…ALMOST 30 YEARS AGO…

'Kili, where the hell are you?!' he was angry, Dis was calling that brat for supper for 30 minutes and he still hasn't come and now Thorin had to go look for him, as if he didn't have anything else to do.

'Kili!' he shouted once more.

He was about to turn around and go back home, when he heard something in their storage. He peeked through the window and noticed Kili lying on the floor. At first, he thought his nephew was sleeping but then he heard a sob. How pathetic, this spawn was lying on the floor and crying, ignoring his mother's calls.

'Breathe…'

Thorin was about to walk in but Kili's words stopped him.

'Don't let… panic… don't –' he wheezed.

Thorin just stood there, looking at Kili's trembling form. For the first time he felt the urge to go to his spare nephew and… touch him… maybe even… hug him. He didn't move, though. He just stood there, looking at his nephew having a panic attack. Suddenly, somebody's dog came into the storage. It slowly approached Kili who didn't notice. When the dog licked Kili's face, he forcefully pushed it away and it hit the locker behind, luckily no tools fell on it. Kili's eyes were unfocused at first, and Thorin looked at him, wide – eyed. So Kili was like that, he thought. He couldn't move, he only stared at the broken form of his nephew who seemed dazed. When Kili recovered, he quickly went to the dog and started apologising to him.

'I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened…' he quietly sobbed into soft fur.

The dog looked at him with his surprisingly wise eyes and licked Kili's face.

'You should bite me, not show affection!' Kili cried. ' How can you still do that, I hurt you!' but the dog kept on licking dwaflings tears from his face.

'I'm so sorry.' He kept on whispering into dog's furry back.

Thorin walked away. He felt conflicted. It was the first time he saw Kili like that. He never cared for him, but somehow seeing him in such state made Thorin want to show this unworthy brat, that he was not alone, that Uncle is there for him.

He quickly showed these feelings away.

Right, he would never hug that. Never.

…NOW…

Thorin freed himself from Gloin, despite his protests. Fili was kneeling, he held his brother in his arms and whispered his sorrys on a loop.

'It's never happened before…' Alsatir mumbled, sorrowfully.

'It's okay, lad.' Balin squeezed Floin's shoulder and he didn't shrug his arm off.

Thorin stood over Fili.

'If you do anything, I swear I will not be able to control myself.' He growled.

But, to his own surprise, Thorin knelt down next to them and slowly brushed his thumb on Kili's cheek.

This was a scene… This was a scene that nobody ever expected to see. Thorin, who was ready to haul himself onto Kili just moments ago, was staring at Kili's pale face with wide, but gentle eyes.

'Uncle?' Fili asked quietly.

'I don't know… Kili… My nephew…' he stammered.

Dwarves were looking at the scene in front of their eyes with disbelief. They all fell quiet. What could they say anyway?

'Thorin?' quietly asked Balin.

'I think he needs rest… We are not in a hurry…' mumbled Thorin. Everybody was surprised at that, because all they've been hearing throughout this journey is that they don't have time, that they indeed are in a hurry. But, obviously, nobody complained, having seen what just happened. If anything, they were all ready to fight Thorin should he say anything other than that.

Fili didn't want to leave his brother's side and, unsurprisingly, neither did Colonists. They were looking at Kili's slowly rising chest with anxiety. Who knows what's going to happen when he wakes up?

…INSIDE KILI'S HEAD…

'KILI!'

He woke up with a gasp and looked around only to see darkness surround him, but a different kind of darkness.

'Where the hell am I?'

'Well, WE, are inside of your head, Kili.'

Dwarf looked up to see the source of the voice and it all clicked.

'Oh Mahal.. What have I done? How am I even supposed to wake up to everything…'

'Kili, we need to talk.'

Kili sighed. 'Well, what is there to talk about, anyways…'

'You, obviously.'

'but… there's nothing I can tell you… I don't know why it happened and I don't understand why I lost consiousness…'

'I can tell you why. I drianed all your energy out of your body, so that you will collapse.'

Kili looked back up at the tall, glowing figure and sighed deeply.

'thank you…' he said with a small voice.

'Nevertheless, you are going to go back there and will have to face your family and friends.' He stated.

'I know… I just need time… I need to think… What am I gonna say… How to explain what happened… I don't know' he pinched the bridge of his nose.

'Kili, I am going to be honest with you.'

'Oh, please, add everything up to my personal list of complaints…' he scoffed.

'You need to listen to me, Kili. Not just hear my words, but really listen.'

'I promise I'll try…' he whispered.

'You are exhausted. Not only phisically but also mentally. Which is why your panic attacks may occuur even on daily basis. You need to rest. I am not telling you that as a concerned friend, but as somebody who knows exactly what is going on in your head and body. And it's bad, Kili. Very bad.'

'I know…'

'Moreover, you have a huge responisibility and you must carry it on your own shoulders, no exceptions.'

'i know.'

'Yet, that doesn't mean that you have to push yourself to your limits, because that will only result in you, not being able to perform well when really needed –'

'I KNOW!' Kili rose to his feet, well, he barerly managed to stand up and keep his balance.

'But you know what?! I am so fucking tired! I have never, ever, shared anything with people, always kept everyting inside, but that's too much! There's only so much one can handle! It's killing me, I literally would rather die than keep on going like that! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE, I AM JUST- I'm just so exhausted…' Kili felt his eyes becoming watery, but, no matter how much he wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry his eyes out, he still couldn't, which made him even more tired and pissed off.

Instead, he fell to his knees and hid his face in his palms.

'I am teribbly sorry, Kili…'

'But I can't do anything about it…' finished Kili with a heavy sigh.

'It is only human to feel like that. To feel stessed, panicked, burdened. But. You must keep going, Kili. Lives of many depend on it. Also… I really do believe I picked the right person to handle the Protector, and, as much as you would like to oppose to that statement, you can handle it.'

'Just tell me how… They are constantly asking me about everything, eyeing me from tip to toe… I can't rest knowing that if I let my guard down, I might slip and everyting goes to nothing… Like with Fili and Thorin… That was a close call…'

'Be aware. Control yourself. And maybe, distance yourself from your emotions.'

'I don't know how to distance myself from emotions… Unless… Can you do that? Can you somehow stop me from feeling? Make it easier? Like you activated the Protector manually or just now drained energy from my body?' Kili looked at him with hopeful eyes.

'I am sorry, but no. I only control the power, not you directly. I used the Protector to use up your energy, but that's just as much as I can do to help.'

'Good thing I learned to not get my hopes up very high…' Kili sighed.

'Kili, rest for now and later, after you wake up, go to sleep to regain energy. In here you will only get as much to wake up and maybe you'll be able to walk for a small distance, but then you are going to collapse again, go back here, come back to reality, wake up, function for a while and so on.'

'Alright…' he sighed. I still don't know what I'm gonna do when I do wake up, though…'

...BACK TO REALITY…

About an hour later, Kili's eyes fluttered open.

To his pleasant surprise, he was alone. Others gathered farther, they were eating and talking.

He remebered what the god told him – he needs to sleep. So, as quietly as possible, he tried to shift his position slightly, because he got all stiff laying on his back for who knows how long.

'You're awake!' cried Fili happily.

Kili froze. Fuck.

Fili slowly walked towards Kili, who got up to a sitting position.

'Can I come or would you like to be left alone?'

Kili was very much taken aback by that question. Usually, he himself had to ask them to leave him or he would come up with an excuse to go away, but this time around Fili actually asked him if he wanted his company… How weird…

'Whatever…' he sighed. He noticed that just sitting up has taken a bunch of his energy and he could already feel it leaving his body.

'Oh really? Is it a whatever, Kili?' asked irritated Fili. Even after he gave him an actual choice, Kili still couldn't just be honest with him and tell him off.

Kili just sighed and closed his eyes.

Fili, since he was given a whatever, decided to do what he wanted and came up to his brother. To his surprise, Colonists didn't even move and just sat there, looking at them.

Fili sat opposite to Kili and stared at his brother. Just stared, not saying anything.

After a few minutes, in which dark – haired dwarf almost fell asleep sitting, his brother decided to finally break the silence.

'I wanted to say that I don't blame you for that punch, maybe I even deserved it, after all the pushiness…' said Fili.

Some mumble escaped Kili's lips.

'What did you say?' Fili came closer to his brother to hear him better.

What did I tell you? Go. To. Sleep. But I can't… It's not a matter of a 'can', it's a matter of a 'must'. Right…

'Leave me alone, please.' He managed to murmur to his brother.

'I asked if you wanted that, for Mahal's sake! Kili, you could've just said 'leave me alone' and I wouldn't even bother you so little! Hey!' Fili noticed how his brother lulled to the side and got scared that he was fainting again.

'If he's awake, we can finally go.' Stated Thorin.

'I don't think he can go, Thorin…' whispered Balin. 'Look at him, he's like a sack of potatoes.'

Oakenshield stared at Fili's attempts to talk to his brother who kept on dazing off.

'Fili, leave him. He apparently needs to sleep. Unless, he wants to be given a piggy back for a few hours.' Thorin lightly smiled at the memory of Fili on his back, telling him to go faster. That smile vanished as soon as another memory came to his mind. He remembered Kili collapsing in the middle of their backyard out of starvation and overtraining and Thorin himself telling him, that he can even sleep here, for what he cares, because he sure as hell won't be dragging his ass home. He knew Kili was struggling with eating and overworking himself, but he didn't do anything. And today, he saw how broken the boy is and couldn't stop guilt from slowly seeping into his heart.

'Alright, but maybe Oin should take a look at him? What if he's sick and that's why he collapsed?' Fili turned his worried eyes at their uncle, who seemed lost in his own thoughts. 'Uncle?'

Thorin blinked a few times and turned his attention back to reality.

'Sure, but I think it might just be exhaustion that caught up to him.'

Floin scoffed.

'I wonder what took it so long. He should've collapsed like that months ago.'

'Floin…' sighed Alsatir.

'Oh, don't misunderstand me. I'm just thinking, that maybe if it happened earlier, he would've gotten a chance to stop and think about how much he's taken upon his shoulders and get some real rest. Not just a few hours of sleep. That's not the kind of rest he needs…'

'What are you suggesting?' Alsatir already had an idea of that 'rest', but he could've been wrong, so he asked.

'Going back to Colony. Or tying him up, drugging him and then dragging his ass there and when we arrive – locking him up in his room and chaining him to bed!'

'With all due respect, but when we met him in the dungeons, he was already looking worn out.' Hissed Nori.

'I am not saying it's your fault!' cried Floin. 'All I'm saying is, that there was only one time I saw him sleep throughout this week…' he sighed.

'It's not like he's been resting well back in Colony as well…' Bongin earned an irritated look from Floin 'Oh, come on, we've been brushing it off for so long, trying not to hurt his pride or whatever… and look where it got him…'

'Some friends you are…' Dori shook his head.

'What did you say?' Floin eyed him dangerously.

'If you truly cared for him, you would never let him do this to himself, is what I'm saying!'

'You will choke on these words.' Growled Bongin.

'Lads, come on, cool down.' Alsatir stood in front of them with his hands raised.

'Why should I let THEM call ME a bad friend, when all that they have ever, EVER, done, was neglect him! If you think that we are totally clueless, as to what has happened to Kili back in his younger days, you are so wrong! Yes, he probably told us the smallest fraction about his past that he could, but even that was a lot! You are monsters, no less!' he screamed.

Floin's outburst was met with silence that was broken by an unexpected speaker.

'I think you should all close your mouths…'

Everybody looked at Thorin who was at his nephews' side.

'I thought my reasons were enough to justify my treatment of him… Now, I'm not so sure.' He sighed 'I've done a lot to him, a lot that I shouldn't have…'

Silence followed Thorin's words but Bongin decided to break it.

'It's nice that you admit it and all… but he can't even hear you right now…'

Dwarves didn't know what to do, Thorin's never admitted that he mistreated Kili, even in the slighest way. They felt ashamed as well, cause despite noticing it, they were all silent. Kili's voice pulled them out of their own guilt – filled thoughts.

'Yeah, he can…' he said 'But, to tell you the truth, he doesn't care if you're sorry or if somehow your consience started to function again. I know you're a king, or at least are seen as one, so maybe you think that people owe you understanding when you ask for it, no matter what, but it's not the case this time. I've had enough of this.' He stood up and waved Fili's hand away 'I am going to help you get to that cursed mountain of yours, but only beacuse I have my reasons for it. Not for you. Or for you.' he looked at Thorin and then at Fili 'Now, if anybody will feel the need to either tell me to rest or will try to interrogate me about my past, well, that person should just skip it, because he will only be presented with silence. That's all. Now, I guess we should start moving, we've lost enough time in here.'

With that statement, he picked his quiver and bow up and gave Thorin a look of 'what are you waiting for, let's go!'.

Nobody moved. They stood there, anxious and terrified. Something about Kili semmed to have shifted, his hard stare and formal, cold words, were like daggers to his friends hearts, who felt more at loss than ever, it was the first time Kili ever spoke to them in that manner and didn't leave any room for an answer.

They set off. While walking no one talked. They were all lost in their own thoughts.

How was it? Ruthless enough? You think it cooled their tempers down? It sure was something, Kili… I cannot believe I am saying this, but maybe my idea wasn't the best… It was great. Now, they will be scared to even ask me whether I want breakfast. That's exactly what we wanted. I like it.

Kili, in his own thoughts, was trying to convince himself, that it is his best option.My speech had it all. No empathy. No room for discussion. Distance. Coldness.

'And evil.'

Kili stopped. What did you say?

I said it was evil. Evil of you to do that to them.

'Kili?' Fili turned around and stopped as well, when he noticed his brother was not walking anymore.

Did I just hear you right? THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED, FOR FUCKS SAKE!

Kili cursed and released air through his teeth, furious that no matter what he does it's always bad or incorrect, or too much, or not enough.

'I can't believe I'm saying this… but I think we are at the bloody edge!' shouted Dwalin.

Kili still didn't move and earned a few worried stares, but no one dared to talk to him, not yet.

'OH SHIT! ORCS!'

That pulled Kili back to reality.

I am not sure whether you will be able to help them. You only slept for a few minutes. Actually, I'm surprised you were able to walk that far… Shut up.

'RUN!'

Whole company took off after their leader, but Colonists didn't move an inch.

'What are you standing for?! Run!' Fili shouted to them.

Kili noticed they were looking at him.

'Go.' He said.

Only then did the Colonists started to move.

What happened next was hectic, to say at the least. Dwarves were forced into the river and cluthced onto any branch or piece of anything that floats that they stumbled across. Kili's leg was hurting a lot but he still managed to keep Oakenshield's burglar and himself afloat.

After what seemed like an eternity, they finally lost the Orcs who couldn't keep up with the river's strong current. It, thankfully, slowed down and dwarves were, one by one, getting out of it and onto solid ground which they greeted with biggest enthusiasm.

'Hobbits don't swim, we DO NOT swim!' Bilbo sqeaked as Kili dragged him out.

'Maybe they don't swim but, as any other living creature, they can float!' growled irritated Kili.

'Not if they don't know how to!' responded Bilbo.

'YOU. JUST. FLOAT.' Kili didn't even know why was he so pissed with the hobbit.

'It's easier said than done…' mumbled Bilbo.

Kili run his hand through his hair and sighed.

'Oh my, Kili your wound must have reopened in the river!' said Bilbo as he saw blood going down his companion's leg.

'It's fine.' Kili simply said.

'Oh, is that so?!' Floin slapped Kili's thigh and he gasped.

'What are you doing?!' Fili was already by his brother's side.

'Just proving him wrong.' Stated Floin.

'A'right… You proved me wrong.. It hurts like hell.' Kili panted through clenched teeth.