I clear my throat and cross my legs. "…Hand me your laptop." I don't know what I'm going to do with the laptop but I know that it'll be a quick distractor. I just need him to leave me alone and it doesn't seem like he's going to do that, so as long as he's not gonna do that, I have to look at something else other than him. I just don't get it with him. I don't get how when we talk…I feel it. I feel like I'm talking to my soul mate when we talk. I feel so much tension between us, like it's just building up and building up inside me and it's going to explode and I'M going to explode in a big pile of feelings for him. How does he not feel that? How is this so one sided?
How is it that when I see him, I see… my future, if that makes any sense at all? I see more than his shaggy, wavy light brown hair. I see more than his perfect jawline and his perfect lips. I see more than his chiseled body and his muscles. When I look at him, I see someone that's just as crappy as me. I see someone that I should be with, someone that I WANT to be with. I see the person that I want to see when I close my eyes at night and open them up the next morning; the person that I would undoubtedly change my mind about. Him down on one knee in a few years and me, teary-eyed and happy to say yes…that's what I see. I'd be happy with him and I can see that every time I look at him. How is it that I feel something so powerful when I'm in his presence but he doesn't feel anything at all?
And I can feel myself breaking, that's the bad part. I can feel myself tearing at the seams and wanting so badly to stand up on this couch and scream at him to just leave me the hell alone because this is torture. Stephanie was right, of course. This is nothing but cruel, inhumane, unethical torture to me. For me to have to sit here and fake this smile while he talks to me about his wedding…for me to have to sit here and act like I'm not completely turned on by the conversation we just had…for me to ignore the fact that I feel like I have a magnet in my mouth and it's drawn to a magnet in his mouth. But like I said before, I'm freakishly good at hiding things.
Because I don't know what else to do and I don't want to torture myself any longer, I grab my cell phone and go straight to Stephanie's contact. She told me that she wouldn't drink at Joe's so that she'd be okay to drive and come get me, but when she comes to get me, I'm supposed to drop her off over Leah and Heather's and take the car home because she does want to drink over their house. I wasn't expected to come home from Alex's this early though so I might just go over to Leah and Heather's too. I need to get drunk. No…matter of fact, I DESERVE to get drunk. I sat in a room for hours with someone that I'm dying to be with and I haven't even said so much as a word to him about how I feel. I think I deserve a drink or two or three or ten.
"H'lo?" Steph answers her phone on the third ring. I hear music playing loudly in the background so yeah…they must still be at Joe's. I'm starting to wish that I had blown Alex off. I mean, I know that if I had blown him off and went out with Steph and the others, I would be sitting at the bar right now wondering if I had missed out on an opportunity to spend alone time with him. I would be sitting there miserable thinking that I might've just missed the chance to grow closer and maybe get him to develop something more than friendly feelings for me. I know I'd be miserable if I had ditched him but at this point, I don't think that being miserable would be anything compared to how I'm feeling right now. I feel like my heart isn't even in my chest anymore. I feel so empty.
"Are you guys done at Joe's yet? Because I'm ready to leave…" As soon as I say that last part, Alex's eyes flicker over to me for a quick moment before they settle back on the beer he's holding in his lap. I'm learning quickly how to read his emotions and tell what his little looks, gasps, grunts and nods mean…and I think this particular look means that he's upset or disappointed or both. Okay, maybe I could've gone inside the bathroom and called Steph to avoid offending him but I didn't. I just really want to get out of here. This is hurting me way too much.
"Actually yeah… we were waiting for you to call." I'm not sure, but I think I just heard Leah scream "HI JO" in the background… but on the off chance that my ears just failed me, I won't tell Steph to tell her I said hi back. "We're waiting for Shane to get his food…he got it to go so it shouldn't be that long. I'll be by to grab you in a little."
"Okay just text me when you're outside." After we exchange our goodbyes, I hang up the phone. I'm so ready to leave that I swear to god I would've walked home in the pouring down rain. If Alex would've let me walk home, I would've. I put my phone back down on the couch cushion beside me and pretend to be really interested in the home screen of his laptop just to avoid looking at him. His screen boasts a picture of him and his fiancée…and I won't even lie, it's perfect. She's wearing a red baseball cap, sitting between his legs and smiling with her eyes closed at the fact that he's behind her, leaning forward, kissing her on the cheek. In all honesty? I don't compare to her, I never could compare to her and I probably never will. She's perfect for him and they look perfect together.
"Can you at least let me know what I did?" No, I was wrong. That look didn't mean disappointment. Clearly it meant that he's pissed off because the tone of his voice doesn't suggest otherwise. He sounds really frustrated and angry with me. "If you're gonna spend the time acting like I just pissed in your cereal, you can at least let me know what I did. I'm getting really sick of it. Every time I think we're having a good time and you're okay one minute, the next minute you freak out and start acting like I killed a puppy. What is it with you?"
"You didn't do anything." I shut his laptop because tears are starting to sting my eyes while I'm steady looking at this goddamn picture of him and his perfect little lover. I put the laptop on the coffee table and run my hand through my hair. "You didn't do anything…alright?"
"Then why the hell are you trying to go home? You're killing me." From the corner of my eye, I see him gritting his teeth. Hey, that's one more way we're alike. I grit my teeth when I'm irritated too. "I'm not gonna keep apologizing to you for being a shitty friend. I acknowledged it…I apologized for it…I'm not going to keep saying sorry…especially when I didn't do anything. I'm trying here. You're not that easy to be friends with…"
"I'M not that easy to be friends with?" I'm going to cry in a minute and I really don't want to. I grab a handful of my hair and stare at my split ends so he won't be able to see my face if a tear does happen to fall. "Whatever, Alex… I told you that you didn't do anything and I told you that you aren't a shitty friend…if you feel guilty that's not on me."
"It's just weird how you're claiming that I didn't do anything yet you're acting like I did. We were talking and you said that our talk was awkward and that's fine…we don't have to talk like that anymore. But can you at least give me a damn chance before you decide to go all mute on me like that?" He stressfully combs his fingers through his hair and sighs. "Sometimes I forget that you're not one of the guys…you know? We talk about so many things and it's easy to talk to you about it and I forget that you're not one of the guys…so if I made you uncomfortable by talkin' about sex, my bad."
God he's pissing me off. What part of YOU DID NOTHING WRONG doesn't he understand? Do I have to spell it out for him? And the sex talk wasn't even awkward, that's the thing. I just can't talk like that with somebody that I want. I don't find talking about sex awkward at all so that's not the issue. Still, he doesn't seem to get that I'm not mad at him and that's irritating me. I clench my teeth shut and talk to him through them. "It wasn't. Even. That." I roll my eyes and sigh. "Just fucking drop it… god." I whisper.
"Fine. I'm dropping it." He stands up from the couch and stretches. "You want another beer until you leave?" I shake my head. I don't think I'm going to be able to hold back my tears any longer so I put my hands down on the couch cushions and help myself up onto my feet. I stomp my feet into my shoes again. "Your ride here?" I shake my head again. "Then where the hell are you going?"
"She texted me and said she's right around the corner so I'm just gonna…" I lie and my voice cracks at the end of that. I swallow a lump in my throat and breathe in through my nose, out through my mouth. "I'm gonna go outside and wait. I'll see you on Thursday at work."
"Alright." He mumbles and puts down the pizza box that he just picked up in an effort to start cleaning up. "Can I have like… a high five or a handshake goodbye? Or are you still completely pissed at me?"
"I told you I wasn't mad. It's not a matter of me being mad at you, Alex. I'm not mad. I just…" I lick my lips and purse them into a line, thinking of how I should phrase this. "I want to do something. And I've…I've wanted to do this for like…nearly two weeks now. NEARLY two weeks…" I'm roughly estimating in my head how long it's been since the almost kiss. It's been longer than a week but not exactly two weeks. "And I can't do it. And I'm afraid that if I stay here I'm just gonna keep wanting to do it and if I keep wanting to do it I don't know how long I'm going to be able to NOT do it. So I have to leave. I'm not mad at you or anything. I swear I'm not. I just can't be here anymore with the way I'm feeling."
"Whatever." He scratches his head and stretches his arms out again. "…Why don't you just do it?" He shrugs one shoulder, shakes his head and throws his hands up. "Get it over with."
"…I can't." I squint my eyes and bite my lip. "Do you listen to me at all when I talk? Or does it just go in one ear and out the other? I told you that I can't do it…"
"I'm giving you permission to do it, though."
"You can't just give me permission if you don't know what it is."
"But I know what it is…and I'm giving you permission to do it." He looks down at the ground with guilt written clear across his face. He can't possibly know what it is that I'm talking about. If he knew, he wouldn't tell me to do it. It's not something that I can just get away with doing without suffering the repercussions of doing it. If I could just do it and get away with doing it, I would. But I can't and he can't just give me permission to do it. I bet my life that he doesn't know what it is that I'm talking about. "…Are you gonna do it or not?"
"…No." I shake my head. "You don't know what it is that you're giving me permission for and I… I don't want to do it just because I'm upset about it and you're letting me do it out of pity. I want…. I want to do it and know that it wasn't something one sided. I want you to want it just as bad as I do." I can't believe I'm standing here talking to him with tears in my eyes, refusing to do what I want to do even though I have his permission. I don't think I'd quite like myself much if I did it now, knowing that the only reason I get to do it is because he feels sorry for me.
"I know what it is, Jo. I know what it is." He takes a step closer to me. I look down at the ground to get an idea of our proximity. He's no more than a foot away from me. "And what if I said that I don't care? What if I said that it's been on my mind for a week and two days too… would that change your answer?" I look down at the ground, quiet. "Are you gonna kiss me or not?"
Closing the space between us, I take a step closer to him and like he actually wants to do this too, he steps towards me as well. I stand up on my tiptoes and he leans his head down to make it easier for me. He tilts his head to one side and I tilt mine to the other so we don't bump noses. Oh god… I didn't think it was possible to want someone this much. Just like the first time, I can feel his breath against my top lip. I close my eyes and keep my face right where it's at, not wanting to spoil this moment. But after I remain idle for like five seconds, I feel his mouth against mine. Oh my god his lips are so soft… oh my god, oh my god. I feel every single emotion in this one instant. I'm happy…so happy. I'm sad…so very sad. And I'm angry. I'm angry because he's getting married and I want him and I can't have him and it's just not far. It's not fair…it's not fair…it's not fair.
We're only standing with our lips together at the moment and I don't care… I don't care if this is all I do. I don't care if this is all we ever do. I'm exploding because this is what I've been longing for. But to further my delight, he opens his mouth which in turn, makes me open mine. His tongue meets mine finally and even his TONGUE is soft. I don't know what to do with my hands… I don't know what to do with them, so I put them on his back. He puts his hands around my waist and pushes his face harder into mine to deepen the kiss. I bring my hands up to the back of his head and curl my fingers through his hair. This may be my only moment… take advantage. Hungrily, I push back against him with the same intensity and I massage his tongue with my own. His breath tastes like hard beer…and it's so pleasant.
He pulls away first, breaking the kiss so we can breathe. We're both breathing heavy trying to catch our breath. Both of us open our eyes at the same time. I look at him and I have tears in my eyes and he looks like he just did something he knows he's gonna regret. Softly, he presses his lips to mine in a quick peck. "…You gonna tell me that isn't what you wanted?" He whispers, his voice mimicking a low, voracious growl. I lick my lip so I can have all of him…every speck of his spit, every bit of his lips…inside my mouth. I shake my head to answer his question…and I can't help myself, so I go right back to kissing him.
He cups his hands around my waist and aggressively pushes me back towards the couch. Our feet tangle up in each other's and we both stumble backwards because we don't want to take the time to stop kissing long enough to walk without our lips touching. I collapse backwards and fall on the couch but he doesn't let me hit the couch in a way that'll hurt. He has his arms around my body like I'm weightless to him. Gently, he rests his weight atop of me and I shift and allow him too. We're not gonna have sex…we're not. I won't allow myself to have sex with him. I'm celibate, remember? I put my hand flat against his chest and push him hard off me. That doesn't mean I'm going to give this up, though. I'm not ready to give this up. But no sex.
He keeps his hands on my waist and allows me to switch our positions. I'm actually amazing myself at how long I'm lasting with this kiss. I need to breathe and I know I need to breathe but I'm scared. What if I pull away from him just to catch my breath and he realizes in that moment that what we're doing is horrible and what we're doing is wrong and I don't want him to stop kissing me when he realizes that. I never want to stop kissing him. I put my hand on his face to keep him against my lips and adjust my position so that my legs are on either side of his body and I'm straddling him.
He slides his hands underneath my shirt and rests them against my bare back. He's touching me so gingerly that I'm starting to wonder if he thinks he's gonna break me. His fingertips are just barely grazing my spine, stopping at my bra and tracing themselves back down to the waistband of my pants. His hands repeat that motion for about five more times while mine are tangled all in his hair. I'm trying to restrain myself from pulling his hair too much but I can't. I want him in more ways than this kissing right now and I won't allow myself to have him because I don't want to do anything that's more wrong than what we're already doing…pulling his hair helps my frustration.
I wrap my arms around his neck and rest my elbows in the blades of his shoulders. I tilt my head further to the side so we can kiss deeper and when I do that, he shoves his tongue further into my mouth. Slowly I stroke my fingers through his hair, caressing his scalp and he takes his hands from underneath my shirt and puts them back on my hips. He digs his palms into my hips and pushes me down so that I'm really tightly against his body and I feel something hard against the inside part of my thigh. I think I know what that something is but I don't want to jump to any conclusions. I pull away from his mouth for one second and put my head down to see if what he's holding me against is what I think it is…and it is. I'm so hypnotized by the thoughts that are coming along with it that I can't even concentrate long enough to start kissing him again; I'm just staring at it.
I can make out the outline of the shape of it through his sweatpants. The things I could do with that. I could do so, so, so many sinful things with that. And I swear I'd make it worth his while. Breaking my thoughts, he puts his hand underneath my chin and eagerly draws my lips back to his. He sucks on my bottom lip for a second before he starts full blown making out with me again. One of his arms is wrapped around my waist and the other one is resting at his side. I don't even want to talk about what's going on in my underwear right now. I just want to know how he feels about it. Clearly he's enjoying it if he's as hard as I feel that he is…trust me, he's hard as a rock. But that's just a natural reaction for him being a guy.
That says nothing about how he emotionally feels…
Alex's Point of View.
At this point, I think it's safe to say that I'm in deep shit. I mean I don't think Jo would tell Iz what's going on and I DAMN sure won't tell her, so she probably won't find out about it but still. I'm tongue-deep in Jo's mouth, she's on my lap and I'm enjoying this more than I'm willing to freely admit. I gotta say that I didn't imagine to be this far into it, though. I was expecting this to happen, be done and I could move on with my life but nope…it's making me think.
I could see it in her eyes that something was bothering her. She wanted to leave for god's sake. And she took it upon herself to tell me that she'd been wanting to do SOMETHING for a while and I just connected the dots. She wanted to kiss me and somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I wanted to kiss her too. I think I wanted to know what it'd be like. I think I wanted to know what I'd be missing out on. Now I'm starting to feel all shitty because I don't want her to think that this is anything more than just a kiss because it's not. I can't let this be more than a kiss. I can't let myself get emotionally attached and I can't allow her to think that just because I'm kissing her now it means that we can go around kissing all the time because that's not the case.
I feel bad for letting her kiss me. I feel bad for kissing her back. I feel bad for wanting her to kiss me and I feel even worse about the fact that it's taking everything in me not to lie her down on this couch and go to work with her. I don't know very many men that would be able to resist her, first of all. It's no internal secret that I think she's beyond hot. She's one of the hottest chicks I've ever came across. But I didn't want to go back to my old ways and I think that's what I've done. I don't even know right now. Is this considered cheating? Even though I wanted this, I also wanted her to initiate the kiss because I THOUGHT that I'd at least feel better about kissing her if it wasn't completely my idea to kiss. I was wrong, by the way.
She's a damn good kisser anyway. She knows just how to let me be in control but also be dominant at the same time and it's quite sexy. I stuff my hands back up her shirt because if I don't put them there then I'll probably end up touching her ass or something worse. Did I mention how soft the skin on her back is? All of her skin is babyishly soft but the skin on her back is like buttermilk. She pulls out of the kiss for a second to move her hair out of the way then goes back to it. We've been at this for like ten minutes now and I haven't even copped a feel yet. I'm proud of myself for that. Even though I'm ashamed for a lot of things I've done tonight, I'm at least proud of that.
Outside, I hear the soft beep of a horn and I'm assuming that's her ride. I kind of don't want her to go. I kind of wish I had at least another hour with her. And then on the other side, I want her to get off my lap right now and get out. I don't know if I can be her friend anymore after this. I really like her and she's a really good friend…but I think this is where I draw the line. We can't be friends. She unhurriedly pulls her face back from mine to stop the kiss for good this time. I reach up and move her hair out of her face. I didn't even think about that. It was out of instinct, like I do it every day. With her legs still straddling me and her hands still around my neck, she looks at me and I look back into her eyes. And I can tell that these are two different emotions between us. I can tell that she just enjoyed the hell out of herself. She's happy. I made her happy. But I'm not. I just fucked up big time.
I can't be her friend anymore. I can't have someone like her around me any longer. I made a commitment to Izzie and I don't want to break that. I know for a fact that I might've just sealed the deal on me and Jo's friendship and I can kiss it goodbye now, but that's a decision I have to make. I have a fiancée and I have a life waiting for me. I can't give that up for an intern.
"…I'll see on Thursday?" Her voice is so soft and mellifluous, like music. She starts to move her legs to get off me but she's moving really slow. I have half a mind to move her myself but I don't want to upset her. I can feel that I'm going to end up being rude to her and I don't want to, but there's no nice way to say that I can't be her friend because shit like this can't keep happening and despite how many times she lies to my face about it, she clearly has feelings for me. "…Will I?" She asks and all I can think about is what color her eyes are. They're clearly brown but the lightest and brightest brown I've ever seen. She's gorgeous and maybe…MAYBE if I wasn't with Iz…
"…Probably not, Jo." I run my hand through my hair and sigh. I'm going to try to be as nice as possible.
"…You don't work on Thursday?" She stands up and fixes herself. "So then I'll see you Saturday. Unless you want to hang out again before that."
"I work on Thursday but…" I stand up as well and put my hand on her shoulder. As gently as I can, I push her and lead her to the door. "This can't keep happening. I'm sorry that it happened in the first place but it did happen and I take full responsibility for it happening but it really can't keep happening, Jo. You know that."
"…Right." She licks her lips, smiles and puts her head down. "Um… we can hang out on Friday if you're not too busy. I… I'm sure Steph wouldn't mind if you came over for a couple hours and I get paid on Friday so—"
I hate to be like this, I really do. But I interrupt her. "No, Jo. We can't hang out. We can't be friends anymore. That's what I meant." Her face goes sullen. "I'm sorry. Actually, I let this go on way longer than it ever should have and I'm sorry for that. I didn't mean to hurt you, but…"
"Wait." She puts her hand up and shakes her head. Her eyes are glistening with tears. God, I didn't mean to do this. I screwed up so bad this time. I'm ALWAYS screwing up. I was born screwing up. But I screwed up BAD this time. "You told me to." Her jaw is trembling. "You gave me all that shit about how you wanted to kiss me too and you told me to and you said it was okay and you… you…. don't wanna be friends now?"
"I'm getting married…"
"Yeah, no shit." She mutters and looks away from me like she can't even stand looking at me. "Alex, I…. I don't want to…not be your friend. I don't want that to happen…"
"But it has to happen." I mumble and open the door. "Look, I'll see you around Wilson… and thanks for helping me tonight."
"…So this is it?"
"It has to be."
"You tell me to kiss you then you tell me that you made a mistake by kissing me back…" I see a tear streak down her cheek. I feel like shit. "Don't ever talk to me again." She pushes past me and stops for a second. "Oh wait… I forgot that's what you want." Her face is so red and so wet with tears. I feel like crap, man. I feel like the biggest piece of crap. "Have a nice…life or whatever." And with that, she leaves.
And with that, I lost a friend.