Flashlight

Chapter sixteen

Important note before you read this chapter: The way that the therapist is portrayed in this chapter is not an accurate representation of the way they are supposed to work. It was instead written in a way that would serve this story better. Without it, this part of the story would drag on and I did not want that at all. Simply because you've all had to be patient enough already. This is a slow burn, but that would basically make it a full stop. I am not that mean haha. So, my choices were to speed things up a tiny bit, and though it does not depict reality, I hope you understand the necessity of it.
Now on with the chapter itself!

'When things seem too good to be true, they usually are.'
Those had been the words your mother had spoken repeatedly throughout your life. Whenever something happened that got you overexcited, she'd say them in an attempt to caution you. As a child, you hated that, even if she turned out to be right most of the time. Back then, you were often so helplessly optimistic and though some of the shine had been erased with the years, optimism never truly left you. You always did look for the best in people, excused behaviour, interpreted things in the least negative way you possibly could. You could put a spin on just about anything. Of course, that wasn't necessarily a good thing, at least not all the time. Things were looking really good right now, getting you so excited for a future where things were shiny and bright. Perhaps you should've heeded your mother's words just a little bit more.

The second date that Bucky took you on was much better than the first. All pressure had simply disappeared and there was more room to relax and enjoy for the both of you. Sure, Bucky still lacked that bit of confidence that he used to have, but if his bright smile was any indication, you figured that all he needed was time.

That date had restored your sense of hope, hope for a good relationship and a happy Bucky. Even if he didn't end up with you, he'd be okay and that was a god realisation to get. Though, truth be told, you were really hoping that he'd be with you. That he still loved you as much as you loved him. The mere thought of him not picking you for the long haul was terrifying.

Those fears and insecurities were quieted when several more dates followed those first two. Soon butterflies were running wild in your belly again. A simple smile of his was enough to make your knees buckle and he seemed to understand you without a single word being uttered. Interactions were nice and comfortable. Things were good.

Of course there was still a voice in the back of your head, telling you to talk to him about all that had happened. Your problems wouldn't just magically disappear because you were re-discovering your love for one another. You still needed to talk about why he left, what kept him away and what made him push everyone out of his life. It wasn't just you that he had driven away, he had done it to his friends and family as well. And the questions that arose from that needed answers. Things needed to be explained, you knew that. It was just so much easier to avoid all the pain and drama that would follow those answers. It was easier to remain in the bubble of love that the two of you were currently in. A bubble fuelled by bright smiles and those persistent butterflies.

You should've known that life would find a way to make you face everything, make you work through them. It was impossible to ignore it all forever, no matter how hard you tried and unfortunately you found that out the hard way. Though as hard as it was on you, you were certain that it must have been even harder on Bucky.

You were slowly awakening from your slumber, shifting your position to get more comfortable. With a content sigh, you gently padded your pillow and met a hard muscled chest. No wonder your neck was a little strained. Your eyes shot open at the realisation that you had fallen asleep on Bucky. You couldn't even remember when it happened and how far you got into the movie that the two of you had been watching. Carefully, you sat up and saw that he had been sleeping as well. The relaxed expression on his face making you smile.

This was your third movie date since the two of you had decided to give this relationship another go and you had quickly fallen into a routine. A familiar one at that. Where he grabbed the drinks, you got the snacks and you argued needlessly over which movie to watch before finally settling on whatever Netflix recommended. As the movie played, you'd slowly moved closer to him until you were snuggled up against him. He had wrapped his arm around you tightly, holding you close to him. Eventually, your head had laid down on his chest and you had listened to his heartbeat. The slow beats relaxing your whole body and when he laughed, that deep rumble in his chest brought a smile to your face. It was intoxicating, pulling you in and hypnotising you. Especially combined with his wonderful scent washing over you.

Bucky began to wake up as well and you sat there, watching him as different emotions crossed over his features. You smiled when his eyes opened and shot back a lazy one of his own. He stare turned more intense and your breath hitched before you leaned down to kiss him. There had been a lot of kissing these past few weeks, though most of them had been calm, lazy and they could last for hours. This one was different, it didn't hold the same calming effect and instead things got rather heated fast.

Your hands moved through his hair and your nails lightly scratched his scalp, pulling a soft moan from his lips. His hands began to roam your body, starting on your hips and moving up your sides. A few beats later, his thumb made contact with the side of your breast and your both stopped kissing momentarily. You stared at one another intensely for a moment or two.

Pupils had been blown out, lust taking over and nearly banning all colour from the irises. Your lips quickly captured his again and the kisses resumed even more frantic than before. You carefully moved back and laid down on the couch, pulling him with you. His body on top of yours caused a heat to course through your entire being. His hands were hungrily moving over you and your heart was hammering in your chest. By wrapping your legs around his waits, you pulled him as close as possible. Both of you were out of breath by now, but neither one seemed intend on stopping.

A moan left your mouth as his erection pressed against your heat and he growled at the sound. His hands moved underneath your shirt and yours tracked the road to the hem of his. When his hands brushed your bra-covered mounds, you moaned and tugged at his shirt, ready to remove some of the clothing that was still separating you. When you moved to get up and off his body, however, everything came crashing down.

Bucky jumped back suddenly, as if bitten and his face was horror stricken as he tried to catch his breath. Your mind was reeling and confusion got the best of you, slowing down any further response to his actions. Except the sudden chill that was now grabbing hold of your body.

"I-I can't," he breathed softly, "I'm sorry."

He stood up fully and backed away from the couch, quickly stepping into his shoes and not even caring that they weren't on his feet properly when he hurried to the coat rack. With his jacket in his hands he practically ran for the door.

Rejection was the overall feeling that you were left with, but you still jumped up and went after him. Managing to reach him before he made it to the staircase, you quickly wrapped him in your arms. All you wanted to do was crawl into a ball and cry yourself to sleep, but a part of you was screaming to make it all better first. To comfort him and soothe his pain, effectively ignoring your own.

It wasn't easy to convince him to come back inside, but you did. Partly for him and partly for what you two could be. If he had left, you wondered if he'd ever come back again and you weren't ready to give up. Not by a long shot. He wasn't ready to talk, but agreed wholeheartedly that this was not how you should end the evening. He shouldn't run away now. And so you both settled on another movie, sitting stiffly on the couch and barely registering what was happening on the screen before you.

So much stood between you now, you knew that, understood that on a deeper level. Love alone was not enough, as much as you both wanted it to be. There was work to be done, so much of it that it was terrifying to you. You both needed to move past all the had happened in the past few years and the effects it was still clearly having on the both of you.

You knew he loved you, as much as you loved him. There was no doubt about that, but there was a big part of him that could not relax, that had trouble accepting himself and you had no idea how to help him. You didn't even know if all you had done so far was doing more harm than good. Neither one of you ever addressed that. Ignoring the red flags and all the damage.
That night on the couch had highlighted just how disconnected you still were. You both just wanted this to work so badly, that it had been enough to suppress everything else. And you so desperately wanted to help him. That was why, when his therapist had invited you to sit in on a session with Bucky, you had jumped at the opportunity.

At the time, it did not even occur to you that the man could possibly have something to say that you weren't ready to hear. You never imagined that he would say what he said and that he would break your heart in a bigger way than Bucky ever could have done. But over the course of the hour, the man, Dr. Adalain, informed the two of you just how wrong it was to jump back into this relationship. He had been kind and gentle in his wording though he spoke in no uncertain terms. He was clear in his intentions.

Dr. Adalain was convinced that Bucky was making careful progress and that he needed to walk this path alone. Not to say that he could not be helped in the process, he still needed support and love, but he needed to build up his confidence. Bucky needed to believe in his own worth and possibilities. And he needed to get there without leaning on you.

The doctor also mentioned that he thought you had been far too kind to Bucky, practically cuddling him by trying to kiss away all problems. Neither one of you was making the other face the harsh truths of life, even though eventually the would need to happen. He surmised that, probably because of the love you have for him, that you worried too much. Worried about hurting him, offending him and even breaking him. It made it easier for Bucky to ignore certain issues, while simultaneously increasing his guilt. Because Bucky did have a lot of guilt, he explained.

You had taken that moment to stare at Bucky, tears streaming down your face and realised just how true this was. Yes, you had known about the guilt, to some degree. You had just never realised that your current relationship was doing nothing to deal with that. Then again, you hadn't been dealing with any of the issues that stood between you.

On Bucky's end, the doctor had explained that it wasn't helpful to place you on a pedestal. The years he had been away, he had been comparing everyone to you. And nobody had come close, as nobody could hold a candle to your kindness, grace and beauty in Bucky's opinion. It had caused him to further isolate himself.

Dr. Adalain did applaud the love that you had for one another, though he also realised that in this step of recovery it wasn't really what either of you needed. He reasoned that Bucky would first have to start seeing you as a person again, flaws and all. While you needed to stop fixing everything for him and covering his behaviour with excuses, under the veil of love.

Before Bucky's stint in the army, the two of you had been growing, evolving and you had done most of that together. At the same time, there had been plenty of time for personal growth. There had been trust that it would work out in the end, that you'd always find the other in your path. After he had lost his arm however, all that progress had stopped. Trust, in life mostly, had sunk to an all time low and neither one had dared to stray from the other. At the same time, so much had changed between the two of you that it had been hard to keep up.

Throughout the entire session, you could see the reasoning of the therapist. Though that didn't mean that you were entirely ready to accept it. You understood that you both needed to process the past few years, let go of the pain and confusion, before you could move on from it. It was just incredibly hard to accept that you could not do that together. And that realisation ripped through you like a sword.

"Perhaps you should each take some time apart, create some distance, while you work out your own process,"

The words were a rational result of all the things Dr. Adalain had spoken, and wasn't meant as some hurtful form of punishment. He wanted to give you room to grow as individuals. However, with your heart beating out of your cheat and your throat contrasting with the burn of more tears, it certainly felt like a cruel sanction.

Walking out of the office, Bucky had pulled you into his side as he tried his best to comfort you. His attempts were weak and you knew he was struggling as much as you were, though he had mastered the art of hiding his emotions from almost everyone. Still sniffing, you leaned into him as he walked you home, not a word was spoken along the way. Not until you stepped over the threshold of your apartment, did another word get uttered.

"I think we need to take some time to let this all sink in," you whispered and Bucky just nodded in agreement. You both knew that emotions were too big right now to think rationally.

And so he bent down to kiss you deeply once more, pulling you into him and holding you close for just a little while longer, before he finally walked out the door. His face, the portrait of a broken man, and you were certain your expression mirrored it.