Chapter 15: Scattered Fragments

I'm sorry Mr. Baldi. I lied.

I pledged an apology to my teacher as I took each unhurried steps forward, letting my tears blend with the raindrops pouring harshly from above. My hair were soaked, clinging onto my face like how my clothes stuck to my body, but I didn't care. I looked up at the sky with hollow eyes, its dark color representing my future. The streets were empty, save for a few cars still on the streets. It was a big rain so the majority of people decided to stay in until it was better. I, on the other hand, had thrown my common sense away long ago. I should be running, I should be scared when there was nowhere to hide from the rain. But instead, I felt nothing. I felt empty, in contrast to the suitcases I was pulling alongside me. Why should I be afraid when all hopes were gone?

I thought back about the day the midterm results came out.

"Congratulations, April. Another success."

Mr. Baldi smiled down at me, rubbing my head again. He had a habit of doing it whenever he was proud of me, but he only did it when there was no one around. Being afraid of the infamous Math teacher, as soon as the bell rung, every student had rushed out of the classroom as quickly as they physically could. Unlike them and my old self, I felt no need to hurry. I wanted to spend more time with him, even if it was just for a little bit.

"Thank you, Mr. Baldi." I shyly replied, glancing at my B briefly before looking up at him. "But I'm a little disappointed. I was aiming for an A."

"Hmm? Why is that?" He asked, his eyebrow lifting a little in surprise. "You were very happy with a B last year."

"Well, I was, but…" I looked away for a few seconds, my smile disappearing immediately as worries and fears rushed to my mind. My hands were shaking, but I tried to hide my concerns because I didn't want them to affect his spirits. "I'm trying to improve, mister. I want to do better than a B."

That was a lie and I knew it from the bottom of my heart. I wanted to be content with a B, but my step-mother didn't allow it.

You're a failure and a shame to me.

I repeated those words over and over again in my head, feeling them haunt me and my soul.

I just turned eighteen this January. That meant I had officially entered adulthood. Most of my friends wished their had an early birthday so that they could become an adult faster and live an independent life, doing whatever they wanted without worrying about their parents' permission. But then, I was the opposite. I wished I had been born late so that I would stay a minor for as long as I could, and the reason was my step-mother once again, just like the source of almost every problem I had encountered during my entire life.

Just a few hours ago, I was just a normal schoolgirl. I was on my way back home when I suddenly saw two big suitcases placed in front of the main entrance to my house. I raised an eyebrow at them, thinking that someone visited our house but somehow forgot to bring their suitcases in. However, upon approaching them, I saw a note, its first words hitting me like an enormous rock falling down from a cliff.

April, if you're reading this, take your stuff and don't come back.

My heart skipped a beat as my head began to ponder the question of what it meant. There was only one possibility, and it wasn't a good one. I continued reading even though the first sentence was enough to tell me everything.

You don't belong to this family, because I don't have a dumb child like you. Seriously, another B? How stupid are you? Can't you try harder and get an A? Don't you know how heartbreaking it is for me? As a mother, I've tried my best to provide you with everything and yet you can't even make me proud, not even once? I could've kicked you out right on your 18th birthday, but I was still too forgiving and gave you another chance. But after that pathetic midterm results came out, I decided that I've had enough. You're a failure and a shame to me.

Don't even bother calling the police or anyone for help. You're an adult now, so have some damn responsibilities.

That note was enough to explain her demand for my spare key this morning, before I left for school, with no context at all. I had no permission to enter that house ever again, that was the reason.

That crazy and unreasonable perfectionist was off my shoulders now, but then many other burdens fell onto me. I just got a job two months ago, so my savings weren't enough to last me even a month. My mother weren't really a generous person either, meaning the amount of my monthly allowance could be counted on the fingers. Where could I even stay with such little amount of money? I couldn't bring myself to stay at one of my friends' place because all of them still stay with their parents. Telling them that I got kicked out of my house would just make their family look at me in pity and even antipathy. And what apartment let me stay with that much money? I didn't just have to worry about rent, but also food. I still had to pay for my tuition fee as well. I was still an eleventh grader, so I had one long year to go before I could reach my graduation day.

It had been hours of walking and I had stopped repeating the question of "What should I do?" just now. Maybe my mother was right after all. I was a failure at life who didn't even know what to do or how to act despite being an adult. The sun had set long ago but I was still moving forward somehow. I didn't know why. There was no hope for me, so why was I still walking? I didn't even know where my feet were taking me. To a homeless shelter, perhaps? It was nearly impossible, really, because I didn't know the way to one. I had an ancient flip phone for crying out loud, so trying to look it up on my phone was out of the question. It was possible that I was just wandering absentmindedly around the city. It was Friday night, the time where students had fun after a long restless week, yet here I was, on the streets with nowhere to turn to. People were probably looking at me like a weirdo walking under the hard rain without any umbrella or protection at all.

The dark way in front of me suddenly became blurry, my body losing balance and falling to the ground. My legs were sore and my entire body felt sick all over. I tried to get up but then saw no point in it. My life here was over. I was done with all these suffering. This was where I would leave this world, on the streets as a homeless and useless girl who was kicked out of her house. Why bother getting up when I had no purpose in life, no dream to pursue? I decided to just sit there and slowly let my eyes close, drifting to wherever my mind wanted to go.

…

"April! April!"

Was that the voice of heaven calling to me upon my arrival? It must be, because I had been unconscious for a while now. The voice sounded so distant, echoing from afar.

"April! Wake up!"

"Wake up"? What did they mean by that? I was no longer in this world anymore, so why waking up in the first place?

"April!"

Someone yelled at me, making me jolt in surprise and forcing me to open my tired eyes. The rain was still pouring, but instead of the streets, I caught sight of two gems that were shining brightly among the darkness surrounding me. Those two gems stared at me intensely as the voice screamed again.

"Please don't scare me like this! I can't lose you again!"

Upon being pulled back into reality, I realized that it was Mr. Baldi, the person I lied to, who was kneeling in front of me, shaking me and desperately trying to revive me. Why was he here in the first place? Why did he care so much for me? Why was he trying to bring hope to me again? Why were there concerns in his eyes? Why was his expression filled with panic? I was an outcast, someone who shouldn't be born from the very beginning. I saw no reason why he should be worried for me.

I soon found myself falling into unconsciousness once more. But before my eyes completely closed, another scream from him was heard as my pendant gleamed more brightly than ever.

"Woah, what a cute little pup!"

A voice was heard as soon as I opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was a young girl running past me, her hair flowing along with her quick little steps. Upon closer inspection, my heart skipped a beat upon realizing that I recognized her. She was the girl I always saw whenever I looked at my family pictures from many, many years ago. In other words, she was my younger self. From her little pigtails, the hope gleaming in her eyes,… I remembered them all. I followed her steps as she ran to a little puppy sitting inside a box.

"I wonder who left him here." A young boy followed suit and looked down at the girl while she happily petted the dog. My eyes were stuck on that boy for some reason. He looked young, probably still early in his teens. His brown locks softly flowed with the wind and his dark eyes was bright and charming. Even his smile was so stunning, a smile that held the beauty of youth, hopes and dreams. I could have stared at him forever if the girl hadn't spoken up and pulled me away from my thoughts.

"Ah, he licked my hand! H- Hey!" She giggled, her voice sounding so innocent and pure. She was me, but we were like two completely different people. She was free from any anxiety and doubts while I was always worried about almost everything, my eyes dull unlike hers.

Just when my mind was beginning to wander again, she said something that sent electricity through my mind.

"He's so sweet. I just met him a few seconds ago, and I already love him."

Those words kept echoing in my head over and over again, ringing endlessly in my ears. Wasn't that what I said when I first met 1st Prize, the friendly robot at my school? And moreover, I said those words when I was talking with… Mr. Baldi.

"Too bad my parents don't allow pets." That boy let out a sigh, cutting my lines of thoughts. "You can't take care of him either, right?"

"Yeah…" The girl had a small frown on her face. "I'm a little sad, but I love my mom. She's allergic to dogs and my family doesn't blame her for it."

Right from the bat, I had already figured out that she wasn't talking about my step-mother. If she had been, she wouldn't have said that she loved her mom, because that was simply impossible. No sane child could love an abusive woman like her. Moreover, my step-mother wasn't allergic to dogs.

Wait, so was she talking about her birth mother? Then did that mean…

"What are you looking at over there, kids?"

A voice of a seemingly older woman spoke up and I turned to its direction, my eyes widening in bewilderment. I saw two adults approaching while walking beside each other. My eyes were on the verge of tears when I caught sight of my dad, the man I'd always loved even after he had passed away. But more than that, walking beside him was a woman in her mid twenties, and it wasn't my step-mother who always had a scary aura whenever my dad wasn't around. This woman had a gentle smile and gorgeous brown eyes like mine, her dark ponytail hanging low on her shoulder. And from the ring on her finger that matched my dad's, my heart beat uncontrollably, tears starting to roll down my cheeks.

"Mom! Dad!"

I unconsciously rushed toward them with my arm outstretched, feeling overwhelmed upon finally seeing my own mother and father after so many long years of being separated. But just as quickly as it came, the emotions rushing over me stopped abruptly when my hand went straight through my mother's body. I took my hand back out of fright and my body started to shake. When I finally had a look at my hands, I found out something terrifying – they were transparent just like my entire body, and I was in a white dress instead of my usual attire. Was this why my body had been feeling so light, as if I was floating on air? I screamed, hands gripping my hair, but my voice seemed unable to reach them. They were just talking normally like I didn't exist at all.

However, to think more about it, there was a high chance that it was true. I tried to get used to the fact that I was basically invisible to them, my voice in vain and not getting to them in any way. Looking at my parents and my younger self, especially my mom, it was now right to say that this was a fragment of my lost memories. What happened that made me not remember this, I had no idea. But this was probably the one and only opportunity for me to get back my memories, to find out what really went wrong in my life. I secretly prayed that I wouldn't just suddenly wake up without knowing why I forgot everything from before I was ten.

"Mom, there's a puppy here, but he looks so lonely… Neither of us can bring him in." The girl looked up at her mom. "What should we do?"

"Hmm…" My mom thought for a while before smiling. "How about we take him to an animal shelter? If we can't take care of it, then maybe someone else can."

"Big bro, what do you think?" My little self turned to the boy next to her.

"Your mom's right, April." He patted the girl's head with a small smile. "That's probably the best solution."

As my dad picked up the box and they all walked away, my eyes carefully looked at my younger self and the boy. Did she just call him "big bro"? Were we blood siblings but got separated at some point in our lives? But if they were, then why would he say "your mom" instead of just "Mom"? Or was he just a friend whom I looked up to? The latter was probably the case.

Out of the blue, my surroundings started fading. I panicked, trying to prevent myself from returning to the real world this quickly. "No!" I shouted even though no one could even hear my pleading. "Don't end now! At least let me know what happened! I don't want to return this soon!"

I didn't know whether it was a coincidence or not, but as soon as I finished my sentence, the blank white space around me morphed back into another image of my forgotten memories. And just like that, I saw bits and bits of the events I had been missing my entire life. Some of the fragments even matched my dreams, except this time, the boy's face was revealed. I learned that this boy was a neighbor living right next to me and that we were very close. He shared every little thing he had with me, from a piece of candy to a toy. He played with me whenever he had some free times, either at his or my house. Also, he was very good at Math and often helped me with homework if I ever had any trouble. We could have been called siblings if it hadn't been for the fact that we were born into different families.

Throughout my entire journey of recollecting fragments of what I had lost, I realized that my little self never called that boy by his real name. Or maybe she had, but those moments weren't shown to me.

After another scene ended, while the world was morphing into another setting, I heard a distant voice from afar.

Happy tenth birthday, April!

I guessed that it had some significance to it. I started to lose my memories when I was ten, after all.

Just after that voice of many people rung from afar, a loud crashing sound came along with something that seemed like a news.

The reporter said that there had been a train crash. It had fallen off a high cliff.

Right after that, I heard the sound of ambulances and the sound of my father's cry.

"Please, doctor! Please tell me that they're both fine! I beg you!"

The world completed its transformation and in front of my eyes was the sight of a hospital room. My ten-year-old self was lying on the bed with medical tubes connecting to her body, the heart monitor beeping loudly beside her bed. There were bruises and bandages wrapped around her entire body.

"Sir, well, your daughter is still very weak right now, but she's not in danger anymore."

"Thank god!" My dad had on a relieved expression but he became worried once more, his hands shaking the doctor. "W- What about m- my wife? I- Is she okay?!"

The doctor was silent for a while, his head looking down. "We… We've tried our best, but I regret to inform you that she…"

That was enough to make tears roll down my dad's tired eyes. He just stood there as the doctor tried to comfort him. Witnessing this made my heart break into millions of pieces as well. My mom was someone very important to my dad. She was his wife, his partner in life and the woman that gave birth to his child, so it must have been such a horrendous news to him. Some people would have gotten angry at the staff, but my father was an understanding person so he just silently shook his head, tightening his fists to hold in the pain that would soon become a mental scar to his heart. Just then, my younger self woke up and let out a small groan.

"M- My daughter… April…" He slowly walked toward his child. "S- She's alright… right?"

"Sir, it's true that she's no longer in a dangerous condition, but…"

The doctor didn't need to finish his sentence, because what my young self said next completely explained it. My dad was so in shock that his whole body froze, but he was still able to sit down and talk it through, though his daughter flinched away from him.

"April!"

Someone burst into the room as he yelled loudly. It was that same boy but he had gotten a lot older and had turned into a young man, probably in his late teens. If it hadn't been for the intense situation at hand, I would have stared at him forever, because he strangely looked familiar now.

"April! Are you okay? I'm-"

"Who are you?"

The ten-year-old girl repeated the question she gave her own father a few minutes ago. The young man stopped in his track as he stared at her in surprise.

"W- What do you mean, April? I- I-"

My dad seemed to have understood why the boy looked like he was in disbelief. But again, he just shook his head.

"She lost her memories, Baldi."

I was shocked as well, but not because of my condition. It was the boy's name that sent a bolt from the blue.

Before my brain could even process what was even going on and why my teacher was in my realm of memories, my surroundings changed and came a scene where me, my dad and Mr. Baldi's family were standing outside my house. Our car was out of the garage and behind it was a huge truck where workers were loading my family's furniture.

"Must you go, Mr. Clover?" Mr. Baldi's mom asked in a sad tone. "April was able to remember you last month, so I thought things were looking up to you."

"I'm sorry for moving so suddenly, but…" My dad looked down at the ground. "But my wife's loss… is too much right now. Staying here just seems to make me recall memories of her."

"I understand." Mr. Baldi's dad gave him a pat on the shoulder. "Farewell, Mr. Clover. We'll miss you. We wish you the best."

"I guess this is really goodbye. Thank you for the amazing times together..."

My dad said as he held his daughter's hand and led her to the car. But before my little self could get into it, Mr. Baldi gripped something in his hand before running up to me, shouting to get my attention.

"April! Wait!"

I saw myself turning back to look at him in surprise. It seemed like the little girl wasn't afraid of him like when she was in the hospital anymore, but the look she gave him was distant and filled with unfamiliarity. Her eyes were no longer bright whenever she was with him, and that seemed to pain him when he looked down at her. The way he did that was exactly how he looked at me when I tried to stay away from him when we first met.

"April, you may not remember this when you grow up, but I want to give you this so that I won't regret it. You may not remember me, but I want this to be my blessing to you, a guardian who will replace me and look after you."

He said, voice full of sadness as he gave me a green clover-shaped pendant.

And that pendant, its sight seemed to trigger something in me. The world around me started to fade away, statics filled my ears as I held my head aggressively, screaming in pain as the realization hit me like a thunderstorm.