Chapter 15.
Cas tried to concentrate on the music, to fill his mind with anything safe and controlled. Under normal circumstances, he knew Dean well and would have known he was troubled by the clenched jaw and the hands gripping the wheel, but now he had Dean's fears pressing on his mind, wordless, so impossible to understand or address.
"Is there something on your mind?" he said, trying to sound casual.
"No." said Dean.
"Good." said Cas, trying hard not to let his own thoughts drift into Dean's head.
"We should go back soon." said Dean and his reluctance was like a heavy, cold, wet blanket over the shoulders. "If we're going to read with Mom ... "
"Not tonight." said Cas, "You're not in the right frame of mind. She'll understand if we leave it until tomorrow." Dean didn't argue, so Cas called Mary. "Hello, Mary. Dean and I will be reading the book with you, but we think we should do it tomorrow."
"Okay," said Mary, "But I also need Dean for something else tomorrow. I need him to help me practice with an angel blade. Could you tell him that, please?"
"I could help you." said Cas.
"No offence to Dean, but I want to practice with him before I take on an actual angel."
"What's she saying?" said Dean.
"She wants you to do some angel blade fighting with her tomorrow."
"Great. It'll be fun."
"Yes, Mary, Dean is very happy to do that." said Cas, "We'll see you later."
All Dean's agitated feelings seemed to drift away from Cas's mind. The jaw unclenched and the hands relaxed. Cas's own anxiety faded. It didn't bother him that the idea of a practice bout with an angel blade was what seemed to have helped. He didn't care where Dean found his peace, as long as the pain and fear could be held at bay.
He tried to think of any topic that would not cause more stress. It wasn't easy. Even without the mind curse weighing on his mind, Dean had a lot to think about and none of it was looking good.
"Any sign of it?" said Dean suddenly.
"Any sign of ... ?"
"The mind curse!" said Dean.
"Nothing strong, just occasional glimpses of emotion." said Cas, "Gone now."
Dean didn't ask what emotions. Cas chose not to volunteer the information.
"I'm sorry, Cas. I know this stinks for you."
"I think it's worse for you." said Cas.
"I just wanna say, I'm glad it's you." Dean let out a small laugh. "Sorry, that sounded wrong. I don't mean I'm glad you have to suffer all my self-pity and crap, I just mean, if someone had to get a front-row seat to my thoughts, I'm glad it's someone I can trust."
"I feel the same way." said Cas.
"And maybe, when this is over and the link is closed, having gone through this will bring us closer together. I'm not saying there's a good side to this, just that ... I am so bad at this. You talk for a bit."
"I'm not sure that's a good idea." said Cas, "The things I want to say, I may not be wise to say."
"If there's something you want to say, say it. And if it kicks off any emotional swamping, we'll swim through it. We've been through worse than this together."
"Yes, we have." said Cas, "What I want to say is that feeling bad, sometimes, experiencing pain and admitting it, that's not self-pity. You are the least self-pitying person I know."
"You don't know many people, Cas."
"You've been through so much, given up so much and you don't allow yourself a moment of self-pity. You just keep on fighting, doing whatever it takes to do whatever needs to be done."
"Yeah, well, I haven't really had a choice."
"You've had nothing but choices. You could have walked away at any time and let someone else fight these battles."
"No-one else would do it."
"Everyone else made the choice not to." said Cas, "And now you're planning to defend this world again and from Michael. You're ready to die for people who don't know you exist. That's pretty amazing."
"You're ready to die for them too." said Dean.
"Mostly, I'm ready to die for you. I find my loyalties are sharply focused these days. I want humanity to prosper, I always have, but it's the Winchesters for whom I will fight to my last breath and then come back and fight some more."
"Cas, the first time we met, I liked you and I hated the fact that I liked you, because you were kind of a dick."
"I was." said Cas.
"But there was something about you ... I don't know. You were never like the other angels."
"So they often told me."
"It's a compliment, believe me."
"From them, it was not intended as one."
"This life I ended up with, it hurts like Hell, especially the parts that happened in Hell. Sometimes I wonder how I'm still waking up in the morning and dragging myself through another day. You know what the answer is? You and Sam and Jack and Mom. My family. Cas, I know I don't say enough. I can't say enough. I hate that it's the anger you can pick up on, not the love."
"That comes through too, sometimes." said Cas.
"Our friendship ... Our brotherhood is important to me in ways I don't have the words to explain. There are no words to describe it. Nobody ever made a word big enough for what you are, except the word Castiel, which kinda covers everything. Do I sound as stupid to you as I do to myself?"
"No," said Cas, "You never sound stupid to me."
"You pulled me out of Hell and it feels so weird to say it, but that's the least and tiniest thing you ever did for me. The other stuff is all so much greater. I was a demon and you still wouldn't give up on me. I was a monster and you refused to walk away."
"You were never a monster in my eyes." said Cas.
"Even when I killed the Styne kid?"
"The mark made you do that."
"Is my mind intruding on yours at all?" said Dean.
"No. Perhaps because it doesn't need to. You're saying the things it wants to express to me."
"I'm babbling. I'm using far too many words when three will do. But I want you to know how much this friendship means to me. I want you to understand that I know exactly how impossible it is that I should matter to you."
"Because I'm an angel?"
"No. Because you're Castiel."