Authors note: Happy Holidays friendly readers. My gift to you is yet another angsty Hurt/ comfort chapter. This one is a bit longer.
The next morning when the Soldier awoke, he remained silent as he watched his Steve sleep next to him on the reclining chair. The Asset reflected on the internal dysfunction with in his mind and recognized that the times when he felt the most confused and scared and venerable, the most dysfunctional, he was unable to rely on his conditioning to help him maintain his functional stability. If he was not behaving in accordance with his conditioned responses that were part of his Hydra programing, then that meant he was acting like Bucky, and not like the Winter Soldier. This idea created a nauseating realization that the Asset had not considered when first taking on the personal mission to become Sergent James Buchannan Barnes and re-establish his former operational protocols under the command of Captain Steven Grant Rodgers. Bucky Barnes was not functional, he was not mission ready, and he was not in anyway an Asset to Captain America. Barnes was nothing but a weak, broken and malfunctioning mess. He was scared and helpless and afraid and completely pathetic. He was a crying, shaking, whimpering coward who could not even protect himself from being captured and used by Hydra, let alone provide back up and protection for the Captain. The Asset was behaving erratically, and had become unstable due to the emotional responses from the growing tide of constantly distracting memories and debilitating flash backs.
The former Hydra Asset considered this apparent fact and glared down at his broken metal arm, huffing with irritation as he acknowledged what a completely useless creature he had become and how pointless his mission to relearn how to be Sergeant Barnes truly was. He felt himself becoming angry as he thought about how hard he was trying to remember his former self and that anger fueled a wave of resentment as he considered the fact that Steve was encouraging him and in fact wanted him to remember who he use to be. He shook his head and glared at the sleeping man with a bitter frown, swallowing down his urge to shout at his Steve and demand an explanation.
After only a few seconds of the heated gaze, Steve's eyes began to blink open, as if he could sense the intensity of Bucky's anger. He looked at his friend with a confused frown and shifted to sit up fully, leaning forward and reaching out a hand. The Asset did not flinch and simply stared down at the hand settled over his clenched fist, jaw muscles tight as he huffed out an irritated breath.
"Bucky?... What's wrong?" Steve asked with a slightly anxious tone. Bucky continued to stare down at the hand on his until Steve pulled it back and sat up strait.
"Bucky…. I need you to answer me." Steve's tone became more serious and was underlined with his Captain's authority. The Soldier responded, bringing his gaze up but only to Steve's chest, anger still dark in his blue gray eyes, jaw muscles flexing before he spoke between clenched teeth.
"Why don't you want me to be functional?!" His tone was quiet and calm but laced with resentment and tempered rage. Steve blinked a few times and considered the question.
"Bucky,… I do want you to be functional,… We are going to get your arm fixed as soon as…" Steve was interrupted as the Soldier shook his head once and let out a frustrated growl.
"Steve,… The arm is not the only defect that requires mantaince. My cognition is malfunctioning,…I have become erratic and unstable." The Asset spoke the words as if he were reporting to his handler but could not conceal the contempt in his voice. Steve winced and instantly thought of the first video Rumlow had sent and those same words spoken by a Hydra scientist when Bucky had lashed out. The Captain studied his friend who was once more hidden within the Winter Soldier programing and tried to make sense of his current mood.
"Bucky,… your mind is still healing,… You are just having a hard time dealing with your recovered memories but it's okay to be erratic and unstable right now… You don't have to be….." Again, Steve was cut off as The Soldier shook his head and finally brought his eyes up to Steve's face with a look of seething anger.
"NO!... you keep saying it is okay,… I am okay,… But I am not… James Buchanan Barnes is weak,… he feels too much, his memories serve no tactical purpose, they only distract and confuse,… The Winter Soldier is strong,… He is a functional Asset,… James Buchanan Barnes is just a useless and broken man,… Why don't you want me to be functional Steve?... Why do you want me to be Bucky?..." The Soldier spoke with a voice that was quiet but shook from restraint, his frustration and anger forcing him to speak defiantly toward his Steve despite the nauseous pit in his stomach as his Hydra conditioning warned him not to challenge his Handler.
Steve opened and closed his mouth, wiped a hand over his face as he let out a heavy sigh, and then leaned forward, deciding that speaking gently to the irritated Winter Soldier was not going to work and instead he had to challenge him back. In some ways the Soldier was just like Bucky, stubborn and driven but Steve could match him on that front.
"I want you to be Bucky because that is who you are! Everything strong and functional about the Winter Soldier, everything, is because of James Buchanan Barnes! Hydra chose you because you were the only one resilient enough to survive Zola's experiments. Sergeant Barnes was the man who watched my back and covered my ass during the war. Bucky was the kid who protected me from the thugs and bullies in Brooklyn and cheered me up whenever I needed a friend. Who you are now,… the MAN you are now is not useless and broken,… You are healing Bucky… You are recovering,… And I know it is hard,… I know you get confused... but feeling bad or sad or angry is okay because that is what you need to do in order to be truly functional and not just some mindless Hydra Asset." The Captain's voice was even but stern and underlined with steel. The Soldier's eyes narrowed and he snorted a breath as he looked away, jaw muscles clenching again as he gritted out a reply.
"Bucky is pathetic,… Hydra knew he was,… And so do I… You told me I have permission to express choice and want,… I do not want to be Bucky Barnes,… I do not want to remember him and I do not want to feel… I want to be the Asset, code name Winter Soldier,… I want to be functional again!" He spoke without looking back at Steve and kept his body ridged and braced for a strike. Even though Steve had not disciplined him once since arriving at the Tower he knew that defiance would only be tolerated for so long and he had some memories in the past of Steve fighting him.
The Captain felt his gut twist and his own anger flare up at the words spoken by Hydra's Asset that was willfully keeping Bucky trapped and locked away. He rose from his chair and leaned over the Hospital bed as he used one hand to grab his friend's Jaw and force him to meet his gaze, both men locked in an intense stare and battle of wills.
"The Asset is not functional, … The Asset was only a weapon used by evil people who wanted to destroy everything you and I ever believed in,… Everything we fought for. YOU ARE SERGEANT JAMES BUCANAN BARNES!... You are a man, who can think and feel and understand what is right and what is wrong! Hydra made you forget how to function as a man, as the man you truly are,… One of the best men I have ever known… You are better than Hydra's Asset because Sergeant Barnes is stronger than The Winter Soldier... And that's why you are afraid of your memories,… Because the Asset can't understand how to feel and think but Bucky does,… And if you will just let go of Hydra's Bullshit then you will know that its true...Please." The Captain's voice had started off a commanding speech with a tone of admonishment but had ended with a voice that sounded just as desperate and frustrated as the Soldier felt in that moment.
The Winter Soldier watched the look on his Steve's face go from grim determination to something softer and searching. Bucky blinked as he let out a shuddered sigh, gripped by a jumble of mixed emotions that for some reason made him want to punch Steve in the face and then kiss him on the mouth. That strange and yet compelling sensation hit him hard and he felt heat race through him but he quickly pushed the feeling away and jerked his head out of Steve's grip. He lowered his eyes as he turned away with a blush of embarrassment, avoiding the entrance of the medical suite where two Avengers had watched the tense exchange.
Steve let his hand drop as he stood up and looked up at the small audience who stood in the doorway silently observing. Sam and Natasha stood side by side, Sam with a concerned frown and Natasha with an eyebrow arched.
Steve looked at his teammates then back down at Bucky who was glaring down at his lap, flesh hand clenching the blanket white knuckled, deliberately controlling his breathing.
"What's going on?" Sam asked with an even tone taking a step inside as Natasha moved toward Bucky while Steve walked toward the Falcon. Natasha gave Steve a nod before sitting down at the edge of Bucky's bed, hands folded in her lap, body language deliberately non-threatening. Steve sighed heavily and shook his head, giving Sam an anxious and frustrated expression.
"Common man,... lets get some air." Sam slapped him on the back pushing him toward the hallway as Natasha patiently waited for Bucky to look up and acknowledge her, watching the anger and frustration simmer beneath his submissive demeanor.
The Soldier kept his breaths even and measured as he listened to the sound of Sam escorting Steve out of the medical suite and toward the elevator, voices low and mumbled as Steve explained the Soldier's verbal defiance. He sat perfectly still and focused on slowing his breaths until he was still and silent, compliant and willing to submit. The Black Widow was there to assess his disfunction and determine if his defiance qualified as a threat toward Steve or the other Avengers. She was waiting for him to engage and he swallowed down the urge to groan, feeling completely exhausted and more emotionally volatile then he had felt in his time living as Steve's Bucky at the Avengers tower.
"Freedom isn't all hot baths, eating real food and choosing what movie you want to watch…" Natasha spoke with a flat, even tone sounding more like an asset then an Avenger. Bucky turned toward her but didn't look up, waiting to hear what the Black Widow would say next. She sighed as she shook her head and looked away toward one of the many nature photographs in the room.
"Steve has no idea,… none of them do,… really." Natasha shrugged casually as she continued staring at the photo of the tree frog while in her peripheral vision she saw Bucky raise his head just slightly, intently listening to her words.
"There is a certain gratification with a job well done,… A mission completed,… the relief of not facing punishment because you preformed as required." She nodded, seeming to be speaking her own thoughts aloud, asking for no reply but just his attention. "But once you take a step away,… Once you start actually making your own choices,… start using this… precious new freedom that should feel like a gift,… instead of a curse…" She looked back toward the Soldier and they made eye contact, a sense of understanding and a quite acknowledgment that she knew why he was resisting, why he wanted to fall back into the simplicity of following orders. "It feels unreal, and….. undeserved..." Natasha's eyes bore into the Soldier who met her gaze with his own intense expression. "Once you realize,… just how much blood,… and pain… and death you have caused,..." She swallowed and in that moment, she let him see her, not the cool, calm, collected Black Widow or the smart, Sexy and confident Natasha Romanoff, or even the aloof yet quietly motherly Nat. Her eyes looked just as hunted and troubled as his own, mouth in a pout and shoulders slightly hunched, a reflection of his own inner conflict. She shook her head as he regarded her with caution and distrust, surprised she would leave herself vulnerable and exposed.
"I'm not gonna lie to you Barnes,... the guilt,… the feeling that you will never get clean,… That everything you've done,…every life you took and every order you followed stains your soul… And you hate yourself for what you let them make you into,…. But the idea of being anything else, of feeling anything else terrifies you even more…" She shook her head and looked away from him again closing her eyes for a moment before continuing. "It doesn't go away,… But it does get easier,… Because the reward,… the reward of free will,… of choosing how and when to use your skills,…" She looked back at him with a small, honest smile. "That reward,… is better than any relief from guilt. Compliance is not rewarded,… Compliance is forced,…. And choice is given…" She slowly reached out and set her hand on his as his eyes dropped down to track the movement, body still, ridged and tense.
"You have been given back your right to choose,… think about what that means,… before you let Hydra's choke hold smother your chance to breath as a freeman,… instead of muzzled as an Asset." She rubbed her callused finger tips, nails unpolished over the knuckles of his flesh hand that had loosened from gripping the sheets white knuckled. He watched the small pattern she traced through his scarred fist, letting his hand relax further as he swallowed down an urge to beg her to stay, feeling cold and frightened of his own uncertainty and inner conflict.
Natasha stood up, exchanging a look of sincerity and a depth of understanding that Bucky felt drawn to and yet intimidated by. He blinked and lowered his eyes again, his anger replaced by contemplation and a heavy heart as he realized that he was the only thing holding himself back from being Bucky, and that idea was both liberating and crippling all at once. He did not watch as she walked silently away and out the door, pausing briefly to speak to him in Russian.
"You just need to find the courage to let yourself fall apart,…let go of your programing, so the Winter Soldier can die… Only then can Sergent Barnes truly live." Her voice was certain, almost challenging and for the briefest moment he felt a stirring of heat in his veins, but as she walked away and left him alone, he once more felt the chill of useless anger and he shivered as he realized that he was at a loss of how to fight this battle, and he had no idea what it would feel like to win.
…
Out on the rooftop Steve's face was turned up toward the early morning sun, eyes closed as he let out deep breaths, clenching and unclenching his fists, willing himself to calm down and think instead of just letting his frustration cloud his judgment. Sam stood nearby, leaning against the railing as he quietly studied Steve, just like Natasha had done for Bucky, waiting until he was calm enough to listen. After another few measured breaths The Captain let out a deflated sigh and rolled his shoulders, blinking as he looked over at Sam, face crumpled in worry.
"What am I suppose to do Sam?" He began with a groan.
"Steve…" The VA counselor sighed as the Captain continued to ramble and began to pace.
"He said he didn't want to be Bucky, that he was choosing to be the Asset..." Steve grunted with reignited frustration.
"Steve…." Sam tried again standing up strait with his hands on his hips.
"How am I supposed to help him understand? I need to figure out how to get him…" Steve was cut off as Sam stepped in his way and placed a hand on each shoulder.
"Steve… This isn't about you,… this isn't about anything you are doing or not doing,… This is about a brain washed POW, that is rediscovering his own humanity and coming to terms with a lot of emotional baggage, most of which he can hardly recognize or begin to understand…Remember when we all said this wasn't gonna be easy,… And that we would just take things one day at a time?..." Sam smirked as Steve sighed heavily and nodded, looking off to the side and then back at Sam with a beaten expression.
"Everyday he makes progress Sam,... Everyday he is remembering more and learning to trust us,… how can,… why would he want to go back to being the Winter Soldier?... I know it's hard but Bucky was never a quitter and…"
"Steve,… Like you told him down stairs man,... Everything strong about the Winter Soldier comes from Barnes not from Hydra right?" Sam asked and received a nod as Steve wiped his face and shrugged. "Okay,… So If he is use to operating and functioning as the Winter Soldier, as an emotionless killing machine designed to follow orders and not question authority…. don't you think maybe allowing him self to feel vulnerability and guilt and remorse might feel a little bit like surrender,… Like he is losing his grip on what makes him powerful and useful and worth wile as an Asset, the only identity he fully comprehends?" Steve listened to Sam and shook his head opening his mouth only to have the VA councilor cover it with his hand.
"I know that you remember how kick ass your old pal was,… but right now,… All he remembers is a lot of pain and suffering, with a little bit of sun shine in between… The realization of what he's been through and what he has done for Hydra is a tough pill to swallow Steve… Your right that he has made a lot of progress,… Real progress,… but it's only fair that you accept he is gonna have his bad days... Days when feeling and thinking like Bucky hurts more then disassociating and going numb and complacent... Let him work through this…You can't just wave a magic wand over his head...You can't just tell him to let go of Hydra's Bullshit when that is all he knew as truth for so long." Sam tried to get Steve to understand, to come to terms with the fact that Bucky wasn't just going to reaper once his memory came back.
The Captain looked away as he sighed heavily, stepping out of Sam's grip and over to the edge of the tower, looking down at the street where people were begining to move about for their day.
"He's trying to break through Sam,… Bucky is in there,… You heard him the other day,… When he was fighting back…" Steve looked over at Sam with a heavy sigh shaking his head. "Every time Bucky shows up,… he is scared and in pain and confused,… And then The Winter Soldier programing takes over and doubles down,… And it's like,….. it's like Bucky is locked away and the Damn Winter Soldier is keeping him prisoner… I just want to help him break free." Steve spoke softly, sounding emotionally gutted as he looked back down at the streets of Manhattan. Sam joined Steve at the edge and offered a small shrug.
"Maybe The Winter Soldier isn't his prison guard,… maybe he protects Bucky,...it's possible the programing feels like a suite of armor,… Lets him dissociate so he can hide from how horrific his life was as Hydra's Asset." Sam looked over at Steve who met his gaze with a contemplative expression.
"All you can do is show him why his life is better now as Bucky instead of as an Asset, and give him time to figure out how to come to terms with all the shit he's been through,…. He can't just be Bucky again Steve,… you know it's not that simple." Sam patted The Captain on the Back as the two remained in shared silence on the Roof, considering how to help the Sergeant reclaim himself in the face of unthinkable guilt and anguish.
…
Steve decided to give Bucky some space and went with Sam to go check out a random VA support group that met in one of Stark's numerous community rehabilitation clinics in New York for homeless Veterans, many of whom were suffering from PTSD and addiction. The Captain sat in the back with his ball cap pulled low as he and Sam listened to men and women of all ages talk about the ugliness of war and how their lives spiraled out of control and lead them to depending on drugs or Alcohol. Some of the older Veterans talked about doing opium in Vietnam and using heroin when they returned. Some of the younger soldiers explained their path of addiction started with pain medication and how they ended up on the streets after their PTSD left them with violet flash backs that alienated them from friends and family. The sense of immense guilt and shame were common themes in some stories while others seemed stuck in a state of anger and defensive aggression. There were moments of tension and at one point a man started screaming at another who challenged his unwillingness to accept responsibility for his actions. Steve was going to stand up and get involved but Sam grabbed his arm and shook his head as the VA counselors running the meeting called in their own security team who de-escalated the situation and removed the irate man who seemed to be on the verge of a psychotic break.
By the end of the hour Steve seemed less anxious then he had been earlier that morning walking there and instead he was quiet and contemplative, thanking Sam for bringing him. He excused himself after, insisting he needed some time alone to think and would meet Sam back at the Tower. The Captain took a long walk around Central park as he replayed the stories of the veterans from the clinic and then thought about Bucky's own tendency to drink heavily during the War, glassy eyed and lost in thought as he stared into the camp fire, oblivious of the Commandos around him. Steve had shared his concern about Bucky drinking too much with Peggy but also recognized that it had never seemed to compromise his accuracy in the field. When he confronted Bucky about it late one night in their shared tent it had resulted in a heated argument that left both men angry and sulking for the better part of two days. It was the grim and nauseating sight of being faced with yet another mass grave outside of a small polish town that brought an end to their stubborn avoidance of each other. That night all the men drank with haunted expressions by the fire, including Captain America.
When Steve returned to the tower that afternoon, he avoided going back to the medical suite he shared with Bucky and instead arrived at the large, somewhat informal gathering of doctors and neuroscientists who were all conversing around a large buffet. The men and women all greeted the Captain with excitement and eager expressions as they talked about what an honor it was to meet him before once more returning to their own medically oriented conversations. Steve sat quietly off to the side, barely remembering to eat as he looked around at the rapid conversations of some of the world's most brilliant minds who spoke at each other, with each other and over each other all at once with Stark leading the mayhem and Banner interjecting once every few minutes as he listened to his colleagues. There was a doctor from Japan who specialized in robotic neural connections and he used a translator who was interacting with a young woman who appeared to be deaf and had her own translator there. A quiet man in an ornate African robe who had mentioned Wakanda had brought with him his own digital blue print of a prosthetic design and was showing it to Stark as other's used pads of paper or napkins and scribbled out calculations or took notes and sent e-mails. All around was a frenzy of conversation and Steve felt a sense of being overwhelmed and lost as he tried to make sense of any of it.
His mind drifted as he thought about one of the Veterans who explained how her PTSD felt when she was having a panic attack, the noise and chaos, not understanding anything around her and how she relied on her medication to help her feel "doped up" enough to not become violent. Steve wondered if that's how it might feel for Bucky once the Winter Soldier's programing finally cracked and he was left without the conditioned state of compliance and mechanical calm that kept him maintained as a functional Asset.
Steve blinked rapidly as he was shaken from his thoughts by a buzzing sensation in his pocket. He retrieved his phone and read the text message from Jarvis with a concerned frown.
Sir, Sergent Barnes is refusing to eat. He has not ingested any substance orally in over 46 hours and will not respond to the directives given by his medical team.
The Captain let out a sigh as he rubbed his forehead before standing up with his half eaten plate of food. As he walked toward the doorway Bruce intercepted him, phone is hand.
"I'm guessing Jarvis let you know about Bucky's hunger strike?" Banner offered a small smile and shrug as Steve nodded with a swallow, looking down at his own mostly uneaten plate.
"Nat told me about what happened earlier, … I know this is a lot Steve,…. for both of you." Banner spoke with a low, comforting tone before gesturing toward the buffet. "Bring him a plate and eat with him,… Maybe don't try to force anything,… just let him eat at his own pace…. If he is still not eating in a few hours, we will reattach his IV and figure out what is going on from there." Banner smiled and nodded as he pat Steve on the back before refilling his mug with green tea and joining the others who were in a spirited debate over the attachment joint in the shoulder and how to minimize discomfort and maximize flexibility.
The Captain piled both plates high with an assortment of different food and a mug of chicken noodle soup that reminded him of cold nights when he felt sick and his mother's recipe would warm his bones. As he entered the medical suite, he was greeted by a few concerned faces of the treatment team who all nodded in his direction as they stayed back away from Bucky who was sitting completely still and silent, head down and breathing even but heavy. As the Captain drew closer, he saw his friend's body brace with tension, but he did not otherwise acknowledge his presence.
Steve walked up to the side of the bed and set both plates down on the side table before grabbing a chair from the dining table to pull up next to Bucky. He smiled and nodded as a nurse offered him a few napkins and two cartons of orange juice that was infused with electrolytes and extra nutritional additives. It was a special blend Tony had nick named "Super OJ" and was a favorite of the Avenger's after long missions.
Steve then turned his attention toward Bucky who had raised his head enough to glance in Steve's direction before looking away when their eyes met. Without any words spoken the Captain poked straws in both large cartons and positioned the mug of chicken noodle soup with a spoon it in toward Bucky with a plate of food next to it. He then picked up his own fork and started eating from his plate, hardly tasting the food as he consciously focused to not look up at Bucky. He could feel his friend's intense focus on him as he watched his Steve eat in silence.
Bucky's stomach was cramped with pain and his head throbbed with a dull ache. His mind had been chasing it's self in an endless loop of trying to decide if he needed to continue with his mission to become Bucky or if it was necessary to go back to his numbed, detached existence as the Winter Soldier. To be an effective Asset to Captain America, he knew the Winter Soldier programing would be useful in the battlefield, but to be Steve's friend when not engaged in active combat, he knew Bucky Barnes was who he had to be.
The Soldier had been left alone most of the morning with the exception of a few Doctors and Nurses who offered him protein shakes and rice pudding, the latter a treat he had asked for often. Unable to escape the mental conundrum, he remained silent and withdrawn into himself, not meeting their faces as his own mind seemed intent to rip him in half with anxious racing thoughts that each demanded his attention and provided contradicting logic. These battling arguments were accompanied by vicious glimpses of violent Hydra memories and past missions alongside soft, unfocused glimpses of Steve that stirred up feelings that the conflicted Asset could hardly understand and added to his growing anxiety. He watched Steve eat with a migraine pounding between his temples and a sickening knot in his stomach that wouldn't let him eat even if he wanted to.
After several long minutes Steve heard a shuddered breath and looked up as Bucky turned away and covered his face with his flesh hand, shoulders beginning to shake as silent tears streamed down his face. Steve let out his own small sigh and carefully moved the table to the side before taking a seat facing Bucky on the bed and placing a hand on his friends lowered head. The connection brought with it a muffled sob as Bucky leaned forward still shaking as Steve gently pulled him close into a gentle embrace, speaking soft and low against his temple as he let Bucky shelter himself in his protective arms.
"I'm here Bucky,… I've got you pal,… We are in this together." Steve promised as he made a conscious effort not to use the words ' your ok' or 'it's going to be okay.' Bucky was strong and resilient, but he was definitely not okay and Steve was beginning to understand just how difficult it was for the Asset who was the Winter Soldier and the Man who was Bucky Barnes to understand and accept his own mental instability and the fear that was invoked from feeling helpless without any control.
"I'm sorry Steve,…. I do not know how to function,… I do not know what I need to do….." Bucky pulled back slightly and with a trembling pout and eyes that looked lost and desperate he clung to his Steve's shirt with his flesh hand. "Please,… just tell me what to do,... tell me how to be Bucky,…I will comply but…I… I don't know how,… I don't understand…" His voice was a pleading whisper, choked with raw emotion as he begged for some way out of his confusion, some clear and direct path that would help him achieve his mission to become Bucky Barnes.
Steve felt his chest constrict and his throat became tight as she shook his head with a sad smile and kissed Bucky's forehead before pulling him back into his embrace.
"Just give it time Bucky,… everything just takes time,… The only thing you can do Buck is to let your self feel,… All the good and the bad,… Everything,…I promise I will be with you the whole way pal,… I won't let you face this alone… We are in this together Bucky… 'Till the end of the line." Steve spoke the familiar promise, an oath they both swore long before they had been torn apart by war and forced to live without each other's love as an anchor. His own eyes grew wet and Bucky let out another sob, tears soaking Steve's shirt as he gave into the order from his Steve and felt the intense emotions rip through him, letting the onslaught of memory hammer against his exhausted and battered programing that tried to resist. He would comply, he would let himself fall apart as long as Steve was there to help him piece everything back together, maybe then he could finally make sense of who he was supposed to be.
End note: The struggle is real for our dearest Sergeant Barnes!... He has been trying so hard to focus on learning how to become Bucky but with the mission mentality of the Winter Soldier. The cognitive dissidence created by his thoughts and feelings triggered by memories is something he has no way to understand. That is why he is now beginning to have more and more emotional break downs.