The Vault

[sounds of combat in the background]

ROLAND: Roland here! Decided to record this entry live, since, uh… might not have an opportunity later if Angel's warnings turn out to be true. Lilith, Lance behind that rock!

LILITH: On it! [phaseblast] He's toast.

ROLAND: Brick, cover Mordy as he takes on that Arch Guardian!

BRICK: [roaring madly]

MORDECAI: Come on… sit still you pendejo… GOT IT!

[sniper shot, distant screech]

ROLAND: Nice shot! Okay, so, after we cleared out the Crimson Fastness we followed Tannis' directions towards the Vault. Turns out it was pretty easy to find, since the area was crawling with Lance soldiers. [burst of rifle fire]

BRICK: Moooooore! Bring me bloooooood!

ROLAND: The Lance weren't ready for us to attack so quickly, so we cut through their rear guard in no time. From there we started following the path towards the Vault, running into more Lance and Guardians fighting each other on the way. We've been fighting our way through both groups for almost an hour now.

LILITH: Mordy, behind you!

MORDECAI: Get 'em Blood!

[bird screech, death scream]

ROLAND: Resistance is getting tougher, so I think we're almost to the Vault.

Angel: Please, you must hurry, there is no time left! Steele is already there!

LILITH: What's stopping her then?

ROLAND: Us! She wants us to be there so she can gloat!

Angel: I hope you're right. Because if you aren't there to stop what comes out, nothing will matter!

MORDECAI: Okay, I think we're clear! Blood doesn't see anything still alive.

BRICK: This… was the best two hours of my life. And it's not over yet.

LILITH: Bit low on rounds, but I think we're as ready as we can be.

ROLAND: Alright… let's go.

[sounds of a massive door opening, a few minutes of silence]

ROLAND: There she is. Ready to gloat.

MORDECAI: Want me to put a bullet in her before she can start?

ROLAND: Don't bother, she'd just deflect it.

LILITH: Wait, how?

ROLAND: Her siren power lets her deflect attacks for a short time.

LILITH: What! Oh that is bullshit!

BRICK: Like your power isn't any less broken.

LILITH: I… I mean… okay, you've got a point.

STEELE: There you are, Vault Hunters! At last you've arrived, but too late. The contents of the Vault are the rightful property of the Atlas Corporation. But you… you belong to me.

ROLAND: Fuck you, Steele! We've fought through your whole army to get here, and you won't stop us now!

LILITH: We're the ones who got the key, we earned the Vault!

MORDECAI: Hand it over now and we might let you leave.

BRICK: [uproarious laughter] I won't!

STEELE: Silence! I don't have time to waste on you any longer.

[siren energy whines, loud rumbling and crashing]

ROLAND: Holy crap…

STEELE: Yes! The key works! Captain, get your team ready to go inside. Leave the Vault Hunters to me.

LILITH: OH SHIT! LOOK BEHIND YOU!

STEELE: Do you think I'm so dumb as to fall fo- AAAAAAAAAH!

[unholy screams, smashing and shooting from the Lance]

MORDECAI: QUE MIERDA!

ROLAND: What in the hell is that thing!

Angel: It's called the Destroyer! The Eridians locked it away in the Vault to protect the universe from its hunger!

BRICK: We're fighting an abomination from beyond space and time? Badass.

Angel: In its home realm is it untouchable, but in order to exist in this dimension it needs to take on a physical form! You must kill it now while it is vulnerable, before it can adjust and strengthen itself beyond our ability to harm!

LILITH: And just how the hell do we kill something like this!

Angel: The same way you kill everything else on Pandora! Shoot it in the weak points!

ROLAND: Let me guess! Eyes, mouth, and those glowing purple things on its tentacles.

Angel: Yes, those! Now hurry up and shoot it!

ROLAND: Alright guys! This is it, our big moment! Now, group up, and shoot it til it dies!

BRICK, LILITH, MORDECAI: Yes sir!

[long minutes of combat, explosions, and Brick's screaming]

ROLAND: It's almost dead, just needs one more hit!

BRICK: I know just what to do! Lilith, blow me up!

LILITH: What?!

BRICK: Send me into the air, I got this!

LILITH: I hope your idea is crazy enough to work, Brick! [phasewalk detonation]

BRICK: WOOOOOOOOO! MORDY, GIVE ME BLOOD!

MORDECAI: Help him out Bloodwing!

[bird cry]

BRICK: Alright Blood! Let's make the world explode!

[long bird cry mixing with Brick's yells, massive explosion]

ROLAND: Holy hell! You blew its face apart!

BRICK: Fuck yeah I did! Most Badass Thing Ever!

Angel: You did it! You killed the Destroyer! Oh thank goodness. You did so well, thank you.

MORDECAI: Hell yeah we did! Alright, now that that thing is dead, let's loot the place!

Angel: Um, about that…

ROLAND: What?

Angel: The only thing in the Vault was the Destroyer. There's no loot inside it. Sorry.

[long silence]

BRICK: Oh you gotta be shitting me.

MORDECAI: You mean to tell me we spent all that time on this planet for nothing!

Angel: Not for nothing! You did save the universe from a massive threat!

MORDECAI: But we're not even gonna get paid for it!

Angel: Actually… I think Tannis will give you a handsome reward if you give her the Vault key. Consider it a gift from me for a job well done.

LILITH: How much is handsome?

Angel: 100 million dollars. Each.

[short silence]

BRICK: I can live with that.

ROLAND: I'm just happy we killed Steele. The money's just a plus for me. And besides… have to be alive to complain about no loot, right?

MORDECAI: [sighs] Yeah, I guess. Still a letdown though. Let's… let's just go give that stupid key to Tannis.

LILITH: Hey, uh, guys… since we found the Vault and all that… are we going to still stick together?

BRICK: Yeah, of course we are.

MORDECAI: Why would we split up? We're a group of ultimate badasses now. And friends too.

ROLAND: You all are more my family than my real family ever was. I'd never want to leave if I can help it.

LILITH: Aw, you guys…

ROLAND: Well, now that we've killed Steele and defeated the evil inside the Vault, I guess this is it. Not sure what we'll do next, but I'm sure it will be interesting. Roland's log, signing off.