Chapter 15.
Cas and Jules sat on Sam's bed, watching their documentary. From time to time, he noticed she was looking at him and he realised that, in order to notice that, he must be paying her more attention than the screen.
"We lost all the bees." she said, "In my world." she added, "And that was the beginning of the end for food production. Every time I see a bee here, I just remember how important they are."
"Sarah will give me a swarm next time she has one and we'll have bees here." he said.
"Good. There can never be too many bees. I hate the mistakes we made in our world."
"Ours nearly ended the same way, but we had the Winchesters." said Cas, "And now they can free your world too."
"What's left of it." said Jules.
He hesitated to respond. He wanted her to feel better, but was wary of encouraging her to change her mind and return to her world after it was saved. She looked very sad, though. "You'd be surprised what can return from dust and ashes." he said.
"You have, haven't you?" she said.
"Many times." he said.
"And you just keep on returning to the fight."
"Yes." he said.
"Pretty heroic."
"I've never been a hero. I've just known a few, present company included."
"I'm just a hunter."
"Dean says the same thing." he said. He looked at her face, still surprised that she didn't prefer Dean to him. He wanted to know what she saw in him, but asking would seem needy and pathetic and he really didn't want to put the question out there in case it made her doubt whether she should like him. He concentrated on the bees on the screen and tried not to think about his doubts.
He felt in his pocket for the lighter Dean had given him, but first he pulled out the little photo wallet that Jack had given him.
"What's that?" said Jules.
He showed her, pleased that she smiled at the sight of his former face.
"She's lovely." she said, "Was she a friend of yours?"
"More than that." he said, "My first vessel."
She looked at him in obvious confusion. "You used to be a woman?"
"No, I've always been an angel, but I had a female vessel."
"Oh." she said.
It was a worrying sound. It suggested she was reconsidering everything.
"It's not a problem, is it?" he said, "I'm still me."
"Sorry." she said and that sounded badly like a prelude to a goodbye, but then she added, "It's just unexpected. I never really thought of angels having multiple vessels."
"Does it change how you feel about me?" he said.
She took his hand. "No. It's a bit weird, but what in our lives isn't? I am curious, though. Do you think of yourself as more male or female?"
"Neither. I'm just Castiel." he said.
She smiled. "Good. It's Castiel that I like. So did you ... I mean, when you were her ... did you have any romantic relationships?"
"Don't you think I would be better at this if I'd been doing it that long?" he said.
She bent over his hand to kiss it. "You're not bad at this." she said.
"Do you remember what you said about me being depressed?" he said.
"Yes, I still think you probably are. After all that you've been through ... "
"I think it's possible." he said, "And at first, I hated the idea, because it would mean my thoughts are not rational and that makes me uneasy, but if my belief that there is little hope for the future is not rational, then it could be wrong and maybe we can win and maybe I can think of a life after this war we have been stuck in."
She pressed her lips to his. He thought for a moment that he had become boring and she wanted to silence him, but the kiss felt a little too ardent to be intended as something merely to keep his lips busy. He tapped her arm to get her attention and then, when she moved away, he said, "Just to clarify, is this interaction romantic or diversionary?"
She laughed. "If you have to ask, I must be doing it wrong."
"I don't think you were doing it wrong." he said.
She kissed him again, then said quietly, "I'm kissing you because I want to kiss you, not because I want to distract you. I don't like people who play that kind of game and I know how hard it is for you to trust people, so it would be even worse for me to do that to you."
"I'm sorry if I seem less than trusting." he said, "You're one of the people I trust most. I just don't trust my ability to read situations correctly and it troubles me how easily a kiss prevents me from thinking clearly."
"That's why I'm keeping the kisses simple and harmless." she said.
"You have more troublesome kisses?" he said.
She smiled. "Don't worry. I'll unleash them on you very carefully and at an appropriate time."
"But you will ... unleash them?" he said hopefully.
"For everything, there is a season." she said.
"And a time to every purpose under Heaven." he replied, "Ecclesiastes 3:1."
"How well do you know the book that follows that one?" she asked.
He met her eyes with some difficulty. "All angels know the scriptures well." he said.
"His head is as the most fine gold, his locks are bushy, and black as a raven." she quoted.
"Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks." he quoted in response.
She kissed him once more. "Nobody out there knows you can be like this, do they?"
"Like what?" he said.
"Like Castiel." she said and the way she spoke his name sent a delightful shiver down his spine.