No dreams came. Laying here awake in the dark, listening to the slow but not the sleeping breaths from him. Not sure what to say. Today brought more questions than answers. Joseph and I went to my gynecologist. My blood and urine test both came back positive, I am pregnant. 10 weeks. I have the black and white sonogram pictures of the little peanut on the dresser to prove it. My body doesn't feel like it belongs to me anymore, like all of this is happening to someone else and I just watching from afar. Feeling insecure of my body, I am sleeping in one of Josephs' shirts tonight. After the appointment, Joseph went back to his barracks for a while. Clearly needing some distance. Even now, I feel like he is on another continent. Feeling the impending bomb that will end whatever this relationship was. my heartbreaking as we lay together for the last time. My back pressed against his side he is laying on his back, my fingers are interlacing with his. I can almost hear him thinking.
"Kate?" He sighs quietly. Rolling over to face him. 'This is it, he is going to break up with me now. He didn't want to come into this for a long term commitment. He wanted something easy and noncommittal. He doesn't want me and he doesn't want this baby.' I thought to myself, this isn't what I wanted. I didn't know what I want. I saw a future with Joseph, but now I am not so sure. It's just another complication of our relationship. Ponder as I prepare for whatever comes out of his mouth next.
"I wanted to tell you something before. Actually, it was that night when we went to the park." Nodding my head in acknowledgment. "I had known for a while, but that is when I knew. Then things got crazy and life sort of got in the way." His words coming out quick and jumbled, he stops to stare into my eyes. I barely make out his pupils, I can tell from the dim light radiating from the barely closed bathroom door his face was relaxed as he settles his soft lips on mine. Starting slowly moving his lips against mine, parting them slightly. Sharing the breath between us. Rolling on top of him more feeling his excitement against my upper thigh. His hand fisting into my hair tugging lightly. The other hand tracing my back, hip, and ass. Committing this moment to memory, just in case it is over in the morning. Joseph McGuire is the best lover I have ever had, will probably be my last one. Knowing that no one will want me after I have this baby. Pulling away, missing his lips as he laid back in the pillow. His hand resting on top of my hip. Taking a deep breath, ingraining his scent to memory. His thumb brushing back and forth against my skin. Hoping that the morning will never come so I could enjoy this night for a little longer.
Taking a deep breath, "I haven't said this to anyone before. I haven't felt like this before," tucking my hair behind my ear. "I love you." He tells me.
The world stopped. The bed, the floor, the ground below me is pulled out from under. He can't be telling this. He was going to break up with me. He doesn't want me and a baby. Why would anyone want me now? Everything I thought I knew, I didn't know. Why would anyone love me? Does he love me? I thought I was the only one that felt that way in this relationship.
"I know our life just got a little crazier." Placing hand on under his shirt that I am wearing and resting it on my flat stomach. "but that doesn't change how I feel about you. This is actually the product of our love. Something we created together. You are the best thing that has happened to me. My life is fuller now that you are it. This little one will only bring more joy into it." He tells me. The whole room tilts a little. Trying to get my bearing and grip on the words he is speaking.
"Kate?" I am was still for too long. Taking a breath, momentarily forgetting how to breathe. "Did you hear me?" he asks me.
"I am sorry, I thought you were going to break up with me," I tell him truthfully.
His boyish smile pulling across his lip. "Break up with you? No." He takes my hand, placing it on his bare chest over his heart, his hand pressing on top of mine. The other still pressed against my stomach. "I couldn't break up with the girl that this belongs too." Lacing my fingers with his. Lowering my mouth to his, I roll on top of him. Letting my action tell him exactly how I feel. Only wearing a shirt, pulling it over my head and settling on top of him completely naked. My insecurities disappearing with my clothing.
His eyes travel over my body, his fingertips ghosting over my curves. Feeling him grow harder underneath me. Kicking off the cover with bottoms he was wearing. In the same motion, he is inside me, the two of us becoming one. Sitting up with me, his arms wrap around my back as we move together, my hips grinding down against him. Kissing along his jawline to his earlobe. Feeling the cliff of my orgasm quickly approaching. Taking the tender flesh between my teeth, "I love you. I love you too, Joseph." Whispering to him, as his move deeper inside of me. Pushing me off the cliff and into the abyss of sensitivity. As he kept thrusting into me, deeper and deeper. His every touch, the movement sending my nerves into a fiery blaze. The rough skin of his beard scratching against my bare breast leaving traces of his lips burning into my skin. Marking me as his. Forever and always. That familiar sensation making waves in my stomach, his breath becoming ragged and quick. Moaning against his bare shoulder. My body seizing around him. He thrusting into me deeper and comes in me, meeting me in bliss. This being the closest I have ever been with anyone. Knowing this isn't going to end any time soon. My stomach muscles are contracted from my orgasm, laying back down, together as one still trying to picture what this will look like when my belly is round with pregnancy. The picture is a little too perfect for me. But starting to be ok with. Joseph loves me and he wants to be with me. Realizing I won't be alone to do this. That our future is still intact, just growing by one more.
"I talked to my mom today. I told her." He tells me to turn my body to see face him. "I told her about the baby. She is already planning on coming out when the baby is due and going to staying at least a month to help. She can't wait to finally have a grandbaby to spoil."
"Really?" I asked shocked that she wasn't upset that we got pregnant after a short time of dating.
"I think she has been waiting for me to settle down for a while. I was just waiting for the right girl." My heart fills at his words. His lips find mine and kissing me softly. Pressing my body closer to his. Not ever wanting to be separate from him. "I can't wait to talk about names, or feel her move, or him. Mom wouldn't stop jabbering about the things we need to get for the baby. She is really excited. I am excited. I think our friends will be excited for us. And your brother will be excited for us." His voice slows and drops. The fear of rejection and jolts through me. Adam is the only family I have and I couldn't handle that relationship being destroyed. "We need to tell him. He will notice sooner or later when you start showing." Joseph tracing long strokes from my hip to my rib cage. His words are slow and careful. "We will want his blessing if we want to get married." He says nervously.
"We won't need his blessing, because we aren't getting married." I sit up away from him. He is frozen in place, confusion clear on his face from my abrupt movement. "I love you but I wouldn't EVER get married." Rage and anger coming from a dark place inside me.
"I'm not saying we have to get married. People have babies every day without being married but I would like to be married to you one day." Joseph explains sitting up, reaching for my hands. I don't care to be touch. Getting out of the bed and standing completely naked, picking up the shirt I took off earlier and placing it back on. The shirt fits more like a mini dress. Though my skin feels hot and like I could catch fire.
"I watch my mother be married to my dad and take his drunken ways and him being an asshole to her and me and my siblings. She stayed because of that marriage. She refused to leave because God and the church don't believe in divorce. So I took years of emotional and physical abuse from that man because of that marriage." I am now pacing the length of the side of the bed yelling.
"Kate, you're not your mom." Joseph moving to sit on my side of the bed pulling the blankets to cover his lap, his dark hair messy. Reaching for me. I pull away, still not wanting to be touch. "I am not your father." His voice calm and reasonable. His eyes pleading for me to calm down, to reason with him, to sit with him, to allow him to comfort me.
"I won't ever get married. That marriage, my mom believed in killed my baby sister. Then she blamed Adam and me for the accident. She blamed us after that asshole killed Sarah." I didn't realize I was crying until I felt the cool tears rolling down my burning cheeks. Anger, fear, and sadness overwhelm me. My breaths are gasps as I cry for the brokenness of my family and for the guilt that I carry because I asked my mom to come to the football game and watch Adam play. I wanted her to see Becca and me cheer. It was my fault they were there. It was my fault that my dad killed my sister. It was my fault that my family was destroyed.
"Kate…." He reaches for me. I destroyed my family. This relationship with Joseph and baby will destroy the last connection I have with the only family I have left. Everything I touch I ruin. I will ruin Joseph. Needing space, my fight or flight sense kick in and rushing into the bathroom, slamming the door closed and pressing the lock on the door. Once completely alone, crumbling to the cold tile floor and losing control. Sobbing into my knees, wrapping my arms around my legs, becoming a ball on the floor, holding myself as I fall apart.
Knowing I don't deserve a happy ending, with the man I love and our baby. I deserve to be alone. It was my dad's fault for killing Sarah, but it was my fault they were there in the first place. Everything I have pushed down, things I storage in neat boxes and kept behind a locked door are now coming up. Simply because this man I love so deeply wants to marry me. The door is wide up and the boxes of been clawed through, the pain that has been buried down for years, is at the surface now, and I am coming face to face with the truth from that night. I am losing this battle.
"Kate. I didn't mean to make you upset. I am sorry. You need some space. But I am right downstairs if you want to talk. I love you." He says through the door. After a few seconds of draws closing, his footsteps becoming further away as he descended down the stairs.
My sobs pulling me towards sleep, with the weight of despair pressing down on me, balled on the tile floor of the bathroom floor. Falling into a dark and deep dreamless sleep.
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP,BEEP. The sound of my phone ringing sounding far away. Reaching to grab it, and only finding a cold smooth surface, rather than the grainy wooden surface of my side table. Stretching out as the pass hours resurface. I am still in my bathroom, on the floor with nothing on but Joseph's t-shirt. BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.
Jumping to my feet. My body screaming as it works through the aches of sleeping balled-up on the floor. Opening the bathroom door to an empty room, unmade bed and the waves of highs and lows from last night still remains. Finally reaching my phone. Instantly recognizing the number from work.
"Hello?" I answer quickly and breathlessly. Not even sure what time it is. Fighting with my watch to see that it is only 0530 in the morning.
"Hey Kate, its Alex." Alex is one of the night shift charge nurses that work in the Emergency Department. I don't know her very well another then she runs a tight shift and rarely leaves me a mess when coming on to shift.
"Good morning," I said.
"I know this is short notice but, Savannah called out. She has a stomach bug." she explains.
"It's not my call back day," I reply. Knowing that I have to work the next 3 days.
"I know. Kelsey isn't answering her phone and we are still working on 5 individuals from a rollover crash. I know this is a big ask. Please?" Being the first time I am hearing the desperation in Alex's voice.
"Give me 30 minutes." I tell her before saying bye and hanging up the phone. Taking a fast shower, washing the invisible raw wounds that cover my body. Lightly washing my belly. Out of everything that happened last night, maybe this baby is my chance to do better. Maybe there is hope for Joseph and me. To be the parents my parents weren't. Hoping radiating from my belly and healing some of my hurt.
Getting ready for work, feeling as if I am putting myself back together. Still raw from the emotions and revelations but feelings like I have come to terms with my part that I played that night. That meltdown was freeing in ways.
My hair still wet but pulled into a ponytail, my navy scrubs are a little wrinkled from being in the laundry basket, but I don't have to time iron them or put them back in the dryer. Hurrying down the stairs, wanting to see Joseph. Finding the living room completely empty. The pillows are flatten and disorganization as if he had been there. Moving into the kitchen finding a glass of orange juice, my bottles of prenatal vitamins and anti-nausea pills with a note beneath.
'Good Morning beautiful. I have tactical training all day. I love you. J.'
Missing him, knowing that it will be this evening before I get to see him again. Pulling my phone out from the front of my scrub pockets, pressing on 'J' in my contacts to send him a message.
'Good morning. I just got called into work. I will see you tonight at home.Love you.' I thumb out. Realizing this is his home. Maybe its time that we make it more official and have him completely move in. I have plenty of space, though my spare bedroom is going to be transformed into a nursery for the baby. I think to myself while taking a pill from each bottle, popping them into my mouth and washing them down with the orange juice. As soon as I swallow my last gulp of juice, I regret it. My stomach queasy and mouth-watering, not liking my new aversions of food or drinks. Grabbing some crackers from the countertop to help ease my stomach. Quickly leaving, trying to mentally preparing for what work will hold for me. Reminding myself that I will have to take breaks to eat a little something and to be more cautious at work, it's just not myself I have to be worried about.