Chapter XVI: Lies

Falling in love with a god

is not a death sentence.

The story is only a tragedy

if the god loves you back.

- Nathaniel Orion G. K.

Kenpachi was dreaming a long forgotten dream. She had remembered him. She knew what he had done to her. How he had sinned. She killed him for it.

A scream woke him, but it was not his. This dream had never been a nightmare. He always awoke with a smile. It all made sense and he was finally being punished. The happiness he felt only paled in comparison to loving her.

But the scream was not his. Kenpachi wasted no time and rushed to Retsu's room. He found her standing right behind her door, staring with hollow eyes as if she had witnessed something she was not supposed to. She looked up to him, faltering, gently shaking her head as if to chase away her thoughts or dissuade him from being worried about her. Nevertheless, the captain caught her hand and Retsu buried her face in his bare chest, releasing an unsteady breath.

"Are you alright?"

She only nodded without speaking.

"What was it? A nightmare?" The woman did not respond. Kenpachi circled her shoulders with his arm and gripped her tighter, lifting her effortlessly. She fluttered like a captured bird.

"No, Kenpachi, let me go, I'm just being foolish again."

"You're not." He took a deep breath. "I'm tired of trying to fight this, you know."

She studied his face in the dark. None of them dared to name it but there was no denying that they found in the other something that drew and bound them together. He brought the woman in his room and put her down on his futon, joining her to sit beside her. Kenpachi noticed her hand fumbling with her nagajuban, clutching it tightly, her knuckles turning white with strain, and put his hands over hers.

"What was it about? The nightmare? You can tell me if you want to. I'll listen." She only sighed and held his hands tight.

"I've been meaning to tell you but it had never been so… So solid and unobscured. It was not a nightmare. It was a memory."

She took a deep breath and continued.

"I remember standing amidst a bleak and barren field, ready for battle and alone. All is silent and there's a lassitude in the air that tastes like poison until a person joins me. A man. His words pierce me. I want to weep and I barely seem to keep my hands still. I want to cover my ears. I don't want to listen. I harshly tell him to be silent. I remind him of what I am – ruthless, merciless, cunning. That person sheds a tear and my resolve weakens. If it were anyone else I would laugh, but I wish to touch him, to comfort him. I have to hurt him but I would never let him die. It really shouldn't matter to me, I should be used to it, I've hurt him before, many times but I still feel pain. I hurt with him. I forsake all the bitter anguish I feel and carry out what has to be done. My fingers clutch the handle of the sword tighter and my other hand coils, my nails digging into the flesh of my palm. No! I cannot allow myself such. If I am to battle, I have to be strong. I am, I am stronger than anyone… Anyone but him."

Kenpachi listened to her stunned. She was remembering him. Their final battle. The last missing pieces from her memories. He had thought she felt nothing, that his tears meant nothing to her; she seemed heartless and unmoved. It sickened him to know that she never felt the pure unadulterated hatred he believed she was feeling towards him. If not inspired by hatred, why then? Why would she raise this hell? Out of bloodlust? She had disguised herself so well. All of this madness would have never happened if it hadn't been her plan. The captain knew he could never do what she had done. He could never restrict himself so much, impose so much control upon his feelings. He doubted any man could.

Questions were burning in his throat.

"Why did you do this? What for?"

"For love."

The world was gone and only Retsu remained. Then the agonizing pain in his chest took over and drove him senseless and mad. She claimed to have loved him. She had deceived him in the cruellest way by making him hate her. A hatred so forced, so consuming, it had blinded him then and it was blinding him now. What had they done? Who was the criminal and who the punisher in their tragic play? They seemed made to hurt each other.

Retsu was staring at him, analysing his reaction.

"Kenpachi, tell me, do you know that man? Is he dead? Have I killed him?"

He wondered if she really had not killed him with her words. He wanted to die. She should've killed him.

For love.

He had never forgotten Isane's heated words in their argument. The raven-haired woman had killed him a thousand times but it had hurt less then than it did now. The captain wanted to weep with rage and pain. His teeth sank into his traitorous tongue, the very same, which found it easier to make out vile words instead of truthful. The man tasted blood and he felt the urge to kill something. Someone.

If only there was someone else to blame, someone who had been keeping them apart. But there was not; and Kenpachi knew there could have never been one for he would have killed them half a century ago. But it was enough. Blood had too much blood. He had killed the woman he loved. He had killed the woman who loved him. He wondered if he would kiss her now what would he taste – lies or love?

Damn her lies. Who was more to blame – she for lying to him or he for believing her?

Kenpachi wanted to confront her but she looked so desolate, so small next to him, trembling, her eyes bloodshot from her nightmarish visions. It would hurt too much to see her cry for him. The captain pulled her to sit sideways on his lap and embraced her tightly.

"There was so much of his blood..! Please, tell me I have not…" His wounded tongue settled back in the bed of his mouth. You should have. Kenpachi wanted to take her hands in his and wrap them around his neck. Annihilate me. He spoke despite the tightness in his ribcage.

"You haven't." His fingers were tenderly caressing the crown of her head as he held her tight, pressed to his chest, unsure who needed whom more. I live. We live. Kenpachi was relieved not to feel the searing dampness of her tears on his skin but her breath still shuddered.

"I'm sure he'll find you one day."

"No!" The woman's voice arose and she pushed him away to look him in the eyes. Kenpachi looked back at her distress embedded in his features. "No! He must not find me. He must not. I will see it though that he never will. It's better this way."

Better for whom? He could not ask her now. Furthermore, it was too late. I found you. For better or for worse he knew everything now. Retsu slowly resumed their embrace and the man was quick to reciprocate.

In his arms, Retsu calmed down. Her body softened and her head fell heavy on his shoulder. The captain thought that perhaps he had to carry her back to her bed or leave her to sleep here and go sleep in her bed so at least she could get some proper rest. He doubted he'd be able to close his eyes tonight. Kenpachi proceeded to lift her up and place his hand on her back, supporting her so he could lay her down, but she opened her eyes.

"Could I stay with you tonight? Please," she pleaded. Fuck. She did not need to beg him; he would gladly do anything she wished him to.

"Of course."

"I'm sorry I'm such a burden. I'm sorry I'm taking advantage of your kindness all the time. I'm so sorry."

"Retsu, I—" His words were left unsaid just like they had all those years ago. I love you. "Don't apologize."

Kenpachi waited for her to lie down before lying beside her and covering them with the sheet. When he settled, the woman scooted closer and wrapped an arm around him. He did the same in return. Lying on their sides, sharing the only pillow, they found themselves staring into the face of the other.

Retsu broke the silence.

"I wish we'd talk more. I barely know anything about you or your past and I still can't remember a damn thing about you. Tell me something."

"I shouldn't."

"I'm not supposed to be told things about my past or the way things have been. Tell me something about you, something I've never known."

"I don't have anything to tell you that would help you fall asleep."

"I don't care about sleep. I want to know more about you. You can tell me anything you want to."

Kenpachi fell silent. How much of his life was not connected to her? She was interwoven in every desire, every motive behind every action for as long as he could remember except for the very beginning.

"I was born in the Zaraki district. No, my first memory is from the Zaraki district. As much as I remember I've never lived in the human world," Kenpachi swallowed. He had never talked to anyone about the times before he met Yachiru. There really was not much to talk about – it was the story of just another orphan in the 79th district of Rukongai. There were plenty like him. Albeit none of them were nameless and that murderous.

He continued.

"Most people assume that hell is Hueco Mundo but hell is within the Soul society and I found myself in it. I think my bad sense of direction comes from there – one cannot get lost if he has nowhere to go. I never mattered where you went – there was only poverty, poverty, poverty. Poverty is what ruins souls everywhere – poverty is violence, darkness, treachery, infamy, death. I know neither my birthplace, nor my parents, nor my name. It makes sense, as I had no one to call me by it. I had no friends for children do not tend to live long in the Zaraki district. Furthermore, who'd be my friend when they could try to beat me up and take the rags from my back?" He hated how much this was getting to him. "But there are things I remember. My first kill. I smashed his head with a stone. It was justified. My second, not so much. He happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Then – a blur. No matter what I cut – grass, animals, men, I felt nothing except the terrible, gut-wrenching awareness that I was a nameless beast and there was no one like me. A monster in the night. Until…"

The man stopped. Their encounter was what changed his life forever in every sense. At once, he had known that he was not alone and it no longer mattered how monstrous he was. There was another like him; he had to find her. The search for was what prompted him to leave the district, then he found Yachiru, met Yumichika and Ikkaku, joined the Gotei 13, gained few but valuable friends. It had led him to being the man he was.

"Until?" Retsu repeated his last word, waiting for him to continue.

He knew he should not.

"I met you and…" She had asked him to tell her something she had never known. I love you. I always have. I've loved you from the start. "You brought meaning to my life."

Kenpachi fell silent. He had said too much and not enough. The woman in his arms was looking at him wide-eyed, her lips slightly apart, her breath bated. She must have seen through his words, so sagacious she was; she must have seen through every touch and caress weeks, months ago, before he knew it himself.

„I know I don't remember anything about you…," she started. "Anything except that—" You are the only man who has ever made me happy. Fuck, he did not want to hear this again, not now when she was being tormented by the memories of him; when he was making her anything but happy. Not now, when she was remembering him, when she was remembering that she loved him and soon she would come to hate him. It was enough that those words echoed inside his head.

"Don't," he silenced her. Retsu's lips quivered but she closed her eyes and nodded in agreement. She understood why she should not say what she wanted to. She understood him better than anyone did, he realised. Of course she did, after all, no matter how different they were, in their essence they were the same.

Instantly, Kenpachi regretted stopping her from speaking. I love you. Tell me I can make you happy. Tell me you love me. He could not ask this of her. His hand swept away her hair, his fingers brushing through the strands as he uncovered the sides of her face and her ears. She looked calmer now, but tired and he was keeping her awake with his half-assed confessions. He pressed his lips to her forehead – a gesture of the intimacy he craved so and longed to give, and heard her sigh softly as she embraced him tighter.

"We should get some sleep," Kenpachi said, his mouth still too close to her head, lips brushing against her skin as he spoke. The woman hummed in agreement.

"Good night, Kenpachi."

"Night."

Soon enough, he felt her fall asleep but he could not persuade himself to close his eyes. It was futile to try to figure out what would happen once she finally remembers everything. No, he would not sleep tonight. Instead, he wanted to take in her image, her scent, the feeling of having her in his arms, to engrave them so deep onto himself that Death itself would not be able to take them from him. The brilliance of her alabaster skin, its softness against his lips, the steel colour of her eyes, the black of her hair, the curves of her body. Her touch, always so gentle even when it felt like fire. Above all her light. He had rarely realised the crushing loneliness he had felt and had never dwelled upon it. It only hurt. But now he knew he could feel serene. Safe even.

It was morning when Retsu gently woke him up. The captain jerked up, suddenly awake as he had no intention to sleep in the first place and looked at her. He had never seen her so tired, darkness seeping under her bloodshot eyes, beneath her pale skin.

"Are you okay," he asked as he feverishly reached out to touch her face as if his hands could sense and mend whatever was wrong.

"Yes, but you're going be late for work." Oh, that. He lied back down and closed his eyes.

"I'd rather stay here today."

"It's not your day off yet. It's tomorrow." Retsu knew that was not what he needed to hear so she continued as he opened his eyes and was about to protest. "I'm alright. Come on, I'll fix you a breakfast."

Kenpachi's concern did not diminish.

"I can do it on my own. You should sleep some more."

"In this case you'll be even later," she replied. Her hand caressed his face and he leaned into her soft palm, his eyes closed shut. He never saw the sweet smile that blossomed on her lips at his display of affection. "You need to shave."

Kenpachi roughly scratched the bristles to find out that she was right. He growled in annoyance and opened his eyes. Retsu laughed softly despite the fatigue and melancholy settled in her features. Inspiring her laughter after a night like that nearly broke his heart. He could make her happy.

"I'm going now. Please, don't fall asleep."

He watched her exit the room, painfully aware of the inevitability of what was coming. Soon, mere days from now she would remember everything about him, about them and he did not dare think what he would feel. Kenpachi got up from the still warm bedding and went to the bathroom. He loved making her laugh, even on a sad day like this one, he loved falling asleep and waking next to her, he loved holding her, caressing her, kissing her, even as he was yet to drink from her lips. He loved her. He would hate to be alone, without her; the absence sharper and colder than the razor against his throat.

The captain put on his uniform and haori and entered the kitchen where she was placing bowls of miso soup on the table. He saw the slight tremor in her usually steady hands.

The doorbell rang and the man watched her almost drop the dishes.

"I'll go get it," he reassured Retsu and went to answer. Behind the door awaited him one of the lower ranks of the 1st squad, holding a large wooden box.

"I have a delivery for Unohana Retsu by the order of the General Commander." The Shinigami did not stop to ask where the recipient was or who he was. "We found it while clearing up some of the old barracks and it seems like it contains some of her personal belongings like letters and such."

Kenpachi took it from the man's hands and found it surprisingly heavy. He bid him goodbye and left. The captain closed that door with his foot and brought the box into the living room, leaving it there before going back to Retsu.

"Who was it?"

"Someone had found a wooden box that's apparently yours, so Kyouraku had it sent over. I left it in the living room."

"Thank you, Kenpachi."

"C'mon, let's eat."

As he was having his breakfast, he snuck a couple of glances to see if she was eating. He himself had no appetite. Last night had left a lump in his throat and a pit in his stomach. She was picking at her rice as much as he was. He took the bowl of miso in his hands and drank. That was more than enough for now. The man got up from his chair with a heavy heart, thinking if it was worth it to offer to stay the day but decided against it. It was not something worth fighting over.

"Promise me you'll get some rest today," he said.

"I will."

"And you won't touch a single thing."

The woman smiled back weakly.

"I promise. I'm going to take a bath and maybe I'm going to look through that box, then I'm going back to bed. Do I look that bad?"

"No." The lack of sleep and her disturbing memories gave her a haunted look bit it dared not touch her beauty. "I'll come home earlier."

"Okay. I'll be waiting."

Kenpachi bent down and placed a kiss on her forehead. He looked at her face to see her reaction and she smiled again, this time brighter. Soon after she pulled down on his shihakusho and kissed him on the cheek, before stroking it with her fingers.

"It really is better this way," she commented on his freshly shaven face.

Fuck, how was he supposed to leave now. He wished he could just stay and let her kiss him all she wanted.

"I'm going," he said despite everything in him.

"Have a nice day at work! I'll be waiting for you"

Retsu finished her tea, deciding that she had eaten more than enough. It seems like last night had its effect not only on her but on Kenpachi too. He barely had any breakfast and he looked even worse than she did, the darkness underneath his eyes more prominent and severe. She sighed. He was always so worried over her. She had almost accepted his offer to stay the day with her – they could spend it in bed where they could sleep and talk and sleep again.

The woman stood up and went towards the bathroom. She had promised Kenpachi that she would try to get some rest. A bath was in order, then bed again. Maybe his bed would bring her more solace than her own. He always made her feel calm and safe.

Her eyes noticed the wooden box in the living room. It was true that it was hers, she remembered it instantly although she had not seen it in ages. She could not possibly guess its contents. The woman came near to it, sat down on the floor and opened the lid. It was filled with letters, old correspondence between her and Yamamoto, a still brilliant white fox fur, a velvet sack that contained a string of ancient gold coins that the General Commander had given her to wear on her wedding day. Retsu smiled at the memory as she pulled out the string of coins, watching the gold glimmer in the light of day. It had been sometime after he had founded the Gotei 13 and sought her out. She had been still feral and wild and diabolical but the seed of her respect for him had been planted and nourished. Genryuusai had called for her one late afternoon and she had found him on the balcony gazing at the last sunrays of the day. He had asked for her opened palm and after she reached it out he had placed the crimson velvet sack in it before closing her fingers one by one. You are like a daughter to me. The child I never dared to have. I want you to have these. Wear them on your wedding day, if I'm not around to put them on your neck. Retsu remembered his words and the reds and oranges of the sunset sky. Her manic laughter had followed. Marriage? Did she look like a woman suited for marriage? Yamamoto had not commented on her outburst. He had waited her laughter to die out, his eyes burning as the setting sun.

Feeling her heart grow heavy, the woman placed the string of coins back in the pouch and returned it to the box.

And then she saw it. Glistening at the bottom of the box there was a dagger. One of her daggers, the ones that she used to bring in battle. Retsu reached down and took it in her hand, admiring it like one would a jewel. The feeling of the blade in her hand was so familiar as if she had held one not a long time ago.

As if she had stuck one in Kenpachi's shoulder not a long time ago.

A.N.: Happy New Year, guys! I really dropped the bomb this chapter didn't I? What will happen in the next two chapters? Will there be a happy end or I'll pull a Disney/Lucasfilms trash take on you? Who knows?

I hope I'll be able to update again in the next couple of months and finish it by mid-April. I also have a KenUno one-shot from the POV of Yamamoto (the term POV used as in here, where it's still in third person just centered around the experiences and knowledge of event of a certain character) focused on the events around Kenpachi's inauguration and overall the relationship between Yamamoto and Unohana and Yamamoto's feelings about KenUno and how they're handling their past and present as captains of the Gotei 13. It would clarify some things I said two chapters ago. Would you be interested in reading something like that?

As always reviews are deeply cherished 💖