Trying not to love you

Welcome back, love having you all here! I so miss the show! But I have been watching Roswell New Mexico and have tried my hand at writing for that show. Pop over there and let me know what you think.

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Chapter 14- Broken Crayons

Sam watched her closely as she lifted it to her mouth, her teeth tentative to bite into the meat. As she leaned forwards Sam watched the sleeves of her sweatshirt slip down towards her elbows, a streak of marks across her delicate skin cast in the shadows.

Sam swallowed hard, he almost chocked on the bite he had in his mouth. He tried his best to school his facial expressions as best he could calling for a stone look to grace his features with all his being. But it was too late, Andy saw something cross his face, or flicker in his eyes and he knew that she knew that he had seen her wrists.

Andy dropped the rib strip into her plate, her feet shuffling around to find footing so that she could stand up and walk away, but Sam's reaction was more masterful than hers was, his reactions quicker.

In a swift move Sam used his free hand to reach out and take hold of her hand, never more thankful than this moment that he had mastered the art of eating ribs off the bone with one hand.

"Don't," Andy tried to pull her hand back into her own personal space, Sam tightening his grip just enough for her to know that he wasn't letting go. She winced the word out, a desperate plea imbedded in her tone. But he wasn't listening. He dropped his own rib strip into his plate, fumbled for the serviette he had tucked in under his plate and smeared the sauce left on his fingertips onto it before finally giving Andy's hand another gentle pull forward.

She sat frozen before him, her eyes wide and glistening, fear spread out across her face. But she relented her hand and Sam drew it even closer. He turned her hand to face upwards, the inside of her right hand wrist now inches away from him. He reached out with his free hand and slid her sleeve up towards her elbow…..

Sam took a moment to draw in a shallow breath before his hand reached the material. He had no idea what he was about to find. It was bad enough that her red admission bracelet occasionally peeked out from under her sleeve and that he had ascertained for certain that it was for a suicide watch patient.

Sam took care to wipe his face of anything and everything that was, could or would crease across it.

Andy sat dead still, Sam wasn't even sure if she was breathing.

When her sleeve was up far enough Sam turned her wrist towards the nearest light just over his left shoulder, the brighter illumination casting even more marks across her skin.

Without thinking Sam reached out and ran his fingertips up her arm from the base of the palm of her hand, across the umpteen marks. It stopped just after the marks, halfway up her forearm.

Feeling the rippled skin beneath his fingers, Sam drew in a staggered breath, his mind not willing to co-operate. Andy's head had tilted forward, her lower than his posture resulting in her face being obscured from his line of vision.

She did the unexpected when she slowly moved her free hand to now rest mid-air between them, dangling between nowhere and each of them. Sam let his fingers leave her hand and arm, reaching out to the newly extended limb to repeat his actions. This time he wasn't able to stop a really ragged sigh leaving his lips, Andy's eyes flying up to meet his intense gaze.

She didn't pull away there just sat there with watery eyes, her lip tucked in neatly between her teeth.

He couldn't tell what she was feeling, couldn't pinpoint one emotion. There were too many. He saw unbridled fear, complete and utter remorse, embarrassment and what he read to be….. pain?

Sam ran his fingers over her second set of scars, and fresh marks. Some small round scars next to the thin and thick lines that adorned her flesh.

Whatever had made her do this, had broken her, scared her for life and more than this visibly on her skin. It had ripped her heart out and shredded her soul.

Andy sniffled, a whisper in the silence as she looked down to where Sam's hand held hers and his fingers traced fire up and over her scars.

She had no intention of revealing her arms to anyone, not to mention to someone she didn't even know anything about. But maybe that's what made it easier. Months and months of guilt and hurt finally boiling over and creating this moment in time.

She tried to get a read on Sam, but it was hard.

He wiped what he was thinking from his face before she had time to decipher it. She thought she saw…

Was confusion, … ? …. Contemplation, concern?

But there was never a look of disgust, or pity that crossed his face.

His eyes flashed to a lighter colour and his clenched jaw softened just the slightest bit, barely enough for her to see "Broken crayons still colour in." his words seemed to draw out barely above a whisper and the fact that he had yet to let go of her told her that despite fearing that everyone would be grossed out by her scars, maybe not everyone would judge her when they saw them.

Sam wasn't judging her now.

But he was a cop, he worked Guns and Gags and had probably seen some of the worst things imaginable.

After a few moments Sam withdrew his hands back into his own personal space, an un-missable chill filling the space around his skin where it had touched hers.

Andy moved back on the bench, her demeanour shifting as she seemed to withdraw into her shell. A chill spreading in the air between them that was distinctly new.

She felt horrified at what she had just shown him, thought that she made a mistake.

"I get it," he mumbled even if he knew it was stupid before he said it. How did he get it? And what was there to get? He had no clue what put those scars there.

Andy didn't respond, she shifted around and fiddled with her plate and fork still resting in her lap.

The moment had tuned awkward, it went from intense and deep and dark to icy cold in less than ten seconds.

"I turned my Dad in before I even finished high school. Took my sister out a crack house and out of state. Spent eleven weeks living in motels and my truck moving around so they wouldn't find her. Weeks of withdrawal, weeks of looking over our shoulders." Sam leaned back onto the backrest of the bench after setting his plate down on the wood beside him. He trailed off there, he didn't do the whole talking thing, didn't share. But he knew that f he ddnt say something Andy would retreat into a deeper hole than the one she had just emerged from. she had shown him a piece of her tattered soul, and he couldn't let it fade.

"Sam…." It came out whiney. Her voice cracked and then muted as she let it hang. He looked her way and found a forced grin on his face. He wanted her to know that he didn't want pity, or for her to even feel bad. He wanted her to know that everyone had their own baggage, some just a little more than others.

Andy didn't know how to silence her mind. It was yelling and screaming a thousand things at once. Her skin was electrified by his touch, warm embers of flesh trailing up hers as he ever so gently felt the ripples on her skin.

it sent a shiver down to her toes, a tingle up her spine.

She hadn't expected his brazen admission when he spoke about his family history, it threw her for a loop and caught her off guard.

They sat there each lost in their own thoughts for an immeasurable amount of time. Happy to just be.

After a while Noelle appeared and asked Andy to help her clean up. Sam left them and went to help a golf shirt that was stacking chairs and folding up the tables.

Noelle gave Andy a pointed stare but didn't say anything.

"That's not a good idea Sammy." Jerry had seem a very relative and intense moment between Sam and Andy while they sat on the bench. He didn't want to pry, but they had a no fraternising between patients and staff policy and Andy wasn't in a good place. Although she had shown massive strides in improving, she was in a much worse place than Sam was. She was going to take a long time to heal.

"What's not a good idea Jer?" Sam didn't miss his name being rolled over into Sammy, so he rolled Jerry into Jer in response while feigning being oblivious to the what Jerry was referring to.

"Her." It came out as a short, sharp reply. Sam avoided looking in Jerry's direction because he wasn't in the mood to be told what he can and cat do, he didn't like rules, didn't follow rules.

Rules were there to be broken.

She couldn't sleep. Her mind wouldn't tone down or shut off.

She kept thinking about Sam, his touch. His reaction to her scars. His words "Broken crayons still colour in."

She wasn't entirely sure if he meant it for her or for himself. He hadn't exactly had it easy either. From what he had said he had his own baggage and it wasn't lightweight. Staring at the ceiling Andy rolled over and contemplated getting out of bed. She had spent the entire night after her encounter with Sam tossing and turning unable to sleep.

But it didn't matter, soon they would be parting ways, a graduation Barbeque held for one of them as they were allowed to return to life outside these walls.

Andy sighed, life in here was much more laid back than real life out there.

Here she didn't have to pretend, she could just be herself.

Sam vowed to never let history repeat itself.

He felt the cold sweats come on as his body temperature rose ten degrees in under a second.

He thought he was passed this point, apparently payback from the universe wasn't agreeing.

The tremors returned, this time more subtly than before. The pit of his stomach became engulfed in fire, a sickening feeling engulfing his insides.

He made it to the shower, stripped down and opened the cold water taps to full blast before stepping in under the icy drops.

Running his hand over his face he let out a deep breath before his hands found the tiled wall where they braced themselves in a bid to hold him up.

Aftershocks weren't terms used just for earthquakes, they happened to recovering drug addicts too. They weren't as severe as withdrawal, but they could and would usually come on at the most inconvenient time. Like now, when he was lost between thought and sleep.

Sleep, something he needed but just couldn't seem to find.

**** Thanks for reading, hope you'll leave a review?

See you soon

JBJ