A.N. Hey folks! So just a heads up, updates are going to get a bit more sporadic throughout the next few months as I'm starting a new job. Regardless, I will continue to update whenever the next chapter is done. Thanks as always to rotehexe for being the voice of the people! Reviews and favorites are so incredibly appreciated!
As always, special thanks to JessicaImpossible, Fast Frank, Red2Ruby, xXMizz Alec VolturiXx, and two guests for reviewing chapter 15.
"What is it? What's happened?" Hermione spoke as she nearly ran through her front door. Remus, whose magical signature she had keyed to her wards, was waiting for her in her kitchen. Nothing about his posture slowed her beating heart. Regulus. It couldn't be. The wolf stood tall, his shoulders tight as he paced the floor. His brown ragged shoes clicked against the material as he walked.
"I didn't want to believe it." Remus started, finally bringing his large frame to a slow halt. "He's my friend." That was all it took, for Hermione's breath to leave her in a relieved gasp. Not Regulus…Peter.
"Peter." She spoke, her voice breathless as nearly laughed. No, she did laugh. It bubbled up her throat like a madwoman, and she slumped over as the power of her laughter began to hurt her stomach.
"I fail to see how this is in any way comical." Remus chastised, his voice angry and his eyes turning gold on the edges. Hermione attempted to control herself, but she could feel herself spiraling. All the trouble she had gone through to not reveal the traitor to his friends and Remus knew anyway. All the niceties shared and the times she had to smile at his cowardly face.
"I've tried so hard to hide it from you…from Sirius and yet you know anyway. I should've stomped that little rat into the dust the first time I laid eyes on him." Hermione voice didn't sound like her own, and she sat in the chair closest to her, knowing that the uncomfortable laughter would soon fade to frustrated tears.
"So why didn't you? You just let me carry on like this….traitor was my friend!" Remus's voice was angrier than she'd ever heard it. He was normally so calm, so controlled.
"I couldn't change it. I didn't know how vital Pettigrew was." It had sounded terrible in her head, but saying it out loud was somehow even worse. "But after today…I find myself not caring."
"What happened today?" The werewolf had seated himself across from her, and she looked up to find narrowed and angry gold eyes watching her intently. Clearing her throat, Hermione swallowed the sting of frustration and desperately tried to contain herself.
"I'll tell you just…let me call Regulus first. He should hear this too." Remus nodded tightly, clearly fighting back his irritation. She couldn't imagine though, how much pain he was feeling. When he had found out about Peter's treachery in her time, she'd worried he might kill the man.
Pulling the coin out from around her neck, she turned the cold gold over in her hand. It was a simple message. Meeting at HQ. Come ASAP – Athena.
She made tea for them as they waited for Regulus to arrive, and Remus stiffened when she had leaned down to give him his tea. It was what she had been waiting for, and she cut him off before he could start making accusations. "I will tell you everything, when Regulus gets here."
Hermione knew…she knew that Sirius's scent lingered in her hair where he had run his hands, on her lips which still burned from his touch. But even as she remembered the intimacy of his touch, she remembered the devastation in his eyes as she had left him. "I'll tell you."
It was a long and uncomfortable silence that followed her promise. Regulus, true to the fashion of the Black brothers, took his time in getting to his destination. Finally after 15 minutes, the floo in the sitting area roared to life. "Its about bloody time." Remus swore, swallowing the last sips of his tea in one large gulp.
"First of all, I was with Grandfather, desperately explaining away the French witch I came to the Malfoy's ball with then disappeared with then came back without. Second of all, what the fuck Hermione?! I came back from that blasted party after saying my polite goodbyes for a bloody hour and you weren't fucking there." Hermione flinched at the man's anger, and she shrank away from him. He was right, it had been thoughtless of her to leave without telling him where she'd gone but in that moment nothing had existed but Sirius.
"Wait came back without. You left the party early?" Remus's voice was full of concern and he looked over at Hermione once again. She shot him a look that she hoped conveyed that she would tell him later and looked back at Regulus.
"Your mother…" Hermione began, ignoring Remus's outburst, and Regulus threw his hands up.
"Of fucking course its my cunt of a mother." Seeming to remember himself suddenly, he ran his fingers through his long hair and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry for my language but I have just about had it with that horrific witch."
Remus curled his lips into a smirk and Hermione could tell he was thinking the same thing as her…that perhaps the Black brothers were not so different after all.
"I was waiting in the study when I overheard voices. One I recognized immediately as your mother. Funnily enough, that was the exact vocabulary your brother used to describe her as well. But the other voice was familiar because it was a voice I'd just heard for the first time." Hermione waited to see if Regulus would see where she was going, but he just urged her to go one with a gesture.
"Abraxas Malfoy. They were talking about Sirius; planning on kidnapping him for leverage against the Order. I didn't have time to wait, I had to help him. I ran out of your house, which I'm not sure if your mother or Malfoy heard, but I got to Diagon Alley as quickly as I could." Regulus's eyes flickered with an emotion Hermione didn't recognize and she filed this information away for later evaluation. Remus was back to pacing now, clearly upset about the planned kidnapping and putting together how exactly the known Death Eater knew where Sirius was.
"And my brother…is he okay?" Hermione could tell that Regulus was holding himself back. His body language screamed that he was calm and unconcerned, but his eyes betrayed him…those same sad grey eyes that she had left at St. Mungo's. Her throat dried suddenly, and she choked on some air.
"Yes. I intercepted Rowle before he could do anything. It really is stunning how ill-equipped all the Death Eaters are to face such a…what did he call me, a little girl." Hermione was a bit smug now, but the serious expressions of her comrades stopped her, and her lips fell into a frown. "When I finally got to Sirius, he was with Pettigrew." Regulus's eyebrow quirked up at this information, and Remus growled.
"Pettigrew is a spy for the Dark Lord. I've heard rumors but I never believed it." Regulus knew Peter only from his schooltime with the Marauders, so Hermione was not shocked to find that he was in disbelief that the boy would betray his best friends.
"Well believe it. I got Sirius away from Pettigrew and he got angry when I told him why I was there. He punched a brick wall in an alley in Diagon. I dropped him off at St. Mungo's when I got a message from Remus talking about a traitor." Regulus, who had settled into a lean against the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway to the bedrooms groaned.
"Please…please tell me you didn't leave my brother alone at St. Mungo's." Regulus began, supported by an equally distressed looking Remus.
Hermione knew Sirius didn't like hospitals. She knew that from his behavior when she had mentioned the place. He was nervous in a way she'd never seen him before, although he hid it well.
"I…Remus called me, I had to." It stung in her throat, repeating the excuse she'd given the man who she was trying so desperately to not feel anything for.
"Oh bloody hell." Regulus groaned, throwing his head back in a dramatic way and placing his palms over his eyes.
"Hermione if I had known…" Remus shook his head, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his fingers. He looked more ragged in that moment, so tired…like her Remus.
"I could figure that he didn't like hospitals, but he seemed alright. He did…he asked me not to go. I…I had to." Guilt began to eat away at her as two men who knew Sirius better than she did looked horrified at this information.
"He fucking hates hospitals. Hasn't set foot in one since our mother almost killed him in the summer after his first year. He was in that place for weeks." Regulus's grey eyes were dark with regret and desperation, and Hermione realized that she wasn't the only one who had regrets.
"I should go." Remus began, gathering his cloak that was hanging on a hook on the wall and wrapping it around himself. Regulus simply nodded his head at the werewolf, one of the most civil gestures she'd ever seen exchanged between the men.
"No." Hermione called quietly, realizing Remus couldn't hear her. Her voice struggled to come for some reason, but she caught the back of the soft brown material of Remus's cloak and pulled him back. "You can't go. He'll want you to explain how you know. The way I left…I'll come up with some excuse, but if you show up he'll get even more suspicious than he already is. I'll find him. It hasn't been too long."
Regulus nodded abruptly, mumbling some half-hearted goodbye and escaping from the weight of their conversation in a puff of green fire and smoke. Remus, whose eyes had returned to their normal greenish-blue hue looked at her with disappointment for the first time, and Hermione nearly crumbled under them.
He stepped into the fireplace, green sand escaping from his grasp as he dawdled for just a second. His mouth opened and closed as if he was determining if he should say what he wanted. "I told you not to hurt him." Remus spoke after a moment, his voice fading as he too disappeared. Alone in the house, Hermione grabbed her own handful of powder and stepped in.
"St. Mungo's."
Healer Pomfrey (not yet Madam Hermione had to remind herself) informed her that Sirius Black had checked himself out after his hand had been healed, against her personal recommendation.
"If you should see Mr. Black, please ensure that he takes his pain potions as scheduled. He didn't seem to hear a word I said when he rushed himself out of here. Now if you excuse me, I have other patients to tend to."
Hermione was all too ready to leave the sanitary and oppressive whites walls of the hospital, and she pulled her cloak tighter as a chilly wind blew by her. She knew Sirius Black lived in the flat above what would one day – she hoped – be the Weasley's Wizard Wheezes shop. Wandering around Diagon Alley, she stared at the gaudily painted orange door for too long, losing her nerve just as soon as she could gain it.
She was convincing herself to finally knock with her knuckles raised when the door she had been staring at opened. "I got tired of waiting for you to knock." The animagus spoke plainly, his voice gruff as if he had just woken up. Black hair hung loosely in his face as it spilled out of a messy bun, and his cream-colored Henley barely hid the black ink of his tattoos. Hermione swallowed nervously as she tried to focus on anything else in the world besides how fucking sexy Sirius Black looks when he just woke up.
"Come in, if you're going to." The marauder walked away from the door, and Hermione followed after him, shutting the door behind her. Sirius Black's flat was not what she had expected at all; it was cleaner than she had expected.
The small sitting area was filled with a lumpy red velvet couch and a hideous coffee table that Hermione could just sense he had gotten off the street. Horrific brown shag carpet brushed under her feet, and the dim light in the room was provided by an old Victorian lamp. Pictures of his friends graced the walls, and Hermione found herself staring at one where the Marauders were all smiling and laughing together.
He sat back on the couch, which from the way the cushions were fashioned, she could tell she was right in her assumption that he had been sleeping. Bandages and pain potions laid on the coffee table, clearly having been taken off by the stubborn man.
"Sirius…" She began to chastise but shut her mouth. That was not why she was here. "I'm sorry." Sitting on the couch next to him, she tried not to touch him, worrying that she wouldn't be able to think straight if she felt the burn of his touch again.
"Nothing to be sorry for." Sirius spoke, a drawl in his tone. It wouldn't have made sense, for him to speak so slowly, but then the smell hit her.
"You're drunk." It was an observation, not a question, but there was disbelief in her tone. He couldn't have been home from the hospital for more than an hour. Disappointment filled her, and she snapped her eyes to his. He at least had the decency to look ashamed.
"Yeah well. Part of my healing process."
"I'm sorry I left you at the hospital."
"Yeah you're sorry…but you did it anyway. I…Fuck…nevermind." Pulling out a thin cigarette case from his back pocket, Hermione leaned closer to him, ripping the gross tobacco from his mouth before he could find his lighter.
"No. You and I are going to have a conversation and you are not going to pretend you are alright." Her voice was slightly more forceful than she had meant it to be, but she was sick of this cycle.
"What the fuck do you want me to say Hermione? Do you want me to tell you that I can't get the fucking scent of your hair out of my head? Do you want to hear that my heart fucking beats faster when you're around? You show up here out of the fucking blue and my whole life stops." His lips were on hers again, faster than she could process it, and before she could kiss him back, he had pulled away.
"I've wanted to do that since I first laid eyes on you." Sirius stood then, moving himself away from her, and Hermione's body shivered from the loss of his heat.
"Sirius…I…" She couldn't deny him. She couldn't ignore the way her heart hurt when he was in danger, or the way that grey eyes had infiltrated her dreams. But she couldn't…she didn't have time. Her mission…Harry… "This isn't about me. This is about me leaving you in the hospital. You told me how much you hated it and I left you alone. I'm sorry for that."
She clipped her voice the way she had learned from Regulus, polite but distant…the way of pureblood ladies.
"Everything is about you." Sirius fought back, and Hermione's resolve nearly broke. She cared about him more than she should…more than she could allow. The only thing she could do now is push her feelings away, and lie to the man she was afraid she loved.
"It shouldn't be." Her voice shook as she stared intently at her hands. Nervousness filled her fingers as she fidgeted. Harry always used to tell her she was a rubbish liar, but never when it mattered, and this mattered.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sirius's voice was low, and she could see from the corner of her eye that he was approaching. Her breath came quickly as she realized what she had to do. I'm sorry Remus, she thought, I have to break my promise.
"I don't feel that way…about you." She knew she had to look at him, to stare into his eyes and hold her lie. Hermione wasn't certain she could do it, and as she slowly raised her head to gaze into his cloudy grey eyes, she knew more than ever that she had to. Because if she had to choose between destroying Voldemort and saving Sirius's life, she knew which one she'd pick.
"You're lying." He accused her, and his voice was so certain and so fierce she almost admitted it. She was lying, but she had to…just like she had had to leave him at St. Mungo's. Hermione Granger had come to the past to destroy Voldemort once and for all. There was no room for distractions, and yet she couldn't hold on to her lies when he looked at her like that.
"I can't Sirius. I have…there are things I have to do and you can't be a part of it." Tears brimmed in her eyes as she grew frustrated and upset. She had planned for everything, researched for three years to prepare for this trip to the past but there was one thing she hadn't planned for. She could never have planned for Sirius Black.
"Why not? You and all your mysteries. Let me in. You talk about ignoring how I'm feeling and pretending I'm alright then you stand there and tell me that you don't feel anything for me." He was so close to her now, his lips just inches from hers and her breathing startled.
"I can't….I can't…" She just repeated it again, her voice broken. What she wanted didn't matter, no matter how much she wanted him.
"Yes, you can." Hermione realized suddenly that he wouldn't give up. Unlike her, he didn't have to focus. Images of the horcruxes she had yet to find and the stress of not knowing how to destroy them came to the front of her mind. She steeled herself, knowing what she had to do.
"No. I can't." Her wand was raised before he seemed to understand, and she cast the spell quietly. The stunning spell had hit his chest, and he fell against her. Hermione struggled slightly under his weight, attempting to return him to the sleeping position he had likely been in when he woke up. She raised her wand again, but this time she hesitated only slightly.
Obliviate was a very delicate spell and performing it on someone is a very intimate experience. Searching through his brain was like stepping around broken glass. Trauma and pain filled his mind as she moved past his memories. St. Mungo's…she'd found it. Altering it would be difficult, because the memory was so strong. It radiated with a happiness that nearly broke her heart. Once that memory had been altered to remove the kiss, she took his memory of her being in his flat; he would never know. When she was done with her alterations, she pulled the thin blue strands of light from the side of his head and placed it into a glass jar from her beaded bag.
One day…one day she hoped she'd be able to show him, to restore these memories. One day when he understood why she'd had to do it.
Summoning the scratchy wool blanket near the couch, she laid it on top of the unconscious animagus and stroked his cheek for a moment. He was so peaceful like this, and Hermione fought the urge to stay, to wrap her arms around him and never leave.
She leaned forward, brushing her lips against his forehead before tucking one of his stray curls back behind his ear. "I'm so sorry. I don't have time to love you."
Hermione left him like that, sleeping on his couch, knowing that when he awoke all he would have was a headache and an empty flat.