The days are long but the years are short. Elrond understood this better than most. He saw his life in two halves, before losing his wife and daughter, and after. Whereas his memories of his beloved wife and baby daughter were colourful, his life without them was lived in shades of bleak gray. He carried on dutifully, the days seemed to pass painstakingly slowly. He directed the affairs of Rivendell with precision and logic, none could doubt he was a fair and capable ruler. He performed his fatherly duties for his remaining children as best he could. It was a performance, for he found it difficult to celebrate their milestones when his unending grief engulfed him. He thought of those precious moments their mother would have been beaming, such as seeing her sons come of age and bond to their mates. The dark depths of his guilt reminded him that he would never give Luthien away on her wedding day.
On the surface, one might think Elrond was coping well, functioning as he did previously. His family knew he was barely holding his head above the suffocating waters of grief, guilt and anger. Elrond's bond with Arwen suffered the most. He retreated from his oldest daughter. Though he was never unloving towards her, he was no longer her confidante. Arwen knew that when her father looked at her, he thought of the daughter he longed to hold but could not have. She sometimes wondered whether her father preferred that she had been lost instead.
Elrond did not have the energy to keep her from Aragorn, but he did not have to. With her family fractured due to her actions, Arwen could not bear to displease her father even more. She went out of her way to serve him. She could not deny her love for Aragorn, but they were no longer seen together. Their love became moments of stolen kisses and glances, hidden from her family and her people's view. Without Celebrian, Arwen became the lady of Rivendell. She took on the role of ceremonial presence, receiving guests and dignitaries as her mother had done. It was a way for her to be near her father, to hold onto a closeness they once shared in happier times. It was also a way to hold her family together and to present some semblance of normalcy, at least to the public.
On this day, as with many such occasions since Luthien's departure from Middle Earth, Elrond was present at a family function but not really present. He stood quietly as his son, Elrohir, and his wife Talia presented their newborn elfling to the family. There had not been an elfling in the family for centuries; Elrond was surprised when he realized how many years had gone by since he and Celebrian had presented an infant Luthien. He quickly corrected himself, Luthien would no longer be an infant. She would be of age. In another family. In another world. Unreachable. All because of his decisions.
"Ada, would you like to hold him?" Elrohir's voice drifted into his consciousness. Elrond turned to see his son, holding out his first grandchild to him with eagerness in his eyes. Though he would rather have kept the last infant he held as his daughter, he could not deny his son.
"Of course" Elrond said gently. His hesitation was evident to those present, none needed to ask why. As Elrond bounced the baby in his arms, Elrohir's smiled widened, happy his father was displaying any ember of joy.
"I told Talia you had a way with babies Ada, and you have proven me right" Elrohir declared enthusiastically.
"He is a beautiful child, Erlan is a well chosen name" Elrond obliged passively.
"He is fair, like Naneth and Luthien" Elrohir noted. Only after those words had been said did Elrohir realize his misstep. After all these years, the family has never discussed the events that led to the loss of a beloved mother and sister. The subject has been brought up over the years, Elrond's response became a predictable refusal to discuss it and days of increased grief and self-imposed isolation following.
The conversations ebbed, as those present watched for Elrond's response. Biting back his usual emotions when the subject was discussed, he managed a weak smile. "Yes, he does take after your mother and sister. I have not seen such fair hair and complexion in our family for quite some time." With that, he handed the child back to his father and walked a short distance away from the gathering for a moment of solitude.
"You live in the past, buried in your grief Elrond. It is plain for all to see. Do not think your children cannot sense it, they hurt because of it" Galadriel whispered to her son-in-law as she approached him.
Elrond turned, surprised by the revelation. "For my children, I do not fade, I do not leave this place Galadriel. I have done my part for them" he responded stiffly. If only she knew of the pain he lives with.
"Can you say you have been the father Celebrian would have wanted you to be? Have you truly been present, body and mind for them?" Galadriel challenged, though her voice remained as soft as ever.
"Do not bring not bring up what Celebrian would have wanted. She is lost to me, and I cannot ask her." Elrond raised his voice, in a brief flash of anger. He grimaced at his temporary loss of control and walked away. Had they been in Rivendell, the destination would have been his study, where he seemed to live. Galadriel watched him leave sorrowfully. She conceded her pain was only a fraction of what her son-in-law was feeling. Elrond was punishing himself, in the most painful way: denying himself the joys of living as those pleasures had been denied to his wife and daughter.
After standing alone for a few moments in her own thoughts, Galadriel's eyes roved to the soldiers guarding the gathering. Her sight settled on her marchwarden, Haldir. No doubt he had heard their conversation, it was his job to know the goings on in Lorien. On her way back to the gathering, she walked past him and paused momentarily. "You deny yourself too marchwarden, out of guilt, much like lord Elrond. Do not think your kin and your Lady cannot see it."
True to form and in line with his military discipline, Haldir said nothing. His posture retained it's soldierly erectness as his eyes flickered momentarily with acknowledgment. Galadriel knew Haldir would not admit such emotions, she did not wait for a response that would never come before walking away.
Galadriel joined the remainder of the gathering: her husband, grandchildren, and Legolas. The prince of Mirkwood had been sent by his parents, to continue to strengthen the bonds between their two elven peoples. Now folly grown, he has become Mirkwood's ambassador for most stately affairs. As the baby's arrival coincided with the annual midsummer feast, he would stay for the festivities as well. Having seen Elrond stalking away angrily, he asked Galadriel "lord Elrond leaves so soon?"
"He has some state affairs to attend to" the lady of the woods said diplomatically.
"Affairs of the state he places before his family?" Legolas asked. He knew he was pushing it, but it was highly unusual for a family patriarch to leave such an event so prematurely.
"He has no interest in his family, not anymore." Elladan fumed. He had seen his twin's happiness deflate the moment his mother and sister were mentioned.
"Elladan, that is not true. Ada, he grieves deeply. We must try to be understanding" Arwen admonished.
"Why do you defend him? He hurts you most, yet you would put your life on hold to carry on Naneth's duties" Elladan shot back.
"He hurts because of me Elladan" Arwen said simply. It was that simple in her eyes.
Not willing to let his father off the hook, Elladan continued to fume. "Luthien is gone because of circumstances beyond anyone's control. He could not save her and neither could you. Not when the price was the survival of our people", referring to Elrond's refusal to exchange the ring of power for his daughter.
"How can you say such a thing" Arwen admonished before being interrupted by her brother once again.
"The people Ada has failed is us. He has punished you with his coldness. You cannot love Aragorn as you wish to because of this. He has not been there for Elrohir and I. He can't even celebrate Elrohir's son without brooding!" Elladan finished. It was about time someone told it how it was.
"That's enough Elladan. Ada made an effort to come today. He suffers everyday to go on when Naneth and Luthien cannot. Now that we have a child, I cannot imagine Ada's anguish." Elrohir finished the conversation.
"Do you not have any inkling if Luthien is well, lady Galadriel?" Legolas inquired.
"It is not for us to intrude in her life, if Luthien's destiny is to find her way back to us, then it will be"