Chapter Fifteen: Blues From Down Here

Yes, the future was unknowable.

Maybe it was fate deciding to teach by example, when, just three days after Bowser had visited Wario in the hospital, he encountered Waluigi again.

Now he knew who Waluigi was, and apparently—

"Bowser, my friend."

—Waluigi knew who he was.

The voice held the same cadence as Luigi and Mario and Wario's— them all being from the same village, it only made sense. In contrast, however, this voice was nasally, and perpetually tinged with a kind of whine.

Most of Bowser was surprised at the voice. A very small part of him nodded along like this was some inevitability.

The man was leaning back against the brick of an old curved building. Perhaps he was trying to look cool, his lanky arms crossed, but at the same time he was standing amidst strewn piles of trash and discarded fruit. On the brick wall behind him was a faded poster of a hunched purple form amassed in shadows, the words FREE TATANGA struck in red at the bottom. The man leaning on the wall was tall, wearing dark clothing (probably purple, it was hard to tell in these shadows)... a familiar hat— with an unfamiliar upside-down L. It was the same human Bowser had seen five days ago.

Bowser had thought that by this point he had discovered the truth, the funny truth— that the tragedy happening in Chai had nothing to do with him, and he had been projecting his own bad memories onto an anonymous villain. His friend Wario was directly tied to the thing (the thing being Wallace or Waluigi, whichever you preferred) but he, Bowser, did not need to feel guilty or worried, because the solution of the matter had nothing to do with him. Waluigi's psychosis was tied to Wario and Luigi, not Bowser.

But still, things weren't that simple.

"Heh heh heh."

A small grin peeked out under the bloated nose.

"Yes, I know it's you. My friend."

He repeated the last word meaningfully, like willing it to be true.

Bowser still didn't get the gist. He was fumbling to put the pieces together in his mind. "What?"

Waluigi detached himself from off the wall. Bowser took a step back.

"I know it's you, Bowser." Waluigi shivered. "Yes. You called me by one of my names. You knew… you thought… it was me. You must be the old King of the Koopas."

From the...depths, I...called...you...

Now Bowser was starting to get it. He was beginning to frown, frown deeply.

"And then He came around, and He said, Yes, it's true, it is Bowser, King of the Koopas. He is a Koopa and he has the face of a king, I tell you it—not by what's on the flesh, but by the eyes—that's what He said, and I knew it was true." Waluigi fidgeted as he spoke. "My old friend, I'd recognize you anywhere."

Bowser couldn't believe this. "You don't know me."

"Of course I know you. Heh, we used to fight a lot. Me and Mario and you. And then… and then, us, we two, were friends. And we both decided to leave this world. But this world wouldn't let us leave, would it? We both survived, we both woke up. And now we're both here, in Chai, in Sarasaland. It's funny. This staged life is strange."

You lunatic, Bowser was thinking, You don't know anything about me.

"Yes, when we talked… you said you would come to Sarasaland. I was looking for someone else, actually…

He was telling me about That, you know…

But by an accident, we met too, I think. It had to be… I had an idea, that maybe in Sarasaland, you'd be here too..."

Bowser's jaw dropped a little. "Wait. How do you know that? About Sarasaland?"

Once, during the darkest times, Bowser had talked with Luigi about things they still had the desire to do. The last few ideas that held any interest in at all— dust-in-the-wind dreams, though they were. And one of Bowser's ideas was that he had wanted to see Sarasaland once, that "strange" Eastern land that ended up not being so strange after all.

Yes, he had mentioned that to Luigi, that one time. But otherwise, it was something he had never told anyone else.

Waluigi put a finger up to the side of his head. "You're confused, because you see me. But I'm here too, Bowser. It's both of us. I am both of us. I figured it out. I figured out how to be complete."

"No, really," Now Bowser was beginning to freak out a little, "How did you know about me wanting to come to Sarasaland? How did you know that?"

"There."

The lanky man struck the full length of his arm out, snapping out, pointing straight into Bowser's face.

"You admit it— you are Bowser. King of the Koopas."

"I'm king of jack shit!" Bowser swiped the hand away like batting a fly. "Now how did you know about me wanting to come to Sarasaland? You're not Luigi."

"That's right. I'm Waluigi."

Crazy son of a bitch!

"You are delusional," Bowser growled, "Your name is Wallace. Your brother is Wario."

"That's true. I am also Luigi. I am Wallace and Luigi. I am Waluigi."

Bowser knew that he was arguing with what was effectively a madman, but there was still some weird rationality behind the man's words, and now Bowser had to know how Waluigi knew what he knew.

(Wario's estimate was off, Bowser decided. You couldn't just call Waluigi schizophrenic. Most people with schizophrenia were harmless. Waluigi had gotten twisted around into some special condition.)

Bowser listed off the points like from a list: "Luigi is in a hospital bed in the Mushroom Kingdom. He's in a coma. He's been asleep for three years. You're not him."

Waluigi spread his arms. "I am there, and I am here. With His guidance, I can be anywhere."

Carry me through these shark infested waters

"And who is 'He'? Luigi?"

"No. I am Luigi. I am Wallace. He is outside. He is outside all of us. But He is also inside of me. He is my protector, my holy spirit. He has brought me here, and through his guidance, I found you again."

"What about Wario?"

"I want nothing to do with Wario. He is one of my spiritual enemies."

Bowser thought back to five days ago— Waluigi's breakdown, his strange crying, must have been at seeing Wario. He was certainly more fluent now.

"Alright. So what do you want then? Why are you killing people?"

Waluigi's face turned grim. "I am not killing people. I am killing women."

Bowser shook his head. "Why?"

"Because!" Waluigi barked. "Because— she— she was the one that killed Luigi! She killed me!"

Bowser blinked. "What?"

"Daisy!" Waluigi's eyes narrowed. "Daisy! Daisy of Sarasaland! It was her! She killed Luigi! I am only part of Luigi, because of her. So I will devour her, I will kill her, and I will release Luigi's spirit, and I will be whole again!"

Bowser couldn't keep his cool— he finally snapped. "What are you talking about, you nutcase?!"

"It's all here!" Waluigi shouted, and he stuck his right hand into his pants. Not into his pockets— literally into his pants, into the space of his underwear, digging around. Bowser instinctively looked away as Waluigi fumbled in his pants. Seconds later the bow-legged man whipped out a bent envelope, waving it up in the air.

"This!" He shouted. "Before Luigi died, before part of him died, he wrote it all down. And he explained everything! That witch, Daisy— he died because of her!"

Bowser realized that the envelope had to be Luigi's suicide note. The one that Wario had mentioned a while back. Now everything was falling into place.

Goddamnit, Luigi, he thought. What the hell had he written in there?— Had he blamed his relationship with Daisy for his fall into despair? More importantly, had he outright blamed Daisy, had he said it was her fault, for his misery? Three years ago, when Luigi had talked with Bowser, he had pretty generally blamed himself. But when it had come time to make a final account, had he written about what had happened differently?

Or had Waluigi simply misinterpreted the note?

"Give me that," Bowser said as calmly as he could.

"This is private!" Waluigi snapped. "From Luigi's heart to Luigi's heart. Not even friends can see it."

"But he… but you left it for other people to read, right?"

"No." Waluigi stuffed the envelope back into his pants. "It was from Luigi to Luigi. No one else can understand what Luigi went through. What I went through. Not you! You didn't understand my pain. We may both be hurt by the world, but you still think this world is fully here." Waluigi stamped a foot on the ground. "You've never talked with a spirit."

A spirit! Good grief.

"He puts us on trial. The ones who are worthy, He tortures us until we start to see right through the world. Then, finally, in the complete darkness, He will speak to you. But he has to break you first. He can't speak to you, you can't hear Him, until you've lost all hope. You get it?"

Madman, Bowser thought. Madman, nutcase... and I feel like his mania is infecting me.

"I know you think I'm crazy." Waluigi rubbed at the brim of his cap with his forefingers and thumb. "Yeah. Everyone thought I was crazy… You don't see, spiritually, how far I've come since we last met. Yeah. You haven't changed at all, but me… I met Him, and I'm saved. No matter what, He is protecting me. I will succeed. It is inevitable."

"Succeed in assassinating the Princess Daisy?" Bowser shuddered. "You'll never even get close. She lives in a castle, surrounded by guards. She's had a world-famous security group for years."

"That's why I'm practicing. I'll practice on others first." Waluigi made a violent gesture. "The more I practice, the more spiritual energy I get. And then, He will deliver her to me, somehow. It's certain. I am His servant. And when Daisy is dead, the world will end. Finally. You should want this too, Bowser. I'm telling you this because you should help me. The world will end, and a better one will be born."

Time for your favorite story

Waluigi sighed.

"Because this world is really small. It's a small world. There's only a few pieces… though it's so complicated, so much sometimes… with His help I boiled it down, and I found the key pieces, the few parts that matter. The parts with the most threads, the parts that connect with the most others. If we break one of those parts, the whole Thing can be flipped over."

A sound echoed from down the alleyway. Waluigi's head turned towards the darkness, and his lips pulled back in a snarl. He looked back at Bowser, and Bowser was struck with a weird fear— something different, new, was breaking through Waluigi. Something altogether animalistic and primal.

But that moment passed too, and Waluigi changed again. "Goodbye."

The farewell was so abrupt that Bowser was only aware what was happening when Waluigi, bow legs moving faster than seemed possible, was almost out of the other end of the alleyway.

Wait— Bowser was going to call. But his breath caught in his lungs. He didn't want to be around Waluigi, but part of him was still curious about him... and part of him thought there was some way of detaining Waluigi, and getting the police to him. But his body knew (some deeper part of him altogether) that to listen anymore to Waluigi was dangerous, and that Waluigi was not going to stay there long enough for the police to come.

Walking, walking. The ones coming down the alleyway were a man and woman— a couple. Upon seeing Bowser, the woman pressed up against the man, and the man threw a protective arm around the woman. The two walked a little faster, past Bowser and out the other end of the alleyway.

Bowser smirked to himself. His anger sunk into the deep before it could go anywhere else.