Disclaimer: I don't own Steven Universe!

Title: I don't need the world to see, I've been the best I can be

Summary: Greg and Barb become an item, forcing Sadie and Steven to find middle ground between their hectic lives.

...

Starboy: so my dad lost his hair recently

PinkMufasa: steven im srry to tell u this but he's been losing his hair for a long time now
PinkMufasa: it's called going bald

Starboy: I'm not talking about going bald
Starboy: I'd add cuss words but I'm tryna be a decent role model

TheBitsTheBits: I'm not!
TheBitsTheBits: Smartass motherfucking cotton candy lookin shitheap.

PinkMufasa: wow damn peedee

TheBitsTheBits: just giving our illustrious spaceman a proper earthling farewell

PinkMufasa: oh right that reminds me

-PinkMufasa changed their name to Cap'n-

Cap'n: it just feels right you know

Yalldve: boo you already used that one
Yalldve: chat names aren't plastic recycling them ain't sexy

Starboy: BACK TO WHY I CALLED U HERE
Starboy: In a recent spat my father bravely sacrificed his locks to escape a gruesome fate
Starboy: And it's kinda bumming him out
Starboy: So I figured, hey, I'm ordained, let's have a funeral and show him just how much his hair meant to the people in his life

Cap'n: I'm sorry you're WHAT

Connie: you think he's kidding but he's not
Connie: I've seen the paperwork

Starboy: A lot of Gems find marriage to be this super cute and super hip Earth thing, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to, yknow, be legally able to marry them
Starboy: Also my mini-moms asked and I love them so I did it
Starboy: Again besides the point
Starboy: Let's give my dad's styling looks one last farewell

STEENSTEVEN: I could use some shitposting today, why not

Starboy: Alrighty
Starboy: We're here today to remember the many years of LooksTM Greg Universe's hair gave us
Starboy: From bedhead to Meeting The Parents smooth to that time he got an entire cone of cotton candy in it
Starboy: It was a true unit and will be missed

sadiekiller: it awed children for many years
sadiekiller: and those it didn't awe shook with fear every time it whipped in the wind
sadiekiller: wait shit

-sadiekiller changed their name to LookingForward-

LookingForward: it's not the most original but it's a draft so it doesn't have to be

Starboy: ANYONE ELSE WANNA CHANGE THEIR NAME BEFORE WE CONTINUE

Yalldve: I'm good thnx

glowstix: this is my essence lol

2Cool4Skool: man I'm in college u think I got time to chnge this
2Cool4Skool: I barely have the time to breathe rn

LookingForward: can we add Shep?
LookingForward: they really liked meeting all of ya'll

Starboy: ye sure
Starboy: is it cool if I wait until after this tho?

LookingForward: oh yeah sorry, continue the sermon

Starboy: We will all miss his lucious locks
Starboy: But the memories of its bravery will live on!
Starboy: My dad's hair has singlehandedly saved entire breakfasts from touching van floor before
Starboy: I mean we couldn't eat it after but it was still a ten point save

Connie: Mr. Universe's hair has saved me from frostbite
Connie: by taking all the cold into its own
Connie: bc he showered right before walking me home in the middle of a snow storm
Connie: I owe it my life and will promptly name my first child Sasquatch after it

Starboy: Connie pls
Starboy: Sasquatch WISHES it had that kind of style

glowstix: mr gregs hair was definitely the defining feature of rock-n-roll
glowstix: every time he got on stage and that huge ass mop started blowing?
glowstix: miracles of music were born my doods

Cap'n: it only hit me in the face once while I waited behind him on a windy day

Starboy: A true gentleman
Starboy: Trendsetting
Starboy: RIP in peace 198smth to last week
Starboy: And may the new, Disney-esque hairdo he sports manage to live up to even a portion of it

Connie: think of it as a right of passage Mr. Universe
Connie: every girl dreams of losing their hair in a dramatic fashion to banish oppressive forces
Connie: to think I paid like thirty bucks to do it at some lame salon

Yalldve: I had to sneak outta my house the first time
Yalldve: You've lost so much but it's a victory for certain teen girls everywhere
Yalldve: respect the rebellion and grieve the rebellion duder
Yalldve: also can you throw another bbq soon I love ur hamburgers

Starboy: Stars bless, hallelujah, amen.

Author's Note: I promise I have some more serious stuff planned, but a buddy on tumblr recommended this idea and I literally couldn't NOT.

Also I rlly wanna add Shep but I have no idea what kind of nickname to give them- any suggestions?

-Mandaree1