Chapter 13: Ice
trudging up the steep hill leading to the mouth of the ice cave, I felt my nose freeze and frost grow across my skin. soon, I couldn't breathe.
"focking frozen wasteleand," I swore, "what are you even doing out here, in the middle of a warm beach..."
finally I got to the entrance. I looked inside as my eyes adjusted to the dark coldness. "hello? is anyone in here? it's Wind Walter."
"is that you, Gunther?" asked a funny voice that reminded me of the Mayor of Townsville, but it wasn't, at least I don't think it was.
"WHAT PART OF, HELLO, IT IS WIND WALTER DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND I mean no, I am not Gunther kind sir!" I said, quickly backpedaling and saying something nicer because I was in a bad mood from lack of sleep and lack of food at this point.
"oh! my apologies!" said this fat old guy in a blue dress, he wore a tiara and had a long white beard. and a long blue nose so maybe his weaner was also big and blue but isn't that a bad thing I'm not sure. but this couldn't have been the Mayor, he was too tall. "I'm the Ice King, welcome to my castle!"
"thank you sir," I said and stepped inside. thankfully it as warmer in here thanks to the fireplace.
"you got here just in time! I just got back from my gynecologist's appointment," said the Ice King as he walkde over to a tea kettle. "chamomile?"
"I prefer lemon, thanks," I said holding up my hand.
he shrugged. "suit yourself," he said and poured a cup for himself. he sat down across from me in the den and sipped at his tea before cramming a bag of frozen cauliflower into whatever hole he had to have inspected earlier that day. "forgive me, my gynecologist is Him you see, I'm always left a little sore after seeing him"
"but I thought Him was a love doctor?"
"exactly"
startled and unnerved and rapidly losing my composure, I took a small bite out of a tea cookie to act like I was focused on something important but really I was trying to get the mortifying images of Him's claws going where no claws have gone before out of my poor innocent brain. I looked everywheere but at Ice king but he still wouldn't leave me alone.
"who's your gynecologist, Ms. Walter?" he asked.
oh for the love of Pete, I thought and was extremely unsettled, obviously this guy hadn't graduated from the school of proper small talk, but resigned myself to entertaining him anyway to find the guinea pig faster. "I don't have one, Mr. King."
his eyes went wide and his teacup clinked against the saucer he held in his other hand. "you don't have a gynecologist?! don't you have sex?!"
"what, do you?" I uttered but immediately knew I didn't want to know the answer. then I was bombarded with images of the Ice King making whoopie to Ben.
"young lady, it is very important to see a gynecologist regularly if you participate in intimate acts," said Ice King worriedly. "didn't you hear what happened to Gwen Tennyson?"
"did she walk in on you and her cousin doing the dirty and died of shock?" I said then squirmed at my own question.
"she contracted various STDs from her boyfriend Kevin, he was sleeping around with many many many other women, like a filthy tomcat, and gave them all to her and she was too busy with the war to see a gynecologist and she died!" he stressed.
"so I was right?"
"not if you're not seeing a gynecologist!" Ice King said, scared. "you haven't been having sex, have you?"
"why on Earth is that any of your business?!"
"because, Ms. Walter, not only could you be in danger, but your parnter(s) as well!"
"that's a load of-" I stopped. how could I be so selfish?! what if I gave something Curtis had to Decter while making sweet sweet love to him?! Curtis always said he was clean and he had never lied to me (excpet when he faked his death but that was kind of differnet) but he did work in the digusting foul underbelly of the Burger Frenzy kitchen so who knew really. and I'd had sex with him. on that kitchen floor.
"piss-rocks," I muttered, my hands shaking as I combed my fingers through my hair, thinking over all the risks I'd taken. "I'm a fool... I need to get to a gynecologist STAT!"
"but before you go, could you tell me miss, what you're doing here?" asked Ice King, and he finished his tea in one gulp.
"oh, right," I said, "I'm here to look for a stranded guinea pig, may I investigate your house for him Sir?"
"be my guest," said Ice King and he laughed at his joke. I thanked him and got up from the sofa to go look for the guinea pig, but couldn't help patting my "undercarriage" to make sure it was okay after that conversation.
"soon as I'm out of here, I'll go see the doctor," I said to myself as I descended down a long ice tunnel into the bowels of the castle.
here all the waste was stored. piles upon piles of dookie were scattered about as far as the eye could see. thankfully the low temperature froze the stench so each pile was covered in solidified stink lines that had fallen out of the air and back onto the pile.
"ew, this place is discusting!" I said.
"you got that right, Wind," said a nearby voice.
I turned around and saw Finn and a funny pink lady standing a few feet away. "oh, hi, Finn," I said and gave him a hug. "how are you doing?"
"better," he said and gave a sad smile. obviously he was still grieving after Jake's death. "Wind, I'd like you to meet Princess Bubblegum."
"charmed," said the pink lady and she shook my hand daintily. her hand was incredifly soft though, and smooshed in my hand.
"the pleasure's all mine," she said and her voice was very kind and sweet.
"so what brings you here?" asked Finn.
"I was about to ask you the same question? didn't you hate Ice King?" I asked.
"well, yeah, but now that the war is going on I have no choice but to work with him," Finn said. he sighed. "sometimes you just have to call a truce."
"eh, I guess," I said, immediately reminded of my vagina worries. I cleared my throat. "um, hey, Finn, you wouldn't happen to have heard of a lost guinea pig around these parts, have you?"
"huh, it's funny, we actually have heard what's sounded like a trapped guinea pig during the last few days, but we couldn't find where it was coming from," said Finn.
"WHAT?!" I said and lunged at him. "YOU HEARD A POOR HELPLESS GUINEA PIG SQUEAKING IN HUNGER AND FEAR AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO HELP?!"
"w-we did try!" Finn stuuttered. :"we just couldn't find him and couldn't understadn what a guinea pig was doing in freezing tmperatures anyway!"
"oh no" I said, and let go of him, slowly backing away, a look of horror on my face. "it's so cold... that poor thing is probably frozen stiff."
Finn's eyes went wide. "FIND HIM, WIND!"
I nodded, then turned and ran deeper into the frozen halls. I called out the whole time. "Mr. Guinea Pig? are you there? SPEAK TO ME!"
"squeak squeak!" said a voice that sounded suspiciously similar to a guinea pig under several frozen rocks. (i've looked up sound clips of what guinea pigs sound like i never had one though but my friend did, she was a nice little guinea pig very fat though and im not sure if that was er diet or just how they are but a lot of pictures i see of guinea pigs are of obese ones, at least they look obese, so maybe that's just how they are. i just had a chinchilla who hated my guts, he was named pepper and i got him when i was like ten r so my parents gave him to me for christmas. but he hated me he would poop on my desk and bite me and eat my food. once he ate my school lunch before school (i left it on my desk by accident i wanted to grab a pudding pocket to go with it it was just a salad anyway) and he got out of his cage and ate my food, then when i said hey pepper that was mine! he just glared at me... really freaky to be honest but it happened. i don't even have any other explanation as to why he ate my food other than spite because i walways made sure he was fed had clean water and clean bedding, i would give him hay every day he never went hungry... so many vegetables at his beck and call and yet he would eat my food away from me... he lived with us for about seven more years after that when my mom finally witnessed him biting my neck like a vampire, i'd been telling her for years that he bit me like a freakin land piranha but she never believed me and thought all the bite marks were just drawn on for attention. then she saw it freaked out called the animal shelter and they said they couldn't take him they were full. awlays remember to adopt people, always visit the animal shelter when you want a new pet becasue they have this problem often. and you can save a sweet animal that way. people always say go to no-kill shelters but i don't really understand that because if you go to a kill shelter aren't you saving an animal in dire need of rescue too?! i understand not endorsing enuthansia why would anyone do that its horrible but wouldnt it be better to save an animal from what is literally death row?! but i try to avoid bringing politics into my stories so please forgive me, i take animal rescue very seriously sorry. so the animal shelter couldn't take him and i was worried my partens were going to release pepper out into the wild (which they wouldnt have but i was young and scared) but then we got a call from my older cousin she said she would take him she loved chinchillas. we were in the car when we found out and the song hallelujah came on the radio at the exact time we found out it was really fitting. so he took pepper and he's still a little dickbag but he's still alive and spoiled with hay and veggies and tons of neat little toys. i see him often to this day he still glares at me but he glares at everyone so. but i still bring him presents for christmas or his birthday.)
"oh good gravy..." I said, thankfully the rocks were arranged just so so there was a little crawlspace at the bottom. "are you in there, little guinea pig?!"
"squeak squeak!" said the guinea pig.
i lifted the rocks off to reveal the guinea pig, he was bleu and shivering and his eyes were bugging out like crazy but that was noirmal, some guniea pigs are like that. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" he squealed.
"don't worry little buddy, I'll get you out of there!" I said and grabbed him, his feet were frozen to the ground but I was able to wrench him free. I tucked him in my jacket to warm him up and headed back to the nexus.
"GYES!" i shauted, "I FOWND THE GINA PEG!"
"oh u did?!" sed fin haply, "threa chears for u wind!"
"THER ES NO TIME FOR THAT," i showted, on tha verje of teers frum the state o tha gina peg. "WE NEAD TO GET HIM TO A VET STATT!"
Finn called an animal ambulance and they came and put the guinea pig inside. they also arrested the Ice King for cruelty to animals, then I explained he had no idea the guinea pig was here! they understood but I added that Finn and Princess Bubblegum did hear the guinea pig but never helped, so they arrested them instead. the guinea pig was airlfisted to the hospital and I went along, congratulated by the paramedics along the way.
"just doing my job, boys," I said, blushing.
when we landed at the hospital, two nureses walked up to me and said Decter requested my presence at once at FDexlabs to discuss the rescue mission. "Dexlabs?" I asked. "but he was here when I left?"
"Wind, we have wonderful news to tell you," said Ms. Keane, and she smiled. "Decter's been released!"
I gasped, tears springin from my eyes. "wait, really?! this is fantastic! thank you so much, Ms. Keane!" I said, and hugged her, then hurried out of the hospital to go back to Tech Square.