[Author's Note: Special thanks to my super-patient beta reader Magpie Corvidae for all her valuable feedback and thoughtful suggestions on the last few chapters of One Tough Cloaca and this one in particular. Let me return the favor by recommending that you check out her writing. It's really fun stuff!]

Chapter 14

Illium Entertainment News Update - 6th Dimension Vids producer Mlax Ventkad confirmed that salarian director Mal Inoste will not return to direct the next entry in the long-running Path of the Justicar series. Inoste's controversial reboot of the series, Path of the Justicar: Azure Avenger, underperformed in most markets and stands as the lowest-grossing opening weekend ever on Thessia and the asari colonies. In a since-deleted post on his personal extranet site Inoste lashed out at "Uptight blue harpies who can't deal with any changes to their precious canon. Embrace banality!"

Solik Vass began his first day as a secret agent for the Special Tasks Group with a simple, straightforward mission: find asari actress Linia T'Pala and learn everything he could about a faked 6th Dimension Vids studio message she had received on her omni-tool while in Nos Astra with Vass the previous day. The message, an alert claiming the shooting schedule for Blasto: The Hunt for Saren had been changed, had sent her scurrying back to the studio. This had been a ploy to separate her from Vass and allow Eclipse mercenaries to kidnap the young salarian. Major Kirrahe was certain that the message came from somebody at the studio because the sender knew Linia wasn't there that day, among other details. That somebody was either an Eclipse merc or in Eclipse's pocket.

"Either way, Agent Vass, this is a significant lead. If we find out who sent the message then we have Eclipse's connection at 6th Dimension Vids," Kirrahe told him that morning as they drove into the studio. "You're ideally suited to this task. Linia already trusts you. Just find out what she knows about the message, maybe see if she'll show you the actual alert. But remember, this is a secret mission. You can't tell her what your interest is. If she asks, you have to lie."

Vass grimaced at the idea of deceiving Linia. "What if I just tell her that I'm a Special Tasks Group agent now and can't say why I need the information? She'd understand that, I think," he asked as he began to pull the skycar into the studio.

Kirrahe's voice grew stern. "Unacceptable. When you took the oath, Agent Vass, you vowed to maintain 'the cloak of secrecy.' Nobody knows that you are a STG operative now. That grants you an edge. Don't throw it away," he replied.

The major glanced over at Vass and saw his troubled expression, then added, "Think of it this way: the less Linia knows, the safer she is. Eclipse already kidnapped you just because they thought you were an agent. If they get a reason to believe that Linia has information on what the STG is doing, think of what they might do to her. I know you don't want that. So, for her own sake, keep her in the dark."

Vass said nothing in response and instead parked the sky car. Kirrahe hopped out and announced that while Vass tried to get the information from Linia, he would try to quietly track down a hunch he had regarding the studios' upcoming plans for on-location shooting. They would reconnect at the cafeteria for lunch. The major then quickly strode off.

Vass sighed and pulled up his omni-tool's instant message function. "Linia," he started to write. "I really need to talk to you. It's important." Vass looked at the words and decided they sounded too ominous, so he deleted them and started over. "Linia, when you get a chance, I'd like to talk. There's something I have to ask you," he wrote, then deleted that too. It was too obvious that he had an ulterior motive, he decided. 'I'm a STG agent now. This is my first assignment. I've got to ace it. Be subtle,' he thought to himself. He tried again. "Hey, Linia. Just got in. The major is off doing something on his own, so I'm free all morning. Mind if I hang out with you?" Vass looked at that and nodded. 'Perfect,' he thought. 'Just get her chatting when we meet up and she'll probably tell me all I need to know without even having to ask.' He hit send.

Seconds later the response arrived. "Oh, this isn't actually the best day, Solik. We're shooting one of the more important scenes and things on the set aren't going that well so far. Maybe tomorrow instead?" the asari actress replied.

This surprised Vass. Linia was usually so happy to see him that he hadn't expected that she would turn his request down. Without putting much thought into it, Vass replied, "Oh, I'd just really like to see you today, if you don't mind. If things are busy, I could just watch from the back and we can chat whenever you have a break. I enjoy just watching you perform. I promise I won't be a bother."

It took a few minutes before the next message arrived. Vass found it mildly puzzling. "That's actually rather sweet, Solik. To be honest, I'm kind of flattered. Sure, come to the set. It's Soundstage 7. Just be real, real quiet and low-key, ok?" Linia's message read.

Soundstage 7 was the place where 6th Dimension Vids did the scenes that required elaborate set-ups and special effects to mimic other planets. Whenever a script had something that needed to look like it was happening on-location but it wasn't practical - i.e., too expensive - to actually travel there, Soundstage 7 was dressed up to look like the location.

When Vass arrived at the soundstage door, he noticed it had a turian security guard. This was unusual. The rules at 6th Dimension Vids, to the extent the studio even had them, were only casually enforced and even interns like Vass could freely enter and exit most soundstages. This time, the guard demanded Vass' studio ID.

"Sorry, kid," the guard replied. "The set is closed and 'assistant to the military liaison' isn't on the list. You'll have to leave just like the other dozen folks who suddenly found a need to be at this particular set this morning."

Vass protested. "But I am expected. One of the actresses told me be here. Linia T'Pala."

The guard checked his datapad. "Oh, yeah, that one did send a message that her salarian personal assistant would be arriving. So, you're assistant to two people then?"

"Umm, yes," Vass replied, despite being almost as confused as the guard. "Keeps me on my toes, you know."

The turian chuckled. "Well, it certainly worked out for you this morning," he quipped, and opened the door for Vass.

The interior of Soundstage 7 had been transformed into an idyllic scene on the planet Virmire: a stretch of sandy beach between a river and a stone cliff with a waterfall in the center. A hydraulic device created a constant cascade of water down the cliff wall, which in turn produced a light, lingering mist across the set as the water crashed down into a shallow pool. Traipsing in and around the waterfall were about a dozen asari actresses, all as naked as the day they were born. Vass recognized them as the ones playing the crew of the Normandy in Blasto: The Hunt for Saren. Usually these maidens were clad in their asari commando costumes when on a set. This time, they wore nothing but droplets of water. Among them was Linia and Adria S'Voz, the actress playing the part based on Commander Shepard.

Vass realized he was present for what was euphemistically referred around the studio as "the waterfall scene" - a section showing Commander Shepard and the Normandy crew frolicking in the water on the eve of battle. Or rather, the asari versions of them since 6th Dimension Vids had decided to recast the parts in order to boost the vid's box office draw on asari colonies. Major Kirrahe had objected to the scene's inclusion in the script, arguing that it wasn't historically accurate and that in any event the climate on Virmire had been mild enough at the time of the battle that the Normandy crew wouldn't have needed to cool down in that manner. The producer and director had nevertheless been quite adamant that the scene was staying in the vid.

As he walked inside the soundstage, Vass immediately detected an awkward, somewhat tense vibe in the air. The number of non-actor people present was notably larger than the other times Vass had witnessed a scene being shot. 'How many more would be present if there wasn't a security guard at the door?' he thought. The actresses meanwhile seemed rather listless and disengaged. Director Bik Orbal, on the other hand, was clearly exasperated. The slender drell ordered everyone to start the scene over again from the top, but a minute into it he started to shake his head, then shouted, "Cut!" and announced a 15 minute break.

Turian cinematographer Savara Korek let out a sarcastic laugh. "You know, Bik, all the critics call you a hack. But I think you're a genius. I can't think of any other director who could have this many asari in front of my cameras in all of their indigo glory and make it this boring. Spirits, *that* is an achievement."

The drell glared at her. "You're not helping," he shot back.

Linia, who had appeared bored when Vass first entered, broke into a grin when she spotted the young salarian at the back of the soundstage. She dashed towards him, not even bothering to grab one of the towels being handed out to the other actresses. "Thanks for coming!" she exclaimed, grabbing Vass in a tight hug and getting his clothes slightly damp in the process. "I was reluctant to see you only because the set is supposed to be closed and there's already too many extra people here. But it's been a tough morning. So it's really nice to see a friendly face. Especially yours."

From over Linia's shoulder, Vass could see a few of the other non-actors on the set casting jealous looks his way as they watched the naked asari embrace him. "Oh? What's wrong?" he inquired.

"The scene just isn't working out as they want," the actress explained. "We're supposed to be all happy and giggly but instead we're all tense and self-conscious because we're, you know, naked."

Vass scratched his head. "I didn't think that was a big deal for the asari. Don't you normally swim naked at pools and beaches?"

Linia shrugged. "True. I mean, we asari all know what we look like without clothes, so usually we don't give it a second thought. I was even an artist's model for a while at an art school on the Citadel when I was just getting started in acting. But, well, it's different when you know you're just being put out on display for other species to leer at you. Apparently turians, humans and volus in particular are seriously into this and the scene is intended to cater to them. None of us actresses are complaining or being difficult, mind you. But we're having trouble faking that we're having fun. Every time the director shouts at us to 'loosen up!' things just end up getting even tenser."

The actress then winked at Vass. "It feels a lot better when it's somebody you like doing the looking. I have to admit I didn't expect you'd to be interested in seeing me naked. You're usually pretty shy, Solik. So for you to work up the courage to say that you really wanted to see me in the waterfall scene as it was being filmed live, it was surprising, but in a pleasant way."

Vass' eyes widened. "Oh! Well, when I sent that message earlier that I would 'really like to see you today' what I meant was-"

The asari put her fingers on Vass' lips to quiet him. "Shush. It's okay. Like I said, I'm flattered. So you don't need to make up an excuse or pretend with me, although you are adorable when you get flustered like this," she remarked. "I still remember how you told me that salarians don't have sex drives like other species, so this is just simple curiosity for you, right? Well, you can stay and watch as much as you want. It's fine. That is, *I* don't mind. Can't speak for the others... And, you know, if *maybe* it is a bit more than curiosity, well, we can talk about that more later. For now, can you just hold me for a bit? It's been a stressful morning."

The young STG agent stared in the actress' blue eyes. It was then that Vass realized how much he had come to mean to Linia. He had become her island of calm and sympathy amidst the general chaos and anxiety of shooting her first big-budget vid. He realized that he had grown to feel similarly towards her as well. Maybe even more so now that his internship had morphed into the craziest experience of his life.

"Of course," he eventually replied. "I'll just be your towel for a while."

Linia replied by squeezing him even tighter and putting her head on his shoulder.

Vass suddenly remembered the purpose of his visit. "So, the major told me that you told him that that studio alert you got yesterday about the shooting schedule being moved up was fake. What happened?" he asked, trying his best to sound nonchalant as a naked asari maiden clung to him while a few dozen random people milled around them on a vid set.

The actress made out a comical growling sound. "Yeah, somebody pranked me yesterday. Probably one of the other actresses here. I'm still trying to figure out which one. When I do, I'm going to sneak into her room and put a dozen dead Thessian sunfish under her bed."

"Could I see it?" Vass asked. "The alert, I mean. Maybe I could help you figure out who sent it..."

Linia shook her head. "Nahh, it's alright. I just need to watch the other actresses. They all gossip so much that one of them will spill it in the next day or two."

Vass tried his best to sound casual. "Still haven't found out, huh? Well, maybe it wasn't one of the actresses. There might be some little clue hidden in the alert. You never know..."

The actress laid her head back down on Vass' shoulder. "That's sweet of you to offer, but you don't need to bother."

Vass gulped lightly. "All the same, if I could just take a look..."

Linia brought her head up and looked at Vass. She furrowed her brow and said nothing for a few seconds, then relaxed her hold on the young salarian. "Okay," she eventually said, then brought up her omni-tool and began tapping away. "There. I just forwarded it to your omni-tool."

"Thanks," the covert STG agent replied, "Anything else about it seem odd? I mean, aside from it being fake?"

"No..." Linia replied, the expression on her face becoming a bit more anxious.

Vass checked his omni-tool to confirm that the message had been received, then quickly switched it off. "Yeah, maybe you're right and it *is* just one of the actresses after all. I mean, it was pretty childish anyway, whoever did it. Maybe I could go get the Thessian fish for you when you do find out who...?"

Linia's eyes seemed to grow a bit wider. "Solik..." she nearly whispered. "... Is there something you're not telling me?"

Rather than risk uttering a 'no' in a wholly unconvincing, cracked voice, Vass opted to just shake his head. It wasn't much more effective in terms of allaying the actress' suspicions.

The naked asari maiden softly patted Vass' chest. "Solik, I haven't hidden anything from you," she remarked, then looked down at her body. "Literally nothing, in fact. I'd appreciate it if you didn't hide things from me, ok?"

Vass nodded. A pregnant pause between them was broken by the sound of Adria S'Voz' voice.

"Orbal, before we waste a few more hours trying to finish this scene, I have an idea," the lead actress told the director. "Let me direct it." She made the request while standing on the set with only a white towel loosely draped over her shoulders. Somehow this only made her seem even more intimidating than usual, Vass thought.

The drell sighed and rubbed his forehead. "You really think you can do better?" he asked.

"Yes," S'Voz replied. "Look, I won't claim co-director credit or anything, if that's what you are worried about. I just want to get this scene done right so we can move on."

Orbal threw up his arms. "Fine. I'll take an early lunch and be back in an hour." The drell stalked off the set.

S'Voz turned to cinematographer Korek. "Savara, what's the absolute minimum number of technical crew we need to shoot this scene?"

The turian scratched her mandibles. "Well, now that everything is set up properly, I could do it with just myself. No, wait, I'd also need at least one other person to help me monitor the camera mechs. It's pretty simple. Doesn't even need to be a cinematographer. Just need another set of eyes."

S'Voz nodded in response, then hopped up on a chair and began to address the crew and the various other non-actors loitering about the set. "Alright! Orbal has handed the director's chair over to me!" the lead actress shouted. "Everybody except the actors and Korek, you are hereby ejected from the set. Get out! Don't make me use my biotics on you."

Linia then dashed over to S'Voz and whispered to her. "Him? Sure, fine, whatever," the lead actress replied. S'Voz scanned across the set until she spotted Vass. "You! Salarian. Stick around. You'll assist Korek."

As the crew and other onlookers filed out of the soundstage, S'Voz beckoned the actresses to gather around her near the fake waterfall. They quickly formed a semi-circle facing the lead actress, presenting Korek and Vass with the sight of a neatly-lined row of bare blue backsides.

S'Voz cleared her throat and began addressing the actresses.

"I know this morning has been a drag for all of you so far. It has been for me too," she began, still wearing only a towel hung over her shoulders. "I am, ahem, a few centuries older than you, though. I've done scenes like this a number of times, especially in the first century of my career. They always felt awkward or unpleasant at the time. But now that I am older, I'm glad I did them. They're like home movies to me now: mementos of when I was young & carefree and before I started to feel the pressures and responsibilities of maintaining a career. Sometimes when I am a little depressed, I'll watch an old vid and recall the good times I spent just running around with friends on the set. It always makes me feel better even if the vid itself is terrible. So, try to think of this scene that way. Don't do it for the cameras. Do it for each other. Do it for yourself. Just have fun with the friends that you have made these last few weeks but might fall out of touch with after the vid is finished. Think that even if you live to be a matriarch, you'll always be able to re-live that summer where you got to make a vid while being young and silly and naked."

The lead actress finished and stepped back, then threw her towel away. As the other actresses began mulling over the speech, S'Voz stuck a foot into the fake pool and kicked water into the surprised faces of three actresses. They immediately began kicking water right back at her. The other actresses joined in and soon the most epic splash fight in the history of 6th Dimension Vids was well underway. Korek turned her camera mechs on and with Vass' help they discreetly gathered footage for a good 20 minutes before the actresses began to run out of breath and the fight wound down.

"Well?" a panting S'Voz shouted to Korek. The turian cinematographer flashed two thumbs up. "Good. Then I think we're done here," the lead actress announced. "Great job, maidens."

The actresses began to towel off and get dressed. S'Voz strode over to Korek and began watching her replay the footage on the view screens. The turian and the asari both grinned as they saw the infectious energy of the actresses captured in shot after shot. Both seemingly forgot that Vass was standing nearby. "Spirits, I don't usually get to film something like this. It's so sweet, it's practically wholesome," Korek muttered. The turian then cast a sideways glance at the asari. "So, how much of that little speech you gave was the truth and how much was pyjak shit you just made up on the spot?"

S'Voz, still naked, remained focused on the viewscreen. "What does it matter? It got the job done, didn't it?"

Korek let out a cynical chuckle, then looked over and saw Vass. "Oh, you're still here. Thanks, but we're done. Shouldn't you be with the other salarian anyway?"

Before Vass could respond, he felt a tapping on his shoulder. He spun around and saw Linia, now dressed in her causal clothes. "I'm hungry! Let's get lunch!" she exclaimed.

Linia practically bounced all the way to the cafeteria. "You heard the speech, right, Solik? Wasn't that really inspiring? I mean, I never thought about the vid scenes like that, but she's totally right! All of us actresses are so lucky we have her to mentor us. She's so wise. Someday I'm going to pass that along to another group of maidens," the actress declared. She then grabbed Vass' hand, smiled and leaned against him. "This has been the best day ever!"

Vass smiled back and gave her hand a squeeze. It was nice, he realized, to feel the weight of her leaning against him.

As they entered the cafeteria, a familiar voice called out to them. "Hey, you two! Mind if I join in? Or am I intruding?" Major Kirrahe asked.

Linia snorted with laughter. "Well, Solik got to stare at my naked butt all morning! By now, he'll probably welcome the distraction. You guys sit down and I'll get us a couple of the day's specials," she replied, then scurried off to the cafeteria counter.

Kirrahe turned to his assistant and arched a single brow. "Her naked butt? Dare I even ask what methods you used to get the information from her?"

The young STG agent shrugged and grinned sheepishly. "Well, her butt and about eleven other actresses'," he replied. "Oh, and Adria S'Voz's naked butt was in there too."

The major nodded, genuinely impressed. "Very thorough, Agent Vass. Good work. Now, did you get the information?"

"Oh, yeah," Vass replied, and brought up his omni-tool. "Linia doesn't have any idea who sent it. She still thinks it's a prank by one of the other actresses but not because she has any evidence. It's just her natural assumption. Nothing else about it stood out to her as unusual. She forwarded the fake to me though. Here, I'll send it to you."

Kirrahe pulled up his omni-tool and looked at the message. "Well, it's something. I'll have it forwarded to the tech guys at HQ on Sur'Kesh. They may be able to spot some anomaly in it that'll lead us to the sender." The major nodded towards Linia, who was heading to the table with a pair of trays. "She knows nothing, right?"

"No. I mean, yes. I mean, no, the answer is not 'yes.' I mean..." Vass sputtered, then stopped when Linia reached the table. She placed the trays down and plopped herself into a seat.

"Hey, major! I have an idea!" she exclaimed, still brimming with energy. "What do you think about making Solik a STG agent? I think he'd be great."

Kirrahe again arched a brow. "Oh, really? What makes you think that?" he inquired.

The actress started laughing out loud. "'Cause he totally infiltrated a closed set filled with naked maidens this morning by sweet-talking a gullible young actress!" she said in a comically exaggerated tone. "Oh, sure, he *looks* all sweet and trustworthy. But it's just a front! Veeeeery devious, this one," she declared while waving a fork at him.

The major looked over at Vass, who slowly shrugged in response.

Kirrahe rubbed his chin, then smiled at the actress. "Well, that's quite an endorsement, Linia. I'll have to give it some thought," he replied. "Though I feel I should warn Vass ahead of time that that's not actually typical for a STG agent. I mean, it's not like he's going to find himself surrounded by naked maidens on his first day on the job."