Chapter 15: Move
Blaine awoke to a quiet, wet dripping sound from outside his window. The last of the snow and ice that had accumulated on the roof and trees from Sunday night's snowstorm were finally melting. The warmth in the air disassembled their harsh, solid forms into harmless water droplets.
When he looked out the window, he was pleased to see that the clouds had cleared and the sun shining through to illuminate the crisp morning. Bullying Awareness Week was ending tomorrow, and this seemed like a fitting way to bring it to a close.
He glanced wistfully at his collection of boat shoes, knowing that the wet slush outside rendered them utterly impractical. He would probably have to retire them for the winter soon but he hoped there would be at least a few more warm days yet. Perhaps tomorrow, when the puddles had dried, if the sun kept shining. He had at least had the foresight to purchase a new pair of water-resistant leather ankle-boots on Black Friday. They would be perfect for such a melty day.
Blaine avoided wearing hats whenever possible because they reeked havoc on his hair not to mention the sticky residue left behind inside the hat itself. Ear warmers were usually enough; they were black and lay flat on his head. Don't forget to wear a scarf. It was Kurt's voice he heard in his head, a memory of his friendly nagging. He selected a classic Burberry plaid cashmere scarf that would keep his neck toasty warm and placate his overly concerned friend.
Cooper had always complained about having to drive himself to school once he turned sixteen but Blaine loved the quiet time to himself at the start of each day. Sometimes he sang along with the radio or went over his schedule for the day in his head. Today he had a math quiz and then, after school, Glee Club was doing a final run-through of their setlist for the rally and Mr. Schuester had mentioned something about making costumes.
Blaine pulled into the McKinley lot, scanning the cars to see which of his friends had already arrived. Kurt's Navigator was already parked, so Kurt and Finn were already here. He spotted Tina's Jeep as well.
As he walked towards the school entrance, he noticed Rachel hopping out of a Mini Cooper. Blaine waved hello to her from across the sidewalk. She smiled brightly at him before turning to say her goodbyes. Blaine couldn't help but be curious about her parents; he didn't know anyone else with gay parents. He imagined meeting them would feel like looking into his own future, or at least the future he hoped to have one day.
As he walked closer, Blaine was surprised to see that both fathers were getting out of the car to hug and kiss their daughter goodbye. Blaine increased his pace slightly, hoping he might have the opportunity to be introduced before they went off to wherever they were going next in their stylish, European car.
"Good morning, Blaine Anderson!" Rachel greeted him cheerfully.
"Morning! Are the-these your dads?"
"Oh, yes! Dads, come meet my friend Blaine Anderson before you leave. Blaine, this is Daddy Hiram, and Daddy LeRoy."
Blaine worried about seeming too overenthusiastic but he just couldn't help it. A real-life partered gay couple, in the flesh! He shook each of their hands vigorously.
"Hi! I'm B-B-B-Blaine!"
He had a million questions swirling around in his head, none of which seemed appropriate to ask during student drop-off at his high school. I wonder how they met. How old were they when they came out? I think they are old enough to have lived through the AIDS crisis; I can't even imagine what that was like. Why didn't they move out of Ohio to somewhere more progressive?
Hiram, the one with the glasses, pulled gently on his partner's arm. "LeRoy, you promised you would take me to that figure drawing seminar. We're going to be late!" he complained.
"Oh, quit your kvetching," he scolded, before turning back to Rachel and LeRoy. "Sorry, muffin, you know how your father gets about being late. We'd better scoot. Have a beautiful day at school. Lovely to meet you, Blaine!" said LeRoy.
With a few waves and extra kisses for Rachel, the two men climbed back into the car and drove off. Blaine stared after them until Rachel broke his concentration.
"You and Kurt should start a fan club. He was just as gaga the first time he met them." She let out a sigh. "I'll have you over for dinner sometime and you can meet them properly. Come on, let's go inside."
Smooth, Blaine. Real smooth.
Inside, Kurt greeted him with his third cup of coffee for the week. He had to admit that he was enjoying being spoiled.
Kurt arched an eyebrow at Rachel. "Why does Blaine look like he just saw Judy Garland's ghost?" He waved a hand in front of Blaine's face, as if to shake him from a trance.
Rachel giggled. "Because he saw the next best thing: Mr. and Mr. Berry."
"Oh, yes, that would do it. I keep begging them to adopt me but apparently they have their hands full with this broad over here." Kurt gestured to Rachel. "They sing before dinner, Blaine. Every night! And they have some wild stories."
Blaine felt a bit less embarrassed seeing that Kurt was just as enthralled as he was. "Did you, uh, uh, did you t-t-talk to them when you came out?" I wish I had known them back then.
"Yeah, they were great. They don't know much about coming out in high school, though, I mean their generation…it was so different. They didn't come out until much later in life."
Blaine nodded. He handed his coffee back to Kurt to hold while he opened his locker and swapped out the items he needed from his backpack. As he checked his hair in the mirror, he caught a glimpse of Dave Karofsky over his shoulder in the reflection. Why is he walking closer?
Blaine felt his stomach tighten as his protective instincts kicked in. He glanced over at Kurt, nervously, to see if he had noticed. Kurt was still chatting away with Rachel, acting normal and relaxed.
His locker door made a loud noise as he closed it a little too hard; Rachel flinched in response. Blaine instinctively stepped into the space between Kurt and the hulking figure that approached them.
Dave came to a stop about five feet or so from Kurt, looking straight at him, making it undeniably clear that he was really here to say or do something to him. His face cracked into a half smile and with an awkward wave, he finally spoke. "Hey, Kurt."
Kurt looked surprised but, to Blaine's complete shock, he didn't appear scared.
"Um, Hi, Dave."
Karofsky jerked his head in an upwards nod and then lumbered off.
Blaine blinked in stunned surprise for a few seconds before he and Rachel rounded on Kurt in unison.
"What was that?" Blaine demanded.
Kurt bit his lip nervously. "That was… we sort of had a talk yesterday. In Ms. Pillsbury's office."
Blaine immediately started scanning Kurt for possible signs of injury. He looked fine but he wore so many layers that it really was rather hard to tell what was going on under there.
"And you…you're okay?" Blaine asked hesitantly. He felt fiercely protective. If he touched one hair on his head I'm going to…
"Yes, yes, we were fully supervised. Better than fine, actually. It…it was…I think I got some closure finally."
Blaine looked down at the ground before he caught himself. Eye contact! Looking up, he studied Kurt's face carefully to see how he was feeling. He looked…calm. He really did seem to be fine.
Rachel cocked her head to the side, and then asked, "Did he apologize? Because David Karofsky doesn't get to just walk up and say 'hey' like nothing happened if he didn't even apologize."
Blaine felt a surge of warmth towards Rachel for being so protective and loyal towards Kurt. She really does have her moments. i
"He did." Kurt said with a tone of mild bewilderment, as if he was still getting used to the idea.
"Was Ms. P j-j-just making him do it or…do you, uh, do you think he, uh, re-really meant it? Blaine asked.
"I actually think he did. He was really emotional, crying even. I guess that stuff I said during Chem really got to him."
"I never thought I would see the day that David Karofsky would shed a tear," Rachel said solemnly.
"I kind of felt sorry for him. It was…weird."
You felt sorry for him? After what he did to you? Blaine didn't know what to think. He wondered if Kurt was incredibly big-hearted or incredibly naive.
"He doesn't de-de-deserve your sympathy, Kurt. You don't owe him-him-him anything," Blaine insisted.
"I know," said Kurt, softly. "I promise I'm still plenty angry at him Blaine but I also…you didn't see how he was, Blaine. I just…I did feel sympathy for him, not because I owe him anything but just because, well, that's how I felt."
"Well, what I want to know is if this apology came with any promises or conditions?" Rachel asked suspiciously. "Because I don't think he has earned his way out of probation yet. One apology is not enough. He has to walk the walk."
"No, but he did promise that its over. I think that's why he said 'hello' this morning. To show me that he's trying to be better. It was…odd, but I guess sort of nice too. Rach…can I speak to Blaine in private? Just between us gays?"
Rachel harrumphed before turning on her heels and flouncing off down the hallway. She cast a sharp, accusatory glance over her shoulder before disappearing around the corner.
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Such a drama queen."
"So?" Blaine questioned, wondering what all the secrecy was about. Kurt glanced around the hallway, milling with students. He grabbed Blaine's arm and led him into the empty choir room.
"Sorry for all the cloak and dagger. I just…I can't out him." Kurt dropped his voice to just above a whisper. "So anyways, I-I got him to come out to Ms. Pillsbury!"
"Wow! That's huge. So no one else knew?"
"I don't think so, no. He just…he looked so…tortured, I couldn't help but feel for him at least a little bit. He must be so deep in the closet that it's eating him up inside. He pretends to be okay but I think he's really just miserable and terrified most of the time. You and me…we have so much support from our parents and our friends. It felt like this horrible glimpse into what my life would have been without all of that. I feel…I feel so lucky Blaine."
Kurt's voice grew increasingly emotional as his explanation went on. His wide blue eyes looked so earnest, so full of compassion.
"You were h-horribly bu-bu-bullied and the t-take-away you came up with is that you're lucky! You really are some-something else, K-Kurt Hummel." Blaine shook his head in disbelief.
Kurt gave a self-effacing shrug in response.
"I'm…I'm glad you got some c-c-c-closure, Kurt."
Blaine was suddenly filled with a very strong desire to hug Kurt, so he did. As he pulled his friend, his very dear friend, close he felt it again. Tug. It was stronger this time.
—
"Everyone gets a t-shirt and a sharpie!" Ms. Pillsbury said enthusiastically. Blaine was dubious. When Mr. Schuester had mentioned that they were going to have costumes for the assembly, this wasn't quite what Blaine had pictured.
"Everyone has a shirt? Excellent! Alright, so we are making these for the assembly but the process of creating them is going to be a great activity for all of you as well. Everyone in here has been bullied or teased or judged by their peers, right?"
They all nodded or grunted in agreement.
"Right. So I want you to think of all the reasons you have been bullied and write those words on your shirt."
"Are you crazy?" Santana demanded. "We don't need to give people more ideas about how to insult us!"
"Bullying really doesn't require much creativity or intelligence Santana," Ms. Pillsbury countered. "Look, just do the shirt for now and once you see the whole idea I have for the number if you still don't want to wear it then I won't make you. Look, I'll even go first!"
Santana scoffed but stopped arguing. "Let's see it, then."
"Very well. I'll write 'ginger' because people can be so rude about my being a red-head. Oh and also 'bug-eyes' because that's what kids at school used to tease me about. Lastly, let's go with… 'clean freak' because you've all seen the way I like things tidy." She finished writing her last word with a flourish and then held her shirt aloft for all of them to see.
"Well, go on…get started!" Ms. Pillsbury encouraged, with her usual peppiness.
Blaine considered the blank, cotton canvas before him. He didn't really want to think about all the most embarrassing parts of himself. Am I really brave enough to wear this in front of the whole school? He felt a little bit like he was drowning when he tried to picture it, so he stopped.
He glanced over at Kurt, but he was already hard at work.
If Kurt can do this, than so can I.
He picked up the marker, starting with the easiest one: "Short." The others would be harder. He took a deep breath. Next he wrote "Gay." He glanced over at Santana and then added "Twitchy." He wondered if he was supposed to write down things that people had bullied him for that weren't even true, like all the kids who thought he couldn't read when he was at Bath Elementary.
Blaine paused to check on Kurt's progress and maybe get some inspiration. Each word on Kurt's shirt was written carefully, artfully placed in just the right spot. Trust Kurt to view this as an exercise in fashion.
In the very center of the shirt it said, "Likes Boys" with other words like "Bitch," "Condescending," "Too Femme," "Girl voice," and "Weird clothes." The words reminded Blaine of his very first impressions of Kurt and how Rachel had introduced him as a "bitch" to Blaine on the very first day of school. The person Blaine had gotten to know since then was so much more than any of these words. And, yes, Kurt could be bitchy he had to admit, but he could also be incredibly kind-hearted.
Kurt was biting his lip in concentration as he considered the quickly disappearing white space still left on his shirt. Blaine felt that it would be wrong to interrupt him when he was so focused so he slunk back over to his mostly empty shirt. He had to figure this out on his own.
You're overthinking it. Just write whatever comes to mind. Blaine closed his eyes and let his mind wander. What are you insecure about? What are you judged for? He took deep meditative breaths, trying to find that quiet space his mother had described, the one where all the white noise fades away until you can hear your own truest feelings.
"Preppy." "Clueless." "Bad eye contact." "Quiet."
He gathered every ounce of courage he had and added one last word to the shirt.
"Stutter."
There it was. Who knew if anyone in the audience would even be able to read it but he would know that it was there. He felt a strange combination of fear and relief. When he was done, he noticed that Kurt was watching him. He smiled when Blaine met his gaze. Blaine held up his shirt.
Kurt's eyebrows shot up in surprise and then he smiled in approval. "Awesome!" Kurt's proud of me!
"I think, Ms. P was right. This is… weirdly —cathartic."
—
Blaine watched with anticipatory excitement from the wings of the auditorium stage as Ms. Pillsbury introduced them.
"In a few moments, I want to welcome to the stage one of our most diverse and talented student clubs: The New Directions. Through making music together, the members of this club are proud to have learned how to accept, and even celebrate, one another's differences. Today they have a message for the those of you in the audience who have ever bullied another student and for those who have been the victims of bullying. We are more than our flaws and insecurities. We are proud of who we are because the things that make use different can also be the best things about us. We stand strong together and no one can bring us down. Please put your hands together for The New Directions, who will be performing songs about self-acceptance."
Blaine stepped out onto the stage, blinking under the harsh stage lights. They stood together in their homemade t-shirts, literally wearing their insecurities on their sleeves. Even Santana had agreed to wear hers in the end.
For once, there had been no fighting over solos. This performance was about everyone's voice being heard, so everyone would have a moment to shine. Rachel started them off, her shirt splashed with words like "Two Dads," "Jewish American Princess," and "Showboat."
You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me
You, have knocked me off my feet again,
Got me feeling like a nothing
You, with your voice like nails
On a chalk board, calling me out when I'm wounded
You, picking on the weaker man
Next was Mercedes ("Fat").
You can take me down
With just one single blow
But you don't know what you don't know
Then Santana ("Bitch").
I bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold but the cycle ends right now
'Cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know what you don't know
Blaine and Kurt took the chorus together.
Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
Blaine couldn't help but find Karofsky in the audience. Even if he had apologized, Blaine couldn't forgive him yet. He wasn't sure if he could ever forgive him. But he did know that he would always have Kurt's back and Dave had better know that.
Finn ("Can't dance"):
And I can see you years from now in a bar
Talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion
Quinn ("Teen Mom"):
But nobody's listening, washed up and ranting
About the same old bitter things
Mike ("Tone deaf"):
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing
But all you are is mean
They ended the song singing all together, their voices harmonizing and blending.
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
Why you gotta be so mean
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
There was moderate applause as they transitioned to the next number. Kurt and Rachel took the stage for their duet. Blaine had heard about the so-called "Diva-Off" between these two the previous year, but this was his first time hearing either of them sing this song.
It was majestic. They were so much better when they worked together instead of trying to tear each other down.
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!
As they sang, Kurt and Rachel grabbed the collars of their shirts where Ms. Pillsbury had snipped them with scissors. The cheap cotton tore easily, ripping down the middle to reveal what was hiding underneath.
After they had covered their shirts with every bad name they had ever been called, Ms. Pillsbury had given them another assignment. "Write down all your favorite things about yourself. Who are you on the inside? Who would people see if they got to know the real you?"
Kurt's shirt said "dedicated follower of fashion" and "proud to be different." Blaine approved wholeheartedly of his reference to The Kinks. Rachel had just drawn an enormous gold star on hers. Of course.
It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you can't pull me down
Blaine watched from the wings, in awe of Kurt. Kurt had bragged about his range before but Blaine was still impressed to hear him effortlessly hit some of those high notes with such a clear tone.
He thought about what Kurt had written on his shirt, "proud to be different." Kurt showed up every day to this school with his head held high, defiantly himself in the face of so much pressure to conform. And now he sang that defiance out into the crowd fearlessly.
Kurt and Rachel started the next song alone. One by one, each member of the Glee club walked back out on to the stage, ripping off their shirts to reveal their true selves.
I am beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can't bring me down
Oh no
So don't you bring me down today
They joined their voices together for the final verse. They extended their arms, pointing towards the audience, sending their message of love and acceptance to everyone sitting below them.
You are beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
Oh no
You are beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can't bring you down
Oh no
So don't you bring me down today
They cleared the stage and took their seats so the special group of actors could put on their anti-bullying presentation. It was a little hokey at first, but once they got going Blaine was pretty engrossed in the skits they enacted on stage.
In each skit, they would "pause" the action at some point and invite students to come up on stage and discuss what they could say to be an "upstander" in that situation. Then they would re-start the scene, letting the student stand up for the target of the bullying. The strategies they had discussed in class had seemed useful, but Blaine had a better sense of how they could actually be used seeing them played out in front of him like this.
He clapped and cheered loudly when Ms. Pillsbury took the microphone and thanked them for coming. That's my cue. Quietly, Blaine left his seat and headed backstage again.
"Thank you, again, to our talented guests from 'Actors Stand Up Against Bullying'! What a tremendous success this whole week has been. I want to thank you all for your participation in the discussions all week long. I saw a lot of you taking this topic very seriously and giving some real thought to some hard issues that do not have simple answers. We have a lot of hard work ahead of us and with that in mind I am beyond thrilled to announce that I am sponsoring a new club at McKinley led by Ms. Santana Lopez."
Santana briefly stepped out from behind the curtains in the wings to give a stiff, princess wave to the audience before ducking back out of view.
"I hope that many of you will join us. Please keep an eye out for sign-up posters on the bulletin board when we all return from winter break in the new year. And now, to send us on our way, The New Directions will perform a spirited closing number."
The applause was by no means deafening, but it was more enthusiastic than usual for this crowd. They wanted to end the assembly on something uptempo and fun so the final number was high energy and full of attitude.
In reality I'm gon' be who I be
And I don't feel no faults for all the lies that you bought
You can try as you may bring me down when I say
That it ain't up to you, go on do what you do
The members of the Glee Club clapped to the beat and slowly the students in the audience started to clap along.
Hate on me hater
Now or later
'Cause I'm gonna do me
You'll be made baby
Go ahead and hate on me hater
I'm not afraid of
What I got I paid for
You can hate on me
Blaine had spent so many years trying to blend in or hide in desperate attempts to avoid the bullies and the haters. As he sang, he tried to absorb some of the untouchable confidence of the lyrics in the hopes that he could hold on to that feeling after it was over.
He wanted to be brave enough one day to walk through the world with enough self-acceptance to say, "Here I am, you don't have to like me, but I'm never changing." He wanted to be brave enough to be more like Kurt.
You cannot hate on me
Hate on me hater
'Cause my mind is free
Now or later
Feel my destiny
'Cause I'm gonna do me
The crowd roared and Blaine was stunned to see a few students even jump to their feet. Before long most of the crowd was up, cheering loudly. Blaine had never imagined they would receive a standing ovation.
He noticed a few students sitting defiantly in their seats, but they looked so small in the sea of cheering students. It gave Blaine hope that while their bullies might yell the loudest, perhaps they really were outnumbered by allies.
—
"That was glorious!" exclaimed Tina. The rest of The New Directions cheered in agreement. They were gathered in the choir room, putting away their costumes.
Blaine was riding the high of a great performance. Kurt was beaming with unbridled confidence and joy. Blaine could practically feel it coming off of him in waves from across the room.
Mr. Schuester entered the room clapping his hands. "Excellent performance, guys! I think you are ready for Regionals!"
The reference to competitions jogged something lose in Blaine's brain. He grabbed his book bag and started shuffling through the papers inside until he pulled out the coupon they had gotten for winning the duets competition and held it up, triumphantly.
"Kurt! I f-f-forgot about this. Cele-celebratory dinner at Breadstix?"
Santana catcalled, "Ooooh, sounds like a date! Don't do anything I would do."
Blaine didn't mind her teasing, but clearly Kurt did. He turned very pink and looked uncomfortable.
"What are you twelve?" Kurt sputtered furiously.
"I think the lady doth protest too much," she fired back with a wink.
The pink was now spreading to Kurt's neck and ears. Blaine suddenly wished he had asked Kurt in private. He hadn't meant to embarrass him. Great job, Blaine, now you're raining all over his parade. He was so happy a minute ago. That was the opposite of his intended effect.
He needed to fix this but seeing Kurt so uncomfortable was affecting him, and he found that he was too nervous to talk right now, not without being a total mess. But I can sing…
Blaine turned to Santana and crooned out, "Go ahead and hate on me hater, I'm not afraid of, What I got I paid for," Blaine fanned himself with the coupon, "You can hate on me."
Blaine let out a sigh of relief to see that Kurt had perked back up; his fierce confidence had returned. That's more like it.
Kurt grabbed his book bag with one hand and Blaine with his other, "Peace out, losers. We would invite you to join us but I don't think they actually serve hater-tots at Breadstix, do they Blaine? We will be enjoying unlimited bread sticks while all ya'll enjoy unlimited jealousy."
They ran out of the choir room, still hand in hand, giggling gleefully.
—
"I'm st-st-still so amped right now, Kurt! That p-p-performance was amazing!"
"It was ev…er…y…thing! I'm glad you remembered that we had this. I definitely feel like celebrating."
The waitress came up to the table and to read them the specials and collect their drink orders. She dropped off a generous basket of bread sticks before moving on to her next table.
As Blaine surveyed his menu, he took in their surroundings. They were seated in a cozy booth, decorated with a small sprig of flowers and a flickering candle. Somehow this felt different than the countless times they had gone out for coffee together. It sure looked a lot like a… Blaine felt his stomach drop. Oh no, it's happening again! Santana was right! This really does look like a date.
Blaine snuck a peek over the top of his menu to see if he could read anything on Kurt's face. He wasn't even really sure what sort of clues he was looking for but Kurt just looked thoughtful as he considered his options on the menu. At least he seemed oblivious to Blaine's staring. Come on Blaine! Be cool, relax.
Kurt set his menu down on the table and when his eyes met Blaine's he smiled warmly. Blaine's anxiety was somewhat eased by Kurt's relaxed demeanor. This was just Kurt and Blaine, hanging out, like they had done countless times before. Nothing to be nervous about.
"So, did you have a favorite number from our concert, Blaine?" Kurt asked with interest.
"H-H-Hard to choose. I was…really impressed with…Defying Gravity. Your voice was…ex-ex-exquisite, the per-performance was emotional, and the theme…felt very appropriate. I wonder—I hope you really feel that way."
Blaine tried to express how dazzled he had felt by Kurt's heartfelt performance. He knew that he had a strong ability to emote through song, but there was something so raw about Kurt's performance that was unlike anything Blaine himself had ever done.
Kurt blushed at Blaine's compliment. Is blushing a sign that he thinks it's a date? No, Kurt blushes all the time. It's just because he's so fair-skinned; it doesn't mean anything.
"Wow, thank you, Blaine! That's incredibly sweet of you to say. I've always felt a very personal connection to that song; it's sort of an anthem for me. Singing it this time, though, I connected to it on a whole new level. All of those negative feelings that were eating away at me before, it all felt as inevitable and irresistible as gravity. But when you came to me and helped me believe that I really could come back; well, it felt like realizing that I could fly after all this time convinced I was at gravity's mercy." Kurt stopped and let out a laugh, "Geez, when did I get so mushy? If you poked I think pure maple syrup would come out, that's how full of sap I am right now."
Blaine just smiled at him. "I'm ju-just happy that you're happy."
He really, really was. His chest was flooded with warmth as Kurt waxed poetic about expressing his feelings through song. He really is one of a kind.
"I'm…I'm so pr-proud of you, K-Kurt."
Blaine's whole body was already humming with excitement from the high of performing and now all of these emotions flooded him as he thought about how incredibly proud he was of Kurt. He thought about the grace with which he had handled the conversation with Karofsky and the fierceness with which he stood up for his right to be himself.
Then Kurt was cackling in a fit of laughter, and Blaine's reverie was broken. He cocked an eyebrow at Kurt because he had no idea why he was laughing; the conversation they had been having was pretty serious.
"I can't believe they're playing this song," he explained. "At Breadstix! This is a family establishment," he said in mock outrage. Blaine tuned in to the music, which he had thus far been ignoring, and finally understood Kurt's amusement.
Wild thing you make my heart sing
You make everything groovy, wild thing
Wild thing, I think I love you
But I wanna know for sure
Come on, hold me tight, I love you
"I kind of lllove this song," Blaine confessed. "It's t-t-totally silly and over the top, but…sometimes you have to ju-ju-just lean in to the camp."
"This is… not surprising at all now that I think about it. It's very on-brand for you."
Blaine rolled his eyes at Kurt and started singing along, partly to annoy him and partly for the sheer joy of doing so. He hammed it up even more than usual, channeling all that excess energy into his seated performance. When it got to those dramatic drum and guitar beats between the lines of the song, Blaine air drummed with great energy.
Wild thing
[buh buh…buh…buh]
you make my heart sing
[buh buh…buh…buh]
You make everything… groovy
[buh buh…buh…buh]
wild thing
Wild thing, I think you move me
But I wanna know for sure
Come on and hold me tight
You move me
Kurt laughed and joined in with Blaine's air drumming, albeit rather more sedately. "You are the most ridiculous person that I know!" he said affectionately.
"Oh, yes!" Blaine admitted cheerfully.
The waitress seemed quietly amused by their antics as she delivered their pastas. Blaine's stomach felt warm and satisfied as it filled up with homemade pasta and rich tomato sauce.
Kurt seemed lost in thought so Blaine enjoyed his food in relaxed silence. Finally, Kurt looked up and gave Blaine a quizzical glance. "Blaine, why did you want to have dinner with me tonight?"
Please don't ask me if it's a date. I don't know if it's a date!
"Like you said, we h-h-have a lot to c-c-celebrate. And we…we had that coupon, so, you know…hence, dinner," Blaine explained somewhat awkwardly.
Kurt narrowed his eyes at him, like he was trying to figure Blaine out. There was something else, behind his eyes. Was it disappointment? He hoped not. He never wanted to disappoint Kurt.
Blaine handed the waitress their coupon with the bill, hoping desperately that Kurt would just leave it alone. He was too confused right now.
As they gathered up their coats, Blaine realized that this was it. They would walk outside to their separate cars and go home to their separate houses. I don't want to say goodbye to you. The thought popped up, seemingly out of nowhere. It felt like a voice that wasn't even his.
Looking over at Kurt, who was doing up the complicated clasps on his coat, he felt a lonely pang. It felt instinctual, this need to make the night last a little longer, even if he didn't really know why.
"D-D-Do you…maybe, want to go f-f-for a walk?" Blaine stumbled through his words.
Kurt turned to look at him with surprise, but then he looked pleased. "Sure! There's a park near here that has a nice walking trail. Oh hey, isn't there supposed to be meteor shower tonight? I think Ms. McKenzie mentioned something about it in Chemistry. I have blankets in my car if you want to try to find a spot to watch it in the park."
Kurt was clearly getting excited about this idea and then, as if he was worried he had taken it too far, he caught himself and started to backpedal. "Or…I mean, just a walk would be nice too. We don't have to…"
"It s-s-sounds perfect."
—
Kurt and Blaine enjoyed a peaceful walk through the park, chatting amicably about shooting stars and the universe. They talked about the movie 'Contact' and Kurt's obsession with 'Star Wars' when he was a kid. Blaine told him about how his grandfather used to let him look through his telescope on clear nights as a child.
When they found a spot with a good view, Blaine spread out one of the blankets for them to sit on. Thankfully, the ground wasn't too damp. He set aside the second blanket for now, not sure if they would need it. They were bundled up pretty well, and it really had warmed up quite a bit since Sunday, but it was still December.
"What do you think is the best stargazing scene from a movie?" Kurt asked.
"D-Definitely 'The Lion K-King'. I like how they talk about their —ancestors looking down on them."
"Do you really believe in all of that? Like heaven or going somewhere after you die?" Kurt asked.
"I'm not—I'm not really sure…to be honest. I like the idea of it. You?"
"Nah. I gave up on God and religion a long time ago. About the time that they gave up on me." Kurt sounded sad.
"What do-do you mean?"
"Well, it was hard to believe in a God that would take my mom away from me so young. I would rather think that there is nothing than accept that that could be part of anyone's divine plan for the universe. She was such a wonderful person, and I—I needed her, you know? I was only eight when she died. And then…later when I realized what I was, I mean… the church isn't exactly friendly to people like us."
"That makes sense. I s-s-stopped going to —church after I came out too."
Something flashed in the corner of Blaine's eye. Kurt pointed. "Look it's starting!"
They laid back on the blanket to get a better view but Blaine kept finding himself looking at Kurt instead. His face looked sort of magical in the moonlight; his milky skin was almost glowing.
He practically had to tear his eyes away so Kurt wouldn't catch him staring.
Inviting Kurt to dinner had been a decision driven by impulse. He didn't have any sort of plan in mind and he certainly hadn't imagined that this was where the night would take him. But it was always like that when he spent time with Kurt. Things always felt so organic with him that Blaine never really worried about what they were going to do or if he would get bored. Kurt was never boring. Quite to the contrary, Kurt had to be one of the most interesting people he knew.
He thought of Kurt's face when he had cracked up laughing at Blaine's rendition of 'Wild Thing.' Spending time with Kurt is always fun. He felt so free around Kurt. Free to be himself, to feel however he was feeling in the moment, and Kurt was somehow always the right person to be around, no matter what was going on.
I think you move me. But I want to know for sure. He hummed quietly as the words popped into his head. He noticed Kurt smirking out of the corner of his eye.
Blaine gazed up, watching as tiny streaks of light raced across the inky, infinite blackness spread above them. He felt small but in a way that didn't make him feel lonely or unimportant, rather he was awed by how big it all was. There was so much space and so much quiet. It was calming in an almost hypnotic way.
It was so quiet that he could hear the gentle rustling of leaves and the far off whirring of cars on the highway. All at once, everything clicked into place and he felt it. He heard it. That tiny, quiet voice of intuition that had been whispering to him for longer than he cared to admit, well now it was practically shouting.
In the quiet stillness of the darkness and the trees, under a blanket of stars, Blaine finally knew for sure. You move me.
As the realization hit him, alarmingly similar to a punch in the gut, Blaine thought he might have fallen over if he wasn't already on the ground. This was it. This was that gut feeling his mother had told him about.
Once the thought was there—I have feeling for Kurt—it seemed like the most obvious thing in the world. He had imagined there would be doubts, when he finally had feelings for someone but somehow he just knew with the fiercest of convictions that it was true. Of course he had feelings for Kurt because Kurt was amazing and beautiful and compassionate and…he was Kurt.
Blaine's heart pounded furiously in his chest. His feelings for Kurt suddenly felt so urgent. He had to do something, now that he knew. He almost gasped aloud from how strong the wanting became. He wasn't even sure what it was that he wanted. He just wanted… Kurt. He wanted to be close to him. Slow down.
Blaine glanced over at Kurt, who was still gazing skywards, transfixed. Slowly, he inched his hand closer to where Kurt's was laying on the blanket, until his pinky brushed up against Kurt's. He felt Kurt jolt ever so slightly in surprise but he did not pull away. Too nervous to look over, Blaine moved the rest of his hand until it covered Kurt's. He gently stroked the soft skin on the top of Kurt's hand with his thumb. That glorious painful tug in his heart responded.
After a few more seconds of this, Kurt's hand turned underneath him and then their fingers were interlacing. It felt so good. They had held hands before, but never like this. There was holding hands not to be separated in a crowd or to comfort a friend. Then there was holding hands just to feel the other person.
Blaine's whole body was thrumming with excitement from this one point of contact. If he hadn't been sure before than this would have confirmed his feelings. Just touching Kurt like this was already more exciting than kissing Nick had ever been. Blaine ran his thumb over Kurt's and warm tingles ran all the way up his arm.
Kurt finally turned his head to look at Blaine. He felt his gaze from the corner of his vision. Still holding tightly to Kurt's hand like it was his only tether from floating away, Blaine finally turned his head to face him. Kurt was looking at him with intense wonder in his eyes, like maybe he was feeling just as emotional as Blaine was. He hoped that Kurt was feeling the same way.
"Blaine? I…" Kurt trailed off, as if he was struggling to put his thoughts into words. "What is this?"
He blocked hard. He managed to pull in a shaky breath but then his vocal cords slammed shut as soon as he tried to speak. He was filled with anxiety and joy…and it was all too much, he was overpowered and overwhelmed.
So it would be actions, rather than words. That was his usual move, after all.
Blaine stood up and pulled gently on Kurt's hand until he rose to join him. "Blaine?" he asked again, his blue eyes still wide, still full of questions.
Not letting go of Kurt with his left hand, he reached out to touch Kurt's cheek with his right. The skin there was even softer than he had imagined that day on the bus.
Blaine leaned forward slowly, his eyes asking the question that his mouth wasn't cooperating enough to ask. It was agonizingly slow, giving Kurt ample time to pull away, before finally he was brushing their lips together.
Kurt did not pull away. Instead, he cupped Blaine's cheek and pulled him in closer. The skin of Kurt's lips was impossibly soft and yet firm as they pressed back against his. Blaine inhaled a shaky breath through his nose and God he smells amazing.
It wasn't Blaine's first kiss but it was the first one that mattered. All of those feelings he had just discovered for Kurt were swirling inside of him, turned up to eleven, and it felt…amazing. Their lips parted and then he could taste Kurt, which was even better.
Kurt sucked Blaine's bottom lip into his mouth and Blaine felt like his entire body was melting or on fire or possibly both at the same time. That gentle tug in his heart now felt like someone had set the rope on fire. But, somehow, in a good way.
He pulled Kurt closer, kissing him for minutes or hours, he couldn't be sure.
Blaine wrapped an arm around Kurt's waist, keeping him close even when they finally separated to catch their breaths.
"Oh, so that's what a first kiss should be like," Kurt whispered.
"I th-think this is what all k-k-k—kisses should be like," Blaine responded. He gently traced one of Kurt's cheekbones with the pad of his thumb.
Then Kurt pulled him into a hug that was much closer and tighter than any hug they had ever shared. So come on and hold me tight. Blaine's cheek rested on Kurt's shoulder and he felt a deep wave of comfort as Kurt did just that. You move me.
Kurt's lips brushed against his ear and then he whispered, "Thank you for a magical first kiss, Blaine. It was perfect."
He squeezed Kurt tighter in response, moving one of his hands from Kurt's back to gently pet the hair on the back of his head.
Blaine wanted to stay there forever, but he knew that it was probably getting late and Kurt needed to get home before curfew. So, reluctantly, he released Kurt and took a step back.
"Ready?" He gestured back in the direction of their cars with his head.
"Sure," said Kurt, breathlessly.
They folded up the blankets in silence. Kurt smiled shyly as he offered his hand for Blaine to hold again. Blaine took it gladly, flashing him a grin, and they walked in content silence to their cars. Kurt finally let go of his hand to put the blankets into the trunk of his car.
Blaine managed to get out a few more words. "G-Good night, —Kurt."
"Thank you, for the walk and…well, everything," Kurt said awkwardly. He stared at the ground, worrying a loose bit of gravel with the toe of his boot. He doesn't want to say goodbye either.
So instead of "goodbye," Blaine just gave him one last hug and kissed him gently on the cheek.
—
When Blaine got home, he found his mom curled up on the sofa with a mug of tea and a novel. He flopped down next to her, unable to contain the enormous grin on his face. His mother raised her eyebrows and put down her book, giving him her full attention.
"Blaine, something happened I take it?" she asked.
"I—I felt it, mom! The g-gut feeling." Blaine couldn't help but gush.
"Aw, honey, that's wonderful! So are you finally going to tell me the name of this, ehem, gut feeling?"
Blaine laughed as he remembered he hadn't even told his mom who all his mixed-up feelings were about. "K-Kurt," he said dreamily.
"I take it Kurt returns your feelings then, based on how over the moon you are?"
More like under the moon.
"I k-kissed him, mom! He kissed me back. It was p-p-perfect!" He sighed happily.
"That's wonderful, sweetie. I'm so happy for you! So how did you leave things? Are you dating or…what?"
How did we leave things? How did we leave things?
"Uh…"
She raised her eyebrows at him.
"Actions sp-sp-speak louder than words, r-r-right?" Saying it aloud, it didn't sound as convincing as it had in his head.
"So you did not talk to Kurt about all these feelings you're suddenly so sure about?" She asked with a twinkle in her eye.
"I…I tried. But…he-he-he…he has to know." Doesn't he?
"Actions do speak loudly, sweetheart, but words…are a little more specific. Seeing you this happy, well, it's everything a mother wants. Let me give you a little advice. Make sure that Kurt knows just how happy he makes you, okay?" She reached out to take his hand, giving it a familiar squeeze. "If you want to have a real relationship then you're going to have to find a way to express yourself."
"Yeah."
How hard can it be?
Author's Notes:
Their first kiss! We made it!
Please comment and let me know what you think! I'm especially curious to hear your impressions of this chapter! What did you think of the assembly, the costumes, the kiss, or my bizarre incorporation of the song 'Wild Thing' into Glee?
Actors Stand Up Against Bullying
I made up this organization but my description of their presentation is loosely based on something we did as a school assembly once. Illinois has something called "Erin's Law" that requires schools to do education regarding sexual abuse for all students. We had a group that came in and did essentially what I described in the story where they put on skits and had students sort of "tag in" and speak up for themselves. It was really emotional to watch but very well done.
Rachel's Dads
Without the budget restrictions of a TV show, I have to imagine that the Berrys would have taken Kurt and then later Blaine under their wings. On the show, when that sweet lesbian at the ring shop asks Blaine if he has any adults he can talk to about this and he says "no", I was screaming in my head, "Yes, you do! Rachel's Dads!"
I also may have gone down a research rabbit hole about what children of same-sex parents call them because I've basically only seen variations of Daddy and Papa. Glee did not do a very good job with handling many topics (such as disability) so I had a moment of doubt that maybe Rachel not having unique names for them was another such example. Based on my research, it looks like Daddy and Papa are a popular choice but there were plenty of parents posting that their children just called them both mom or dad and then differentiated using first names when speaking about them to others. Babies are very smart and sort of just figure these things out for themselves. Since on the show Rachel only ever refers to them as her "Dads," it seemed to make the most sense that she would just call them both "Dad." That's how I arrived at the conclusion I did.
Music Notes
"Dedicated Follower of Fashion" (which Kurt writes on his shirt) are the eponymous lyrics to a song by The Kinks.
And then, of course, we had "Wild Thing" by The Troggs.
The rest you know from Glee.
Esperanto's Stuttering Corner
By special request from HKVoyage, some information about singing and stuttering.
Many (not all) people who stutter are more fluent when they sing and this phenomenon has been widely documented but is still not fully understood. I can't offer a definitive answer. I can only share my professional opinion based on the research I have read. To me, there are three factors in play: Neurological, Linguistic, and Speech Production.
1) Neurological: Our brains work differently when we sing versus when we speak. The left hemisphere of the brain is dominant for language while the right hemisphere is dominant for singing (This isn't even universal; some people are right hemisphere dominant for language).
There is even a specific treatment used to aphasia (language disorder caused by stroke) called "Melodic Intonation Therapy." Following a left-hemisphere stroke, this treatment approach is supposed to recruit the intact right hemisphere to support speaking. It is only appropriate for certain types of deficits, where the aphasia affects the person's ability to pronounce words (called non-fluent aphasia, or you may have heard of Broca's aphasia).
2) Linguistic: When you speak you are also thinking about what to say. In most cases when you sing, you have the words memorized. I found a study that had people who stutter sing songs they knew the words to and songs they did not. They were more fluent when they knew the words.
3) Speech Production: Singing naturally forces you to do a lot of similar things to the fluency strategies we teach people who stutter. Those strategies are all about making everything smooth and connected, keeping the forward momentum of speech, and stretching out some of the sounds. I was trying to allude to this when I described Blaine's ERASM as "sing-song" from Kurt's POV.
Famous singers who stutter(ed) include: Carly Simon, Chris Martin (of Coldplay), and Elvis Presley.
Again, I want to recommend the Ted talk from Megan Washington in which she talks about how singing is one of the only times she feels fluent. It's great!