XVI.
The inside of the cafe is cold, despite the sun beaming in the large bay window, and Donna tugs her cardigan tighter, watching the steady stream of people outside. They all seem to be going somewhere important, moving with fast and determined strides, making her long for routine and structure. She had to take this time out, fully aware she'd lost sight of herself, but the need to be grounded in something familiar again is overwhelming.
She's nervous, scared of what she's going to face once she starts work again. Faye is one of her main concerns, but there's also the friends she'd left in the dark. People like Louis, who had reached out and whom she'd pushed away. It's a daunting feeling because she can't go back and pretend like nothing happened, but after her first therapy session today, she's not sure she wants to.
It had been confronting but also revealing and Dr. Michael Goodwin had lived up to his reputation. The lanky man hadn't demanded anything, just probed tidbits of information here and there while creating a safe environment that had encouraged words to flow freely. She knew she was being profiled, her ability to read people just as transparent as anyone with a degree, but being aware of it, knowing she was in control, had made it easier to engage.
They'd spoken about her job and the stresses it entailed, had skirted around things like relationships and her recent hospital stay. Dr. Goodwin had seemed more focused on her current state of mind, what she's going through now, and letting the rest come naturally. It was like having a sounding board for her thoughts, advice she would usually give to other people being bounced back, and when the hour had passed she'd felt comfortable making a second appointment.
She's proud of herself, almost a little euphoric as she lifts up the decaf latte she'd ordered. Physically she's feeling better but is taking her doctor's advice, keeping her body clean from stimulants so she can absorb the benefits of her body's recovery. She's been staying awake longer during the day, eating more and rewarding herself for small accomplishments, but the untouched muffin sat on her plate is a reminder her appetite isn't where it should be.
She might have achieved something today but there's still a sense of guilt pitted in her stomach, aware of the pressure she's putting everyone else under. Louis is dealing with her work-load, Rachel has been calling every second day to check up on her, and Harvey is placing his own needs aside to take care of her. He'd come up more than anyone else in her session because truthfully, he's the reason why she'd felt able to go there in the first place.
Harvey once claimed that she made him a better person, that he couldn't be himself without her, and now he's repaying the favor ten-fold. For a man who'd previously seemed to have limited access to his feelings, they've opened up like a dam breaking, and she wants to give him everything in return but isn't there yet.
She has unwavering faith in him, but doesn't trust herself, haunted by how she'd let everything fall apart. She's hoping Dr. Goodwin will be able to help her address those feelings, shine a light on what she's been afraid to see until now- that people make mistakes.
To err is human, to forgive is divine.
It's something she's never had to apply to herself before, but the words ring in her head as a shadowy figure descends above her.
The waiter hovers there, a polished smile interrupting her thoughts. "Excuse me, ma'am. May I take that for you?"
She glances down at the muffin, confused by why he's asking when she hasn't even touched it, but his eagerness shouldn't really come as a surprise. Most of the clientele seated around are wafer thin, probably models or actresses just here to give the illusion they're having a regular meal, and she briefly wonders if that's why she never landed roles outside the theatre.
Up until recently she's always been confident and proud of herself, never missing a beat, and she searches for that part of herself, turning him away. "Actually, I'm not done yet."
Her lips curve in the same forced manner, and he looks confused but she really doesn't care about his judgment. She's willing to sit here for as long as it takes until she finishes on her own terms, not anyone else's. It's a newfound strength she's not giving up any time soon and when he leaves, she relaxes, breaking off a bite and swallowing it down with her coffee.
She's taking the wins where she can get them, no matter how small or insignificant they might seem to everybody else.
.
.
It's late and Harvey debates whether or not to call his mother now or leave it, knowing it was Donna's first therapy session today. He can remember how confronting his own had been, and he wants to be there to support her, but he promised Lily he'd get in touch once things were back on track, and he finally feels like things are heading in the right direction.
He can spare a few minutes and pulls out his phone, dialing her number.
Lily stops in the hall, delighted at seeing her son's name on the caller ID. After the last time they'd spoke, she'd been left with a sense of growing unease. He'd seemed so lost, not himself, and she picks up praying with her whole heart nothing is wrong. "Harvey, I've been hoping you'd call."
He smiles lightly against the phone. Having his mother back in his life is something he's never going to take for granted again. She's family, so is Donna, and he feels calmer knowing the two women he cares about most are within his reach.
"Is everything okay?"
Her voice breaks the silence, sounding concerned, and he's happy he can reassure her. "It is."
The words swell inside her, and she enters the nearest room to focus her attention on the conversation. She'd missed out on so much when they were estranged, she wants to be here with him now, and she seats herself on the chaise at the end of the bed, curling her legs up. She's not going to jump to any conclusions but he sounds at composed, like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, and she's willing to bet she can guess the cause. "How is Donna doing?"
He hesitates, only for a second, jarred into a reality where he's allowed to be open with his emotions. He's spent so long pushing them down and things aren't perfect but they're damn near closer than they were a few weeks ago. Just thinking about Donna fills him with an all consuming warmth, and he's cautiously optimistic that they're going to break through those final few barriers as long as he's patient with her. "She's getting the help she needs."
Lily's shoulders sag with relief. Hearing someone so close to him was struggling had made her heart ache, particularly knowing Donna is a person incredibly special to him. "I'm really glad to hear that."
"There's more." He admits, pushing up from his chair and turning to the city skyline. Never in his wildest dreams would he have thought this kind of relationship with his mother would be possible, one where he can tell her his inner thoughts, but thanks to Donna, he can. She'd urged him to let go of the past and now all he can see is a future filled with promise.
"I told her how I feel..." he pauses, working his way around spilling the truth, "we're together now."
She closes her eyes, reveling in the news. It's how she'd hoped things would turn out, but there's a motherly instinct inside her that rears up in spite of her positivity. When they last spoke Donna wasn't in a good place, and she's conscious of things moving too quickly between the pair but also doesn't want to create any animosity. "I'm so proud of you, Harvey."
He expects more to follow, and when it doesn't, alarm bells sound off. His mother's never been shy about her opinions, and he tenses, angling away from the window. "What is it?"
Part of her wants to tell him it's nothing. They're on good terms at the moment and she doesn't want to rock the boat, but lying has always created a vast chasm between them. She owes it to both of them to be honest and clenches her grip around the phone in anticipation. "I'm just a little worried now isn't the right time to be starting something."
The advice cuts straight through him because she's wrong, but that's his first instinct, and he takes a breath, aware if they were talking about anybody else he might be inclined to listen. The difference is, this is Donna. There isn't anything he wouldn't do for her. Including giving her space if she asked for it. She's picking herself back up from a low he can't even comprehend and they're in this together, her needs outweighing his own at the moment. "I can handle it."
He's surprisingly calm, and Lily meets him half-way only wanting what's best for the two of them. "I'm not saying you can't... but are you sure Donna can?" She has nothing against the woman. In fact, it's the opposite. She wants Donna to take the time she needs to recover because relationships can be stressful, and she's rooting for the pair to be together for the long haul. "I just want you to be careful, that's all."
He tries not to take offense but can't help it. Donna was in his life when his mother wasn't. She's his everything, and he's spent over a decade being careful. This is when he needs to step up, but if his mother can't understand that, then he has nothing more to say on the matter. "I should go."
The clipped response is what she's been afraid of, and the very same reason she has her reservations. Donna needs stability, but Lily's willing to accept that his reaction is based on their own tremulous history. The test is going to be whether or not he can move past it, and she genuinely hopes he can. "Harvey, I'd really love to meet her."
He swallows, closing his eyes and nodding at the extended olive branch. Her comments had hit a nerve because even though he has faith in Donna, he lacks it in himself, but he has support- from Mike, Louis, and everybody else in his life, including his mother. He just needs to lean on it. "I'd like that, Mom."
Lily smiles into the phone, her doubts fading beneath his soft response. Honestly, she wasn't expecting it, and when he suggests she make a trip down, her reservations fall away beneath a desire to meet the woman who has grown her son in ways she's can only be proud of.
Love isn't always easy. She'd learned the hard way, but when it's right, it defies all else, and when he hangs up, she's safe in the knowledge that with or without her help, her son is on the right path.
He slips the phone back into his pocket, collecting the rest of his things together, mulling over his mother's words but letting them wash over him. The best thing he can do is prove she has nothing to worry about because he's in love with Donna.
She's the one, and there isn't a doubt in his mind they can overcome anything together.