The door thudded behind her with such finality that she shuddered. Her lover shot a dart of flame towards his desk. It struck the wick of the candle perfectly. The candlelight was meager in comparison to the jet of fire that birthed it. Just enough for what they were about to do.
She waited by the foot of the bed, watching Zhao discard his shirt. The bandages embracing his chest stood in sharp contrast to the dimness. So white that they almost glowed. Like her dream. Her eyes dropped to her hands, examining them for that eerie luminescence or those cuts that had been too straight, too audacious to be anything but intentional. The memory set her heart beating harder. She almost swore she caught a glimpse of blood on her wrist but she blinked and it was gone.
Zhao took her hands in his, seemingly unaware of her focus and fear. Or perhaps he had noticed, assumed it was just nerves. He pressed kisses into her palms and up her arms, over the fabric of her dress. She closed her eyes. Muscles relaxed at his gentle touches, though her heart still throbbed against her breastbone. He released her hands and fingered the buttons on the back of her dress, still kissing her neck, jaw, and cheek.
Just as he'd undone one button, he pulled away. Lien's eyes opened and she found herself smiling at Zhao's flushed face. She wasn't sure why he'd stopped, but seeing him so flustered, so full of lust for her, sent giddy tremors down her torso.
"May I?" He gestured vaguely at her gown.
"Yes, of course," she said. She turned her back to him, giving him easier access to the buttons.
In moments, the dark green fabric pooled around her ankles. Beneath it, she'd worn a loose cream-colored shift that reached just above her knee. It was the most modest of the undergarments Kiran had purchased for her. She almost wished she'd chosen the more revealing version that morning, but a flood of self-consciousness whisked that thought away immediately. Her arms wrapped around herself.
Zhao waited, eyes analyzing every detail of her body. The dress pulled tight around her breasts but hung loose everywhere else. He wanted to rip it off of her, see everything that would soon be his. But he called upon his reserves of self-control and stayed still. Her body language betrayed her nervousness. He couldn't touch her when she was practically shaking.
"We don't have to-"
"It's okay," she said, dropping her arms, leaving herself open to him. She sat down on his bed and gestured for him to join her.
He sat beside her, placing a hand on her thigh. Her skin was soft beneath his calloused fingers. Distantly, he wondered if he was making the right decision. But he stifled all his negative thoughts. He wouldn't be able to please her if he couldn't focus. The desire to just take her burned through his nerves and he struggled to keep his touches gentle. His hand left her thigh, grabbing her chin instead and pulling her lips to his.
She responded with more passion than he'd been expecting. Her arms embraced him, nails clawing at his back in an attempt to bring them closer together. His skin was so warm against hers, she wanted to pull him over her like a blanket.
Zhao broke the kiss. "Lay down."
Lien's eyes widened as she followed his instruction. Was he already going to…? Her back hit the mattress and head sunk into the pillow. But she couldn't concentrate on the comfort, couldn't concentrate on anything. She felt her mind freezing until her only thought was a desperate plea. Don't hurt me. The bed moved as Zhao shifted into a kneeling position beside her.
He caressed her shoulders, arms, and sides. The first touch made her cringe, but with each subsequent one, she found her muscles relaxing. She watched his face. His eyes were fixated on her body, fingers gliding across every part of her torso within his reach. Except her breasts. He had yet to reach for them. She wondered if he was waiting for her permission or if he was only trying to tease. Either way, she grabbed his wrist and guided it upwards from her stomach.
"If you want something, ask for it." Though the words were stern, he laughed as he said them.
"Ah, yes," she said, blushing. "I… Sorry."
He hesitated, hand motionless on her breast. "And I suppose I should say it now… Stop me if you're uncomfortable or in pain or for any other reason. It's… important to me that we both enjoy this."
A vague memory flashed in her mind, but she pushed it away so quickly that she couldn't recognize any of the details. She nodded, not trusting herself to speak clearly. He leaned down and kissed her. Just a peck before he continued to explore his partner.
Lien sighed as her eyelids slipped shut. She couldn't keep track of each touch, only the sensations they produced. It was like settling into a bath, warming her, sending tingles through her legs and arms as she acclimated to the heat. But this heat wouldn't go away. It grew inside her, urgent. Her thighs parted just enough to accommodate his hand as it roamed beneath her skirt.
She gasped. Her body had never been touched that way before. Not even by herself during her imprisonment. And now her subconscious acted out in confusion, not knowing how to react to all the feelings. Pleasure and fear and self-loathing and want. It was too much. She sat up and drew her knees to her chest. She held herself, took deep breaths until she calmed down enough to try again.
Zhao had withdrawn his hand as soon as he recognized her panic. He stroked her hair, mumbling reassurances. When she sat up, he didn't try to hug her. His instinct demanded he comfort her but he convinced himself to give her space. After all, he was the problem here. She couldn't still want him. He was surprised she'd ever wanted him in the first place. Internally, he scolded himself for pushing too far. How had he let this continue? He should have known that she wouldn't be able to handle it.
"I'm sorry," Lien said, straightening out her legs. "Please keep going."
He didn't question her. If she wanted to give him another chance, he wouldn't try to convince her otherwise. But this time, he'd have to be more careful. He supported himself with his left hand braced against the bed as he leaned over her, trailing kisses down her neck. His other hand fondled her breasts.
She arched her back, encouraged him. Back in familiar territory, her earlier anxiety melted away. And he'd seemed sensitive to her needs. It made her want to reward him. Maybe it wasn't right to think about her body like that, as if she was just a prize to be won. But her parents never taught her to value herself. If anything, they used her for their own benefit and encouraged others to do the same.
Zhao pressed kisses down her chest, over her covered breasts, onto her stomach. Then he returned to capture her lips. Her mind intruded with those thoughts about body image and the abuse she'd suffered. He wasn't like her parents, right? Was she good enough for him? She needed a distraction. She couldn't just lay back with her head full of negativity. So she reached for him, rubbing his muscular upper arms, his chest, his back. He was already beginning to feel familiar to her fingers. It made her smile into their kiss.
While she was distracted, he ventured between her legs once more. Her breath hitched and muscles stiffened. But only for a moment before the pleasure washed over her. It hit her like she'd run head first into a wall, leaving her head spinning. The next few minutes rushed past her. All her attention had been seized by the dizzying heat he'd caused within her that she couldn't notice anything else until he stopped. She whimpered at the loss.
At some point, he'd lost the rest of his clothes. Her face and chest broke out in bright pink splotches as she realized that she could now see all of him. Tension threaded the air between them. She tried her best not to stare, but her gaze kept drifting downward. The sight stirred feelings in her that she couldn't explain. She just knew she was ready.
"Zhao, take me."
He couldn't reply verbally. He'd spent their moment of silence doubting himself again only for her to give him consent unprompted. Her voice – breathless, soft – was so sure. All the failures he'd experienced recently disappeared in its wake. It was like status, wealth, and reputation meant nothing to him anymore. In that room, his mind only had space for Lien.
Lien spread her legs for him and waited as he moved between them. She could barely breathe. The anticipation ate away at her calm, crawling beneath her skin until she squirmed.
"Stay still." He kissed her forehead.
He pushed her skirt up to her waist, exposed her. His fingers stroked across her bare skin, relishing the way she gasped and blushed beneath him. All the things he wanted to do to her flashed through his mind. But he had to stop himself. She wasn't ready for everything – he knew she wasn't – and yet, he pressed against her entrance, poised to take her. He paused, recognizing it was his last chance to be responsible and stop this. Then his hips shifted, slowly sheathed himself inside her, inch by inch.
Lien bit her lip hard to hold in her scream. Tears burned her eyes. But they didn't fall, she wouldn't let them. She wrapped her arms around him, nails digging into his back, forehead pressed into his shoulder. The pain nearly overwhelmed her. She breathed through it, heavy, shuddering breaths. His free hand caressed her side, her thigh. As the pain reduced to a bearable degree, she felt the stirrings of a tentative connection. A shaky thread, easily broken.
When he was fully inside her, he didn't move again. He just focused on kissing her, touching her, doing anything he could to ease her discomfort. She closed her eyes. Letting her mind drift back to their foreplay. Part of her wanted to stop. It couldn't imagine sex ever feeling good for her. But the other part, the majority, wanted to continue. If she could regain her arousal, it wouldn't be so bad. Kiran had enjoyed her first time, so why shouldn't she?
The pain faded to a dull ache and she decided she didn't want to wait any longer.
"Do it. I'm ready."
"If you need to stop, tell me."
She agreed a bit hastily but he assumed her nerves were at fault. He started slow, steady. Her whimpering drove spikes through his chest. But he kept going. He had to trust that she'd speak up if she needed to. Gradually, the whimpers turned to moans and the pressure of her nails in his back eased.
Her head leaned back into the pillow. Although the experience had turned warm and pleasurable again, she had trouble staying in the moment. Unwanted thoughts swept her away, breaking their connection. She contemplated what this all meant for their relationship. Maybe she'd rushed into something she hadn't been prepared for and now he would think of her differently. He might expect sex from her whenever he asked for it due to her willingness today. She didn't think he was like that. But that nagging part of her continued to suggest she had no idea what kind of person she was marrying.
Their intimacy felt like it was happening to someone else, each thrust and loving, praising word he uttered. She could feel him and hear him. But there was a wall between her and her body. As if she was only a spectator, listening in, imagining how the sex felt. The detachment stretched on until his words of reassurance dissolved into primal grunts. His thrusts turned hard and uneven. With one final thrust, he pushed as deep as he could, finishing inside her. He stilled.
Zhao kissed her softly then pulled out. The sudden emptiness jolted her out of her thoughts. Guilt settled in her stomach as she watched him. He was still panting, a small smile turning up the corners of his mouth. And she felt so distant. She struggled against her numb legs until she stood beside the bed.
"I… I need to wash up," she said. She adjusted her underclothes, rolling the skirt down to cover herself. Her eyes flicked down to her dress, crumpled on the floor. But she decided to leave it.
She gave him a quick peck on the cheek then fled the room. Immediately, she bumped into a servant. The boy blushed and stumbled over a greeting, trying to pretend he hadn't been listening for the last few minutes. She couldn't feel embarrassed; there was no energy left in her for emotions.
"Take me to the bath, please."
He obliged without another word, seemingly stunned by her aloofness.
A bath had already been drawn for her. Steam floated languidly through the room as a young firebender girl worked to keep the water warm. Lien thanked the servants then dismissed them. Once they disappeared into the hall, she took off her shift, climbed into the tub. The hot water claimed her physical pain. But the longer she sat, alone with her mind, the harder it became to ignore the emotional damage. She'd assumed she had nothing left, yet there were tears now mixing with her bath.
She cried until the water turned cold. Then she dried off, threw on her shift, and left the room. Legs still unreliable, she pressed her hand against the wall as she made her way back to Zhao.
He'd gotten dressed while she'd been gone and was now at his desk, working on some sort of document by the weak candlelight. The wax was running low by then. She crept toward the bed where he'd laid out her gown for her. Whatever he was looking at was sure to be important. The thought of disturbing him made her heart do flips in her chest.
She put her dress on, arms heavy, sluggish. Zhao turned in his chair, observing her.
"It's late. You should stay."
"Kiran is expecting me. She'll come to fetch me if I don't go and we both know that won't be pleasant." She heard herself laugh from a distance.
"I'll take you to her then. Just give me a few minutes."
She agreed, but as soon as he'd returned to his work, she stepped out of the room. She needed space. Everything that had happened left her feeling sore, emotionally and physically. The door to the outside opened at her slightest push. Warm air greeted her as the stars and moon shone down on the lawn. It was a beautiful night for a mind-clearing stroll.
With the assassination attempt merely a distant memory, she left Zhao's house on her own.
A/N: Sorry for the late update! This chapter was so hard for me to write. I've never written a detailed sex scene before and drawing from my own experience brought up a lot of painful memories. So as much as I wanted to make Lien completely enjoy her first time, I just couldn't. I kind of think it was more realistic that she didn't, though, considering how her parents treated her. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to improve any future scenes like this. Next update should be posted on Wednesday. Thanks for all the support!