Dear me
I didn't think we would ever get to this point in our journey. This time we fought so hard to be better and I really do hope this is the last time I fall back into my old ways. It's odd writing to myself but this is the last step I have to take. I never would have thought I'd be in this state of somewhat happiness. Who am I kidding I always expected to be in all reality completely miserable for the rest of my life. Every time I tried looking into the future all I could see was darkness. The only real-time I was remotely happy was when I was fantasizing about Arnold and look where that got me.
These past few months made me realize so much about myself and at the end of all this, I still feel empty. I'm happy right now happier than I've ever been but there's so much I've damaged and hurt and broken. I know this was to make me become a better person but I still feel like the old me. A part of me still thinks when will I mess up again, when will I let everyone down. I know in the back of my mind its fear but its the thoughts that consume me.
I want to feel whole but I know I'm not. I'm so tired of hurting everyone but at the end of all of this im hurting myself. The only real person that has listened to me is . I want to continue to be better but I hurt and I don't know where to place my hurt. I want to be real I want to be able to talk about my problems but I just push everyone away. I'm a coward that can't even send out these letters. But I'm scared because if I do they will know the truth. I'm used to this lonely feeling what will happen when I let someone in. Will I fall back to the way I use to be? Will they hate me? Will I hate myself more.
I've never felt more lost in my life. I have so many questions I want to ask not only to myself but my friends and family. This betterment of myself feels like im just masking the monster I've been to everyone and I'll never be able to make up for all of the things I've done. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. Everyone makes mistakes but I don't deserve any second chances and these thoughts im having are so self-destructive. I wish I could shake off all of these feelings and make them go away but somehow I can't. It's funny really how I've become my own worst bully. Is this my way of atoning for all the things I've done to everyone else? I want so badly to be happy with who I am but I don't know how to. I feel like I'm right back where I started. I just stopped chasing the dream I knew I could never reach.
At the end of all of this, how did I end up feeling worse than I did when I started this. I've never been able to say aloud that I'm miserable, I hate the person I was and I can't make that person go away. I thought that if I could rewrite myself the way I wanted to; to become better I'd be happy. I'm searching for something I don't really deserve. These thoughts are so destructive and I don't understand I've gotten this far and now everything feels like it's crashing down.
I want so badly to be happy and be better now I feel like I lost everything I've worked so hard for because I can't let go. Why do I do this to myself.
Yours truly
Helga