic with their improved sales figures from the first spots aired and ordered a new ad cycle in time for a late-summer debut. The client wanted Sasori, the flamboyant Hollywood darling, to direct again, even though his fees were killing their budget.
Hinata made it her mission to bring the numbers in line and stumbled onto a little-known island in the Caribbean as the site for the shoot. She negotiated rock-bottom hotel rates and got permit fees waived, earning her kudos from Hidan and the account execs.
"Did you look at the director's demo reel I left you?" Previewing samples was one of Hinata's favorite duties. "She's got great footage, zero attitude, and she's hungry. Her rate is dirt cheap."
"Remind me when I get back. It's after six and I've gotta pack. Ciao!"
'If I just sit here a minute I'll get a second wind.' Hinata still had marketing reports to read, but she'd been feeling queasy since she got a dirty dog from a street vendor for lunch. She rested her head on her folded arms. The drone of a vacuum cleaner woke her. Eight o'clock! Her limbs were leaden. 'I don't have time to be sick. I'll go home and come in at seven tomorrow.'
Hinata could hardly drag herself to the bus stop. She paused in front of a drugstore. 'Maybe I need vitamins.' The flowery window display caught her eye. "Feel Fresher, Longer, with Extra Protection." 'Maybe that's my problem. It's gotta be time for … When was my period due?' She rifled her bag for her cell phone to look at her calendar,
her pulse pounding like drum beats at her temples. 'Two weeks ago? April, May, June', she counted days in twenty-eights, all the way to the asterisk she made on the day she was due. She scrolled forward two weeks and stared at the days she had marked in red "Kiba Konoha Bar!"
Hinata hadn't seen Kiba since the week before his graduation. At the time she was on a tight postproduction deadline for the client so attending the ceremony was out of the question, but he drove up for a private commencement exercise. The evening he left he was quieter than usual. They talked a lot about the decisions he'd made for the short term, like moving back home and accepting an associate's position with his father's law Firm.
"You're father's a lawyer too?"
Even thought his parents weren't together his father always looked out for him and his sister. Parents were among Hinata's least favorite conversation topics, so she limited her questions regarding his.
"He was a judge for years, but a big firm offered him a partnership and he jumped at the bucks. I probably won't stay there long, but it's a check until I get on my feet." Then he had pulled her into his lap. "But I need your help."
"Whatever I can do …"
"It's what I'm gonna ask you not to do. Until July, I'll be cramming for the bar exam, or should I say exams, since I've decided to take both Konoha and New York."
'Konoha?' Hinata tried not to read too much into it. "How can I make it easier on you?"
"By not calling and understanding when I don't. Talking to you makes me want to be with you, and after I hang up, I'm hard-pressed to concentrate. I have to focus, Hinata. I'll make it up to you, as soon as I hand in my last test booklet. I promise."
Hinata understood sacrifice for a worthy goal, so as hard as it had been, she didn't phone, but she missed him, terribly. Missed his impromptu visits when they could both steal the time. Missed the way her heart fluttered as soon as she heard his voice on the phone. In odd moments, snatched from her chaotic days. She thought she was in love with Kiba. 'It's my job. I'm under a lot of stress. It has to be…' But she passed up the bus stop and went into a CVS and headed for the health aisle.
'You should be taking birth control not just relying on condoms. Plus there was that time we didn't use anything. But stress can disrupt the cycle, too.'
She assured herself that's all it was, left the CVS but as soon as she got home she started to worry. She googled and found a women's clinic close to the office. Twice an hour for the rest of the evening she trotted anxiously around the house. Hardly got any sleep. When the doors at the clinic opened she was waiting, took her test and the nurse said to call by the afternoon for results. By noon at the latest, I'll know.
Hinata wanted to rip the hands off the clock by ten-thirty. She chewed out the bell lady because she never had any grapefruit juice left when she got to the fifteenth floor. On her way back to her desk she ran into an assistant in the art department, who showed her storyboards he just finished for Luvs disposable diapers. 'Diapers.' She almost lost it looking at the cuddly, gurgling babies. 'I can't be … and popped into the ladies' room to splash water on her face, check for… Nothing. Stay busy. Hinata deposited her check at the bank, filed all the papers on her desk, and sharpened a box of pencils. Then it was time. 'I did what I was supposed to do. I was careful. No I wasn't, there was the one time. But it has to be negative.' She walked her fingers to the phone. "I'm calling for the results of …"
"… that test is positive. Would you like to make an appointment to see a doctor?"
Hinata felt like she was drowning. "Uh … I'll have to call back." She slammed down the phone. Positive. There's not a damn thing positive about this! She remembered her last weekend with Kiba, how happy she'd been. Now she wished it had been the day before, the week
after, not at all, but wishing on all the stars in the sky would not change the fact that she, Hinata Mitarashi, college graduate, good girl with a golden future, was knocked up. 'What am I gonna do? How am I gonna tell Kiba?' She wanted to speak to him at that moment. I can't tell him right before the bar. He's worried enough. She stumbled through the afternoon. On the way home she bought a cinnamon bun, a quart of ice cream, a roast beef sandwich, and a bag of potato chips. She dragged into her apartment, crawled into bed, and pulled the sheet over her head, feeling like a ticking bomb. 'I live in a sublet. Counting today's paycheck I'll have 110 dollars after rent and student loans. I can't have a baby. Can I? What if Kiba wants it? What if he doesn't? Do I?'
She decided to listen to the news instead of the voices in her head.
Bits of murder and mayhem came over the airwaves. My life could be worse. That didn't help. Hazy, hot, and humid. So what? "In sports, for the second day in a row, a run by colorful rookie Naruto 'The Fox in the Hat' Uzumaki boosted the Cubs past the Yanks." In the spring, when she'd read that the Cubs brought Naruto up, she had hoped this time it was for good. Right now, the idea of him swatting at a ball with a wooden pole in front of fifty thousand fans at Yankee Stadium just seemed crazy. 'As crazy as me being pregnant.'
The weekend passed in a haze of sleep, food, and agonizing self-torture. She dreamed about baby Sakura being giving away like garbage and Hitomi hugging her. In the middle of the night Hinata got up and stared at her face in the bathroom mirror, searching for traces of either Anko or Hiashi. 'They would be grandparents'. That was almost funny since neither one had been a parent to her. 'It'll have to be different, or what's the point?'
By late Sunday she'd made up her mind to tell Kiba a week from Wednesday, after the Konoha bar. 'We can talk it out then. What difference will a few days make?'
Things became even crazier for her when she found out Sasori couldn't make it to start filming because he was still on the set for another project he was working on. When she told Hidan he was livid.
"We'll sue him for every dime he even thinks about making!" Hidan rattled off a list of directors for her to call. "See who can get here tonight and how much it's gonna cost."
Sora posed at the door. "Heard the shit is knee deep. Care for a shovel?" Hinata shot him a lethal look, but she heard him snickering as he walked away. It took an hour to find out that nobody on Hidan's list was available. Her work on this spot wouldn't mean squat without a director. Hinata spied the card on her bulletin board. Hidan hadn't seen her work, but what choice did they have? Hinata had her reel rush messengered to the office.
Hidan went ballistic when she called him with the update. "Nobody knows this woman!"
"Look, we're past the twenty-four-hour cancellation on the talent, so we'll pay whether you shoot the ad or snapshots for your scrapbook. Fire me if I'm wrong, but do you have a better idea?"
"Get her demo reel for Kakuzu and get back to me," Hidan said.
"It's on the way."
Kakuzu was silent as Hinata ran the reel. When it was over she flicked on the lights. "We come in at budget if we run into delays. If we make this on schedule, we come in under and impress the client with how well we handle a crisis." Hinata took a breath. "I think her style is right for this project."
"And you have years in the business and your reputation to stand on, is that right?"
"I've got one year and my intuition, but I'll stand by my suggestion."
Followers are expendable huh? Okay. I'm leading. Kakuzu pushed his glasses on top of his head. "Have her here at one." 'Yes!' The delirium of the moment took Hinata's mind off her troubles.
Kakuzu called a meeting where we made Hinata the ringmaster. She had no time to plan what to say or to be scared. Hinata flattened her palms on the table and began her presentation. Hidan was on speaker phone, defending her judgment. The director showed up on time, laid out her vision of the commercial like she'd been contemplating this shoot for weeks By three-thirty Hinata and her find we're heading to the airport.
It was a tough six days in the tropics. Hinata was sick every morning, the client was edgy, and Hidan yelled more than usual, but when they got back and saw the raw film, Hinata's praises were sung on high. Karin treated her to dinner. Hinata almost broke down and told her secret, but she wouldn't discuss it with anyone before Kiba, and that talk was blessedly just two days away. Hinata spent most of Tuesday in postproduction meetings. When she answered her phone a little after five she figured it was legal returning her call.
"I didn't realize how much I missed you until now."
When she heard Kiba's voice Hinata wanted to cry and blurt out her news. 'Keep it together.' "I've been thinking about you all day."
"I wish I could say the same, but this test is a killer. I'm staying at the same hotel where the test is being given and I barely had the strength to ride the elevator to my room. But fortunately, there's only part two standing between you, me, and a happy reunion. Should I swing by the office tomorrow or see you at home?"
"Why don't we meet for a drink?" He'll probably need a lot of drinks. She wanted to start out on neutral territory. He resisted at first, but finally agreed to meet in the lobby bar.
"Five-thirty-ish. I can't wait to see you!"
At the dot of five on Wednesday Hinata was out the door. It was the first time in a year she'd left the office on time. She didn't know what to expect. Worse, she still didn't know what she wanted. It used to be clear as day that she was striving and sacrificing for her career, so she could excel and become someone her father would be proud to
claim, someone exactly the opposite of Anko. Pregnancy, love, marriage, they weren't part of the blueprint she had so carefully drafted. But then she thought of Kiba and let the traffic sign flash.
"Don't Walk," then "Walk" and back again before she remembered she had to put one foot in front of the other to cross the street. She wanted Kiba to take her hand and make her feel as close to him as she did when they talked in whispers and their bodies melted together. She tried not to taste how badly she wanted him to look at her with love in those fierce eyes. Is that …
"Hinata Mitarashi! I haven't seen you since Martha's Vineyard. How long has it been?" Tamaki gushed, looking like the reigning "Miss It." Tamaki was one of Ino and Ten Ten's friends she met that summer. She wasn't that nice so the fact she's acting like their old friends is laughable to her.
'What is he doing with her?'
"I can't believe it. Running into you right on the street. They do say Konoha is really a small place! You look sooo different!" Tamaki caught Hinata's eyes glued to Kiba. "I want you to meet my husband, Kiba Inuzuka. You didn't meet on the Vineyard that summer, did you?" Tamaki looked from one to the other, but nobody answered. "No, you were working for the congressman that summer. Kiba and I didn't meet until the next year anyway. He's an attorney in New York now. He's taking the Konoha bar so he can practice here, too. I thought I'd come up on the last day and surprised him since he's been working so hard! We got married right after his graduation and we haven't even taken a honeymoon yet!" She squeezed herself around Kiba's arm. "We'll fix that soon, isn't that right, honey?"
For a second Hinata's world stood still. There was no sound, no air, just enough time to, please, let it shift back on its axis and make what she thought was real be a cruel mirage.
"Uh…nice to meet you.. Hinata is it?" Kiba wore shades that masked his eyes. He looked just past her, down the street, put out his hand.
Hinata knew she would never forget this clammy handshake, because it infused every cell of her body with a hate like venom. 'He planned to meet me tonight, like nothing had changed.'
"What adorable earrings, Hinata." She had on the earrings Kiba gave her for Christmas. "They're just like the one's Kiba's Father's and I got for the secretaries at his firm last Christmas." So Kiba had given her secretarial leftovers and around Tamaki's neck was the necklace Hinata had helped him pick out for his "mother." Tamaki babbled a bit longer, about shopping for their new apartment, then she said something about getting together and nudged Kiba to give Hinata one of his cards. "Who knows. I'd really like to live in Konoha. That's why I pushed him to take the bar here, too."
Hinata wanted to rant and holler like she didn't have good sense. She wanted all the people passing know that Kiba was a straight up fuck boy, but what would that make her? Stupid enough not to know a snake when she saw one? Fool enough to get bitten?
"It was good to see you Tamaki. I'm meeting someone, so I've gotta run. Enjoy you stay." Saying good-bye was almost easy, like the poison had already numbered her inside.
All night Hinata sat up putting the pieces together. No time, the family holidays, "I love you, too." 'How big an idiot must the think I am?' By daybreak she tried to rid herself of any feelings for him and remembering those passionate embraces, the tiger eyed stares and she knew what she had to do.
'I can do this by myself.' In her mind she checked off all the decisions she'd made, situations she'd handled, without assistance, advice or support because she was no one's responsibility. She'd accepted that one night lying under a scratchy blanket in a group home before the Haruno's picked her up. She was so scared she trembled. She got through the night, and from then on she only ever counted on herself. 'Period it's my mess. I have to clean it up.'
Hinata got through the days by concentrating on work, but in the evening there were no distractions, and she felt her life slipping though her fingers. Like sand, it piled at her feet and threatened to bury her if she didn't reach out for somebody soon.
'Call her. Call Sakura.' There was not another soul Hinata had let in, even a little bit. Certainly no one at work. They were too new. Karin could never know Hinata had been this unforgivably stupid. And she had never trusted Tayuya or anybody else from school with her real, deep in the night feelings because she didn't expect them to understand. She was "Hinata the Invincible," with no visible chinks in her armor, and that was how she liked it. It had been years since she'd confided in Sakura, but she needed someone to talk to now, someone to hear how sorry she was how much this hurt.
"Well! Hello, stranger! What's going on?" Sakura said.
And the dam broke. Hinata blurted her story, choking back sobs so she could talk. Sakura listened in shocked silence. She had never heard Hinata so upset, not even when they were kids. Not ever. "What do you need? I can come get you now."
Hinata squeezed her eyes shut to hold back the tears. She wanted to be rescued from the torture of replaying in her mind what she was about to do. "No. Don't come now. It's late, and I know Sarada's asleep." 'Oh God. Sarada.' She couldn't think about those bright eyes, the little fingers reaching for her tassel at graduation, the warm body asleep in her arms. It made this too personal and it couldn't be. She felt weak asking this, but she had to. "Will you go with me Saturday? I know it's short notice, but …"
"Isn't there any other way?"
"Like what, Sakura? I've turned this around every way I know how, and I get the same answer. I can't have a baby now." A silence filled with "buts" and "ifs" and "shoulds" hung between them. "Look if you don't want to do it …"
"You know I'll be there. Momma can watch Sarada …"
"Please… don't tell her. Don't tell anybody!" Hinata felt so ashamed.
"I won't tell a soul. Get some rest, and I'll see you Saturday."
At eight-fifteen Saturday morning Sakura called in a panic. "Sasuke was supposed to get Momma last night, but he didn't get home 'til after midnight. He's gone to get her now. I'll meet you there as soon as I can. I'm so sorry, Hinata."
Hinata had been up and dressed since before dawn, sitting on the window seat fighting the urge to drink coffee, wanting a cigarette and tomorrow in the worst way.
Check-in, papers to sign, then waiting and pretending to flip through magazines. Hinata looked past her pages at the room full of people, sitting in neat rows of yellow and orange canvas waiting room chairs. It seemed everybody else had someone to wait with. Mothers perched like stick figures, unable to look at their fidgeting daughters. Hinata thought the guy wearing fitted jeans and a shirt looked too young to drive, but he clamped his girlfriend's hand in both of his. The girl's hair was slicked and fastened in a ponytail. She bounced nervously against the back of her chair, chewing gum, wiping a tear with the heel of her hand. Occasionally her boyfriend whispered words that brought a weak smile to her face. At least he's here. A toddler giggled in amusement as he removed pamphlets one at a time from the wall rack and let them flutter to the floor. When his father came to retrieve him he threw himself on the floor, rigid with anger, and hollered bloody murder. 'Get him out of here!' Hinata felt his screams like pins in her ears and dug her nails into her palms until they left crescent indentations. Finally the father hustled him out of the room. Sakura will get here in the next five minutes. She looked from her watch to the big clock on the wall. 'Ten max', but by the time Hinata heard her name called for the group counseling session, Sakura hadn't arrived, so she left word at the desk that someone would be coming for her and marched off with the others to a tiny room with big posters of female innards and birth control paraphernalia on the walls, to rap about what was going to happen.
'She'll be here when I get out. That's when I really need her.'
Hinata had tried to convince them counseling was unnecessary. "I was using condoms only. It was an accident. It will never happen again."
But it was policy. "We've found it's helpful to vent your feelings with women who know what you're going through." 'Right.'
For three endless hours she listened only enough to know when she was being spoken to and made up feelings when she was required to share some, because she was doing her damnedest not to have any. Yes, her boyfriend was supportive. Yes, the decision was hard, but they reached it together. 'Like I'm really gonna say the lousy, lying bastard got married to somebody he was engaged to the whole time he was fucking me. To somebody I know and don't even like. And I had to run into them on the street to find out, cause he didn't have the decency to tell me to my face. Worse, I might actually still love him. No, I don't need that much pity.'
Miru, the girl with the ponytail, sobbed and said she didn't want to do this, but her parents would throw her out if they knew, and she was scared her father would kill her boyfriend. The counselor comforted her, asked if she'd considered other options, if she wanted to think about this a while longer. Hinata stared at her knees because she couldn't bear Miru's sadness, too. Finally she settled down, said she wanted to go through with it. After the birth control show-and-tell the counselor handed out plaid smocks, paper slippers, and told them where to find lockers. When they were dressed they waited, and one by one they were called until only Hinata and Miru remained.
"Are you gonna be all right? You look real scared," Miru said.
That blew Hinata away since she was trying hard as she could not to be. "I'm fine."
"I saw you by yourself out there. Your boyfriend's comin' to get you, right?"
"Uh-huh." It was all she could manage, because her composure was slipping.
The counselor peeked in and called Hinata. Miru squeezed Hinata's hand. "You let him help you, okay? Don't try to handle this alone."
Hinata's paper slippers crackled as she shuffled behind the counselor, who led her to the procedure room. Two nurses tried to put her at ease.
One scurried about checking equipment and the other helped Hinata on the table, got her settled, patted her cheek with a warm, soft hand. Hinata fastened her eyes on the white-tile ceiling tried not to focus on the faces so they wouldn't be real, blocked out the sharp antiseptic smell, closed her lips tight so her teeth wouldn't chatter.
When the doctor arrived she was cordial and comforting, explained each move she made. But Hinata only nodded, repeated over and over in her head why there was no other choice right now, but as the vacuum hummed and she felt the tugging deep inside, she clapped her hand over her mouth to hold in the gasp not from the knot of pain, but from the profound loss. Logic fell away, and as tears flooded from her eyes she murmured, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
And when it was over the nurse with the warm hands helped her to a bed in recovery. Hinata clutched the pillow and lay there, drained and utterly empty. Moans and gentle crying from neighboring beds filtered into her consciousness as if she was at the end of a very long tunnel. She accepted a cup of apple juice offered by a gentle-voiced attendant who left a cellophane packet of peanut butter crackers on the bedside
table. Hinata had cramps, bad ones, but it hardly mattered. She just wanted to be steady enough to leave this place, to get out before Miru, so she wouldn't see there was no "he" to share this with.
'If I can get dressed, Sakura will take me home. I just wanna go home.'
She didn't know what she would say to Sakura about today, or if she could talk about it at all. She just needed a friendly face, a cup of tea, because this whole episode was so ugly. So Hinata pulled on her clothes with her last bit of energy. She glanced at a mirror, saw how lifeless she looked, and put on some lipgloss and blush so Sakura wouldn't be so worried.
When Hinata opened the waiting room door every head turned expectantly. The toddler slept in his stroller, Miru's boyfriend paced by the window, and Sakura wasn't there. Hinata asked at the desk if anyone had come looking for her or called to leave a message, but there wasn't any word so she sat in an orange chair near the door and waited, because she had to be on the way. 'She said she'd meet me. It's after one. She'll be here soon.' But by two she couldn't make any more excuses or sit still another second. 'What the hell am I waiting for? She's supposed to be here for me!'
At four-thirty Hinata's doorbell rang. She started not to answer, but she wanted to see her try and make this all right, because it wasn't. She'd planned to stay cool, but as soon as Sakura walked in Hinata went off.
"You didn't even call. Not the clinic, not here …"
"I couldn't get here, Hinata. Sasuke has …"
"What the hell made me think you'd be here when you went off and left your own damn father in the hospital 'cause Sasuke said'!"
"That's not fair! I tried…"
"Tried nothing! Shit, Sakura, it's four-thirty. I needed you this morning! I needed you to at least come get me! I stood up on the bus all the way home, but what the fuck do you care? You were probably out by your damn pool!"
Sakura recoiled, stung by Hinata's attack, but she instantly went on the offensive. "And if you were as perfect as you think you are, you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. Sasuke's right. You think you're better than me, but I had my baby." It was like Sakura took a knife to Hinata's belly, but she struck back despite the wound.
"Oh is that what Sasuke thinks? And I guess it's what you think, too, since you seem to have completely stopped thinking for yourself since you got Sasuke to do it for you! That's besides the fact you weren't going to tell anybody. I'd like to see where you'd be if you had Sarada alone. Maybe then you'd understand how babies end up being thrown away!"
"Well your mother threw you away and I begged Momma and Daddy to take you in."
"Thank you, Sakura! I've been in your debt since I was eleven, but you know what? We can call it even now, and since the debt's paid, you can get the hell out of my life!"
"Excuse me!" Sakura stared like Hinata was speaking in tongues. They looked at each other for a long moment. That used to be enough to say all that need be said, but not now.
"What's the point, Sakura? I'm not even sure I like you anymore, so let's not pretend." Hinata's voice was calm, relieved.
"So you can turn me off, just like a faucet?!"
"Call it what you want."
"Fine, 'cause I'm not sure I like you anymore either!"
Hinata's whole body shook after Sakura closed the door. She'd just dismissed her best friend, her sister, the last link to the first two decades of her life. And who was there now? Certainly not Kiba Inuzuka. Not only didn't he love her, but he was probably still laughing about just how dense she was to think he could. Like a stupid bitch … Anko's words came up in Hinata's throat like curdled milk, but she choked them down. 'No, this is different.' But then the horror of the afternoon and what she'd done, brought her to the present, and she doubled in pain from the cramps and rocked to quiet the howl she was sure would never end if she let it past her lips.
The next morning Hinata's whole body felt bruised, like she'd fought twelve rounds with Floyd Mayweather, but her head was clear. As of today, she was officially shutting the book on the first part of her life. Whatever came before was no longer open for comment or consideration, and the future was yet to be written.
And two Sundays later she sat in the middle of her bed, with a ham sandwich and a glass of champagne watching the Yankees play Chicago. Naruto had already hit a single and stolen a base. 'Guess he was right about the agent. Looks like he left the past behind, too.' But the game was incidental. She was waiting for the debut of her spot.
They'd pulled it off, on time, under budget, the client loved it, and none of it would have gone down this way without her. Suddenly people who barely nodded in the elevator stopped by Hinata's desk to talk. Sora couldn't find anything snide to say because he was too busy trying to save his ass since his client's commercial came in way over budget.
Kakuzu took Hinata to lunch and let her know the Client was impressed with her, big-time, and he had a test spot for her. It was strictly low-budget, for focus groups only, "But it's your baby." He made it clear his door was always open. If she kept working this hard, he was sure she'd be promoted to producer in the very near future.
Chicago was leading when they broke for commercial. When she saw the couple holding hands as they waded out of an aqua lagoon, she got goose bumps. In the thirty seconds it ran, Hinata got a rush bigger than she got from anything or anybody. People in New York, New Jersey Pennsylvania, and Konoha, were looking at it just like she was. And she'd made it happen. 'I can do this! I can be the best and nothing can stop me!'
AN: This was the end of the chapter. This was very emotional for me. The next chapter is going to be a time skip. Leave a comment. Thank you all for reading.
